


Monster Prom: Senior Year

by tenkay10



Category: Monster Prom (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Eventual Romance, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Headcanon, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Male Pronouns for Yellow | Oz, Original Character(s), Pining, Screenplay/Script Format, Sitcom, Slice of Life, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:02:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 223,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27511237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tenkay10/pseuds/tenkay10
Summary: Question. What do Brian Yu - a Habitual Slacker and social outcast-, Vicky Schmidt - a lovesick, compulsive overachiever -, Oz - the dork to end all dorks -, and Amira Rashid - a brash hothead with a penchant for crime - have in common? Absolutely nothing. That doesn't matter though, because it is now, in their last year of high school, that their paths intersect for the first time. Can they, on the precipice of adulthood, learn to live, love, and grow as people? Or does High School not matter at all, and everyone should just crack open a textbook for once?One thing's for sure... it should definitely be the second one, and the fact that it's the first one proves they haven't grown in the slightest.(This is an adaptation of the game Monster Prom and its endings as an ongoing, serial narrative. The chapters are written in the format of a screenplay, and structured as episodes of a TV show. I hope you enjoy this! I definitely enjoyed writing it. Updates every Monday!)
Relationships: Blue | Vicky & Scott Howl, Green | Brian/Valerie Oberlin, Polly Geist/Yellow | Oz, Vera Oberlin/Red | Amira
Comments: 167
Kudos: 100





	1. Brian Gets His Ass Kicked - Pilot

**Author's Note:**

> To ease the reading experience, let me just describe some of the terminology I use in this fic, which may be unclear:
> 
> \- INT. and EXT.: Describes whether the location is indoors or outdoors (interior, exterior).  
> \- O.S.: Off screen. A character is speaking outside of the proverbial camera. They're out of the shot.  
> \- V.O.: Voice-Over. A character speaks, but its non-diegetic. They're talking to the audience directly.  
> \- BEAT.: A beat refers to a pause. If there's a beat written, there's a moment or two of pause or silence. 
> 
> That's about it. This may be self-explanatory, but I thought I ought to explain anyway so we're on the same page. Also, It's possible to remove the skin I put on the work, if Courier New is not your cup of tea, but doing so will eliminate the spacing and formatting, which may cause confusion during reading.
> 
> Finally, thank you for taking the time to read this. I truly hope you enjoy it!

FADE IN:

INT. BRIAN’S HOUSE – MORNING

We begin on a still shot of a barren bedroom. The room, supposedly meant to house a teenager during his formative years has been stripped bare – evidence of posters being removed from walls and dust circles silhouetting long since abandoned consoles, comics, and the like are shown to us with a few cuts.

The only things left are a crooked, unmade bed with no sheets, and the room’s owner – Brian Yu – sitting upon it shirtless. He rests, eyes closed, with two fingers up to his neck, breathing in and out meditatively. As we pull in, we can tell he’s listening to the slow, lethargic rhythm of his own pulse. It’s faint but… it’s there.

BRIAN

I’m still here…

Suddenly, an alarm rings out from his phone. Brian jumps in surprise and grabs it quickly. On the screen, an alarm titled “DON’T B LATE 4 SCHOOL! 5 -V” continues to blare. Brian stares at it for a while before sighing and turning it off. As he does, we see four other similarly titled alarms that have rung before.

After rubbing his temples for a while, Brian finally gets out of bed.

MONTAGE – BRIAN AND MONSTROPOLIS 

A – Brian brushes his teeth in the bathroom while the news plays from the stream on his phone.

WEATHER-DEMON

It is a sunny 70 degrees in Monstropolis, a perfect day for all those little monsters heading to school today.

NEWS-SLIME

Wow! It’s that time of the year already, huh? I can’t believe it, kids grow up so fast, don’t they? I remember when my little boy only weighed 3 fluid ounces!

B- Brian exits his dwelling and hops on his bike. As he bikes off, text appears on screen reading “MONSTER PROM”.

C- Brian bikes through Monstropolis, passing by all manner of monsters and creatures heading to work, or leaving work, or going to school like he is.

D- Brian stops at an intersection, as a massive stretch limousine crosses the road, totally halting traffic. Cars blare their horns as Brian catches a glance at the strange symbol on the limousine. It depicts a merperson and seems to read “Vanderbilt”.

E- Brian passes by a sign that says “Spooky High Parking” and parks his bike in the lot. As he does this, a blast of unholy fire erupts from the ground a ways away from him. A crappy, burnt looking car with the words “Nancy” etched in the side exits the hellish portal. Brian seems more so confused than scared, before resolving to not ask questions and walking away.

F- Brian looks at the massive staircase up to Spooky high school. Cut to Brian walking up the steps, tired. After a beat, Brian turns around as a pack of students zooms up the steps at a ridiculous speed, taking Brian aback. Brian looks on the ground and finds a chewed-up bone. Behind him, a darkened figure walks up the stairs patiently, under a thick umbrella. Glasses reflect beneath the shade.

G- Brian arrives at the top of the steps, wheezing. He looks off to the side and sees a fierce looking woman, a gorgon, walking past him. she arrives at a golden chariot and sits inside. A gaggle of male students pick the chariot up and, with a heave-ho, carry the woman up… an even larger set of stairs. Brian wheezes in despair. As he steels himself to climb, a pale, ghostly looking woman clutching a vodka bottle snores loudly, utterly passed out beside some trash bags.

EXT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL ENTRACE/QUAD – MORNING – END OF MONTAGE

Brian carries himself with the last of his strength up the final bit of stairs. He shambles across the quad, lungs afire. After a few steps, he collapses near a tree. He takes a few deep breaths before a shadow comes above him.

FIGURE

Hey!

Brian looks up, shielding his eyes from the sun. The figure is revealed to be the ever-cheerful Vicky Schmidt.

VICKY 

You ok? I saw a zombie shambling up the steps, I figured it was you, Brian!

BRIAN 

(SMILING) Heh… hey, Vicky.

VICKY

Haha, hey!

BEAT.

Brian doesn’t move from the ground.

VICKY

Uh, Brian? Chop chop, we have another day at school ahead of us.

Brian breathes in and gets comfortable.

BRIAN

Nah.

Vicky looks down at him, deadpan.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAYS – ESTABLISHING

VICKY (V.O.)

You know, things are gonna be different this year.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL – HALLWAYS – CONTINUOUS

Brian is getting dragged along the ground by Vicky, who has tied him with a rope and is now pulling him like luggage. Every monster commuting besides them gawk at the strange scene. A student – a skeleton – waves at Brian, confused. Brian puts his arm up to greet him, but his sleeve gets caught on an open locker. A piece of his parka gets ripped off. Brian sighs.

BRIAN 

Really? How?

VICKY

You know what I mean, I’m gonna be popular!

BRIAN

(SCOFFING) Excuse me?

VICKY

(STOPPING) Wh-what do you mean, “Excuse me”? You don’t think I can be popular?

BRIAN 

Do you want my opinion as a friend or my actual opinion?

VICKY 

(POUTING) I don’t see why those two opinions need to be differentiated…

BRIAN

My friend opinion is I think you can do it if you put your mind to it.

VICKY

(ROLLING HER EYES, CONTINUING) And what’s your _actual_ opinion?

BRIAN

My actual opinion is I don’t see the point.

VICKY 

(STOPPING) Huh? What do you mean?

Brian gets up to his feet – still tied with rope.

BRIAN

Vicky, I’m glad you seem motivated, but I actually struggle to think of something _less_ important than high school popularity. Like, you’d have to really press me on that one.

VICKY

What are you talking about? Being popular is like, the whole POINT of high school!

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL – AUDITORIUM – LATER 

PRINCIPAL GIANT SPIDER is giving a speech to the student body during a morning assembly.

PRINCIPAL GIANT SPIDER

The whole POINT of high school… is _education_.

PAN OVER: Vicky and an untied Brian sitting in the audience. Brian gives Vicky an ‘I told you so’ look.

VICKY 

(WHISPERING) Dude, I don’t wanna hear you OR PGS making that point – that guy’s a high school principal! Why do you think he got that job?

BRIAN

(WHISPERING) I don’t know, a love for education and a yearning to nurture the next generation?

VICKY

(WHISPERING) What? No! He got it for retribution!

BRIAN

(WHISPERING, SARCASTIC) Ah, I see.

VICKY

(WHISPERING) Clearly, he was never popular in high school, so he figured if he became the principal he’d supersede his own un-coolness and become the most popular in high school by default! (IMPERSONATING PGS, WIGGLING FINGERS UNDER HER FACE) “Oh I guess I’ll become the principal to make up for how sad my life is!”

BRIAN 

(WHISPERING) Is that your impression of him?

VICKY

(WHISPERING, STILL WIGGLING FINGERS) Yeah, these are the legs.

PRINCIPAL GIANT SPIDER 

(IN THE MIDDLE OF SPEECH) I got this job as your principal because I have a love for education… and a _yearning_ to nurture the next generation.

BEAT.

VICKY

I don’t buy it.

EXT. SPOOKY HIGH, CLASSROOM– LATER

Brian and Vicky sit in their class assigned seats, along with everyone else, who’re being rowdy, waiting for their first lesson. Both of them are beside the window.

VICKY

All I’m saying is, this is my last year. I’m a senior! I just think it’d be a shame if I spent this year like I spent every single one before it…

BRIAN

And how would that be?

VICKY

I don’t know… sitting in the back of the class and keeping out of trouble.

Vicky looks off.

VICKY

Basically invisible.

PAN OVER: A few students are raising a ruckus adjacently. It’s SCOTT HOWL, flanked by two of his best friends DAMIEN LAVEY and POLLY GEIST. Scott and Damien are arm wrestling while Polly officiates the match.

CLOSE UP: on Scott smiling and laughing with his friends.

PAN OVER: Vicky’s looking at him with a mix of yearning and a twinge of sadness.

Brian isn’t nearly so melancholic. He’s looking down at a crawling mass of filth. It’s wearing a backpack.

VICKY 

Hey, don’t judge. He’s trying to get an education.

BRIAN

I couldn’t imagine why – I have no idea what that thing does but whatever it is it’s clearly a fuckin’ expert already…

VICKY

(GIGGLING) Stop it! You know, he’s actually on the debate team. I’m also on the… debate team, by the way.

BEAT.

VICKY

… You know in case you… wanted to join?

BRIAN

Vic what about my entire demeanor makes you think I like debating people?

VICKY

How about the part of your demeanor that likes making your friend – me, Vicky – happy?

BRIAN

Hmmmmmmm.

VICKY

Please?

BRIAN

What’s the point?

VICKY

Uh, refer to my previous answer? Also, doing clubs and stuff is fun, it’s what makes high school interesting _at all._

BRIAN

Yeah, but, counterpoint, high school sucks ass. No matter what you sprinkle on it, it’ll still suck ass.

VICKY

Oh, come on, don’t say that.

BRIAN

But it does! This shit is garbage, man! Listen, you know why I’m even _here_ at all—

VICKY

Because I guilt tripped you into coming to school with me so I’d have friends in my new class. I know, Brian, you’ve reminded me the past 7 days we’ve been here.

BRIAN

I’m telling you right now. I’m at my limit, man.

The teacher they were waiting for – COACH – Enters the room.

BRIAN

I’m dropping out after today.

VICKY

What?! (NOTICING TEACHER) Oh…!

Vicky quiets down. The rest of the class follows suit as Coach does housekeeping duties as a homeroom teacher – first, taking attendance. As he does, Brian just falls asleep.

COACH

Vicky Schmidt?

VICKY

Present!

COACH

Of course. Miranda Vanderbilt?

MIRANDA

You’ve indeed been blessed by my presence!

COACH

Once again, just a ‘present’ is fine. Finally, Brian Yu?

Silence. The class turns to Brian, who’s fully passed out.

COACH

(SIGHING) Again?

VICKY

Um! I’m sorry sir, Brian just has a lot on his mind.

COACH

Wake him up, please…

Vicky kind of rustles Brian a little. Brian snorts and wakes up.

BRIAN

Hm? Oh.

BEAT.

Brian starts packing up all his stuff.

VICKY

Uh, Brian? What are you doing?

Brian doesn’t answer. He grabs his bag and gets up before walking toward the door.

COACH

Wait, what--?

BRIAN

Peace!

Brian tries to leave the classroom. But Coach holds him back.

COACH

Woah! Hold on there son, class isn’t over yet – or started!

BRIAN

I’m aware.

COACH

Then—what, do you need to go to the bathroom or something? Stomach-ache? (TO VICKY) Wait does he have a stomach still…?

VICKY

Ehh…

BRIAN

Nah, I just… don’t wanna be here.

BEAT.

COACH

You mean—

BRIAN

Yeah, I’m trying to skip. Can I skip?

COACH

… No?

Brian clicks his tongue.

BRIAN

Please?

COACH

No.

Brian clicks his tongue again, harder.

COACH

Aren’t you a transfer student? You just started attending this school!

BRIAN

No, I actually don’t go to this school at all— Can I skip?

COACH

No!

Brian clicks his tongue a third time.

COACH

Son, I don’t like your attitude right now. You know, we’re just about to start doing team assignments for a group project, you _need_ to be here!

BRIAN

Wow, interesting- what if I don’t fuckin’ want to? At all?

COACH

Watch your language.

BRIAN

Watch your grip- you’re kinda hurting me, sir. You should let go of me and maybe step back so you can’t grab me again if I try to run out of this room, sir.

COACH

You mean you want me to let you skip?

BRIAN

You wanna let me skip?? Thank you, sir!

COACH

I did not say that, young man.

BRIAN

Wow, I got downgraded from “Son” to “Young Man”, did I just get disowned? Sorry dad.

COACH

Try however you might, I’m not letting you leave until you pick your teammate!

BRIAN

You’re not letting me leave until I pick my teammate?

COACH

Yes, I’m—

BRIAN

So, you’ll let me leave if I pick someone? So, you’re letting me skip? Thanks dad.

COACH

I-I did not--!

BRIAN

Too late. (TO VICKY) Hey Vicky!

VICKY

Ah! Um! S-sorry, Brian, I’m already in a group.

BRIAN

Oh.

BEAT.

BRIAN

(TO COACH) Welp, I’m out of options. Guess I’ll just go home!

COACH

I’m not letting you go!

BRIAN

Wow dad, keep talking like that and I might have to call Child Protective Services.

COACH

And _I_ might have to call your parents if you keep giving me a hard time!

BRIAN

I don’t have any.

BEAT.

BRIAN

My parents are both dead.

Coach quiets down at Brian’s revelation. He unhands Brian.

COACH

(GENUINE) Son, I’m so sorry I had no idea—

BRIAN

Cool, thanks, bye.

Brian runs for the door and leaves.

Coach sighs exasperated, with his hands on his hips.

BEAT.

COACH

Vicky, _this_ is your boyfriend?

VICKY

He’s not my boyfriend!

SCOTT

That’s your boyfriend??? Congrats, Vicky!

VICKY

HE’S NOT! We’re just friends. Good friends, but nothing more.

SCOTT

Aw…

COACH

I’m concerned for him… Does he have any friends here besides you?

VICKY

Well… n-not… yet?

COACH

Hm… I see… Vicky, come see me in the hallway for a moment.

Coach walks out of the room and Vicky sheepishly follows. The instant they leave the class starts yelling and being rowdy.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, OUTSIDE CLASSROOM – CONT’D

Coach closes the door behind Vicky. Vicky stands before the teacher a little nervous.

VICKY

Listen, sir, about Brian--

COACH

Vicky, my old man used to tell me that… “if you can help someone in your reach then you have a moral obligation to”. Was one of the only good things he ever left me…

Vicky holds her arm and looks away sheepishly.

COACH

You understand? I don’t know what Brian’s struggling with but skipping and sleeping through class can’t mean anything good. If he goes down this path, who knows what’ll happen to him! Can I trust you with this?

VICKY

But… what am I supposed to do?

COACH

I don’t know… start with his lack of friends. If he knew more people here… maybe he’d start taking school a little more seriously.

VICKY

… I’ll try.

COACH

Atta girl. Also, my pay gets docked if a student drops out – so please.

VICKY

(DEADPAN) I’ll try.

Coach nods and walks back in the classroom. Vicky sighs before following him.

ACT TWO

EXT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, OUTDOORS – LATER

Brian and Vicky stand near the big tree in the courtyard.

BRIAN

I’m sorry, you want me to do _what?_

VICKY

I just said, I want you to make friends.

BRIAN

… Why?

VICKY

Because it’s a big problem! Before - setting aside how sad it made me, sad and lonely, in fact – I had no problem with letting you ditch school for the rest of the year! Trust me, I had not one reservation about you leaving me alone! Totally alone. No problem at all!

BRIAN

Wow, sorry I forgot to pack for this fuckin’ _guilt_ trip.

VICKY

Now, though… Coach has a point! I know you’re not here because you wanna be, but… I can’t just be your _only_ friend. Honestly, that’s why I wanted you to come to this school in the first place: so you could make friends instead of lazing about the house all day… Also, for some reason everyone thinks we’re dating now so… great opportunity to clear the air!

BRIAN

See, that’s the part I don’t get - aside from the part where this matters, of course –

VICKY

It _matters_.

BRIAN

How did this idea we’re dating even come from?

VICKY

(CONFUSED) Good question! No one listens to Coach so how did he manage to make everyone run with the “Vicky and Brian are a couple” thing just by saying it once? I’m even seeing posts about it on Instagram!

BRIAN

It’s probably not anything the tiger guy said.

VICKY

Really? Then why—

BRIAN

We’re both corpses and it’s racism.

BEAT.

Brian gives Vicky a thumbs up.

VICKY

Setting that _aside…_ Would you please just do this for me? I swear, I’ll never ask you to do anything else ever, I promise!

BRIAN

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

Vicky looks at Brian expectantly for a beat.

BRIAN

… _Fiiiine_.

VICKY

Yes!

BRIAN

(CUTESY) But how?? I’m a shy widdle boy who don’t like making fweinds—

VICKY

Never talk like that again. Luckily for you, I came up with a perfect solution!

BRIAN

Is it lucky I can’t just blow this off? Survey says…!

VICKY

Survey says listen for once, instead of quipping between all my sentences! The school is filled to the gills with cool, unique people: people who are super popular, or super hot, or super rich, or super smart - or all of the above in Vera’s case – there’s no way you won’t meet someone you click with. Let’s just go talk to all the popular kids!

BRIAN

Ok… so? Who are these… popular kids?

MIRANDA (O.S.)

(SINGING) _Laalaaaalaaaa…!_

A flock of birds rushes past Brian and Vicky toward the tree, under which Miranda sits, singing. They all surround the princess and chirp happily. The scene is idyllic.

BRIAN

Did we find one?

VICKY

(DEADPAN) Yep.

Miranda puts her hand out. Three different birds try to land on her fingers at once, and immediately start fighting for the chance to grace her royal digits. The winner, a bluebird puffs its chest out in pride.

MIRANDA

Aw! You’re adorable!

The bluebird tweets happily.

BRIAN

Well she seems nice, at least… Maybe this won’t be so bad?

VICKY

Umm…

BRIAN

What?

VICKY

Oh, n-… nothing, let’s say hi. I’m sure it’ll be fine.

Brian and Vicky walk up to Miranda.

VICKY

Hey, Miranda! This is… Brian. My _friend_.

BRIAN

Hello. It’s nice to meet you.

MIRANDA

Oh! Hello! My name is Miranda Vanderbilt. It’s _very_ nice to meet me, indeed, I’m sure you’re honored!

BEAT.

BRIAN

Excuse me?

MIRANDA

Excuse _you?_ Oh, I refuse. Haha, the nerve!

BEAT.

MIRANDA

Do you have any further pleasantries or are you finished interrupting me? Don’t bother answering.

BEAT.

BRIAN

(SARCASTIC) … I don’t know about you Vicky, but I think we’re really clicking here.

VICKY

(NERVOUS) H-haha! Um, this, Brian, is Miranda Vanderbilt.

MIRANDA

It is indeed! I’ve already said this. You needn’t repeat what I’ve already spoken, commoner.

VICKY

… She’s a princess.

BRIAN

Well she’s certainly acting that way.

MIRANDA

It is as that chubby girl says—

VICKY

H-hey!

MIRANDA

I am the fourth princess of the prestigious, luxurious, and illustrious Merkingdom. The happiest place on earth! And I am, by no stretch of the imagination, the most perfect part of that, most perfect of kingdoms. (SINGING) _Laalaaalaaaa…_

The roughly 30 birds – and one swan – who’ve assembled around Miranda finish her melody in perfect pitch…

MIRANDA

Hm.

Miranda’s smile drops.

MIRANDA

(TO BIRDS) Who did that?

The birds look at each other, worried.

MIRANDA

… Again. Sing again, same melody. 5, 6, 7 and…

Miranda conducts the birds and they sing again. She stops them immediately.

MIRANDA

I’m not crazy. One of you is off pitch.

The birds avert Miranda’s cold gaze.

MIRANDA

So? Which one of you is it? Which one of you _dared_ to sabotage my perfect melody? One of you better speak up, _immediately._

The birds shake in fear. One bird more so than the others though… Miranda notices this. The bluebird on her finger, is still as a statue.

MIRANDA

… Sing.

The bluebird gives Miranda a nervous glance before squeaking out a small tweet.

MIRANDA

Louder.

The bird eeks out a note.

MIRANDA

So? What do _you_ think? Do you think you were off pitch?

The bird says nothing. It just shakes in fear. Miranda takes a tuning fork from her handbag.

MIRANDA

You know what this is?

The bird shakes its head no.

MIRANDA

It’s a tuning fork. It’s tuned to a perfect A. I’m going to ring this… and then you’ll give me the most _exact_ , the most _peerless_ A you’ve ever conceived. if you’re even _one cent_ off I will _personally_ eradicate… nay, _annihilate_ your entire species from the face of the earth. I will wipe you from history _completely._

The bird is about to snap from sheer terror. Miranda rings the fork.

MIRANDA

Pray to your god.

The bird, gulps and tweets—

POLLY (O.S.)

(VOMITTING) EUUUUUUUGH!

Polly hurls behind the tree and stumbles into view. All the birds leave, including the bluebird from before.

Miranda huffs at Polly’s disgusting actions.

MIRANDA

Polina Geist! What on earth are you doing?! You’ve ruined my picturesque scene!

POLLY

(WASTED) H-haha! Sorry Miri, I’m juz tryina look for my belt…

Polly puts her arm up. Her belt is tied around her upper arm.

POLLY

Oh, here it is. Man, what did I get up to last night, right?

Vicky looks shocked at the sight, or just in general at everything she’s witnessed. Brian seems totally checked out.

BRIAN

… Oh, are we relevant again? Hey Vicky, this girl here seems pretty unique. Is she one of the people you want me to meet too?

VICKY

Well, um—

POLLY

Oh, Shiiiizz you’re that guy from this morning right? Green guy? Tall guy? Dead guy?

BRIAN

Pretty much!

POLLY

Vicky’s boyfriend!

VICKY

(TENSE) H-He’s not my—! (QUIETING DOWN) Oh, um, sorry- he’s not my boyfriend, Polly.

POLLY

Aw, that’s a shame. You two should date, you’ve got a lot in common.

BRIAN

Really, like what?

POLLY

You’re both corpses, umm…

Polly looked as though she was about to like, list off a bunch of things but she just stops after the one.

VICKY

… Ok! So, um, Brian… Let me do introductions! Brian, this is Polly.

POLLY

Hey, Boo!

VICKY

She’s super popular, super fun, basically everybody loves her… Kind of like me, we’re- haha, we’re pretty similar.

BRIAN

Right… two peas in a pod. My name’s Brian I’m uh… ah, whatever.

POLLY

Nice to meetcha Brian! Hey. Hey, do you wanna see a magic trick?

BRIAN

Sure?

Vomit spills out of Polly’s mouth. Vicky jumps back, but Brian doesn’t even flinch. Polly chuckles, self-satisfied.

BRIAN

… Wow, Vicky, I really see the resemblance.

VICKY

That--! That’s not--!

BRIAN

Yeah, I know.

POLLY

Speaking of knowing… Expert segue, right? What day is it today?

BRIAN

Uhh… Monday, I think?

POLLY

No like… the date.

VICKY

September 1st?

POLLY

Woah… already?

VICKY

Why, what’s wrong?

POLLY

Nah, it’s just… I was at this party a few nights ago and everything from then until right about 15 minutes ago is a total blur. So, like… can’t really position myself time-wise at the moment.

VICKY

A party? H-haha, classic Polly… Always partying…

BRIAN

Wow, Vicky, I really see the resemblance—

VICKY

Shut up.

POLLY

Yeah, it was a mad rager, dude. Also, the party was on august 17th – I was celebrating Bolivian flag day with some Bolivian guys in Bolivia - so I guess my brain just yeeted two weeks worth of memories. Whoops!

VICKY

You blacked out for _two weeks?!_

POLLY

Haha, yeah. What can I say? My life is a movie. Specifically, a movie that I keep napping through, so whenever I wake up, I have to ask people what the plot was, like an annoying girlfriend.

VICKY

Polly, that’s insane!

POLLY

Vicky, it’s not _that_ bad… you know, if you add up all the total time I spent sober this year, I think it _might_ add up to one _full_ day of total sober time! Which, I think we can agree, is more progress on my new years resolution than I’ve ever made in my life, OR in my death!

Polly giggles to herself. Brian and Vicky don’t join in at all.

BEAT.

POLLY

… Hey, do you have any heroin? I’d suck a dick for some heroin right about now.

BRIAN

If you’re serious then _trust_ me I will find some.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, LOCKERS – MEANWHILE

DAMIEN LAVEY opens his locker and looks inside, a tumultuous anger evident in his expression. Finally, he scowls.

DAMIEN

(FRUSTRATED) Where’s my cock?

Damien’s interrupted by a student beside him opening their locker. Damien turns to them to see the student – a skeleton – mouth agape.

SKELETON

Wh… what did you just _say_?

Damien slams his locker shut. The skeleton startles.

DAMIEN

What are you looking at, noob?

SKELETON

Uhh--?

Damien grabs him by the collar and pulls him up to eye level, furious.

DAMIEN

(IRRITATED) Got somethin’ to say about me and my fuckin’ cock?

Damien puts up his phone and shows the student a picture of his ‘cock’.

SKELETON

N-no! No, no I don’t— (RE: SEEING PICTURE) Oh.

It’s a picture of Damien hugging a chicken.

DAMIEN

(IRRITATED) I thought so. I wasn’t talking to you, see? I was talking to my locker, who was _supposed_ to keep my cock safe and sound, but for some reason, I can’t seem to find hide nor hair – or rather _feather -_ of my god damn cock! I don’t know about you, but… I think I lost my cock! What do you think? _Bitch?_

SKELETON

U-umm—

DAMIEN

(CRAZED) Do _YOU_ know where my cock went?! TELL ME!

SKELETON

Waaaah--!

The skeleton cries at being pushed so far by Damien. Damien unhands him and the skeleton runs away. He clicks his tongue.

DAMIEN

Damnit… DAMNIT!

Damien punches his locker, leaving a powerful dent in it.

DAMIEN

WHERE’S MY COCK!?

Damien punches his locker again, this time, breaking the door. As the door clangs against the floor, a piece of fabric falls with it. Green fabric, a piece of sleeve from a parka. Damien picks it up and inspects it.

DAMIEN

A clue, huh… (TO LOCKER) to think you’d still have your secrets to keep, you sneaky little bitch. I’m ONTO you!

The locker says nothing.

DAMIEN

AND! (RE: INSPECTING FABRIC) I’m onto whoever left this. I swear to Satan if I find him… I’ll make him wish he was never born. NO ONE steals my cock and lives to tell the tale!

Damien burns the piece of fabric as a show of his ire.

DAMIEN

(CACKLING MANIACALLY) HAHA! HAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

BEAT.

DAMIEN

(SERIOUS) Wait, Why did I just burn my only clue? Damnit…

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CAFETERIA – LUNCHTIME

Hard cut to Brian, depressed, head in his hands at a cafeteria table.

BRIAN

(SADDENED) I can’t believe I didn’t find any heroin…

VICKY

(DISINGENUOUS) Oh no, how tragic.

BRIAN

Well… I think it’s for the best.

VICKY

Uh, Yeah?

BRIAN

My dick might be kind of gross right now, zombie life is different.

VICKY

(JOKING) Zombie “life” is _paradoxical!_ Haha!

BEAT.

BRIAN

Good one.

VICKY

Shut up…

BRIAN

So? Are you satisfied or should I try meeting more people?

VICKY

Aw, Brian! I’m so happy you’re being proactive about making friends – see, I told you this would work!

BRIAN

Well, what can I say? If I’m trapped in this hell, I may as well be trapped with a smile.

Vicky looks at Brian, deadpan.

BRIAN 

Seriously though, who’s next? Is that pile of garbage from this morning one of those guys you wanted me to talk to?

VICKY

Alright, don’t call him a pile of garbage, he has feelings.

BRIAN

And that’s the biggest tragedy of all, isn’t it?

VICKY

(SIGHING) We may have utterly failed with Miranda and Polly, but that doesn’t mean we should give up.

BRIAN

I don’t know if I _failed_ with Polly, that went pretty well in my opinion—

VICKY

(SERIOUS) We failed with Polly, don’t bring that up again. After that disaster with those girls, I think we should go for a change of pace and talk to some of the boys—(HORRIFIED, LOOKING BESIDE BRIAN) V-Vera?! Stop that!

BRIAN

Stop what?

Reveal: VERA OBERLIN is standing beside Brian with a syringe stuck in his arm, siphoning his blood. Brian finally notices.

BRIAN

… Having fun down there?

VERA

Not yet. Face this way please?

Vera takes a picture of Brian with her phone. He blinks a few times.

VERA

Thank you…

BRIAN

Cool, could you put that back please? I don’t know if you noticed but I don’t have much of that left.

VERA

(RE: INSPECTING SYRINGE) No kidding… Are you even trying? This isn’t anywhere _near_ enough to frame you.

BRIAN

…

VERA

… Oh! My apologies—

Vera slides a contract on the table near Brian.

VERA

Here’s the consent form for letting me frame you for any one of my crimes if the need arises. Don’t worry about the nature of the crimes… it won’t involve you.

Vera’s head snakes hiss in unison.

BEAT.

BRIAN

Vic, why is Disgust from Inside Out trying to set me up?

VERA

(MENACING) _Excuse_ me?

VICKY

(WORRIED) B-Brian! (TO VERA) Um! Um, s-sorry, Vera he’s new he doesn’t know he shouldn’t… talk to you that way…

VERA

Then you’d better teach him before he says something I can’t just laugh off.

BRIAN

Ok, Gamora, I won’t hurt your feelings anymore.

VERA

(EYES NARROWED) And there it is.

VICKY

Brian! _Please_ stop comparing Vera to green-skinned characters from pop culture!

BRIAN

What, is this 20-year old high schooler dangerous or something?

Brian notices, finally, that literally all of Vera’s head snakes just bit him in his vitals.

BRIAN

… Oh, they bite.

VERA

They do, and so do I. Or rather, I would if you had any life savings I could scam you out of. Alas, it seems you’re just _too poor_ to be scammed… a novel problem but not one I’m surprised you have.

BRIAN

Way to kick a man while he’s broke…

VERA

I’m impressed you can still form sentences… my snakes should’ve disabled 80% of your brain functions by now. Ah! But I can’t be too tough on them, they can’t disable what you don’t have, can they?

BRIAN

Or maybe your poison just sucks?

VERA

What inspiring last words! I’ll be sure to pass them on to what remains of your family. Liam!

A mist appears on one of the seats at the table. From it coalesces LIAM DE LIONCOURT, sitting nonchalantly.

VERA

Here.

Vera throws the syringe of blood to Liam.

VERA

A snack.

Vera leaves, clacking her heals as she walks away. Liam drinks the blood and seems to find it… so-so.

BRIAN

(SARCASTIC) Wow. She really owned me.

VICKY

Well… she might _literally_ own you in not too long… THAT was Vera Oberlin, a gorgon and the top dog at this school. She’s obscenely rich, obscenely popular and obscenely smart. She’s top of the class! (MUTTERING) Specifically because she pays to be “0th” on all the tests I place 1st on…

BRIAN

Wow. She really owned me.

VICKY

Alright, you already said that Brian. (EXCITED) Oh! Meet Liam too! He’s a vampire, and kind of a hipster, but he’s actually a nice guy – when you agree with him on everything. Which I’m great at! So, we’re friends.

LIAM

Excuse me, Vicky? Why on earth would I be friends with someone as uncool as you?

VICKY

Yup! You said it, Liam!

BRIAN

Wow. She really owned me.

VICKY

Brian, we get it, stop quipping. Why do you keep—

Brian is stuck hunched over, with his eyes going in two different directions. There are sickly looking black spots over his skin.

VICKY

Uh-oh.

BRIAN

(WIDE-EYED) Wow. She really owned me. Wow. She really owned me. Wow. She really owned me. Wow—

VICKY

That’s the poison, right?

LIAM

(SARCASTIC) No, I think he caught a cold.

BEAT.

VICKY

… Help me carry him to the nurse’s office?

Liam dematerializes into a crowd of bats and flies away.

VICKY

Aw…

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, LIBRARY – A LITTLE LATER

Damien pounds both his fists on a table.

DAMIEN

Tell me! How do you find cocks?!

Reverse: Vera’s sitting at that table, along with Polly and Miranda. All three of them are staring at Damien bewildered.

BEAT.

VERA

(SMUG) Aha… well, _existing_ has worked for me so far.

POLLY

Yaaaass!! Get it, girl!

VERA

Honestly, the better question is how do cocks find _me_! The answer, by the way, is “At all costs”.

POLLY

Double YAAAAAASSS!

MIRANDA

Vera, please remind me why we’re allowing Polly to remain in the terrible women association—

POLLY

(INCREDULOUS) The “bad bitches club”?

MIRANDA

The awful females sisterhood after she so rudely…!

Miranda starts wincing at the thought.

MIRANDA

Oh, I can’t even say it!

POLLY

Oh! You mean when I (RE: GETTING ALL UP IN MIRANDA’S FACE) VOMITTED NEAR YOU??

MIRANDA

Eeeek!

Miranda tries to slap Polly but her hand just goes through her.

MIRANDA

How dare you be so crass?! You see, Vera?! How can you condone this behaviour?!

VERA

(BORED) Polly, stop being gross.

Miranda looks at Polly smugly. Polly puts her feet on the table and rolls her eyes.

POLLY

Booooo. And not the cute ‘boo’ that I call people as endearment, the ‘you suck’ boo.

VERA

As for you, Miranda, be more considerate toward Polly. If it was just the two of us, we’d have nothing to talk about. Actually, to be exact, you would have _lots_ to talk about specifically with regards to napkin folding which – as I remind you time and time again – I have less than zero interest in.

MIRANDA

And as _I_ remind you, time and time again, it’s one of the purest art forms ever conceived, so I’m truly baffled as to why you, someone with a clear interest in art, can’t appreciate it at least aesthetically…

VERA

For the last time, Miranda, I don’t have an interest in art, I have an interest in expensive things that make people feel inferior when they see I own them.

POLLY

(RE: ON PHONE) Hahaha!

The girls turn to Polly.

POLLY

Oh, sorry. I’m planning a party since I regained consciousness, so I was looking up shit people are celebrating today… Apparently today is “Emma Nutt” day! Which - I mean, mood - but wow, what an unfortunate name. (SNICKERING) “Emma _Nutt”…_

Polly turns to Damien, who is still here.

POLLY

… Oh, you’re still here?

DAMIEN

Yes.

POLLY

Why--?

Damien pounds the table with both hands again.

DAMIEN

I LOST MY COCK!

POLLY

Good for you!

VERA

You still can’t join the bad bitches club though.

DAMIEN

What? I don’t wanna join your club—I just wanna find my cock!

Damien shows the girls a picture of his cock. Polly gets really excited for a second thinking she knows what it’s gonna be, but her disappointment is palpable when she sees it’s the same picture of Damien hugging a chicken we saw before.

VERA

Oh, that’s what you meant.

POLLY

Booo! I thought this was gonna be sexy!

Miranda gasps.

MIRANDA

Oh no! Your cock is lost?!

DAMIEN

It’s lost, alright.

MIRANDA

(HORRIFIED) My word…! Is there no justice left in the world?

VERA

Miranda, have you seen this creature—

POLLY

Damien’s cock. Say it.

Vera rolls her eyes.

VERA

Miranda, have you seen Damien’s Cock before?

POLLY

TRIPLE YAAAAAASS! 

MIRANDA

Of course, I have! I’ve seen it many times!

POLLY

(SMIRKING) Uh-huh?

MIRANDA

Damien showed me his cock over the summer, at first, he didn’t want to—

DAMIEN

I was kind of embarrassed…

MIRANDA

But after some prodding, he opened up about it. I can’t believe it’s lost, though!

DAMIEN

I woke up this morning thinking I really wanted to stroke my cock, since I hadn’t for a while, and I figured I needed the relief—

POLLY

(HOLDING BACK LAUGHTER) _Uh-huh???_

MIRANDA

Right, you’ve done so in front of me many times, it’s how you de-stress.

DAMIEN

It’s how I de-stress. But lo and fuckin’ behold, he’s gone! I’ve been looking for my cock all day!

MIRANDA

That’s awful…

VERA

Polly, stop laughing. Damien, what do you want us to do about this? Whatever you do with your…

Vera glances at Polly. Polly looks at her expectantly.

VERA

You only get one, I’m not saying it again. (TO DAMIEN) Whatever you do with your pet is none of our concern.

DAMIEN

Help me find it!

VERA

Go fuck yourself. Not that you can, cock-less as you are, but the logistics don’t really matter to me.

POLLY

You said it again.

VERA

Shush.

DAMIEN

Are you serious?! I came all this way thinking you’d help!

VERA

That was your first mistake.

DAMIEN

Well thanks, Vera!

VERA

You’re welcome.

DAMIEN

AGHH!!

Damien turns around and punches a chair in front of him to splinters.

DAMIEN

I swear when I find whoever stole my cock I’M FUCKING KILLING HIM!

Vera hears this and visibly has an idea.

VERA

Damien…

DAMIEN

What?

VERA

On second thought, I might have a clue…

DAMIEN

You do?!

VERA

I might…

Vera takes her phone and pulls up the picture of Brian she took earlier, smirking wickedly to herself.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, FOOTBALL FIELD – AFTERNOON

Brian and Vicky find themselves in the football field near the bleachers. Vicky’s standing behind them, peeking at Scott, who’s taking a break from practice. He wipes the sweat from his brow and Vicky swoons. Brian’s behind her – bandaged up a little.

BRIAN

Wow. Hot guy.

VICKY

Right…? (CATCHING HERSELF) U-um! That’s not why we’re here!

BRIAN

Sure.

VICKY

Honestly, we should’ve started with Scott, he’s incredibly nice, and super cool, and really buff, and has a really nice smile and I bet he could throw _me_ if he wanted to! Haha… (SWOONING) Ha…

BRIAN

Why does anyone think _we’re_ dating if you’re creaming yourself over the _thought_ of _this_ dude? And what do you mean he could “throw” you – that’s a bottom of the iceberg fetish if I’ve ever heard one.

VICKY

Brian, I’m not surprised you don’t get it since you don’t like much besides sleeping and making fun of me, but every girl secretly longs to be thrown by a big strong man.

BRIAN

Wow. Citation fuckin’ _needed._

VICKY

Shush! He’s coming this way!

Scott walks over to where Brian and Vicky are standing/hiding. Vicky quickly fluffs her hair a little and unbuttons her top button.

SCOTT

Oh! Hey Vicky! Hey new person!

Vicky’s standing against the bleachers in what she assumes is a cool pose.

VICKY

(AWKWARD) Hey there, hot stuff. Wink.

BEAT.

SCOTT

Why are you doing that? (TO BRIAN) Why is she doing that, do you know?

BRIAN

She’s trying to get you to throw her.

SCOTT

Again?

VICKY

(EMBARASSED) Th-that’s enough! That’s enough Scott, that’s enough Brian, everyone just… forget I ever did that.

SCOTT

Ok! Let me start over then…

Scott walks backwards out of view, before waiting a beat and coming back the exact same way he came in before.

VICKY

Oh! Hey Vicky! Hey new person!

BRIAN

Uh…??

VICKY

Hey Scott! Nice to see you, how’s practice?

BRIAN

(TO HIMSELF) Oh, we’re just rolling with this.

SCOTT

(ANSWERING VICKY) It’s going great! I’m up 10 percent on the amount of effort I’m putting in from 110 to 115!

BRIAN

Wait, what?

VICKY

That’s amazing!

BRIAN

(TO HIMSELF) And I guess we’re rolling with that too?

SCOTT

If only that effort could be transferred into us winning more games…

VICKY

(SADDENED) Oh no, Scott…!

SCOTT

Coach says we’re just not sports-ing hard enough but I’m sports-ing as hard as I can! My effort went up from 110 percent to 114!

BRIAN

Wasn’t it 115 a second ago?

SCOTT

I lost one percent by making myself sad just now…

VICKY

Scott, please don’t be sad… you’re doing your best aren’t you?

SCOTT

Yeah…

VICKY

Then that’s all that matters, isn’t it? You did your part. You don’t have to shoulder the burden for everybody, football is a team sport! As long as you do your best, and you inspire everyone else to do the same, you’re sure to be rewarded.

Scott seems to feel a little better.

SCOTT

Thanks, Vicky.

VICKY

No problem.

BEAT.

SCOTT

I’ll throw you later if you want.

VICKY

YES!

BRIAN

And there it is.

SCOTT

Oh! Sorry for this morning, Vicky. I heard you and…

BRIAN

Brian. Nice to meet you, man.

SCOTT

Nice to meet you, Brian! (TO VICKY) I heard you and Brian aren’t dating?

VICKY

Nope! Not at all, I am… I am just, _so_ single. Like, oh my god, you couldn’t find a more available person on this campus.

Scott puts a hand on Vicky’s shoulder, sympathetic.

SCOTT

It’s ok, Vicky. You’ll find someone one day.

VICKY

…

Brian puts a hand on Vicky’s shoulder too, with a fake look of sympathy.

BRIAN

It’s ok, Vicky.

VICKY

(TO BRIAN) Shut up.

BRIAN

You know, this guy doesn’t seem too bad. What do you like, Scott? What are you into?

SCOTT

Loads of stuff! Like, throwing footballs… catching footballs… seeing footballs be thrown and caught… Ikebana…

VICKY

That’s great! You know, Brian likes football too!

SCOTT

Woah!! Really???

BRIAN

I, uh…

Scott seems really _really_ hyped about this news. Brian relents.

BRIAN

Yeah, I like football.

SCOTT

Awesome! You know, we have a team! Look:

Scott points to his teammates. They wave at him.

SCOTT

You’re always welcome on the field, bro. Come play with us!

BRIAN

You know what…? I might.

SCOTT

Sweet!

Coach calls Scott over.

SCOTT

Right away, Coach! Sorry, guys, I gotta jet. Nice meeting you, bro Brian! Bro-an! Nah, that doesn’t work… just Brian!

BRIAN

Nice to meet you too.

Scott waves and runs back over to the team to continue practice. Brian nods a little to himself. Vicky beams from ear to ear.

BRIAN

Well, aren’t you happy?

VICKY

Of course!! My bestie’s gonna be besties with my crush!! I _knew_ this was a great idea!

BRIAN

Alright, alright, calm down, that’s not gonna happen…

Brian gives Vicky a playful shove.

BRIAN

You’re already my besti— Uh, my best friend.

Vicky seems really pleased with herself.

BRIAN

So? Anyone else you think I should meet?

Vicky’s smile drops.

VICKY

Um… Wh-why don’t we just skip over the last one?

BRIAN

Wait, what? I mean, I’d be glad to, and I probably would’ve without you asking, but why do _you_ wanna cut corners?

VICKY

Let’s just say that… some corners are better left cut.

At that exact moment, a massive explosion blasts out in the distance. The fierce wind buffets Vicky, Brian and Scott as well as the team as a trail of smoke fires into the air.

After a beat of the explosion dissipating, the cause of the trail of smoke, who was sent into the air by the blast, lands just a few feet from the two in a ball of fire with a thunderous crash.

From the crater he formed, a red, ashen hand rises. Damien crawls out from the seared ground, coughing out dust particles. He looks pissed.

As he gets up, Vicky steps back a little while Scott runs over to the launched Damien.

SCOTT

You ok, Bro?!

DAMIEN

(COUGHING) Not now, Scott.

Damien finally gets to his feet, angered beyond belief. He looks at Brian and sees his ripped sleeve.

DAMIEN

I KNEW IT! YOU!

Damien points to Brian.

DAMIEN

FUCK YOU!

BEAT.

BRIAN

… Ok?

DAMIEN

God, I’M SO FUCKING PISSED RIGHT NOW! I’M SO PISSED I COULD CRUSH MY OWN SKULL AND SLIT MY THROAT WITH THE BONE FRAGMENTS! I’M SO PISSED, I WANNA SET FIRE TO THE WHOLE CITY AND PUT OUT THAT FIRE _JUST_ SO I CAN LIGHT IT AGAIN!

BRIAN

… Ok--?

DAMIEN

You fuckin’ piece of green, sickly shit! I’ll make you _WISH_ YOU WERE DOUBLE DEAD YOU SON OF A BITCH! I’M GONNA PUNCH YOUR FACE SO HARD YOU’LL LOOK BACK WITH MELANCHOLY AT THE DAYS WHEN YOUR FACE BONES DIDN’T LOOK LIKE A JIGSAW PUZZLE!

BRIAN

Good for you man. It’s important to have goals in life.

BEAT.

VICKY

Is that all you have to say?

BRIAN

Sure, that and I avoid any kind of idealization of the past since that kind of thing is inherently worthless, pragmatically speaking, so I doubt I’ll be feeling any melancholy.

LIAM (O.S.)

Oooooh! Pragmatism burn!

The group turns to Liam, who is sitting on the bleachers eating popcorn.

LIAM

Violence always loses against well-constructed worldviews based on strong branches of philosophy!

BEAT.

BRIAN

… Vicky, who’s that?

VICKY

That’s—

LIAM

Liam de Lioncourt – Noted philosopher, scholar, tastemaker, influencer, and auteur. “Pleased to make your acquaintance” is what I’m sure you would’ve said, if Damien wasn’t about to punch your jaw off.

BRIAN

Wait, wha—

Damien is right in front of Brian, and punches him, aiming for his jaw. Brian dodges, however, stepping aside.

BRIAN

Woah!

LIAM

Impressive! You live to speak another day.

Brian feels a ghostly hand touch his shoulder. He turns around to see Polly, flanked by Miranda, behind him.

POLLY

Wha… Oh! Green guy!

BRIAN

Brian.

POLLY

Breineken, sure – hey did you find that heroin? Offer from earlier’s still on the table.

BRIAN

C-can I get an extension…?

POLLY

Sorry dude, 24-hour deal only. It’s a flash sale.

BRIAN

(FRUSTRATED) _Damnit…!_

POLLY

It’s ok though! I’m throwing a party tonight to celebrate “Imma Nutt” day, you wanna come?

BRIAN

You’re inviting me?

POLLY

Sure! You seem cool.

BRIAN

R-really?

POLLY

Not at all, but you _are_ willing to feed my heroin addiction, so I’ll say anything you want me to.

BRIAN

Ah, that makes sense.

POLLY

Watch out for Damien, by the way.

Brian’s too distracted to dodge Damien’s next hit, however. Damien punches him in the stomach; Brian doubles over from the pain. Damien’s about to go for another punch but Vicky steps between them.

VICKY

S-STOP!

DAMIEN

Out of the way, _Vicky._ My deal’s with gangly over there!

VICKY

B-but!!

DAMIEN

NO BUTS!

Damien goes to try to punch Vicky, but is stopped by a retaliatory attack from Brian. Damien stumbles backwards from the hit. Brian seems serious.

BRIAN

Agh… thank god I don’t have a stomach anymore, right Vic?

DAMIEN

What the hell was that, you bastard--?!

BRIAN

No, what the hell was _THAT_?! You punch girls now?

DAMIEN

If she keeps getting between our brawl then I might _have_ to!

BRIAN

Yeah alright. You want a brawl? You’re fuckin’ getting one.

Brian gets in a fighting pose, same as Damien. The two are about to clash, but right as they’re about to, Vera comes between them and disables them both.

DAMIEN

(PARALYZED) FUCK… SHIT…!

BRIAN

(PARALYZED) Not _this_ again…!

VERA

Now, now, settle down, boys. This gratuitous violence is unbecoming.

VICKY

Vera?! How did you—

VERA

I’ve been here the whole time, of course.

BRIAN

(PARALYZED) What do you want, Fiona?

VERA

I can’t believe I’m actually jealous of Damien, but here we are! To think he gets to annihilate you in my stead…

VICKY

What’s your game, Vera?

VERA

Didn’t I just say? I’m not a fan of reckless violence…

BEAT.

VERA

(CONTINUING) …That doesn’t generate income for me – I’m a HUGE fan of violence, of every variety. I’m just here to sell tickets to this fight.

Vera pulls tickets from her jacket pocket. As soon as she does, a crowd manifests from literally nowhere to request these tickets.

VERA

(ADRESSING CROWD) Come one, come all! Watch Damien skin this latest of god’s mistakes, live! Tickets start at 900 dollars for ringside seats, and remain at 900 dollars for every seat. Tickets are 900. Fight starts at 10PM!

POLLY

What?! That’s the same time as my party! what the hell Vera?! You wanna double-book all my guests?!

VERA

… Polly, the fight is happening _at_ your party.

POLLY

Oh…!

DAMIEN

(PARALYZED) What do you mean… 10PM! I WANNA KICK HIS ASS NOW…!

VERA

Wouldn’t you rather do so with a crowd to see his skeleton be dismantled?

Damien chuckles menacingly to himself.

DAMIEN

(PARALYZED) Fair… point!

BRIAN

(PARALYZED) You think… I’m gonna show up to your bullshit money making scheme?!

VERA

Brian, Brian, Brian. Think about this way!

Vera puts a hand on Brian’s shoulder.

VERA

If you don’t show up, I’m making Vicky fight.

Brian is silent for a beat, before sighing deeply.

ACT THREE

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CAFETERIA – EVENING

The cafeteria has been transformed into a fully turnt up party, which just so happens to have a four-sided cage erected in the center. A raucous crowd has assembled to witness the fight. Damien sits in a corner of the cage, firing himself up. Brian sits in the opposite corner of the cage, while Vicky stands beside him outside it.

VICKY

Alright, remember what we went over! Float like a butterfly, sting like the 8th season of Game of Thrones!

BRIAN

… Hey, Vicky. When you told me I should go to school with you, did you think something like this might happen?

VICKY

Honestly? Yeah. Everyone at this school is insane…

BRIAN

This whole thing seems fishy as hell. Why does this guy I’ve never met want to beat me up?!

VICKY

Damien’s just _like_ that. He’s a demon.

BRIAN

He’s a _what?!_

VICKY

A demon. From hell?

BRIAN

… HELL IS REAL?!

VICKY

Uhhhh, yeah? Why are you freaking out?

BRIAN

Why are you just _fine_ with this?! God might be real too!

VICKY

What do you mean… _might?_

Brian’s eyes widen.

VICKY

Brian, God and hell being real is the least of your worries right now. The guy you’re about to fight is no joke: he’s the prince of the 8th circle of hell! They say he’s been indicted for arson so many times they invented fourth degree arson specifically to describe what he does to buildings.

BRIAN

(BEWILDERED) … Should I stop eating pork? (NOTICING VICKY) Oh, uh, sorry. Were you talking?

BEAT.

VICKY

Ugh.

MIRANDA (O.S.)

WOOOO!

Miranda sits on the sideline, having bought a whole row’s worth of ringside seats, cheering politely.

MIRANDA

GO DAMIEN! GRIND THE MAN I DON’T KNOW INTO A FINE PASTE! If you please.

BRIAN

What is her _deal…?_

VICKY

Brian, listen. I’m sorry this happened but… do your best, ok? I’m sure you’ll be fine. I’m in your corner! Don’t get hurt too bad!

BEAT.

VICKY

… Just try not to die, ok?

Vera takes the stage and grabs a mic. She cues for dramatic lighting as she speaks.

VERA

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the main event of the evening! Live from our very own school cafeteria- this is what you’ve all been waiting for! Damien LaVey PULVERIZES a hapless, witless, godless whelp!

The crowd’s roaring cheers fill the room.

VERA

Fighting out of the red corner – standing at 6 feet 2 inches tall, weighted at 153.2 pounds! With a record of 666 wins and NO losses! Wanted across 40 different countries around the world for crimes such as first degree arson, burglary, homicide, embezzlement, genocide, Perjury, second degree arson, disorderly conduct, disturbing the peace, about 500 different DUI’s, Identity theft, third degree arson AND fourth degree arson! The prince of hell – DAMIEN LAVEY!

The crowd goes even wilder than it did a second ago.

VERA

Now! Fighting out of the inferior blue corner – standing physically at 6 feet 3 inches, but standing mentally at well below 20 IQ points, weighted at 147 pounds! Blood type is A! Lives at 700 LaGrove street! Social security number is 180 277 900! Bank PIN is 0905!

VICKY

Wait, what?!

VERA

With a record of nothing but losses! The punching bag – BRIAN YU!

The crowd boos him heavily. They start chucking garbage at him, which doesn’t bother Brian too much, even when a ramune can hits Brian square in the head. He just picks it up and drinks what’s left.

VERA

Fighters!

Brian gets up, same as Damien, and they both meet in the center of the arena. Vera gets out of the ring as Scott – in a referee outfit – enters, standing between the fighters.

DAMIEN

You’re fucking dead, man!

BRIAN

Yep.

SCOTT

Alright, this fight’s gonna have breaks every 5 minutes. There’s no round limit - whoever’s left standing by the end is the winner. I wanna see a good clean fight, alright?

BRIAN

Alright.

DAMIEN

Fine…

Vera strikes the bell signifying the first round. The crowd roars at the impending bout.

**MONTAGE – THE FIGHT**

A montage of the fight ensues. Damien and Brian battle in the ring, exchanging fierce blows with one another. Damien is a lot more offensive than Brian is, who prefers dodging and blocking rather than striking back, but that’s not to say Brian doesn’t get any good hits in. It seems as though they’re evenly matched. Every once in a while, the fighters go back to their corners where Brian is tended to by Vicky and given vague advice like to “believe in himself”. This goes on for… a long time.

We see cuts of the round number increasing, 1, 2, 4, 7, 9, etc… As the audience gets progressively more tired, and the fighters get exponentially more tired.

**END MONTAGE**

The montage ends with round 15. Everyone’s exhausted. Damien is breathing heavily, severely beat up. Brian is in the same position. He sits in his corner as Vicky tends to his cuts.

VICKY

Brian, I can’t abide by this. You’re getting _really_ beat up… at this rate it’s better if you just forfeit. Brian?

Brian’s not listening. He’s got his fingers up to his neck. As we pull in, we can tell he’s listening to his heartbeat. It’s… fast. Brian chuckles a little.

BRIAN

Vicky…

VICKY

(WORRIED) Brian?

BRIAN

We’re both… dead, right? Both of us have died… and yet we live on. For a long time, I struggled with reconciling my death with my continued existence. What brought me here? What force led to my walking this earth beyond my natural life? And, more terrifyingly… how many days do I have left, knowing my days have already run out? Do you ever think about this?

BEAT.

Vicky looks horrified.

VICKY

Brian… Did you hit your head?

Brian stares at Vicky, deadpan. After a moment, he looks across the ring to Damien who’s grumbling and muttering under his breath. He looks to everyone he’s met: Scott, who’s admiring his referee whistle, Vera, who’s counting the money she made off the event over and over again, Liam, taking a picture of Damien’s bruised face, Miranda, who’s found the bluebird from that morning and is now strangling it, and Polly, who’s fully passed out.

He nods to himself.

BRIAN

Yeah. I must’ve.

Scott motions for the fighters to get up and come to the center.

SCOTT

Alright! The promoter – that’s Vera – said she’s getting bored so this is gonna be the last round!

DAMIEN

Fine by me, I don’t even need a round to lay this fucking guy flat on his ass.

BRIAN

That’s why 15 rounds in I’m still standing, right?

DAMIEN

I’ll admit you’re tougher than you look.

BRIAN

Same to you.

DAMIEN

…

Damien extends a hand to Brian. Brian takes it with no hesitation.

DAMIEN

No matter how this turns out… you’re one tough son of a bitch.

BRIAN

Don’t come complaining to me when you get knocked out.

DAMIEN

I’d like to see you fuckin’ try!

BRIAN

Funny you should say that. I think I might actually start trying now.

The bell rings again. The fighters take their stances. That said both of them are severely tired. Damien psyches himself up, and Brian does the same. They lunge toward each other, preparing to strike simultaneously. But just as they’re about to make contact—

COCK

BAKAAAAAWK!

Like a sign from god, a feather falls between the fighters.

BRIAN

Wha…?

DAMIEN

No way…!

Damien looks up, mystified. Before everyone at the party, the unthinkable happens : chicken falls from the sky, floating down angelically, until it lands in Damien’s arms.

DAMIEN

(CRYING) My… MY COCK!! YOU’RE FINE!

Damien strokes his chicken lovingly.

DAMIEN 

I’m never letting you go…!

Everyone is confused at this, the weirdest scene they’ve ever seen.

BRIAN

Uhh…

Damien turns to Brian.

BRIAN

Nice chicken?

DAMIEN

Of course it’s a nice cock, that’s why you _stole_ it!

BRIAN

… I didn’t though?

BEAT.

DAMIEN

Wait, seriously?

BRIAN

Nope, never seen that chicken before.

DAMIEN

Then why did Vera show me a picture of you and tell me you stole my cock?

BRIAN

Because I’ve been making fun of her all day, so she both has a motive and the means to frame me for anything she wants?

DAMIEN

That’s ridiculous! She wouldn’t just—

BRIAN

She’s gone.

DAMIEN

Wha--?!

Damien turns to where Vera was. Vera’s totally gone, she bolted.

Damien witnesses this then turns back to his cock.

DAMIEN

… I need better friends.

BRIAN

Well…

Brian extends a hand to Damien.

BRIAN 

The name’s Brian.

DAMIEN

Hahaha!

Damien takes Brian’s hand and shakes it vigorously.

DAMIEN 

Damien! Nice to meet you!

BRIAN

Likewise.

POLLY (O.S.)

BOOO!

The boys turn to Polly, who’s standing in the crowd.

POLLY 

What are you guys doing?! Finish the fight!

The crowd echoes her sentiments.

DAMIEN

But like… why? I don’t wanna beat him up anymore.

BRIAN

I kinda wanna know which one of us’ll win though…

DAMIEN

Same, honestly…

BRIAN

(TO VICKY) Vicky! Any ideas?

Vicky thinks for a moment.

VICKY

Actually…

INT. “IMMA NUTT” DAY PARTY – LATER

Cut to the boys dueling in…

BRIAN

_(SINGING) Taaalking away…!_

… Karaoke. The party’s raging on as the boys trade verses of a-ha’s iconic hit “Take on Me”. Neither of them is especially good, but no one’s sober enough to care.

BRIAN (V.O.)

I didn’t know it at the time but… in a weird way, this stupid story about me and Damien fighting over a chicken is where everything started.

As Brian speaks, we see shots of all his classmates having fun at this party.

BRIAN (V.O.)

The year I spent here… my last year of high school… this right here is where it really started. Not just for me--

First, Polly and Miranda, who’ve made up, screaming the lyrics to take on me along with Brian and Damien.

BRIAN (V.O.) 

-For all of us! It’s honestly funny to think about the people we were back then… Polly, Miranda… Liam, Scott…

Scott’s going crazy on the dance floor. Liam watches from a distance and rolls his eyes.

BRIAN (V.O.) 

Vera…

Vera sits alone on the steps leading up to the gate of the school, dialing someone on her cellphone.

BRIAN (V.O.) 

Damien…

DAMIEN

(SINGING) _Taaaaake ooonnnn meeeee…!_

BRIAN (V.O.) 

Me…

BRIAN

(SINGING) _Taaaake meeee ooooon…!_

BRIAN (V.O.)

Vicky…

Vicky stands in the crowd, smiling sweetly at Brian. Brian catches her glance and smiles back at her. A genuine smile, with no jeer or snideness. Just a smile that says… I’m having fun.

BRIAN (V.O.) 

Even people I hadn’t met just yet. Thinking about who we were, compared to who we are… we really haven’t changed at all. Every one of us is the same awful person we always were… Just a bunch of killers, scammers, addicts, and maniacs. Monsters. and I’m right there with ‘em! Haha… Crazy how one day you just…

Damien nods to Brian. Brian nods back.

BRIAN (V.O.) 

… Find your people.

BRIAN & DAMIEN 

(SINGING TOGETHER) _I’ll beeeee goooooone…! IN A DAY OR **TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO** \--!_

DAMIEN’S COCK

**_BAKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWK--!_ **

FADE OUT:

THE END


	2. Oz Gets Blackmailed

FADE IN:

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CAFETERIA – LATER

Polly lounges on one of the seats at a cafeteria table. Vera and Miranda sit before her, the former eats a bleeding cut of steak, the latter eats nothing.

POLLY

(GROANING) UUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!

VERA

Polly, stop groaning and look at me. 

Polly rolls her eyes and stops before looking at Vera, annoyed.

VERA

(SERIOUS) (SIMULTANEOUS) Stop hanging out with that loser Oz.

POLLY

(SIMULATENOUS) “Stop hanging out with that loser Oz”. Thank you, Vera, your input is _totally_ appreciated. Are we done with this now?

vera

I don’t know, will you quit debasing yourself like this?

POLLY

You seriously think you’re my mom, this is _so_ funny.

VERA

I’m only repeating myself because you keep _not listening._

POLLY

Well guess what, babe. Message fuckin’ received. Hop off my dick now? Please?

VERA

Polly… taking advantage of idiots is what I specialize in.

POLLY

Uh-huh?

VERA

But what you’re doing with Oz? It’s too pathetic, even for me.

polly

Vera, you’re just pissed ‘cause you’re not living life on easy street like me. This shit’s so simple! All I do is smile and wave at him and listen to him talk about comics every once in a while, and he does like, _all_ my homework! Oz taking care of all my stupid school shit literally _tripled_ the amount of time I can spend on organizing my dick pic collection!

VERA

Pathetic. Utterly pathetic.

POLLY

I think you mean “clever”?

vera

Believe me, I mean both of you are pathetic. Of course, him more so… (DISGUSTED) God, the things men do for “love”…

POLLY

A-ha! That’s the best part, though! Oz doesn’t even like me!

VERA

(INCREDULOUS) Really. Did _he_ tell you that?

POLLY

I’m serious! I don’t get any vibes off him at all. The guy just straight up thinks we’re friends. I get all the benefits of having a simp, with NONE of the downsides! I struck gold!

VERA

Right, he totally thinks you’re just friends. That’s why he’s staring at you right now.

Polly turns to see, at a table a ways away, Oz staring at her. Polly smiles and waves.

VERA

(DISGUSTED) God, what are you doing…?

POLLY

(SMILING AND WAVING) Getting my essay written, Vera.

MIRANDA

(LOOKING AT OZ) Hmmmm…

EXT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL – NOON - ESTABLISHING

Pan across the cafeteria, to reveal OZ, sitting at a table alone. He sees Polly waving at him, and he gets shy and looks back down at his meal.

He’s got a plate of spaghetti. 

Oz puts his hand over the meal. Shadows pour from his hand like water and drop onto the lunch, coalescing into little black beings, his phobias, which begin to consume the pasta. he looks to the right where he spots a group of monsters gawking at him. When Oz notices them, they try to play it cool.

Oz looks back at the shadows eating his lunch, as the monsters on the other table gossip. 

WIDE SHOT: Oz’ table. There’s no one else there. He really is alone.

Oz looks off a little distraught, before looking back toward the windows, with a glint in his eye.

REVERSE SHOT: Polly sitting and talking with her friends. The friends are out of focus: all of Oz’ attention is on Polly. She smiles and laughs in slow motion, bathed in the golden light of the sun. 

Cut back to Oz, mesmerized. Without taking his eyes off Polly, he reaches in his backpack and fishes out a notebook and his pencil case, while pushing his dinner away with his other hand.

Oz opens the notebook and tries to find an empty page. As he does this, we can see that most of the pages in the book have sketches and drawings of Polly in them. Oz finds a blank page and starts sketching. 

After a brief montage of him drawing, he ends up with a detailed, lovingly-crafted sketch of Polly. He looks back at the real Polly, still transfixed, and back at his drawing. 

He seems dissatisfied in his rendering. He takes his eraser and is about to swipe it across the sketch…

MIRANDA (O.S.)

Halt!

A pink scaled hand stops Oz from erasing the drawing. 

PAN UP: Miranda’s looking over Oz’ shoulder. 

MIRANDA

Don’t destroy this piece, shadowy friend! This level of talent is rare in lowborn beings like yourself. Although, if you allow some small criticism, it seems that the size of Polly’s breasts in this portrait is smaller than in reality. I believe it’s the pose that she’s in that’s playing the visual trick. (TURNING OVER TO ANOTHER PAGE) Oh! It seems you knew that; the size is perfect in this rendering. You’re very observant, aren’t you?

Miranda turns to Oz, finally.

Oz is in utter terror. If you look in his eyes, you can just barely make out his world crumbling around him.

MIRANDA

Shadowy friend--?

OZ

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-!!

TITLE: “OZ GETS BLACKMAILED” 

THEME SONG

ACT ONE

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, LOCKERS - AFTERNOON 

Brian and Vicky are at their lockers. 

BRIAN

Vicky, could you tell me what the point of the other day was if after making two whole friends, neither of them could partner up with me for that group project?

VICKY

The point was you made friends. Even if you ended up not being able to do what you made those friends for in the first place.

BRIAN

Not that I’m complaining, Group projects are stupid. 

VICKY

Good news, though! You get to take remedial classes now to make up for those credits you lost by blowing off the project.

BRIAN

… Is it weird that after hearing you say “good news” I was expecting you to follow up with good news?

VICKY

It’s good news to me, remedial classes are fun! They’re like school but… more! 

Vicky hands Brian a stack of books. 

BRIAN

(TAKING BOOKS) Just what I wanted. More school.

PAN OVER: Oz walking to his locker. He looks paranoid. 

He arrives at his locker and fiddles with the lock for a moment, looking to the left and right of him, as though trying to make sure no one notices him. 

His gaze falls on Polly to his right, who’s also at her locker. She opens it and takes nothing more than a whiskey bottle out before closing it and walking away, chugging the alcohol. Oz looks at this with a mix of yearning and astonishment.

Cutting back to the locker, which Oz has opened absentmindedly, the door opens slowly revealing Miranda, bent and tucked in the locker in an uncomfortable looking pose. 

MIRANDA

(IN LOCKER) So, what is the situation between you two, are you in love with Polina?

OZ

(LOOKING BACK TO HIS LOCKER) AAAH!

Oz slams the locker door shut out of fear.

OZ

O-oh, crap, sorry!

Miranda, or rather another Miranda, appears beside Oz.

MIRANDA

That doesn’t answer my question.

OZ

AAAAAH! Wait… (POINTING TO LOCKER) Huh? how’d you—

MIRANDA

(INTERRUPTING) Oh! Did you perhaps think that I, a merprincess, was tucked inside your high school locker? It was merely subterfuge! I had my body double serf set up this quaint little trick.

Miranda reopens the locker. A nearly identical looking Miranda body double is still inside.

BODY DOUBLE

(CRAZED) P-please mistress Miranda I’ve been in here for 24 hours, I haven’t eaten anything – please let me leave the locker—

Miranda slams the locker door on the body double mid-sentence and locks it with a diamond plated lock. And then puts ANOTHER lock around the first lock, this one platinum plated. 

Oz looks at this with confusion and horror.

MIRANDA

What? This is your fault you know; Certainly, my body double is excellent, but for you to be _confused_ for even a moment that I was or wasn’t the real Miranda – as though – as though MY beauty and hers aren’t leagues apart! Clearly, she deserves suiting punishment for encroaching upon my aesthetics, wouldn’t you agree?

A desperate muffled scream rings out from the locker. Miranda slams a hand against it.

MIRANDA

Now, I order you to impart upon me the so called “deets” on your relationship with Polina--

OZ

(INTERRUPTING) There’s… there’s no relationship between us, ok? We’re just friends. It’s just… it’s just me sketching her. A lot.

MIRANDA

(COLD)Firstly, consider yourself lucky I’m not having you executed for interrupting me. 

Beat.

MIRANDA (cONT’D)

(GENUINE) Secondly, how sad! To be naught more than friends with a girl like her must be heart-rending! She’s so nice, after all.

OZ

Yeah, she’s super nice! And she’s cool and… (LOOKING AWAY FROM MIRANDA) Fun… and pretty, and she brings people joy, and everybody loves her… 

MIRANDA (O.S.)

I see… so it can be said, with no shadow of a doubt, that you have a crush on Polly Geist?

OZ

Yeah… yeah of course, I mean how couldn’t I? There’s no doubt about it, I really like her. (BEAT) You know what, Miranda, I was scared of whether you were gonna say or do anything but… It actually feels nice to get this stuff off my chest. (TURNING BACK TO MIRANDA) So, thanks—

As Oz turns back to Miranda, he sees Miranda with her phone out. 

Recording. 

MIRANDA

Yes, thank you very much for your very… VERY telling testimonial.

OZ

(TREMBLING) Delete that. Delete that, Please.

MIRANDA

Wherefore? 

OZ

Miranda, that’s personal, you’ve gotta delete it—

MIRANDA

(INTERRUPTING) My word, what’s this? A peasant issuing orders to royalty? Do not mistake my charming demeanor for kindness, this video is being loaded up to the reef this instant!

Miranda puts up her phone. It reads “UPLOADED TO REEF”.

OZ

What… what’s the ‘reef’, is that like the cloud or something—?

MIRANDA

(INTERRUPTING) It’s NOTHING like the ‘cloud’ you clod, as if I’d dare entrust even a used TAMPON to the home of the airpeople- But that’s besides the point! The point is, as with most everything else, I’m currently in an advantageous position over you. (GETTING CLOSER, OMINOUS) Far be it from me to empathize with lowborn feelings like “shame”, but if my research is accurate… you wouldn’t like if this video was spread around, would you?

OZ

… No—

MIRANDA

Moreover, your relationship with Polly – hollow as it may be – is important to you. Alas, it would most surely disintegrate if Polly found out the boy she thought of as a friend and nothing more harbored these… feelings… wouldn’t it?

oz

… Yes--

MIRANDA

Yes, of course. Now, I am, as I’m sure you surmised, a gracious person. I’m very open to deleting this footage… that is, if you do a few things for me. 

Miranda hands Oz an Obsidian envelope. Oz looks at it, then at Miranda for a beat. Miranda’s holding back laughter.

oz

(REALIZING) Oh, I get it. It’s blackmail.

MIRANDA

(EXCITED) It’s black mail!

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, REMEDIAL CLASSROOM – LATER

Brian sits at a desk in a seemingly empty classroom, a thick stack of textbooks to his right, and a clump of worksheets to his left. 

The worksheets read “REMEDIAL MATH” and they’re all unanswered. The clock ticks down, slowly.

POV SHOT: Brian closes his eyes and falls asleep. 

HAZY VOICE

Hey!

A voice in the haze calls out. After a beat, Brian reopens his eyes. His vision is filled with the only other student in the remedial class: VALERIE OBERLIN.

VALERIE

Hey stranger. 

brian

(HALF-ASLEEP) Whuh? Who’re you?

VALERIE

(TAKING A SEAT IN FRONT OF BRIAN) The name’s Valerie. 

BRIAN

Nice to meet you…? Wait, what’re you doing here, I thought I was the only one in the remedial class.

VALERIE

(SNICKERING) No, yeah, you are! I’m in detention, they’re just doing both at the same time because they don’t reaaaally give a shit. Also, we’re like the only two people who showed up to either thing – everyone else just ditches it.

BRIAN

Yeah? So why didn’t you ditch it?

VALERIE

Eh… I’ve ditched so many of these it’s boring. Wanted to see what it’d be like to follow the rules for once, you know? Turns out, it’s boring as hell!

Valerie chuckles, Brian sort of reciprocates then turns his attention back to the worksheets.

VALERIE

Woah, you’re not seriously gonna do those worksheets are you?

BRIAN

Why not? I’m in high school after all, I might as well… what’s the word?

VALERIE

Waste your fucking time?

BRIAN

I was gonna say ‘learn’? But yours is good too. 

valerie

You think?

BRIAN

Yeah, it’s “cogent” I’d say. That’s a new word I _learned_ by… wasting my fucking time on these worksheets.

VALERIE

Well hey, if you wanna keep wasting your time I won’t stop you. But- 

Valerie points to a vent in the corner of the classroom.

VALERIE (CONT’D)

I kinda need your help with something.

BEAT.

brian

… You want me to turn the AC on?

VALERIE

Dumbass, I want you to help me get in that vent.

BRIAN

Wh-what?! 

VALERIE

I’m gonna be honest with you dude, the school has so little faith that anyone will show up for detention that the janitor showed up and locked the door from the outside while you were sleeping, ‘cause he figured the detention room’d be empty.

BRIAN

Wh… WHAT?! You’re saying we’re _trapped_ here?!

VALERIE

Surprise!

BRIAN

B-But, wait, The teacher’s still here! 

PAN OVER: Brian points to a rock sitting on the podium.

BEAT.

VALERIE

… Dude, that’s just a rock.

BRIAN

Is it? Sorry this school is so whacked out I just figured… I might as well assume every fuckin' pot, pan and tea kettle is sentient.

VALERIE

That’s not a bad assumption, most of them are. (TURNING BACK TO BRIAN) Listen, I’m sure _someone’s_ gonna notice you’re in here if you wait for like four, maybe five hours. If you’re so dead set on doing these worksheets, you’ll have _plenty_ of time. Unless… you wanna help me out?

Brian looks back at the worksheets. This one has an essay question. 1000 words minimum.

BRIAN

(LOOKING BACK AT VALERIE) … What’s the plan?

Valerie smirks and pulls out a screwdriver from her jacket pocket.

CUT: Valerie on Brian’s shoulders, unscrewing the cover for the vent. She jumps off Brian and motions him to boost off her to get into the vent.

BRIAN 

You’re not going in first?

VALERIE

You’re dumber than you look if you think I’m gonna let you have your face anywhere near my ass for even a microsecond. 

BRIAN 

Good point. 

Brian boosts off Valerie and crawls into the vent. Valerie jumps up to the vent herself and closes the vent behind the both of them.

ACT TWO

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, POOL – MORNING

Miranda and Oz stand by the indoor pool in their gym clothes. Miranda is standing in a dramatic, melancholic pose. Oz is beside her, confused.

BEAT.

oz

Miranda, why’d you bring me here-

MIRANDA

(INTERRUPTING) SIGH! Woe is me! 

BEAT.

OZ

… Miranda-

MIRANDA

(INTERRUPTING) Oh, Oz! I didn’t see you there!

BEAT.

OZ

(DESPERATE) I’m in hell.

miranda

Not yet, peasant! Definitely someday, though, don’t dissuade yourself. (COMPOSING HERSELF) Oz, would you believe it? I had the most tragic injustice befall me a few days ago. I was _rejected_ from our school’s water polo team!

OZ

…

MIRANDA

Feel free to cry at any time, I understand this is profusely traumatic. (MELODRAMATIC) They claimed I was _mistaken_ about how polo is conducted underwater – excuse me, but I was _raised_ underwater!

OZ

Uh…

MIRANDA

How is one even _supposed_ to play water polo without a heavily armored seahorse as a mount? How, I ask you! Perhaps I offended them when I implied they were too impoverished to afford seasteeds. If so… why, I would love to make reparations! (RESUMING MELANCHOLIC POSE) But alas! It may be too soon for me to show my face… It is now clear to me; my kind is not welcome anywhere near the dread water polo club! Oh, to face such ruthless prejudice! (CHEERFUL) Which is why you’re here!

OZ

(SARCASTIC) Oh, great.

Miranda pulls an omelette on a silver platter from out of nowhere and hands it to Oz.

OZ

Wh-Where did you keep that--?

miranda

Your first job – there will be many jobs by the way – is to help me make ‘Pee-ah-say’ with the water polo team by gifting them this succulent omelette, as I am told that peasants consider eggs to be a delicacy!

BEAT.

OZ

Did you just try to say “peace”?

miranda

I categorically refuse to pronounce that word correctly.

OZ

Not surprising. Also-- 

REVERSE SHOT: Oz motions to a group of students which were out of the shot until just now.

OZ (cONT’D)

The water polo team’s _right there_! They’ve been here the whole time!

WATER POLO CAPTAIN

Yeah, I was waiting for you to acknowledge us…

OZ

I’m sorry guys – this is all really weird for me too…

WATER POLO CAPTAIN

No worries. That aside though, I feel it needs to be said that Miranda was lying… basically from the start? What actually happened was we would’ve been _glad_ to have her on the team. I mean, like she said, she was born underwater, she’d have made a great addition. 

MIRANDA

So you say now, deciever, but no sooner had I joined the team than I was banished!

WATER POLO CAPTAIN

Your fucking horse trampled TWO of our players, Miranda! 

OZ

(HORRIFIED) Oh, god.

WATER POLO CAPTAIN

Yeah, they’re both in the hospital.

WATER POLO TEAM MEMBER

(FROM THE BACK) One of them’s on life support.

water polo captain

(DISTRESSED) Oh my god, really? 

water polo team member

(FROM THE BACK) They just put Jenny on life support like… today.

WATER POLO CAPTAIN

(TROUBLED) No…! Ugh, I have to go talk to their families, are you guys busy after this?

miranda

What’s happening here, why aren’t we talking about me anymore? Oz give them the omelette so I can restore my reputation.

OZ

Miranda I’m not gonna give them this omelet, you put TWO people in the hospital!

MIRANDA

(COLD) Excuse me?

OZ

(FEARFUL) U-um—

MIRANDA

(WHISPERING, MENACING) Listen, peasant. I thought I made myself clear. You do what I say from now on or I’ll make your strange proclivities known to the entire student body, including these harlots in swimsuits you seem so keen on “empathizing” with. Now, do I have a deal, or should I start making calls?

Oz gulps hard and turns back to the water polo girls.

OZ

U-um… (TURNING TO WATER POLO TEAM) … D-do you guys uh… like eggs?

After a beat, we zoom in on the air vent in the corner of the pool.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, AIR VENT - CONTINUOUS

Inside, Brian and Valerie are still crawling.

BRIAN

Hey, how much farther do we have to go? We’ve been going straight for like… two, three hours?

VALERIE 

Don’t ask me, I’ve never done this, remember? We can’t be too far from an exit though, right?(SMELLING) Wait… Do you smell that?

BRIAN

(SMELLING) Ugh, what the fuck? It smells like shit in here!

VALERIE

Yeah, did you rip, my guy?

BRIAN

(OFFENDED) No I didn’t rip, the fuck? You would’ve heard me rip if I ripped.

VALERIE

Chill, man, I’m just messing with you. That’s chlorine.

BRIAN

That’s—(ALARMED) What do you mean “that’s chlorine”?!

Brian looks back at Valerie as best he can. Valerie’s put a gas mask on.

VALERIE

Our school has like, no idea how to sanitize pools so all the excess chlorine just winds up in the vents! What can I say? it’s a shithole. 

BRIAN

Why are you putting on a gas mask? Wait, give me one too!

VALERIE 

Sorry my dude. Only got one of these. (POINTING IN FRONT OF BRIAN) You should hold your breath right about now.

Brian looks in front of him. A blast of greenish gas is fast approaching.

BRIAN

Oh, for the love of-

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, OUTSIDE PGS’ OFFICE – LATE AFTERNOON

Oz and Miranda are hiding behind some walls, staking out PGS’ office. 

OZ

Um- Miranda-

MIRANDA

Yes, slave?

OZ

… What are we doing? 

MIRANDA 

Wonderful question! You see, as I’m sure you’re aware, my life is rife with great injustice and hardship. It’s what gives me my wisdom and grace.

OZ

Yes, I… definitely would use all those words to describe you.

miranda

Thank you! Let me then recount the latest in my list of struggles. Ahem. (DRAMATIC) You simply SHAN’T believe such cruelty could happen at our own school, but just today Mrs. The Lock Ness Monster told me that I shall be receiving a B+ in her class! A B+!

oz

(DRYLY) No way…

MIRANDA 

Yes, indeed way! And all because I seldom attended! Does she not understand the importance of my daily royal manicures?

OZ

(DRYLY) Wow…

MIRANDA

Such a horrid grade will surely cause Father to cease paying for my seahorse insurance as punishment, and then how shall suitors call upon me? How, I ask!

OZ

(DRYLY) You sure are asking…

MIRANDA

I’m sure you can agree this is a tragedy, and you and I, but mostly you, need to fix this.

OZ

Ok, and how exactly do you want me to do that? It’s not like I can just… (REALIZING) sneak into the principal’s office and change your grade. Are you serious?

MIRANDA

(CLAPPING) Bravo, slave! So perceptive! So? What’s your plan?

OZ

My plan?! I’m not doing this, we could get expelled—

Miranda looks down at Oz with cold, dead eyes as she puts up her phone. It’s set to Polly’s DMs. The video’s in the send box and Miranda’s finger is over the send button.

Oz sighs. 

CUT: Miranda knocks on Principal Giant Spider’s door.

PGS

(COMING OUT OF THE OFFICE) Ah yes, hello! What can I do for you—

REVERSE SHOT: Miranda standing in the doorway, bawling. 

PGS

(STUNNED, STAMMERING) U-um…!!

miranda

P-P-PRINCIPAL! EVERYTHING IS HORRIBLE! (EMBARASSED) This could be because I-I-I’m having my monthly mertrouble…

PGS

AAAH! AAAAAAAAAH!

PGS starts pelting Miranda with tissues while still yelling uncontrollably. After he runs out of tissues, he flees with breakneck speed out of the office, crashing into walls and such. 

MIRANDA

… Wow! That really worked, he’s out of the office!

oz

(PEEKING FROM BEHIND MIRANDA) Alright, let’s just get this over with.

INT. PRINCIPAL GIANT SPIDER’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS

Oz is on the computer clicking around. Miranda is behind him. 

The computer shows a password screen.

MIRANDA 

Oh, drat! A password.

Without missing a beat, Oz types in a password and gets in.

OZ

Oh, I did it.

MIRANDA (cONT’D)

(STUNNED) Y-you’re in! You’ve ‘hacked’ it!

OZ

Does it count as hacking if the password was “Sp1der”?

Oz logs into the program where the teachers keep their grades and scrolls past all the students to find Miranda’s file.

Before he reaches Miranda’s, however, Oz stops at his file. His grades are good but, not the best. His average is B. One of the teachers’ comments catches his eye:

“AN ATTENTIVE STUDENT. HOWEVER, OZ NEEDS TO SOCIALIZE WITH HIS PEERS MORE.” Other teachers have left similar comments.

Oz scowls and flips over to the next page to find Polly’s transcript. He changes one of her grades.

MIRANDA

… Oz.

OZ

What? You’re not going to complain, are you? I’m already breaking the rules, this shouldn’t matter…

MIRANDA

I'm just taken aback... I knew her approval meant a lot to you, but she hasn't even asked for this... Polly's attention truly does mean a lot to you, doesn't it?

Oz doesn’t answer. He just tabs over again to Miranda’s file and alters her grade.

OZ

(MUTTERING) There. Happy? 

MIRANDA

Oh, not quite. 

Miranda closes the grades program and opens the conveniently labeled “TOP SECRET SECURITY FOOTAGE” folder, before sliding a thumb drive into the computer. 

OZ

Wh-what are you doing?

MIRANDA

My apologies, I figured while we were here I might as well fill this thumb drive with top secret school security footage. No reason!

OZ

Right. Why not?

INT. PRINCIPAL GIANT SPIDER’S OFFICE, INSIDE VENTS - CONTINUOUS

Brian and Valerie are in the vents, still. They’ve stopped at a dead end, while Valerie tries to unscrew an inner gate which leads upwards. She’s struggling.

VALERIE

Fuck this thing!

BRIAN

You doin’ alright back there? 

VALERIE

What do you think, smartass? It’s not budging!

Brian looks at the struggling Valerie for a beat.

BRIAN

Hey, can you try something for me?

VALERIE

(DROPPING THE SCREWDRIVER) What?

Brian fishes in his jean pocket and pulls out a swiss army knife, before handing it to Valerie. It’s got basically any kind of tool you could need.

brian 

Try this.

VALERIE

Woah! I didn’t know you had one of these. What do you need _this_ for?

BRIAN

Hey, you never know when you’re gonna need to screw, stitch or stab something.

VALERIE

What was that last one?

BRIAN

Doesn’t matter – open that grate.

Valerie does just that. After taking the grate off, she looks up horrified.

VALERIE

(HORRIFIED) Shit…

BRIAN

What? What’s wrong?

VALERIE

Well the good news is I know where we are: we’re in PGS’ office.

brian

Wait, how do you know that?

VALERIE

Well that’s… the bad news.

REVERSE SHOT: The path forward is filled to the gills with webs and baby spiders.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, LIBRARY – NOON

WIDE SHOT: Oz is sitting at a table, studying. 

After a beat, he seems to lose his concentration and puts his face in his hands. After a tense moment, a shadowy, bulbous growth sprouts from Oz. It pries Oz’ hands from his face with its little arms.

OZ

Oh. It’s you again. 

The bulbous growth, ISOLOPHOBIA, crawls up on Oz’ left hand. It whispers to him.

OZ

You see everything I see, don’t you? Miranda’s making me do all this stuff and there’s no end in sight. 

ISOLOPHOBIA

[SPEAKING]

OZ

What do you mean “what’s the problem”? 

ISOLOPHOBIA

[SPEAKING]

OZ

… Excuse me? What part of this is “good for me”? It doesn’t _matter_ if this is the first time anyone’s… (SADDENED) Spoken to me this much in a while…

ISOLOPHOBIA

[SPEAKING]

OZ

… She and I aren’t friends. She calls me “slave”. 

Oz hunches over.

oZ (CONT’D)

But I guess it’s not much different with Polly, is it…

POLLY (O.S.)

Not much different with _who…?_

Oz’ heart sinks in his chest. He whips around to see Polly, standing beside him, smiling.

OZ

P-polly…?!

POLLY

Hey, boo! 

OZ

U-uhh--!

POLLY

(TEASING) Is “Uhh” how you greet people on planet Oz? Come on, man.

OZ

… H-hey Polly.

POLLY

That’s better. Wazzup?

OZ

W-… well, I—

POLLY

(INTERRUPTING) Cool! Cool, cool, listen: could I ask you for a big favor?

OZ

(DISSAPOINTED) Sure…

POLLY

Listen, Soz to spring this on you like, last last minute but I kindaaaaa have an essay due in like—

OZ

(SIGHING) Half an hour, right?

POLLY

Y-yeah—

Oz takes a finished and printed essay from under the book he was studying and hands it to Polly.

OZ

1000 words on the evolution and psychological effects of the music cue in modern jumpscares. Sources on the back page. Read it over if you want.

Oz turns back to his book.

BEAT.

POLLY

… Oz, you just _had_ this?

OZ

You asked me for it, didn’t you? 

pOLLY

I mean, _yeah_ but… how did you _know_ I had an assignment? Are you psychic or something? you know legally you have to tell me if you’re psychic.

OZ

Yeah… 

Oz glances to the side. There’s another essay on this same topic, for the same assignment with Oz’ name on it. Oz and Polly are in the same class.

OZ (cONT’D)

(SADDENED) … I’m psychic.

Cut to Miranda eavesdropping on this conversation, while hiding behind a bookshelf. She steels herself before sending Oz a text.

Oz receives that text and gets up, heading out of the library.

POLLY

Woah, Oz--!

Oz leaves without saying a word. Polly looks at Oz’ back exiting the library, and back down to the essay in her hands. She seems… conflicted.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL BATHROOMS – LATER

Oz is in a bathroom stall with a look of horror on his face.

REVERSE SHOT: A busted, cracked open toilet. In essence, a tunnel to the sewers.

CUT BACK to Oz, in horror still. 

OZ

You want me to do WHAT?!

miranda

(FRUSTRATED) How many times are you going to make me say it, ENTER the toilet!

oz

N-no! Why the hell do you want me to do this?!

MIRANDA

Sigh… Ahem. (DRAMATIC) Oh what a joyous day! My great aunt Sea Monster Unholy Terror McKrakenface-O’Cthulu has just received an award for her work with shipwrecks! Specifically, by being one of their leading causes.

OZ

Ok???

Miranda tries to push Oz into the toilet. Oz holds himself on the sides of the stall.

OZ

(RE: BEING PUSHED INTO THE TOILET) Hey! Cut that out!

MIRANDA

(STRAINING) I want to send her my congratulations…! But no one from the postal service… will go anywhere near her deadly lair…!

Miranda starts pushing harder.

MIRANDA (CONT’D)

IF ONLY SOMEONE… SPECIFICALLY THIS FIESTY SLAVE IN FRONT OF ME WOULD GO DOWN THROUGH THE SEWERS, TO THE OCEAN AND GIVE HER… MY… CONGRATULATIONS!

Miranda manages to trip Oz. She grabs his head and pushes it down to the toilet bowl. Oz holds himself back.

OZ

N-NO! MIRANDA, I’M NOT GOING DOWN A TOILET FOR YOU!

Miranda relents. Oz breathes out heavily. He turns back to Miranda to see her standing menacingly with the phone in her hand, and Polly’s DMs open.

OZ

No! No, please… 

Miranda cocks her head.

OZ (CONT’D)

Why are you doing this to me? What could you possibly want? (LOOKING DOWN) I don’t have anything. I don’t have any friends, I don’t have any goals… the only thing I have is this. All I have is that I get to live in my little world and draw the girl who has everything I wish I had. 

Miranda sighs.

MIRANDA

If so… Then why?

OZ

Huh?

Miranda crouches in front of Oz.

MIRANDA

Let me paint you a picture. Think back, four years ago. My parents just enrolled me into this school as a “liaison between their country and ours, so that we can promote peace between our people”. Of course, that’s the diplomatic way to say it. In truth, I’m meant to attend this school and excel at everything, cementing the superiority of the merkingdom.

Miranda flushes the toilet beside them. Oz furrows an eyebrow at this.

MIRANDA

And believe me, I did just that. I won prize after prize… I aced test after test… I glid through these halls like a goddess. Every competition this school ever held, I took first place. Time and time again. 

BEAT.

MIRANDA

(TENSE) That is… all but _one_.

Miranda flushes the toilet once again.

MIRANDA

The freshman art contest. I truly believed I’d clinched the victory. I spent thirty days perfecting my masterpiece, a painstakingly accurate, gorgeous portrait of my own sister.

Miranda flushes the toilet over and over. Since the toilet is broken, the flushing mechanism malfunctions. The toilet quickly starts flooding. Oz looks panicked, and turns back to Miranda…

MIRANDA

Then why…

Miranda returns a look of cold, murderous rage. It is the face of death.

MIRANDA

(VICIOUS) Why did my painting lose to some drawing of Spider-Man… drawn by an idiot named “Oz”? 

Miranda pushes Oz’ face in the toilet. Oz can’t stop himself in time and his face is dunked in the toilet water. Oz pushes himself out but struggles against Miranda’s surprising strength. Oz coughs and hacks.

MIRANDA

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?! CAN YOU FATHOM MY HUMILIATION?! TO LOSE TO A SPECK OF WORTHLESS DIRT LIKE YOU?! 

OZ

Ah… I’m sorr--!

MIRANDA

If you’re sorry then SWIM! 

Oz’ face is dunked inside once again.

MIRANDA

SWIM TO YOUR DEATH AND STOP RESISTING!

oz

S-STOP! STOP THIS—

MIRANDA

I can’t. Not until you’ve spent your whole life as my slave. You can’t understand how long it took for me to get here… How long I’d been praying for the chance to make you _pay._ This recording must be a gift from Poseidon himself… (CACKLING) It seems I’ll always win in the end!

Oz finally manages to free himself. He jumps away from Miranda, and stumbles to his feet, out of the stall. Oz’ breathing is frantic. He stares at the demented Miranda for a beat before snapping out of it and running away.

MIRANDA

What pointless resistance. 

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, BATHROOMS, VENTS – CONTINUOUS

Once again back in the vents, Brian and Valerie are crawling. To where? Who’s to say. Both look utterly terrible. They have bags under their eyes. They’re covered in webs and spider bites. Brian still has crust on him from the chlorine. They’re hungry. They’re thirsty.

BRIAN

… I’m gonna die in here aren’t I?

Valerie lets out a blood curdling scream.

VALERIE

WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THESE FUCKING VENTS?! (OUT OF BREATH, CRAZED) WE’VE BEEN IN THESE… ffFUCKING THINGS FOR TWO DAYS! 

brian

I’m going to die here. This is how it ends.

Brian collapses.

VALERIE

… Hey. Hey? Dude get up. 

Brian’s barely holding onto consciousness.

VALERIE

(RUSTLING BRIAN) Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me alone. (ON THE VERGE OF TEARS) Please. Please don’t go…! I don’t wanna die alone!

The sound of running water echoes through the vents. Valerie looks out in horror. From the other side of the vents, a cascade of sewer water from the flooded toilet rushes toward Brian and Valerie. Valerie lets out another crazed scream. The water crashes onto them and takes them away.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, HALLWAYS – CONTINUOUS

Oz is running from Miranda, who’s tailing him. He initially loses Miranda, but turns a corner into a wide open hallway only to find Miranda right in front of him.

OZ

AAAAAH!

MIRANDA

Tadaaa! Here I am! Body doubles are so convenient, aren’t they?

oz

Wh-what do you want?! Why are you doing this?!

MIRANDA 

Oh dear, you haven’t figured it out already? Use that big brain of yours for a second and think about what I made you do. 

MONTAGE OF THE EVENTS AS MIRANDA DESCRIBES THEM.

MIRANDA (V.O.)

(GETTING SERIOUS) First, I made you feed that omelette to the water polo team. Of course, it wasn’t any omelette – it was an omelette made from sea monster eggs! Fool that you are, you let me take a picture of them enjoying the dish… Second! I had you access Principal Giant Spider’s computer so I could steal the addresses of said water polo team! 

OZ

No…

MIRANDA

Oh yes! The final piece of the plan, of course, would’ve been to have you send the images and the addresses to the sea monster yourself… so the police would know for sure you went there. And! (MANIACALLY) so the ensuing carnage that that sea monster would bring upon the water polo team would be pinned ENTIRELY on you!

OZ

You were gonna frame me for murder?! Just because I won a stupid high school art competition?! 

miranda

That painting was of MY SISTER! It _deserved_ to win- _I_ DESERVED to win! Not a brittle, gutless whelp like you and your drawing of a BUG-PERSON! 

oz

All they gave me for winning was a Barnes & Noble gift card! it’s worthless!

MIRANDA

But my pride.

Miranda is deadly serious.

MIRANDA (cONT’D)

My pride is far from worthless. Every piece of my revenge was crucial, but this part was essential – I needed you to be my scapegoat. And my scapegoat you will be. One way—

Miranda puts up Oz’ notebook in one hand.

MIRANDA (CONT’D)

-Or another.

Miranda puts up her phone in the other hand. Oz steps backwards. Students all around him have formed a crowd.

MIRANDA (CONT’D)

So! Slave…

The crowd is gossiping among themselves, snickering and jeering at Oz.

MIRANDA (CONT’D)

Which will it be…? Would you rather live in shame? Or not live at all?

Oz clutches his head. The noise, people and tension are swirling around him. Visions of being spurned, mocked, feared and hated echo in his mind. He’s about to snap until…

POLLY (O.S.)

OZ!

It all clears.

OZ

(STUNNED) Huh…?

Behind Miranda, on the other side of the circle of students, stands Polly. 

POLLY

Oz… I finally found you.

OZ

(AMAZED) P-Polly…? 

POLLY

Listen… I don’t know if it’s the best time right now but… sorry.

OZ

For what?

POLLY

For… a lot of things. For taking advantage of you… for treating you badly… And for this.

Polly puts up both essays Oz wrote. The one for Polly and the one for himself. They both have A pluses.

POLLY (cONT’D)

(GUILTY) We’re in the same class… aren’t we?

OZ

(DEPRESSED) … Yeah.

Polly looks away, saddened.

POLLY

You know, if I passed last year’s finals… it was because of you. Because you spent so long… so many hours of your time explaining and re-explaining all the material… while asking for nothing. I don’t think I ever even thanked you. 

Oz stays quiet.

POLLY (CONT’D)

I think… I might’ve just realized that no one else ever believed in me like you did. You never let me cheat, not once! No one else ever thought I could stay at this school on my own merit, not even me. So… when I saw you wrote that essay without me even asking… I got sad. And I got mad at myself.

Polly throws the essay Oz wrote for her away.

POLLY

I don’t deserve this. I don't deserve the work you put in for me… but, I want to. Could you help me… write it again?

OZ

Yes… yes of course.

Polly gives Oz a genuine smile. 

polly

Thank you…!

Sunlight beams in. She looks angelic. Oz is mesmerized.

POLLY

Geez… what’s with me today, right? I’m getting so sappy. (RE: MOTIONING TO CROWD) By the by, what’s with the circle? Are you getting bullied or are you about to breakdance? (CROSSING FINGERS) Hoping for number 2!

OZ

(LAUGHING) No, I… I can’t dance, at all. 

POLLY

Aw what? Don’t say that, everybody can dance.

OZ

No way! I’ll get made fun of…

POLLY

I mean, maybe.

Polly gets closer.

POLLY

But since when does _that_ matter? Live more like me! I barely even know what _I_ think of myself, let alone care what others think of me. You can’t be scared of something just because you don’t think it’ll go well.

Something clicks in Oz.

OZ

You know what, Polly…

With renewed resolve he turns back to Miranda and walks up to her threateningly. 

OZ (CONT’D)

You’re right!

MIRANDA

(PUTTING UP PHONE) Don’t get any closer!

Oz swipes the notebook from Miranda’s hand.

MIRANDA

H-huh?

OZ

You kept me as your slave for these past couple days because of _this_. Because I was so… so scared of what people would think when they saw what was in here!

MIRANDA

Wait, Oz-

OZ

I almost let you frame me for murder because I was just THAT scared!

MIRANDA

You don’t know what you’re doing—

OZ

Shut it! You don’t have any more power over me! (TURNING BACK TO POLLY) And I don’t have anything else to lose. Polly… you were honest with me, so… I’m gonna be honest with you.

POLLY

Sick! Love that for us.

Miranda wants to protest again, but as she does, a nearby water fountain starts spewing water. 

MIRANDA

… Oz?

Oz ignores Miranda as he flips through the notebook.

POLLY

(MORBIDLY CURIOUS) Uh… Miri what’s he about to show me?

OZ

Oh, you’ve got _no_ idea!

miranda 

That’s not really important— Oz? I think…

Miranda looks above Oz. Water’s leaking from the ceiling. There’s a vent right above him.

MIRANDA (CONT’D)

Oz, you should move from there, I think!

POLLY

Ok, is this gonna be sexy or creepy?

OZ

(STILL FLIPPING THROUGH NOTEBOOK) Hold on, lemme find a reeeeal racy one for ya. 

POLLY

Oh, creepy then! Alright, lay it on me dude! 

Adjacent walls are cracking. Water’s spewing from the water fountain. There’s a low hum being heard, rising in volume.

Oz finds a drawing and is about to Present it to Polly!

oz

(PUTTING UP DRAWING) Get a load of—

And so, right at that moment, as though it was an act from Poseidon himself:

A deluge of toilet water cascades down onto Oz from the vent above him, carrying with it the unconscious bodies of Brian and Valerie, which tumble right in front of him.

As the water stops, Oz stands shocked and soaked from top to bottom. Every student in the hallway is just as, if not more shocked. Polly looks at this with sheer amazement. 

POLLY

That… was… FUCKING AWESOME! (CLAPPING) WOO!

As Polly cheers, Oz looks down at his feet where he sees his sketching notebook. It’s covered in toilet water and totally ripped apart by moisture. Even if it wasn’t, all the lead up and faded.

OZ

Yeah… awesome.

Students clear out of the hallway. Oz walks away sadly, carrying the clump of pulp that was formerly his notebook. Miranda’s long gone. Brian and Valerie groan as they get up. 

VALERIE

Ugh… shit, where are we? (REALIZING) Holy—holy shit, holy shit!

Valerie rustles Brian. Brian wakes up.

BRIAN

I’m up, I’m… (REALIZING) up.

Brian and Valerie look at each other with sheer euphoria.

BRIAN (cONT’D)

We’re out…!

VALERIE

We’re out!

Brian and Valerie jump up to their feet and start yelling and crying, chanting the same two words:

BRIAN & VALERIE

WE’RE OUT! WE’RE OUT! WE’RE OUT!

VALERIE

(VICTORIOUS) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--!!

ACT THREE

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CAFETERIA – NOON

Brian and Valerie are sitting side by side at a cafeteria table. Both have ice packs up to their heads, and both are being tended to, the former by Vicky and the latter by Vera. 

VERA

I cannot believe you, Val. You were gone for _days_! do you know how worried I was? If you had been gone for any longer, I’d have burned the school to the ground… or at least paid Damien to do it. Or rather, had Damien pay ME to give HIM the right to do it.

VICKY

Brian, never do this kind of thing again, ok? We were all so worried. What were you even doing in the vents?

Brian and Valerie don’t pay them any attention. They just laugh quietly.

BRIAN

Hey Valerie.

VALERIE

Wassup?

BRIAN

What class are you in?

valerie

Uh… yours?

brian

Wait, really?

VALERIE

Yeah, man. Coach’s class.

BRIAN

No shit!

VALERIE

Granted I haven’t shown up to class at _all_ up to now… that’s why I was in detention, actually…

BRIAN

Huh… small world.

VALERIE

Definitely.

BEAT.

VALERIE 

Let us never mention this again.

BRIAN 

Agreed, I would rather die than think about that living, breathing hell for even an instant.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH, HALLWAY NEAR POSTING BOARD – MEANWHILE

Oz is in front of a posting board, attaching a poster to it with some pushpins. He tries to hold the top straight, and push the pin in the board at once, but his lack of strength makes him drop a pin.

OZ

C-crap…!

The pushpin rolls away… or at least it would, were it not for Miranda picking it up. 

OZ

M-… Miranda…?

Miranda hands it back to Oz. She seems unusually quiet. 

OZ (cONT’D)

… what do you want…?

MIRANDA

I… talked to one of the art teachers. About the competition four years ago.

OZ

You did…?

MIRANDA

I had them show me all the submissions. My painting of my sister was still there… I think I was embarrassed to bring it back home after it lost. Just as I was thinking that though… that teacher told me why my painting lost.

OZ

Why’d it lose?

MIRANDA

…

Miranda sighs and looks away embarrassed. Oz pins the poster and turns to Miranda.

MIRANDA

Don’t laugh.

OZ

I won’t.

MIRANDA

… I drew my sister naked.

BEAT.

OZ

You did… wh-WHAT?!

miranda

All the greatest art is of naked figures! It wasn’t… meant to be _weird_ , it was artistic! 

OZ

(INCREDULOUS) Miranda… Why did you submit a nude painting, you get—

MIRANDA

Disqualified for nudity… I know… _now._

OZ

(FACEPALMING) Oh my god…

miranda

I think It must’ve slipped my mind when I read the rules… either that or my hubris made me believe they’d accept anything I submitted. In short…

Miranda bows slightly.

MIRANDA (cONT’D)

I owe you… a sincere apology.

Oz is taken aback.

OZ

(TOUCH) Miranda…

Miranda looks up at Oz, expectantly. Oz rolls his eyes.

OZ

(CONCEDING) I forgive you.

MIRANDA

(CLAPPING HANDS) I’ve been forgiven! Huzzah!!

OZ

(LAUGHING QUIETLY) You know… this might sound weird, but… thanks, Miranda.

MIRANDA

Hm? But why?

OZ

I was… having a hard time at school. I’ve always been shy, you see… I have a hard time making friends. I’m also kind of scary, or uh... _weird_ looking, as I’m sure you've noticed, and that never helped. Kids used to play a game called “Find Oz’ mouth”...

MIRANDA

Fascinating… and _did_ they ever find it?

BEAT.

miranda (cont’d)

… My apologies.

oz

I guess that’s the reason I clung unto Polly so much. I thought getting to talk to her _at all_ meant I was somehow… better than I was. I can’t deny that saying “Polly is my friend” gives me confidence. But she wasn’t _really_ my friend. And I wasn’t _really_ confident. Confidence doesn’t mean thinking you’re the greatest, it means doing the things you want to do without being scared of people telling you you can’t. More than that… it means wanting something so much that you’d… hold a grudge over it for four years and try to frame someone for murder over it. 

MIRANDA

Um… that doesn’t sound right…

OZ

Actually, yeah, you’re right it really doesn’t… Well the point is, seeing you and Polly motivated me to do what _I_ wanted to do.

Oz motions to his poster. It’s a sign-up sheet for an art club.

OZ (CONT’D)

I could never be honest with myself before but… part of why I liked drawing Polly is just that I liked _drawing_ , period. I know I’m in my senior year and it’s kinda late to start a club, but if I can make _real_ friends with this… if I can find a goal in life, then I have to do it. Right?

Miranda smiles, pensively.

MIRANDA 

You know… I’m not sure you took my comment seriously, but I truly did mean it. (CLARIFYING) What I said about your drawings. I saw the drawing of Spider-Man you submitted… it was tough to admit, but, it was incredible. The composition, the coloring, the sheer explosive energy… You’re a fabulous artist. I don’t know why you don’t focus more on that.

OZ

You… you think?

MIRANDA

Most certainly. If you wanted to, you could make a fantastic painter one day.

OZ

(TOUCHED) Thanks… that means a lot, Miranda. 

MIRANDA

Feel free to draw me as well, I formally give you the right. I love tributes to my beauty!

OZ

Uh… thanks?

Miranda fidgets a little.

MIRANDA

… Oz, do you have instagram?

OZ

I… don’t, I don’t have any social media.

MIRANDA

Hm. 

Miranda turns to the sign-up sheet for Oz’ club. 

MIRANDA

In that case…

Miranda signs her name on the sheet.

MIRANDA

This’ll have to do. Consider this a show of good faith. 

Oz gasps in excitement.

OZ

Miranda, thank you!! I’ve got a member! I can make this a real club now— Hold on I have to talk to the faculty! I’ll be right back!

Oz runs, jubilant.

Miranda looks at him go for a beat.

MIRANDA

Alright, he’s gone. You can come out now.

Out from the ghost zone, right beside Miranda, Polly materializes. She’s on her phone.

POLLY

Phew! Well that was long and not very rewarding. You didn’t even frame him for murder or anything.

MIRANDA

Please, Polly. Framing someone for murder is temporary. Having them in your lifelong debt is forever.

POLLY

That’s gotta be the most demented way to describe just, becoming friends with someone.

MIRANDA 

I could point a finger at your actions just as you could mine, Polly. That speech certainly came out of nowhere…

POLLY

Get off my back alright? Sure, it took one hundred and six times, but Vera finally made me feel bad. I couldn’t just keep taking advantage of that guy forever. I’m in my 20s… I think.

MIRANDA

… Is that all?

POLLY

Yeah? What do you mean?

MIRANDA

(SMIRKING) Your heart hasn’t been touched by his devotion at all? He helped you, he drew you… It’s pure! It’s romantic!

POLLY

It’s creepy, Miranda. No one ‘draws their crushes’, we don’t live in the fuckin’ renaissance.

MIRANDA

Alas…

Polly gets a notification on her phone. Reverse shot of her phone: she’s in a group chat called “BOSS ASS BITCHEZ”, which includes Miranda, Polly, Vera, Valerie and others. When she does, we can see Miranda sent the video of Oz’ confession to the chat. The girls laugh and joke about Oz’ straight forward feelings… or rather, most of the girls do. Polly hasn’t said anything about it.

MIRANDA (O.S.)

Well! I suppose we just have different definitions of romance, then. I for once support his love, even if it is one-sided.

polly 

Yeah…

Polly scrolls further up to reveal Miranda has also sent pictures of some of the drawings in Oz’ notebook to the chat, including the final drawing, the one Oz did the day Miranda caught him. Polly closes the group chat, revealing…

POLLY (CONT’D)

… One-sided.

… Polly has made that drawing her phone background.

She smiles subtly.

FADE OUT:

THE END


	3. Vicky and Amira Kill Eachother

FADE IN:

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CLASSROOM – MORNING

Vicky’s sitting at her desk. She has a notebook in front of her titled “SCOTT SEDUCTION IDEAS (IDEAS TO GET SCOTT TO FALL IN LOVE WITH ME)”. She flips through the pages. As she does, we see both the ridiculous number of ideas Vicky’s written down, but also how many of them are crossed out. How many of these has she done?

Vicky finally lands on a page which shows the first _not_ crossed-out idea: “IDEA 697: WEAR A COOL HAT”.

VICKY

(MUTTERING TO HERSELF) What? When did I write this…

Vicky looks in the corner. The author is credited as “MIDDLE SCHOOL VICKY!!”

vicky

(MUTTERING) Oh. (STEELING HERSELF) Oh, stop doubting yourself, Vicky! You know what they say! Six hundred and ninety-seventh time’s the charm!

Scott enters the classroom and walks by Vicky’s desk. Vicky quickly composes herself, and reaches in her backpack, pulling out a big fancy hat. She dons the hat and gets in a strange, sort of vaguely seductive pose? Who’s to say.

VICKY

… Hey Scott!

SCOTT

Oh! Hey Vicky.

Silence.

VICKY

(EXPECTANTLY)… so…

SCOTT

Hm?

VICKY

(HOPEFUL) Notice anything… (WINKING BADLY) _different_ about me?

Scott pauses for a beat. Vicky gulps, nervous. Scott narrows his eyes and gets close. Vicky’s practically drenched in sweat and blushing ear to ear.

SCOTT

Oh! Now I see it!

VICKY

(HOPEFUL) Y-you do--?

SCOTT

Your mascara on the left is like, way shorter than your right.

VICKY

It… (PULLING OUT MAKEUP MIRROR) Shoot, you’re right…

SCOTT

(INNOCENT) Yeah. It looks weird!

Polly calls out to Scott, and he trots over to his friends. Vicky starts trying to fix her mascara for a bit before turning back to the notebook and crossing out the hat idea with a sharpie. She looks defeated.

At that moment, Coach enters the classroom. Students take their seats. Vicky takes off her dumb hat.

coach

Hello students! Welcome, once again. As usual we have a packed schedule of extremely important knowledge that I need to impart upon you all since that is my job, I cannot stress enough. But first! I have a surprise.

The class bubbles with excitement.

miranda

Ooh, sir! Have you finally unbanned the use of test-taking serfs in your classroom??

DAMIEN

Did you replace all the chalk with knives?

VERA

(DRYLY) Have you moved from 1123 Plague Avenue?

COACH

What?! No! No to all of that- wait, how do you know my address?!

VERA

Surprise!

COACH

... Well thanks for telling me, because I'm _definitely_ going to move now. But that's neither here nor there! The surprise, guys, is that we have… wait for it… a transfer student!

Coach motions to the door, but nothing happens. Awkward pause.

COACH

That um… (CALLING TO OUTSIDE THE CLASSROOM) That was your cue, Amira—

Suddenly! The door fully disintegrates, catching fire and crumbling to ash in a microsecond. Beyond it, AMIRA RASHID (19) stands, self-satisfied, with the doorknob in her hand.

AMIRA

Hahaha… whoops.

As soon as the class sees her, they all go wild.

POLLY

Holy shit, Amira’s here!

DAMIEN

FUCK YEAH!

Vicky taps Damien’s shoulder.

VICKY

(WHISPERING) Hey, Damien? Who’s this girl?

DAMIEN

You don’t know?! She’s famous! She’s been here two weeks and somehow racked up more detentions than anyone in Spooky High history! And she’s really hot, which in and of itself is enough to make her popular – this _is_ a high school, after all.

VICKY

I… see?

DAMIEN

Also, your Mascara on the left is like, a millimeter or two shorter than your right. You oughta fix that.

Vicky whips out her makeup mirror again and sees that, if you look closely, Damien's right.

VICKY

(MUTTERING, AMAZED) You're right... H-How did you _see_ that...?!

Amira drops the doorknob from the door she annihilated and sashays over to the front of the class before taking a cigarette from her pocket.

COACH

Um-

Amira lights it (with her fire powers, obviously) and takes a drag right then and there.

AMIRA

(EXHALING SMOKE) Phew… Wassup? I see y’all know me already, that’s convenient.

The class whoops and cheers.

AMIRA

Yeah, so… as you can see, I’m in _this_ class now, left my old one ‘cause that shit was borin’ as hell. I’m tryina see people fightin’ in here at 8am and then those same people fuckin’ on a table by the time school’s out, you feel me?

POLLY

YAAAAAAAASS! EXACTLY!

AMIRA

Hell yeah! Ghost girl down there knows what I’m talkin’ about! But seriously, just don't be lame like my last class and Imma be satisfied. Like, for real, those people ain’t did nothin' but study and listen to Ms. The loch-Ness Monster go on and _on_ about her kids like I ever went to class wonderin’ what the fuck that old hag's kids got up to. Them little ass goblins was ugly as hell! Got that shit straight from their mommy, I swear to god…

COACH

Ahem?

Amira stops and turns to Coach, incredulous. Coach seems angry.

AMIRA

Did you just _ahem_ me?

COACH

Miss Rashid, you were transferred to this class to fix your _attitude_.

AMIRA

(UNIMPRESSED) Yeah, is that what they told you?

COACH

(STERN) They didn't even need to! In the first five minutes: Property damage, smoking indoors, swearing up a storm, insulting a teacher AND her children-- this is unacceptable! You’re not going to get your way here, you hear me? Now go and redo your entrance--

AMIRA

(INTERRUPTING) Bro, if you don’t shut up… What part of anything I just said and did makes you think Imma listen to you lecture me?

Amira drops her cigarette on the ground and doesn’t bother putting it out.

COACH

Pick that up.

AMIRA

Aight.

Amira takes another cigarette, lights it, and just drops it on the floor next to the other cigarette.

AMIRA

(COCKY) How’s that?

COACH

(FURIOUS) That’s enough! I’m putting my foot down right here, if you don’t start acting the way a girl your age _should_ , then--!

AMIRA

Then, what?

Amira snaps her fingers and uses her powers to make a loud firecracker-like bang resonate from her hands. The whole class jumps, but Coach is especially rattled, trembling and covering his ears with his hands.

AMIRA

Hahaha! Man, you are _such_ a bitch…

Amira walks over to the door frame and bends down to grab the doorknob she didn’t burn before.

COACH

Wh-what are you—

AMIRA

See… I came in here thinking we was finna be cool. But soon as I do this furry-ass teacher try to press me! Imma tell you right now, you start cussin’ at me again? And--

Without even breaking a sweat, Amira turns up the heat and totally melts the doorknob in her hand. The fire’s so bright, the whole class turns away, shielding themselves from the blisteringly hot flame erupting from Amira’s hand.

Eventually she ceases. All that’s left is a molten sludge, dripping off her hand and burning the floor as it collides with it. She gives Coach a menacing smirk, who, for his part, is trembling in a corner of the room just like everyone else.

AMIRA

Right that’s what I thought. Same goes for all of you if we cool then we cool. If you piss me off…

Amira motions to the melted doorknob in her hand. She chuckles.

AMIRA

(COCKY) Nice to meet y’all.

Amira drops the sludge next to what used to be the door and walks out of the classroom, etching scorch marks on the wall. 

BEAT.

For some reason, the entire class starts cheering again.

POLLY

Yeah!! Fuck that door!!

LIAM

Such a bold statement… She wasted two cigarettes just to make a point.

The class erupts in discussion about what just occurred. All the boys are arguing about who has ‘dibs’ on asking her out. In fact, a bunch of the girls are arguing too.

Vicky, stunned, turns to Scott beside her, and sees him staring at the scorch mark on the door dreamily. After a beat, she has an epiphany and looks down at her notebook. She flips to the last page. It reads:

“IDEA #799: FIND A SUPER COOL GIRL- “

Vicky flips the page.

“- AND BECOME HER FRIEND – “

“- SO, SHE CAN TEACH ME TO BE COOL – “

“- AND THEN SCOTT WILL LIKE ME!!! (THIS HAS TO WORK!)”

Vicky looks up, determined.

VICKY

Oh Amira, you’ve got no idea… You and I are gonna be BEST FRIENDS!

TITLE: “VICKY AND AMIRA KILL EACHOTHER”

THEME SONG

ACT ONE

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA – NOON

Vicky’s sitting at a cafeteria table, staring at Amira from a distance. After a moment, Brian takes a seat next to her.

BRIAN

Yo!

VICKY

(ABSENTMINDEDLY) Hey.

BRIAN

(FOLLOWING VICKY’S GAZE) Ah I see. Staring at Amira like everyone else, huh?

VICKY

Can you blame me? I mean, look at her! She’s super hot, she doesn’t take any shit, she’s got cool powers… Look!

Amira’s sitting at a cafeteria table and resting her legs on a student who’s on all fours in front of her. She’s not even eating, she’s just smoking.

VICKY

She’s smoking in here like its no big deal! She’s even using the _table_ as an ash tray!

Amira is indeed pouring cigarette ashes onto the table. And also the head of a passing student. The student thanks her.

VICKY

She’s so cool… Way cooler than me anyway, I’ve got like, one outfit. I bet she’s got like… at _least_ two.

BRIAN

Yep, she’s way cooler than you, that goes without saying.

VICKY

Wow Ok, first of all, I was sorta hoping you wouldn’t just agree with that right away and like, at least say, like, “Oh… you’re cool too Vicky” But like, I guess not? So, like, ok.

BRIAN

Jesus, you wanna say ‘like’ one more time?

VICKY

(ACCUSATORY) Sorry ok, I’m just stressed out on account of Amira being SO much cooler than me, apparently, _Brian._ (PROUD)But, I’m sure you’ll be glad to hear that I have a plan to remedy that!

BRIAN

Oh, really? You’ve got a plan, huh?

VICKY

I most certainly do. I am going to – wait for it – become friends with Amira!

BEAT.

BRIAN

… Is that it?

VICKY

That’s it.

BRIAN

Bad plan.

VICKY

What? Why?

BRIAN

Never gonna happen.

vicky

Ugh, Brian. Usually I appreciate your snark and pessimism, but I’m being serious about this!

BRIAN

Alright then, tell me why. Why do you wanna be friends with Amira?

VICKY

So I can absorb her coolness and use it to seduce Scott!

Vicky points finger guns at Brian.

BRIAN

So, you’re… going to trick Amira, someone with whom you have absolutely NOTHING in common, into a hollow, meaningless friendship JUST so you can date this school’s football quarterback?

VICKY

That’s the plan!

BRIAN

Vicky… This isn’t gonna work.

VICKY

Dude, name one reason why not.

BRIAN

Because you reek of duplicity and desperation and its super apparent from a mile away you don’t actually give a shit about Amira?

VICKY

Ok, first off, I don’t reek of _anything_ because I’m literally doused in perfume right now, so I know for SURE I don’t smell bad.

A student walks by Vicky and faints then and there from the smell of the 3 gallons of perfume Vicky has on her right now.

VICKY

Second, so what if I’m quote unquote “using Amira for my own personal gain”? I’m so cool! Anybody would kill to be friends with me, even the admittedly antisocial Amira. Watch, I’ll make a good impression.

BRIAN

(SARCASTIC) Right, because you’re known for being good at those.

vicky

Yes, thank you, I am VERY good at first impressions. I have a fool-proof plan – first, I’ll introduce myself, maybe say a quick little joke to let her know “Hey! I’m kinda like, super funny, y’know? And like, fun to be around”. Then, we start chatting, maybe I… say something kinda smart and conscious, so she’s like “Hey this girl’s super funny… but ALSO she’s got like, a really thought-provoking side” right? Finally, and this is the best part-

Vicky pulls out an envelope from her pocket.

VICKY

I’m gonna invite her to a party! At our house, obvz.

BRIAN

With an envelope? What are you, a duke?

VICKY

What? No, the envelope’s empty, see? It’s just like, symbolic. Anyway, we’re gonna be best friends, the plan literally couldn’t possibly fail.

BRIAN

(POINTING OVER AT AMIRA) Eh… I wouldn’t be so sure about that.

A cool-looking student in a backwards hat has approached Amira.

COOL STUDENT

Wassup, Amira? Say, I couldn’t help but notice how cool your haircut is… I guess it’s pretty _fire_.

Amira shoots the student a cold glare. The ‘cool’ student gulps hard.

‘COOL’ STUDENT

(STAMMERING) U-Um… say uh, how’s about that… how about that climate change, huh? We gotta stop doing that… stuff…

Amira narrows her eyes. Her glare has turned from cold to murderous. The uncool student is drenched in sweat.

UNCOOL STUDENT

… (PULLING OUT AN ENVELOPE) Wanna come to my party-

Amira swipes the envelope from the uncool student and burns it to ash in an instant. The uncool student takes the message and walks away in shame.

BEAT.

VICKY

… Ok, first of all, I wasn’t gonna say her hair was “fire”, that’s super lame.

BRIAN

Face it, Vicky, this isn’t gonna work.

VICKY

Ugh, you’re right… Now what do I do?! How do you make friends?!

Vicky pouts. Brian sighs.

BRIAN

Alright, I’m not… necessarily saying you and Amira _can’t_ be friends-

VICKY

(EXCITED) Really??

BRIAN

But I AM saying that you need to change your perspective on this. Don’t think about what she can do for you, think about what you can do for her.

vicky

What do you think I should do?

BRIAN

Listen, she’s new. She doesn’t know anybody… The best you could do for her is make her feel at home. You should be trying to meet her eye to eye! I mean, it worked for me, right?

VICKY

(GEARS TURNING) What worked for you…

Vicky looks off. She seems to have a realization.

CUT TO: Elsewhere in the cafeteria. Vera’s sitting at a table, eating a bloody steak and feeding her snakes liquid gold as usual. She takes a bite, then looks at the time on her expensive-looking watch. At that moment, though, a stressed-out looking student starts trying to sit at her table.

VERA

Woah, Woah HEY!

One of Vera’s snakes flies up to the student’s neck and poises itself to bite menacingly.

VERA

(THREATENING) Just what do you think you’re doing sitting here?

STRESSED-OUT STUDENT

S-sorry Vera, it’s just… (GULPING) Th-there aren’t any other seats open!

VERA

(FURIOUS) There— (POINTING TO AMIRA’S TABLE) There are half a dozen seats available at that table!

STRESSED-OUT STUDENT

(SHAKING) Y-y-yes but—

VERA

(INTERRUPTING) But what?!

S-O S

She’ll kill me if I sit there!

VERA

And you’re implying I won’t kill you if you sit _here_ either?

S-O S

(STAMMERING) W-well…

vera

(COMMANDING) Well?! Out with it!

S-O S

(BARELY AUDIBLE) I’m more scared of her than I am of you…

VERA

(OUTRAGED) WHAT?!

Vera’s snakes erupt in vicious hissing.

S-O S

Eep! 

The stressed-out student jumps and braces himself. However…

VERA

(CALMING DOWN) You’re not running away? What are you waiting for, go!

The stressed-out student DOES leave, but… it’s hardly a run. More like a downtrodden walk of shame. Vera sits back, deep in thought.

VERA

… Her, scarier than _me?_

LIAM

(O.S.) He’s right, you know.

A crowd of bats fly in from offscreen and coalesce into a chaotic cloud above one of the open seats at Vera’s table. Vera rolls her eyes. The bats merge and from the darkness appears LIAM DE LIONCOURT, with his phone in one hand and a thick umbrella in the other.

liam

And you know how big of a deal “agreeing” is for me, so that should mean a lot.

VERA

(UNIMPRESSED) Theatrical entrance as always, Liam. In the future, do you maybe think you could just _walk_ here like a normal person?

LIAM

That you imply I do ANYTHING like a normal person goes directly against all of my sensibilities, Vera.

VERA

Every time you coalesce your unruly bats just shit on everything they see. You got guano on my Louis Vuitton.

LIAM

Listen, I MET Louis Vuitton, and believe me, he likes it better this way. The man was into some weird shit…

VERA

Is that so? You can keep this one if it pleases you, I have 500 more.

Liam

The fact that you’ve got 500 is exactly why I don’t want it.

VERA

To each his own, I suppose.

Vera chucks the 4000-dollar bag in the trash. A group of girls immediately start fighting over it.

VERA

More importantly, back to the Amira situation.

LIAM

And how much scarier she is than you?

VERA

That’s just it: I’ve spent years of my life cultivating my image as _the_ most terrifying, dominant force at this school, and yet some girl in a tight dress is toppling that order in one day! Why do you think that is?

LIAM

Let’s start with how she actually _is_ dangerous as opposed to you.

VERA

(OFFENDED) Excuse me?

liam

You heard me.

VERA

(THREATENING) Liam, if you’re doubting my ability to kill, I could very well demonstrate it on you.

LIAM

With what? Your quote unquote “poisonous” snakes?

VERA

(IRRITATED) My poison can shut down a nervous system in under 30 seconds-

liam

Yes, or at least it used to.

VERA

 _Used_ to...?

LIAM

Vera, you’ve bitten everybody at this school so many times we’ve developed an immune system so strong it doesn’t just make YOUR poison useless – it also makes us immune to basically ANY poison!

Polly walks by, chugging a bottle of bleach.

POLLY

Yo, Liam! Wanna hit this?

LIAM

No thanks, I think you need it more than me.

POLLY

Aw, thanks Liam! Mommy needs her juice!

Polly walks away, still drinking bleach. Vera looks at this and it dawns on her that she’s effectively made the school a safer place.

LIAM

Contrast this with Amira… If it’s between an instant and agonizing death by flame and your ineffective poison that you, need I remind you, sell the _antidote_ to—

Liam puts up a bottle of purple liquid with a label that reads “Vera’s Poison Antidote”.

VERA

It’s a trick, Liam, that antidote is just heroin, bleach and MORE poison.

POLLY

(O.S.) Ohhh!

Polly loops back around and stops behind Vera, bleach still in hand.

POLLY

So THAT’S why I love drinking bleach now… Huh! The more you know.

Polly tries to drink more bleach but its empty.

POLLY

Aw…

VERA

Polly, what do you think? Is Amira more intimidating than me? Liam seems to think she’s superseding me because her powers are more horrific.

POLLY

I guess? But like, it’s not really a ‘fear’ thing, I think.

VERA

(INTERESTED) How do you figure?

POLLY

I mean, If she was just scary because she can burn stuff Damien would be like, WAY higher on the cool student list than he is.

VERA

That is true…

POLLY

I think it’s cause she’s new. No one knows anything about her so when she does anything it becomes a way bigger deal. Also, she’s like, super hot, so that helps. This _is_ a high school, after all. 

vera

Hm…

Vera takes in all this information. She turns back to Amira, and after a moment a smile creeps up on her face.

VERA

This could be good…

POLLY

Ooh! Do you have a plan? Are you gonna take her down?

LIAM

Here’s hoping there’s a battle between you two.

VERA

There’ll be no such thing. I’m a rung or two above petty squabbles.

LIAM

Then what are you going to do?

VERA

I’m going to do what any good CEO would do when they spot a newer, fresher product…

Vera’s smile turns wicked.

VERA

(OMINOUS) Make an acquisition.

BEAT.

POLLY

Wait are you gonna _buy_ Amira – isn’t that like, slavery?

LIAM

That’s a bad look Vera, I expected better from you.

VERA

N-no! I’m going to bring her into my fold so I can use her status to boost mine!

POLLY & LIAM

Ohhhh.

Vera shakes her head.

ACT TWO

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, LOCKERS – AFTERNOON

Amira is in front of her locker. She glances to the side and sees two preppy looking monsters walking down the hallway. As they approach her, Amira opens the locker to form a screen and subtly puts her hand back to reach in one of their pockets. The monsters pass by and don’t notice a thing. A beat after they leave, Amira pulls out what she took from them: one of the girls’ wallets. She opens it and clicks her tongue when she only finds 25 dollars inside.

AMIRA

(MUTTERING) If you broke then dress broke… got me takin’ risks for two Starbucks orders…

Amira throws the wallet in her locker and closes it. When she does, we can see Vicky’s right behind her. She puts a hand on Amira’s shoulder.

VICKY

(NERVOUS) H-hey ‘Mira!

Amira’s eyes widen a little, before spawning flames from her shoulder right under Vicky’s hand. Vicky jumps back and starts furiously trying to cool it down.

VICKY

(PAINED) O-ow! That hurts-!

AMIRA

Oh, does it? Thank god.

As Vicky tries to get up, Amira stomps her back down.

AMIRA

A little disappointing your hand’s still attached though… Oh well.

Amira spawns a hellish looking ball of flame in her right hand.

VICKY

(PANICKED) Wait! W-wait, please wait.

AMIRA

(INCREDULOUS) One reason I should?

Vicky looks around, before exhaling deep and steeling herself. She gets up…

VICKY

Amira—!!

She points heroically at Amira.

VICKY

(DRAMATIC) I challenge you to a duel!

As she says this, a crowd of students suddenly appears beside them. The crowd buzzes with excitement at the bold proclamation.

VICKY

(LOOKING AROUND, MUTTERING) Why are there so many random crowds at this school… is everybody bored or—

Amira smacks a hand down on Vicky’s shoulder, startling her. 

VICKY

Eek!

AMIRA

Alright…

Amira, who’s been pensive until now looks up. There’s a wide, mischievous smile on her face. You can tell in her eyes that she’s legitimately into it.

AMIRA

A duel… _you_ wanna fight _me?_

VICKY

Uh… s-sure? Wait, what—

AMIRA

(INTERRUPTING) You said it, you can’t take it back! (EXCITED) Oh man… alright, alright, alright- who what when where, tell me, C’mon.

vicky

(CONFUSED, STAMMERING) U-uh—

VERA

(O.S.) A duel, huh…

Vicky and Amira turn to Vera who has stepped forward from the crowd, which reacts at her sudden appearance.

VERA

I think I can facilitate something here. Let me get the gist of things, you two want to compete?

AMIRA

Nah nah, _she_ wants to "compete". _I_ wanna beat her ass and win. (TO VICKY) Different goals.

The crowd audibly reacts at Amira’s bravado.

VICKY

W-well who’s to say how this turns out? Just because I look, act, think and feel like a pushover doesn’t mean I _am_ one! (TO CROWD) Right?!

BEAT. Silence.

VICKY

… Yeah I would’ve done the same…

VERA

… Right moving on. Luckily for the both of you, in just under 15 minutes all of us in class are about to have phys ed. I’m sure you know what that means…

A member of the crowd throws her a dodgeball, which she catches.

VERA

(DRAMATICALLY) _Dodgeball._

The crowd stirs with excitement. 

VERA

By the way, who threw this ball at me? I didn’t plan that. Anyone? 

Amira is deep in thought.

AMIRA

(THINKING) Hmmmmm…

While Amira’s thinking, she notices the watch on Vera’s wrist. It looks... expensive. The gold shines in the sunlight.

VICKY

… Amira—

AMIRA

(INTERRUPTING, THINKING LOUDER) HMMMMMMMMM-Fine, that’s ok.

VICKY

(HOPEFUL) You’re ok with that?

AMIRA

Well I was hoping for a game where one of us might die but… Fine, I’ll settle for a game where one of us might get severely injured.

VICKY

Well we’ll see which one of us that ends up being.

The crowd reacts at Vicky’s remark. Vicky seems weirdly proud of herself. She smirks at Amira, who returns it.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, GYM – LATER

Cut to Amira and Vicky standing side by side in their Gym clothes, arms folded. They’re both determined. Coach gets in front of them and addresses the class.

COACH

Alright, kids! I hope you’re all ready for dodgeball!

Reverse shot of the class, or more specifically, only its the female students.

COACH

As per request by the team leaders, we’ll be playing with harsher rules: if you get hit by the ball that’s it! No coming back, even if someone catches a ball!

AMIRA

Dodgeball should’ve been like _this_ from the start.

VICKY

Agreed.

coach

This is why, of course, I separated the class by gender. If a guy got on one side, that side would just win by default.

BEAT.

AMIRA

Aight, I feel like he didn’t need to say that.

VICKY

Agreed.

COACH

Let’s pick teams! Everyone ready?

The class eeks out a tepid “Yaaaayyy…”.

COACH

Grrrrrrrreat! Here are the leaders! Leader of the blue team--!

A close up of Vicky, wearing a determined expression.

COACH

Vicky! Leader of the red team--!

A close up of Amira, with an even fiercer expression… before the camera pans over to the side slightly to reveal Vera standing beside her.

COACH

Vera!

BEAT.

Coach turns around.

COACH

Amira, go sit down.

AMIRA

(EXASPEATED) Are you fuckin’ kidding me, man? We had a thing! We were doin’ a thing!

COACH

(STERN) Sit down. We’re about to pick teams. Red team goes first.

Vera nods and Amira groans.

Wide shot of Amira going over to the students on the other side and sitting down.

Vera raises her hand. Coach motions to her.

VERA

I pick Amira.

Wide shot of Amira getting back up and going over to Vera again.

AMIRA

Ha-HA!

She folds her arms again and resumes her expression from before.

VICKY

Wait, Vera, you’re not picking Miranda?

MIRANDA

(O.S.) Yes, VERA, you aren’t picking _me?!_

VICKY

Vera, you _know_ Miranda lobbied the school so that she’ll always be picked first in Gym class! She’ll invade your homeland if you don’t!

VERA

Of course, I know that. However, this fight is between you and Amira – picking her was par for the course. Therefore, I argue that this pick doesn’t _count_ as a pick, since no decision making had to be done. I didn’t have to consider Amira against any options, since, once again, this was a formality. In short, Miranda can still be the first “pick”. Amira can be… the “0th”.

BEAT.

VERA

Now, please cooperate, Vicky.

VICKY

(MUTTERING) You and your “0th”… (SIGHING) Fine… I pick Miranda.

MIRANDA

(O.S.) Huzzah!

Miranda hops over to Vicky’s side.

Vera puts her hands on Amira’s shoulders.

VERA

Alright, then, _co-leader._ Who do you suggest we pick?

AMIRA

(SMUG) Co-leader, huh? I like that! Let’s see…

While Vera’s positioned where she is, she notices the tag on Amira’s gym shirt. Someone else's name is written on it. We see her piece some things together. 

AMIRA

Man, _all_ these girls suck… I mean, look at these hoes!

Vera does, in fact, “look at these hoes”.

VERA

True… the talent pool on display here is pretty pathetic.

AMIRA

What kinda team are we supposed to build with _these_ chicks? (POINTING TO STUDENTS) No, No, No…

Amira notices Hope.

AMIRA

Uhhhh, what? Who let a middle schooler in here? this _child_ done snuck in.

HOPE

What did you just say?!

AMIRA

What’s your name, lil’ girl?

HOPE

(IRRITATED) … Hope.

AMIRA

 _Hope??_ Bitch, you better _HOPE_ someone pick you on their team, short-ass.

The class chuckles at Amira’s remark. Hope scowls in embarrassment.

AMIRA

Nah, I want the tall one next to you.

Amira points to Faith. She pushes up her glasses.

AMIRA

What’s your name?

FAITH

Faith.

AMIRA

Yeaaahh, we're gettin’ this one. Come on, baby girl, get on the winnin’ team!

Faith gets up and apologizes to Hope before walking over to Amira’s side. Amira gives her a high five.

VICKY

Alright then… I’m picking—

As Vicky speaks, she notices Hope eyeing her down. Vicky tries to look at her other options but Hope’s fierce “Pick Me” energy is too strong. Vicky sighs and resigns herself.

VICKY

… I pick Hope.

HOPE

YES!

Hope gets up and runs over to Vicky’s side, while sticking her tongue out at Amira.

AMIRA

Yo, you sure about that Vicky? You know you don’t get an extra pick to compensate for the half a person that edgy Christmas elf is lacking, right?

HOPE

Shut up! You’re _barely_ taller than I am!

AMIRA

And you got the physique of a 14-year-old _boy_ , so shut the fuck up. You're built like a pencil.

HOPE

WH-!?

FAITH

More like a thin matchbox…

HOPE

(EMBARSSED, FURIOUS) F-FAITH!!

AMIRA

Haha! Yo, Vicky's cheating by having a boy on her team, someone call the tiger!

Hope can’t even say anything. She’s just fuming silently. Miranda pats her back a little.

MIRANDA

There, there…

Hope groans.

VERA

Alright, it’s our turn again… what do you think, I’ve half a mind to just hire some hitmen to fill our ranks, if we’re all in agreement.

FAITH

Cheating? I can’t condone that.

VERA

But you _can_ condone ridiculing your comrade?

FAITH

She stole my pudding this morning. My name was on it.

VERA

We’ll grind her to paste.

FAITH

Good.

AMIRA

Y’all, I just had a fuckin’… Brain blast right now. 500 IQ play incoming, get ready for this one: we’re pickin’ the ghost girl next.

VERA

Polly?

FAITH

Polina? Why?

AMIRA

Nah, nah listen: The rules ARE, if we all get eliminated… then we lose.

VERA

… Yes?

AMIRA

Ok, and to get eliminated, you have to get hit… by the ball!

VERA

(REALIZING) You can’t be serious…

AMIRA

Y’all this will work! She’s literally a ghost, the ball's gonna go through her! She _is_ the cheat code! She could just _stand_ there and we win, easy!

VERA

Well it’s not the _dumbest_ thing I’ve heard all day… Fine, let’s try it. We don’t exactly have any other options, strategically speaking.

FAITH

What about Valerie?

VERA

What _about_ Valerie? She’d rather I not even pick her, she hates Gym class.

AMIRA

Who’s Valerie?

VERA

My sister.

AMIRA

 _Sister…?_ (LOOKING OVER STUDENTS) I don’t see no other snake ladies over there…

FAITH

She’s the cat.

AMIRA

The--?!

Amira spots Valerie, who’s lounging on the ground, texting.

BEAT.

Amira turns back to Vera, bewildered.

VERA

(IRRITATED) We’re _step_ siblings.

AMIRA

Ohhhh…

VERA

(TO COACH) We’re picking Polly.

Polly’s passed out on the ground. Joy rustles her awake and explains to her she’s been chosen. Polly seems the most confused out of anyone and stumbles over to Amira’s side.

POLLY

Uh, hey girls?

AMIRA

Wassup, MVP?

polly

Uhhhh…

FAITH

You’re really banking on this, aren’t you?

AMIRA

This’ll work, watch.

Over on Vicky’s side they’ve been strategizing this whole time.

VICKY

Alright. (TO COACH) We’re picking Joy.

Joy gets up and joins Vicky’s side.

JOY

(TO HOPE) Sorry about that stuff earlier, Hope.

HOPE

Don’t bring it up again. All we have to do is win… (BITING FINGERNAIL) Then Amira’ll see…

VICKY

(TO JOY) Is she gonna be ok?

JOY

She’ll be fine. She usually takes this aggression out on Big Bads so it’s to our benefit, actually.

VICKY

I see… Big Bads huh? How’s that going?

JOY

It’s… well, we’re doing our best.

VICKY

Great! Great…

Vicky smiles at Joy. Joy initially returns the smile, but the strange sincerity in Vicky's expression prompts Joy to furrow her brow. Vicky looks at her feet and smiles sadly.

VICKY

(ALMOST WHISPERING) … That’s great. Stay safe, ok?

Joy seems a little confused, but ultimately brushes it off.

Meanwhile, Amira’s picked Valerie. Valerie walks over to the red team and says hi to everybody.

POLLY

Hey, boo!

VALERIE

Yeah, hi. Hey, do you guys mind if I just eliminate myself right off the bat? I’m kinda working on something really important right now.

VERA

Ohhh, you mean _that,_ don’t you?

VALERIE

Yeah, I don’t really have the time to throw balls at people right now. (SARCASTIC) Lord knows I’m all about that, usually…

polly

Lord knows I’m all about balls being thrown at _me…_

VERA, FAITH AND VALERIE

(SIMULTANEOUS) We know.

POLLY

It’s still true.

AMIRA

So… what, is the team done? It’s only one student left.

VERA

And what a student it is… my apologies Valerie, but I think you’ll agree that we couldn’t let our team composition be infected by _that_ thing.

Valerie looks over to the only student left to be picked, a fluffy anthropomorphic sheep wearing glasses.

VALERIE

Oh, I see. In that case yeah, if it’s me or Jeannette then pick me. I’m not gonna do anything but even _that’s_ better than having _Jeannette_ on your team…

Meanwhile on Vicky’s side, Joy pinches the bridge of her nose while the rest of the girls stand surrounding Jeannette, the fluffy anthropomorphic sheep from before.

JOY

So… let me get this straight. You’re telling me you’re both nearsighted AND farsighted?

Jeannette nods. She shows the group her glasses: they're a strange contraption that somehow has two lenses inside each lens to accommodate her sightedness – or rather, what little sightedness she has.

JOY

Not only that, you suffer from, and tell me if I forget one: slippery hooves disease, ball blindness, sloth’s leg syndrome and a phobia of playing dodgeball for any reason and at any occasion, of which you are the first and only documented case.

Jeannette nods again.

JOY

Well that’s just great, isn’t it?

vicky

Hey, lay off Jeannette! Just because she seems engineered to be the worst a dodgeball doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve to have fun!

Jeannette bleats.

VICKY

(TO JEANNETTE) Jeannette, don’t worry so much. You can be on this team, it’s ok! Just do your best, and we’ll be just fine.

MIRANDA

How are you two doing that? This goat person hasn’t said a word and yet you've understood everything.

VICKY

We took picking up on people’s vibes 101 as our electives last year.

HOPE

If 101 was _that_ effective, what do they teach you in 201? Mind reading? Mind _control?_

MIRANDA

They offer mind control classes here?! Why didn’t anybody tell me, I _love_ making people do my bidding!

JOY

That’s exactly the reason no one told you.

MIRANDA

Hmpf!

Coach blows his whistle to get everyone’s attention. The girls turn to him. He throws two dodgeballs to each side. On the red side, Amira grabs a ball and Faith grabs the other. On the blue side, Vicky grabs one of the balls and Joy was supposed to grab the other one, but Hope rips it out of her hands.

COACH

Alright girls! Match is starting in… 10 seconds! 10! 9! 8!...

As Coach counts down the players, Vicky notices Jeannette beside her, shaking.

VICKY

Hey. Don’t be scared, alright Jeannette?

Jeannette gulps.

VICKY

Just do your best, alright? And trust me! You know, I’m pretty good at dodgeball.

Jeannette nods shyly, feeling a little better.

VICKY

(SMILING) It’s just a game. The most important part is to have fun!

coach

GO!

Vicky turns toward the opposing team just in time to see—

HOPE

(TRYING TO THROW BALL) TAKE THI—!!

Hope getting hit by Amira’s ball.

No, that doesn’t do it service: Amira launches a ball of godlike speed, strength, and destructive power. It completely demolishes Hope, blasting her all the way to the back wall of the gym and breaking said wall with a massive crash.

A dust cloud billows from the busted wall, where Hope lies knocked out – both of the game and in general. Vicky and Joy stare at this wide-eyed. They then turn to Amira, whose arm is sizzling. Everyone on Amira’s team is just as shocked as the blue team is.

BEAT.

Coach blows his whistle.

COACH

Hope is out!

JOY

OBVIOUSLY! Jesus Christ, what the hell was that, Amira?! This is a game, are you trying to kill her?!

AMIRA

Damn, I missed.

JOY

YOU, WHAT?!

AMIRA

I was tryina hit the sedentary one over there.

Amira points to Miranda who – against all odds and logic – has somehow manifested a full beach chair and is currently lounging on it, while holding a mai-tai with a little umbrella and playing a 10-hour tropical music playlist on her phone. She’s also wearing sunglasses and a flower neck garland. Fully relaxed.

Miranda raises her drink to the girls, or rather, to Vera on the opposite side of the court, who has – against all odds and logic – manifested a lawn chair and a martini to lounge on as well. She’s got the same sunglasses. She raises her drink to Miranda in return.

JOY

(DISTRESSED) Oh my god, Faith are you seeing this?!

FAITH

(DISSATISFIED) Hmmm… Sure I do. How disappointing…

Another ball rolls by Hope, who’s still knocked out on the rubble.

FAITH

I was aiming for Hope too. (TO AMIRA) I was aiming for Hope, you should control your aim.

AMIRA

(INCREDULOUS) Girl, did you not see how hard I threw that shit? I might’ve broke your homegirl’s bones right there. You don’t give _no_ fucks about that?

FAITH

(IRRITATED) The pudding _said_ Faith. It said “FAITH” on the side. It LITERALLY had my name on it. Let me get my revenge, I’ll heal her up later.

AMIRA

(MUTTERING) God damn. Cold-Blooded.

Joy walks over to Hope and slings her over her shoulder before walking toward the door.

VICKY

Wh-?! Wait! Where are you going?!

JOY

To the nurse’s office.

VICKY

But--!

Joy shoots Vicky a glare.

VICKY

Uh, nevermind. Actually, wow what the hell was wrong with me just there? Obviously go to the nurse’s office, this game doesn’t matter at all. Go ahead.

joy

Thank you. Faith!

FAITH

Ugh. Fine.

Faith walks off the court follows Joy. Joy hits Faith on arm on the way out.

JOY

(IN HALLWAY) It’s just pudding!

FAITH

(IN HALLWAY) My name was _on_ it…!

Joy and Faith leave the Gym with Hope. Coach blows his whistle.

COACH

Joy is out! Faith is out!

AMIRA

(TEASING) Haha! Yo, dead chick! You just lost _two_ teammates in one play! Regret this yet?!

vicky

First off, rude, I have a name-- SECOND, you lost someone too!

AMIRA

Yeah, but at least my team’s competent, half of yours don’t even got _thumbs_ to grab balls with!

Jeannette looks down, depressed.

VICKY

 _Your_ team’s not any better- Your teammate’s been trying to eliminate herself this whole time!

AMIRA

Wha…?

Amira turns to Valerie, who has taken a ball that rolled her way and is repeatedly throwing it at herself.

VALERIE

(TO COACH) How about now, am I eliminated?

COACH

No.

Valerie throws the ball at herself again.

VALERIE

Ok, how about _now?_

COACH

Valerie, you only get eliminated if someone else throws the ball at you.

VALERIE

Ughhhhhhhh.

Amira turns back to Vicky.

AMIRA

Nah, see, we didn’t even wanna pick her though. She don’t wanna be here, she don’t count. She's not even on the team, if you think about it.

VICKY

Right, very cool of you.

AMIRA

Man, shut up! Your team sucks way harder than mine, Sheep girl's got lenses thicker than the Hubble telescope, pink fish chick think she in Bora Bora, while _I—_

Amira turns to Polly, who’s doing whippits off to the side.

POLLY

Whuh?

AMIRA

I got the motherfuckin’ CHEAT CODE! Just _TRY_ to eliminate ghostie, you CANNOT! She is UNSTOPPABLE! I dare you, I double fuckin’ dog dare you to, I TRIPLE DOG DARE—

Vicky silently throws a ball at Polly. It hits her.

POLLY

Ow!

Coach blows his whistle.

COACH

Polly is out!

BEAT.

Amira loses her shit.

AMIRA

YO! WHAT THE FUCK!

POLLY

Whaa…?

AMIRA

ARE YOUKIDDING ME BRO????? YOU WERE THE CHEAT CODE!! YOU’RE A FUCKIN’ GHOST, BITCH, WHY DID THAT SHIT HIT YOU??????

Amira falls to her knees and starts hitting the ground with her fist.

AMIRA

DAMNIT! FUCK!

POLLY

(CONFUSED, LAUGHING) Uh… S-sorry…?

AMIRA

I BELIEVED IN YOU!!!

Meanwhile, Vicky’s crouched next to Jeannette.

VICKY

Ok, Jeannette, you can do it. Just… grab the ball.

Vicky gives Jeannette the ball. Jeannette tries her best to hold it. She cannot. The ball just slowly slides between her stubby hooves and falls to the ground.

VICKY

Alright, let’s try again.

VALERIE

(O.S.) Hey! Vicky!

Vicky turns to Valerie.

VALERIE

Big favor to ask: could you eliminate me? I’m kinda busy today I don’t wanna bother with this dumb dodgeball game.

VICKY

Uh… are you sure you should be saying that? Amira might be pissed at you.

VALERIE

Amira? Nah, she’s preoccupied.

Pan over to Amira, who’s still blowing up at Polly.

AMIRA

Are you a ghost or not?!

POLLY

Yes—

AMIRA

Does shit pass through you?!

POLLY

Sometimes, but—

AMIRA

EXPLAIN WHAT “SOMETIMES” MEANS! WHAT DOES THAT _MEAN!?_

Pan back to Valerie.

VALERIE

See? Come on, just throw the ball at me.

VICKY

Well, this is a good chance. Jeannette! Try throwing the ball at Valerie!

Jeannette _barely_ manages to hold onto the dodgeball. She pulls back her stubby, stout arm and throws the ball!

It lands barely 3 inches from her feet.

BEAT.

VICKY

Alright, good try!

VALERIE

I’m begging you. Eliminate me.

VICKY

In a second, I want Jeannette to do it. It’ll help her build confidence.

Valerie sighs.

Polly walks off the court and does more whippits. Amira breathes in.

AMIRA

Ok… it’s fine, I don’t need teammates to win… I can just kick all their asses myself!

VERA

Knock yourself out.

AMIRA

Yeah, I will! I’ll knock my damn self the fuck out!

VERA

Hm? I wasn’t talking to you.

Vera turns to Valerie, who’s beside her.

VERA

Knock yourself out. You’ve got a ball don’t you? Throw it at yourself.

VALERIE

I _tried_ , Coach says it doesn’t count! And Vicky keeps trying to make that blind sheep throw it at me, Could you please eliminate me Vera?

Vera sighs.

VERA

 _Fine…_ You know I can’t say no to you when you say please.

Vera very lightly touches Valerie with the ball. Both girls turn to coach.

COACH

… Nope!

VALERIE

COME ON! (TO AMIRA) Hey, Amira, could you help me—

Valerie’s query is interrupted by Amira throwing the ball at Vicky.

valerie

Woah.

Unbeknownst to everyone, Amira and Vicky have entered into an actual, legitimate, very intense game of Volleyball.

Amira’s throws are ferocious, and shave off pieces of the ground wherever they land, but Vicky’s surprising agility makes her adept at dodging all of her strikes. Vicky flips, jumps and dives to escape Amira’s relentless assault, and whenever she isn’t, she takes whatever time she has to throw return shots at Amira. That said, Amira’s no slouch either! Amira’s eyesight is quite good, so although her dodges aren’t flashy like Vicky’s, she’s extremely precise in moving exactly how she needs to to avoid the shot and stay in position to counter. Both competitors stay at this standstill for a while.

VALERIE

… I think I’ll just sit this one out for now.

Valerie whistles, nervous, and sits in the back of the court.

Eventually, Vicky messes up. She tries to somersault, but trips over her feet.

VICKY

C-crap!

Amira smirks and throws a ball at Vicky.

Jeannette sweats, terrified. Vicky’s about to be hit! In a moment of desperation… she dives to save Vicky.

JEANNETTE

(BLEATING) BAAAAAA!!

In slow motion, we see the ball heading for Vicky – which, for the record, only looks as though it’ll hit Vicky if you have ball blindness like Jeannette. In reality, it’s highly likely that Vicky would’ve bent over in time to dodge the ball. But I digress— Jeannette dives in front of the ball with all the courage she could muster in her rotund body and gets utterly wrecked by it. Like, it’s kind of depressing how much damage this one dodgeball does to Jeannette. If Jeannette had any bones, they’re definitely all broken now. Jeannette is that weak.

Vicky dives like she was going to anyway without Jeannette’s interference just in time to see—

JEANNETTE

(FALLING TO GROUND) BLEGH--!

\--Jeannette’s body fall limply to the ground with a thud. Vicky freezes. For a moment she can do nothing but stare at the – and I cannot stress this enough – excessive limpness of Jeannette’s prone body, racked and holistically broken by the impact of one ball.

Vicky’s face twists in grief.

VICKY

(SOBBING) JEANNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTE!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

ACT THREE

INT. SPOOKY HIGH, GYM – CONTINUOUS

Vicky runs over to Jeannette and crouches next to her, cradling her in her arms. As Vicky picks up Jeannette, we hear an audible crack from the myriad bones Jeannette just broke at being picked up lightly.

VICKY

(GRIEVING) Jeannette… no…!

Jeannette puts up a trembling hoof and bleats lightly.

Vicky nods and sniffs a little.

VICKY

(CRYING) Yes. You were useful, Jeannette. You saved me! Thank you… thank you…!

Jeannette smiles slightly.

Miranda, who’s lounging right next to them, pushes down her sunglasses and furrows her brow.

miranda

Wait, really? It’s obvious you were going to dodge that throw, it looked as though you were in no danger at all.

BEAT.

Vicky throws a dodgeball at Miranda.

MIRANDA

Ouch!

COACH

Miranda is out!

Miranda pouts and packs up her stuff before leaving.

Vicky turns back to Jeannette and goes back to crying. She grabs Jeannette’s hoof— she hears another crack as she does.

VICKY

(MUTTERING) You have bones in _here_ too? Dang…

Jeannette squeaks out a soft bleat.

VICKY

(CRYING) Yes! I do remember when I picked you for my team! That was—

Vicky looks at the clock.

VICKY

An _hour_ ago? Double dang… 

Jeannette bleats again.

VICKY

(CRYING) That made you happy…? Because you never got picked for any teams? And in fact the whole reason you were part of this game even though you’re not in our class is because teams refused to pick you with such ferocity that you stayed overnight in the gym and woke up as this game started?

Jeannette bleats. Vicky nods, anguished. Jeannette’s eyes start to close. Her consciousness begins to fade. Vicky tries to hold back her tears. Eventually, Jeannette’s eyes close and she goes limp(er than she was). She’s gone.

Also, we hear another crack when Jeannette closes her eyelids.

Vicky weeps softly.

BEAT.

AMIRA

… Did that bitch just die?

VERA

Yes.

Vicky places her body on the ground solemnly and looks to the sky, silent. She breathes in deep… and turns to Amira.

Her eyes are unflinching, serious. There’s a palpable power behind her glare. Vicky grabs one of the balls and gets in position. As she does, blue sparks fly off her body. She’s charging up.

AMIRA

oooOOOOOOOOOOH SHIT!! YOU'RE GETTIN’ SERIOUS???

VICKY

Oh, I’m getting serious, alright.

Vicky reaches a new level of power. The ground beneath her feet cracks as Vicky’s energy coalesces. The dodgeball she’s holding gets charged with electric power.

VICKY

Jeannette…! I’m not letting your sacrifice be in vain!

Amira licks her lips, eager to reciprocate Vicky’s energy. She grabs one of the balls and gets in a similar pose to her opponent’s.

VERA

Amira, what are you doing?

AMIRA

(EXCITED) Takin’ this _seriously!_

VERA

You idiot, just throw the ball at her while she’s charging. You’ll win immediately.

Amira gives Vera a deadpan expression.

BEAT.

Amira throws a dodgeball at Vera.

COACH

Vera is out!

Vera raises her sunglasses and rolls her eyes before packing up her lawn chair.

VERA

(MUTTERING) What a tremendous waste of my time…

Amira gets in position and starts charging. Flames surround the dodgeball she’s holding.

We alternate between Vicky and Amira charging up. Both of them start yelling, half at each other and half just to emphasize the sheer charge-ness of the power they’re building.

And what power! The gymnasium floor is starting to crumble heavily at all the power contained in the two. Eventually, Vicky steps forward. Amira does so at the same time.

They both, simultaneously, throw their ultimate throws at each other.

VICKY

TAKE THIS!

AMIRA

DIE!

The balls careen at uncharted speed toward each other. They’re about to collide…!

But they don’t. the balls just pass right by each other. The angle was off, you see, so there’s no clash of power here at all. Instead, both girls are face to face with balls barreling toward them at insane speed. Their eyes widen simultaneously…

…Before both girls are sent flying toward opposite walls of the gymnasium. The walls of the gym crack open as both Amira and Vicky lay in rubble, coughing.

COACH

Amira and Vicky are out!

Vicky blacks out for a beat.

A moment later, however, she opens her eyes slightly to see Amira standing over her.

VICKY

Amira…?

Amira extends a hand to Vicky. Vicky nods and takes it. Amira helps Vicky up to her feet. Amira and Vicky look at each other, a newfound respect born between them.

BEAT.

amira

This was the worst fuckin’ dodgeball game I’ve ever played.

VICKY

Seriously, that was terrible. It wasn’t even fun, honestly. what a chore, right?

AMIRA

Who’s idea was this? Who's ass do I gotta beat?

VICKY

This was all Vera, right?

AMIRA

Snake lady gotta own up to this shit. Seriously.

VICKY

Who even won?

AMIRA

Well…

Coach blows his whistle three times.

COACH

Red team wins!

Amira and Vicky turn to the only player left.

Valerie.

VALERIE

Yeah, that’s right. I’m the last one fucking standing. I literally begged you to eliminate me all game. You could’ve won! But _noooo_ you didn’t wanna listen to me. This is on you!

BEAT.

VICKY

Wow. What a shitty conclusion to this shitty game.

AMIRA

You said it. I don’t know about you, but, I want a rematch.

VICKY

… At dodgeball?

AMIRA

What?! No! I’m never playing this stupid shit again! I wanna play somethin’ else!

VICKY

Same. Ok, then… how about, uhhhhhhhhh—

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CAFETERIA – NOON

BRIAN

Uh… Ok?

Brian sits, confused, besides Vicky and Amira, who are currently embroiled in a game of checkers.

VICKY

Hm? What was that, Brian?

amira

Who’s big green over here, by the way? That guy’s just been gawkin’ at us for a hot minute.

VICKY

That’s my best friend, Brian.

BRIAN

Y-yep. Nice to meet you.

AMIRA

Uh-huh. Ayo, Vicky do your move already you spent damn near five minutes on this one play. You’re just finna lose anyway soooooo no need to drag this out.

VICKY

Oh. I see. _I’m_ the one who’s gonna lose. That’s why you lost four pieces, right? Got a big strategy coming up?

AMIRA

Ok, so?? You lost three pieces you damn near down bad as me – Only reason your game look cleaner right now is ‘cause your nerdy ass prolly play this shit every night. Study the game every day in case something like this happens, meanwhile I chase my bag and get hella bitches, we built different.

VICKY

I barely even play this game and I’m kicking your ass. Ask one of those bitches you’re getting to help you strategize better.

AMIRA

Bitch, I strategize! If you wanna get technical, I lost _three_ pieces and _sacrificed_ one, which is a strategic maneuver and therefore a mark _for_ me and my big-ass brain.

VICKY

And what a brain it is, that I’m two moves away from getting a king.

AMIRA

(CORRECTING) Queen. I call ‘em queens ‘cause that’s more on brand for me.

VICKY

Call them whatever you want, you’re still gonna lose.

AMIRA

Game barely even started! You can’t possibly know that!

vicky

I can tell exactly where this game is going, you’re at a disadvantage, you’re _going_ to lose.

AMIRA

Okaaaaaaaaay, bitch. This hoe think she Deep Blue, chess computer ass. (MIMICKING) “You are currently at a disadvantage” headass.

VICKY

Dude! It’s obvious you have no clue what you’re doing, you’re just moving the pieces! How do you think I’m able to do _this:_

Vicky moves one of her pieces across three of Amira’s, eliminating them all.

AMIRA

BITCH!?

Amira takes Vicky’s piece from her hand and puts it back where it started.

VICKY

What? What?

AMIRA

We not boutta CHEAT in here the fuck do you think you’re doing?!

VICKY

I’m not cheating its in the rules! You can—

AMIRA

Naahhhhh. Nahhhhhhhhhhhh.

VICKY

It’s in the rules, you can like, hop a few pieces if your opponent is a dumb-dumb who lets it happen!

AMIRA

Since when?! I ain’t ever heard of no rule like that, you kill one piece and that’s IT. What the fuck are you doin’ to the game of checkers?!

VICKY

I’M PLAYING IT! I’M PLAYING THE GAME OF CHECKERS!

AMIRA

Nah, I'm not lettin' you add street rules to this OFFICIAL checkers game. I’m not gonna allow it!

VICKY

Alright then, _fine. Fine,_ because you’re such a baby I’m gonna move _this_ piece, here.

AMIRA

Actually, no.

Vicky gives Amira an “are you kidding me” look.

AMIRA

Nah, you gotta move the piece you picked. You touch it, you move it. That’s the rules.

VICKY

SINCE WHEN?!

AMIRA

Since we started PLAYING FAIR in this FAIR GAME of CHECKERS.

VICKY

Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow.

AMIRA

Wow me all you want, you’re the one who tried that goofy shit before. That dumb “lemme move three times at once” maneuver before, you did it you live with it.

VICKY

You’re such a bitch! You can’t handle losing at all!

AMIRA

BITCH, WHO’S A BITCH???

VICKY

YOU! YOU’RE A BITCH! I’m kicking the ass out of your ass and you’re just _quaking,_ dude.

AMIRA

TRY IT THEN!!

VICKY

FINE I WILL!

Vicky moves her checkers piece one space.

AMIRA

(CALM) Hmm, good move.

VICKY

(CALM) Thank you.

Vicky and Amira go back to silently playing checkers.

Cut to Brian, who’s witnessed all this and is somehow even more confused than he was before inquiring.

BRIAN

So… Is she going to help you get with Scott?

Vicky slowly looks up.

BRIAN

Remember? That’s… why you did all this…

BEAT.

VICKY

Oh my god, I _knew_ I was forgetting something.

AMIRA

Hm?

VICKY

Ah, nevermind.

Amira moves one of her pieces.

VICKY

(CALM) Oh, good move.

AMIRA

(CALM) Thanks.

BEAT.

AMIRA

Nice to meet you, by the way.

Vicky looks up, taken a little aback by Amira’s sincerity. Amira just looks down at the checkerboard, planning her next move. Vicky smiles to herself, content.

Cut to elsewhere in the cafeteria. Vera’s sitting at a table, eating a bloody steak and feeding her snakes liquid gold as usual. This time though, she’s not alone.

POLLY

Dude, Amira chewed me out for like half an hour after that dumbass dodgeball match. I thought she was cool!

LIAM

Speaking of Amira, Vera’s plan certainly didn’t amount to much. What a non-entity you were.

POLLY

(CONFUSED) Yeah, Vera, What the hell was that? you spoke such a big game but then did basically nothing the whole time. I thought you were gonna take Amira down! (REALIZING) Also why do _you_ know that, Liam, you weren’t there or anything…

LIAM

I was. For research.

POLLY

You were watching girls play dodgeball?

LIAM

Yes. For research.

BEAT.

POLLY

Vera, why are we friends with this guy?

Vera says nothing. She just grabs a napkin and wipes some gold off one of her snake’s mouths.

VERA

I suppose I’m flattered you two had such high expectations. In truth, you’re right: if I was looking to crush Amira I could’ve done so in an afternoon. This is different, however. I have plans in motion that could very well make use of her… so my main objective today was to observe, and see what in her personality I can target and exploit.

POLLY

So? What’d you find?

Vera chuckles.

VERA

That’s not for me to reveal.

Polly pouts as Vera says this. However, once Polly and Liam’s attention isn’t on Vera anymore, Vera pulls back her sleeve and we see that her watch is gone. Vera smirks a little and turns her gaze to Amira across the cafeteria.

Cut to Amira. We see the edge of Vera’s watch peeking out of her pocket. Amira shoves it deeper in and moves one of her pieces.

AMIRA

(COCKY) Queen me.

FADE OUT:

THE END


	4. Brian Disposes of a Body

FADE IN:

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY – MORNING 

Brian and Damien are walking through the hallways, looking for trouble and/or a place to nap.

DAMIEN

(TELLING STORY) -And that’s how I learned just how much damage you could do with a notebook, two sticks of deodorant and a used tampon.

BRIAN

Wow. Evidently very little.

DAMIEN

Yeah, I really didn’t do much damage with those things. I gotta stop bringing random shit to fights just so I can brag about beating people up with said random shit.

BRIAN

Definitely a poor decision strategically speaking. Cool story, though…

At that moment, Brian stops. He turns to his right slowly, as cracks in reality come into view. At their center, an ancient looking wooden door has, some would say poorly, been superimposed onto the door to the library.

BRIAN (CONT’D)

(ANXIOUS) Yo… yo, Damien?

DAMIEN

Yeah, what’s up? (NOTICING WOODEN DOOR) Oh shit! That’s right, it opens this week.

BRIAN

What? What opens?

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, VALERIE’S SHOP – CONTINUOUS

A bell rings as Brian and Damien open the door to Valerie’s shop. The boys enter and marvel – or at least Brian marvels – at the wide array of random, magic and/or generally unsafe looking items on sale.

BRIAN

Holy crap… what is this place?

DAMIEN

What? Never seen a reality-bending, randomly generated magic-slash-novelty shop before?

BRIAN

There’s like five layers of adjectives you added to “shop” that I’ve never even conceived, much less seen…

VALERIE 

(O.S.) For real? I didn’t take you for such a shop virgin, Brian.

From the other side of room, behind the strangely low-budget-looking counter, we see Valerie slide in on a computer chair and put her feet up on the countertop nonchalantly.

VALERIE

Hey Stranger! Whaddya buyin’?

BRIAN

Wait… Valerie?

VALERIE

That’s my name, don’t wear it out.

BRIAN

(WALKING TOWARD COUNTER) Huh, no way!

DAMIEN

Hey, Val. You got my stuff?

VALERIE

I got SOME stuff. Are you the guy who ordered a, uh…

Valerie pulls a paper from behind her counter.

VALERIE (CONT’D)

(READING PAPER) “Serrated, antique, bloodstained war axe dated from the 2nd war for the 3rd circle of hell?”

DAMIEN

That’s my order, yeah.

BRIAN

Wait, what do you mean “that’s your order” you can’t _order_ stuff like—

Valerie drops a massive war axe on the counter.

VALERIE

You already payed for this shit right? Take it, It’s heavy.

Damien slings the axe over his shoulder.

DAMIEN

Sick! Oh, could you stamp my points card?

Damien shows Valerie his Valerie store points card. Valerie stamps it with a Valerie-branded, Valerie-shaped stamp.

Damien takes his axe and leaves, waving at Valerie and Brian.

BRIAN

Holy shit… so you like, work here? What _is_ this place?

VALERIE

Well, it started when I noticed the school store was total garbage. It’s all pencils, books, stupid stuff no one needs in school.

BRIAN

Uh-huh?

VALERIE

So, I stepped in to make delectable use of this scrumptious business opportunity! Now everybody in school comes here to buy shit, and I make more bank than banks do! 

BRIAN

That’s amazing… but wait, how do you even find this stuff?

VALERIE

What can I say? I have my ways.

BRIAN

Wow, that’s—

Brian trails off as he notices, on a shelf near him, the not at all inconspicuous bag of cocaine labeled “COCAINE (REGULAR) – 12$”.

BRIAN (cont’d)

… That’s cocaine. That’s just straight up… a hard drug being sold in a school, isn’t it?

VALERIE

Hey, that’s not entirely true. Cocaine’s not a hard drug.

BRIAN

(SWEATING) Wh-what do you mean—

VALERIE

(WHISPERING) I’m saying I sell _harder_.

Valerie winks at Brian. Brian gulps a little.

VALERIE (CONT’D)

Actually, I’m glad you’re here! I have something for you.

BRIAN

(ANXIOUS) Listen, Val, I’m not gonna—

VALERIE

Relax, dude. I’m not gonna make you sell and/or do any drugs yet.

BRIAN

“yet”?

Valerie looks behind her counter. After a moment, Valerie returns with a gift box.

VALERIE

I got a gift for you! Take it as an apology for that uh… thing. You know, the one we’ll never speak of again.

BRIAN

(TOUCHED) Woah… really?

VALERIE

Really, really!

BRIAN

(THANKFUL) Thanks, Valerie.

The school bell rings out.

BRIAN (CONT’D)

Ah, that’s the bell. See, um… see you around!

Valerie waves as Brian leaves the shop.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH HALLWAYS – CONTINUOUS

Brian exits the shop, and undoes the ribbon on his gift box, a sheepish smile on his face. Beneath it a note is attached reading:

BRIAN

“First rule of shop club… nothing’s for free.”

Brian seems confused, but puts the note in his pocket and opens the gift box…

As soon as he sees what’s inside, he stops. His smile turns to horror.

TITLE: “BRIAN DISPOSES OF A BODY”

THEME SONG

ACT ONE

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, AUDITORIUM – MORNING

Amira and Vicky are in the auditorium, looking at something beside them with sheer confusion and open-mouthed worry respectively.

REVERSE SHOT: It's Brian. He looks exasperated.

There’s a corpse attached to his body. Its got its hands around his neck in a noose-like fashion, dangling like the world’s saddest flag.

Cut back to the girls. Their expressions haven’t changed.

AMIRA

(WHISPERING TO VICKY) Hey, did big green catch a body or…

VICKY

(WHISPERING TO AMIRA) That remains to be seen. (TO BRIAN) How did this happen…?

brian

… So, uh… I went to Valerie’s store…

VICKY

Ughhhh…

Vicky facepalms.

VICKY (CONT’D)

Valerie, of _course_.

BRIAN

Wait, has she done this before?

VICKY

She does this ALL. THE TIME. (APPROACHING CORPSE) Let me get a look at that thing…

Brian lets out an exasperated sigh.

amira

Wait, wait, hold on. What is… _this?_ What happened?

VICKY

Alright, so… don’t ask me where they come from because I don’t want to like, incriminate myself in any significant way? But Valerie has _hella_ corpses.

BRIAN

What the fuck?!

AMIRA

Haha! Nice.

VICKY

Yeah, she’s got tons. So, y’know, what do you do with a corpse?

BRIAN

(AGITATED) I don’t— What kind of question is that?! Bury it, I guess?!

AMIRA

Cremate.

vicky

Those are all socially acceptable answers- the answer I was looking for was “you dispose of it”. Which is what she does, that’s why that thing’s attached to you now.

amira

It’s _attached?_

BRIAN

Yes, Amira, this thing’s fuckin’ glued to me. I can’t—

Brian tries to wiggle free of the corpse. The corpse flings and flails but nonetheless remains stuck on Brian.

BRIAN (CONT’D)

See?

AMIRA

Oh yeah… I guess that makes sense, why would you still hold onto that thing otherwise?

BRIAN

Exactly. So? how do I get rid of this thing, do you know?

VICKY

(EXAMINING CORPSE) …

BRIAN

Vicky? Hey!

vicky

(LOOKING AT CORPSE) Why does this thing look so familiar…? (CATCHING HERSELF) Oh! Ok, so, Brian. I’m looking at this thing and it _seems_ like it’s attached to you with what’s known as a second-level binding spell. It’s like a regular binding spell, but with extremely minor differences that only real nuts would notice.

BRIAN

Uh… Ok?

VICKY

One of those differences is that it’s like, 5 times harder to break.

BRIAN

(CONCERNED) That’s a “minor difference”?!

VICKY

Five times one is five, Brian! That’s a minor difference— fifth level binding spells is like a hundred!

BRIAN

I feel like you’re forgetting the fact that I can’t even undo _one._ Now you want me to undo _five_ and saying it’s a minor fuckin’ difference?

VICKY

Brian, it’s easy if you know how to do it. And… (TRAILING OFF)

BRIAN

And? And what?

VICKY

(MUTTERING) And you would know how to do it if you didn’t sleep through class all the time…

AMIRA

Ohhhh shit! (CLAPPING) Drag! Him!

BRIAN

Well fuckin’ sue me if at 8AM I’m not in the mood to listen to Mr. Merlin drone on for 12 years about how to “break free from a…--(TRAILING OFF, SIGHING) “How to break free from a second level binding spell.”

Vicky nods quietly.

BRIAN (cont’d)

Of course. Of course, I had to sleep through the one class that would’ve been useful.

VICKY

Ok, I know this is progress, but to be super specific ALL classes are technically useful? So maybe you shouldn’t sleep through _any_ of them?

BRIAN

Don’t push it.

VICKY

Right.

BRIAN

So, what’s the plan? You oughta know how to break a… level two whatever right? You listen in class.

VICKY

Oof, uh… unfortunately? I do not currently know how to um… break a level two.

BRIAN

What?! But you just got on my ass about—

VICKY

We’re in different sections, Brian! I’m _gonna_ take that class later this week- thanks for _spoiling_ the class by the way-

BRIAN

it’s a class, who cares! (SIGHING) Ok then… Amira--

AMIRA

(INTERRUPTING) Bro, I _know_ you're not boutta ask me to help.

BRIAN

(REGRETTING ASKING AMIRA) … Could you help--

AMIRA

Oh, you got me fucked up a god damn wall if you think I’m finna waste my time on some stupid ass altercation like this. You got me fucked _through_ the god damn ceiling right now.

BRIAN

Alright! I get it, Amira-

AMIRA

(INTERRUPTING) This fuckin' guy said “could you help” Like I’m out here helpin’ people like that… like I work at the god damn Salvation Army or some shit. What, do you want me to run a blood drive now? Help an old lady across the street? Fuck off. 

BRIAN

… I get it-

AMIRA

"Could you help--" Go help yourself off a steep cliff my man, I'm not liftin' not _one_ finger for you.

BRIAN

I get it! So, let me recap. I’ve got a literal decomposing corpse attached to me for what I assume is the foreseeable future, and you two are, what, absolutely zero help?

VICKY

Uh, that’s an unfair assessment because I’m _totally_ gonna be super useful. (PAUSE) In like however many days until I take the class that teaches me how to undo this curse.

BRIAN

Right, so until then, I just… Go fuck myself?

VICKY

… Well I wasn’t gonna say it like that, you’re the one who said it like that.

Brian sits down on an auditorium chair and massages his temples. Vicky, saddened, sits next to him.

VICKY (CONT’D)

Come on, Brian. Don’t be sad! A little corpse never hurt anybody.

BRIAN

The hell are you talking about, corpses are the worst.

VICKY

Ok, ouch? I’m technically a corpse, you know.

BRIAN

And I’m LITERALLY a corpse, so don’t get sensitive on me alright?

VICKY

Alright, point taken.

AMIRA

I don’t get this… how is this supposed to be a body disposal method?

VICKY

I’m glad you asked! Monstropolis has really messed up laws and also a terrible justice system? So basically, if they find you entangled with a corpse you’re more or less guaranteed to be charged of the murder of that corpse.

Brian turns to Vicky slowly, his eyes wide in horror.

BRIAN

… What?

AMIRA

Ohhh snap, for real? Yo, that fuckin’ suuuuuuucks! Big green you're goin’ to _jail_ , bro!

BRIAN

Vicky… I’m gonna go to _jail?_

vicky

You’re not gonna go to jail. (PAUSE) Ok, you _might_ go to jail, but--!

BRIAN

(DISTRESSED) I’m gonna go to jail?!

VICKY

You _might_!! Ok? There’s a big difference between “Definitely gonna go” and “might, probably… (CONCEDING) most likely gonna go, most probably… gonna end up there”, yeah.

LONG BEAT.

BRIAN

(EXASPERATED) I don’t know if I should kill you or myself. Or both, actually.

VICKY

Hey, that’s not nice! What are you killing _me_ for, I didn’t put you in this situation!

AMIRA

Yeah, why don’t you fuck up what's-her-name?

BRIAN

Valerie? I can’t do that she’s— (CATCHING HIMSELF) … Ok, that’s not important.

vicky

I feel like it’s the _most_ important, Brian. What’s going on with you and Valerie?

BRIAN

It doesn’t matter, ok! I just have to get this thing off and everything’ll be fine, right? Vicky, please, just try to get me out of this as fast as you can.

VERA 

(O.S.) Get you out of _what_ exactly?

Brian swears under his breath. He, Vicky and Amira turn to their interlopers: Vera, Liam, Damien and Polly. As soon as Brian gets up and faces the group, Vera recoils in disgust.

VERA

(DISGUSTED) Oh my lord… why are you carrying a corpse, idiot?

LIAM

What a shameful display of taste…

BRIAN

Hey, I’m not _carrying_ this thing, it’s stuck to me, see? I hate it as much as you do.

DAMIEN

Yo, wait a second- You didn’t get that from Valerie’s, did you?

BRIAN

What? Yes, I did.

The four on Damien’s side burst out laughing.

VERA

Oh my god, she just keeps getting away with it, doesn’t she!

LIAM

It never gets old.

BRIAN

Yeah, yeah, get your laughs out. What the fuck, Damien, I’m in a real— (TRYING TO SHAKE OFF CORPSE) Hairy situation here… I’d appreciate it if you would stop laughing!

DAMIEN

Sorry man, but this is a total noob move. Everybody knows not to take Valerie’s “Gifts”.

POLLY

Oh, Come on guys, Lay off him.

BRIAN

Thanks, Polly—

POLLY

I actually think it’s a good look for you! The whole… decomposing… rotten corpse thing, it’s really your aesthetic.

BRIAN

… I’m sorry, was that supposed to be a _compliment?_

POLLY

I mean… I’m like, fucked all the way up right now? What did that sound like to you?

BRIAN

Uh, Hurtful? Hurtful, mostly.

POLLY

Then that’s probably what I meant.

Brian sits back down defeated.

VERA

And to think I had any inkling of a burgeoning of hope in you, Brian. I really almost – but not really – thought you might, eventually perhaps be able to enter the very prestigious upper echelons of our social hierarchy. Unfortunately, it seems you’ve made your un-coolness plain as day.

LIAM

I must agree, it goes without saying that any of the goodwill you bought by boldly sleeping through all your classes has been dashed the very moment I saw this.

Vera and Liam turn to leave.

BRIAN

(SARCASTIC) Woe is me, I don’t get to hang out with fuckin’ Vera and Liam. Lord knows nothing would’ve made me happier. (TO DAMIEN) Damien, we’re still cool, right?

Damien looks off.

BRIAN (CONT’D)

Damien?

DAMIEN

… Listen, Brian.

BRIAN

Come on, man. Are you for real right now?

DAMIEN

Like, I know we’re cool but… This is a reaaaally bad look for you, dude.

BRIAN

(CONFUSED) I was… I was tricked! I don’t know why this is such a big deal!

DAMIEN

That’s just it, you were tricked. It’s a bad look among monsters. Sorry, man.

Damien turns to walk away. Brian turns to Polly, but she’s passed out on her back and drooling. Brian sighs, looking more than a little dejected. Vicky notices this and…

VICKY

(DESPERATE) Um! T-The corpse is a fashion accessory!

Everyone stops. After a beat, Vera, Liam and Damien turn toward Vicky slowly.

VERA

A… fashion accessory, you say?

BRIAN

Vicky, what’re you—

Vicky punches Brian in the arm.

BRIAN

Ow!

VICKY

(MUTTERING) Play along! (TO AMIRA) You too!

Amira turns back to the group.

AMIRA

What? Sorry, I tuned out of this whole conversation like a while ago.

VICKY

Ugh.

vera

(TO VICKY) What are you talking about with Amira?

vicky

Well, um, Amira was just telling me how, in _her_ culture, corpses are actually a sign of wealth and status, right Amira?

AMIRA

(MUTTERING) My _culture,_ bitch? I'm from _here!_

VICKY (CONT’D)

(MUTTERING) Please! Amira?

Amira sighs.

AMIRA

…Sure, whatever.

Vera and her crew gasp.

VERA

So, it's true…

LIAM

I always suspected such a thing, naturally, but still… how fashion forward, Brian.

BRIAN

… I’m still… (WHISPERING TO VICKY) I’m still unclear as to what’s happening right now.

VICKY

(WHISPERING TO BRIAN) I’m saving your social standing, you’re welcome. Trust me, you don’t want to live as an outcast because of this, especially not in high school.

BRIAN

(WHISPERING TO VICKY) Why not? It’s high school, everyone’s an outcast relative to someone else. It’s basically just one big social ouroboros.

VICKY

(WHISPERING TO BRIAN) Fine, I feel bad that I can’t get the corpse off you so I’m trying to help you out here. Now let me make myself feel better, ok?

BRIAN

(WHISPERING) Alright, fine. (TO GROUP) … It’s true, Liam. This is actually just…

Brian puts the corpse on his head.

BRIAN (CONT’D)

High fashion.

The group stays silent for a while. Vicky’s sweating, and Brian seems more or less fine – mostly just concerned about the sanitary issue of putting a corpse on his head. The silence remains until…

VERA

Yes. Yes, I see it. This… this is high fashion.

The rest of the group agrees. Polly wakes up from her coma and looks at Brian, in all his high fashion glory.

POLLY

Wait, is it me or is Brian wearing the corpse from before on his head?

LIAM

It’s fashion.

DAMIEN

It’s fashion, Polly.

POLLY

Oh yeah… yeah, that makes sense…

Polly falls unconscious once more.

BRIAN

Is she gonna be ok or… are we just gonna ignore she just fell unconscious twice?

VERA

It’s a weekday, Brian. It’s a mystery she’s been conscious this long. Nevermind that… I never say this, in fact I loathe to, but what you’ve done here is… ‘inspired’.

BRIAN

You don’t like saying things are inspired?

VERA

I don’t like admitting people other than me have good ideas. Don’t worry, I’ll be stealing it from you in good time. For now, though, enjoy the thrill of ownership while it lasts.

Vera turns and sashays away, followed closely by her entourage. Damien gathers Polly and gets Brian’s attention.

DAMIEN

Sorry about that thing earlier, Brian, I didn’t know it was a fashion thing.

BRIAN

Yeah, man, no worries.

DAMIEN

(WHISPERING TO BRIAN) I know it’s not, but still good job playing that off. Come to the library tomorrow, I know someone who can get that thing off you.

BRIAN

Thanks, man.

Damien leaves. Brian turns to Vicky, who’s smiling. Brian smiles back. A fly from the corpse flies in Brian’s eye.

BRIAN

(RE: FLY) Ow!

PAN OVER: On the other side of the auditorium, A cloaked figure wearing a mask lowers binoculars aimed at Brian and his friends. After a moment, they receive a call.

CLOAKED PERSON

(MODULATED VOICE) I’ve found him. It’s as you said, he’s got her corpse. The evidence is undeniable. (LISTENING TO PHONE) … (ANSWERING) Do not trouble yourselves any further. Wire me the payment and he’ll be dead before the week ends.

The cloaked person hangs up, and, in the shadows, disappears.

ACT TWO

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, LIBRARY – THE NEXT DAY

Hope’s in the library, painting her nails. This goes on for a while. She’s got a bandage on her cheek from the dodgeball game.

PAN UP: Brian’s standing right behind her, looking down exhausted and expectant, bags under his eyes. He’s clearly worn out from carrying the corpse and this interminable wait isn’t doing him any favors.

BRIAN

… Um-

HOPE

Shush, Zombie. I’ll get to you in a minute. Let me just…

Hope slowly applies polish to her nail.

HOPE

Finish… this…

Hope finally finishes applying polish to the nail.

HOPE (CONT’D)

Phew! What do you think, pretty good, right? I could definitely be a technician if I wasn’t so busy saving the world and junk.

BEAT.

BRIAN

… I’ve been here for thirty minutes. Please help or tell me you can’t help so I can move on with my life.

hope

Geez, aren’t you an impatient little undead… thing? For your information, Of _course_ I can help, I’m a witch. I can break a little baby spell like this drunk, maimed and unconscious.

BRIAN

Good, could you maybe do it now that you’re not either of those three things?

HOPE

Eh… Give me a reason to.

BRIAN

(GROANING, MUTTERING) Put a bullet in my head…

HOPE

Believe me I’d love to. You smell terrible.

BRIAN

(IRRITATED) That’s because I’ve been carrying a decomposing corpse around for two whole days!

HOPE

Sure, tell yourself that.

BRIAN

I don’t—(PAUSING) … Do I smell?

HOPE

That’s your business, man. I fight creatures of darkness, not your B.O.

BRIAN

(MUTTERING) Apparently, you also fight my fuckin’ patience. (CALMING DOWN) Alright, you want a reason to help me? I’ll do anything you want. Anything you need I’ll get it. This is really serious for me.

HOPE

Anything, huh… (SNICKERING) I need some gorgon poison.

BRIAN

What? Why?

HOPE

Believe me: if you know you know, and if you don’t know, you don’t deserve to know. Just get it for me and I’ll be _open_ to getting that thing off you.

BRIAN

Sure, whatever. How hard could it be, Vera poisons people constantly.

HOPE

Oh… I don’t mean the stuff that comes from her head-snakes.

BRIAN

What? What other poison is there?

HOPE

(SMILING) … Why don’t you ask her? For a cup of her “Gorgon Poison”.

BRIAN

Uh… Sure?

HOPE

Say that. Say that sentence exactly. (EXTENDING A HAND) Deal?

BRIAN

(TAKING HAND) Deal.

The two shake hands. For a while. Brian tries to let go but Hope’s holding on tight.

BRIAN

Hey, uh—

Hope’s expression has turned from a vague air of superiority to concern and concentration.

HOPE

Shit…

BRIAN

What’s wrong?

HOPE

Something’s coming. On my signal, duck. ok?

BRIAN

(CONCERNED) What? What’s coming?

HOPE

And… Duck!

Brian and Hope duck. At that precise moment, the cloaked figure from earlier blasts through the wall adjacent to the two, crashing onto a table and crushing it. Brian gets knocked back on the ground. Hope gets up and readies her magic.

HOPE (CONT’D)

Who are you? What do you want?!

CLOAKED FIGURE

(MODULATED VOICE) At ease, witch. I’m not here for you.

The cloaked figure slowly unsheathes a glowing sword.

CLOAKED FIGURE (CONT’D)

I’m here…

The cloaked figure points the sword at the prone Brian.

CLOAKED FIGURE (CONT’D)

… For him.

BRIAN

Wh-what?! Why?!

HOPE

(RELIEVED) Oh! That’s a relief.

Hope un-readies herself startlingly fast and sits back down on her somehow still intact library chair.

HOPE (CONT’D)

Have fun!

BRIAN

What do you mean have fun, you’re not gonna—

Hope cocks her head in smug ignorance.

BRIAN (CONT’D)

… I hate you.

The cloaked figure slashes at Brian. Brian dodges and gets on his feet.

BRIAN

Hey! Hey, hey, wait! Y-you’ve got the wrong guy here, I don’t even know you! What do you have against me?!

CLOAKED FIGURE

(MODULATED VOICE) Believe me, you’re precisely the man I was looking for.

The cloaked figure points at Brian’s corpse with her sword.

CLOAKED FIGURE

(CONT’D) That corpse proves it.

BRIAN

(RATTLED) Holy shit- are you the police?! Am I going to jail?!

CLOAKED FIGURE

(MODULATED VOICE) Oh, believe me. When I’m through with you, you’ll wish you could’ve gone somewhere as merciful as jail.

BRIAN

Are you seriously going to kill, what I assume, is a suspect?! I mean, that can’t be legal—

The cloaked figure slashes at Brian again. Brian dodges and slips away through the hole the cloaked figure made in the library wall, into a hallway.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

cloaked figure

(MODULATED VOICE) Stop running like a coward and accept your fate!

brian

Shit… (PUTTING HANDS BEHIND HEAD) Ok, Ok, I yield… I just have one question.

CLOAKED FIGURE

(MODULATED VOICE) What?!

BEAT.

BRIAN

Do you have a gun? Or like, any sort of long-range weapon.

CLOAKED FIGURE

(MODULATED VOICE) No, I do not. I will rend you apart just the same.

BRIAN

Alright, that’s good to know… (DISTRACTING) Oh no way, Look! Behind you! Ice cream, uh—

CLOAKED FIGURE

(MODULATED VOICE, GENUINE, TURNING AROUND) The ice cream wizard?! Where?!

Brian guns it.

CLOAKED FIGURE

(MODULATED VOICE) HEY! GET BACK HERE!

MONTAGE – CLOAKED FIGURE CHASE

The cloaked figure runs after Brian through a variety of locations. Through the hallways, through a class, across the gym (which is being rebuilt), in and out of the bathroom, etc. The cloaked figure becomes more and more tired, until…

END MONTAGE 

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, COACH’S OFFICE – LATER 

Scott Howl’s standing by the window of the office, looking out at the football field with great interest. After a beat, Coach enters.

COACH

Oh, hey Scott!

SCOTT

Coach! Get over here and watch this…

Coach walks over to the window.

EXT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, FOOTBALL FIELD - CONTINUOUS

WIDE SHOT: Brian runs across the football field. All the while, the cloaked assailant is running after him, but… they’re having trouble. Brian, however, seems as spry as he started.

PAN OVER: Brian takes more and more distance on the cloaked figure until they collapse on the ground, breathing heavily.

cloaked figure

(BREATHING HEAVILY, MODULATED VOICE) Stop… Running… you’ll never… escape…!

Brian stops, and jogs in place next to the cloaked figure.

BRIAN

Are you sure you should be saying that from the _ground_?

CLOAKED FIGURE

(MODULATED VOICE) SH-… shut up! Oh my god… you’re supposed to be dead, aren’t you!? How is your cardio so good?!

BRIAN

Well… let’s just say I did a lot of running when I was alive.

CLOAKED FIGURE

(HEAVING) Ohh shit I’m gonna vomit…

The assailant starts fiddling with their mask, trying to get it off.

CLOAKED FIGURE (CONT’D)

(MUTTERING) Shit, shit- come on…

BRIAN

Woah, uh… are you-

The cloaked figure removes the mask and promptly barfs on the astroturf.

BRIAN

… Are you-

The cloaked figure barfs again.

BRIAN

… Are-

The cloaked figure barfs once more.

BRIAN

… Alright I’m just gonna go. Have fun.

Brian runs away. As he leaves, the cloaked figure glares at him. As she does, we see that it’s the slayer, Aaravi Mishra.

BEAT.

She barfs once again.

INT. CÖRPSE STARTUP, VERA’S OFFICE – LATER

Vera does a spit take at her desk in her open concept office and glares at Brian, in front of her.

VERA

(WIPING WHISKEY FROM DESK) Give me one reason why I shouldn’t have you _erased_ for asking me that.

Beside Vera, all manner of employees are shipping out orders for their very own cörpses, Vera’s high fashion corpse accessory brand.

BRIAN

I… uh, I’m sorry? I didn’t know your “Gorgon Poison” was such a big deal—

VERA

DON’T! (TRYING TO CALM DOWN) Do _not_ say that again. (POURING MORE WHISKEY) I’m trying to run a company here, Brian. I have a million things more important to doo than to listen to you make these _disgusting_ demands!

BRIAN

Vera, I don’t even know what I’m asking you for, if it’s any consolation.

VERA

(IRATE) _Clearly_ you don’t, I wasn’t wondering about that. No, what I’m wondering is how much your skull’s going to be worth after I have it surgically removed and sold to the highest bidder!

BRIAN

Alright, listen. I know this is apparently a huge ask—

VERA

Believe me, there isn’t a bigger ask than that.

BRIAN

I know this is a _massive_ ask. But I don’t have any other choice- this thing’s stuck to me! I need to get it off before the police throw me in jail - or just outright kill me, I guess - and the only person I know who can get rid of it needs some of your—

Vera takes a gun from under her desk and cocks it.

BRIAN (CONT’D)

(THREATENED) … The only person I know needs… something you may or may not have… And I don’t know any other gorgons. You’re my only shot.

VERA

(ADMIRING GUN) Are you sure? You didn’t try asking a gorgon prostitute for some?

BRIAN

There are gorgon prostitutes?

Vera sighs, and a smile creeps up on her face.

VERA

No there aren’t. We’re all rich, aren’t we?

Vera aims the gun in her hand at one of her employees and BANG! pulls the trigger.

EMPLOYEE

(RE: GETTING SHOT) AAAH!!

BRIAN

WH-WHAT THE FUCK?! Why’d you do that?!

VERA

Ah… That was just to make me feel better. Self care is important.

Vera gets up from her desk and walks toward the door.

VERA (cONT’D)

Come on, Brian.

BRIAN

Wait… are you gonna—?

VERA

Slow down, cowboy, we’re not there yet. How about you buy me dinner first?

INT. CATACOMB COFFEE – LATER

Vera sits, patiently sipping coffee. Opposite her, Brian’s sitting arms folded.

BRIAN

I uh… I thought you wanted dinner, why are we here?

VERA

It was a figure of speech. Your stupidity… was actually entirely within the realm of my expectations. You’ve lived up to my hopes, Brian. You should be proud of yourself.

BRIAN

(SARCASTIC) Yes, I’m thoroughly flattered. (SERIOUS) So, how do we do this? What do I have to do for you to give me the thing?

VERA

That will come in time, but first, let me gloat about my accomplishments.

BRIAN

(SARCASTIC) Oh, joy…

VERA

Thanks to my brilliant business acumen, I’ve turned your freak accident of a fashion statement into a veritable enterprise. Corpses, or as we stylize them, cörpses with an umlaut, have taken over the fashion world. (RE: SHOWING BRIAN PHONE) Here’s a pic of the queen of the fifth circle of hell, Beyoncé, wearing one.

Brian raises an eyebrow.

VERA (CONT’D)

It’s going very well, and of course I’m making a frankly irresponsible amount of money as usual; the only _problem_ is… someone seeks to undermine my good fortune.

Vera shows Brian an article on her phone.

BRIAN

(READING ALOUD) “10 Reasons Why Wearing a Corpse as a Fashion Accessory Is Not Chic and Probably Also a Crime”?

VERA

It is as you read it. This article, penned by a pathetic whelp named Fiodor Fedora, will be printed in the next issue of Vogue – a magazine I’ve done nothing but support and help prosper! Specifically, by spending millions in bribes so that their many monster rights violations aren’t revealed to the public.

BRIAN

Wait, isn’t it a fashion magazine? What kind of violations can they—

VERA

Did you know you legally can’t quit or retire from working for Vogue? No, instead, randomly during your career, you undergo a process the higher ups call “harvesting”.

Vera takes a patient sip of her coffee.

BRIAN

(TERRIFIED) … I don’t wanna know what being “harvested” means.

VERA

It’s every bit as horrifying as you’re thinking it is. And It’s even worse if you’re a woman, because at least if you’re a man they sell all the parts. If you’re a woman? (OMINOUS) They keep some for themselves.

BRIAN

(SCARED) Alright, alright that’s enough I… I get it, Vogue’s the worst. I just have one question.

Brian points to besides him and Vera where a portly man with a neckbeard and a fedora is sitting impatiently.

BRIAN

Is this the guy? Is this Fiodor Fedora?

The man, Fiodor Fedora, Huffs.

VERA

(PLAYFULLY IMPRESSED) It most certainly is! How did you know?

brian

Ah, I just took a wild fuckin’ guess. (TO FIODOR) What’s up, Fiodor? You’re not stopping this “harvesting” shit?

FIODOR FEDORA

First off, the reports about the “Harvesting” are grossly overexaggerated. It’s nothing but a tactic by our _competitors_ to try to smear our name. This is defamation!

BEAT.

BRIAN

Right, so what he’s saying is it’s all true and he _definitely_ has some ‘female parts’ in his office?

VERA

He does, I’ve seen them.

FIODOR FEDORA

You know, I came here thinking we could have a _rational debate_ about the merits of your corpse trend but here I am, and I’m being utterly _slandered!_

VERA

Oh please, Mr. Fedora, give me a moment of your time. I brought you here—

Vera puts a gift box on the table.

VERA (cONT’D)

To give you a gift!

FIODOR FEDORA

(FLATTERED) Well! This is certainly a welcome surprise.

As soon as Fiodor opens the gift box, a corpse, or rather, a cörpse, jumps out and attaches itself to Fiodor. Fiodor takes a moment, and…

BRIAN

Haha! Got him!

FIODOR FEDORA

(DISTRAUGHT) Who’s… who’s corpse is this?

VERA

Guess.

Fiodor looks into the corpse’s eyes. After a pained moment, he squeaks out…

FIODOR FEDORA

… Mother?

Vera says nothing. She takes yet another sip of coffee. Brian seems at least a little shaken. The intensity remains for a beat.

FIODOR FEDORA

(GENUINELY IMPRESSED) Wow! This is, remarkable!

BRIAN

(CONFUSED) Wh-what?

FIODOR FEDORA

You know what? I had never seen the appeal of these things before now. But now that its on me? I must say, this is an absolutely marvelous accessory!

VERA

Isn’t it?

FIODOR FEDORA

It’s chic… subtle…

BRIAN

Subtle?

FIODOR FEDORA

Personalized too! Here I am, carrying my very own mother. You’re a visionary Vera, you’ve truly outdone yourself. Clearly, I’ve been wrong on your product, and I will rescind my article as soon as I can.

VERA

How kind of you!

Fiodor tries to shake Vera’s hand. Vera does not reciprocate. Fiodor gets the hint and gets up, before typing a number on his phone.

fiodor fedora

(ON PHONE) Hey? It’s Fiodor. Yeah, axe the piece on corpses, I was… SO wrong on them. I’m not even sure they’re illegal, really!

Fiodor leaves.

BRIAN

That sorted itself out, didn’t it?

VERA

(LOOKING OUT OF WINDOW) Oh, it’s not even close to sorted…

BRIAN

Huh?

Fiodor is standing beside his parked car, still on the phone. Vera takes her purse and shakes out its contents: disassembled parts of a firearm. Brian looks at this for a brief moment before getting it.

BRIAN

Oh, now all this makes sense.

Vera turns back to Fiodor, who’s still outside his car.

VERA

(LOOKING AT FIODOR) What you’re asking for demands a price this high. Do this for me and I’ll give you your substance. (TURNING BACK TO BRIAN) Of course, if you’re not up to it, you can—

Vera’s interrupted by the cocking of the assembled firearm in Brian’s hands.

VERA (cONT’D)

(TRAILING OFF) Say so… now…

Brian slams the window open and takes aim at Fiodor’s head.

BRIAN

You think I’m not down to brain this guy? He killed people, didn’t he?

VERA

He’s complicit in Vogue magazine’s crimes, yes.

Brian puts his finger on the trigger, ready to shoot.

BRIAN

That’s all I needed to know.

Brian flexes his finger…

But just as he’s about to shoot, Aaravi the slayer appears from out of nowhere and lands, blade first on Fiodor’s back!

SLAYER

Take this, evildoer!

Aaravi slices Fiodor to pieces, his gurgled pleas for mercy fading into the atmosphere. Once the deed is done, Aaravi contacts her employers.

SLAYER

(ON PHONE) I found him. He’s dead now. (LISTENING)… (ON PHONE) Yes, I’m sure it’s him! He had a corpse around him and everything. I’ll send the picture later, just send me the money, alright? Geez…

Aaravi walks away, Fiodor’s mutilated corpse still on the street.

Back at the café, both Brian and Vera are positively perplexed. Brian turns back toward Vera.

BRIAN

So, uh… did that count, or do you want me to do something else?

VERA

… Well you didn’t kill him, but… I suppose it’s the thought that counts?

ACT THREE

EXT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, OUTSIDE BATHROOMS – THE NEXT DAY, NOON

Brian sits waiting outside of the Spooky high school bathrooms, looking something like a mix between a crackhead and a meth head. That corpse really isn’t doing him any favors. After a moment, there’s a knock on the door from inside the bathroom.

VERA

(INSIDE BATHROOM) Alright, I got it. Get in here.

Brian gathers himself and enters the bathroom.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, INSIDE BATHROOMS – CONTINUOUS

Brian stumbles forward. Vera stands, a little loopy. Her blouse is rustled, and hastily buttoned up. She nods, pensively. She has a red Tupperware filled with a sticky looking, pale green liquid.

VERA

I’ll be honest with you, Brian… It’s been a while since I’ve – what’s the word…

BRIAN

…

VERA

I’m trying to think of the most disgusting way to describe how I made… (RE: TAPPING TUPPERWARE) How I made this. How about: It’s been a while since I’ve ‘secreted’ gorgon poison.

BRIAN

(CRINGING SILENTLY) …

VERA

Yeah, that’s what I wanted to see. I’ll be giving you this, as per our agreement. You will never speak of this. You will never even THINK of this. If you so much as… _believe_ that I would ever make this transaction with you, I will find you and I will keep you in an underground cell where I will waterboard you with gallons upon gallons of THIS liquid you seem to love so fucking much. I will find your family… and if you do not have family, I will give you a family just so I can take them in the most horrific way possible. Am I making myself _crystal_ clear?

BRIAN

(NODDING SILENTLY) …

VERA

Good. Any questions?

BRIAN

(THINKING)… Alright, I’ve got _one_ question.

vera

Please, regale me.

BRIAN

I don’t care what gorgon poison is. Just, if it’s not your head snakes… then where does it come out of?

VERA

… You really can’t guess?

BRIAN

I don’t wanna guess. Where does it come out?

VERA

Just… think for a moment. Why do you think I did this in the bathroom?

The sound of a toilet flushing echoes through the bathroom.

BEAT.

Vera slides the Tupperware over to Brian, smiling wickedly. Brian wishes he was dead.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CLASSROOM – LATER

Hope is sitting at a desk, drinking some soup. After a beat, Brian appears. He all but smashes the red Tupperware on the table. Hope’s eyes immediately widen in shock. She drops her spoon in her soup.

HOPE

(HORRIFIED) Is that—

BRIAN

Yes, it is. Break the spell.

HOPE

How the— (STUMBLING BACK) How the FUCK did you get this?! Who would agree to—

BRIAN

Don’t ask. You wanted this? You got it. Break the spell.

HOPE

I… (GULPING) I was just messing with you! I didn’t _actually_ want this gross shit; I was just trying to get you to leave me alone—

Hope stops talking when she sees Brian’s expression. There is a weighty, palpable hatred in his eyes.

HOPE

Alright! Alright, Fine, I’ll break the spell!

Hope gets up and conjures a grimoire. She starts leafing through the pages. Brian stands adjacent, clearly getting impatient. Right next to him, though, unbeknownst to Brian and Hope, Miranda Vanderbilt stands, admiring Brian’s corpse. That is, until Brian notices.

BRIAN

Whuh? Geez, Miranda you… scared me…

MIRANDA

Salutations, zombie. I couldn’t help but notice this corpse you had around your neck.

BRIAN

Yes, I know. Believe me, I’m well fucking acquainted with it.

MIRANDA

Really? You knew my old body double?

BEAT.

Brian turns to Miranda slowly.

BRIAN

… What?

MIRANDA

My old body double. That is who _this_ is. Or rather, who it used to be. I left her in Oz’ locker for… my word, how long was it… around a week, I believe? The janitor found her like so. What a shame! Can you believe it?

Brian looks at Miranda like he cannot fathom a thing she’s saying right now.

MIRANDA (cont’d)

And you’ll never believe the serf’s family’s demands. “We demand to see our daughter!” They said. “We wish to give her a proper burial!” As though serfs deserve such things, don’t you agree?

At that moment, a weighty thud rings out through the classroom. Someone’s trying to break into the door.

MIRANDA (cONT’D)

Of course, being in possession of my old double meant that I was implicated in her death… which, although factual, implies I’d have to face consequences, like a peasant. Thank Poseidon for Valerie’s body disposal service!

There’s another thud at the door. Foundations shake. Dust falls on Brian’s head. He’s breathing heavily.

MIRANDA (CONT’D)

That you ended up in possession of that thing’s corpse is all the same to me, do not worry about me recollecting it. Although I’d be careful if I were you…

A final, massive thud.

miranda (cont’d)

I believe the double’s family hired a monster slayer to reclaim that corpse. I hope you haven’t come across anybody of that persuasion…

The door, and adjacent wall, break and crumble open. The slayer stands in the doorway, pissed to high heaven.

hope

Alright! I found the spell! Brian? (RE: TURNING TO SLAYER) Oh… shoot.

The Slayer readies her sword and jumps at Brian, trying to slice his head off! Brian dodges and stumbles back onto the desks.

The slayer slashes a few more times at Brian, while Miranda and Hope run out of there as soon as they can. The battle continues, with Brian mostly on the defensive.

Brian puts up a good fight, the slayer whiffs most of the time, and Brian starts getting optimistic, that is, until he hits the corner of the classroom.

Once in the corner, He’s trapped by the slayer, who flashes him a wicked smile. Brian no longer has the energy to fight back. He simply holds himself on the wall breathing heavily and resigns himself to his fate.

slayer

What’s the matter? Not gonna run?

BRIAN

Yeah? Run where? I’m trapped. I give up. This corpse ended up getting me killed.

SLAYER

Ha! Ironic. (MUTTERING)… I mean I guess, technically. Wait, is it? Ah, whatever. 

The slayer solemnly raises her blade, trying to land the finishing blow, but right at that moment—

VALERIE 

(O.S.) Wait!!

An out of breath Valerie calls from the door to the classroom.

VALERIE

… Aaravi, Wait.

SLAYER

Valerie…? What are you doing here? I’m trying to do my job!

VALERIE

All you need is the corpse right? You don’t need _him_ to die, do you?

SLAYER

Well it’s stuck to him, isn’t it?! I can’t remove it unless—

Valerie runs to Brian and puts a hand on his chest. She recites an incantation and, as a magic circle appears around Brian’s neck, the corpse loosens its grip and lets go of Brian.

SLAYER

Oh…

VALERIE

Well?

SLAYER

… Whatever, they don’t know what he looks like anyway. I’ve got a pic of some fatso with a fedora, that’s gotta be enough.

The slayer slings the corpse over her shoulder and opens a window.

SLAYER (CONT’D)

Later, V.

The slayer hops out of the window, dashing away.

Valerie turns back to Brian… to find him unconscious. She sighs.

INT. VALERIE’S SHOP – LATER

Brian wakes up slowly on a wooden bench in Valerie’s store. Brian’s head is on Valerie’s lap. 

VALERIE

(NOTICING BRIAN’S AWAKE) Oh! Hey… Brian.

BRIAN

Valerie…?

Brian feels around his neck and body. The corpse is gone.

BRIAN (cont’d)

The corpse…

VALERIE

Is gone, yes. (SOLEMNLY) Listen, Brian… I don’t know how to say this, because believe me, I NEVER say this- but… I’m really sorry.

BRIAN

No please, by all means. Go on.

VALERIE

(LAUGHING, THEN SIGHING) This whole thing was a huge mistake. The corpse thing is a trick I play on people who steal from my shop. I catch them, then I give them that gift. The corpses are special, if you couldn’t tell – I imbue them with the power to steal life force from whoever they’re attached to. It sucks for them and it more often than not lands them in prison. On top of that, I get to have a profitable little side business disposing of bodies for people.

BRIAN

You said people who _steal?_ I didn’t steal anything from you, Valerie.

valerie

Yeah, that’s just the thing! You didn’t—but someone else did. I figured they were going to show up on my opening, so I had the cursed gift ready ahead of time. The problem is…

Valerie grabs a gift box, identical to the one that had the corpse, from beside her.

VALERIE (CONT’D)

I also had THIS, ready for you.

BRIAN

(FACEPALMING) Oh you GOTTA be kidding me. Really?!

VALERIE

(LAUGHING) Yeah! It’s that simple! I switched the two gifts. (BLUSHING) This is so embarrassing…

Brian looks up at the blushing Valerie. He seems a little sheepish at seeing the girl’s embarrassment. But then Valerie’s timid smile turns to a forlorn expression.

BRIAN

… You ok, Val?

VALERIE

That whole thing with Aaravi… I only found out about that after I got the corpse on you. I wanted to get it off you right then, but… well, I hadn’t learned how to do that yet. I had that class this morning. I was hoping you’d be ok, but I know it must’ve been tough holding out for that long. I hope you can forgive me.

BRIAN

…

VALERIE

Brian?

BRIAN

I forgive you. You know I forgive you, Val. But really, it’s been a shitty past few days.

VALERIE

(LAUGHING SOFTLY) What happened?

BRIAN

Oh, so much. I almost died like 3 times… I got your sister to give me a Tupperware full of her “Gorgon Poison”…

VALERIE

(CHUCKLING) You did not! You know where that comes out of, don’t you?!

BRIAN

Yeah, well, I learned the hard way.

Valerie and Brian look at each other for a quiet moment.

VALERIE

Brian… it’s a few days late, but it’d mean a lot to me if you could accept this gift. I know we said we’d never mention the vents again, but… it’s tough to forget something like that, huh?

BRIAN

Yeah… (LOOKING IN VALERIE’S EYES, MUTTERING) It’s tough to forget someone like that.

Valerie hands Brian the gift. Brian undoes the ribbon. Beneath it there’s a note that reads: “For Brian. The only person I could tolerate for two days straight!” Brian chuckles and opens the gift.

There’s a green parka inside. Brian unfurls it, and stares at it, silent.

VALERIE

I felt bad that my escape plan got your old parka ruined. I figured… You might like a new one.

BRIAN

Holy shit… This thing’s so nice!

VALERIE

I’m glad you like it!

Brian lays it on himself and cozies up.

As he looks up to Valerie, Brian puts his fingers up to his neck – a motion he’s done many times before.

As Brian drifts to sleep, the last thing he thinks about is his own surprise at how fast his heart was beating.

FADE OUT:

THE END


	5. Oz Dies

FADE IN:

INT. SPOOKY HIGH, AUDITORIUM – MORNING

Oz stands on the stage, sweating through his clothes.

Before him sits the entire student body. Everyone’s gathered in the auditorium, and right now, they’re all looking up at him. It’s deathly silent.

Cut back to Oz, who’s managed to break new frontiers of nervous fidgeting. Oz looks to behind the curtain backstage where he finds Miranda, confused and concerned. She mouths the question “What’s the matter?” at Oz. Oz just blinks a few times. Pan over to beside him, where the principal waits impatiently with his arms (legs) folded.

PRINCIPAL GIANT SPIDER

… Mr. Oz—

OZ

(RATTLED) AAH! Y-yes?!

PGS

Have you perhaps… _forgotten_ why you’re up here?

OZ

I have to… introduce my club…

pgs

Yes…?

OZ

To the school. Because it’s club week. And I’m trying to get new m-… members.

PGS

… Yes.

BEAT.

PGS (CONT’D)

… Go on, now. We don’t… have all day…

OZ

Ok, Um-

Silence. Oz still fidgets. He hazards a look at Miranda, who exasperatedly motions for him to speak. Oz turns back to the school and, with a deep breath…

OZ

… My name’s Oz.

BEAT.

Miranda slowly puts her face in her hands. 

The principal raises an eyebrow. Oz notices this and takes it as a hint to say something more.

oz

I, um… (MOTIONING TO CARDIGAN) I like the color yellow. It’s… (TRAILING OFF) favorite color…

Someone coughs.

OZ

J-… join the art club, please.

A thud is heard in the back of the auditorium.

Polly’s fallen so deep asleep she’s slipped off her chair. Adjacent students help her back up.

Oz sees this and feels a little distraught. He turns his gaze to Miranda again, who seems to be thinking of a way to salvage this catastrophe. Luckily… she finds it.

Miranda raises a hand from backstage.

PGS 

Ah, Miranda. Do you have anything to add?

Miranda walks onstage and takes the mic the principal hands her.

MIRANDA

Oz.

OZ

Y-… yeah?

MIRANDA

What kind of monster are you?

As soon as the words escape Miranda’s mouth, the entire crowd goes wild. Clearly this exact query was on everyone’s mind. Practically everyone’s excitedly corroborating the question. 

VICKY

Are we finally gonna find out what he is?!

LIAM

Oz’ heritage revealed… (CRYING) to think I’d see the day…

DAMIEN

I’m taking bets, alright?! I got 500 on he’s just a really unclean slime!

VERA

(MUTTERING, HANDS CLASPED) Please God, make him something I can kill…

Oz takes a step back, overwhelmed at the sudden interest.

PGS

Well, Oz?

OZ

U-UM--!

Everyone quiets down immediately. This silence isn’t awkward, though, It’s intense. Everyone’s listening, waiting with bated breath for what Oz is about to say next.

Oz is trembling.

OZ

(STAMMERING) Uh- so, uh… The thing about that is…

Everyone moves forward just a little bit.

oz

… I’ll tell everyone, I uh-- I just gotta! Takesomethingfrommybag,bye!!

Oz runs into the curtain behind him.

BEAT.

PGS

… He’s coming back, right?

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, AUDITORIUM, BACKSTAGE – CONTINUOUS

Oz hurriedly zips his backpack open and rifles through the contents. One of Oz’ phobias appears and speaks to him in a language only he understands.

OZ

What do you _think_ I’m doing?! I have to go back out there with _some_ kind of a plan on what to tell them— I had no idea it was that big a deal!

The phobia speaks.

OZ

What?! _Obviously_ I can’t tell them what I actually am, what are you _insane?!_ Now shut up and help me look through my bag! What do I have in here? (TAKING OUT TEXTBOOKS) Books? Useless!

Oz throws the books aside.

OZ

(TAKING OUT MANGA) Manga? U--… useless…

Oz sneakily puts the manga back in the backpack.

OZ

(TAKING OUT SCISSORS) Scissors? For arts and crafts, so a little _less_ useless.

Oz takes out a big blanket from his bag.

OZ

Huh? Oh, this thing…

The phobia asks Oz a question.

OZ

This is just a blanket I bought from the thrift store. I was going to use this as a tarp for the art club… Wait.

Oz looks at the blanket for a beat… Then at the scissors in his hands… and inspiration strikes.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, AUDITORIUM – CONTINUOUS

The students are still waiting for Oz to return.

PGS

Oz? Are you still out there?

OZ

(FROM BACKSTAGE) I sure am!

The school rumbles with excitement.

OZ

Ok, is everyone ready?

The school answers with a resounding yes.

OZ

My name’s Oz, and--!!

Oz swings the curtains aside and jumps into view.

He’s… wearing the white blanket. Two holes have been crudely cut out for eyes. This is, in no uncertain terms…

OZ (cont’d)

I’m actually a GHOST!!

… The worst ghost costume of all time.

OZ

(SPOOKY) Boooooo…!

Everyone is dead quiet. For a beat.

Until…

OZ

U-Um…

The school erupts in raucous cheer! Everyone starts applauding. People start chanting—

SCHOOL

(CHANT) GHOST! GHOST! GHOST! GHOST!

TITLE: “OZ DIES”

THEME SONG

ACT ONE

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, HALLWAYS – NOON

Oz – wearing his sheet – walks through the hallways feeling like hot shit. Everyone he walks by gives him props.

STUDENT #1

Hey, wassup Oz!

OZ

Hello!

STUDENT #2

Oh shit, it’s Oz!! Everyone, Oz is here!

OZ

Yep, it’s me!

STUDENT #3

Hey Oz, catch this!

The student throws a football at Oz. Oz cooly puts a hand up to catch it, but it just whiffs.

STUDENT #3

… Almost!

OZ

Almost!

STUDENT #4

Hey Oz!

The student, a girl, calls out to Oz. Oz stops and points finger guns at her.

OZ

Wh-what’s up?

STUDENT #4

Nothing much! Just wanted to know if you wanted to come to my party this weekend.

Oz points finger guns at her again.

OZ

(NERVOUS) H-haha!

STUDENT #4

… So, do you wanna come or—

Oz points finger guns at her a third time.

OZ

Woo!

STUDENT #4

… Uh—

Oz walks away, still pointing finger guns at people.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, LOCKERS - CONTINUOUS

Oz gets to his locker. He seems really pleased with himself as he inputs the combination, but when he opens the locker his smile fades. One of his phobias is inside with its hands on its little hips. 

OZ

Wh-… what? What is it?

The phobia says nothing, rather he sighs and shakes his head.

oz

(NERVOUS) H-hey! Speak up, would you, haha, you’re gonna make me feel like I’m doing something _wrong_ right now…

PHOBIA

(SPEAKING)

OZ

Alright, I’m not “lying”, ok? If you really think about it, like if you squint your eyes, aren’t I _technically_ a ghost?

PHOBIA

(SPEAKING)

OZ

Ok, I get where you’re coming from but… can’t we overlook this just once?

PHOBIA

(SPEAKING, SCOLDING)

OZ

Listen, I’m sorry, ok? But things are great for me right now, look: One hour after I put this thing on and suddenly everybody loves me! People say “hi”, and “bye” and “what’s up”, and--

MIRANDA (O.S.)

Salutations!

OZ

(NOTICING MIRANDA) AAAH!!

Miranda’s been here the whole time, by the way. Oz whips around and smashes his locker closed.

MIRANDA

Hello, shadowy—or should I say, _ghostly_ friend!

OZ

Oh, phew… it’s just you Miranda.

miranda

Oh please, no need to be so formal. You may call me ‘Miri’ like the other people I respect.

OZ

You… (TOUCHED) You respect me…??

MIRANDA

Not especially, but you seem popular right now and I’d rather allow you this kindness than let Vera or some other harlot co opt your popularity for their own personal gain. 

OZ

Aw, man…

MIRANDA

Refrain from your bemoaning, ghostly friend, with school council elections just around the corner it’s only natural that I’d employ tactics like this. It’s just politics, as they say.

OZ

Politics hurt my feelings…

MIRANDA

Aw, cheer up. Why don’t you and I go…

Miranda pulls out her phone and opens a list on her notes app titled “THINGS THAT MAKE PEASANTS HAPPY”. Miranda scrolls down until she reaches…

MIRANDA (CONT’D)

Eat some food…?

OZ

Eat some food?! I _love_ eating food!

MIRANDA

(PATRONIZING) Oh Oz… I know.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CAFETERIA – LATER

Liam is in the lunch line, holding his tray, rambling as usual.

LIAM

… All that being considered, it’s only natural to conclude that all of Andy Warthog’s greatest pieces were almost _entirely_ plagiarized from his estranged younger brother Bruce. They’re exceedingly hard to locate, but I highly suggest finding Bruce Warthog’s original _32 cans of beans_. At first glance all of the cans of beans look identical, but if you look closely… one of the cans is _slightly_ larger.

Liam nods slowly, pensive, admiring.

REVERSE SHOT: Mephistophelinda, the lunch lady, stares through Liam, hatred for her job burning in her gaze. 

BEAT.

MEPHISTOPHELINDA

… So do you want the deep dish pizza or regular?

LIAM

I’ll take a regular pizza-

Mephistophelinda moves to grab the regular pizza.

LIAM (CONT’D)

But!

Mephistophelinda growls in frustration and dread.

LIAM

Remove all toppings. No meat… no cheese… no sauce. Just dough.

Mephistophelinda glares at Liam and grabs a regular pizza, scraping all the toppings off of it.

LIAM

And also, could I get one leaf of parsley, please—

Mephistophelinda drops a parsley on the pizza and hands it to Liam.

MEPHISTOPHELINDA

I’m making you pay double.

LIAM

I’d gladly pay triple, art is priceless.

Liam takes his food, and haughtily walks over to the table he’s always sat at, only to find…

LIAM

What in the world…

Miranda excitedly taking selfies with Oz, still donning his terrible ghost costume. One problem though:

LIAM

Ahem? Miranda? What’s Oz doing in my seat?

MIRANDA

Oh! Salutations, Liam! Apologies for commandeering this cafeteria table – I simply HAD to take some pictures with our newly unveiled ghost friend and-

LIAM

(INTERRUPTING) This seat has the best lighting in the cafeteria, yes.

Miranda nods and goes back to taking pictures with Oz.

LIAM

Ahem?!

MIRANDA

Oh, you’re still here.

LIAM

Miranda, I hope you had fun, but I’d like my seat back now.

MIRANDA

What do you mean? We were here first! Right, Oz?

OZ

I um, I don’t like confrontation so I’d like to be taken out of this, please.

MIRANDA

… Exactly, this seat rightfully belongs to us!

OZ

You really just hear what you want to, huh…

LIAM

Miranda, I could not even _begin_ to list the sins I’ve committed JUST so I could claim singular ownership of the chair THIS buffoon in a drape is sitting on!

MIRANDA

(OFFENDED) Buffoon?!

OZ

(SCARED) Drape?! Wh-what drape?!

LIAM

Oh, you know _exactly_ what drape I’m referring to! You may have fooled the rest of our extremely dim-witted classmates, but don’t think you’ve gotten the wool – or rather –

Liam takes a corner of Oz’ sheet.

LIAM (CONT’D)

… The 100% Cotton - over my eyes. You’re not a ghost at all, are you Oz?!

Miranda slaps Liam’s hand away.

LIAM

O-ow!

MIRANDA

Jealousy is a powerful drug, Liam. Do not become addicted!

LIAM

I’m not jealous of this veiled cretin! He’s obviously just wearing a blanket with eyeholes cut in it!

MIRANDA

Is that so?! And how would you like it if we went around saying “Oh, Liam is just wearing a blanket with eyeholes cut in it!”

LIAM

Wait, what--?

Scott (O.S.)

Wait, is he really?!

Scott crawls up from under the table.

scott

Because if he is then Vera owes me a pizza!

LIAM

I’m… no, not at all.

SCOTT

Aw…

Scott slinks away.

BEAT.

OZ

… was he there the whole time?

LIAM

Don’t change the subject!

OZ

Eep!

LIAM

You say you’re a ghost, aren’t you? Then prove it! Show us a feat of ghostly magic!

MIRANDA

Ooh! Yes, do exactly that!

OZ

I um-

SCOTT

(BACK FROM UNDER THE TABLE) Is Oz gonna use ghost powers?!

OZ

I—

damien

(WALKING BY) Wait-- GHOST POWERS?!

Soon enough the entire cafeteria is transfixed on Oz, patiently waiting for him to perform his magic. Oz is ushered onto a table, quaking in fear. Students place a chair in front of him.

oz

Wh-what do you guys want me to do, exactly…?

RANDOM STUDENT (O.S.)

(FROM BACK OF CAFETERIA) Throw the chair!!

No sooner does the student make this request than the entire cafeteria starts chanting “THROW THE CHAIR!” at Oz. This only scares him further. Oz, in a fit of fear, throws his hands up ineffectively, and closes his eyes reflexively.

However, after a beat, the crowd erupts in cheers.

Oz slowly opens his eyes… the chair has been tossed across the room.

OZ

What-?!

LIAM

The-?!

MIRANDA

(SHRIEKING) AAAAAAA!! HE DID IT! (SHAKING SCOTT VIOLENTLY) HE DID ITTTT!

CROWD

OZ! OZ! OZ! OZ!

Oz, beneath the blanket, looks around him. After all this time, he’s adored by the people of this school. A bud of confidence springs within him. He turns to Liam.

OZ

So, Liam…

Oz tries to fold his arms, but since he’s under a sheet no one can see, so he unfolds and tries to like… grab some of the cloth to make it visually apparent that his arms are folded. It looks a little weird but whatever-

OZ

Ahem! So, Liam… (RAISING AN EYEBROW) Any questions?

BEAT.

OZ

(CONT’D) I’m raising an eyebrow right now, I don't know if anybody can see it-

The crowd interrupts him by cheering, turning on Liam. Someone throws a tomato at him, but Liam dodges.

LIAM

Wha- hey! Who threw that?!

DAMIEN

(TO CROWD) Yeah, you oughta throw like, garlic or something.

A member of the crowd says “Oh yeah” before throwing garlic at Liam, which he also dodges.

LIAM

Stop that!!

SCOTT

(LISTING) Alright now throw Onions, some seasonings, Mozzarella, parmesan…

LIAM

(FRUSTRATING) Would you stop inciting this crowd?! What is this, your grocery list?!

SCOTT

Sorry I’m just trying to complete your pizza over here. Why is it _just_ dough? I’m hungry by the way, can I eat it?

Liam sighs, utterly humiliated. He sadly starts walking out of the cafeteria.

LIAM

I’m… going to leave. (POINTING TO OZ) But this isn’t over. I swear, I’ll pay you back for this slight. That seat will be mine…

As he crosses the double doors, he gives Oz a cold look from behind his shoulder.

LIAM

(MENACING) One way or another. 

ACT TWO

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, OUTSIDE ART CLUB ROOM – LATER

Oz, still sheeted, stands beside the door to his art club flanked by Miranda. Tons of people are coming to tour his club, on account of his recent surge of popularity.

After a moment, a girl exits the room.

MIRANDA

(TO STUDENT) Thank you _so_ much for coming! How did you like the tour?

Student #5

Ah well… it was just like, an empty room with a couple paintings so I don’t know if we wanna call it a _tour_ exactly, it was more like a perusal, I guess—

MIRANDA

I’m glad you loved it!

STUDENT #5

S-… sure?

MIRANDA

Oh! And while we’re on the subject of Council Elections—

STUDENT #5

We weren’t--?

MIRANDA

(INTERRUPTING) Please feel free – and by that I of course mean feel _obliged_ – to vote for me. I think you and I - and all your personal heroes, whoever they may be – can agree that this school would greatly benefit from having me at the helm.

STUDENT #5

I don’t know Miranda, you kind of give off intense vibes—

MIRANDA

(COMMANDING) Oz? Now.

OZ

I’m voting for Miranda.

STUDENT #5

(EXCITED) Oh my god, so was I! That’s like, _so_ crazy!

Miranda nods, satisfied, before ushering the student away.

STUDENT #5

Oh, by the way Oz, you coming to my friend’s party--?

Oz nervously points finger guns at the girl.

OZ

H-hey hey!

MIRANDA

He will if you vote for me, now shoo.

The girl walks off. Miranda turns back to Oz and sighs.

MIRANDA

On one hand, I’m glad the tactic is working, but on the other it’s a little -Oh, who am I fooling, it’s _incredibly_ demeaning that I have to rely on you as a crutch to secure votes I am by all rights _owed_ …

OZ

Honestly, it’s u-um… it’s a little unsettling.

MIRANDA

Hm? What is?

OZ

Well… y’know… _why_ am I so popular all of a sudden? I mean, I’m just a ghost. That’s not all that… _special_ is it?

Miranda stares at Oz like he’s crazy.

MIRANDA

… Oz, are you addled?

OZ

Am I what now?

MIRANDA

How many ghosts do you know?

OZ

I know—

MIRANDA

Besides Polly.

BEAT.

Oz’ eyes widen. Underneath the sheet.

OZ

(REALIZING) Holy crap.

MIRANDA

Holy C-word indeed. Ghosts are exceedingly rare! They're incredible, once in a lifetime creatures! To defy death itself and return to the world of the living is a feat achieved by only a percentile of a percentile of monsters. No shortage of people would _kill_ to get the chance to even breathe the same air as one! I mean, forget _knowing,_ how many ghosts have you even _seen_?

OZ

You mean recently?

MIRANDA

I mean _ever._

OZ

(RACKING HIS BRAIN) Uhh… n-not… many…

MIRANDA

None, exactly. Oz, you ought to be more mindful of your surroundings… what you are is incredibly special. Your species are a key contributor to both your and Polly’s immense popularity! And…

Miranda looks around and motions for Oz to come closer so she can whisper in his ear.

MIRANDA

It could contribute to both your and Polly’s relationship developing.

OZ

R-really…?

MIRANDA

I won’t say that it’s guaranteed but… you have a solid base with her already as acquaintances, don’t you? Before there might’ve been a social divide between you but that’s a thing of the past! You’re both popular, and you’re both ghosts! I’d say that’s basis for all _manner_ of romance!

OZ

(FLUSTERED) A-a-all manner of romance??

MIRANDA

Not to get overzealous, but if I were Polly, and I saw the one and only other ghost I know… Marriage would be the only thing on my mind.

Miranda swoons.

MIRANDA

Haa… I wish I could have it so simple. Don’t you agree?

Oz doesn’t respond.

MIRANDA

Oz?

INT. SPOOKY HIGH – BATHROOM – AFTERNOON

Oz is in the bathroom, sheet folded neatly beside him. He’s washing his face and looking in the mirror.

OZ

Alright Oz, pull it together… pull it together…

Oz washes his face again before fiddling with his hair, nervous.

oz

D-dating… M-marriage… s-… s-stuff after marriage…!

A phobia spawns from within the drape. It’s glaring at Oz.

OZ

Wh-what?

The phobia says nothing.

OZ

(GETTING ANGRIER) What? What is it, speak up!

PHOBIA

(SPEAKING)

OZ

Oh, shut it! _Now_ you’re worried about my “well being” and “reputation if the truth gets out”? I just jumped every rung on the ladder between me and my dream girl thanks to this sheet! So guess what? I’m _never_ taking this thing off!

PHOBIA

(SPEAKING, ALARMED)

OZ

You heard me!

PHOBIA

(SPEAKI—

oz

(SNAPPING) Zip it! I don’t wanna hear it!

The phobia flinches at Oz’ outburst.

Oz goes back to fiddling with his hair.

OZ

… We never had a thing in common before. Everything about me bored her. But things are different now, aren’t they? Before I was just another guy, but now… I’m a ghost too. I’m popular… people like me… I’m special, just like she is.

Oz glances at the sheet.

OZ

(CONT’D) I made up the ghost thing to hide what I really was… but I’m starting to think it wasn’t a fluke I landed on ‘ghost’. Maybe, deep down… it’s true. Wouldn’t that explain everything? Everything different about me, and… (LOOKING DOWN) The way I feel about her, as well… could it be because we’re the same? (STEELING HIMSELF) This is my chance. This is it-!

Oz grabs the drape and puts it on.

OZ

This is what I’ve been waiting for all this time! Me and Polly are gonna date!

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, LOCKERS – MEANWHILE

Vera leans on her locker, utterly disinterested as Liam bows before her, hands clasped.

VERA

… No.

LIAM

Please! I _beg_ you, Vera!

VERA

And you’re free to do so for as long as you want. I am not going to help you and your ill-considered plan.

LIAM

“ill-considered”?! My plan is fool-proof!

VERA

(DEADPAN) What a strange way to pronounce “utterly asinine”, I’m guessing it’s regional dialect from whichever hole you crawled out of?

LIAM

Clearly my genius is lost on you. It seems I need to explain it again.

VERA

Liam, I will eviscerate you if you dare—

LIAM

The plan is thus:

Vera seethes silently.

LIAM

Oz had the sheer, unmitigated _gall_ to steal my cafeteria chair, so I’m thinking I ought to steal something _he_ values dearly, following me so far?

VERA

(FURIOUS) Uh-huh…?

LIAM

Well, what would cause him more pain than having his crush’s love stolen from him!

vera

(ENRAGED) Uh… Huh?

LIAM

And so! I would like you to refer me to a hireable master of seduction so I can get him to steal Polly away, to get back at Oz for sitting on my cafeteria chair.

Liam bows.

LIAM

(CONT’D) Please.

Vera sighs.

LIAM

What’s wrong?

VERA

Sorry, I’m just… disappointed that God let this happen. (FUMING) Liam, did I fall into a fucking coma and miss the part where I said I gave a shit about _any_ of this?

liam

(NERVOUS) W-well--!

VERA

No. You’ve spoken more than enough. The only thing I want to hear right now is an apology from both of your parents for raising you to think I would _ever_ give even the _trace_ of a fuck about your pointless preoccupations. Honestly, calling it a “problem” is so charitable I deserve a fucking tax write-off for saying it.

LIAM

Ver--!

VERA

Shut it.

Vera turns on a dime and walks away.

VERA

I have exactly five trillion things more worth my time than—

liam

Miranda’s running for council president and _she’s_ friends with Oz. That doesn’t mean anything to you?! She's co opting his popularity for her own personal gain! 

Vera stops.

BEAT.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, LIBRARY – LATER

Vera rustles the contents of her purse, looking adamantly.

VERA

You need a seducer, right?

LIAM

Right.

Vera pulls out a blue and white walkie-talkie from her purse. It’s covered in star patterns, even the antenna has a little star on it.

VERA

Here. This should do the trick.

Vera hands the device to Liam, who looks it over carefully.

LIAM

This is… Are you sure this’ll work? You’re not ripping me off, are you?

VERA

If I wanted to rip you off I wouldn't have brought you to a secondary location. Believe me, I’m no more pleased than you are at Oz circumventing my meticulously established school hierarchy with his… (SPITEFULLY) Tablecloth cosplay…

LIAM

(CRAZED, STEPPING FORWARD) RIGHT?! It boggles the mind! Are we the only sane people left in this den of miscreants?!

VERA

(MUTTERING) How can we be the only ones left when we were the only ones from the start…? (TO LIAM) If you need someone that can carry out your plan at no cost and with no questions asked, that’s your guy. Just…

Vera winces.

VERA

(CONT’D) Summon him when I’m not around. I’m still getting over the last time.

LIAM

Oh my… If he’s good enough to give _you_ butterflies then he must be the best of the best!

Vera is visibly uncomfortable.

VERA

Right… butterflies…

Liam starts cackling.

LIAM

Finally! With this, my victory is assured! (WICKEDLY) Just you wait Oz, you may not know it yet but your downfall is sure to come… enjoy your days of peace while you still can! MUAHAHAHA!

Lighting strikes as Liam laughs maniacally.

Liam’s laughter is interrupted by Vera, as she taps him on the shoulder and wordlessly offers him a Xanax.

LIAM

… I’m ok, Vera.

Vera raises an eyebrow and brings the Xanax closer to him.

LIAM

You know, I _am_ a vampire. Even I like feeling like a villain sometimes.

Vera puts the Xanax in Liam’s pocket. Liam just maintains a deadpan expression for a beat.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, ART CLUB – LATE AFTERNOON

Polly bursts through the door.

POLLY

Wooo! Polly in dis bitch!!!

The rest of the visitors are startled, but don’t say anything before wordlessly returning to their visit.

POLLY

(AWKWARD) … Woo?

Polly turns to find Miranda and taps her on the shoulder.

POLLY

Uhh, hey? Miri?

MIRANDA

(BEWILDERED) Polina?! You’re here?

POLLY

Yeah? Yeah, girl, I’m here! Woo!

MIRANDA

Huh…

Polly glances around at the room.

POLLY

Nice digs! You really went all out on this.

MIRANDA

Aw! Thank you, Polly.

Miranda hands a pamphlet to a student who’s leaving the tour.

POLLY

Bunch of squares in here though, usually when I say I’m in “dis bitch” people turn up at least a _little._

MIRANDA

(CONFUSED) Well, it is an… art exhibit…

POLLY

So? I’m “a… boss ass bitch”, if anyone’s gonna turn this place up it _should_ be me, right? _Right?_

DAMIEN

(O.S.) Don’t bother, I tried already.

Polly turns to Damien, who’s currently posing nude for 3 students. He’s doing the birth of Venus. He looks traumatized.

DAMIEN

I tried. And this was the result. Please don’t try.

POLLY

Uhhhhhhhhhhhh—

Polly turns back to Miranda with a giddy expression on her face.

POLLY

And here I thought this shit was gonna be boring! Guess I took those tabs of acid for nothing, huh? They’re taking a while to kick in, though…

MIRANDA

Damien’s doing us a great service – he’s practically half the reason anyone’s visiting the club now! (SERIOUS) Of course, that’s very different from _being_ half. The art I – and Oz, but mostly I- created is to be the main appeal. If Damien’s body exceeds 49.9 repeating percent interest from visitors, I’m kicking him out immediately.

POLLY

You heard that Damien? Don’t get _too_ interesting!

DAMIEN

Dude, I don’t get why this is appealing to _anyone._ Why _me_ – and why _THIS_ pose of all poses?! Wouldn’t you rather put me in a cool pose, like the thinker or… uh…

POLLY

Yeah, rack your brain big guy. You know more than one piece of art for sure.

MIRANDA

Is “the thinker” even cool?

A student stops drawing for a second and looks up.

ART STUDENT #1

Actually, the juxtaposition between your macho energy and the overt femininity of the birth of Venus is very compelling to draw. There’s a lot of depth there, it can sort of symbolize a rejection of gender roles.

DAMIEN

W-well when you put it that way…

ART STUDENT #2

Right, it’s definitely what Sicily said and not that we wanted you to pose nude and didn’t have any ideas besides the birth of Venus off the top of our heads.

BEAT.

ART STUDENT #1

My name’s Sicily by the way, hi.

DAMIEN

Hi.

POLLY

They definitely just wanted to see his abs… you know, they should’ve asked him to do Myron’s Discus Thrower or something. That pose has a great stretch, really lets you show off his obliques.

miranda

(CONFUSED) Discus…

POLLY

Hm?

MIRANDA

You said the Discus Thrower?

POLLY

Yeah? It’s famous. Is that not the name?

MIRANDA

No…

POLLY

So…? What’s up?

MIRANDA

It’s just interesting! I didn’t think you knew…

POLLY

Knew… what?

Miranda blinks a few times.

MIRANDA

Nevermind.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, OUTSIDE CLUBROOM – CONTINUOUS 

Meanwhile, in the hallways, Liam walks evilly (he just sort of hops around like a goblin) toward the door to the clubroom. As he approaches, he hides behind the door peers at Polly through it. Some students walk by and give him looks.

LIAM

Alright… target acquired!

Cut to Vera standing behind Liam, generally disgusted and wholly disapproving.

BEAT.

Liam looks behind him.

LIAM

Vera, you didn’t need to follow me.

VERA

You don’t have the right to refuse being babysat, Mr. “Target Acquired”.

LIAM

I’m getting in _character!_ I’m the villain today!

VERA

Your self awareness is appreciated – but entirely worthless if you’re still going through with this idiocy.

LIAM

I’ll apologize to Polly later! For now though…

Liam pulls out the walkie-talkie.

LIAM

(MENACING, CONT’D) Oz has to _pay._

Liam presses the star shaped button.

LIAM

(CONT’D, THROUGH WALKIE-TALKIE) The girl’s here. Come in… now!

Vera sighs.

INT. ART CLUB – CONTINUOUS

Suddenly! A swirling portal opens in the middle of the clubroom.

Everyone jumps, frightened, but nothing else happens for a beat.

POLLY

… Was that it?

 _Suddenly!_ FWOOOOSH!

A seemingly endless amount of smoke bursts out from the portal, enveloping everyone. Everybody with lungs coughs. Polly is the exception.

From within the haze, we see a light illuminating an extremely gaudy looking figure.

???

Oh, to be allowed passage into this dimension once again! My heart broke in pieces when I received that interdimensional restraining order – but lo and behold! Truly the gods of romance have blessed me this day!

The shadow looks at everyone in the clubroom, who are still coughing up a lung.

???

Oh-ho! What a winsome little crowd we have here! Perfect for my comeback, wouldn’t you say?

The shadow claps its hands. All the smoke dissipates. Finally revealing--!

???

Ta-dah!

A blue haired man facing the opposite way from everyone.

BEAT.

The blue haired man turns around revealing--!

PRINCE

Ta-dah!!

The interdimensional prince presents himself with a flourish.

A single, tiny firework pops beside him.

PRINCE

Greetings, beautiful high schoolers! It is I, the Interdimensional Prince!

Polly, Damien and Miranda groan at the sight.

DAMIEN

Seriously, _this_ guy again?

MIRANDA

What is this ruffian doing here?! I thought Vera got rid of you!

INT. OUTSIDE CLUB ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Outside the Clubroom, Vera nods sadly.

VERA

And you’d be correct, Miranda. Unfortunately, _someone_ had some unreasonable demands.

Pan over to Liam, who’s so confused he’s disgusted.

LIAM

Vera… what the hell is this?!

Vera, for her part, just looks vaguely disappointed. She sighs.

VERA

(DESPONDENT) Surprise…

LIAM

I asked you for a master of seduction, why did— why is this salacious clown here instead?!

VERA

Can’t you guess?

Liam makes it obvious that he truly cannot. Vera rolls her eyes.

VERA

I was pranking you. It was a prank.

LIAM

Since… since when do you—

VERA

(COMPLETING) Since you started thinking you could sow something and not reap it.

LIAM

Vera, this is not what I asked for!

VERA

Good thing that it’s _exactly_ what you deserve then, isn’t it?

Vera turns and leaves.

Liam grinds his teeth and continues watching.

INT. ART CLUB – CONTINUOUS

 _Inside_ the club room, The prince glides over to Polly.

PRINCE

What do we have here? My darling, I must say you’ve utterly captured me! Your…

The prince looks at Polly’s breasts for a second.

PRINCE

(CONT’D) … Wonderful complexion is a sight to behold!

POLLY

Wow, subtle.

MIRANDA

That’s quite enough leering out of you! I urge you to leave this instant, or I’ll have you removed!

PRINCE

Now, now. If I’m here it’s entirely to your benefit! I’m here to rescue you!

MIRANDA 

(INTRIGUED) …Rescue?

Damien looks at the pose he’s in.

DAMIEN

(HOPEFUL) Rescue…?

PRINCE

Yes, rescue!

The prince pulls out a marriage certificate.

PRINCE

Rescue, from your mundane, celibate existence!

Everyone collectively groans again.

DAMIEN

You had me going there for a second, you know that?!

MIRANDA

You’re sorely mistaken if you think _this_ mediocre presentation is enough to earn my, or anyone’s, hand in marriage!

Polly tugs on the Prince’s shirt. The gaggle turns to her.

Her eyes are glazed over, and she’s got a vacant smile on her face. Her pupils are dilated.

POLLY

W-woah, you’re so sparkly…! Are those tearaway pants?!

BEAT.

MIRANDA

… I always forget to account for Polly, don’t I? (TO POLLY) Polly, those drugs kicked in, didn’t they?

Polly nods 30 times in 3 seconds.

The prince grabs Polly’s hand.

PRINCE

Sadly, they are not, my queen. My fashion sense does not operate on the same ethereal plane as your own.

POLLY

Well, I am persistently on fleek…

DAMIEN

You know she’s high ‘cause we haven’t said ‘fleek’ in years.

MIRANDA

Let’s not bring this up with her, she’ll be embarrassed enough as it is.

PRINCE

It is this exact on-fleekness which I seek! For you see, I need a fashionista such as yourself to plan the ULTIMATE wedding…

The prince puts a pen in Polly’s (shaking) hand. He puts up the marriage contract.

PRINCE

(CONT’D) … Ours.

POLLY

Ours???

Polly grabs the pen and the contract.

INT. OUTSIDE CLUBROOM – CONTINUOUS

Liam looks at Polly about to sign a very permanent, very legally binding marriage certificate and laughs evilly to himself.

LIAM

(LAUGHING) HAHAHA! My EVIL plan is working out perfectly! Somehow! I definitely don’t regret doing this… EVIL thing to Polly in the slightest! (TERRIFIED) T-this was a good idea.

OZ

E-Evil plan?!

Liam jumps, startled by Oz suddenly right next to him. His eyes dart to the classroom and back.

LIAM

… Ok, before you say anything—

INT. CLUBROOM – CONTINOUS

Polly’s about to sign the paper until--!

OZ

(O.S.) Not so fast!

Oz bursts through the door! The clubroom erupts in cheer at his arrival!

MIRANDA

Oz!

DAMIEN

WHOA!

prince

Gasp! An underworld spectre! Of inferior attractiveness to Polly!

OZ

You bet your ass I am! Take _this_ creepazoid!

Oz grabs a rock and throws it at the prince!

OZ

(RE: THROWING ROCK) HMMF!

The rock…! Crashes through a window like, a meter away from the Prince and Polly.

BEAT.

OZ

… Almost! 

DAMIEN

Dude how do you whiff _that_ bad from 5 feet away?

OZ

Why are you naked?

DAMIEN

We’re not fuckin’ going over this again, alright, just accept it.

PRINCE

You vile cur! How dare you throw a rock at me! You may have missed but the psychological damage I took from being ruthlessly _assaulted_ may scar me for life!

OZ

FIRST off, it wasn’t a rock, it was a GHOST rock!

The clubroom cheers.

OZ

It’s like a rock but ghostlier! And SECOND off, You’re the one forcing people into marriage!

PRINCE

Forcing is a strong word, I believe? Honestly, this interaction has a lot more consent in it than my average. I didn’t even have to call my armies, like usual!

OZ

Don’t lie to me! You’re telling me you’re not forcing her? There’s no way Polly’d ever marry you!

PRINCE

Oh _really_? And who, pray tell, would she rather take as a spouse than someone as handsome, rich and humble as I?

OZ

Heh! Isn’t it obvious?

BEAT.

PRINCE

… No.

DAMIEN

Nope.

Liam shakes his head from outside the door.

OZ

Me! _Obviously_ me! I’d be _way_ better for her than you!

The clubroom gasps.

OZ

That’s right, I like Polly! And there’s no way in hell I’m letting you steal her from me!

PRINCE

(SCOFFING) That’s preposterous! You’ve got nothing to offer her!

OZ

(CONFRONTATIONAL) You wanna bet, buddy?

The prince and Oz glare at one another.

POLLY

(O.S.) Uh…

The boys turn to Polly, who’s borne witness to this whole debacle.

POLLY

(CONT’D) Shiny guy? I’m trying to write my name on the contract, but I forgot.

PRINCE

You forgot… where to sign?

POLLY

No, I forgot my name. I’m sure it started with a…

BEAT.

POLLY

… Letter of the alphabet.

OZ

I knew something was fishy about this, you got her high before showing her the contract! You knew Polly couldn’t say no to drugs!

POLLY

Uh…?

prince

I’ve done no such thing!

The prince and Oz keep arguing. On the other side of the room, Miranda thinks. She looks at the men fighting, then to Polly between them. She sees Liam foaming at the mouth outside the clubroom’s door. Finally, she notices students in the room tweeting about Oz’ confession and getting ridiculous engagement.

Light bulb.

As the boys keep arguing, Miranda walks over.

MIRANDA

Gentlemen, please control yourselves. I have a perfectly rational solution that will solve this argument and satisfy _everyone_ involved.

The prince and Oz look at Miranda quizzically. Miranda whispers in their ears, and their eyes widen in shock. Both of them turn to Polly, who’s still trying to remember her name. She finally notices she’s involved in this.

POLLY

(CONFUSED) H-huh…?

EXT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, OUTDOORS – EVENING

A massive crowd has assembled in the yard. They all look up at Miranda, who’s standing upon an ostentatious, neon gameshow stage. Miranda grabs a mic. Cameramen count her down.

CAMERA OPERATOR

Aaaand, Action!

MIRANDA

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for--!

CROWD & MIRANDA

(FINISHING) --The interdimensional Bachelorette!

The crowd goes wild as pyrotechnics flare up.

Cut to Polly, sitting on an ornate throne on the stage. Oz and the Prince stand on opposite sides of her before Podiums. The contestants (Oz and the Prince) stare each other down. Liam observes all this from a director's chair a ways away.

MIRANDA

The one and only high stakes game where the prize is true love! I’m already at the edge of my seat!

Polly looks around, truly baffled.

prince

Polly, My love! Please wait for me, I’ll win without further delay!

OZ

In your dreams!

POLLY

Uhhhhhhh???? Miranda? Can I talk to you for a sec?

After prompting for a short break, Miranda walks over to Polly and massages her shoulders. Her hands just phase through, so she gives up fairly quickly.

MIRANDA

Polina! How are you feeling?

POLLY

Lost? Lost, mostly.

MIRANDA

I don’t blame you. You took a lot of drugs, didn’t you?

POLLY

(IRRITATED) Actually, I didn’t take _that_ much, I’m kind of coming off it right now—

MIRANDA

Polly! Guess what??

POLLY

… _What?_

Miranda scrolls through her “THINGS THAT MAKE PEASANTS HAPPY” list and lands on “Being on a gameshow”.

MIRANDA

You’re on a gameshow!

POLLY

(EXCITED) I’M ON A GAMESHOW?!

Polly lights up and waves at the crowd. The crowd cheers at being acknowledged.

miranda

(CONDESCENDING) You sure are!

POLLY

You should’ve told me, Miri! Am I a contestant??

MIRANDA

No!

Polly’s smile drops a little.

MIRANDA

(SMILING) You’re the prize!

Polly’s smile finishes dropping.

POLLY

(FLUMMOXED) What the… fuck? 

MIRANDA

(TO CROWD) That’s right, everyone! The _interdimensional Bachelorette_ ’s prize is-!

CROWD & MIRANDA

(FINISHING) – Polly’s! Hand in! Marriage!

POLLY

(ENRAGED) What the fuck?!

Polly whips around just in time to see a massive sign drop down reading exactly that. A spotlight turns on revealing a wedding dress being wheeled on stage, along with a white arch, flowers and a complementary priest. The crowd cheers.

POLLY

(FURIOUS) What the FUCK?!

Miranda turns away from Polly.

POLLY

(ANGRY) Hey, Miri! Mind telling me what the hell you think you’re doing!? I don’t remember agreeing to this!

Miranda hazards a glance at Polly before leaving to talk to Oz.

POLLY

HEY!

Polly tries to get up, but… she can’t. Her arm’s chained to the throne. Polly tries to free herself, enraged.

POLLY

I THOUGHT YOU SAID THIS WOULD SATISFY EVERYBODY!

Miranda, now over by Oz, shakes her head condescendingly.

MIRANDA

Classic Polly. Listen to her yell her head off… Ha! She’s so high, isn’t she?

OZ

(CONCERNED) U-uhhh, I don’t know about all this, Miranda…

MIRANDA

Oz, do I need to remind you you agreed to this? (THREATENING) Or should I get another chain?

OZ

No! No, no, I-it’s just… when you told us the idea, I didn’t think it’d be a huge production like this – I mean the guys who did Game of Thrones are filming this!

MIRANDA

So they are! (COLD) What’s your point?

OZ

… I, um… I’m starting to think this might not—

MIRANDA

Might not what? “Be a good idea”? Oz, we’re past whether this is a good idea or not. Do you want the Prince – and by extension _Liam_ – to win?!

OZ

W-well, no—

MIRANDA

Exactly! In case you haven’t noticed yet, I’m doing this for you!

OZ

Y-you are?

MIRANDA

What aren’t you understanding about this? You like Polly, don’t you?

OZ

Yes, but—

MIRANDA

Well if you win this game, you’ll get married to her! Isn’t this exactly what you want? What aren’t you satisfied with?

OZ

I just… don’t know if _she_ wants to be married to _me_ , y’know, h-haha… Or to be part of this game show at all, more importantly.

miranda

Polly doesn’t know what she wants. That’s why _your_ job is to know _exactly_ what _you_ want. You want to get with Polly? You’ll never get a better shot than this. This’ll be clear in a second, but trust me, this game is totally in your favor. And besides, deep down, Polly doesn’t really _mind_ being married to you!

POLLY

(YELLING) I DON’T WANNA MARRY EITHER OF THESE GUYS! MIRANDA!!!

MIRANDA

Haha! Polly loves joking, doesn’t she?

oz

(FRIGHTENED) “Joking”?!

MIRANDA

She’ll see, this is totally to her benefit. Polly’s nowhere NEAR mature enough to find a husband on her own – I’d been meaning to do this for a while actually. Just be yourself alright? Oh and, make sure to say that you’re voting for me in council elections. You get bonus points for saying it.

Miranda trots away.

miranda

Say it every round!

Oz fidgets, stressed out. He glances at Polly, who’s still trying to remove the chain. He gulps.

Miranda motions for the cameras to come back on.

MIRANDA

Hello everyone! Sorry for that short interruption! Without further ado, let us start—

CROWD

(FINISHING) --The interdimensional Bachelorette!

miranda

Yes, yes, of course we’ve gone over this already.

OZ

W-Wait! You haven’t explained the game—

MIRANDA

(CONTINUING) The objective of the game is thus:

OZ

(MUTTERING) Oh, I guess she was going to.

MIRANDA

The game will last 5 rounds. In every round, I’ll ask a random Polly-related question I draw from this hat of random Polly-related questions.

Miranda puts up a top hat filled with papers.

MIRANDA

(CONT’D) Fun fact, I actually made this a while ago. Glad I get to use it!

OZ

I guess that explains why the hat is so low budget when everything else is super professional…

MIRANDA

After I read the question, the contestants – that’s Oz and the Interdimensional Prince – will write what they think the answer is on their whiteboards.

Oz takes the whiteboard he’s had on his podium and looks on the back of it. It’s got a tag on it from the dollar store.

OZ

I guess the camera budget had to come from somewhere…?

MIRANDA

Then, once the writing period’s done, everyone reveals their answer at the same time! Whichever of the boys has the correct answer wins a point! Most points at the end wins! So you see, _Polly_ , among the gameshow-related ways to find a mate, isn’t this the most acceptable? The winner has to be the one that knows the most about you! Haha, so stop struggling!

Polly’s trying to bite the chain that’s restraining her.

Miranda huffs and snaps her fingers. A serf brings her a suitcase with the words “COMPLIANCE BOX” written on it. She flips it open to reveal it’s filled with meticulously organized, categorized and systematized drugs and liquors. She peers through the contents. She comes upon a vial labeled “SPIRYTUS VODKA (96% ALCOHOL)”.

miranda

(DISSATISFIED) Hmmm…

Miranda looks one vial over and sees a substance labeled  
“2 SPIRYTUS 2 VODKA: TOKYO DRIFT (120% ALCOHOL)”.

MIRANDA

(SATISFIED) There we go. Give her this.

The serf nods and grabs vial, while two other serfs restrain Polly.

MIRANDA

Give her some opioids too, I want her to have at least a _little_ fun.

The serf nods again and grabs some pills. He approaches the struggling Polly and syphons a syringe full of the liquor. They inject it, while forcing down the pills. Polly immediately recoils at the strength of what she’s ingested. After an instant, however, her pupils re-dilate and she slumps in her seat, chuckling to herself.

POLLY

(LOOPY) H-heheheh… I’m on a gaaameshoooow…

BEAT.

Oz is rightly terrified at what he’s just seen. He looks back to his podium where he sees one of his phobias glaring at him.

Oz smashes his fist on the phobia and it gets re-absorbed.

MIRANDA

Let the game BEGIN!

The crowd roars! Polly half-mindedly cheers, getting more glass-eyed by the second.

MIRANDA

Question one:

Oz and the Prince get very serious. There’s a palpable intensity in the air as everyone awaits the first trial these contestants will have to overcome—

MIRANDA

… What is Polly’s last name?

… And there it went.

Oz raises an eyebrow at this, most basic of queries.

OZ

Um… Miranda? Is that really the question?

Miranda winks at Oz in an overt manner before motioning to the Prince who is having, and this cannot be overstated, an utter mental breakdown trying to answer this question.

PRINCE

Last name… what’s her Last name…!

The prince sweats buckets. Literally, a serf has put a pail next to his feet to catch the errant sweat.

OZ

… Well I know the answer, it’s—

MIRANDA

Tut-tut-tut! On the whiteboard please, we bought them for a reason.

Oz rolls his eyes and writes Polly’s last name on the whiteboard.

OZ

(RE: SHOWING GEIST) It’s Geist—

MIRANDA

 _Tut-tut-tut-tut!_ That’s an incomplete answer, _remember?_ Oz, do you remember the um, the thing? You know…

OZ

… (REALIZING) Oh—

MIRANDA

It’s ok, you get to complete the answer – (TO CROWD) Um, Bonus--… Round one bonus, Oz gets to complete the answer, surprise rule everybody! (EXPECTANT) Oz? If you’d please?

Oz writes something else on the whiteboard.

OZ

(UNCOMFORTABLE) It’s Geist, and I’m voting for Miranda in the student council elections…?

MIRANDA

CORRECT!!

Fireworks shoot from the stage! An incredibly loud and flashy victory light show flares up onstage, with everyone in the crowd yelling and chanting Oz’ name.

CROWD

OZ! OZ! OZ! OZ!

Oz bashfully waves to the crowd. His mood is starting to lift.

OZ

(TO HIMSELF) Ok…! Th-this might not be so bad! Miranda’s right, if all the questions are this easy, I have the advantage, on account of… having spoken to Polly more than one time! (TO PRINCE) Say your prayers Prince! I’m marrying Polly for sure!

The crowd goes wild.

OZ

AND I’m voting MIRANDA!!

The crowd cheers their heads off.

MIRANDA

Question two:

Everyone quiets down. The intensity is back, somehow. The prince has stopped sweating, which is appreciated by everyone.

MIRANDA

… What is Polly’s… favorite drink?

OZ

Easy! I know this one.

PRINCE

Phew! An easy one.

OZ

(CONFUSED) Wait, why do _you_ think it’s easy?

The Prince is too busy writing to pay attention to Oz. Oz brushes this off and writes on his own board.

MIRANDA

Time’s up, contestants! What do you have to show for it?

OZ

(COCKY) What have I got to show for it?! BOOM!

Oz reveals his whiteboard.

OZ

(COCKY, CONT’D) The answers obviously her TOILET wine! Take that, Prince! AND I’m voting for Miranda! WOO!

Oz puts his fist up.

OZ

(CONT’D) Throw me a football!

BEAT.

Silence.

OZ

… Throw me a football, guys! I swear I’ll catch it this time!

MIRANDA

Ah… Um, Oz?

OZ

Wh-what? I mean I got the answer right, why’s there no… fireworks and stuff?

MIRANDA

That’s! Because…

Miranda tries to find the gentlest way to say it but gives up.

MIRANDA

(CONT’D) … It’s because that’s not the um… the right answer.

OZ

… Wait, what? How am I not… Polly’s toilet wine is like her whole thing! Why would that not be answer?

MIRANDA

Believe me, I’d love – and thoroughly expected - for that to have been the answer, because it’d mean you’d get a point instead of… (SIGHING) the Prince.

Oz whips around to see the Prince’s answer.

“Tequila”.

MIRANDA

As that is - against all odds, and against the everybody’s wishes – the correct answer, I will have to reluctantly add one point to the Prince’s total. No worries for the folks watching the recorded version of this, we will edit all of this out for the benefit of everyone. That said, for the live audience, let us observe a moment of silence for the fluke that was the Prince accurately guessing Polly’s favorite drink.

BEAT.

Liam’s the only one clapping.

PRINCE

Haha! One point for me!

MIRANDA

… Let us pray it never happens again. 

OZ

Wait… wait, hold on. Polly, you like Tequila?

Polly’s a little too checked out to hear him the first time.

OZ

Polly?

POLLY

Hrrrmm? Oh, what’s up… (SQUINTING) Oz?

Polly scans the draped Oz from top to bottom.

POLLY

(CONT’D) Wow, guess the rumors were true, huh. You really went full ghost on us…

OZ

Wait you’re just… just _now_ noticing? I’ve been a ghost all day— (CATCHING HIMSELF) uh, all my life!

POLLY

… That so?

OZ

(RESOLVE WEAKENING) Y-yep! That’s me, mister ghost. Just the ghostliest guy you ever… you’ve ever met.

polly

(JOKING) Mister ghost?? That was my dad’s name!

OZ

(SERIOUS) … Wait, really?

polly

Dude, no way! I’m kidding, obvz. Chill out man, someone taking my jokes too serious is how I died.

OZ

(ALARMED) Wait, REALLY?!

POLLY

… No.

OZ

Oh.

Oz fidgets. 

POLLY

To answer your question… just because I make a drink doesn’t mean that’s my favorite. Obviously, I like Tequila way more! I like, go to parties!

OZ

D-do they drink that at parties?

POLLY

Uhhhhhh, yeah?

OZ

That’s… I’m sorry, I didn’t know. I’ve never been to a party…

polly

(UNIMPRESSED) You’ve never been to a party?

OZ

(NERVOUS) I-I mean unless you count Monstropolis Comiccon!

POLLY

What’s a “Comiccon”?

OZ

(AWKWARD) It’s… Somewhere else I’ve never been because I’m too shy to buy a ticket… b-but I’ve thought about going! I _almost_ went once! H-haha…

POLLY

(UNAMUSED) … ok.

Oz… seems smaller. His confidence is fading.

MIRANDA

Alright! Enough of all that! Question three!

The Prince gets back to the intensity from before. Oz forces himself back in that mode.

MIRANDA

What is Polly’s… favorite book!

OZ

Easy!

PRINCE

Elementary!

Oz and the Prince write on their boards quick as lightning and slam them down on their podiums.

OZ

The Kama Sutra!

PRINCE

The Kama Sutra, extended edition!

OZ

DAMNIT! That exists?!

MIRANDA

(EXASPERATED) No…

OZ

HA! That book doesn’t even exist! I win the round by default!

MIRANDA

No, the extended edition exists. You’re both just wrong.

Miranda puts up a paper where Polly answered the question. It’s written in another language.

MIRANDA

(CONT’D) Apparently the answer is _this_ mess of glyphs, which I’m certain isn’t a real book so of _course_ it’s Polly’s favorite.

POLLY

It’s real, Miri.

Polly absentmindedly fiddles with the chain attached to her.

POLLY

(CONT’D) It’s the Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoevsky. Sorry, I wrote it in Russian. What can I say? I’m high off my ass right now.

Liam scoffs from the sidelines.

LIAM

It’s WHAT?!

Liam materializes onstage and swipes the paper from Miranda’s hands.

LIAM

(SCOFFING) Polly, please answer with books you’ve actually read. How am I supposed to win if you keep _lying!_

POLLY

I don’t have shit to prove to you, Liam. It’s a book and I like it a lot.

LIAM

And what could you possibly _like_ about it? The brother’s Karamazov is a poignant, masterful classic of Russian Literature- One that you can only _fully_ appreciate in the original Russian--

POLLY

Which is how I read it.

LIAM

Wait, wh--?!

POLLY

What about you, Liam? Do _you_ speak Russian?

LIAM

U-um… Da!

Polly winces at Liam’s pronunciation.

MIRANDA

Liam… could I perhaps read the next question? Or are you still busy over here.

LIAM

Feel _free_ to. I’ll be RIGHT HERE making sure SOMEONE doesn’t cheat!

POLLY

(SARCASTIC) Great.

MIRANDA

Question four! Hopefully this one can get us back on track…

Miranda clears her throat.

MIRANDA

What is Polly’s… favorite kind of—

Miranda blinks a few times.

MIRANDA

F-favorite kind of… foreplay?

The crowd whoops at the raunchy subject matter.

MIRANDA

(EMBARASSED) I-I didn’t write this! Who—

Miranda flips the question over.

MIRANDA

(CONFUSED) “Written by Middle school Vicky”?

VICKY

(FAR AWAY, IN CROWD) Yaaay! They’re reading my question!

MIRANDA

Subject aside… A-Answer this question, gentlemen.

Oz blushes a little and turns to write on his board, glancing at Polly. Polly is thoroughly checked out. Oz’ doubts intensify.

MIRANDA

Time’s up! Gentlemen…?

Miranda gives Oz an urgent look. Oz squirms and reveals his whiteboard.

It’s blank.

MIRANDA

Oz…

Miranda holds the bridge of her nose.

OZ

I-I’m sorry--

MIRANDA

Are you _serious_ right now? Do you have any idea what’s at stake?!

OZ

I’m sorry! I’ve never… I don’t know! I can’t know what I don’t know!

MIRANDA

Write… _something_ at least, for Poseidon’s sake!

LIAM

Feel free not to, actually, this turn of events is _really_ to my benefit! Now the Prince can just swoop in and steal this whole game! What’ve you got, Prince?

The Prince, cocky, reveals his whiteboard.

There’s so much text on it, it’s like he copied a page out of an encyclopedia. Liam clams up as soon as he sees it.

LIAM

Oh, god no.

MIRANDA

H-he’s not about to read all that, is he?

PRINCE

(CHUCKLING) Hmhmhm! What I’ve written _here_ is a sumptuous, sensual, 10-part ritual I’ve devised – First, I’ll grab Polly’s waist--

MIRANDA

(INTERRUPTING) No. We’re moving on, you’re not reading all that. It doesn’t even matter anyway because Polly’s opted to write—

Miranda puts up Polly’s answer. It’s letters and numbers in what seems to be a random order. It reads “1. e4 e5 2. Bc4 Nc6 3. Qh5 Nf6?? 4. Qxf7#”.

MIRANDA

(CONT’D) This! Your guess is as good as mine as to what this means.

LIAM

The answer’s nothing. This means absolutely nothing, she’s just pranking you again.

MIRANDA

Polly! Take this seriously would you?!

OZ

Wait!

The group turns to Oz. Oz seems pensive.

OZ

... Can I see that?

Miranda gives the answer to Oz. Oz looks it over.

OZ

(REALIZING) … Oh, I get it. “Foreplay”.

Polly chuckles to herself.

POLLY

(GIGGLING) Oh man, I slay me.

OZ

This is Scholar’s Mate. It’s a chess thing. You, um… you get checkmate in four moves. Y'know… “four play”.

polly

That’s the one.

OZ

Polly… you play chess?

POLLY

Not as much as I want to. Nobody’s in the chess club except me and Vicky. And Vicky sucks ass!

VICKY

(FROM CROWD, O.S.) Hey!

POLLY

You suck ass, girl! You fall for everything!

OZ

That’s… you know, I play a little chess too.

POLLY

… Wait really?

OZ

Yeah, um… well, you know, I dabble. I mostly just play online because I don’t have that many friends…

POLLY

You play chess…?

Polly seems… excited. Legitimately excited, there’s a genuine smile on her face. Her eyes sparkle. Oz takes this all in. For a brief instant… he forgets about the circumstances that lead to this moment.

OZ

Yeah… yeah, I--

But then… he remembers.

OZ

(SADDENED) … I do.

Oz looks back to his podium and sees one of his phobias. It’s giving him a pitiful look. Oz finally gets it. He breathes in and nods slightly at the Phobia. The phobia understands his intent and smiles.

MIRANDA

Final question! This is your last shot! You hear me _Oz?_ This is your _last chance._ Oz!

Oz doesn’t react. Miranda sighs and reads the question.

MIRANDA

What is Polly’s— Ok, this one’s easy. This one’s super easy. Ok… phew… (CONTINUING) What is Polly’s favorite subject in school. This one writes itself! Answer this query and be done with this, alright Oz? Go on!

Oz gathers his courage.

OZ

… I know what it is.

ACT THREE

EXT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, OUTDOORS – CONTINUOUS

oz

I know what Polly’s best subject is. She’s… really good at it.

Everyone looks at Oz expectantly. Miranda motions for him to go on.

OZ

(CONT’D) She’s better at it than I am, that’s for sure. She completely blew me away, you know.

LIAM

(MUTTERING) Well that goes without saying… (TO MIRANDA) We all know what it is, by the way, right? I mean among the things Polly’s good at… and her penchant for dirty jokes… It’s obvious! Why isn’t he saying it?

miranda

(WHISPERING) Believe me, I’m wondering the same thing… (TO OZ) Oz, this is quite enough build up, you may say the answer now! We don’t have all day!

Oz sighs and puts his hands on the Podium.

OZ

… If I get this right, I win the game. Me and Polly get… Married. Is that right?

MIRANDA

And my campaign for student council presidency is solidified as well – yes, Oz, everyone is well aware of the incredible stakes so could you _please_ stop beating around the bush?

OZ

I’m sorry Miranda, but… I’m not saying it.

Everyone vocalizes their confusion. Miranda’s expression instinctively turns to a cold glare, which she immediately shifts back into her affable smile.

MIRANDA

Oz… haha, why- um, why are you suddenly being uncooperative? I was under the impression that you valued your life— (CATCHING HERSELF) Our friendship, I mean.

OZ

(IGNORING) Polly.

POLLY

(DEPRESSED) What’s up?

oz

I’m not going to _pretend_ like this is a big revelation… or that me or anyone’s grown from all this… We don’t deserve growth from this. In fact, I don’t expect to be forgiven at all. All I want is to apologize to you, on behalf of everyone. I’m sorry for Liam, who hired what I can only assume to be a Romance Mercenary to steal you away against your consent for who _knows_ what reason—

LIAM

The reason was you sat on my cafeteria chair.

BEAT.

LIAM

(CONT’D) … Before anyone says anything, I think I feel bad about it, so we don’t have to start laying into me now.

OZ

… I’m sorry on behalf of Miranda, who used me and you to further her political agenda.

MIRANDA

Who gave you the right to apologize on _my_ behalf?

OZ

… And I’d like to apologize…

Oz gets choked up a little.

OZ

(CONTINUING) Sorry… I’d like to apologize for getting swept up in my own popularity so much that I thought I could ever earn your affection through a game as demeaning as this. And you wanna know the worst part? This game was meant to be rigged in my favor, right Miranda?

MIRANDA

Setting your pathetic performance aside, yes it was--

OZ

Well, I can’t buy that. I don’t know who overestimated who, but the truth is I—

Oz gets a little more emotional.

OZ

I don’t know _shit_ about Polly! I don’t know shit about her, and I never even _tried_ to! Think about that! And I _know_ Polly personally! I speak to her regularly, so why is it on a bogus gameshow that I’m learning she knows Russian?! Why am I just now learning you like chess and literature?! I kept going on and on about how I liked you, but how could I?! I don’t _know_ you! What am I, _stupid?!_ I _must_ be an idiot!

MIRANDA

Okayyy Oz, calm down please—

OZ

(FERVENT) I must be the biggest dumbass I’ve ever met! And the fact that I thought for one SECOND that I deserved her just because we were both ghosts means I _never_ deserved her! And you wanna know the _worst part?!_

Oz whips off the sheet and throws it aside.

OZ

I WAS NEVER A GHOST AT ALL!

Oz gets choked up. He can’t hold back his tears.

OZ

(TO POLLY) I’m sorry… I’m… I’m so sorry…!

Oz starts breaking down on his podium.

BEAT.

Everyone is dead silent.

Until a grin comes on Liam’s face.

LIAM

HA! I TOLD you! He wasn’t a ghost! It was just a sheet! I win! _I_ win! Hahaha! Yes! Everyone, look at this idiot in a sheet! He fooled all of you, but not me! Come on, let’s boo him—BOOO! BOOOOOOOOO! We HATE you Oz! BOOOOOOOOOOOO!

No one joins in. Oz just sobs, alone in the silent crowd.

LIAM

(UNSURE) B-… booo…

Liam quiets down, fidgets a little, and hazards a look at Miranda.

Miranda looks as though she found out Santa wasn’t real. Liam scowls, legitimately affected by Miranda’s sincere sorrow.

No one says a word. Oz just keeps crying.

INT. ART CLUB – MORNING

Polly’s sitting at a table by the window in the empty art club. It’s a rainy morning. Polly just stares at the raindrops fall down the window.

Eventually, Oz enters the frame. Polly glances at him and, with a subtle movement of her fingers, she pulls up the chair on the other side of the table with her ghost powers. Oz stares at the chair for an instant.

OZ

So it _was_ you… in the cafeteria, remember? Liam confronted me… I threw my hands up and the chair moved.

Polly doesn’t say anything.

OZ

… Why’d you help me?

Polly shrugs. Oz seems a little saddened as he sits at the chair Polly pulled up for him.

POLLY

What a mess… how’s Miranda’s campaign going to recover from… this?

OZ

It’s all my fault…

POLLY

Yep.

Oz drops his head on the table.

OZ

How’d I make a friend and lose them so fast…?

Polly sighs, looking away before looking back at Oz. His shadowy hair dully reflects the pale grey morning light. Despite everything… it’s still Oz.

POLLY

… you know, being dead is a crazy feeling.

Oz looks up.

POLLY

(CONT’D) It’s like… you’re just drifting forever. Just being washed away by ocean waves you can’t see.

Polly looks back out the window, the rain reflecting in her eyes.

POLLY

It’s… it’s a little lonely. Maybe that’s why I helped you, y’know? Even though I knew it was B.S. from the start… I guess a part of me wanted to believe it. Of course, you turned around and took part in _that_ whole thing—

OZ

I’m so sorry—

POLLY

So now I guess we’re even, right?

Polly gives Oz a simple smile.

POLLY

(CONT’D) I wrong you, you wrong me… I’ll let it go if you do as well. Deal?

Oz is taken aback, but cheers up.

OZ

Deal.

POLLY

… So, are you gonna tell me why you called me here?

Oz catches himself and reaches below the table.

OZ

I did a lot of reflecting, and I want to apologize for who I was to you until now. I want to get to know you. I figured the best way to do that would be—

Oz pulls a a chessboard from beneath the table and puts it between him and Polly.

OZ

(CONT’D) With this.

POLLY

Oooh… Interesting.

Polly plays with her hair.

POLLY

_Veeeerry interesting…_

BEAT.

POLLY

… What are you waiting for? Set it up.

OZ

Give them a minute…

Oz’ phobias materialize on the chessboard and set it up. They disappear just as quickly as they came.

POLLY

Wow, convenient.

Polly rests her head on her fist. She’s the white side and Oz plays the black.

POLLY

(ABSENTMINDEDLY) You get one game. Five seconds per move, you touch it you move it, if you beat me in under 15 moves I’ll go on a date with you.

oz

Wait, what--?!

Polly moves her pawn with trained confidence.

POLLY

Five seconds.

OZ

U-uhhh…

Oz moves one of his pawns. As soon as he does, Polly moves one of her pieces. This back and forth continues a few times, with Oz panicking more and more as he moves his pieces slowly, only for Polly to retaliate immediately.

POLLY

Wow… I had low expectations but this is something else…

OZ

H-huh?

POLLY

You’re really _this_ bad?

Polly takes Oz’ knight with her bishop. Oz looks over his pieces and puts his hand over--

POLLY

(CONT’D) Rook to C4, right?

Oz stops.

OZ

(ALARMED) How did you—?!

POLLY

I really am the nicest person I know… I said “beat me in fifteen moves” like you ever had a chance to. Forget winning, try to _survive_ fifteen moves if you can. Seven moves left, go.

Oz looks over his chessboard and moves a piece other than his rook.

POLLY

You fell for it. That’s gotta be the easiest I’ve ever gotten in anybody’s head.

Polly moves one piece.

POLLY

You’re fucked.

OZ

What?!

POLLY

I’ll help you out: there’s only one move you can do right now that’ll let you survive past my next turn. Find it in the next four seconds.

Oz panics.

OZ

U-ummm!

Oz moves a piece.

POLLY

Good move!

Polly moves her queen. Oz is in checkmate.

POLLY

Just kidding.

Oz slumps in his chair, eyes wide.

OZ

Holy… crap… you’re amazing!

POLLY

And you’re terrible! Such is life.

Polly gets up and makes to leave.

OZ

Wait! C-can I get a rematch?

POLLY

For what? For you to lose in 5 moves instead of 11? If I wanted something short, boring and unsatisfying, I’d just have sex with you. At least I wouldn’t have to _think_ for that.

Oz sighs and starts packing up the game.

POLLY

What are you doing?

OZ

I’m—

POLLY

No, no, no. You set that board up again and practice. I’ll come by tomorrow to play again. Improve, and I won’t get bored.

Oz nods fervently.

OZ

Yes, Ma’am!

Polly smiles and gets to the door.

OZ

W-wait! Um…

Polly turns back.

OZ

… Would you have really… gone on a date with me if I won?

POLLY

Hahaha! Nope.

OZ

O-oh. Of course, h-haha…

POLLY

I haven’t been on a date since I died. Think I’ll waste my time on that shit? No way. That said…

Polly turns back to the door.

POLLY

If you ever do beat me…

Polly gives Oz a meaningful glance before leaving. Oz breathes in and spawns a phobia on the opposite side of the chessboard. It moves one of the pawns. Oz does the same.

INT. OUTSIDE CLUBROOM – CONTINUOUS

Polly stands outside the clubroom, with a complex expression on her face.

MIRANDA

(O.S.) It’s chemistry, right?

Polly turns to Miranda, who's standing beside her, remorseful.

MIRANDA

Your favorite class. It’s chemistry, isn’t it?

Polly rolls her eyes and nods at Miranda.

POLLY

I forgive you.

Miranda’s expression softens. Polly walks down the hallway and Miranda follows her.

FADE OUT:

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After considering the length of all these episodes, I've decided to start posting only once every week, on Mondays. For those who are keeping up with this story, thank you for your continued readership!


	6. Amira Commits Election Fraud

FADE IN:

INT. GHOUL STREET BUYERS – MORNING

amira

(O.S.) The fuck you mean you mean you ain’t buyin’?!

Amira pounds her fist on the pawn shop counter. Ghoul street buyers is an especially dingy place. While Amira’s blowing up, we see cuts of the shop in all – or rather none – of its glory. The walls are faded, the shelves are cluttered, a layer of dust seems to cover a lot of the merchandise.

At the counter sits the shop’s owner, Russel, an elderly satyr. He eyes what Amira’s come to sell him.

Vera’s watch.

Russel huffs dissaprovingly.

RUSSEL

… you must think I’m some kinda fool. Some kinda idiot that’s gonna buy whatever you bring down here. I’m tellin’ you for the last time, Amira, I’m not buyin’. _Stolen. Shit._

AMIRA

(IRRITATED) Ahhh, here we go again…

RUSSEL

I’m not buyin’ stolen shit! How many times I gotta tell you this?! I’m tryina run a god damn business here! Think I like dealin’ with a crook like you?! Think I like the cops comin’ down here every Saturday mornin’ cuz of some shit you did?! 

AMIRA

Every time I come here you treat me like a criminal! What the fuck, Russ?! Why you assume I stole this, can’t you trust me?!

RUSSEL

Why I assume you stole this? ‘Cause last time I checked, you ain’t move nowhere. That right?

Amira seems affected by the comment.

RUSSEL

Last time I checked, you still live out here like the fuckin’ rest of us! Think you got the means to get some kind a… god damn, flashy watch like this? You must think I’m stupid. You ain’t ever gon’ get no shit like this 'less you steal it.

Russel pushes the watch away. Amira seems tormented.

RUSSEL

Take it. Take that shit somewhere else.

Amira swipes the watch back and stomps out of the store. Russel scowls at her as she leaves.

RUSSEL

Lord help that girl…

EXT. GHOUL STREET AGGREGATE, OUTSIDE GHOUL STREET BUYERS – CONTINUOUS

Amira steps outside the pawn shop, frustrated from the unsuccessful sale. She angrily takes a cigarette from her pocket and lights it, glaring at nothing in particular.

AMIRA

Dumbass watch… bet this shit worth 10 thousand at least, why the fuck he ain’t take it?

VERA

(O.S.) You brought it to a pawn shop. What did you expect?

Amira’s expression drops. Her eyes widen in shock. Pan over to beside the door to the pawn shop, nearly hidden from view, where Vera stands, or rather stood, all this time.

vera

That watch is a collector’s item… you would’ve made a lot more with the right buyer.

She pulls down her sunglasses and gives Amira a haughty smirk.

Amira’s frozen.

EXT. GHOUL STREET AGGREGATE, ALLEYWAY – LATER

Hard cut: Vera’s seated on something in an alleyway, putting the watch back on her wrist.

VERA

(TO WATCH) Ahh… Welcome back. I missed you… You slipped away without me even noticing! I must admit…

Vera looks below her to the thing she's been sitting on: Amira, laying face down, clearly in great pain. She’s been paralyzed by some kind of poison.

VERA

(CONT’D) … that truly impressed me. How _did_ you do it, Amira?

Amira spasms, writhing wordlessly.

VERA

Hmm, is that right? Interesting.

Amira tries to speak but she can’t even say a complete word.

vera

This poison is _effective_ , isn’t it… Balenciaga’s new neurotoxin, In case you were curious. It hasn’t even hit the shelves yet! You should be honored.

Amira glares at Vera from the ground, wrathful.

VERA

Look at that expression. Marvelous…

BEAT.

VERA

Alright, that’s enough. I’m bored now.

One of Vera’s head snakes bites Amira again. Amira’s eyes twitch and she regains motor function. She breathes heavily as her ability to do anything returns to her.

AMIRA

(MURDEROUS) I’ll fuckin’ kill you!

VERA

From where? The ground?

AMIRA

Fuckin’--!

Amira tries to free herself, but she can’t.

AMIRA

(FORCING) Damnit--! Why… can’t I… move--!

VERA

(LAUGHING SOFTLY) It’s because—

AMIRA

Damn, how heavy are you?! Get your fat ass off me!

Vera karate chops Amira.

AMIRA

(RE: GETTING HIT) Ow!

VERA

(HISSING) It’s not ME, you idiot! You’re paralyzed from the neck down!

amira

… (REALIZING) Oh. Oh, you might be right.

VERA

I _am_ right--

AMIRA

(IRRITATED, INTERRUPTING) Man, could you fuckin’ flip me over or somethin’ I’m boutta crack my neck havin’ to crane it all the way back to hear what you’re saying. Why the fuck you got me face down in this dirty ass alleyway for anyway, what'd I ever do to you? Besides jack your watch, I mean, but like-- that’s a “you” problem, be mad at yourself!

Vera rolls her eyes and flips Amira over before sitting on her stomach.

VERA

(CALMING DOWN) In case you were too _addled_ to comprehend this earlier… what “you’ve done” is _impress_ me.

AMIRA

(UNINTERESTED) Impress you?

VERA

That’s right. And believe me when I say… I’m not impressed very often.

AMIRA

Yo, that sounds mad depressing, I can't even lie…

Vera raises an eyebrow.

AMIRA

Just sayin’, you oughta be impressed by _somethin’._ Like… sunsets, or…

BEAT.

VERA

Are you done?

AMIRA

(CONCEDING) Yeah…

VERA

Let’s talk about you for a bit.

AMIRA

Why? I’m fly as shit, what else is there to say--

VERA

What is it like living… here?

Amira’s bravado fades.

VERA

You know, it really explains your personality a lot. The way you act, you’d never guess you live somewhere as desolate as this. Maybe that’s why you put it on.

There’s a park across the street from the alleyway. It has no grass, all the benches are either broken or painted with layers upon layers of graffiti, garbage is sprinkled all throughout it… this state is reflected in the entire neighbourhood.

Amira turns her gaze away from Vera, a palpable sorrow in her eyes.

VERA

The Ghoul Street Aggregate… amalgamated into Monstropolis as one of its boroughs 30 years ago, easily becoming its poorest. 35% of its citizens live below the poverty line. Unemployment is nearly 50%. Per capita income is less than $25 000 a year.

Amira’s still avoiding Vera’s gaze. The sorrow she portrayed slowly shifts to spite.

VERA

Tell me Amira. How much of your outfit is stolen? Your gym clothes… do you remember which student had to buy another set because of you, or did it not matter?

Amira’s anger rises. Vera has a wicked grin on her face.

VERA

When’s the last time you’ve eaten good food? Or slept somewhere warm?

Amira finally turns back to Vera, a coal-black hatred evident in her expression.

AMIRA

What are you tellin’ me this shit for…?

VERA

Because I have a job for you, and before you refused… I wanted to remind you where you were. Your pride was in the way, after all.

Amira says nothing, seething silently.

VERA

You understand? You’re in no position to refuse me.

AMIRA

(TENSE) What do you want…?

VERA

I want you…

TENSE BEAT.

vera 

…To help me become school council president.

BEAT.

Amira bursts out laughing

amira

(MOCKING) Wh… What?!

TITLE: AMIRA COMMITS ELECTION FRAUD

THEME SONG

ACT ONE

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, LIBRARY – BEFORE NOON

Amira’s standing in front of a projector doing a PowerPoint presentation. She’s wearing glasses.

AMIRA

And that is why I believe that Vera—

Amira switches the slide. There’s a picture of Vera with text in papyrus font reading “Good President”. There’s a smiley face and a thumbs up pasted on the picture as well.

AMIRA

… Would make the best student council president. Thank you.

REVERSE SHOT: The strangely big audience claps in approval and airs out of the library.

Amira nods to herself slowly. Vera walks out of the shadows and into Amira’s view.

Amira takes off her glasses, trying to hold back her laughter.

AMIRA

(SMIRKING) There, I… I did it. I did your dumb shit you wanted done.

VERA

With… (POINTING TO POWERPOINT) With that?

Amira throws her arms up.

AMIRA

I don’t know what you’re talking about, that’s a work of art right there.

vera

There’s three slides.

Vera clicks through the three slides.

AMIRA

It was a simple thesis.

vera 

Your presentation was 5 minutes long.

AMIRA

So? I’m direct, shit!

VERA

3 of those minutes was you _making_ this PowerPoint.

AMIRA

…

VERA

And then another minute and thirty seconds was me having to explain to you how to use the presentation controller—

AMIRA

(IRRITATED) Get off my dick, man, I’m doing my best over here— AND that controller was jank as fuck!

VERA

(NODDING SLOWLY) I understand. You get an A for Effort.

Amira looks at Vera expectantly.

VERA

(CONT’D, CONCEDING) … _and_ that controller was indeed pretty… “jank”.

AMIRA

 _Thank_ you! I swear, that thing was built like a happy meal toy…

VERA (CONT’D)

All that aside… I hope you don’t think just _this_ is enough to consider us _even_.

AMIRA

(CONFUSED) … Forreal?

VERA

(SCOFFING) Not even close!

AMIRA

(ROLLING HER EYES) Ugghhhh come onnn!!

VERA

 _Excuse_ me? Have you forgotten that I have literally _all_ the leverage?

AMIRA

Leverage these NUTS, bitch.

VERA

(EXASPERATED) Oh my god, do you even _know_ what blackmail means?

AMIRA

(FEIGNING OFFENSE) Uh, why’s it gotta be _black_ mail?

Vera stares at Amira, deadpan. Amira tries to coax a reaction out of Vera, unsuccessfully, for a beat.

AMIRA

(SMIRKING) Aight, I was just fuckin’ with you but that one was pretty good right--

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, LIBRARY, FORBIDDEN BOOKS SECTION – LATER

Vera and Amira mill through the forbidden books section of the library, which, contrary to first instinct, isn’t a prohibited, hidden section of the library, but simply a row of books just like any other. Legality is of little import in Spooky High. Vera, flanked by Amira, drops a hefty, weathered book on the library table before them.

AMIRA

Woah.

VERA

Amira, do you know what this is?

AMIRA

Book about all the dicks you’ve sucked—?

Vera karate chops Amira again.

AMIRA

(CONT’D) Ow!

VERA

 _This_ , you buffoon, is a grimoire of forbidden rituals. (OPENING THE BOOK, FLIPPING THROUGH THE PAGES) This particular volume is a collection of actualizations – spells with the primary objective of making possibilities both favorable and non into absolute _certainties_ … (TURNING TO AMIRA, CONDESCENDING) This makes whatever you want to happen, happen.

AMIRA

Ahh, I get it… so instead of becoming president through what we normal people call “merit” you’re just gonna beg a demon for it.

VERA

Are you implying I couldn’t _easily_ become council president if I actually cared about the position?

AMIRA

Bitch, isn’t that what _you’re_ implying? If you were _really_ up to it, you’d just make a poster—

Amira points to Miranda’s Election poster on the Library announcement board. She’s pictured as a pure and delicate maiden.

AMIRA

(CONT’D) Like this chick. Instead of… asking Satan…

VERA

Do you think a poster – which, let me make obvious there is no way in hell Miranda made herself – proves that she’s “up to it”? The only thing Miranda’s up to is sucking dicks.

AMIRA

Well, well! (PATTING THE GRIMOIRE) Should’ve sucked a couple more dicks then. Made this book a little bigger?

VERA

Get your jokes in while you can, your life is forfeit the moment I’m done blackmailing you.

AMIRA

(FEIGNING OFFENCE) Why’s it gotta be _black—_

VERA

(FRUSTRATED) SHUT UP! Stop talking for one microsecond!!

AMIRA

(LAUGHING) Hahaha! Hey, hey…

Amira boops Vera, who’s both so frustrated and embarrassed at her outburst that she’s blushing slightly.

AMIRA

You know you’re pretty cute when you’re angry. You should put _this_ face on a poster.

Vera doesn’t respond and keeps looking through the book.

VERA

(TO HERSELF) It’s not in this one.

Vera puts the tome back on the shelf behind them, and starts looking for the tome she needs. Amira pouts at getting ignored.

amira

… Hey.

Vera doesn’t respond and just grabs another tome to look through. 

AMIRA

I’ll just go ahead- Why do you wanna be president when you don’t give a shit?

VERA

(LOOKING THROUGH BOOK) So some basic blowhard bitch – like Miranda, to pick a totally random example - doesn’t think she’s better than me for getting the job.

AMIRA

(SCOFFING) And you’re doin’ a _ritual_ over it?!

VERA

It’s not something I’d expect – or even slightly _want_ – you to understand.

AMIRA

It’s not that- I’m expecting _you_ to understand it. You know these rituals is dangerous, right? You could straight up die from this.

VERA

So?

Vera gives Amira a cold, weathered look for a brief moment before turning back to the tome.

VERA

(CONT’D) Some things are worth dying for.

Amira is taken aback by Vera's grim sincerity.

VERA

(CONT’D, MATTER OF FACT) Oh, not to say that I’m going to die over this.

Vera pats Amira's shoulder.

VERA

That’s what _you’re_ here for!

AMIRA

(SWIPING HAND OFF SHOULDER) Got me fucked up if you think I’ll _die_ over this dumb shit—

Vera slams her hand on the table.

AMIRA

(MUTTERING) Relax, What'd that table do to you...?

VERA

Dammit! (FLIPPING THROUGH PAGES FAST) Where the hell is it!? I swear I saw it, like yesterday—

Vera stops herself, realizing something. She flips around in the book and stops at a page, scanning it for a moment before it dawns on her.

AMIRA

What’s up?

VERA

(HEAD IN BOTH HER HANDS) Ughhh, for the love of—(BREATHING IN) Someone took it, look.

Vera points at the page numbers of the pages the book is open to. Looking at them, it’s obvious: numbers are skipped, so a page is missing. Between the pages, there’s indeed a stub of the cut out missing page.

AMIRA

Oh damn… yeah, someone jacked this for sure.

VERA

Goddammit, who the hell took this?!

JOY 

(O.S.) Is _this_ what you’re looking for?

Vera, who seems to have suffered an immediate migraine due to her impending interaction with the Coven, steels herself and turns around. Amira follows suit.

VERA

(FORCED) Hello, you three.

On the other side of the bookshelf, the coven – Joy, Hope and Faith – stand smugly. The reason: They’ve got the missing page of the ritual tome.

VERA

(MURDEROUS) Give that back, this instant.

HOPE

Yeah, and why should we?!

FAITH

If you think we’ll let you, of all people, become council president, you’re sorely mistaken.

VERA

Is that so? I can’t possibly imagine why.

JOY

How about the fact that you’re a sociopath, a murderer, a thief, a swindler, a liar… (TRAILING OFF)

Vera closes her eyes blissfully and motions for joy to continue.

vera

No, keep going, I’m almost there.

JOY

… Didn’t think I’d be adding “a Pervert” to that list as well.

VERA

(CONDESCENDING) My apologies, I suppose anyone who’s had sex before is a pervert in the eyes of… Shall we say, _romantically challenged_ girls, like you three.

AMIRA

(O.S.) Oooh, Drag ‘em! 

The group turns to Amira, who’s somehow manifested popcorn.

AMIRA

(CONT’D) These chicks don’t get NO dick AT. ALL.

joy

(FLUSTERED) I _too_ get dick – I get it all the time!

FAITH

(ANNOYED) _Believe_ me, she does…

JOY

(SCOLDING) Do you wanna have this conversation right now, Faith?

HOPE

Joy getting too much dick aside, There’s no way we’re letting you two get anywhere _close_ to the student council! 

As Hope says this, Joy spawns a magic glyph and displaces the page with the ritual.

VERA

(LIVID) HEY!

joy

We’ve just securely sent it to our archive.

VERA

(COLD) I don’t care _where_ you beamed it – return it. _Right. Now._

JOY

Don’t you think that might be the problem?

VERA

Excuse me?

JOY

This school is filled to the gills with people who don’t care – not about their school, not about themselves, not even about saving the world when it’s in _constant_ peril! 

VERA

(MATTER OF FACT) Well of course. The world is the worst, why would I ever want to save it?

JOY

Case in point. Further case, that’s _exactly_ why you’re by _any_ metric unfit for this job.

Vera is _this_ close to snapping.

VERA

(FURIOUS) Unfit…?!

amira

Haha! Ayo Vera, she dunkin' on you right now!

hope

And don’t even get us started on _you!_

amira

(SURPRISED, LAUGHING) Bitch, you _better_ not start. Who the fuck are you? I ain’t ever met you before in my life--

HOPE

(FUMING) MY NAME’S HOPE!

AMIRA

(LAUGHING) Yeah, you better _HOPE_ you catch some inches, you deadass built like a christmas elf.

HOPE

I hope you enjoy this, because this is the last CHANCE you’ll _ever_ get to make fun of me! After we become the student council, I’m going to PERSONALLY kick you all the way down the mountain steps and banish you from ever stepping FOOT on this campus again! You hear me? I’m gonna take you DOWN!

BEAT.

AMIRA

… Yeah Imma _have_ to be took down to meet _you_ eye-to-eye. This school gotta be K to 12 with your prepubescent lookin’ ass. 

HOPE

(CRAZED) SHUT UP! 

amira

Nah.

HOPE

At least I can pay for my own meals without _STEALING_ FROM PEOPLE!

AMIRA

… what did you just say?

HOPE

I--!

Amira slams her fist down on one of the bookcases between the groups so hard, the whole library shakes. Hope jumps a little. 

AMIRA

(LIVID) What the fuck did you just say?! Watch your fuckin' tone before I beat the shit outta you! You don’t know the first fuckin’ thing about me, so quit talkin’ to me like you know who the _fuck_ you’re talking to!

HOPE

We know plenty about you! 

Hope gets right up in Amira’s personal space and whips out a wallet from her pocket. She throws it on one of the bookcases and it flips open, revealing it’s the wallet of the girl Amira stole from a few weeks ago, a student named “Sicily”.

HOPE

(CONT’D) Like that your name’s not “Sicily”! 

Amira snaps. She pulls her arm back and activates her powers, attempting to strike Hope with her ignited hand.

FAITH

(O.S.) That’s enough.

Faith grabs Amira’s hand and extinguishes it with magic. 

faith

(CONT’D, TO HOPE) That’s enough from _both_ of you.

Hope relents, unsatisfied. Amira gives Faith a murderous glare and swipes her hand away.

Amira

(TO FAITH) What, you want some too?

FAITH

No especially. Fire in a library isn’t safe you know… you ought to think about your surroundings. 

Amira clicks her tongue.

FAITH

Setting aside their tone – (TO COVEN, STERN) Which we are going to have a thorough discussion about later –

Hope and Joy look away, a little embarrassed.

FAITH

(CONT’D) You must understand, the students of this school cannot act in, or even conceive of, their best interests. I mean, for god’s sake: Did you know a third of the water fountains in this school are booby trapped to eject knives upon activation? The reason we’re being forceful is because this is our last and best chance to leave this place better than we found it. Do not get in our way.

Hope and Joy make to leave – Hope sticks her tongue out at Amira before turning. 

FAITH

Oh, and for what it’s worth… I, at least, empathize with your situation, Amira. If we make the council, we’re ready to fight to make school lunch free, at the very least.

AMIRA

(GRUMBLING) When have I ever asked you to do that?

FAITH

Amira--

Amira steps right up to Faith.

AMIRA

I’m not a fuckin’ charity case.

Faith sighs.

FAITH

It's a shame, but… I don't blame you. I understand how disingenuous we might sound. After all…

Faith turns to leave with her girls. 

faith

(CONT’D) … genuine kindness is hard to find in this world of monsters.

Amira is left both furious and embarrassed. She turns, slowly, to Vera. 

Vera’s eating the popcorn Amira left, with the haughtiest expression on her face. 

VERA

(MOCKING) How did you phrase it again… Oh, that’s right!

AMIRA

Don’t—

VERA

They “dunked” on you.

Amira lets out a frustrated yell and starts punching a library table for a beat.

vera

Oh dear, would you quit it already? To think you’d have such a short temper.

Amira whips her head at Vera, but as she does, Vera approaches and puts an arm around Amira’s shoulder, pulling her closer. As she does this, Amira can see that Vera’s face is etched in ice-cold hatred. 

VERA

(CONT’D, SPITEFUL) We’ve got more in common than I thought.

Amira is silent, taken aback a little.

Vera whips her phone out and types on it with one hand at lightning speed. She swipes around until she arrives at a webpage, which she shows to Amira.

VERA

Do you know what this is?

Reading it shows… a list of steps for a blood ritual which supposedly makes its caster the student council president of their high school.

AMIRA

That’s the ritual you were looking for…

Vera

Exactly. Seems like you need the blood of a former council president, the tongue of a goat and the earrings of an ancient goddess.

AMIRA

Aight…

VERA

Amira, those three basic, dollar-store, great value brand bitches just spent half an hour talking down to us – US! If we want revenge…

Vera motions to her phone.

VERA

We have to take what they want most.

Amira seems to mull it over.

AMIRA

… this’ll make me feel better than just melting the short one’s face?

VERA

Trust me, you’ll feel a LOT better once those three uppity little skanks are broken down to tears as their little pet project crumbles to the ground.

Amira looks down, pensive for a beat… before nodding to herself slightly.

AMIRA

… Blood of a council president, earrings of a goddess… where the hell are we supposed to find that stuff?

VERA

Obviously, it’s not exactly stuff that’s going to be lying around, but—

Vera gives her a villainous grin.

VERA

(CONT’D, IMPIOUS) when you’re destined to be council president, you make it work.

amira

“Destined”, huh…

vera

Here’s the plan: Elections happen tonight. You get the blood, I’ll get the goat, we meet up before speeches, get this done fast and then I’ll walk on stage and take it from there. _That’s_ where our deal terminates. 

AMIRA

What about the earrings?

VERA

I’ll figure it out. (MUTTERING) Frankly, I’m lost on that one. I’m positive those girls have at least a clue where to find them, but I can’t just break into their home myself since I don’t know where they live… They’re incredible at evading my intelligence network…

AMIRA

Dang… guess I didn’t take this for no reason, then.

Amira pulls a wallet from her pocket. She flips it open: it’s Faith’s. Her address is written on her ID.

VERA

How did you…?! (REALIZING) Oh, you must’ve done it _then…_

AMIRA

I’m really not a fuckin’ charity case… I don’t fuck with people giving me handouts, I get mines.

VERA

Really…

Vera extends a hand toward Amira, who shakes it.

VERA

We really are alike. For the time being, we’re partners. Don’t disappoint me.

AMIRA

Yeah, same to you.

ACT TWO

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL – CAFETERIA – LUNCHTIME

Vicky and Amira are sitting at the same table.

VICKY

Blood of a former Council president?

AMIRA

Apparently, man. Got any idea where I can get something like that?

VICKY

Geez, I really couldn’t say… it's a whole other breed of rare.

AMIRA

Damn, for real?

VICKY

Yeah! Honestly, I don’t even know if you could _find_ a student council president… All the ones we’ve ever had either died of mysterious - but obviously assassination-related - causes pretty quickly, OR they’re now in such high positions in society because of the competence they showed here that they can’t even be _seen_ , let alone… bled, I guess.

AMIRA

Is it really that big a deal to be… president of some high school?

VICKY

President of _this_ school? Are you kidding me, of course! Do you know the amount of logistical and administrative chops you need in order to run a place like this for even _one_ day? Honestly, There’s murders, coups, blackmail, blood rituals, protests, fires, floods, earthquakes and furry conventions happening here like every day! It’s an absolute nightmare job.

AMIRA

U-Uhhh what was that last one?

VICKY

(MISUNDERSTANDING, GENUINE CONCERN) Ohh, are you scared of earthquakes? I’m really sorry to hear, but don’t worry they’re not the worst in the world.

AMIRA

Bitch, you know I’m not talkin’ ‘bout no damn earthquake—

VICKY

(MATTER OF FACT) I’m not gonna explain the one you want, so drop it. I’m trying to forget all about it myself, actually.

Amira clicks her tongue. Reverse shot of Brian who’s standing next to their table, bewildered as usual.

VICKY

Oh, Brian! Come on, sit down!

AMIRA

Hm? Oh, hey green zombie guy.

BRIAN

Hey, red… uhhh, fire lady… Sorry, am I interrupting something here?

Cut back to Vicky and Amira. This wasn’t relevant until now, but they’ve been arm wrestling this whole time.

VICKY

No, I don’t believe so. (TO AMIRA, COCKY) This’ll be done in just a moment anyway.

amira

Ohhh so you want _all_ the smoke, huh? I feel you--!

Amira starts putting more pressure on Vicky, Vicky responds in kind.

VICKY

I’m not going down that easily!

AMIRA

Me neither!

BRIAN

You know, Amira…

AMIRA

(FOCUSING ON THE MATCH) Yeah? Sorry, can this wait I gotta whoop your girl’s ass right quick.

BRIAN

You’re looking for the blood of a council president right? I could help you with that.

AMIRA

You mean, you know where I can find some?

BRIAN

I mean I’ve got it, and I can give you some.

Amira whips toward Brian.

amira

(EXCITED) Deadass?

Vicky slams Amira’s hand on the table, winning the contest.

VICKY

(TO BRIAN, CONFUSED) Seriously?

BEAT.

VICKY

… Dude, don’t even _try_ telling me that doesn’t count.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL – LOCKERS – LATER

Brian looks inside his locker. He grabs what we assume is the blood and turns around to face Amira and Vicky, hiding it behind his back. 

AMIRA

Are you gonna give me the thing or not?

Brian looks away. Following his gaze reveals there’s a student in the hallway.

BRIAN

In a second…

The student grabs a book from his locker and turns away from them. The second he does this—

BRIAN

Alright, take it, now--!

\--Brian reveals the “blood of a council president” he supposedly had.

It’s a used tampon in a baggie.

AMIRA

(DISGUSTED, JUMPING BACK) y-YOOOOOOOO!! WHAT THE FUCK, BRO?!

BRIAN

(AGITATED) WH—SHHHH!! SHUT UP, STOP YELLING, JUST FUCKIN’ TAKE IT!

Brian pushes the tampon closer to Amira, who smacks it away.

AMIRA

GET THAT WEIRD ASS SHIT AWAY FROM ME, MAN!

BRIAN

WOULD YOU STOP YELLING, FOR ONE SEC— (TRAILING OFF)

The student from before has turned back around and is now staring at the trio with wide eyes.

Brian slowly hides the tampon behind him.

BRIAN

(CONT’D, TO STUDENT) … Uh… hey?

LONG BEAT.

BRIAN

… He’s really not gonna leave, huh.

AMIRA

Oh, he shouldn’t… the whole school oughta see this shit – Why the… how the-

Amira can’t even handle the amount of questions she has and exhales, frustrated.

AMIRA

(TO VICKY) Vicky, this your mans?

Vicky, for her part, hasn’t moved, blinked or even breathed for a minute. All the color drained from her face.

VICKY

(SQUIRRELY) I don’t know him.

BRIAN

(SIGHING) Vic—

VICKY

I don’t know him, I don’t know him at all.

BRIAN

Alright, you guys are being super unfair right now. I swear there’s a perfectly rational explanation for why I have-

AMIRA

\-- A USED. TAMPON.

BRIAN

(CONCEDING) … Why I have _that_. Ok, uh… I made a _deal_ with someone--

AMIRA

a _deal_?

BRIAN

Ok, I know that sounds… _weird…_ Lemme finish—

VICKY

Brian, what the hell…?

BRIAN

Lemme _finish!_

BEAT.

BRIAN

(HESITATING) So, I made a deal with Valerie—

VICKY AND AMIRA

Ewwww!!!

BRIAN

Oh, for fuck's sake-- Would you guys listen to me for more than a second?!

AMIRA

VICKY! THIS YOUR MANS?!

vicky

(EMBARASSED) I don’t know… I just don’t know, Brian…

BRIAN

Honestly, you guys are thinking this is _way_ worse than what it is!

AMIRA

I reaaally don’t see how, my man…

VICKY

This is probably the worst look, Brian. Like, I seriously have no clue what to think about you walking around with Valerie’s used--

BRIAN

See, and that’s exactly where you guys are making the mistake – _this_??

Brian shakes the bag a little to emphasize. Both girls wince at this.

BRIAN

This isn’t Valerie’s! Valerie never… _used_ this!

Brian seems to think he’s won the girls over.

The girls are just as grossed out, only this time they’re also confused on top of it.

VICKY

… Ok? It’s still a used tampon.

BRIAN

I mean… yeah, but—

VICKY

Brian, we don’t—

AMIRA

We don’t care who used that shit, the problem is you got it. Not only that, you _took_ it. This hoe Valerie showed you this and said “Yo, you want this?” and your dumb ass said “yeah”.

BRIAN

(REPENTANT) … Alright—

AMIRA

(INTERRUPTING) Tampon boy.

BRIAN

(MUTTERING) I’m not gonna fight you on that one…

Brian looks to the side. The student from before is still there. Not only that, he’s got his phone out – he’s been recording.

Brian gives up and waves at the camera. One look in his eyes and you can tell he’s dead inside.

BEAT.

BRIAN

(TO AMIRA) So like, do you want this or not?

AMIRA

(SERIOUS) Oh yeah, for sure. Gimme that.

Amira takes the tampon.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL – OUTSIDE CLASSROOM– LATER

Amira is standing outside a class’ door, which she knocks on three times.

VERA 

(O.S.) What’s the password?

AMIRA

Yo, if you don’t open I’m finna tell everybody you’ve been lookin’ for blood and goats and shit.

Vera opens the door.

VERA

Oh, look who decided to show. How was it, doing all my busy work?

Vera lets Amira in.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, HOME ECONOMICS LAB – CONT’D

One of Spooky High's Home Economics labs. It’s relentlessly clean and outfitted with just about everything a cook might need. Vera sits down on a chair and starts filing her nails.

Amira walks in and her eyes go wide in wonder.

AMIRa

(IMPRESSED) Woah, woah, woah… what’s _this_ room for?

VERA

Are you serious? It’s a home economics lab.

Amira looks at Vera like she has no idea what she’s talking about. Vera responds in kind.

VERA

They teach you how to do all kinds off… stupid, pointless, poor people stuff here, like embroidery and cooking—

Amira looks severely taken aback by this.

AMIRA

They… _teach_ you cooking?

VERA

Yes?

AMIRA

In here. They teach you? For free?

VERA

Yes…?

Amira looks around. Her expression is inscrutable but we can at least glean that she’s incredibly interested in this room.

VERA

Hello? Snap out of it, you’ve got work to do.

amira

And what “work” is that exactly?

Vera goes back to filing her nails and points to a corner of the room where a goat is tied up, sleeping.

VERA

That’s the goat for the ritual. I need its tongue _intact_ , and I need all of its blood. You’re going to draw the pentagram with it later, so make it easy on yourself and don’t spill anything, ok?

AMIRA

Yeah? And what are you gonna be doin’?

VERA

Oh, I’ve got my hands full. (POINTING TO NAILS) Look.

AMIRA

(DOUBTFUL) Uh-huh…

Vera stops for a moment and gives Amira a wary glance.

VERA

(ACCUSATORY) You did get the blood of a council president, right?

Amira reaches in her pocket and pulls out the baggie from before. Vera is viscerally disgusted by it and almost retches.

VERA

What on earth is that?

AMIRA

(JOKING) What, never seen one of these before?

VERA

(AGITATED) You just had that in your _pocket_?

AMIRA

Hey, you’re the one who wanted this, not me.

VERA

What I _wanted_ was maybe a vial, or a syringe – not… _this_ thing! What trash can did you fish _this_ out of?

AMIRA

Hey! don’t call my connect a trash can, he was kind enough to let me – and by that I mean _you_ – have this, free of charge. Said he got it from some chick, what was her name… V-something.

VERA

(WARY) Valerie?

AMIRA

Yeah, that was it.

Vera sighs deeply.

VERA

Well, if it was in Valerie’s possession, then we can assume it’s legitimate… (MUTTERING) Honestly, where does she find this stuff…?

Amira motions for Vera to take the tampon. Vera replies by giving Amira an ice-cold stare. Amira concedes and throws it onto random table.

AMIRA

(ABSENTMINDED) Alright, what did you need me to do again? Butcher a goat?

Amira walks past Vera, to the goat that’s sleeping behind her. Amira crouches down and looks at it for a bit.

Amira

… Where did you get him?

VERA

I paid somebody to fetch it for me.

AMIRA

Well, where did that _somebody_ get him?

VERA

(ANNOYED) What, do you need to send a card to its goat family? Kill that thing already.

AMIRA

(PATIENT) I want to know where it was held.

Vera whips around, ready to give Amira an earful. However, she relents when she sees the strange sincerity in Amira’s eyes.

VERA

… He got it from a farm across the city. Before you ask, I know because I put tracking devices on everyone I ask to do anything. Once again, before you ask, yes, I did put one on you as well, and I’ll only remove it once this job is complete. On that note, (MENACING) complete it.

Amira acquiesces silently.

MONTAGE – AMIRA'S GOAT-BUTCHERING TUTORIAL

A – Amira grabs a bowl and fills it with water, which she offers to the goat after waking him up. He drinks, tiredly. The goat lets out a low bleat and Amira pets him softly.

B – Amira stands in front of the Locker with the knives and breaks in by melting part of the lock. Once open, she breathes in deeply, and, with a trembling hand, grabs a long butcher’s knife and a knife sharpening stone. Amira stares at the knife for a moment. Once the moment passes she steels herself.

C – Amira also breaks into the supply closet. She takes a pail and butchering gear.

D - Quick cuts of Amira putting on thick gloves, an apron, an opaque hair net and a facemask.

E- Amira’s got the knife in one hand and the stone in the other. She turns to Vera.

AMIRA

Vera, move your chair so you’re in front of him. Don’t let him see this.

Amira points to her knife. Vera sighs and half-heartedly acquiesces.

F - Turning back to her workstation Amira starts sharpening the knife. Cut back to the goat solemnly drinking water.

G - Amira grabs a stray baking sheet and effortlessly cuts in half with the knife she’s sharpened. She puts the knife back on the table and puts a towel over it.

E - Amira walks over to the goat and picks it up, cradling it softly while carrying it over to the work area. Before putting him down, she pauses.

END OF MONTAGE

VERA

What is it?

AMIRA

Are you sure you wanna see this?

VERA

Why would I miss seeing you bleed out a goat? Seeing God’s creatures suffer is my Netflix.

AMIRA

Well, I can assure you he won’t suffer.

Vera sits up, inquisitive.

VERA

Have you done this before?

AMIRA

… Not in a while.

VERA

(BORED) Whatever…

Vera gets up and makes to leave.

VERA

I can’t complain if you get the job done. I’ll contact you after you get this over with, I need a little time with the earrings. Amira?

Vera turns back to Amira. Amira’s holding the goat, ready to do the deed. She’s muttering something under her breath.

VERA

… Nevermind. We’re going to do the ritual in the bathroom, be ready for that.

Vera exits. As she does, Amira begins her work.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL – BATHROOM – LATER

Vera and Amira are crouched down, looking at the ground in the bathroom, dissatisfied.

VERA

It’s not working.

AMIRA

What you mean? We got everything, right?

Reverse shot: The girls have drawn the pentagram and placed the required objects, but nothing’s happening.

VERA

It’s not working at all.

AMIRA

(FRUSTRATED) Oh, god damn it… what the hell did we do wrong?!

VERA

It might be the materials…

Vera motions to the objects they’ve gathered. They do indeed have the tongue of a goat, the blood of a former council president and a pair of ruby earrings.

AMIRA

The materials? What’s wrong with ‘em – and it better not be the tongue OR the blood, just saying.

Amira smells her clothes.

AMIRA

I smell like green zombie dude now…

VERA

Far be it from me to give credit to anyone, but in this instance I think the tongue and blood are acceptable. If there’s anything to question here—

Vera picks up the earrings and looks them over.

VERA

It’s these.

amira

 _Those?!_ But we got those from those hoes' crib!

VERA

So we did. I’m also guessing that Faith’s realized her wallet’s gone by now. It’s entirely logical that they made fake ones for us to steal, to put us in a predicament.

AMIRA

That’s crafty… real crafty…

VERA

Not crafty enough, though. Not _nearly_ crafty enough.

Vera smiles to herself.

AMIRA

Oh damn, what’s up Vera? You got some way to fix this?

VERA

I wouldn’t have said anything if I could merely _fix_ it… I just found a way to win it all.

Vera turns her gaze to Amira.

VERA

I’m going to need your help… are you up to it?

Amira’s affected by Vera’s glance. There’s a magnetic power in it. Amira gets pumped up at being trusted by her.

AMIRA

Aight… what you need me to do?

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, AUDITORIUM – EVENING

Everyone is gathered in the auditorium for a round of speeches by those vying for the student council position. We cut in on the tail end of Miranda’s speech.

MIRANDA

\-- in short, everybody should vote for me, not just because it’d make _me_ happy, but because it would make _everyone_ … (PAUSING) still alive by tomorrow. That was quite an awkward way to phrase that, I mean your lives are all forfeit if you don’t—

PGS

(O.S., INTERRUPTING, NERVOUS) O-okay!

The principal cuts in from backstage.

PGS

Thank you very much Miranda, for that very, um… for th-that. Does anyone have any questions for her before we move on?

A student raises their hand. One of the teachers gives them a microphone.

STUDENT

Hello, um… I just wanted to ask- did you… _know_ Oz was lying about being a ghost? Was it you who put him up to it?

The audience stirs, echoing a similar curiosity.

Miranda gives the student a plastic smile while laughing softly.

Miranda’s smile drops and she whispers in collar.

MIRANDA

(IN MIC) Take him out.

A sniper fires and eliminates the student who asked the question. two serfs drag the body out of the auditorium.

BEAT.

PGS

… For everyone’s sake, we will be cutting short the questions for Miranda. Please give her a round of applause.

The auditorium gives a very frightened round of applause to Miranda.

INT. AUDITORIUM, BACKSTAGE – CONTINOUS

Meanwhile, backstage, the coven waits for their turn to give a speech. Faith is altogether relaxed and unaffected. This is contrasted by Joy, who’s absentmindedly writing the Japanese character for “man” on her palm with her finger, before eating it as a way to calm down her nerves.

FAITH

I just realized you’ve been doing that since we were _kids…_

JOY

Now that you mention it…

FAITH

Does that work?

JOY

Try it.

Faith does it.

FAITH

Ehh… Not really.

JOY

Obviously it doesn’t work for you… for it to destress you, you have to be stressed in the first place.

FAITH

Hey, I get stressed too sometimes.

JOY

Name one time.

FAITH

When I walked in on you and—

JOY

(INTERRUPTING) Alright, that’s enough.

Faith laughs to herself and hazards a glance over to Hope. Hope’s the tightest wound out of all three of them. She’s biting her nails nervously.

FAITH

Hope, you’ll be ok. You don’t need to be so stressed out.

HOPE

Of course, I’m stressed out, they got your wallet!

FAITH

So? I’m not too torn up about it, all I had in there was a band-aid and a Papa Faun’s coupon.

JOY

We used that already.

FAITH

Huh! Guess I just had a band-aid, then.

HOPE

You KNOW that’s not what I’m concerned about! Your license, they know our address! They can steal the ritual, or worse, our goddess earrings! What’s stopping them from completing the ritual?!

FAITH

Oh, is _that_ what this is about?

HOPE

Obviously! Do you even care?! If they complete it, we’ll be toast! We’ve worked so hard for this, you’re fine with it just going down the drain?!

Faith puts a hand on Hope’s shoulder.

FAITH

Hope, you’re a very passionate girl.

HOPE

… is that a compliment?

FAITH

It can be. A lot of the time it is! But sometimes, you let it get the better of you. They got a hand over on us, but we had a plan in place… the real goddess earrings were sent to a secure location. We’ll be absolutely fine.

HOPE

(SIGHING) I hope you’re right…

VERA

(O.S.) I hope so too.

The coven turns to their sudden intruder: Vera, who stands before them with her arms crossed and a cocky expression.

VERA

(CONT’D, TO HOPE) For your sake.

HOPE

Wh-what are you talking about…?!

Vera chuckles to herself. Hope gets up, rattled by her taunt.

HOPE

(ANGRY) What are you talking about!?

Vera

Let me just say this…

Vera pulls her hair back a little. Through the deliberate motion, the coven sees she’s wearing a sparkling pair of ruby earrings.

VERA

(CONT’D) I’ve always had a soft spot for goat meat… it pairs well with all my favorite wines.

Joy and Faith’s eyes narrow, but Hope’s widen. She’s clearly very concerned about the implications of Vera’s proclamation.

The principal calls Vera’s name and she sashays away to the stage. Hopecalls out to her.

HOPE

HEY!

vera

Hm?

HOPE

Where…

Hope gulps.

HOPE

(CONT’D) Where’s Amira?

VERA

She’s…

Vera gives Hope a knowing look.

VERA

(CONT’D)… _Busy_ right now.

Vera turns back and walks away.

JOY

What’s _her_ deal… (LOOKING AT HOPE) Hope?

Hope, dissatisfied, decides to try to sneak a glance at Vera’s speech from backstage. The other girls in the coven sigh and follow her.

INT. AUDITORIUM - CONTINUOUS

Vera steps before the audience, taking the mic from the principal’s … leg…

VERA

Hi? Hello? Testing.

Vera taps the mic. A ringing feedback washes across the audience.

Vera says nothing. The audience reciprocates the awkward silence.

BEAT.

VERA

My name is Vera Oberlin. Class 4-1. Vote for me. Thank you.

Vera gives the mic back to a very confused principal and turns to leave the stage. The audience is just as confused as their principal. Joy and Faith reciprocate this as well. The only person in the school who doesn’t feel this bewilderment… is Hope.

Hope is terrified. Everything slows down for her, as her mind runs a mile a minute.

First, Vera’s incredibly short speech, given as though it didn’t matter _what_ she said.

Second, her comment about goat meat and the earrings… followed by third, Vera, who as she walks offstage, turns to Hope and looks at her, right in the eyes. Vera’s gaze in unflinching. She doesn’t say a word, but this look says more than anything she _could_ say.

And Hope, nervous, sweaty, and impatient, buys it.

HOPE

(O.S.) STOP RIGHT THERE!

Hope jumps out onto the stage, pointing at Vera. The audience is in a state over this outburst, not the least of which is the Principal, who is just generally unable to handle conflict.

PRINCIPAL

(GENERALLY UNABLE TO HANDLE CONFLICT) U-umm--!

JOY

(FROM BACKSTAGE, WHISPER-YELLING) Hope! What the _hell_ are you doing!?

HOPE

(WHISPER-YELLING) I’m doing what I have to do!

Hope turns back to Vera and stares her down. The Principal’s finally found his composure after panicking for an embarrassingly long amount of time.

PGS

Wh-what is the meaning of this?!

HOPE

Principal Giant Spider, I denounce Vera’s candidacy for the student council!

VERA

Is that so? On what grounds?

HOPE

On the grounds that she’s CHEATING!

The crowd gasps.

HOPE

Vera’s trying to rig the election using a blood ritual – which goes against Spooky High School code of conduct article 971-A!

VERA

Sheesh, are you sure you want to let every student here know that you know the code of conduct off-hand? You might never get a date after this.

HOPE

Shut up! I go on _way_ more dates than you do!

VERA

You’ve also got lower standards than me, so I wouldn’t get on a high horse about that if I were you.

HOPE

I’ll tell you who’s got low standards – the girl who can’t even earn votes on her own merit!

PRINCIPAL

Miss Oberlin, is this true? If you’ve truly performed a blood ritual, we cannot hold your candidacy as legitimate.

VERA

What do you _think_? Obviously, she’s lying! She’s just jealous of everything I have she doesn’t, up to and including a foot of height.

Hope growls in sheer rage.

HOPE

SHUT UP! For the LAST TIME, I am NOT SHORT! I’M--

VERA

(INTERRUPTING) What you _are,_ is making accusations with zero evidence! Tell me, where's the _PROOF_ I did what you're accusing me of?! Oh wait, that's right, you DON'T HAVE IT--!

AMIRA

(O.S.) Yoo, Vera!

Amira walks on stage, through the curtains.

Her hands are soaked in blood.

AMIRA

I finished setting up that blood ritual for you! Man, you would not believe how hard it is to get goat blood off your hands… _this_ shit is after fifteen minutes with a towel. I need a damn pressure washer to get _this_ off, right?? R-… (NERVOUS) right?

Amira finally… notices.

She notices Vera staring at her with nothing but a bewildered contempt in her eyes.

Hope staring up at her with a growing grin.

The entire audience, several teachers and the principal, staring at her wordlessly.

All these stares, and her hands soaked in goat blood.

BEAT.

AMIRA

… Hey?

Faith jumps onstage and binds Amira’s hands with magic, followed by Joy.

AMIRA

(RE: BEING BOUND) Sh-Shit!

Faith takes her wallet back from Amira.

FAITH

Thank you for holding onto this. (TO HOPE) And thank you, for jumping to action when neither of us could, Hope.

JOY

Seriously… if you hadn’t, we would’ve lost for sure. And- Haha! I couldn’t have seen this glorious look on Vera’s face!

Vera trembles in frustration. She looks really and truly defeated.

PGS

I’m sorry, Vera, but rules are rules. Under our justice system, your accomplice having bloody hands is enough to constitute solid evidence that you have, in fact, tried to rig this election. Because of this flagrant violation, I see no other option than to erase your candidacy and punish _both_ of you with expulsion.

AMIRA

WHAT?!

Hope jeers at Amira.

HOPE

Hahaha! Who’s the little one now, you dolt?! Now both of you are going to get expelled!

AMIRA

Oh, you little--!

VERA

I’m sorry.

Everyone stops. The coven, Amira, even the principal turn to Vera.

Vera seems… saddened. Regretful, even.

Vera

I’m sorry, ok?

joy

(BEWILDERED, MUTTERING) Wh… what the hell…?

PGS

Vera, you’re… sorry?

The principal pinches himself with 7 of his legs successively.

PGS

I’m not dreaming, am I?

VERA

I’m serious. I know it doesn’t excuse what I’ve done but… I want to apologize.

Vera takes the mic from PGS and turns to the crowd.

VERA

I want to apologize to everyone.

The crowd buzzes in surprise at Vera’s very sudden regret.

VERA

In my defense, though… Can you blame me?

Vera seems a little more determined.

VERA

Can you blame me for doing everything I could… everything in my power… so that I could have the privilege of serving you all?

The crowd is taken aback. The coven feels the same.

JOY

(MUTTERING) What is she doing--?

VERA

I know… I know what you all think about me.

Vera frowns, seemingly affected.

VERA

I know you all think I’m… callous… catty… mean… I know a lot of you would rather see me gone. But the truth is, even though you may not like me… I’ve always been supporting all of you. I’ve always been cheering every single one of you on.

Vera pauses.

VERA

All this time, I’ve been thinking about how to make this place better. I’ve been thinking about how to make all your _lives_ better. There wasn’t a thing on my mind other than making sure that when it came time for _this…_ when my chance came… that I would know exactly what I needed to do to bring everyone the most happiness.

The crowd doesn’t seem entirely sold on this.

VERA

I know it’s tough to believe. I mean… I’m _me,_ you know. Even… Even I know that. I know the way I act, and the things I say, rub a lot of people the wrong way. But, now that I’m on the precipice… now that I’m on the edge of expulsion… I don’t have anything left to lose. I don’t gain anything by being anything less than 100% honest. So if you'll let me be honest…

Vera gets choked up.

VERA

I love all of you. I love every single one of you. You’re all such a bright, wonderful, talented, amazing group of students. If I have the confidence to be who I am, and to chase my dreams, it’s in no small part due to the fact that I can say… I go _here._ I go to _this_ school. I’m classmates with _these_ people.

The crowd is starting to get into it.

VERA

Because there’s nowhere like this! I can’t think of a single place as free-spirited, proud, and wonderful as this school! This place gives you _true freedom!_ You think they’ll let you run in the halls playing axe warfare in _W_ _est High?!_

Members of the crowd yells “No!”

VERA

You think they’ll let you make an “Actual Legitimate Serial Killers Club” and leave it unsupervised for over a decade in _Pixie Prep?!_

More of the crowd screams it.

VERA

NO!

The whole crowd screams back.

VERA

That’s why we’re special! That’s what you all need to be proud of! Every oddity, eccentricity, and idiosyncrasy this school dishes out on a daily basis is exactly why we love it here! It’s exactly why I love it here! And it’s exactly why I love all of you!

The crowd cheers, finally buying into Vera’s speech.

VERA

So!

Vera turns to the Principal, who’s gotten just as into Vera’s speech as the students.

VERA

Principal Giant Spider. Man of great honor. I admit it. I did try to perform a blood ritual to ensure I’d be Student Council president. But I did it because I know… I _know_ , in my mind, my heart and my soul that there’s not a single person here more qualified for this job than me. There’s not a single person in this school… who loves it more than me. And if that’s a crime?

Vera looks straight in the principal’s eyes. There’s a dignified beauty radiating out of her.

VERA

If that’s a crime… then lock me up.

The crowd erupts in raucous cheer. Vera stands, facing the audience giving her a standing ovation. Someone throws a rose on stage.

The coven cannot believe what’s happening. They turn to Amira, who’s clapping and wiping away tears. Then to the principal, who’s doing the same.

Hope looks on at the scene she’s played a part in… truly stupefied.

ACT THREE

EXT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, OUTSIDE AUDITORIUM – SUNSET, NEXT DAY

Hard cut to Hope, looking up at something, just as stupefied.

Reverse: The vote tallies are out for the student council. Not only have Vera and Amira not been expelled, Vera has also won the student council elections by a landslide.

Hope looks down, depressed. Faith and joy put their hands on each of her shoulders, echoing the same sentiment.

AMIRA

(O.S.) We got ‘em.

EXT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, QUAD – CONTINUOUS

Vera and Amira sit side by side on the steps leading up to the high school’s main entrance, looking out at the sunset. Amira’s eating her lunch, some curry.

AMIRA

We really got ‘em. They bought all that bullshit you said hook, line _and_ sinker. We won and we didn’t even have to do the ritual.

VERA

Indeed. I’m certain I’ll recall those disgusting words I spoke in my nightmares, but for now… I’ll gladly relish the victory.

Amira eats a little of her lunch. Vera stares at her for an instant before piping up again.

VERA

Amira.

AMIRA

Yeah?

VERA

Can I ask you something?

AMIRA

(SIGHING) Sure…

VERA

What were you doing before you came to this school?

Amira wordlessly eats a little more of her lunch.

AMIRA

Man… when you said you wanted to ask me something, I knew this was gonna be it.

Amira pauses.

amira

I was in jail. Like… real ass jail. Federal prison. I got locked up when I was 16. Grand Larceny… as I’m sure you guessed…

Amira eats some more of her lunch.

AMIRA

They gave me four years. I got out… late June this year. Technically I’m on parole, but the reason I even qualified for that shit is ‘cause the city instituted this stupid fuckin’ … _rehabilitation_ program for youths or whatever… Which explains why a girl from the ghetto is in your nice ass school district.

VERA

Jail, huh…

AMIRA

Yep. Why, you surprised?

VERA

… a little.

AMIRA

Pfft. 

VERA

Was it tough?

Amira thinks for a bit.

AMIRA

Nah… I mean, kinda, but nah. Like… it’s prison, of course it sucks, but… everything considered, it wasn’t all that bad.

VERA

Novel opinion…

AMIRA

Seriously. I mean, anywhere with a bed and three meals a day is--… it's better than Ghoul Street. You gave me one or the other, at the very least I’d have to think about it.

Amira, whose mood has considerably soured with her recollection, is absentmindedly pawing at her curry. She eats some more and cheers up.

VERA

Grand Larceny… Grand Larceny of what--?

AMIRA

(INTERRUPTING) Ah, ah! You said you wanted to ask me _some_ thing, not _hella_ things! not _every_ thing! I already gave you WAY too much info, I’m not lettin’ you slip a damn follow up question in there! You think I’ll rat on myself _that_ easily?

VERA

Tsk. What a shame.

AMIRA

Yeah, you not gon’ get _nothin’_ outta me. Good luck tryina get me after everything we just did.

VERA

Really? How do you figure?

AMIRA

‘Cause I know how you work now! I know you just get in people's _minds_ and shit. Imma be doubtin' everythin’ you tell me, girl, I’m not— I’m not finna take nothin' you say face value.

VERA

(LAUGHING) Ok, you don’t need to go _that_ far…

AMIRA

I feel like I DO, though!

Vera laughs, which prompts Amira to laugh a little.

AMIRA

I cannot believe that shit you pulled fuckin’… WORKED! It didn’t just work, it happened Beat. For. BEAT. It played out just. AS. PLANNED.

VERA

(COCKY) Hey, I told you we’d win.

AMIRA

Honestly… I don’t believe that.

VERA

What can’t you believe! It was perfectly believable.

amira

Nah, nah, nah… you can’t tell me that was anything more than a fluke.

VERA

I can and _am_ telling you that.

Amira side-eyes Vera.

AMIRA

Aight, so you’re telling me that a plan that involves 1- recognizing Hope was a weak link mentally on her team and making her think you did the ritual, so that she’d 2- call you out on it on stage so that I could 3- pop out and put both you _and_ I in legitimate jeopardy in front of everybody so that you could 4- deliver a bullshit speech that would leverage your own impending expulsion to make your pitch sound sincere and win over the student body without ever campaigning, making a single poster, or actually promising anyone anything – you’re telling me that whole plan working out ain’t pure fuckin’ chance?

BEAT.

AMIRA

_Bitch?_

VERA

Amira—

AMIRA

Don’t fuckin’ LIE to me! No way! No way in _hell_.

VERA

You know, you’re making me sound like a gambler and I don’t like that.

AMIRA

You’re not??

VERA

… I am, but this is different. This was a _calculated, educated… intelligent_ risk.

AMIRA

Ok, then what if _literally_ anything else happened that was different from the extremely specific series of events you were hoping for?

VERA

Then… we’d both be expelled.

BEAT.

AMIRA

… Just like that?

VERA

Just like that.

AMIRA

You had no back up at all?

VERA

Nope.

AMIRA

You made me soak my hands in blood and almost get expelled with no back up plan?

VERA

Yes.

AMIRA

Yeah, real calculated.

VERA

Amira--!

AMIRA

Real fuckin’ calculated! At least _have_ a plan B! Before throwin’ me to the wolves— I mean, I’m a felon anyway so I don’t really care if I get expelled or not, but you didn’t know that! I’m more offended you put me on the line without knowing I wouldn’t care!

Amira eats some more of her curry.

AMIRA

That’s kinda foul!

VERA

You know, I’m listening to you complain and—

AMIRA

(SARCASTIC) “Complain” … ok, Vera. Okayyy Veraaa.

VERA

I’m listening to you bitch and whine about a plan that _just_ succeeded and honestly? I’m offended.

AMIRA

Okay? What you gon’ do about it?

VERA

Easy.

Vera smiles at Amira.

VERA

Make you take part in more of my plans, so you know for sure that it wasn’t a fluke. That I’m just _that_ smart.

Amira rolls her eyes.

AMIRA

How'd I know you were gonna say that…

VERA

(EGGING ON) Amira…? You know you want to.

AMIRA

(CHUCKLING) What about everything I just said makes you think I _want_ to?

VERA

Oh, come on. We had fun, right?

Amira bursts out laughing.

AMIRA

 _Fun??_ I carried a damn tampon all day. And we didn’t even use it– I had a used tampon in my pocket the whole day for no reason!

VERA

Hey that’s not _my_ fault… that’s _entirely_ a “you” problem. (VINDICATED) Be mad at yourself.

Amira tries to retort but doesn’t. Vera tries to coax an answer out of Amira. Amira just exhales, pensive.

AMIRA

I don’t know.

VERA

(EXASPERATED) _Seriously?_

AMIRA

I don’t know! I mean… I don’t get nothin’ outta this. You had somethin’ on me… I helped you out… You and I are square now, so we done.

BEAT.

VERA

Amira… what is it you want most in the world?

AMIRA

Uhh, lemme think. (COUNTING) Hella money… A lotta cash… and a McLaren P1.

VERA

… So, wealth.

AMIRA

And a McLaren P1.

Vera undoes the strap on her watch.

VERA

(CORRECTING) Wealth. Well, in that case…

Vera removes her watch and slowly extends it to Amira.

VERA

Here.

Amira is astonished by the gesture.

AMIRA

You’re… you’re really giving me this?

VERA

Of course.

AMIRA

Wh… why?

VERA

To show you. You’re looking for a reason to work for me, here’s your reason. Here’s my commitment.

AMIRA

O-ok, but… why _me_ though--?

VERA

(INTERRUPTING, DEADPAN) Amira, do you want this watch or not?

AMIRA

(HURRIED) I-I’ll take it!

Amira takes the watch and admires it.

AMIRA

(CONT’D) God _damn…_ yo, I never noticed ‘cause I was too busy jacking it slash pawning it but this shit nice as hell!

VERA

It _is_ very nice. That one’s one of my favorites, you know. Very quaint, it goes with a lot of my outfits too.

AMIRA

Damn, I feel bad for taking it then. (PAUSING) SYKE! Hahaha! Ohhh, man, I’m boutta pawn you off so bad! No more instant ramen for me, girl!

VERA

You’re selling it?

AMIRA

I mean…

Amira gets a little more serious.

AMIRA

I mean, yeah. I want the cash. Why, you don’t want me to?

VERA

No, it’s not that, you can do what you want with it. It’s yours.

amira

Then… why you givin’ off “don’t pawn it” vibes?

VERA

I’m just concerned you won’t find a pawn shop that’ll give you what that watch is _worth_ …

AMIRA

Wh… what’s it worth? I mean, this can’t be more than ten thousand, maybe twenty thousand…

VERA

You know for a thief, you’re pretty bad at appraising things…

AMIRA

Ok. Stop playin’ wit me. I know you like this watch, but stop gassing it up, it’s not _all_ that—

VERA

What you’re holding right now is a limited edition watch I bought a few years back. It’s valued at around $200 000 dollars.

BEAT.

Amira’s staring at Vera, mouth agape.

VERA

No, but, pawn it if you want. It’s yours, after all.

Amira tightens the watch around her wrist. Vera seems satisfied.

VERA

I’m writing your name in to be part of my student council.

AMIRA

Ugh, of course you spring this on me _after_ I put the damn watch on…

Vera

If I recall you were the one who said they’d “doubt” everything I said.

AMIRA

God damn it…

VERA

Of course, I will fully expect you to be doing your tasks as a member of the council with just enough effort so as to not arouse any suspicion.

Amira raises an eyebrow.

VERA

Now’s a good a time as any to tell you what I said before about wanting to be president “so some basic bitch doesn’t think she’s better than me” was total bullshit. I have… goals. Big aspirations. Aspirations so big, in fact, that I realized, for the first time in my life, I needed help. I saw you and thought you could be that help, so I used all this - the elections, the ritual - to test you and your ability to help me accomplish my goals. You passed! Congratulations.

AMIRA

Did I even do anything special?

VERA

You did what I asked you to do. _Believe_ me, just that is enough to put you in the top 1 percentile…

Vera massages her temples for a beat.

AMIRA

Hey Vera…

VERA

Hm?

AMIRA

… You asked me a question earlier, right? A personal question?

VERA

Ooh… this is interesting. Yes, Amira, so as to make it fair, I’ll answer one of your questions no matter what it is.

AMIRA

No matter _what_ it is?

VERA

Absolutely anything. You could ask me for even my deepest secrets… I’d answer with no hesitation. Consider this carefully, I know you’re new but this is an incredible opportunity… many would kill for me to be this forthright with them. 

Amira mulls it over. Vera anticipates the question.

BEAT.

AMIRA

… What’s the funniest joke you’ve ever heard?

VERA

… Excuse me?

AMIRA

Like, what’s a joke that really makes you laugh? Somethin’ that really gets it out of you. When’s the last time you like… _laughed_ laughed.

Vera stares at Amira, utterly, totally, and positively floored.

After a beat, though, she breaks. She laughs softly to herself and mulls it over.

VERA

I’ve never really _laughed_ laughed. But I do know a joke or two…

AMIRA

Oooh! Vera joke! I wanna hear this, lemme get comfortable…

Amira re-positions herself and eats more of her lunch. She motions to Vera as though to say “proceed”.

VERA

The “Spooky High Spooky Monsters who Spook (But Who Also Play Sports)” – that’s what our football team is called, by the way – had 1 victory last year. 1 victory and 15 losses, all of those losses by bigger point differentials than anyone else that season. Their one victory, incidentally, was due to a forfeit because the other team misremembered the date of the game. Our team was the worst in the country, and they've been the worst for decades. Forget the playoffs, they've never even made it through a season with a winning record. 

AMIRA

Is that the joke?

VERA

That’s not the joke.

AMIRA

Ok, ‘cause our team being that terrible is honestly just depressing.

VERA

Isn’t it? (CONTINUING STORY) Anyway… Scott Howl, one of my f--… (CATCHING HERSELF) Someone I tolerate, is the quarterback of that team. He begged me to help coach them this season. I agreed since he’s a senior and its his last.

Vera rests her head on her hand.

VERA

That team is now on track to make the playoffs. They're starting the season with a 4-0 record, matched only by the country's greatest high school football team… Nothing about the players or the team itself changed. The only difference… was that I was in charge.

Vera smiles subtly to herself.

VERA

I’m sure you’re wondering what the punch line is. You see, the joke is that even though I'm spearheading the greatest athletic effort this school has ever seen… even though I gave an opportunity to these players who’d been trying their hardest for their whole lives to make any kind of impact in their sport… even though I essentially gave a career to Scott, who through my coaching his team has been able to showcase his talent as a quarterback and finally get college scouts to watch his games… Even though just this – just these four victories - is momentous enough to change so many people’s lives, and even though I still have so much more to do in the playoffs themselves when we inevitably make them… Even though all of that’s true…

Vera finally turns her gaze to Amira. Vera’s smiling but her eyes aren’t. In this moment…

VERA

I feel absolutely… nothing.

… Amira understands the kind of person Vera is. Amira… can’t help but be in awe of her.

VERA

(VACANT) Funny… right? Success just… bores me.

Vera gives Amira a poisonous smile. 

BEAT.

VERA

(SERIOUS) By the way, what are you eating?

Amira

Oh, this?

VERA

Yeah, you’ve been eating this whole time, what is it?

AMIRA

Curry. You want some?

VERA

Do you have like another spoon or…

AMIRA

Nope.

VERA

… Ah, whatever.

Vera tries to take the spoon but Amira scoops some curry and points it at Vera, clearly wanting to feed it to her. Vera sighs, exasperated, and looks around to see if anybody’s looking before eating it. Amira holds back laugher.

VERA

W-… woah.

AMIRA

Hm?

VERA

This is incredible… it’s really good, why is it so good?

AMIRA

You… you like it?

Amira’s eyes sparkle for an instant.

VERA

Yes, it’s amazing… is that goat meat?

AMIRA

It’s… uh… yeah, it is.

VERA

Incredible… Honestly, that’s really good, wow. Wow! Where did you get this?

AMIRA

U-uhh… I bought it. F-From the cafeteria.

VERA

(INCREDULOUS) The cafeteria serves curry now…?

AMIRA

Y-yeah! Haha, weird, right?

Amira coughs.

AMIRA

Anyway… uh…

Amira looks away, shyly. Vera notices this and smiles to herself a little.

She looks at Amira’s lunch—

INT. OBERLIN FAMILY HOME, DINING ROOM – EVENING

\- And back down to hers.

Vera and Valerie are eating alone, silently, in their family home, a townhouse right in the heart of Monstropolis. As the two eat in complete silence, we get quick shots of the home – it’s by no means anything short of luxury. The interior design is precise, everything is spotless, sleek, modern, its beautiful.

Cut back to the girls eating. To be specific, Valerie’s eating. Vera hasn’t touched her food.

VALERIE

… Not hungry?

VERA

Not really.

VALERIE

Congrats getting council president.

VERA

Thanks.

Silence for a beat.

VALERIE

(MUTTERING) I wish dad were here to congratulate you too…

Vera exhales deeply. She puts her hand to her forehead.

VALERIE

He’s… not here, again.

VERA

I know, Val. Stop talking about it.

VALERIE

What else am I supposed to talk about? I don’t wanna eat in complete silence, Vera, that shit’s weird!

VERA

That topic is sensitive, and I don’t want to discuss it. Talk about something else.

VALERIE

… You think he’s busy at work, or—?

Vera pounds the table, making the silverware clatter. Valerie gets startled.

Vera tries to calm herself down.

VERA

I’m sorry.

VALERIE

No, I… I was out of line. I shouldn’t talk about that.

BEAT.

VERA

He said…

VALERIE

Yeah?

Vera breathes in and out slowly.

VERA

He said he took extra hours. That he was going to stay at work for longer.

VALERIE

Are you kidding me?! Again?! Why?!

VERA

I don’t know.

VALERIE

He does realize he lives here, right? Does he _sleep_ here at least?

VERA

He does. He sleeps on the couch.

VALERIE

On the couch?!

VERA

It’s closer to the door. That’s what he told me.

VALERIE

His fucking room’s beautiful! Why is he sleeping on the couch like a deadbeat?!

VERA

I don’t know.

VALERIE

This house is expensive as shit! It's downtown, close to his job and everything, this location is ridiculous! Does he know how long we looked for this place?!

VERA

(GETTING FRUSTRATED) I don’t know…!

VALERIE

Why the hell did we pay out our ass for this house if he doesn’t even give a crap about—

VERA

I DON’T KNOW, OK?!

Valerie’s draws back. Vera is truly saddened.

VERA

I don’t know… ok? I thought… Is this house the problem? I thought it was nice… We thought it was nice, right?

VALERIE

He said it was nice.

Vera looks down, disheartened and frustrated.

VERA

He said it was nice, but… he doesn’t live here.

VALERIE

… He misses our old house.

This statement sends Vera further down.

VERA

That’s really it… it really is that, isn’t it…?

VALERIE

I mean, I get it. I get it, alright? Our old house was cozy and everything, sure. But like, objectively speaking, this house is three thousand times better! It’s way closer to everything, it’s more convenient, it’s better insulated, better heated, better constructed, it’s just better! We have marble countertops for god’s sake, I paid out of fucking _pocket_ for those!

Vera doesn’t respond. She just paws at her food with a fork.

VALERIE

I don’t know. I understand that that house was where Dad and Mom lived for… most of their lives, and… _maybe_ it reopened some wounds when the city bought the land it was on and tore it down but… can’t he be happy for us? Can’t he be _here_ for us? This house… We earned this house; We worked our asses off for this house! We wanted him to be happy and now… I don’t even know if _we_ are.

Vera’s sadness slowly but surely turns to spite.

VERA

“The _city_ bought the land”.

Valerie sighs.

VERA

You said “the _city_ ” bought it. It wasn’t “The City”. And they didn't "buy" it.

Valerie’s expression has a hint of spite in it as well.

VALERIE

You know what I mean.

VERA

Then say it. Say what really happened, Because it wasn’t “The City”, it was—

VALERIE

The mayor. I know. The mayor took our house… He foreclosed on it. Why did you want me to say that?

VERA

… I just wanted to make sure you knew who the enemy was.

Something about this comment triggers Valerie. There’s clearly alarm bells ringing in her mind.

VALERIE

Vera.

VERA

Hm?

VALERIE

(ALARMED) … Are you planning something?

VERA

What are you talking about?

VALERIE

Don’t play dumb with me ok? We’re both really sad about Dad’s old house but--

VERA

But…?

VALERIE

Wow… you’re really still playing dumb. Vera.

Valerie looks at Vera right in the eyes.

VALERIE

Do not go after at the mayor.

VERA

(SCOFFING) Why would I--?

VALERIE

Do not. Go after. The Mayor.

Vera gives Valerie a look at goes back to her food.

VALERIE

Promise me, ok? You don’t know how deep this runs. You asked me to look into it, remember? It’s not worth it.

VERA

I’m not planning anything, Valerie.

Valerie raises an eyebrow.

VERA

That said… you saying "it's not worth it" is entirely false. It would very much be worth it.

VALERIE

(SERIOUS) Vera. If you go after this guy you _will_ lose everything. You think we’re in pain now? Watch what’ll happen when everyone in this family’s in jail for shit we didn’t do.

Vera rolls her eyes.

VALERIE

You hear me?

VERA

I hear you. I promise, I’m not going to do anything to the mayor.

Valerie relents, reluctantly. Vera stares at her, with a hidden determination in her eyes.

INT. VERA’S ROOM – LATER

Hard cut to Vera in her room. She attaches a picture to her wall with a pushpin. She steps back and smiles to herself.

VERA

Sorry Valerie, but… I didn’t lie to you.

It’s revealed the picture she attached to the wall was of Amira.

VERA

 _I’m_ not going to do anything to the mayor… That's what scapegoats are for, after all.

Right next to Amira’s picture, we see Vera’s target. The image is obscured by Vera’s position, but we see the picture is labeled “MAYOR JOHN SMITH”.

As we pull back, we see more thread, and more pictures, newspaper clippings and documents of all kinds connecting to both Amira and the mayor. We pull back further and further, and the more we do, the more we see connected. Whatever Vera's been working on, it’s incredibly complex and it runs deep.

The last thing Vera does is connect Amira’s picture and the Mayor’s with a single, blood-red thread.

Vera's eyes are cold… murderous.

FADE OUT:

THE END 


	7. Oz Starts the Apocalypse

FADE IN:

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL – CLASSROOM – MORNING

Close up of Oz, prostrated on the ground. Reverse shot of Miranda, sitting at one of the desks before him, legs crossed. She’s pissed.

Cut back to Oz, who shifts from prostration with both hands on the ground to prostration with hands clasped in prayer. Miranda sees this and rolls her eyes.

MIRANDA

Oh, for Poseidon's sake…

OZ

(LOOKING UP) Miranda I’m serious.

MIRANDA

Yes, I haven’t the shadow of a doubt that you _seriously_ embarrassed me before every one of the students at school.

OZ

I know, I know I did, and I _seriously_ want to apologize. (LOOKING BACK DOWN) I’ll do anything—!

MIRANDA

Not only that, you also lied right to my and everyone else’s face about your nature; And didn’t even bat an eye as I hitched my wagon – fool that I was – to the sinking ship that was your fleeting popularity!

OZ

(APOLOGETIC) E-Eloquent as always Miranda, you’re a master of exposition!

MIRANDA

Wrong.

Miranda forcefully rests her feet on Oz’ head.

OZ

(WHISPERING) Ow--

MIRANDA

(CONT’D) I’m a master of many more things than just exposition. In FACT--!

Miranda raises a leg and drops it back down on Oz’ head.

OZ

(WHISPERING) Ow--

MIRANDA

I’m a master of _everything!_ My father says so! (MENACING) And you wouldn’t contradict him, would you?!

Miranda kicks Oz repeatedly.

OZ

(WHISPERING) Ow, Ow, Ow--

POLLY 

(O.S.) Geez, chill on him, Miri.

Miranda ceases her kicking and turns to Polly, who’s sitting at a desk beside them looking bored.

POLLY

This is just… unproductive.

OZ

(LOOKING UP, SURPRISED) P-Polly?!

polly

Don’t get me wrong though, he definitely deserves it. (LOUNGING BACK) I’m pretty pissed too, you know…

OZ

(SADDENED) Seriously…?

POLLY

Yeah man! Miri was gonna put me on the council as secretary, dude!

OZ

(TAKEN ABACK) For real?!

POLLY

(KIDDING) Why do you sound so surprised? Doubting my administrative chops?

oz

(SERIOUS, APOLOGETIC) N-No! No way, I didn’t mean that--

POLLY

(INTERRUPTING) ‘Cause you’re totally right to think that, I have zero of whatever chops I said. I just wanted the job ‘cause you can sneak in and take whatever from the nurse’s office – just say you need it and bounce.

OZ

From the nurse’s--?! Are you sick, Polly? (SHYLY) You know, I could--

POLLY

(SERIOUS) I’m not sick, doofus. I just want morphine.

OZ

… R-Right.

POLLY

Right. Now that the exposition is all settled-- (TO MIRANDA) What would you rate it, exposition master?

MIRANDA

A little on the long side, but we’ll work on it.

POLLY

(TO OZ) Now that you know why we’re pissed, here’s what we’ve decided you’ll do for us.

MIRANDA

You wanted to make it up to us, right?

OZ

(EXCITED) R-Really?! I’ll do anything, just tell me!

Polly and Miranda share a quick, mischievous glance.

MIRANDA

What you’ll have to do for us is--!!

Polly starts a drumroll on the table. As she does, two serfs take a cage draped in a thick cloth and set it on the table behind Oz. Polly ends the drumroll at the same time.

MIRANDA

(EXCITED) Take care of our pet!

Miranda and Polly clap. Oz gets up and walks towards the cage.

OZ

Just take care of your pet? That doesn’t sound too bad.

Polly and Miranda snicker. Oz grabs the corner of the sheet draping the cage.

OZ

You know, I’m pretty good with anim--

Oz pulls the sheet off.

What faces him is not an animal. This entity is most surely not from earth. In fact, it may not even be from this dimension.

A twisting, demonic, chaotic monolith lies, floating inside the cage on the desk. It shifts one of its many eyes to Oz, a look of sheer madness sprawled upon what must, in a sense, be a face.

The totem opens its mouth, as though to spew forth a new fresh nightmare. Blood drips from--

Oz puts the sheet back on the cage.

BEAT.

Oz pulls the sheet off again--

TOTEM

(TORTURED) ** _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGH!!_**

oz

(TERRIFIED) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--!!

TITLE: OZ STARTS THE APOCALYPSE

THEME SONG

ACT ONE

EXT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, OUTDOORS, BESIDE TREE – LATER

The totem opens its mouth wider than it should physically be able to and lets a swarm of locusts burst forth. The blood hungry insects immediately target an innocent student and raze him to nothing, utterly and savagely ending his tragically young life. The totem lets a blood-curdling yelp escape its demonic maw.

Beside the scene, Miranda and Polly look at this unfazed, while Oz stands beside them, shaken to his core. Miranda places a hand on Oz’ shoulder.

MIRANDA

(MATTER OF FACT) _That_ means he's hungry.

OZ

(HORRIFIED) What the fuck?!

MIRANDA

Shh! Language! Lil’ buddy is but a young world swallowing diety… (PAINED) You’ll stain its young heart…

OZ

Ok, so, did _I_ go insane or is it you two, because it’s one or the other right now.

POLLY

Oz relax for once; your harsh judgemental vibes are gonna make Lil’ buddy super aggro. You know, he’s pretty smart for a bringer of death and pestilence. He’s good at picking up on people’s moods, before like, eating them.

OZ

… So, it’s all three of us is what you’re saying.

MIRANDA

What we’re _saying_ – or rather, what I’ve _already_ said – is that our cute little boy is woefully hungry. He’s the type that gets cranky when he doesn’t eat at a _specific_ time, which… is relative, to him. (CONFUSED) I don’t know if he obeys those laws…

POLLY

And we’ve been having a blast hanging out with lil’ buddy all this time, but his food situation has become a real issue.

OZ

(SCARED) And… what’s the issue, exactly?

MIRANDA

The issue is he eats people.

OZ

Oh, god.

POLLY

And like, I’d be down with it-

OZ

(SNAPPING) You would?!

POLLY

(IGNORING) I’d be ok with it in most circumstances, I mean believe me I’ve got enough people who’d do whatever I say following me around that I could feed our pet for a few _months_ at least, it’s just…

MIRANDA

That’s not sustainable in the long term. Normally this would be where I’d shine, I could probably set up a farm of merpeople to feed solely him before the day ends, but for some reason, Lil’ buddy just doesn’t like the taste of sea person! Which is not only extremely rude… (CRYING) It's extremely saddening. We’re both out of ideas… I just don’t want our pet to die…!

OZ

(TOUCHED) Well, geez, Miranda… you know, if this pet you were talking about wasn’t a murderous apocalyptic totem, I’d almost be inclined to feel even the slightest bit bad.

MIRANDA

(SHOCKED) Oz! Are you saying you don’t _care_ if our _precious pet_ starves and ultimately _dies_???

OZ

What I’m saying is, if that thing is capable of death then it would be a mercy on all of us, yes.

POLLY

Well too bad! Your job’s to help us make that thing live as long as possible.

OZ

And if I choose not to?

POLLY

Me and Miranda never talk to you again, I guess? That’s not much is it…(TO MIRANDA, WHISPERING) Dang, Miranda, we might’ve miscalculated here--

OZ

Well gosh darn it, I guess I just don’t have a choice, now do I?

POLLY

(TO MIRANDA, WHISPERING) I stand corrected.

OZ

You two forced my hand! Nothing I can do about it.

MIRANDA

Huzzah! Now, please Oz, regale us with a seatight plan to solve our pet’s food situation: you have 60 seconds- 59… 58…

POLLY

(EXASPERATED) Miranda, he deserves a minute bonus for having to hear to you say “seatight” like that’s a real word.

MIRANDA

Polly, you know I categorically refuse to say the “A” word.

POLLY

Miranda, upholding your weird racism is not at _all_ worth the psychological damage I take every time you call it a “SeaBnB” whenever we go on a trip.

MIRANDA

(IGNORING) Your minute’s done! What have you concocted for us, Oz?

POLLY

(MUTTERING) We’re gonna talk about this later.

MIRANDA

(MUTTERING) We will not.

Oz thinks for a moment. He turns to the totem and seems to have an idea.

OZ

Actually… I think I have an idea that might work!

MIRANDA

Great! What is it?

OZ

I’m gonna feed it… me!

BEAT.

OZ

I’m gonna… I’m gonna feed it me. I will feed myself to it.

POLLY

Oz, if you smoked the salvia I was saving for a special occasion I won’t forgive you, but I’ll at least be glad this amazingly stupid turn of events has an explanation.

OZ

Polly this isn’t… I know this sounds weird but just watch. I swear this’ll… (CORRECTING) I swear this _might_ work. Maybe.

POLLY

(MUTTERING) Oh, god… (EXASPERATED) Alright, fine. If you die that’s on you. I did _my_ part.

Oz acquiesces and walks over to the totem. Polly and Miranda wave him off.

POLLY

We’ll always remember you, dude.

MIRANDA

Ehhh…

Polly side-eyes Miranda.

As Oz approaches the totem, it stops chewing on the body it hunted. Oz stops on a dime, his fear rising.

OZ

(SCARED) H-hey, buddy…?

The Totem turns around, slowly. Blood drips from every one of its orifices – including some new orifices which it creates just then.

OZ

(SCARED SHITLESS) … H-…

The Totem floats right up to Oz, staring at him with its many eyes.

OZ

(TERRIFIED) U-uumm are you… hungry? Blink once for yes--

The totem blinks once before Oz can finish.

OZ

(SURPRISED) W-woah, you’re actually hungry? The girls got it right.

The totem blinks ferociously.

OZ

(AMUSED) H-Haha! Man, you must be really hungry. Calm down, little buddy, I’ll feed you… I hope…

Oz crouches down and hazards a trembling hand to the totem…

OZ

… Easy… Easy… Wait, is this gonna hurt--?

The totem whips up and bites Oz’ arm off.

OZ

AAAAAAAAAAAAA--!!

The totem snarls and eats the arm, slobbering all over it. Oz doubles over in… pain…?

OZ

(CALMING DOWN) AAAaaaa… ah. Huh. Turns it out it doesn’t hurt at all.

Oz looks at where his arm used to be- there’s not a hint of blood or even suffering on his part. He seems all too calm. Rather, he turns to the totem and looks at it with kind eyes.

OZ

Hey, you’ll be ok alright? Take your time, eat slowly.

The totem looks at Oz and responds by eating more patiently.

After a beat, the totem has finished the arm. It burps.

OZ

Haha! Are you full?

Oz takes his remaining hand and slowly goes to pet the totem. The totem… accepts these pets.

OZ

… Hey… you know, for a demonic totem, you’re actually pretty cute--

Oz feels presences behind him. He turns around to see Polly and Miranda, blown away.

POLLY

Uh…

MIRANDA

Oz?

OZ

Oh, Good news! I did it, I fed your pet. You know, he’s pretty cute--

MIRANDA

Setting that aside for a moment…

POLLY

Have you like… noticed? At all?

OZ

Hm? Oh.

Oz looks at his arm. It’s still gone.

OZ

This, right?

MIRANDA

(CONFUSED) That _is_ your arm, isn’t it? Me and Polly were fully expecting, I would even say looking _forward_ to, a bloody and quite, _quite_ loud feeding session--

POLLY

Don’t include me in that, that was just you.

MIRANDA

I was expecting a bloodbath, but Lo and behold you—

Oz puts a finger up, as though to say “one sec…”. Miranda is stunned into silence.

After a beat, a toxic looking black miasma spews from Oz’ severed arm. Polly winces at the sight, even if Miranda is a little thrilled by it. The substance bubbles a little before reforming in the shape of Oz’ lost arm. Oz flexes it a little to get used to it, before turning back to the girls.

OZ

Phew… Sorry for interrupting. What were you going to say?

MIRANDA

… Nothing.

Polly laughs nervously.

POLLY

(UNCOMFORTABLE) H-Haha! U-Uh, were you going to tell us you were immortal or were we supposed to figure that out… ourselves…?

OZ

Well, Immortal is a strong word, it’s more like I’m… how do I describe this… I just have that thing salamanders have but for…

Oz vaguely motions to his whole body.

OZ

Everything, I guess. Anything that gets cut off regrows.

MIRANDA

I see, I see… much like a starfish, in that case.

POLLY

Wait, Starfish can do that?

OZ

Yeah, Miranda, that’s pretty much how it works.

POLLY

(ALARMED) Hold on, do you mean starfish can do this shit too?

MIRANDA

Nevermind Starfish. this is a most joyous turn of events! We can just repeatedly feed you to our pet! Another dire issue solved by my genius!

POLLY

I… guess so? Good work Oz, your weirdness never ceases to… amaze me.

Polly gives Oz a thumbs up. Oz returns it as he pets the totem once more.

Oz and the girls make to leave, and Oz motions for the totem to follow them, but before it does, the totem looks to the ground, where a small piece of Oz’ arm remains. The totem dips down and swallows it, but as soon as it does, its pupils widen somewhat.

TOTEM

**_… O…zh…_ **

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL – AUDITORIUM – MEANWHILE

Liam stands before the seats and clears his throat.

LIAM

(SELF-IMPORTANT) Alright people, let’s get to work, we don’t have all day. Any questions though, before we start?

Reverse shot: Brian and Valerie are sitting in front of him. Valerie’s wearing sunglasses, and sits in the most relaxed way possible, taking up almost three seats. Brian’s comparatively more reserved but still not entirely polite. He’s got his hand up. Liam motions to him.

LIAM

Brian?

BRIAN

Yeah, I’m just wondering: when can I leave?

LIAM

(UNIMPRESSED) Well, aren’t you blasé. Both of you ought to take this a little more seriously, you’ve been given the HONOR of--

Brian has his hand up again. Liam takes a patient breath and motions to him.

LIAM

… Brian--?

BRIAN

Cool, but like, when can I leave, though?

LIAM

(ANNOYED) Unfortunately, Brian Yu, that won’t be for a while. In case that pallid brain of yours let it slip, the BOTH of you are here to aid me, as part of your penal labor following your respective strings of code of conduct violations – skipping detention, fighting on school property, peddling used tampons, selling dangerous artifacts… Has that _jogged_ your memory?

BRIAN

(IMPRESSED) Dang, Liam, what’s there left to jog? Practically carried my memory all the way to the finish line with that exposition. Who are you, Miranda? You should be a writer or something.

LIAM

(ANNOYED) I _AM_ a writer! That’s why you guys are-- (FACEPALMING) We walked all the way to the auditorium and I made sure to ask if you two had any idea what we were doing _precisely_ so I wouldn’t have to re-explain everything and yet here are! Open those decomposing ears for once and pay attention. I’m explaining this for the last time.

Valerie snores and readjusts her positioning. As she returns to her comfort, she starts breathing softly. Brian and Liam stare at her for a beat.

LIAM

She better not be sleeping.

Brian takes her sunglasses off. Her eyes are closed, and she begins snoring loudly. Liam looks truly defeated.

Valerie snores loud enough to wake herself up.

VALERIE

(GROGGY) H-Hmm? What’s up?

BRIAN

Ah, nothin’ much.

VALERIE

(MUTTERING) Oh, Liam’s right there. (TO LIAM) Yooo, Liam.

BEAT.

VALERIE

So like, when can we leave?

Liam is defeated even further.

LIAM

… I’m just going to wipe the last fifteen minutes from my memory. (LETTING FRUSTRATION SLIP) What you two were _MEANT_ to be doing was help me supervise the auditions for a role in the play _I WROTE FOR THE SCHOOL_ (MUTTERING UNDER BREATH) As part of my own penal labor for summoning a sexual deviant on campus _._

brian

What was that?

LIAM

(IGNORING) I gave you both scripts – which I’m going to assume you’ve lost and certainly never _read -_ In order to help me see the scene and the characters in a broader view.

Brian raises his hand up. Liam gives Brian a cold glare.

BRIAN

No, it’s a real question this time.

LIAM

(CONCEDING) What is it, Brian.

BRIAN

This seems like kind of a weird way to have us make up for missed detentions. Do they just do this here?

LIAM

Not usually, but the school gave me the option to take you on and I agreed. That said, I accepted thinking that since you two have such different perspectives from me, you might’ve been able to see what I’ve written in a more holistic view. Now, granted, I realize my perspective is unlike yours because _I_ have a functioning brain _._ I have copies of the script for the scene the actors will be playing… Read it or don’t, I don’t care.

BRIAN

(LAUGHING) We really wore you down, huh?

Liam hands the scripts to Brian and Valerie. Valerie just chucks it to the side.

LIAM

I’m going to go signal the stagehands. The auditions are going to start soon, I want you two on your best and most artistically minded behavior, ok?

Liam exits. Valerie slumps in her seat.

VALERIE

Judging an audition… I guess it beats just blowing my brains out.

BRIAN

By how much?

VALERIE

Hmmmmm…

Valerie puts her fingers practically together.

VALERIE

Like _this_ much.

BRIAN

(LAUGHING) Believe me, being dead stinks way more than telling some theater kids they suck for a few hours.

VALERIE

Whatever you say, tampon boy.

BRIAN

… Alright I expect that nickname from Amira, but you of all people know why I took that god damn tampon.

VALERIE

And thank you for doing so! That thing’s been in my warehouse forever, you’re a real lifesaver finding a use for it.

BEAT.

BRIAN

But--?

VALERIE

But the kid posted that video he took of you and it got fifty thousand hits in the first 24 hours, so I refuse to trade in my right to think that’s FUCKING hilarious.

BRIAN

(DEAD INSIDE) Great.

Brian hazards a look inside his copy of the script.

VALERIE

Don’t tell me you’re actually going to read that…

BRIAN

(ABSENTMINDED) I might as well… Getting yelled at takes a lot of energy.

Brian turns the page and looks progressively more confused.

BRIAN

Actually, reading this might take a lot of energy too.

Brian flips the script over so Valerie can see the title. Valerie squints as she tries to read it.

VALERIE

“Rhamletereo and Macbethelluliet…”

Brian motions for her to continue.

BRIAN

(POINTING TO PAGE) The rest of this is the title, too.

VALERIE

“Rhamletereo and Macbethelluliet – a midsummer night’s Lear…” (TURNING TO BRIAN) “… In venice.”

Valerie hands the paper back to Brian. She's cringing in her seat.

BRIAN

(ACQUIESING) Yeah. It’s a doozy huh?

VALERIE

Ugggghhhhhh.

BRIAN

Here's a fun little tidbit. The part we’re going to be judging is for the role of Mercutio III. Now, get this: He’s not named ‘III’ because he’s the third of anything, it’s not a lineage thing.

VALERIE

(PAINED) Uh-huh?

BRIAN

(HOLDING BACK LAUGHTER) He’s… his name is Mercutio III because. He’s a robot.

Valerie lurches back in her chair, both hands on her face, groaning loudly.

BRIAN

(LAUGHING) Not only does he die in the story… He dies _twice._ They reincarnate him as like a weird… cyborg person. That's why he's "III".

Valerie’s groaning shifts into laughter.

VALERIE

(LAUGHING) You’ve gotta be kidding me- who the hell _wrote_ this?!

LIAM 

(O.S.) Alright, places everyone!

Liam exits backstage and hops in a seat near Brian and Valerie. The lights dim and from the curtains, a creature more tentacle than anything else crawls onstage. Half the costume is metal. Valerie and Brian look at each other and try not to burst out laughing.

ACT TWO

EXT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL – QUAD – AFTERNOON

Oz, Polly and Miranda are hanging out in the Quad, having a picnic. Polly’s lounging back on the grass looking at the sky for a beat.

polly

You know what I just realized?

OZ

What?

POLLY

This is a pretty shitty picnic.

As she says this, Polly takes a big swig of a bottle of whiskey.

oz

Yeah, good point actually.

MIRANDA

Whatever do you mean?

OZ

Neither of us actually eats.

Indeed: neither of them is eating any food. Polly’s just drinking, Miranda has not one crumb of bread before her, and neither does Oz.

MIRANDA

That’s simply untrue- I’m eating as we speak. Look.

Miranda points to in the distance where a merperson is eating one of the sandwiches the group prepared. The merperson gives a thumbs up.

MIRANDA

See? And apparently, I think the food is really good! (HAND ON STOMACH) Mmm! Delicious.

OZ

Nice, Miranda. A master of eating food.

POLLY

What about you, Oz? I thought you ate.

OZ

I _guess_ I do… I don’t really need to, though.

MIRANDA

But you’re in the cafeteria every day? And your little black things- _they_ eat. Don’t they?

OZ

They don’t really eat either, no. They just sort of… get rid of it?

Miranda and Polly both look confused at that explanation.

OZ

It’s sort of like, trash disposal. None of it ends up in me or anything. I can taste it if I concentrate, but other than that…

MIRANDA

Is that so…

POLLY

Man… 

Polly finishes her bottle of whiskey and tries to pour out the very last drop.

POLLY

Why is it every time I learn something new about Oz he just gets weirder and weirder…

OZ

H-Hey…

MIRANDA

I must admit, I’ve been thinking the same thing. We’ve already ruled out you being a ghost but… what _are_ you?

OZ

Th-That’s--!

POLLY

(COMPLETING) “That’s” a really good question. Lil’ buddy ate like 50 people before he ate _one_ of your arms and was _fully_ satisfied. What are you made of, dude?

OZ

… That’s personal.

POLLY

Booo. Why not just tell us? You couldn’t possibly be weirder to me than you already are.

OZ

M-Maybe its because… I don’t _want_ to be weird to you.

POLLY

A little late for that, I think.

OZ

Hey! I’m not _that_ weird. At least Lil’ Buddy doesn’t seem to think so, right? Don’t you, Lil’ Buddy?

The totem is currently gnawing on Oz’ leg.

OZ

Aw, Lil’ buddy… (GRABBING TOTEM) If you’re hungry you should just tell me!

The totem chomps through Oz’ thigh and separates the leg it was chewing. It devours the limb and rests, satisfied.

OZ

(PETTING TOTEM) Haha, are you full?

The totem’s pupils dilate some more.

OZ

Lil’ Buddy?

TOTEM

**…O… O…z…**

OZ

(AMAZED) Wha--?!

Polly and Miranda sit up.

miranda

What in Poseidon's name--?!

POLLY

Did Lil’ Buddy just speak?!

OZ

Holy crap, I think it just said Oz!

TOTEM

**… O…o…**

MIRANDA

He’s going to speak again! Say “Miranda”!

POLLY

(SARCASTIC) Yes, “Miranda”. Famous among the words that start with an “O” sound.

OZ

(PETTING TOTEM) You can do it… take your time…

TOTEM

**O… s…**

POLLY

… Os? What’s “Os”?

MIRANDA

(POUTING) It’s not Miranda…

OZ

(STERN) Lil’ Buddy? My name is Oz. O – Z. Oz.

TOTEM

**… Oz…?**

OZ

There, that’s it.

Oz is strangely serious. Suddenly though, a shadow casts over Oz and the girls. The three look up… to see another group of three.

The coven stands above the group wearing sour, disapproving expressions.

JOY

Am I mistaken, or is that the totem of Z’gord, Ruler of the dark realms?

BEAT.

Oz, without breaking eye-contact, slowly puts the totem under his shirt. He shrugs exaggeratedly. 

OZ

(EXAGGERATED) WhAAaat Totem--

The totem chews through his shirt.

OZ

… Lil’ Buddy, this is my only shirt.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL – AUDITORIUM – MEANWHILE

Brian and Valerie look on, bored out of their skulls.

A lizard person in a yellow musketeer outfit and robot makeup tediously performs a scene from Liam’s inane play.

LIZARD

(EMOTIONAL) Oh, love – my love – love for which I breathe and be, would thy to see me once again, upon thine fair visage would show but despair; yet alas, I cannot cease my search for my heart and your heart are one – my soul and your soul are one – and only thy love, blessed be, can lay to rest my tortured, mechanical soul…

The lizard starts openly weeping. Brian and Liam politely clap. Valerie doesn’t budge at all.

BRIAN

That was all one sentence…

LIAM

(THROUGH LOUDSPEAKER) Alright, Johnathan, thank you for that… Very passionate performance…

Johnathan the lizard is still crying on stage.

LIAM

(THROUGH LOUDSPEAKER) We’ll let you know if you get the part… So um, you don’t have to--

Johnathan cries even louder.

LIAM

(TO BRIAN AND VALERIE) Alright, I know my writing’s good but this is getting ridiculous--

Valerie snatches the loudspeaker from Liam.

VALERIE

(TO JOHNATHAN, THROUGH LOUDSPEAKER) Would you get off the stage already?! You’re not getting the part!

JOHNATHAN

Wha—

VALERIE

(THROUGH LOUDSPEAKER) Believe me, I understand why you’re crying – I’d cry too if I looked like you - but do that on your own time! Or are your tears the only way you can moisturize what must be the driest skin I've ever laid eyes on?! Is your loofa made of barbed wire?! You have the complexion of the Sahara Desert!

JOHNATHAN

I--

BRIAN

(THROUGH LOUDSPEAKER) What I’m wondering—

Brian has manifested a loudspeaker as well.

VALERIE

(THROUGH LOUDSPEAKER) What are you wondering, Brian? What are your thoughts?

BRIAN

(THROUGH LOUDSPEAKER) What I’m wondering is how did he get that MASSIVE head inside that tiny shirt?

VALERIE

(THROUGH LOUDSPEAKER) Great observation, the answer is they must’ve sewn it around his neck like a bib.

BRIAN

(THROUGH LOUDSPEAKER) I should’ve known, there’s no way around building the shirt to accommodate the oversized football he’s got sitting on his shoulders.

Valerie

(THROUGH LOUDSPEAKER) I’m starting to think he’s crying because he realized the fake girl from the play was the closest he was ever going to get to getting an actual girlfriend. That’s probably why he auditioned in the first place! What do you think, Johnathan? How likely is that on a scale of 99% to 100%? 

Johnathan gets up and attempts to retort… but nothing comes. He hangs his head in shame and turns to the curtains to leave.

VALERIE

(THROUGH LOUDSPEAKER) If anyone backstage is hearing this, use promo code "JOHNATHAN" on my online store to get 50% off any lotion purchases. Same for you, Johnny, considering your situation, I can probably write off anything you buy as a charitable donation.

BRIAN

(THROUGH LOUDSPEAKER) Make sure to use it _moisturize_ though, capiche?

Johnathan walks off the stage. Brian and Valerie couldn't be more pleased with themselves. Liam looks as though he just saw the world end.

BRIAN & VALERIE

(SIMULTANEOUS, POINTING AT LOUDSPEAKERS) We’re not giving you these back.

liam

Uh--

VALERIE

(THROUGH LOUDSPEAKER) BRING THE NEXT IDIOT, PEOPLE! WE DON’T HAVE ALL DAY!

The crew backstage pushes out the next actor, a thin, wiry little goblin.

GOBLIN

Ah-hem, My name’s Bu’lbo, I’m auditioning for—

VALERIE

(THROUGH LOUDSPEAKER) EWWWW What the fuck is THAT????

goblin

E-excuse me?

BRIAN

(THROUGH LOUDSPEAKER) Those have got to be the biggest, floppiest ears I’ve ever seen… and that’s saying a lot, since Liam’s sitting right next to me.

VALERIE

(THROUGH LOUDSPEAKER) We probably don’t even need these loudspeakers to make fun of him, watch--

Valerie turns off the loudspeaker.

VALERIE

(TO GOBLIN) Your teeth are disgusting, they look like you eat concrete for breakfast.

BRIAN

(THROUGH LOUDSPEAKER) Did you hear that, Bu'lbo baggins?

GOBLIN

… Yes, but--

valerie

(TURNING ON LOUDSPEAKER) TOLD YOU!

GOBLIN

The auditorium was quiet! of course, I’d--!

BRIAN

(THROUGH LOUDSPEAKER) Hmmmm not _that_ quiet.

VALERIE

(THROUGH LOUDSPEAKER) Not _that_ quiet! We’re far away, dude!

LIAM

Are you two going to let him audition?!

BRIAN & VALERIE

(THROUGH LOUDSPEAKER, TO LIAM) Nope!

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL – PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – LATER

Oz, Polly and Miranda are standing opposite the coven in Principal Giant Spider’s office. Everyone's yelling at each other. The noise is incomprehensible, as everyone’s just shouting over one another. Principal giant spider is in the middle, looking beyond exasperated. After a beat, he pounds his desk.

PGS

(ANGRY) STOP IT! All six of you, cease this at once!

Everyone falls silent. PGS massages the general area of his temple with one of his legs and grabs his coffee cup with another.

PGS

Alright. Start over – ONE AT A TIME. What’s the issue here?

Joy raises her hand. PGS motions to her.

JOY

Thank you, sir. I’d like to first apologize for our rudeness just a moment ago, it won’t repeat itself.

PGS

Mhm.

JOY

The reason we’ve called upon you is that _these_ three are in possession of an EXTREMELY dangerous, ancient MAGIC artifact--

HOPE

(INTERRUPTING) And that’s ILLEGAL! EXPEL THEM NOW!

JOY

Hope!

polly

(CONDESCENDING) Hey, husky – tell short stack over here to relax.

JOY

You’ll have to excuse Hope, she’s been having a rough couple days. Oh, and call me Husky again and I’ll exorcise you.

HOPE

Hey, ghost girl! You’re friends with Vera right?!

POLLY

We’re besties, why do you--

HOPE

Once we’re through here, you better tell that blight of upon the school to step down IMMEDIATELY from the council presidency! Everyone at this school knows _WE_ were the ones who deserved that spot!

MIRANDA

Bite thy tongue, commoner! We shall do NO such thing! Even if I lost, I’d rather lose to an admirable adversary like Vera, than buzzkills like you three!

POLLY

Also, who is “everyone”? I’m pretty sure they put it to a vote and you straight up lost.

HOPE

SHUT UP!

Hope huffs, severely frustrated.

HOPE

I _can’t_ accept this! We work so hard for everyone’s sake, and yet we always get disrespected! It’s not fair!

POLLY

And what’s that got to do with us?! Get off our back, loser!

FAITH

(MENACING) Don’t you dare call her a loser.

Polly freezes. In fact, everyone does. The normally relaxed Faith is seething mad. Polly gulps and shrinks a little.

Hope looks just as frustrated as before, but she remains silent. Faith gets up and pats her head.

FAITH

There, there… did you get it all out?

HOPE

(GRUMBLE) … yeah.

FAITH

Me and Joy’ll take care of this. Just relax, ok?

HOPE

(SAD) … ok.

FAITH

Good girl. (TO OZ AND THE GIRLS) I’m not going to mince words here. All three of you have reached a level of immaturity… recklessness… and irresponsibility I never thought _anyone_ could reach.

oz

Wh… what did we do?

Everyone turns to the totem in Oz arms. It’s nuzzled into his chest.

FAITH

Oz… do you _know_ what you’re holding?

OZ

(NERVOUS) Um… I-It’s our pet. Its name is Lil’ Buddy and--

Faith shushes Oz.

fAITH

What you have clasped in your hands – what the two girls beside you no doubt have duped you into caring for – is nothing but a plague upon the world. Do not dissuade yourself: Not only is Z’gord, ruler of the dark realms, NOT a pet – it is a godless, loveless and merciless creature that will only feel the joy you’ve projected onto it when it has razed this city… this _planet_ … to nothing.

BEAT.

FAITH

Normally, the god within that totem would remain locked inside… On its own, it can’t break the seal that’s keeping it trapped. However, if someone were to give it strength…

The totem chews on Oz’ hand. Its pupils are dilated.

FAITH

Do you understand, Oz? Your actions are bringing us closer and closer to annihilation.

Everyone’s quiet for a tense moment.

oz

… It’s name is Lil’ Buddy and he’s a very nice little guy, he’s good at picking up on people’s moods--

faith

(EXASPERATED) Oh, goddess…

JOY

Give me a BREAK!

Joy jumps to her feet.

JOY

People have died because of this thing! MANY people! And in case you weren’t listening, EVERYONE will die if you don’t give us that thing so we can throw it in a volcano!

FAITH

And throw the volcano into outer space.

OZ

I--!

Oz jumps to his feet.

OZ

I’m not giving him up! I love him!

JOY

(SARCASTIC) Wow, why didn’t you say so sooner that changes everything-- (SERIOUS) Give us the totem, idiot.

OZ

No!

Joy groans.

OZ

All three of us love him, and we’re gonna stand by him! Right, guys?!

Oz turns to Polly and Miranda. Neither of them is reciprocating his determination. In fact, they both look deeply uncomfortable.

POLLY

Should I tell him or should you?

MIRANDA

You ought to, I believe. This whole thing wasn’t my idea after all.

POLLY

Fine…

Polly and Miranda get up…

OZ

… Guys?

… And walk over to the coven’s side.

POLLY

Oz…

INT. AUDITORIUM – MEANWHILE

Brian and Valerie are in the auditorium, judging the audition of a sentient block of cement.

BRIAN

(ALARMED) You sold them _what_?

VALERIE

I sold them this weird, cursed totem thing. Said they needed it to get back at some guy who pissed them off. What was his name… Uhh--?

BRIAN

Don’t even try, I know you don’t remember.

VALERIE

You’re right, I have no clue. I don’t retain names unless they’ve given me money. But yeah, that’s why I’m here… yelling at stone slabs…

The sentient block of cement blinks slowly.

BRIAN

How many more of these guys do we have left?

INT. PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE – MEANWHILE

Oz is sitting down, deeply disturbed. He’s cradling the totem in his arms, and stroking it nervously.

POLLY

… Do you get it now?

Oz doesn’t respond.

POLLY

Oz, we are not close enough for me to give a shit about you pouting, do you get it? Can I leave?

OZ

… This is cruel.

Oz looks up.

OZ

This was cruel.

Polly chuckles.

POLLY

Shut up, man. Cruel? Seriously?

OZ

This was cruel to this creature. Lil’ Buddy deserves better than this.

POLLY

Would you please stop pretending to like that thing? We were pranking you, dude. You can stop getting pranked, now.

OZ

Polly, I’m not pretending! I--… I don’t care if I have to protect him by myself, I will!

MIRANDA

Oz, cease this at once!

Miranda gets really serious.

MIRANDA

You’re embarrassing yourself! That thing you’re holding is vile! And every moment you spend shielding it from a rightful death, makes you that much more vile yourself!

OZ

Shut up, Miranda! You don’t love anyone but yourself, what would you know?!

MIRANDA

I don’t--?!

Polly slaps Oz hard.

OZ

(RE: GETTING SLAPPED) Ow!

POLLY

What the hell did you just say?!

OZ

I--…!

POLLY

You don’t have a right to say that! What the fuck is wrong with you?!

Oz looks away, obviously regretful, but just as angry as before.

POLLY

You _barely_ know Miranda, what would _you_ know?! How _dare_ you say that to her! This is _low_ , Oz!

All the girls echo this sentiment. Miranda looks legitimately hurt by Oz’ comment. Oz, clearly affected by all this pressure, steps back.

FAITH

Oz, by protecting that thing you’re in obvious violation of many rules in the code of conduct. is this correct, Principal?

PRINCIPAL

It is correct. Furthermore, since this totem does house a greater spirit within, if anything were to be released from it due to actions on your part, it would constitute a rule-breaking case of summoning. I'm starting to get tired of always saying this, but you would get expelled on the spot.

POLLY

Give it up, Oz. No way that thing’s worth getting expelled over. Apologize, hand it to the narcs, and _maybe_ we can be friends like before.

Oz is pensive for a beat… before steeling himself.

He breathes in… And--!

OZ

(POINTING AWAY) Look! It’s the ice cream wizard!

BEAT.

No one even attempts to turn around.

That’s a lie, the principal fell for it.

OZ

… I was hoping it’d work for your sakes. After all…

A black portal opens from below Oz’ feet.

OZ

You seem to think everything I do is weird. Right? Polly?

Oz falls in the portal, along with the totem. It closes behind him. He’s gone without a trace.

BEAT.

POLLY

… That was pretty sick, actually. I’m glad I saw that.

HOPE

Right? That was cool.

POLLY

Why does he even walk anywhere?

Miranda is heartbroken over what’s transpired. Polly sighs sympathetically and pulls Miranda in for a hug.

EXT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, WOODS BEHIND THE AUDITORIUM – SUNSET

The totem floats along, taking in the new environment. It takes a meandering path through the forest of tall trees.

Behind it is Oz, who’s watching over it. He stops momentarily and looks at the totem. A butterfly lands on it. The totem doesn’t cause it any harm… in fact it seems to be actively admiring it.

Oz looks proud for a moment… but that pride subsides just as quickly as it came. He looks down to his hand, reforming from the nibbles the totem took out of it.

Oz looks back up. The totem has attracted quite a few butterflies. It looks… happy.

TOTEM

**Oz…**

Oz looks at the totem with a gentle expression, masking an inner sadness.

EXT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, WOODS BEHIND THE AUDITORIUM, CLIFF’S EDGE – LATER

Beyond the trees lies a cliff’s edge. Beyond that… lies an unbroken view of the horizon. The totem and Oz finally arrive at their destination. The sunset before them stretches as far as the eye can see.

OZ

Here we are. This is what I wanted to show you… What do you think?

The totem looks out at the sunset. It lets out a low growl, mesmerized by the sight. Oz takes this in and sits by the cliff’s edge, beside the totem. The two just watch the sunset for a while.

TOTEM

**OZ… Thank… Y…ou…**

The totem speaks, still looking at the sunset.

It turns… only to see Oz doubled over.

Sobbing.

The totem, housing a great and powerful god… backs away, ever so slightly.

TOTEM

**Oz… ?**

OZ

(SADDENED)… am I cursed?

The totem wields an inscrutable expression.

OZ

The way they acted I… I know I should’ve known better, but I sincerely believed that they cared for you. I really thought that… they loved you, you know? And I thought that…

Oz looks as though there’s a dagger going through his heart.

OZ

… I thought that they were starting to really trust me. Maybe even… _understand_ me. I thought… after such a bumpy start, it finally happened. I made some real friends.

Oz looks back down.

OZ

(DEFEATED) None of that is _true,_ though.

Oz sighs deeply, and puts his legs up, sitting in a fetal position.

OZ

(PAINED) Why is it so hard…? Why is it that, no matter what I do… I always end up right back here?

Oz’ eyes show the depth of his despair. He feels as though he’s truly lost every scrap of hope he had in his soul. 

TOTEM

**OZ…**

Oz turns to the Totem, but as he does his expression shifts from sadness to a rising fear.

The totem is angry. It lunges forward and takes a bite out of Oz’ torso. Oz stumbles backwards and clutches his side. It devours the flesh in an instant.

TOTEM

**THANK YOU…**

oz

(SCARED) L-Lil’ Buddy…?

Cracks appear on the totem’s surface. Its eyes turn fully black. Its mouth stretches, as its horns extend.

From its gaping maw, tentacles burst forth.

OZ

WOAH!

A seemingly endless number of tentacles spew from the totem, coalescing into a chaotic, swirling mass. As the tentacles fuse, they give form to a massive, gruesome, inexplicable creature.

Z’GORD AVATAR

**… ITS MY TURN.**

The lumbering creature marches toward Spooky High. It crushes every bit of the forest in its path, its course unchangeable.

Oz groans as his torso heals.

OZ

(MUTTERING) This is _seriously_ my only shirt…!

Oz looks up and sees the creature lumbering toward the school.

OZ

(DESPERATE) Oh no.

ACT THREE

EXT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, FOREST NEAR AUDITORIUM – CONT’D

The beast within the totem continues its march toward the school – rather, it’s instinctively going toward the first building it can see: the auditorium.

Behind it, Oz is in desperate chase.

OZ

(HUFFING) L-Lil’ Buddy! Calm down, please!

The creature ignores Oz’ pleas and lumbers further still. Oz falls to his knees, exhausted.

OZ

Geez… Am I unathletic or what? (PENSIVE) Well I did just get my lung bitten out… Oh, now’s not the time for this! I’ve gotta get to him, he’ll destroy the school at this rate…!

Oz steels himself and resumes chase.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, AUDITORIUM – MEANWHILE

Cutting back to the auditorium, Liam, Brian and Valerie are still going through the auditions… or rather that’s what they’re supposed to be doing.

There’s a Kelpie on stage, looking apprehensive at being castigated before getting the chance to act.

VALERIE

(THROUGH LOUDSPEAKER) What on earth is _this_ thing…?

KELPIE

(ANNOYED) I’m a Kel--

BRIAN

(INTERRUPTING, THROUGH LOUDSPEAKER) Don’t bother, just get off the stage. And ask your parents how you’re both horse AND a fish. Someone cheated, that’s a guarantee.

The kelpie resigns itself and exits the stage.

Valerie turns off the loudspeaker and lounges backwards, sighing deeply. Brian hands her a bottle of water.

VALERIE

Thanks. My throat's _so_ dry right now.

BRIAN

Hey, you’re doing god’s work. Least I could do.

VALERIE

In that case, give me a massage. I’ve been in this chair all day…

BRIAN

Right away, Ma’am.

Brian jumps over the seats and gives Valerie a massage.

LIAM

I’m glad _you_ two are having fun…

Liam is pretty miffed at this turn of events.

LIAM

 _That_ was the last of the actors for today. You certainly made _my_ job easy…

BRIAN

You don’t mind Valerie and I just sending all these people back?

LIAM

No, quite honestly, I welcome it. Not a single person who’s shown up has impressed me at all. If they can’t even handle a little lambasting, they’re not fit to be part of my theatre. (MUTTERING) Also, it’s not like _I_ wanted to do this job either…

POLLY 

(O.S.) Oh yeah, I guess they had to punish you for summoning the prince that one time…

Brian and Liam turn to Polly and Miranda, who’re sitting behind them. The both of them seem…

miranda

(DOWNTRODDEN) Hello, friends…

LIAM

What are you two doing here?

POLLY

It’s a long story… basically we’re hiding out here.

BRIAN

Hiding from what?

POLLY

I don’t know, man… a lotta things.

MIRANDA

I wonder if Oz is ok…

POLLY

(HALF-HEARTED) Hey…

MIRANDA

I’m serious! He didn’t get expelled do you think?

POLLY

Miri, you know him. There’s no way he’s not gonna do what the principal wants him to. He’ll come around eventually.

MIRANDA

I suppose so…

VALERIE

(RE: TURNING TO POLLY AND MIRANDA) Oh hey, it’s you girls! How’d the prank go?

POLLY

Terrible, thank you for asking. We got called to the principal’s office.

LIAM

Why?

POLLY

The coven snitched on us having an evil totem. Apparently, it’s against the rules to have it ‘cause there’s some kind of god inside and if it gets out that counts as summoning and we’ll get expelled.

BRIAN

You know, if you didn’t know what this school was like, you’d easily assume “Summoning being outlawed” would be a MUCH smaller problem than it is.

POLLY

Right?

Miranda looks away, troubled. Polly looks at her for a little bit before inquiring.

POLLY

… Miranda, say it.

MIRANDA

Say what?

POLLY

I know that look, you want to say something, but you’re scared it’ll make me mad. I won’t get mad, so say it.

MIRANDA

If Oz does what the Principal wants him to… what would that mean for Lil’ Buddy?

POLLY

(TICKED OFF) Well, we don’t exactly have the right to wonder about that, now do we?

MIRANDA

(MUTTERING, SERIOUS) … This is our fault.

POLLY

(SNAPPING) Would you quit saying that?!

MIRANDA

It’s true! The prank failed as soon as he fed the totem with no issue – we should’ve just cut it short before he had the chance to get attached! Now he’s off doing god knows what, risking expulsion, this is foul!

POLLY

Sorry, I missed the part where we decided whatever weird attachment that loser makes is our responsibility!

MIRANDA

Aren’t we at least a little to blame?! We kept undermining him all day, it’s only natural he’d spurn us thinking we’d abandon him like we did Lil’ Buddy!

POLLY

So?! I don’t care WHAT that guy thinks about us!

MIRANDA

(SADDENED) You… You don’t mean that… do you?

Polly tries to retort but the words get caught in her throat. Miranda sighs and looks away.

However, after a beat…

LIAM

Hey… do you hear that?

VALERIE

Of course, _you_ heard it with _those_ ears-- (CATCHING HERSELF) Uh, sorry Liam that just slipped out.

LIAM

Alright, ouch, but Shh!! Listen…

Everyone present listens. A low rumble is heard across the auditorium, increasing in volume. Louder and louder still, until it rises to a deafening roar.

BRIAN

(COLLAPSING) Wh-wha…!?

LIAM

What is this?!

Everyone present falls to the ground, holding their ears in pain as the ground shakes violently. Or at least almost everyone.

POLLY

G-Guys?! Guys, what’s wrong?!

The ground’s shaking continues, rising in ferocity until it reaches its climax--

A long, twisting tentacle crashes through the backdrop of the auditorium. It rips a jagged hole through the wall. Beyond the tear, a single unblinking eye is seen.

With a thunderous crash, the creature from within the totem demolishes the wall of the auditorium. It lets out a loud, horrifying scream.

BEAT.

BRIAN

… Alright, so do we run now or should I wait? I don’t wanna be rude or anything.

LIAM

NEVERMIND THAT, JUST RUN!

Liam tries to jump over the seats and reach the exit, but as he does, one of the creature’s eyes focuses on him. A massive, cursed-looking magic circle encroaches itself onto the ground below everyone in attendance, including Liam who’s still running for the exit. He barely has time to put his hand on the handle before, with a blink from the creature, sickly-looking green light spews forth from the magic circle, enveloping everyone.

After a beat, Liam opens his eyes groggily.

LIAM

(TIRED) Wha…

Liam looks down.

LIAM

(TERRIFIED) WHAAAAT--?!

His entire lower half is encased in stone. Liam looks up to see everyone, fully petrified. Or rather, once again, almost everyone.

Polly stands perfectly still, frozen in true terror. She’s not petrified, but… she might as well be. She turns her gaze toward Liam, who’s just as scared as she is.

POLLY

Liam--

Z’GORD AVATAR

**PO…LLY…**

Polly feels her heart sink. She turns, slowly, back toward the creature from the totem. It faces her, emotionless.

POLLY

(AGHAST) L… Lil’ buddy…?

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL – AUDITORIUM, BACKSTAGE – MEANWHILE

Oz busts through the doors backstage. It’s totally empty. 

OZ

H-hello! Anybody in here?! You’ve gotta run if you’re still here!

No one responds. 

OZ

… Nobody?

Everyone who was here before must’ve ran once they heard the noise.

Oz tries to run toward the stage, but he stumbles over something and bends down to pick it up. It’s the Mercutio III costume, sans the robot accoutrements, ditched by one of the actors as they ran. He looks at the costume, then to his ruined clothes.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL – AUDITORIUM – MEANWHILE

The creature from within the totem crawls, ever so slowly toward Polly, who shakes in fear. She steps backwards, and bumps into the auditorium seats – doing so brings her attention to Miranda’s petrified form.

POLLY

M-Miri…!

Polly reaches out, trying to grab Miranda, but…

POLLY

H-huh…?!

Polly’s hand passes right through. She tries, again and again, to grab her friend, to bring her somewhere safe, but she just can’t. Every one of her attempts just ends with her phasing through Miranda.

POLLY

(DESPERATE) No… Nonono No please…!

One last attempt… and she notices.

Polly turns around… The beast is upon her. It readies a mangled hand, preparing to strike. Polly flinches--

OZ 

(O.S.) POLLY!

The beast stops, dead in its tracks. It, and Polly, turn to Oz, who’s standing onstage. His breathing is heavy, since he did just run here, but for some reason he looks… gallant? It’s probably just the outfit, though. He’s wearing the Mercutio III costume from before.

Suddenly, the stage lights thunk on. The lights on the seats dim, and a single spotlight illuminates Oz.

Polly, surprised by this, turns to Liam, who’s got the controller for the lights in his hands. He motions for Polly to ignore him, and points at Oz.

OZ

(PLEADING) … Buddy.

The beast approaches Oz, ever so slightly.

OZ

… Buddy, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, for everything you had to go through, just because of us. I spent so much time trying to care for you, then trying to defend you, then trying to stop you from killing everyone here that I forgot what REALLY mattered all along!

Oz steps forward. So does the beast.

OZ

You! YOU matter! What you want matters – way more than what I want, or what I’m going through. I know that deep down… you’re trying to do right by me. You think these guys hurt me, and that you should hurt them in return, but listen! I don’t WANT that! Lil' Buddy… You wanna know what I want, more than anything?

Oz pauses.

OZ

I want you to have the right to choose. You deserve better than to be used by everyone around you. This whole time, you’ve been stuck in the middle of all these people projecting whatever they wanted onto you – the coven taking their frustrations out on me through you, Polly and Miranda taking their frustrations out on… me through you again, And me! Who took my frustrations of myself, ON myself… through you!

The beast looks deep in thought.

oz

… People can’t understand what I am. I'm vile… unkind… alien, strange-- I'm awful! To be honest, I wish I could be anything other than what I am. So, believe me when I say… I don’t ever want you to feel that way. Because when you keep letting people alienate you, eventually, you start alienating yourself. It’s a scary feeling… You lose yourself in that. You start accepting whatever people say you are. You start… _lying_ about who you are! Straight to the face of the people who might've understood you if you just… 

Oz looks at the petrified Miranda.

Oz

… gave them the chance.

Oz tightens his fists and steels himself.

OZ

To us you were our pet Lil’ Buddy, to the coven you’re Z’Gord, ruler of the dark realms, but… none of that matters anymore. You hear me?

Oz steps forward again.

OZ

None of that matters! The only thing that matters is your _freedom!_ Whatever it is, find it! Please… find it. Be yourself. Ok?

The beast approaches Oz… It’s almost upon him, when suddenly Polly appears right in front of Oz.

OZ

Polly?!

POLLY

Stop it!!

Polly puts her arms out in front of Oz, standing before the beast. You can tell she’s terrified… but she’s trying to defend Oz.

POLLY

(TERRIFIED) I’m… (STEELING HERSELF) I’m NOT going to let you do ANYTHING to him, you hear me?! He…

Polly gets quiet…

POLLY

He doesn’t deserve it.

… then loud.

POLLY

I’m the one who abandoned you, right?! I’m the one you want, aren’t I?! _I'_ _m_ the one who used you! 

Z’GORD AVATAR

**Polly…**

Polly stops. She looks up, at the beast. It should be impossible to tell, since its face is the twisting, unholy mass it is, but there is not a hint of malice in him.

Polly understands. She puts her arms down and steps aside. Oz looks at the beast for a moment… then steps toward Polly.

POLLY

Oz--…

Oz takes Polly’s hand.

POLLY

Huh--?!

Oz opens Polly’s hand and puts something inside, before closing it tight.

oz

(WHISPERING) Don’t let this go.

Polly, bewildered, wordlessly acquiesces.

Oz finally walks toward the beast. He seems to already understand what it wants.

Z’GORD AVATAR

**OZ…**

OZ

Yeah?

Z’GORD AVATAR

**Thank you.**

OZ

It’s ok.

Z’GORD AVATAR

… **Sorry.**

oz

… It’s ok.

Z’GORD AVATAR

**I am… Me.**

Oz nods, solemnly.

OZ

Yes, you are. Be better than me. Please.

The beast takes this in… dips down…

And eats Oz whole.

In one bite, Oz is consumed by the creature from within the totem.

POLLY

No…

Polly collapses, falling to her knees. Tears begin to well up in her eyes.

POLLY

(INCREDULOUS) Oz…?

The beast turns, patient, toward Polly.

Z’GORD AVATAR

**Polly.**

Polly says nothing.

Z’GORD AVATAR

**Take care…**

The beast points a long tentacle toward the object Oz gave Polly.

Z’GORD AVATAR

**… Of him.**

The beast turns toward an outer wall. It lumbers forth, exiting the auditorium, and leaving for the forest. It doesn’t look back.

Polly’s left alone in the empty auditorium. Her tears flow forth, but within her sadness, there is a quiet contemplation at the beasts’ final words. Slowly, Polly opens her hand.

Inside, there is a tiny speck of darkness, with two little eyes like stars in the night sky. One of Oz’ phobias… a piece of him.

POLLY

(TO HERSELF) Take care…

Oz closes her hands over the creature, and holds it tight against her chest, a tiny spark of hope twinkling within her.

With a thunk, the stage lights close.

CUT TO BLACK.

POST-CREDITS

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CLASSROOM – MORNING, RAIN

Polly’s in class, looking outside the window. She’s staring at the auditorium that’s being rebuilt.

On the other side of the classroom, Liam’s talking to Brian.

LIAM

(MID-CONVERSATION) You should’ve seen it; I was blown away. I mean at first, I was like “Oz?” But then? I was like “Oz…!” HE is the Mercutio III I’ve been looking for! I’ve half a mind to just rewrite the story to make HIM the main character, honestly. A stellar performance on his part.

BRIAN

Uh-huh… Sorry, who are you talking about?

LIAM

(MISTY-EYED) A future star of theatre… I just wish I hadn’t lost consciousness at the end there. He’s been absent for a couple days… I wonder what happened to him?

BRIAN

Ok, but who is this guy…

Cut to Polly, who had been listening to Liam and Brian’s conversation. Suddenly…

SCOTT 

(O.S.) Hey Polly!

Scott and Damien run up to Polly.

POLLY

(LOW-ENERGY) Oh… hi Scott. Hi Damien.

DAMIEN

Me and this guy are about to go prank some noobs over by the library, you wanna come?

SCOTT

Damien said he found something super prank-tastic this morning! He won’t tell me what it is though, which is also a pretty good prank, honestly… You’ve gotta come! It’s not a prank without Prank Master Polly!

Polly winces.

SCOTT

(WORRIED) Polly?

polly

Uh… sorry Scott, I’m not really in the mood for pranks right now.

DAMIEN

You sure? This one’s gonna be pretty sweet!

POLLY

… I’m sure.

SCOTT

Well… no point pressing it then. Polly’s not doing well right now, Damien.

DAMIEN

Man… suit yourself.

Damien and Scott leave the classroom. We hear some of their conversation.

SCOTT

Come ON, Damien! Please tell me what this sick prank is!

DAMIEN

Ok, ok, I’ll give you a hint. Imagine a CD but REALLY old…

scott

What’s a CD?

Polly waits for them to leave. Once they do, she reaches in her desk and pulls out…

POLLY

(SMILING) Hey… Lil’ Buddy.

… The piece of himself – The phobia - Oz gave her.

Polly takes a ruler from her desk and puts it against the little guy.

POLLY

2 centimeters from yesterday… you’re growing fast, aren’t you…?

Polly opens a notebook and turns it to a page where she’s written down the progress the phobia has made in its growth.

PHOBIA

**P…**

Polly stops, and looks at the phobia, amazed.

PHOBIA

**Po…lly…**

Polly smiles, wider and wider, a genuine pride welling up within her soul.

FADE OUT:

THE END


	8. Brian Makes a Friend

FADE IN:

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, VALERIE'S STORE – MORNING

Brian stands proud in Valerie’s store as she – meaning Valerie – hums a fanfare from within a storeroom.

VALERIE

(APPEARING) Tadadadaaaa!

Valerie appears holding a worn-looking apron. She scoots over to Brian and puts it on him.

VALERIE

And the finishing touch…

Valerie takes a badge from her back pocket and attaches it to Brian – when its affixed we can see what’s inscribed:

“VALERIE’S STORE EMPLOYEE – BRIAN”

Brian looks down at this badge, thankful.

BRIAN

Wow, you got me a badge and an apron and everything…

VALERIE

I wanted to go all out! You’re my first employee, after all.

BRIAN

I’m just impressed you managed to run this store by yourself for so long…

VALERIE

Believe me, it wasn’t easy. That said, I had my reasons for doing it alone until now…

BRIAN

Really? Like what?

VALERIE

Well one of them is the only other person whose business acumen I respected had her hands full managing her own stuff pretty much since I opened this place. Thankfully though, you managed to prove yourself useful, so I figured I’d give you a shot. For real, I have no idea how you managed to sell that tampon. When I gave you that test, I was _fully_ expecting you to fail.

BRIAN

(LAUGHING OFF) Ah, well don’t mention it. (SERIOUS) Seriously, never mention that.

VALERIE

Aside from the tampon thing, um…

Valerie looks away.

VALERIE

I guess I felt bad too.

Brian looks quizzical.

VALERIE

(APOLOGETIC) You’d been wanting to work with me for a while, and I thought I should honor your request after what happened in the auditorium.

brian

Oh right, that… honestly, I barely even remember it.

VALERIE

The principal called me in after. Man, he really chewed me out… Threatened to take away my license to sell stuff here if I didn’t stop selling products that were “A danger to everybody on earth”.

Valerie does air quotes with eight of her fingers instead of two on each hand. Brian chuckles in response.

BRIAN

(LAUGHING) I-Is that your impression of the principal?

VALERIE

Yeah, these are the legs.

Valerie wiggles her fingers a little. Brian laughs some more.

VALERIE

Normally I’d just tell whoever told me that kind of shit to suck it, but… Everybody at school could’ve died that night if it wasn’t for Oz… My sister, my friends… you… It really made me think, “I have to be more responsible…”

BRIAN

(TOUCHED) Valerie…

VALERIE

“… About hiding the dangerous stuff”. From now on, I’m thinking I put the safe stuff up front, but keep the gnarly shit in the back. (MISCHIEVOUS) What do you think?

BRIAN

(AMUSED) I was about to say – it’s not like you to let what’s right get in the way of what’s profitable.

VALERIE

The bottom line is everything, baby!

Brian laughs and smiles earnestly at Valerie, who smiles back just the same.

VALERIE

Alright! Enough talking – We just spent roughly 5 minutes without working toward a sale, so that’s 5 minutes of money YOU’VE gotta pay me back for.

The doors of the store open, jingling the bell attached to it.

VALERIE

Here comes your first customer. Whatever they want you get it, alright?

BRIAN

Yes, Ma’am!

Brian walks across the store, psyching himself up to make the sale. Finally, he gets to the front where…

BRIAN

Hello! Welcome to Valerie’s…

… his first customer is waiting…

BRIAN

(APPREHENSIVE) Store…

Before him stands none other than Aaravi Mishra, more commonly known as the slayer, and more immediately known as the girl who tried to kill Brian not too long ago. She eyes the merchandise before her with an impatient look on her face.

Brian forces a business smile.

BRIAN

… What can I get for you?

Aaravi eyes Brian up and down before turning back to the products on display. Eventually, with a commanding attitude—

AARAVI

I want _this_ —

Aaravi points to a deadly looking sword.

AARAVI

 _that_ —

Aaravi points to a wooden crossbow.

AARAVI

And…

Aaravi points to… Brian.

BRIAN

Yes, yes, right away—(REALIZING) Wait, what was that last one--?!

Valerie throws a plastic bag over Brian’s head and holds him up.

VALERIE

(JUBILANT) Sold! Do you want him gift-wrapped??

TITLE: “BRIAN MAKES A FRIEND”

THEME SONG

ACT ONE

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, OUTSIDE VALERIE’S STORE – LATER

Valerie strokes her chin.

VALERIE

Alright how about… a one percent raise?

BRIAN

(PISSED) Yeah, a raise would be nice— an EXPLANATION would be better!

Brian’s tangled in gift ribbons. Behind him the slayer is pacing while rambling about monsters and slaying and slaying monsters while slashing her sword around randomly.

VALERIE

(DISSAPOINTED) Brian…

BRIAN

I thought I was your employee! you just sold me _immediately?!_

VALERIE

Brian, would you relax? There’s no way I’d sell you…

BRIAN

(RELIEVED) Oh, thank god.

VALERIE

(CONTINUING) … For as little money as she was offering.

BRIAN

(DEADPAN, LOOKING UP) Nevermind, God.

VALERIE

You’re only on loan because she didn’t want to pay the full amount. I mean, I don’t know why you’re pissed at _me_ – she _reaaally_ lowballed you, dude.

AARAVI

(UNIMPRESSED) You expect me to pay 450 monster dollars for _this?_

Aaravi has apparently stopped her rambling to join the conversation.

VALERIE

‘Scuse me, double A. I can’t exactly help being 450 monster dollars away from getting a new phone. (FEIGNING INNOCENCE) Take it up with Apple, not me.

AARAVI

I’m not shelling out precious equipment upgrade money on hiring your goon! This guy _stinks!_ (TURNING TO BRIAN, DISGUSTED) Both as a fighter and _literally…_

BRIAN

(IRRITATED) Alright, NOW you’re pushing it. You know, I’m fucking _doused_ in cologne right now, so I _know_ I don’t smell bad.

A student walks by at that moment and faints as soon as he gets a whiff of Brian. Aaravi points to the prone man with an “I told you so expression”.

BRIAN

Oh, come on! That guy just likes fainting, he’s like, anemic or something!

VALERIE

That guy’s actually on the football team.

The fainting guy groans in pain on the ground.

BEAT.

AARAVI

(TO VALERIE) I want a refund.

VALERIE

Well you’re not _getting_ one.

BRIAN

Y-Yeah! No way you’re getting a refund!

VALERIE

(LAUGHING, TO BRIAN) What side of this are you on, man?!

brian

I don’t wanna be sold, but shit, getting refunded is kinda worse… (TO AARAVI, PISSED) Especially if it’s by THIS chick! Remember when you tried to kill me?!

AARAVI

(SNIDE) Yeah well this ‘Potent Musk’ you’re giving off right now is giving me a -10 modifier to my will to live so I think we’re even.

BRIAN

(PISSED) What was that…?!

Valerie claps her hands once.

VALERIE

(SCOLDING) Guys! Can we please stop arguing for a second? I have a store to run here, even if this is pretty fun in its own right. (MOTIONING TO BRIAN) This wrapping thing is fun as like, a visual gag? But I’m gonna have to remove the ribbon. I’ll send him to you later Aaravi, go on ahead.

AARAVI

Fine… Don’t try to rip me off again, V.

VALERIE

I reserve the right to be the one who gets to rip you off.

Aaravi playfully sticks her tongue out at Valerie who chuckles softly as the slayer leaves down the hallway.

As soon as she’s out of earshot, both Brian and Valerie get a lot more serious. Valerie gets to work removing the ribbon.

BRIAN

Val--

VALERIE

Before you ask, yes there _is_ an actual reason I uh… rented you out.

BRIAN

Besides money?

VALERIE

(TICKED OFF) Obviously, besides money. You think I’d just sell whatever to whoever? (CATCHING HERSELF) Not that I don’t understand how you got that impression… Believe it or not, me and Aaravi are good friends.

BRIAN

(INCREDULOUS) Even though she tried to kill me?

VALERIE

(ANNOYED) Yes, Brian, even though she tried to kill you _technically._ Honestly, she was just on a job. It’s not like she had beef with _you specifically_ or anything… Seriously, I didn’t expect you to be such a diva about that kind of thing.

Valerie struggles undoing a knot on Brian and tugs on it hard.

VALERIE

Hmmf! Give me a hand with this, I have no idea why I made this one so tight… (RESUMING) Aaravi and I go way back. At first, she was just a repeat customer who conveniently spent a lot of money here, but as time went on, we got super close.

brian

I see…

Valerie stops undoing the knots for a moment.

VALERIE

Brian, I really, really care about her. And it’s _because_ I care about her that I need you to do this for me. Aaravi…

Valerie pauses, searching for the words.

VALERIE

Aaravi needs more people in her life. She and I are good friends but at the end of the day I run a business. I want to be there for her, but it feels wrong to me that her only friend is the same person who tries to sell her shit she doesn’t need. (PLEADING) Can you do this for me?

BRIAN

Val, if you’re going to be _this_ honest, I don’t have a choice but to help, do I? I’ll do my best.

Valerie runs up and hugs Brian. Brian blushes at this sudden contact.

BRIAN

(FLUSH) V-Val—

VALERIE

Quit squirming, I’m trying to undo the knot behind you.

BRIAN

(DISSAPOINTED) Oh…

Unbeknownst to Brian, though, Valerie smiles sweetly, grateful for his help.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CLASSROOM – BEFORE NOON 

Damien and Scott sit beside each other in their classroom seats, looking at something beyond them with worried expressions.

SCOTT

(ANXIOUS) … Damien, I think something’s up with Polly.

The pair are staring at Polly, who’s sitting on the other side of the class, looking out of the window.

DAMIEN

(HUSHED) So it’s _not_ just me! Something’s really going on with her!

SCOTT

I’m not used to seeing her like this… Here, you wanna know what happened yesterday?

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CAFETERIA – YESTERDAY (FLASHBACK)

Scott, jubilant as always, waits in the line to receive his food. Every student before him puts up their plate, followed by a bitter looking Mephistophelinda, who slops some food – today’s meal is lasagna - onto it.

As soon as Scott approaches, he waves wildly at the lunch lady and puts up a dog bowl; Mephistophelinda beams from ear to ear at him and places the crispiest, tastiest bit of the casserole onto the bowl, as well as bone she’s clearly kept especially for him.

As soon as he leaves – thanking the lunch lady fiercely – Mephistophelinda’s expression immediately reassumes its original, bitter state.

Scott walks through the cafeteria, saying hi to basically everyone, until he arrives at the table where Polly’s sitting… alone. Scott, intrigued, approaches.

As he does, we see her reading a book quite intently. After a beat…

SCOTT

Polly?

POLLY

Hm? Oh, hey Scott. Sorry, I was reading this book—

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CLASSROOM – PRESENT

Scott gives Damien an expectant, concerned expression.

Damien gives Scott an expectant expression too – as in, he’s _expecting_ there to be more to the story.

DAMIEN

(PUZZLED) … Wait, is that it?

SCOTT

She was reading!! _READING_ Damien!

DAMIEN

Well I guess it _is_ unusual…

SCOTT

(BLOWN AWAY) It boggles the mind…

DAMIEN

(SCOLDING) Alright, not _that_ unusual… What happened after the book thing?

SCOTT

No clue! I think my brain malfunctioned after that part. (NODDING) My mind was boggled.

BEAT.

SCOTT

(MYSTIFIED) Boggled…

DAMIEN

Alright, setting that aside… (SERIOUS) it’s not like I disagree Polly’s been weird recently. Check it out, this happened just the other day:

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, LOCKERS – YESTERDAY (FLASHBACK)

Polly’s standing in front of her Locker, the door open. She tinkers with something in it before Damien approaches.

DAMIEN

Yo, Poll-

Polly, startled, slams the Locker shut immediately, and looks at Damien with a shocked expression on her face.

Damien returns the same expression, with a healthy dose of confusion sprinkled in. Polly regains her composure and leans against her locker.

POLLY

(FRAZZLED) Y-Yeah? What’s up, Damien?

DAMIEN

… Uhhh, nothing much? What’s up with you?

POLLY

Oh yeah, uh… same. Same deal.

DAMIEN

Ok…

Polly nods, overemphatically.

The two stay silent for an Awkward beat.

DAMIEN

So, I—

polly

(SAME TIME) Actually—

DAMIEN

Oh, uh, you go first.

POLLY

No, no, you um… you go, what were you gonna say?

DAMIEN

… Well, I’m throwing a party--

POLLY

(HURRIED) Really? That’s cool, hope it goes well!

Damien is truly baffled at this point. Polly just looks shiftier and shiftier.

DAMIEN

Polly, I wanted to _invite_ you—

POLLY

(INTERRUPTING) Ooooh, Sorry! I’m busy that day.

DAMIEN

I didn’t say what day—

POLLY

Hm? What was that? Ah, well I’m like, always super busy, so I’m probably busy that day too… haha…

DAMIEN

(INCREDULOUS) Really? You’re too busy for a _party?_

POLLY

(SCOFFING) Ah, well, you know… stuff… (VAGUELY) Stuff just, uh… you know.

DAMIEN

What stuff?

POLLY

(WORRIED) H-hm…?

DAMIEN

What ‘stuff’ are you doing? What are you busy with?

Polly stays totally silent for a full beat. Her eyes are wide, its clear she’s searching super desperately in her mind for anything to say.

POLLY

(SLOWLY) … S… School?

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CLASSROOM – PRESENT

SCOTT

(TAKEN ABACK) Woah…

DAMIEN

Right?! That shit’s fuckin’ WEIRD! I damn near called my parents to ask if it started fucking _snowing_ back home!

SCOTT

(EXCITED) Did it???

Damien looks down, genuinely disappointed.

DAMIEN

(SADDENED) No…

Scott pats Damien’s back, comforting him.

DAMIEN

One thing’s for certain though: These events are damning pieces of evidence – (CATCHING HIMSELF) Well one of these events is damning, the other one is her reading a book.

SCOTT

Because that one is a _boggling_ piece of evidence—

DAMIEN

(MOVING ON) Anyway. Scott, do you know what this means? Polly’s definitely hiding something… We have proof something fishy is going on. You know what we have to do now, right?

Scott thinks for a second and lights up.

SCOTT

Respect her boundaries and don’t pry!

DAMIEN

Wrong, false, zero points. (EXCITED) We’ve gotta investigate!

SCOTT

Hmmm, are you sure?

DAMIEN

Positive. There’s absolutely nothing else we can do right now BESDIES spend an unhealthy and all-consuming amount of time focusing on this very specific task.

SCOTT

(RELIEVED) Oh, phew. For a moment, I thought you were using this as a way to put your mind off how that prank we did in the library turned out--

DAMIEN

(INTERRUPTING, GRIM) Do not ever mention that again. First rule of investigation: never ever mention that ever again.

Scott nods silently, as Damien extends a hand to him. They perform their special handshake, and look back at Polly, determined.

ACT TWO

EXT. SPOOKY MOUNTAIN, FOREST - NOON

Brian and Aaravi are in the forests near School. Brian’s standing by a tree wearing a big heavy backpack. Aaravi inspects the tree, knocking on some parts, putting her ear up to others, and generally being extremely weird.

Brian 

… So, is this just your hobby, or—

Aaravi puts a finger up to Brian so as to silence him. She scrapes some moss off the tree and sniffs it.

AARAVI

Yes, indeed…

Aaravi turns to Brian.

AARAVI

This is just a tree.

BEAT.

BRIAN

(DEADPAN) … What are we doing here?

AARAVI

I don’t expect you to understand, this is pretty technical Monster Slayer stuff, but we’re on a hunt right now.

BRIAN

Oh, so you’re telling me the past 15 minutes I spent watching you smell a tree, just to identify it as a “tree” was you “hunting”? What are we hunting, my _patience_?

Aaravi looks left and right, as though to confirm they’re alone.

AARAVI

(GRAVE) What we’re hunting…

Aaravi looks down at Brian’s Employee’s badge.

AARAVI

“Brian” … is a most dangerous game. You, and the students at this school, live everyday in blissful ignorance of the real dangers of the world… The peace you enjoy everyday – the empty-brained joie-de-vivre that empowers you to waste your life away getting cozy with Valerie – is bought on the backs of people like _me_ , who have dedicated themselves to breaking said backs hunting and defeating the vilest creatures the world has ever known…

BEAT.

BRIAN

(UNIMPRESSED) … Ok-?

AARAVI

(INTERUPTING) God only knows the atrocities I’ve seen…

BRIAN

Oh, you weren’t done—

AARAVI

I’ve seen creatures that would make you weep for both god AND the devil – praying to whichever would save you first. So, believe me when I say, what we’re hunting here is in a league of its own. An abominable, indescribable horror, capable of leveling not only this school but the entirety of Monstropolis. And it’s here… in this forest.

LONG BEAT.

BRIAN

(ANNOYED) … Don’t even _pretend_ that you’re done talking—

aaravi

(INTERRUPTING) It could be hiding behind ANY corner…

BRIAN

(FRUSTRATED) What’d I say—?

As he says this, Brian notices something a little further ahead.

aaravi

Any one of these trees could’ve caught its scent. We have to be careful… it could be right behind us as we speak, stalking its prey… (SHIFTY) Little does IT know, I’m stalking it as _well_ —

BRain

(LOOKING OFF) Hey, slayer lady.

AARAVI

My _name_ is—

BRAIN

Yeah, whatever - What’s this monster like, exactly? Describe it.

AARAVI

(GETTING SERIOUS) The accounts were only secondhand, but we’re sure of a few things. First, it’s massive, and incredibly powerful. It can easily tear down these trees.

BRIAN

Right, right…

AARAVI

Second, it wields tentacles as a weapon. It’s powerful tendrils, akin to--

BRIAN

(INTERRUPTING) Tentacles, right. So, what you’re saying is, that creature we’re looking for is the one that’s capable of doing _this_.

Brian points to … literally a few meters to the side where a massive stretch of Forest was razed. A bunch of trees are cut in half. There’s a long trail of uprooted grass leading in an extremely clear direction.

Brian keeps pointing and looks at the Slayer, barely containing the smile that’s creeping onto his face.

BEAT.

AARAVI

(EMBARASSED) Ok, for the _record_ —

BRIAN

No. Get glasses.

AARAVI

(ANGRY) For the RECORD--!

Brian chuckles and walks off in the extremely obvious trail of the creature they’re looking for. Aaravi angrily follows. As they leave, we pan a little to reveal a chewed-up piece of a yellow musketeer hat.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CAFETERIA – MEANWHILE

Polly’s sitting at a table, alone. The hustle and bustle of the cafeteria swirls on around her, but she tunes it out entirely – remaining deep in thought. After a moment she reaches for her bag, from which she attempts to pull out a heavy book, but before she can, she notices two people standing over her.

Quickly, she closes her bag.

POLLY

(TRYING TO BE NATURAL) H-Hey guys…!

Damien and Scott are standing beside Polly. Damien has his arms crossed, while Scott awkwardly fidgets.

POLLY

… C-Can I help you?

DAMIEN

Hello… Polina Geist. Do you mind if I sit here?

POLLY

Actually, I do—

Damien sits before Polly can finish.

POLLY

(RESIGNED) Nevermind…

It’s clear on Damien’s face that that he’s trying to act suave, and as though he’s some kind of great, intuitive genius.

DAMIEN

I’m sure you’re wondering why we’re here…

POLLY

Y-yeah…? I suppose so…

Damien lights up a cigarette and smirks at Polly.

DAMIEN

Good question.

Polly’s eyes narrow in confusion. She turns her gaze to Scott, who’s still standing, and still fidgeting.

DAMIEN

I mean, what is _anybody_ doing here really? I don’t know what _you’re_ doing here… you don’t know what _I’m_ doing here… We’ve all got our own secrets, y’know?

POLLY

(PERPLEXED) Uh-huh?

DAMIEN

It shouldn’t be that way though. Don’t you agree?

POLLY

Uhh… where are you going with this?

DAMIEN

Heh…

Damien exhales smoke, pensively. He thinks he’s so cool.

DAMIEN

Where haven’t I gone?

BEAT.

POLLY

… Damien, what the hell are you talking about?

DAMIEN

I’m talking about _you_ Polly. I’m talking about you… and the secrets you’re keeping from _us._

Polly finally gets what Damien’s been on about.

POLLY

Damien, is this about yesterday? I’m sorry I can’t go to your party-

DAMIEN

Then what the hell are you doing!?

Damien totally breaks character.

DAMIEN

Polly, I swear there’s something going on with you – WHAT is it!?

POLLY

(ANNOYED) Jesus, Damien, I’m just busy! Aren’t I allowed to be busy every _once_ in a while?! I don’t know what you and Scott are up to but get your NOSES out of my business!

SCOTT

I just don’t get it!

Polly turns around to see Scott, who not only has opened her bag, but is now trying to grab the book she had in it earlier.

SCOTT

What could make you want to read something _this_ thick--

Polly snatches the book and shoves it back in her bag, furious. She breathes in and gets up, leaving with hurried steps.

DAMIEN

Polly—

POLLY

(FIRM) Don’t. I have _no_ Idea what you two think you’re doing but stop it, immediately. Do I make myself _clear?_

Damien and Scott nod nervously. Polly sighs before turning back and leaving.

Damien and Scott are left alone. They look at each other.

DAMIEN

Admittedly, we should’ve probably come here with a plan of some kind.

SCOTT

Yeah… Now Polly hates us…

DAMIEN

(PONDERING) Which is definitely going to be a hindrance to the investigation…

SCOTT

Wait, what? We’re still—

DAMIEN

Scott, Scott, Scott… Elementary mistake. You think just because it’s actively worsening our relationship with a close and precious friend of both of ours we should _stop_ doing what we’re doing?

SCOTT

Y-… yes—

DAMIEN

The answer is NO! Now, more than EVER, we HAVE to get to the bottom of what Polly’s hiding!

SCOTT

W-we do…?

DAMIEN

Scott, think about this: right now, _we’re_ the only two who know something’s up with Polly. If we don’t do something… and something ends up happening to her…

Damien motions to Scott, who’s thinking a mile a minute.

SCOTT

If something happens to her… it’ll be sad?

DAMIEN

It’ll be _our_ fault!

SCOTT

(SHOCKED) It’ll be _our_ fault?!

DAMIEN

Yes! With that said, we’ve got one thing left to do:

Damien extends a hand to Scott, who takes it.

DAMIEN

Invade Polly’s privacy.

Scott nods fiercely, and the two shake hands, Determined.

EXT. SPOOKY MOUNTAIN, FOREST – LATER

Brian and Aaravi trek through the forest, tailing the creature they’re hunting. Aaravi just can’t help talking the whole time.

AARAVI

(SELF-IMPORTANT) – At THAT moment, I knew I was at a disadvantage. The monster was powerful – stronger than I’d ever fought before. I was on the brink of defeat, and completely disarmed… All I had on me was a feather I’d torn from the beast, a couple screws and this loaded AK-47.

Aaravi pulls out a very armed, and very dangerous AK-47 assault rifle.

AARAVI

(EYES NARROWING) The odds were stacked against me…

BRIAN

(HOLDING BACK LAUGHTER) Wow. How on earth did you manage to defeat that chicken…?

AARAVI

(CORRECTING) Cockatrice. And, I suppose you could just—

Aaravi assumes a heroic-looking pose.

AARAVI

(BOISTEROUS) Chalk it up to my expertise-

Aaravi accidentally fires the AK-47 into the air. The noise startles her and she jumps from fear, dropping the gun.

AARAVI

(FRIGHTENED) E-Eep!

Aaravi peeks at the gun she dropped on the ground and slowly assumes a karate pose, trying to intimidate the weapon.

AARAVI

(ANGERED) To think you would betray me…

A bird drops from the sky, supposedly shot down by that stray shot from before. It lands, of all places, directly on the slayer’s head.

AARAVI

Ow.

At this point, Brian totally breaks. The laughter he was holding back all along spills out.

AARAVI

H-Hey! Who do you think you’re laughing at?!

BRIAN

(WHEEZING) S-sorry, sorry… It’s just, oh man…

Brian wipes the tears from his eyes.

BRIAN

How is it possible for someone _so_ self-important to be so adorable…?

The slayer, blushing from embarrassment, is positively fuming.

AARAVI

What’d you say…?!

BRIAN

… A compliment?

AARAVI

You’ve been a thorn in my side for far too long, you decomposing creep! If you think I’ll let you disrespect me any longer—

Aaravi unsheathes her sword.

AARAVI

You’ve got another thing coming!!

BRIAN

(SHOCKED) W-Woah! Hold on a second--!

Aaravi brandishes her blade and rushes toward Brian, clearly aiming to decapitate him.

Brian dodges the pretty telegraphed attack, getting on the other side of the slayer. Aaravi whips her head back and turns to face him once again.

BRIAN

(HURRIED) Would you relax?! I didn’t even mean that in a _bad_ way—

AARAVI

There’s no use begging for your life!

BRIAN

(MUTTERING) Well, I _wasn’t_ —

AARAVI

(GRAVE) I come from a long line of Monster Slayers – to disrespect me means to disrespect my lineage!

Aaravi readies her blade. It’s clear she’s seeing red. That said, Brian gets the sense there’s something deeper here.

AARAVI

(LUNGING) PREPARE TO D—

Brian flinches as Aaravi lunges forward, but she’s unexpectedly caught by something, sending her careening toward the ground. Her leg’s caught on a branch… she trips, sword in hand.

AARAVI

(STUNNED) Die…?!

BRIAN

Aaravi!!

A thud is heard. Aaravi slowly opens her eyes…

AARAVI

H-huh…?

She’s totally fine. Brian’s under her – he must’ve cushioned her fall.

BRIAN

You ok?

Aaravi blushes bright red and jumps to her feet. Brian is a little stunned, but otherwise fine. Aaravi’s breathing is hoarse for a moment. She looks really dazed, and… frightened. She breathes heavy for a moment, before reaching some semblance of calm.

AARAVI

… I’m ok.

Brian sits up. There’s compassion in his eyes.

BRIAN

Are you sure?

Aaravi, initially taken aback, looks off and nervously rubs her elbow.

AARAVI

I’m fine. I’m a monster slayer, this is my job.

Aaravi turns around, her back to Brian.

AARAVI

I’m not hurt, I’m not _scared_ —

BRIAN

(CALM) Scared?

Aaravi whips around, anxiety sprawled on her face, and reaches for her scabbard where her sword _should_ be, out of habit… The sword’s not there though.

What faces Aaravi is Brian, who’d gotten up, prying Aaravi’s sword from… his arm. Aaravi freezes at the sight.

AARAVI

(FRIGHTENED) I-Is that…?!

Brian finally pulls it loose. A little blood drips from the wound. He hands it to Aaravi.

BRIAN

Here you go. Here’s hoping I didn’t dull it, or anything.

AARAVI

Was…

Aaravi gulps and grabs the sword.

AARAVI

Was that my fault…?

BRIAN

(GENUINE) Your fault? No way if anything: it’s _that_ branch’s fault.

The sound of a tree breaking is heard in the distance before what sounds like a pained wail reverberates through the forest. Brian’s gaze hardens.

BRIAN

You think that’s it…?

Brian turns back to the slayer, who says nothing in response. All she does is look down, sword in hand. Brian tries to comfort her.

BRIAN

Hey… we’re getting close, right? Adventure awaits…

Aaravi wordlessly sheathes her sword. Her hands are trembling.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, LOCKERS – SUNSET

Damien and Scott stand before a locker. After cracking his neck and knuckles, Damien pulls out a massive pair of bolt cutters and poises it against the locker’s lock.

SCOTT

(TIMID) U-uhh… Damien?

DAMIEN

Not now, Scott. We don’t have much time before someone gets in here and fuckin’ busts us.

SCOTT

I just have some _slight_ reservations about… breaking into Polly’s Locker—

DAMIEN

Scott!

Damien chucks the bolt cutters on the ground.

DAMIEN

For the LAST TIME. We are not “ _breaking into”_ Polly’s locker. We are “ _investigating it open”_.

SCOTT

Right, that’s what you _said…_

DAMIEN

Scott, _think_ about it for a second. If we were to just _break_ into her locker that’d be something else entirely – and definitely a crime, we can both agree – BUT! _This_ is different because we’re on an investigation.

SCOTT

… Ok?

DAMIEN

You know who does investigations? Police! Police is like the _opposite_ of crime. They _fight_ criminals. Are you getting this?

SCOTT

Umm—

Incidentally, unbeknownst to either Damien or Scott, Vera is directly behind them, furious.

damien

Basically, if it’s something the police does, then it can’t _possibly_ be a crime. And if it’s not a crime, then there’s no problem doing it. Are you getting it now?

SCOTT

Ohhh… Now I get it…

DAMIEN

Right? It makes sense! Geez Scott, obviously I wouldn’t just _break_ into Polly’s locker.

Damien bends down and picks up the bolt cutters.

DAMIEN

Alright, now help me break the lock on Polly’s locker—

Vera’s head snakes bite both Damien and Scott. They yelp in pain and fall to the ground.

DAMIEN

Gah! Sh-shit!

Vera walks over to the locker and leans on it.

DAMIEN

V-Vera--?

Vera drops a heeled foot on Damien’s face.

DAMIEN

OW!

VERA

Now, I’m sure my eyes just _deceived_ me, but it certainly looked like a mere moment ago, Damien, you were trying to break? Into Polly’s locker?

Vera drops her foot on him again.

DAMIEN

OW, DAMMIT!

VERA

What a concept! Certainly you’d never do something _that_ idiotic, would you? Clearly—!

Vera grinds her foot into his face.

VERA

(FURIOUS) --Not!

damien

Agh—would you quit that?! We had a good reason to—

VERA

(COLD) Shut your mouth. You think I _care_ if you’ve got a reason? The validity of this act is _mine_ to decide – and _I_ decide I’ll have the both of you bronzed and framed for this insolence.

DAMIEN

(PISSED) Y-You little--!

SCOTT

(GENUINE) Vera, please help us!

Vera and Damien turn their attention to Scott, who’s just as prone as Damien.

vera

 _Excuse_ me?

DAMIEN

Yeah, Scott, what the hell?!

SCOTT

Sorry Damien, but I don’t want to investigate anymore. This is more important than that- I just want what’s best for Polly. Vera and her are close! if anyone knows what’s been going on with her, it’s Vera!

DAMIEN

B-But--!

SCOTT

Damien! (PLEADING) Please.

Vera contemplates silently.

VERA

… Polly, you said?

DAMIEN

(SPITEFUL) Oh, so you listen to _him_ no problem, huh—

Vera stomps on Damien again.

DAMIEN

G-Gah!

VERA

(TO SCOTT) I noticed the two of you bothering Polly during lunch… I’m guessing this is related to this “investigation” you mentioned?

SCOTT

Polly’s been acting strange. I know it might be nothing but… it might NOT be nothing. Polly’s always acted like nothing ever fazed her – I have no clue if she even KNOWS how to rely on people if she’s troubled! For her sake, I can’t let this lie. If you know anything… Please tell us.

Vera takes this all in for a beat. Eventually she sighs.

VERA

Your emotional maturity never ceases to surprise me… honestly, it’s only outweighed by your sheer LACK of _actual_ maturity.

SCOTT

(CONFUSED) Wait, how does a _lack_ of something outweigh something else…?

VERA

(CHUCKLING) How indeed… (SERIOUS) The truth is… I also noticed she’d been acting strange. I’ve been looking into it on my own, obviously, but honestly, prying into Polly’s business has always been a can of worms I prefer never opening. You’re right in a way, Scott… girls like that hide too much.

Vera looks at her watch, calculates something in her head, and turns her gaze to Scott, while taking her foot off Damien.

VERA

I believe I know where Polly is right now. If you two go there, you should understand what’s been happening…(WARMLY) I am… who I am. Polly respects me, but this is a job for people with a gentler touch. Maybe you two are what she needs right now.

Vera snaps her fingers. All of Scott and Damien’s joints crackle as the poison dissipates. The two get up, Scott stretches as soon as he does. Damien just rubs his aching face.

DAMIEN

(TO VERA) I’m _definitely_ getting you back for this one day…

VERA

Oh, darling, you _wish…_ (TO SCOTT) Polly’s going to the bathroom outside school in about 10 minutes. Get there in 7. 

SCOTT

Right. (DETERMINED) Damien, we have to go save Polly! Race you there!

Scott extends a hand to Damien. Damien smirks and takes it.

DAMIEN

Ready anytime.

Scott and Damien nod, before running off in the direction of the bathrooms. Vera waves them off for a moment, before stopping. She looks down, pensively. She steps forward, but as her back leaves the locker it opens slowly.

Vera peers inside, an unreadable expression on her face.

VERA

I suppose I’ll have to loan her a lock in the meantime…

Vera grabs her phone and calls someone, supposedly to request a lock. As she does, we get a reverse shot of what’s inside Polly’s locker:

Thick textbooks, binders upon binders, a heap of profusely annotated notebooks… and an empty Tupperware resting on a yellow cardigan.

EXT. SPOOKY MOUNTAIN, FOREST – MEANWHILE

Brian and the slayer continue their trek through the forest. This time though, the mood is different: The slayer is dead silent, and Brian’s walking in front.

AARAVI

Brian…?

BRIAN

Hm? What is it, did you find it?

The slayer’s eyes widen at the notion.

AARAVI

(FRIGHTENED) N-No…

BRIAN

Keep your eyes peeled. It could be hiding around any corner.

Aaravi’s breathing accelerates. She’s sweating.

AARAVI

U-Um, Brian… I think we should—

Brian stops dead in his tracks. The slayer follows suit. Brian turns back to the slayer, and motions for her to stay quiet.

The slayer’s eyes widen and she begins trembling. She knows what this must mean… The creature they’ve been hunting is close.

ACT THREE

EXT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, BATHROOMS – A LITTLE LATER

Scott and Damien are in separate stalls, staking out the bathroom. They’re both quiet, intently watching. Eventually the door to the bathroom opens.

Damien and Scott look through the openings in their stalls to see Polly, who’s indeed entered the bathroom as Vera predicted. The boys do nothing but watch for a while.

Polly crouches down, she has a Tupperware in one hand and her bag in the other. She carefully sets the bag down.

POLLY

(QUIET) Hey… Sorry we have to do this in the bathroom. I don’t really know anywhere else to get some privacy these days.

Polly opens her bag. She finally removes the books she’d had in there: They’re legitimate school textbooks and notebooks.

POLLY

I mean it’s not like I can let you be discovered or anything, right?

From within the empty bag, a crawling shadow appears. A thin, wiry hand made of deep blackness emerges from its depths, followed by a head and body matching it. Finally, the object of Polly’s troubles is in full view: the phobia Oz gave her after the confrontation at the auditorium who has now grown about half a foot tall. Polly pets the phobia’s head.

POLLY

Here.

Polly hands the phobia the Tupperware.

POLLY

Today’s menu. Pizza… I warmed it up before bringing it.

The phobia opens the Tupperware and consumes the contents. It looks really happy. Polly’s just as delighted.

POLLY

Alright, so—

Polly opens one of the notebooks.

POLLY

I tried my best again today. I know my notes are nothing even close to yours, but I hope you can sort of understand them. First period was monster math… They were talking about… What are those called—

DAMIEN

(O.S.) Limits.

Polly freezes. Her eyes widen as a palpable terror spreads across her face. She whips back around to face the voice—

But as she does, Damien sits right beside her, paying her no heed. Instead, he directs his attention to the phobia, or rather, its learning material.

DAMIEN

(TO PHOBIA) Today’s topic was limits. This isn’t too complicated – the basic point is to approximate the value a function tends towards as the independent value reaches a given point. Here, this is the notation you use…

Damien begins teaching the Phobia. Polly’s still shocked… but it’s a different kind of shock than just a moment ago. She’s shocked Damien’s helping her… Polly turns around fully to see Scott, standing in the doorway, scanning the horizon.

POLLY

(WEAKLY) Scott…

DAMIEN

(PAUSING TUTORING) Scott, you see anyone?

SCOTT

Nope. Don’t worry about me, I’m not letting anybody through.

Scott is especially serious. Damien resumes teaching the phobia.

Polly looks to both of her friends… who have, without even being asked, and without asking a single question, come to her aid. The three exchange no words about this.

Polly looks down. Sincerely grateful.

EXT. SPOOKY MOUNTAIN, FOREST – LATER

Brian and Aaravi hide behind trees, staking out a big clearing. Horrible wailing sounds echo toward them, with heavy footsteps ringing out. It’s clear that they’re nearthe beast. Brian looks down and steels himself. He looks to his right where Aaravi’s hiding… but she doesn’t look nearly as determined.

Aaravi’s terrified. She nervously sheathes and unsheathes her sword, and mumbles to herself with her hood on. Another footstep rings out, and the slayer trembles a little more. Brian finally understands what’s been going on with her all this time.

BRIAN

(WHISPERING) Hey…

The slayer doesn’t respond.

BRIAN

(WHISPERING) Hey! Aaravi hey!

Aaravi peeks a little from beneath her hood.

BRIAN

(WHISPERING) … You don’t want to do this, do you?

Aaravi tries to deny it, but another footstep rumbles beneath them, which silences her. She looks down and shakes, slowly nodding her head.

BRIAN

(WHISPERING) This thing we’re ‘hunting’… you’re really scared of it, right?

Aaravi bites her lip and slowly nods again.

Brian gives a heavy sigh of relief.

BRIAN

(WHISPERING) Now it all makes sense… All that stuff today was just you trying to pump yourself up, huh?

Aaravi says nothing as another footstep rings out.

BRIAN

(WHISPERING) Man… I didn’t understand at first, but now I really get it. The reason Val loves you so much…

Brian gives the slayer a carefree smile.

BRIAN

(WHISPERING) You’re just… incredibly cute, huh?

AARAVI

(BLUSHING) Wh-Wha--?!

Brian gets up. His playfulness from before fades away, all that’s left is a deathly seriousness. He motions to the Slayer.

BRIAN

The crossbow you bought. Can I borrow it?

The slayer complies. Brian inspects the weapon with what must be trained diligence. It honestly seems like he’s done this hundreds of times before.

The steps continue. They’re getting louder.

BRIAN

You run. I’ll take care of it.

AARAVI

Y-You can’t! That thing can level cities—You’re gonna—

A heavy step falls. The creature is very near.

AARAVI

(STARTLED) Eep!

BRIAN

I’m gonna what? Die?

Aaravi hazards a frightened look toward Brian. There’s not a hint of hesitation in his eyes.

BRIAN

That already happened to me, you know… And I’m just fine, aren’t I?

Brian crosses the threshold into the clearing.

AARAVI

B-Brian!

EXT. SPOOKY MOUNTAIN, FOREST CLEARING – CONTINUOUS

Brian takes deep breaths. A mysterious shadow approaches from within the trees. One after the other, loud thuds and stomps reverberate from it. As the figure is almost upon Brian, he puts the crossbow up and readies an arrow.

The figure fells the tree blocking its path to the clearing. With one swipe, it’s sent flying to the side. It crashes right next to Brian, who doesn’t even flinch.

Or rather, if he flinches, it’s not because of the tree. The beast, initially shrouded in shadow, speaks to itself.

BEAST

(O.S.) **Man… There are _wayyy_ too many trees out here. I mean, I know it’s a forest but what a mess! I’ve gotta knock down a couple hundred just to get _anywhere!_ **

The beast finally notices Brian, and steps into the light.

BEAST

**Hm? Who are you?**

Brian slowly puts down his weapon. On his face there’s nothing but bewilderment, which transitions into a stupefied grin.

The “beast” that Brian and Aaravi have been hunting – that, need I remind you, Aaravi was so incredibly frightened of just a moment ago – is revealed. What stands before them is a stout, rotund being, with spindly legs and arms. Its spherical body is covered in eyes looking every which way. It also possesses a large number of writhing tentacles, which make for a makeshift haircut.

Let us not mince words here: it looks like a purple Mike Wazowski, with more eyes and an afro. It also doesn’t have a mouth… which should make it at least a _little_ unsettling but the package is so ridiculously mascot-like that it barely even registers.

This thing is cute.

Cut back to Brian. He is blown away.

BEAST

 **Hello? You want something? This is _my_ house, you know… **(MUTTERING) **Well it’s _barely_ a house, but still…**

BRIAN

H-Hey… Hey Aaravi! Check it out!

Aaravi peeks one eye past her hiding place. All the fright that weighed on her shoulders evaporates in an instant. She whips her hood off and stares at the beast with a mix of rage and disappointment.

AARAVI

_WHAT?!_

EXT. SPOOKY MOUNTAIN – FOREST, BEAST’S CLEARING – EVENING

The beast, along with Brian and Aaravi, are sitting around a campfire.

The beast sets two fish on sticks over the fire to cook before sitting on a dried log it set up as a seat. On the other side of the fire, Brian and Aaravi sit on a single dried log. Incidentally, Brian’s arm has been bandaged. There’s silence for a beat.

AARAVI

(PISSED) This is so stupid.

BRIAN

(SCOLDING) Hey! Rude.

AARAVI

(ANGRY) This is _SO_ stupid! Why the hell are we sitting at a campfire with this thing – we’re supposed to _kill_ it!

BRIAN

Aaravi, would you be honest for a second? It’s ok to admit that you’re feeling embarrassed because you were scared of _this_ adorable thing.

Brian pats Aaravi’s head. Aaravi blushes hard and grumbles under her breath.

The sound of pencil on paper distracts the two, though. Brian and Aaravi turn their attention to the beast who is furiously scribbling on a piece of paper.

BEAST

**Hm? Oh, don’t mind me, please keep going, by all means.**

aaravi

(WARY) What are you scribbling over there…?

BEAST

**… Fan art?**

AARAVI

Wh-…?

The beast turns over the paper to Brian and the Slayer: It’s a rendering of the moment they just had except with a LOT more romantic tension and a LOT less realistic proportions.

BRIAN

Oh, is that us? Nice.

The beast huffs, proud of itself.

AARAVI

Why are my eyes so big…?

BEAST

 **Uhhh it’s my _style?_ They say eyes are the window to the soul, after all…** (JOKING) **Or so I’ve heard, but even though I’ve got so many eyes, I don’t even _have_ a soul!**

BEAT.

BEAST

**… That was a joke guys… Man, tough crowd… It’s ok though, I’ve got more jokes—**

brian

Moving on…

BEAST

**Yikes…**

BRIAN

Would you tell us what you are? Not to set you off or anything but until about half an hour ago… we were trying to hunt you.

BEAST

**Hunt? _Me?_**

The beast laughs to itself.

brian

(LAUGHING) What?

BEAST

**Sorry, it’s just… not to set _you_ off or anything, but I’m not exactly the kind of thing you can… “hunt”. **

BRIAN

Is that so… good thing we’re giving up on that then, right Aaravi?

AARAVI

(GRAVE) Speak for yourself…

Aaravi gets up.

BRIAN

Aaravi--?

AARAVI

(SERIOUS) I’ll admit I wasn’t… emotionally prepared before… But if _this_ is all I gotta kill then I’ll do it with no remorse.

The beast gets up. It grabs one of the fish on sticks it set near the fire.

BRIAN

(STERN) Aaravi, in case you forgot, it leveled a tree by itself. This really doesn’t seem like a good idea.

AARAVI

Stay out of it, Brian.

Aaravi unsheathes her sword and assumes an offensive stance.

AARAVI

I took this job to prove myself. And that’s EXACTLY what I’ll--!

The beast snaps its thin fingers. The noise echoes in Aaravi’s mind and swirls around. She holds her head in pain. Eventually she falls to the ground, nauseous.

The beast approaches Aaravi and crouches down next to her. Another snap of its fingers and the noise ceases. Aaravi gasps for air.

BEAST

**You ok?**

The beast grabs Aaravi’s sword and puts the fish on a stick in her hand instead. Aaravi sweats and breathes heavily.

BEAST

**Let’s switch. I can’t exactly eat this stuff anyway.**

The beast sits back on its log and sets the sword next to it. Aaravi gathers her bearings and sits up. Aaravi, understanding their difference in power, wordlessly chews on the fish. Brian gives her a compassionate look for a moment before turning back to the beast.

BEAST

**… You asked what I am, right?**

BRIAN

I did, yes…

BEAST

**I’m a God.**

BRIAN

Wow. Self-Confident.

BEAT

**I mean literally.**

BRIAN

Oh…

BEAT.

BRIAN

… Are you a God of anything or… just a general God, like a J.C. situation?

beast

**Honestly, I never really figured that part out… They used to call me Z’gord. I was the “Ruler the Dark Realms”.**

BRIAN

Wh-What’s a “Dark Realm…?”

Z’GORD

**That’s what _I’m_ asking!**

Z’Gord laughs. It takes the opportunity to give Brian the other fish on a stick it set near the fire.

Z’GORD

**Honestly… an eternity in that void, and I still don’t know what these “Dark Realms” even are. Let alone how I _ever_ qualified to _rule_ them _…_ Believe me, I did no such thing. All I ever did was eat.**

Z’Gord kindles the fire.

z’gord

**I’ve been around for longer than I can even… _describe_ … And in that time, all I did was eat and destroy. Just… consuming whatever I found… and destroying whatever I couldn’t consume. People feared me for it… some _worshiped_ me… But none of that mattered. I was so caught up in my destruction… I truly thought that I would just do that forever.**

BRIAN

… But now you’re in a forest.

Z’GORD

**Now I’m in a forest, yeah. Something changed.**

BRIAN

What changed?

Z’GORD

**… Do you know who you are?**

BRIAN

Brian Yu, last I checked.

Z’GORD

**No, I know… I mean _who_ you are. Deeper than just names… Is there any _meaning_ behind that name?**

BRIAN

That’s a pretty deep question.

Z’GORD

**I know. It’s a question that, for me at least… I can’t answer. Isn’t that crazy? I’ve been around for millions of years and now here I am… finding out that I had no clue who I was that entire time.**

Z’Gord sighs.

z’gord

 **Somebody told me I could be whatever I wanted. Someone told me I was more than what people said I was… It had me thinking “maybe I exist after all”, you know?** **I always thought that I would always be exactly as I’d always been. I saw myself that way – but in reality, I never truly _saw_ myself before that moment. It’s thanks to him I even get to talk to you like this.**

BRIAN

That sounds nice.

Z’GORD

**He _was_ nice. But the choice he gave me… I have no clue how to use it. I don’t know the first thing about who I am. He wanted me to find my freedom, but… what does it look like?**

Brian ponders this question silently.

Z’GORD

**What do you think?**

BRIAN

I doubt I could give a _God_ advice they don’t already know, but… Finding yourself is tough. It’s a lifelong process, and its never straightforward. Sometimes you spend years in the dark, unsure of who you are. Other times, you realize the answer you think you found was wrong… and that you were being untrue to yourself that whole time.

Z’GORD

**Hmm…**

BRIAN

What’s important, though, is that you can’t avoid making these mistakes. You can’t avoid not knowing who you are. You can’t avoid chasing a shadow of yourself. You can’t avoid putting on a mask… and acting out a self that’s not genuine. These things will happen… so there’s no point worrying about them happening. To me, there’s only one thing worth worrying about.

Brian stretches his back.

BRIAN

Finding what makes you happy and doing it as much as you can. I don’t know what life was like for you before, but I think you’ll find that life among us mortals is just a lot of… getting lost. Not knowing the answers. Not knowing where you’re going… That’s where the beauty lies. That’s why life is so valuable. Because at the end of the day… life is _kind._ And as long as you take it a day at a time, you’ll find that before long, you’ve already gotten to where you always wished you were.

Z’Gord contemplates Brian’s advice.

Z’GORD

**… Life is kind. Alright… I want to try it. I’m going to try living. I don’t know if I’ll figure myself out, but… I suppose that’s okay. Right?**

BRIAN

That’s exactly right.

Z'GORD

**Hey… thanks for helping me.**

Z’Gord cannot smile, but its obvious it would.

Z’GORD

**You’re pretty cool.**

Brian smiles, appreciative of the emotional breakthrough this stranger he’s met has undergone. Aaravi finally sits back on the log.

AARAVI

… You. You know you’re being hunted, right? There’s a bounty on your head.

Z’GORD

**I’d gathered as much. You two came for me, didn’t you? There’s no reason to worry, it’s not like they can defeat me or anything.**

AARAVI

It’s not about being defeated. If people keep coming for you…

Aaravi seems, for the first time, genuinely compassionate.

AARAVI

Your life will be a lot tougher than it should be.

Z’GORD

**… I guess you’re right.**

AARAVI

I want to make a deal with you. The bounty on your head is the only thing that’s proving “Z’Gord” is still alive… As a monster slayer I have the means to collect this bounty, and make it disappear for good. If you could give me some small piece of you – some proof of you being defeated – I can return with it and collect on that bounty… All the money of which—

Aaravi points to Z’Gord.

AARAVI

I will return to you – so you can start a new life.

Z’Gord thinks for a bit. Brian looks only at Aaravi, marvelling at her surprising compassion. Eventually—

Z’GORD

**How big a piece are we talking?**

CUT TO: Z’Gord severs one of its tentacles. It flops on the ground and writhes ever so slightly. Aaravi grabs a glass bottle and puts the tentacle inside. Brian and the slayer prepare to leave. As they’re getting ready to, though, the slayer stares at Z’Gord intently.

Z’GORD

**What’s wrong?**

AARAVI

… You know, you’re friendly and everything, but that form is really not doing you any favors.

Z’GORD

**Hey! This form took a while to make! Especially since I’m not exactly sure what people look like anymore…**

aaravi

That much is obvious… No offense, but you’ll attract so much attention with that… and not the good kind.

BRIAN

Aaravi’s right.

BEAST

**Aw, you too, green man? What’s wrong with it?**

BRIAN

Well, what were you going for with this?

Z’GORD

**Something cute and appealing. I don’t know why, but I’m really into the idea of being cute and appealing.**

BRIAN

Ah, I see… the problem is you’re trying too hard. Or maybe you’re not trying hard enough…? I guess it feels like this is the first draft of something.

AARAVI

Yeah… that might be it…

Z’GORD

**Well… What do _you_ think I should look like?**

AARAVI

I don’t know… how about something like me? (TO BRIAN, ACCUSATORY) _Apparently,_ I’m “cute”!

Aaravi jabs at Brian, who laughs in return. The two wave Z’Gord off and walk into the forest.

In the silence, near the fire, Z’Gord stands alone. It turns toward the log it was sitting on and finds the paper it drew on earlier. There’s a very cute drawing of Brian and Aaravi on it. Z’Gord looks at it for a while… then sets it down.

BEAST

**Cute, huh…**

A gurgling, squelching sound is heard, as we see not Z’Gord, but its shadow, changing shape. It’s focusing on the image of Aaravi it drew.

After a moment, the shapeshifting stops. In the shadow she casts in the moonlight, we catch a glimpse of her new, much more humanoid form. Two void-like eyes peer downwards at the drawing… followed by an eye on its chest and one on its head, encircled by swirling tentacles.

FADE OUT:

THE END


	9. Vicky Gets Really Into Dragon Heat

FADE IN:

EXT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, FOOTBALL FIELD, BEHIND BLEACHERS – MORNING

Vicky stretches and warms up behind the bleachers, with Amira at her side, who gives her a massage.

AMIRA

Alright, alright, breathe, breathe. You can do this.

VICKY

(PSYCHING HERSELF UP) I can do this!

AMIRA

Hey, you _better_ do this, you and your business took a week out my life.

VICKY

I can totally do this!

AMIRA

Ok, good. Remember the steps, Alright? Remember what I taught you – and MOST important _stick_ to the plan. This is not Vicky freestyle hour, this is not… Lemme fuckin’—

Amira puts up the book of Scott Seduction Ideas.

AMIRA

“Lemme fuckin’ find somethin’ in _this_ dumbass book and try it,” headass. You want a date? This is your shot. Go get that date.

Vicky punches the air a few times and bows to Amira.

VICKY

Thank you, sensei.

Amira nods, arms folded. Vicky leaves, shadowboxing a little more.

EXT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, FOOTBALL FIELD – CONTINUOUS

Vicky walks, extremely determined, toward the other side of the football field, where Scott is discussing something with the coach.

SCOTT

(TO COACH) I’ll try asking him to be on the team, but I’m not sure if it’ll work out just yet since his arm is injured right now…

COACH

Hmm…

VICKY 

(O.S.) Um, Scott?

Scott notices Vicky and turns to her.

SCOTT

Oh! Hey Vicky!

COACH

Hello, Vicky! Glad to see our team’s manager healthy as always. We’ll need everybody at 110% if we’re going to make it in the playoffs!

VICKY

(EMBARASSED) Thank you, Coach… (RESOLUTE) I’d like to talk to Scott, alone. Is that ok?

COACH

That so…

Coach takes an exit. Scott waves him off.

SCOTT

You needed me for something? What’s up, Vicky?

Vicky takes a deep breath.

VICKY

Scott. I like you. Please go out with me.

Scott… hears this. He nods pensively for a moment.

SCOTT

Hmm… no, thanks.

BEAT.

INT. MONSTROPOLIS – MEDUSA’S BAR – EVENING

HARD CUT: Vicky sits at a booth seat, surrounded by empty beer glasses, tears streaming down her face.

VICKY

(CRYING) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--!!

TITLE: “VICKY GETS _REALLY_ INTO DRAGON HEAT”

THEME SONG

ACT ONE

INT. MONSTROPOLIS, MEDUSA’S BAR – CONTINUOUS

We resume on Vicky’s crying—

VICKY

(CRYING, CONTINUED) –AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

AMIRA

Oh my god, PLEASE shut up--

Vicky and Amira sit across from one another in Medusa’s bar, a fairly low-key establishment that is currently being thoroughly un-low-keyed by Vicky’s incessant drunken wailing.

Vicky _attempts_ to retort to Amira’s plea, but instead all that comes out is that squeaky crying voice you get when you’re too overcome with emotions and trying to say a billion things at once.

VICKY

(CRYING) And LASTLY—

AMIRA

(BEWILDERED) _Lastly???_

VICKY

Lastly… this was totally your fault!

Amira slams her fist down on the table and gives Vicky a death glare. Vicky clams up immediately.

VICKY

(TIMID) Nevermind, it was my fault, sensei.

Amira sighs.

AMIRA

(KIND) It _wasn’t_ your fault.

VICKY

(INCENSED) So it WAS your fault--!

AMIRA

(ANGRY) It wasn’t my fault either!

VICKY

(SHY) S-Sorry…

amira

It’s nobody’s fault. This was doomed to happen from the start, Vicky, you went about this _so_ idiotically. Like, the levels of ass-backwards thinking that led you to this moment are--… Girl, I gotta roast you for this shit real quick, sorry but I GOTTA.

VICKY

Alright, see, the way you started that sort of made me think you _weren’t?_

AMIRA

You wanna know where you fucked up?

VICKY

Alright, here we go, I _guess--_

AMIRA

This book.

Amira drops the book of Scott Seduction Ideas on the table.

AMIRA

When you first came to me, and showed me this shit, you wanna know what I thought? I thought “this girl is never gonna end up with Scott”.

VICKY

(OFFENDED) Wait, what?! I thought you _believed_ in me!

AMIRA

Excuse me Vicky, but it is _hard as hell_ to believe in someone who wrote, and I _quote,_ (READING BOOK) “Idea number 216: Arrange Scott’s favorite bones in a heart shape” and expect it to really land her a boyfriend.

VICKY

Ok, for your information, that plan was EXTREMELY effective!

BEAT.

VICKY

Scott had a lot of fun putting all the bones back in the hole he hid them.

AMIRA

How the hell is _that_ supposed to work?! You just made him do a _chore!_

VICKY

It’s _barely_ a chore for him, ok?! He loves grabbing bones!

AMIRA

 _Pause_ … This is a good one, (READING) “Idea 500: attach a love letter to Scott’s favorite football and throw it at him”.

VICKY

That plan really worked wonders, you know, you can’t make fun of me for that.

AMIRA

Technically you’re right, it’s for sure some 6th grade shit to send a dude a love letter but I at least can appreciate that you tried to be upfront with your feelings.

Amira closes the book.

AMIRA

So how did you ruin it?

VICKY

(ANGRY) I--!!

BEAT.

vicky

(LOOKING DOWN) I threw him the football with the letter.

AMIRA

(SMIRKING) Uh-huh? And??

VICKY

(EMBARASSED) … He threw it back.

Amira bursts out laughing.

VICKY

(ASHAMED) So then, I felt really awkward, right? Because the love letter was still on it? So I threw it back at him.

Amira’s still laughing, even harder this time. Vicky’s starting to laugh too.

VICKY

And-- And then? He threw it BACK at me again! At this point he started motioning to me like “Throw it! Throw it!” So then I started throwing the ball at him again!

Amira’s doing that laughter thing where there’s not even any sound coming out anymore. Vicky’s laughing really hard now.

VICKY

O-Oh my god! And then we played catch for an hour! And the whole time my love letter was right on the ball! The whole time!

Vicky and Amira laugh hard together.

AMIRA

(CALMING DOWN) Ohh! Oh shit, oh man…

VICKY

Geez… I was…

Vicky looks away..

VICKY

(SADDENED) I was a real idiot huh…

Amira gets serious as well.

AMIRA

Vicky… here’s what I don’t get about you, and about all this Scott shit either… Why him? How long have you been in love with this guy, like 6 years?

VICKY

Since 6th grade, yeah.

AMIRA

And you never made any progress? Girl… you gotta move on.

VICKY

I know, Amira… I know my life would be so much easier if I just _forgot_ all about Scott and moved on, but I can’t! He’s… He’s the only guy I ever felt this way about. I can’t just give up like this!

AMIRA

Well he straight up rejected you today. So, sorry to say, you don’t got no other options.

It dawns on Vicky that yes… she’s been rejected. She sighs dejectedly. Amira takes Vicky’s hand and gives her a look of sincere sympathy. Vicky smiles sadly in return.

VICKY

Amira… how do I get over him?

AMIRA

Porn.

BEAT.

VICKY

… Excuse me?

amira

I actually have something with me right now… _trust_ me this’ll make you feel better.

Vicky’s face reddens immediately.

VICKY

(EMBARASSED) Wh-Wha--?!

Amira pulls a thick, widthy book from her bag. She hands it to Vicky.

VICKY

Oh. (FLIPPING THROUGH PAGES) What’s this?

AMIRA

(MATTER OF FACT) Porn.

Vicky drops the book and slowly looks up.

AMIRA

It’s legit, I asked Vera about it—

VICKY

You asked _Vera_ what porn she reads?!

AMIRA

Which, you gotta admit, is a lot easier to ask than what porn she _watches_ , right?

VICKY

I’m just stuck on the fact that Vera _consumes_ porn at all… (LOOKING AT TITLE) “Dragon Heat, Volume 1: A Game of (Sexy) Thrones” … Oh, I’ve heard of these, these are like, dragon fetish books. They have sex in every chapter.

AMIRA

For real? So, that’s what Vera’s into…

VICKY

Amira, I appreciate the thought – I think? – but I’m not going to read this.

AMIRA

Uh, you absolutely should. Vicky, do you _know_ why you’re so damn hung up on Scott?

VICKY

Because when I was in 6th grade, he--

AMIRA

(INTERRUPTING) It’s not whatever you’re about to say – the _answer_ is you’re horny and he has big muscles.

VICKY

It is _NOT_ that!

AMIRA

It is _absolutely_ that, and when you read this you’ll see that that’s exactly it! Just take a night off, get some ice cream, some wine, a bath bomb… make a night of it! I guarantee this is _all_ you need to get your life back on track.

VICKY

Amira, I may be weird in like, basically every other way possible, but THIS is the one variety of weird I absolutely am _not._ Everyone I’ve heard who reads this kind of stuff gets like, _weirdly_ into it, and I am not about to be that kind of person! I mean it, under _NO_ circumstance am I going to--

ACT TWO

INT. BRIAN AND VICKY’S HOUSE, VICKY’S ROOM - MORNING

Brian knocks on Vicky’s door and enters.

As he does, we see Vicky’s room – it’s built the same as Brian’s room, and usually it’s very clean, but it’s anything _but_ right now. It honestly looks like a tornado ran through here.

There’s a big bundle of sheets on the bed. It stirs and shakes a little.

BRIAN

(CAREFUL) … Vicky?

The bundle of sheets stops stirring. One of the corners flips up to reveal Vicky, peaking through the shadow beneath the sheets. Her eyes are bloodshot. Brian gulps.

BRIAN

Uh… I brought you a snack?

Brian puts up a plate of sliced pineapples. Vicky doesn’t react.

BRIAN

You hungry?

BEAT.

BRIAN

Alright… I guess I’ll just…

Brian looks down. There are heaps of dirty dishes littering the floor.

BRIAN

Set it here…

Brian places the plate next to the other plates. Vicky goes back under the sheets. Brian wordlessly turns back to the door and exits.

brian

Oh boy…

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, LOCKERS – NOON

Amira dials up someone’s number on her phone.

AMIRA

(ON PHONE) Yooo, wassup, V? Thanks for the phone by the way, this thing is _nice._ Huge, but nice. But _huge,_ this thing barely fits in my hand, pause.

VERA

(PHONE) “Ah, Amira. I was expecting you to call sooner or later. Did you get the list?”

AMIRA

The _list?_

VERA

“Check your locker.”

Amira opens her locker and finds a folded paper.

AMIRA

Uhh… found it. What’s this?

VERA

“The list of every club Vicky Schmidt is involved in.”

BEAT.

Amira turns the paper over.

AMIRA

… _All_ these?!

VERA

“I know, right? She’s a real busybody.”

AMIRA

Nah this is _beyond_ busybody; This chick has a death wish or _somethin’._ How does she fit _all_ of this in seven days?

vera

“A remarkable determination matched only by a crippling addiction to her peers’ approval.”

AMIRA

I guess that explains that… Now what do I do with this list? Burn it?

VERA

“As much as I wish it could be that simple… no.”

AMIRA

(EYES NARROWED) I smell work…

VERA

“Work doesn’t even _begin_ to cover it. Vicky, who has had perfect attendance her whole high school career, is absent today for the first time.”

AMIRA

For real? Didn’t think getting rejected by the muscly dude from the football team would get her _that_ down bad…

VERA

“Scott, you mean. As happy as it makes me to see her wallowing… it’s about to make our lives miserable.”

AMIRA

Uh-oh.

VERA

“Vicky is the glue of every club she’s ever been in. Whatever she joins, she becomes the president and most beloved member of.”

AMIRA

Really? Good for her, but why?

VERA

“Simple. Vicky’s blessed with two incredible gifts: ‘caring about things in the slightest’ and ‘competence above the level of a toddler.’ She’s invaluable to the student body, who collectively lacks these two very, _very_ pathetic ‘talents’.”

AMIRA

So… what are these clubs gonna do now that Vicky’s gone?

VERA

“…”

AMIRA

… Vera?

VERA

“Amira, you’re on the student council. Getting all these clubs running while Vicky’s gone is—"

AMIRA

Don’t say it--!

VERA

“-- Your job.”

AMIRA

… God damnit.

vera

“I’m counting on you.”

Vera hangs up.

AMIRA

… Counting on me.

A small hint of pride and satisfaction wells up within Amira.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CAFETERIA – MEANWHILE

Vera puts her phone away.

VERA

 _Anyway…_ (TERSE)what do you want?

Brian sits before her, his face in his hands.

BRIAN

(LOOKING UP) I _need_ you guys’ help.

Vera, and Polly beside her, are wholly uninterested.

POLLY

That’s cool. I don’t _need_ to help you though.

VERA

(LOOKING AT PHONE, UNIMPRESSED) What she said.

BRIAN

(PLEADING) Guys, _please_. She already missed a week of school, She’s not going out _at all,_ she’s _barely_ seeing any sun… she’ll _die_ at this rate!

POLLY

Wait, really?

BRIAN

Yes!

vera

(LOOKING AT PHONE) Sounds like this problem will just solve itself, then, won’t it?

POLLY

What she said!

Brian gives both girls a look that betrays how much he regrets asking them for anything. He sighs.

BRIAN

Alright, let me switch strategies. Vera, if Vicky dies, I’m forging her will so it says _you_ have to organize her funeral.

VERA

(LOOKING AT PHONE) Ha! Is that the best you got? I can organize a funeral in under an hour --

BRIAN

AND I’m making you give her eulogy.

Vera slowly looks up from her phone. There’s boundless terror in her eyes.

EXT. MONSTROPOLIS – OUTSIDE VICKY’S HOUSE – LATER

Brian, Vera and Polly stand before the abode.

BRIAN

I don’t know what’s worse: the fact that showing kindness to another student after their literal death convinced you to come here, or the fact that I knew it would.

VERA

Why are you asking me, like I’ll suddenly feel bad?

POLLY

What’s worse is you forced _me_ to come! I don’t give a _shit_ about this girl! I mean yeah, I copy Vicky’s homework like, all the time, and yeah, Vicky’s super nice to me like, all the time, and yeah, she helps me out with literally anything I ask like, all the time, and…

BEAT.

POLLY

… Let’s try to help her out, alright Vera?

VERA

Let’s get this over with.

INT. MONSTROPOLIS, VICKY’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Vera and Polly enter Vicky’s room. Brian stays in the doorway. Vera looks around the messy room in disgust. Polly’s just rifling through Vicky’s drawers.

VERA

What is this pigpen… (TO VICKY) It suits you. Are you in here?

Vera walks over to the bundle of sheets and whips them off, revealing the Vicky beneath. Vicky quickly pulls them back on and peeks her head out.

VICKY

(SHOCKED) V-Vera…? What are you—

Polly whips the blinds open. Vicky winces from the sudden sunlight.

VICKY

Polly?! Wh-What are you two doing here…?!

Vicky has dark circles under her eyes. Her hair is matted, and her skin is a little oily. She’s been under the sheets for a while.

VERA

Believe me, I’d like to know too…

POLLY

Your boyfriend over here told us you were shutting yourself in? Not that I give a shit _why_ but like… stop it.

brian

H-Hey I’m not her--

VICKY

(SERIOUS) Brian’s not my “boyfriend”. (DEPRESSED) Don’t insult him like that… no one will ever like me.

POLLY

(FAKE CONCERN) Wow, that sucks, I _definitely_ asked…

VERA

What are you even _doing_ under there, anyway?

VICKY

I was depressed, so…

Vicky pulls a book from under the covers.

VICKY

Now, I’m reading porn.

VERA

Y-You’re doing _what_ …?

POLLY

(THRILLED) Holy shit, is that _Dragon Heat_?!

VERA

(HIDING EXCITEMENT) Wait, is it…?!

Vera flips the book Vicky showed them over. It’s dragon heat.

POLLY

(THRILLED) Oh my GOOOOOD!!

BRIAN

Uh… what’s Dragon Heat?

POLLY

Dragon Heat’s like, the _best_! (TO VICKY) Aw man, we love the shit out of it!

VICKY

(LIVELY) Y-You do…?

POLLY

Like, _Obviously!_ I mean, I’m all about 19th century Russian literature; but a girl can’t say no to some erotic fanfic, am I right? (TO VERA) Am I right??

VERA

(SCOFFING) Wh-What?! Speak for yourself, Polly, I--… I mean, I’ve never--…

Vera gulps.

VERA

(MUTTERING) Okay, fine, I read it and I love it.

POLLY

Hahaha! See? I told you! This book is the BOMB dot com!

vera

And it seems, so are you. I didn’t think you had it in you to stomach 297 chapters of the raunchiest, nastiest erotic writings ever penned. 

VICKY

(PROUD) Well what can I say—

Vicky looks within her cave of sheets and pulls out the definitive hardcover collection of Dragon Heat.

VICKY

I’ve become something of a _connoisseur_ these days!

POLLY

(MIND BLOWN) DUDE! YOU’VE GOT, LIKE, _ALL_ OF THEM!

vera

How on earth did you manage to score this?!

VICKY

(PROUD) I have my ways! ~

POLLY

What’s your fave chapter?? Mine’s that one time after the Choking Bay adventure when Harold McDonghard, Horace the Hydra and Draco Delacourte have to rest at an inn but there’s only one bed… (ELATED) Ohhh man…!

VERA

Personally, I’m partial to the one where Vanesseria unmasks her savior only to find out its herself. And then they have sex.

VICKY

Ladies, ladies… Those are fine chapters and everything, but _personally_ I see no better Dragon Heat experience than the carnal classic ‘Sexcalibur’ arc.

POLLY

(SQEEING) EEEEEE--!! How did we forget about the Sexcalibur arc?!

VERA

Indeed…

POLLY

Everybody taking turns with the dildo… wondering who would be the chosen one…!

VICKY

On that subject, I have something that might interest you two fellow dracophiles!

Vicky looks in her bundle of sheets again and pulls out a golden shiny dildo. Polly stumbles backwards at the sheer brilliance. Vera is just as blown away.

POLLY

(STAMMERING) I-I-IS--!?!

vera

Is that _THE_ officially licensed sexcalibur replica?! They only made 15!

VICKY

(FLIRTY) How about it girls? Why don’t we do our own ‘Sexcalibur trial’?

BRIAN

(O.S.) Uhh—

The girls turn to Brian who’s still here. He is truly, and thoroughly weirded out.

VERA

Oh right, _this_ guy…

VICKY

Brian would you leave? We’re about to get busy, here.

POLLY

No, no wait, wait… Brian, stay. (SMIRKING) Put this dildo up your ass. Come on.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL - AFTERNOON

MONTAGE – AMIRA HAS TO FIX EVERYTHING

Amira goes around school, showing clubs who’ve lost their only competent member how to do what they made a club to do in the first place.

A – Amira tries to help out the robotics club. Their machinery’s not turning on, and everyone’s arguing with each other about who’s fault it is. Amira’s the only one who notices that the computer’s not even plugged in.  
  
She plugs it in. It’s awkward.

B – The art club (not Oz’) sketches Amira. Amira gets sleepy from having to sit still for so long.

C –The school band’s lost its conductor, so Amira has to fill in. She has no idea how, so she just swings the baton in a metronome-like rhythm with absolutely no motivation at all. Somehow its effective. It really doesn’t matter what the conductor’s doing, apparently, they just needed someone to swing the stick around.

D – Amira enters the anime club. Sees what they’re about. And leaves. She bars the door with police tape.

E – Amira has to give a demonstration for the woodworking club. She does, in fact, try her best, but what she tried to make look like a statue of a golden retriever ends up looking like a total mess. Which is exactly on par with everyone else’s talent level, so no one minds.

END OF MONTAGE

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, DEBATE CLUB – AFTERNOON

Amira, totally spent, quietly tries to recover from the day she just had.

The debate club awkwardly waits for her to acknowledge them.

BEAT.

DEBATE CLUB MEMBER

Um--

AMIRA

Shhh. I need a minute.

BEAT.

AMIRA

… Alright. What do you idiots need?

DEBATE CLUB MEMBER

We’re totally lost now that Vicky’s gone.

AMIRA

What else is new? Bro, they gotta give that girl the key to the city or somethin’, how is it this school got THIS many idiots? And why do so many of them have _clubs?_ What part of being stupid as hell makes you qualified to be in a club? I don’t know if it’s confidence or what, but if I was a royal dumbass I wouldn’t wanna be part of _shit!_ I’d sit in my own lil’ dumbass corner, not botherin’ nobody! Somebody comes up to me like “Hey wanna be part of this club?” I go “Nahhh, bruh. I can’t be part of that, I’m too stupid. Ask someone less stupid.”

Amira sighs.

AMIRA

So what’s goin’ on here? This is the, uh… the debate club, right? What do y’all need Vicky for?

DEBATE CLUB MEMBER

Well, here’s the thing… we can’t debate without Vicky.

AMIRA

Why?

DEBATE CLUB MEMBER

Because she’s the only member of the club who picks positive stances on anything.

amira

Are you fuckin’ _serious?_

DEBATE CLUB MEMBER

Yes. You see, we’re all assholes. All of us, everyone in the club is a huge dick. _Especially_ Zack.

The club member motions to Zack, a crawling pile of filth.

DEBATE CLUB MEMBER

Like, you know how they say don’t judge a book by its cover? Zack is the one book you _absolutely_ need to judge by its cover, I’m pretty sure he’s straight up racist.

Zack’s trash-like body gurgles.

DEBATE CLUB MEMBER

Zack, shut up! Stop saying crime statistics! Asshole…

AMIRA

Wait, ain’t you a dickhead too? You said everybody in here sucked.

DEBATE CLUB MEMBER

Oh, yeah, we all suck. But that’s why we joined the debate club in the first place! We love arguing, and specifically, we love making people feel bad about what they believe, because as I’ve stated previously, we’re all assholes.

AMIRA

(MUTTERING) This is _the_ dumbest shit…

DEBATE CLUB MEMBER

Now that Vicky’s gone, though… no one knows what to argue against. No matter what topic we bring up, everyone wants to pick the most controversial, mean-spirited take and no one wants to be the moderate, rational person that we can lambast and take down.

AMIRA

Are you guys implying that as soon as the club lost the _one_ member that wasn’t a piece of shit, the whole thing collapsed?

DEBATE CLUB MEMBER

Yes.

amira

… Wow. Y’all _do not_ deserve Vicky. Lemme call Vera and get you guys disbanded.

DEBATE CLUB MEMBER

W-Wait! Please don’t do that!

AMIRA

Give me _one_ reason.

DEBATE CLUB MEMBER

Because…!

BEAT.

DEBATE CLUB MEMBER

(TO OTHER MEMBERS) Uh, guys? A little help? I don’t know how to come up with positives, I only know how to debate against their merit.

Zack’s body gurgles. The debate club member winces.

DEBATE CLUB MEMBER

Umm… Alright, I’m not gonna translate what Zack said, because I think there was a slur in there.

AMIRa

You _think?_

DEBATE CLUB MEMBER

It’s not a term I’ve ever heard before, but he said it mean enough that I’m pretty sure he meant it in a derogatory way. (TO ZACK, HORRIFIED) Holy shit, Zack, did you just _invent_ a slur?!

AMIRA

Alright! Alright. I don’t know why, but I feel kinda bad for y’all. I mean you guys have to hang out with _each other_ and that’s punishment enough.

DEBATE CLUB MEMBER

Absolutely, I hate these guys and I'm _positive_ it's mutual.

AMIRA

I came up with an idea, you’re welcome. Everybody pull out their phones.

Everyone complies.

AMIRA

Go on twitter. Look up any female user making a statement about anything. Bonus points if it’s politics.

They all do so. Most of them are already getting mad. Zack is _boiling,_ he’s so angry.

AMIRA

Argue away.

Everyone starts furiously responding to these innocent people with what will undoubtedly be unwarranted aggression. Amira, satisfied in the knowledge that these guys will be sated for at least a month, walks away.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CAFETERIA – NOON

Brian looks even more haggard than the last time he was here. He’s pulling his hair back, eyes wide and fatigued.

BRIAN

I am… once again asking for your emotional support.

REVERSE: Damien and Miranda sit before him. Miranda is a little aimless but Damien just looks bored.

BRIAN

It’s good to see you again, by the way, Miranda. How’d the petrification heal?

MIRANDA

(CHEERFUL) I am fully healed, thank you for your most worthless of peasant concerns! I can’t remember anything that happened, but I’m sure it was nothing too important.

damien

What did you say Vicky was up to again? She’s reading a book?

BRIAN

(EXASPERATED) She’s cooped up in her room all day reading porn. I _TRIED_ getting Vera and Polly to help but they just made it like, a hundred times worse! Somehow Vicky’s a cool girl now – even though all she did was jerk off instead of eating food!

DAMIEN

That sounds fucking awesome, why are you complaining?

MIRANDA

“Jerk”? “Off”? What is this activity?

BRIAN

U-Uh--

DAMIEN

Well, Miranda--

BRIAN

Damien, don't. Anyway, Vic is an honor student. And she’s my friend! I owe her a lot! I don’t want her to mess her life up over fuckin’… Dragon Heat!

Both Miranda and Damien perk up immediately.

DAMIEN AND MIRANDA

(EXCITED) Dragon Heat????

BRIAN

(REGRET) Oh god, no.

INT. VICKY’S HOUSE, VICKY’S ROOM – LATER

Brian sits in a corner of Vicky’s room, in the fetal position. Damien and Miranda sit beside Vicky, on her bed. Miranda’s crying.

MIRANDA

(CRYING) And, And, And, when Godiva Galentina woke up, her paramore, the love of her life Harold McDonghard, vanished! (PAINED) Why…?

VICKY

(CRYING) I don’t know…! I just don’t know…

DAMIEN

He must be scared.

The girls turn to Damien. He’s staring at a wall, a forlorn expression on his face.

DAMIEN

He’s scared of committing. His whole life, all he ever knew were shallow relationships, empty flings that started and ended at the whim of his own libido. Godiva isn’t like that… She’s smart, kind, strong… She’s too good for Harold, but Harold can’t help falling for her. _That_ terrifies him.

Damien looks down.

DAMIEN

He’s finally found a girl he couldn’t bear hurting. He loves her, but he doesn’t trust himself to make her happy. So he’d rather give up, and make her hate him, rather than trying to love her and hurting her deeper.

Tears escape Damien’s eyes. He sobs quietly. Vicky and Miranda try to console him.

Brian cannot fathom or process any of what’s happening.

MIRANDA

Why are matters of the heart so complex…?

VICKY

Who knows? Sometimes…

Vicky looks off, a pained expression on her face.

VICKY

Sometimes you love someone your whole life, and… it just doesn’t work out. You don’t even get a chance… you just get shut out.

Brian takes notice of Vicky’s words. They seem really personal. Brian is, for once, determined.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, DRAMA CLUB – MEANWHILE

Amira bursts into the drama club room. Everyone in it jumps and turns towards her as she does.

Amira looks like she’s at the end of her rope. She is.

AMIRA

(BREATHING HEAVY) Y’ALL! Y’all are the last fuckin’ people on Vicky’s list! What’s wrong?!

DRAMA CLUB MEMBER

“Wrong?”--

AMIRA

Y’ALL FUCKIN’ _SOMETHIN’_ UP I KNOW IT!

LIAM

(O.S.) For god’s sake, who’s making all that noise?

Liam appears from the shadows.

liam

Amira? An unlikely visit, but not an unwelcome one.

AMIRA

Yo, big-ear purple manbun boy.

LIAM

(CORRECTING) … _Liam--_

AMIRA

Are you the boss around here? Who’s in charge?

LIAM

(CHUCKLING) Why yes! I _am_ “the boss.”

DRAMA CLUB MEMBER

What? Liam, you’re not “the boss.” For the last time, you’re not the club’s president just because you “have a degree in doing art the best.” That’s not even a real degree!

LIAM

Actually - and I don’t blame you for not knowing this, ignorant as you are - it is _very_ legitimate. 200 years ago, “doing art the best” was a very real - and incidentally very _prestigious -_ program at Monstropolis University.

DRAMA CLUB MEMBER

… _University?_ Why are you in high school if you have a university degree?

Liam laughs.

DRAMA CLUB MEMBER

No, but seriously, though.

LIAM

Anyway, Amira. What can I, _the drama club’s ringleader,_ do for you?

AMIRA

Vicky’s in this club right? She’s gone?

LIAM

That’s correct.

AMIRA

So? What’s the problem? Vicky had to have been keeping _something_ in here from falling apart, what is it? I swear, this is the last place on my fuckin’ list, I need this shit to be over with _expeditiously._

LIAM

“Falling apart?” I’m unclear what you’re referring to, everything’s fine.

AMIRA

Everything’s… fine?

LIAM

Vicky was indeed part of this club, but we’re managing just fine without her.

AMIRA

… For real?

LIAM

Yes.

AMIRA

Cool.

Amira faceplants onto the ground, immediately passing out from exhaustion.

liam

… Would you people kindly escort her somewhere she can pass out more dramatically?

Drama club members pick up Amira and place her on a velvet couch.

LIAM

Perfect. Now, back to business.

DRAMA CLUB MEMBER

Business… you mean Oz, right?

LIAM

Precisely! I thought I tasked you all with recruiting him to the drama club, why is he _still_ not here?

DRAMA CLUB MEMBER

Well, what are we _supposed_ to do? He’s not here! We asked all the teachers and they all said he was “gone due to illness.”

LIAM

Illness… Hm…

DRAMA CLUB MEMBER

I can’t believe we’re seriously doing your bidding… go back to the debate club already, Liam.

LIAM

I refuse. It was cool when I started it, but there are too many people in it now. 

DRAMA CLUB MEMBER

There are _three times_ as many people in the drama club!

LIAM

Indeed, and thank you for reminding me:

Liam pulls out a pristinely folded sheet from his pocket.

LIAM

Here is a list of every redundant, unproductive or otherwise purposeless member of the drama club. (HANDING LETTER TO DRAMA CLUB MEMBER) Please dismiss them at _my_ earliest convenience, which is _immediately._

BEAT.

The drama club member turns the paper over.

DRAMA CLUB MEMBER

… Liam, this is half the club.

LIAM

Exactly, it could've been _way_ more. I was _extremely_ generous, truth be told.

DRAMA CLUB MEMBER

Wait, _I'M_ on here!

LIAM

Indeed you are, but you were close to making the cut. I'd be proud if I were you.

BEAT.

LIAM

Just kidding, you weren't. That was me being generous just then.

ACT THREE

INT. OUTSIDE VICKY’S ROOM – AFTERNOON

Miranda and Damien have left. Brian peeks into Vicky’s room. It hasn’t gotten any better at all. He sighs and turns toward the person he’s brought this time.

BRIAN

She’s been shutting herself in. I asked around… I think you might be the reason.

REVERSE: Scott’s standing by the door with Brian, he looks really worried.

SCOTT

Oh, geez… my fault, you said? That looks really, _really_ bad…

Brian takes a deep breath.

BRIAN

Listen, Scott… I understand that you don’t _have_ to like anyone. I’m not mad at you at all, and I’m sure Vicky’s not either. It’s just…

Brian takes a moment.

BRIAN

I think… we’d both feel a lot better if you explained why. Vicky’s a great girl, but her problem is she doesn’t believe it at all… Even though she’s so important to so many people, it’s like she’s unable to gauge her own worth. She’s never put herself out there the way she did to you… so please give her a little closure.

Scott takes this in. His face hardens a little, it’s clear he’s taking this seriously.

He knocks on the door and enters. Wordlessly he walks past the pile of clothes, books, plates, and others to reach the bed where Vicky’s hiding.

He pokes the pile a little. Vicky pokes an eye out of the Sheets and sees… it’s Scott. Vicky whips the sheets off and stares at him. Vicky’s eyes widen, in heart-rending surprise.

vicky

Scott…?

As soon as the words escape her mouth, Scott wordlessly picks her up… and gives her a big hug. Vicky gasps at the sudden contact.

VICKY

(BLUSHING) S-Scott…?!

Scott says nothing, he just hugs her. Tears well up in Vicky’s eyes.

VICKY

(SADDENED) Scott, stop it… I smell really bad, you’ll smell too…

SCOTT

That doesn’t matter.

Scott squeezes tighter. Vicky sobs silently on Scott’s shoulder.

SCOTT

You’ll be ok.

Vicky nods a little.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CAFETERIA – NOON

Vicky sits at a cafeteria table, wearing dark sunglasses and slurping a cola through a straw.

Brian and Amira sit opposite her. Amira has dark circles under her eyes.

Vicky’s slurping continues for a full beat. Eventually she stops.

VICKY

… So, I’m back.

AMIRA

Yeah, we noticed.

VICKY

I feel like shit. But I’m back.

BRIAN

That’s… I’m glad, Vicky.

Vicky nods for a bit.

VICKY

You know… I feel like, I learned a valuable lesson.

AMIRA

Oh yeah? Like what, where your G spot is?

BEAT.

VICKY

I feel like I learned two valuable lessons.

Amira bursts out laughing.

AMIRA

Don’t fuckin’ act like you were meditating, girl! We know what you were up to – _believe_ me, _this_ guy knows for _SURE_.

vicky

Whether or not things did or did not allegedly occur is entirely up to speculation and MOST of all there’s no way Brian would have any idea since the walls are thick between our rooms.

BRIAN

Yeah… there’s absolutely no way I heard anything.

VICKY

Exactly—

BRIAN

Especially not at night. When I was trying to sleep. Especially not then.

BEAT.

VICKY

Exactly. 

amira

You two might need to have a conversation after this…

VICKY

Anyway, I learned something important, while I was reading – merely reading, not engaging in any other activities – Dragon Heat. For a good long while that week I really started thinking that what I felt for Scott was just naïve and childish, just my first crush and nothing more. I thought I could really forget all about him… But then I saw him. Nothing changed… my heart was still pounding… I think this might be the real deal. I might truly be in love with Scott.

AMIRA

That so…?

vicky

I know it’s stupid… I know it’s a fool’s errand, I know I’m just setting myself for failure but… I refuse to give up on this. I got rejected… but I can’t help it.

Brian sighs.

BRIAN

Vicky… it’s tough supporting you on this, you know.

AMIRA

Yeah, you sure you’re not just _way_ hornier than you thought you were?

VICKY

Amira, I can assure you that If I was ever horny before in my life, every ounce of that energy has been expelled and vanquished.

BRIAN

I can also assure that.

BEAT.

BRIAN

In a non-specific… non-accusatory, non-committal way.

vicky

With that said—

Vicky gets up.

VICKY

Time to set my plan into motion.

AMIRA

What are you planning now…?

Vicky drops the copy of Dragon Heat Amira gave her in the bar on the table.

VICKY

It’s in there. You can have it back, by the way.

AMIRA

Uhhhh… I don’t _want_ this back after what you did with it.

VICKY

Just open the first page… I’m trying to do a thing here, it’s a moment. I planned this and everything.

Amira sighs and grabs a napkin. While she does, Vicky leaves for Scott’s table.

BRIAN

Hey.

AMIRA

What?

Amira uses the napkin to slowly, with a disgusted look on her face, open the book while protecting her hands.

BRIAN

Thanks for taking care of all Vicky’s club business while she was gone.

AMIRA

Whatever. I didn’t do it for her.

BRIAN

Who’d you do it for, then?

Amira doesn’t answer.

Inside the cover there’s a note written.

“NEW SCOTT SEDUCTION IDEAS:

IDEA 1: GET TO KNOW HIM BETTER.

IDEA 2: WAIT FOR THE TOURNAMENT TO END.

IDEA 3: CONFESS FOR REAL.”

Cut to Vicky, who’s reached Scott’s table. Scott’s sitting with Vera, Polly, Damien, Liam and Miranda.

Vicky pokes Scott’s shoulder, who turns around and beams.

SCOTT

Oh, hey Vicky! Glad to see you back in school!

VICKY

Hey Scott.

POLLY

Heyyy Boo!!

Polly waves at Vicky from the other side of the table. At this point Vicky notices that everyone at the table is reading what appears to be identical copies of the same book.

VICKY

Hey Polly… Wait, what are you guys doing?

SCOTT

Oh, the guys showed me this cool book. We’re starting a book club, look!

Scott shows Vicky the cover of the book. Everyone else does the same.

… It’s Dragon Heat. Vicky freezes.

SCOTT

This book’s great! Have you read it??

Everyone else at the table gives Vicky a knowing look. Vicky gulps.

VICKY

(NERVOUS) U-uh, well… A little?

FADE OUT:

THE END


	10. The Boys Go Digital

FADE IN:

INT. VALERIE’S STORE – MORNING

Valerie sits at her counter, laughing her head off. I mean, she’s really wheezing here, she’s almost turning blue because of how much she’s laughing.

Damien and Scott stand before her, the former irate, and the latter apprehensive.

VALERIE

Oh… Oh man! That’s the funniest shit I heard all week—

DAMIEN

Why the hell are you laughing?! We really DO want a refund—

Valerie starts laughing again. Damien slams his hands on the counter.

DAMIEN

(PISSED) Stop laughing! Give us our money back, you fucking _SCAMMED_ US—

Valerie goes dead silent on a dime. She gives the two customers an icy glare before crossing her arms.

VALERIE

I “scammed” you guys? When?

DAMIEN

When you sold us _THIS_ shit!

Damien drops a purple floppy disk on the table.

VALERIE

… what the hell is this?

DAMIEN

Some shit YOU sold us! (PICKING UP DISK) You showed us this! You said “Ohh buy this Floppy Disk, it’s probably magic” and we were like “Cool! I love magic! I wish I had magical powers every day!” So, we bought it! And now—

Damien smacks the floppy disk back down on the counter. He looks grave.

DAMIEN

… Now the library computers all have viruses.

BEAT.

VALERIE

Ok, so I zoned out for a little bit- what part of this is supposed to be my fault again?

DAMIEN

Ideally, all of it.

VALERIE

 _Ideally_ , you better get the fuck out of my store.

SCOTT

(SADDENED) It was my fault… I pressed the button that made the viruses happen.

VALERIE

(MOTIONING TO SCOTT) See? He said it was his fault: Ask your furry boyfriend for a refund, you spicy red baby.

DAMIEN

(THREATENING) That’s spicy red _adult_.

BRIAN 

(O.S.) Uhh, what did I just walk into?

Brian enters from the storeroom, his apron on and everything.

BRIAN

By the way Val, I found this?

Brian puts up a small, gray cat in a wizard’s robe.

BRIAN

Hoping this thing isn’t sentient because it’d be _super_ fucked up if we kept it in a box for god knows how long.

CAT

Sorry, man. Thanks for taking me out that box, though.

The cat wiggles free from Brian’s grasp.

BRIAN

Alright, well… I’m just not gonna think about that too hard…

DAMIEN

Brian? What are you doing here?

BRIAN

Look at my badge, man, I work here. And by work, I apparently mean “volunteer” since you’ve yet to pay me a single wage, Val.

VALERIE

Keep nagging me about it and soon enough I’ll be paying you in exposure.

BRIAN

(LAUGHING) Exposure to what, your bullshit?

VALERIE

(SMIRKING) How about exposure to—

DAMIEN

Alright shut up, We’re trying to get a refund here!

BRIAN

A refund? Yeesh, Good luck with _that_ , man.

VALERIE

Good luck indeed because I just came up with a solution that benefits everybody! Brian, go fix this virus thing. (TO DAMIEN, SCOTT) And you two babies pay me. Why refund something that you can pay MORE money to solve?

DAMIEN

Hmm… you make a good point…

BRIAN

How does this benefit _everybody_? Where’s _my_ benefit?

VALERIE

Uhh… you get to keep? Your job? Dumbass?

brian

Oh yeah…

BEAT.

BRIAN

Can I get a raise too--?

VALERIE

(INTERRUPTING) No.

TITLE: “THE BOYS GO DIGITAL”

THEME SONG

ACT ONE

INT. HOMEROOM – MORNING

We begin on an extremely frightened Coach.

COACH

(TREMBLING) A-… Alright, C-Class!

Coach wipes the sweat from his brow. A shot of the class shows they’re all looking to the windows either terrified, in awe, or – in Miranda’s case – on the brink of tears.

COACH

We, um… we have… We…

Right outside the window, a massive, hulking, maddening creature with many eyes and mouths, Z’Gord, peers inside the classroom. Its eyes scan every student. Coach is cowering too much to finish his thought. 

Z’GORD

**(TO COACH) MORTAL…**

Coach jumps and trembles at being addressed by this terrifying beast.

Z’GORD

**YOUR INTRODUCTION WAS… INSUFFICIENT.**

COACH

P-Please forgive me I—

Z’GORD

**NEVERTHELESS, IT IS OF NO IMPORT TO ME… I HAD BEEN PLANNING TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.**

BEAT.

Z’GORD

 **AH, SORRY, COULD SOMEONE OPEN ONE OF THESE WINDOWS PLEASE? I CAN’T GET IN WHEN THEY’RE ALL… CLOSED…** (SOMEONE OPENS A WINDOW) **OH, THANK YOU. UMM, A LITTLE WIDER ACTUALLY WOULD BE NICE?** (THE SAME STUDENT OPENS IT WIDER) **THERE THAT’S GOOD. THANKS.**

Z’Gord clears its throat. Thunderclouds appear ominously as it prepares to speak.

Z’GORD

(OMINOUS) **_FOR MANY MILLENIA, I WAS FEARED, REVERED, LOATHED AND SCORNED BY AN UNCOUNTABLE NUMBER OF CREATURES – BOTH FROM THIS PLANET AND MANY OTHERS…_**

Z’Gord trails off. The thunderclouds disappear.

Z’GORD

 **ACTUALLY, COULD YOU OPEN A FEW MORE WINDOWS? I DON’T KNOW IF I’LL HAVE LIKE, THE SPACE TO… Y’KNOW…** (A STUDENT POINTS TO A SET OF DOUBLE WINDOWS) **YEAH, LIKE THESE ONES, THE MIDDLE ONES. THEY’RE GOOD, THEY GO LIKE… LIKE _THAT_ , RIGHT? THEY HAVE A LOT OF _ROOM_ , THEY’RE ROOMY.** (STUDENT OPENS THE WINDOWS WIDE) **THERE, THAT’S PERFECT! THANK YOU _SO_ MUCH, YOU REALLY HELPED ME OUT HERE, SERIOUSLY. WHAT’S YOUR NAME?**

The student speaks.

Z’GORD

 **VICKY? THAT’S A NICE NAME! Y’KNOW WE SHOULD HANG OUT OR SOMETHING, I’M NEW AND EVERYTHING SO… I MEAN, I NEED ALL THE FRIENDS I CAN GET! HAHA…** (VICKY ANSWERS) **OH, YOU’LL SHOW ME AROUND? THAT’S SO NICE! I APPRECIATE THAT, THAT’S REALLY THOUGHTFUL. VICKY, WHAT A NICE GIRL…**

BEAT.

Z’GORD

(REALIZING) **OH RIGHT, I WAS DOING SOMETHING-- I’LL TALK TO YOU LATER VICKY, I JUST GOTTA DO THIS THING REAL QUICK… YEAH, YEAH IT’S LIKE, I PRACTICED A THING I WANTED TO DO, LIKE A LITTLE… INTRODUCTION NUMBER AND STUFF. HERE, JUST WATCH:**

Z’gord clears its throat again, the thunderclouds return. A fierce wind blows through the classroom.

Z’GORD

(OMINOUS) ** _FOR MANY MILLENIA, I WAS FEARED, REVERED, LOATHED AND SCORNED BY AN UNCOUNTABLE NUMBER OF CREATURES – BOTH FROM THIS PLANET AND MANY OTHERS… THEY CALLED ME BY MANY NAMES. SOME KNEW ME AS A GOD – OTHERS AS THAT WHICH CAN KILL GODS…_**

Thunder strikes again and again. The howling wind is nearly deafening. Z’Gord begins to glow.

Z’GORD

**_NEITHER IS ACCURATE. WHAT YOU SEE BEFORE YOU IS NEITHER Z’GORD, NOR A RULER OF THE DARK REALMS. I AM BEYOND THAT… I HAVE GAINED A SELF. I AM--!!_ **

Z’gord’s body is engulfed in a blinding light. As the shine reaches its apex, we fade to white. And as we fade back…

TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE

Z’gord undergoes what is known in the scientific community as a “Magical Girl Transformation Sequence.” Z’gord’s body – now resembling a more bidepal, feminine form - is engulfed in light and, in classic magical girl fashion, clothes shwing and sprinkle upon her with a flourish. She dons a yellow Emoji hoodie, black leggings and some sneakers.

END SEQUENCE

Finally, she floats gently down to the classroom floor, before twirling and striking an anime pose.

ZOE

I am Zoe!

Zoe winks.

The classroom is in total disarray. Desks are flung everywhere, papers are strewn about all over the place, half the students have been thrown to the ground, and the other half are barely hanging on to their seats.

Zoe pumps her fist.

ZOE

 _Nailed_ it!

Miranda slowly rises from the pile of desks, tears in her eyes.

ZOE

(TO COACH) So, where do I sit exactly—

Miranda runs at Zoe at top speed and hugs her fiercely. Zoe tumbles to the ground.

MIRANDA

(CRYING) LIL’ BUDDYYYYyyyyyyyyy…!

Miranda nuzzles Zoe with everything she has.

ZOE

(LAUGHING) H-Haha! Hey, cut it out, you’re getting scales in my many mouths, Miranda!

Miranda pauses. She unhands Zoe momentarily, and looks down at her.

MIRANDA

(TOUCHED) … you remember me?

ZOE

Woah, you glomped me without being sure I remembered you?

MIRANDA

I suppose I was hoping you would. (SADDENED) That said, I’m not sure if what you remember is _worth_ remembering…

Zoe puts a tentacle on Miranda’s cheek.

ZOE

Hey… (SMILING) It’s ok. I forgive you.

Miranda nods sadly, as more tears well up in her eyes.

ZOE

We got off to a rough start but… that’s in the past. I’m totally over it! I don’t mind if we just forget all that stuff ever happened.

MIRANDA

Just… forget it?

ZOE

Sure! Here.

Zoe extends a hand to Miranda.

MIRANDA

My name’s Zoe now… It’s nice to meet you, Miranda.

Miranda seems relieved. She shakes Zoe’s hand.

MIRANDA

It’s nice to meet you too, Zoe.

POLLY

(O.S.) You’re…

From the pile of desks, another figure appears. Polly… who seems a lot less welcoming of Zoe’s appearance. Rather, she looks reserved, and outwardly anxious. There’s a little fear there too.

ZOE

Oh!

Zoe tries to get up, knocking Miranda over. Both girls giggle and get up, sauntering over to Polly. Polly still doesn’t seem too pleased.

ZOE

Hey, Polly! Didja miss me?

Zoe winks one of the light-devouring voids that she’s fashioned into eyes.

POLLY

(DRAWING BACK) U-Umm…

MIRANDA

What is wrong, Polly? Do you not jubilate at the sight of our friend’s glorious return??

Miranda nuzzles Zoe a little. Zoe giggles.

POLLY

I-I guess I’m just… wondering what made you want to come back here? Haha…

Zoe cocks her head.

ZOE

I don’t know… why do _you_ think I’m here?

This question makes Polly panic a little.

ZOE

Oh! I know…

Zoe opens her mouth wider than it should feasibly be able to. She takes her tentacle and shoves it down her throat. It thrashes around, rocking Zoe’s body as it does. Eventually it clunks onto something, and Zoe’s body shivers. Zoe retracts the tentacle and whips her head forward to the ground, the momentum retching out an object from within Zoe’s stomach. It smacks onto the ground with a wet slap.

ZOE

 _Here…_ This is what you were worried about, right?

The object on the ground is a gold watch. The color of it is heavily rusted and faded, likely due to Zoe’s stomach acid. Polly takes a step back, terror rising within her.

ZOE

You can have this back…

Zoe looks back up, her face showing a blank, void-like smile.

ZOE

(OMINOUS) It’s the only part of him I couldn’t _digest_.

Zoe licks her lips a little. Polly is terrified.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL LIBRARY – LATER

Brian sits at a computer desk flanked by Scott and Damien. He puts the floppy disk from before into the computer and clicks around.

DAMIEN

What do you think?

BRIAN

Yep, this is… for sure a virus.

There’s a file on Floppy disk called “SuperFunGame((Legit)).virus”.

BRIAN

Which one of you dingbats clicked on this?

Damien and Scott both point at eachother. Damien gives him a look and Scott sadly turns his finger to himself.

BRIAN

Alright, no big deal… first let’s just open a command prompt—

Before Brian can even do that, A fully realized Virus user interface appears. Text appears onscreen reading “I AM A MAGIC VIRUS”.

BRIAN

Uhhh, what?

DAMIEN

Yeah, this is what happens. Basically, on all the computers in here if you use them for however long this shit’ll show up.

BRIAN

You can’t be serious. This is the goofiest shit I’ve ever seen – did a 14-year-old write this?

SCOTT

Brian, it says it’s a magic virus. A wizard must’ve wrote it – meaning whoever did had to be at least 30. Think a little, bro!

BEAT.

BRIAN

Who pressed on the obvious virus again?

Brian and Damien both point at Scott. Scott looks off, dejected.

DAMIEN

You gotta help us get rid of this shit, man! We’ve managed to hide that there’s viruses on every computer SO far-

SCOTT

Mostly I just yell at whoever wants to use the computer until they leave.

DAMIEN

And I stab them as soon as they sit down, but we can’t do that forever! Soon enough the Librarian’s gonna notice and--

BRIAN

Actually, where _is_ the librarian? I haven’t seen her around at all and I’ve been here for almost two months.

DAMIEN

She’s on her lunch break.

BRIAN

Lunch break? How long’s she been on that?

Damien counts on his fingers.

DAMIEN

Like… three-four hundred years?

BEAT.

BRIAN

This school’s obviously long dead librarian aside- we should probably just get rid of this virus as like, an act of kindness to people who want to use these to do work.

DAMIEN

Or play space pinball.

SCOTT

You can _work_ on a computer?? Why would you ever do that?!

BRIAN

Good question… (CLICKING AROUND) I guess first step should be to see if the firewall’s been disabled.

DAMIEN

If that firewall’s worth its salt it’s not gonna be disabled by some baby shit virus like this--

BRIAN

It’s disabled.

DAMIEN

(ANGRY) Are you fuckin--?!

Damien grabs a matchbox and furiously tries to set 5 to 6 matches alight at once.

DAMIEN

Not on my fuckin’ watch, lemme help--!

BRIAN

Damien calm down, dude! This isn’t literal fire, it’s like… (SIGHING) Are you guys gonna care if I actually explain what a firewall is, or should I just say its magic?

DAMIEN

I already stopped caring.

BRIAN

Noted.

SCOTT

You should just say its magic from the start! Everything should be explained that way, it spices life up AND it makes everything _way_ less complicated!

BRIAN

Also noted.

DAMIEN

You sure you got this under control? You’re just typing away over there.

BRIAN

No worries, dude, I know exactly what I’m doing.

The screen suddenly gets engulfed in darkness. Dark green lines of code run through the computer screen, as a progress bar appears reading “Hacking percentage” that’s slowly filling up.

BRIAN

What the fuck is happening.

DAMIEN

Dude! You’re kicking that virus’ ass!

BRIAN

Damien, this isn’t me, the computer’s just _doing_ this.

A message reads saying “Entering virus core, 3…2…1…”

BRIAN

Wh-What the--?!

Out of nowhere, a low poly video game – think Star Fox but more wireframes – boots up.

BRIAN

Uhhhhh????

DAMIEN

Dude, what are you waiting for?! Hack this fuckin’ thing!

SCOTT

Use your special!

BRIAN

I mean, I guess??

Brian starts playing this video game. He’s kinda getting into it. Suddenly, menacing music plays – there’s music now by the way – as an evil looking head appears. Once again, Star Fox but more wireframes.

DAMIEN

DUDE! That’s the virus! shoot it!

BRIAN

I’m shooting it, dude! I’m shooting the shit out of… this bald guy’s head…?

SCOTT

Use your special!!!

The head is dealt a critical blow and it flashes, very helpfully indicating it’s vulnerable. Text on screen reads—

SCOTT

USE YOUR SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!

Brian does, in fact, use his special. The head disintegrates. The three boys cheer as the deed is done.

DAMIEN

Wooo!!! (CLAPPING) Go Brian!!

SCOTT

Brian you did it!

BRIAN

(EXCITED) Phew… I did it!

BEAT.

BRIAN

… What the fuck just happened?

Suddenly, the desktop starts rumbling.

damien

Uhhh—

Purple smoke comes out of the computer. Text on screen appears reading “CONGRATULATIONS”, which flashes wild colors and glows as more purple smoke spews out. The computer’s shaking and rumbling intensifies as the three boys progressively look more and more worried, until--!

Everything stops. the rumbling and smoke cease. The screen flashes white as every bit of the purple smoke dissipates. It’s quiet for a moment… then the black computer screen boots on. A green overlay appears, followed by a little progress bar, which when completed, catalyses the appearance of a graphic of a colon and a closed parentheses on screen.

CALCULESTER

HELLO, I AM CALCULESTER… ARE YOU MY FATHERS?

The boys behold this with wide, bewildered eyes.

BEAT.

Damien pulls a match from his pocket and lights it.

ACT TWO

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL LIBRARY – A LITTLE LATER

Scott, Brian and Damien are in the library freaking out. Brian is contemplating silently, Scott bites his nails and Damien paces back and forth.

DAMIEN

Dude, what the fuck are we gonna do?! How did this even _happen?!_

BRIAN

That’s what I wanna know…

DAMIEN

I mean one moment we’re just _regular_ adult teenagers at a _regular_ high school, playing a game on a computer and NOW—

Calculester, still smiling, looks around.

CALCULESTER

FATHERS? WHERE HAVE YOU GONE? YOU SEEM TO HAVE EXITED THE RANGE OF THIS UNIT’S WEB CAMERA. PLEASE RE-ENTER MY FIELD OF VIEW, SO THAT I MAY GAZE UPON MY BIOLOGICAL PARENTAGE ONCE MORE.

DAMIEN

(WHISPERING) … Now we’re PARENTS! I’m not ready for this kind of fucking responsibility! I literally JUST got done ghosting this chick I spoke to for 3 months!

BRIAN

(LAUGHING) Geez, I know you’re literally a demon, but you’re a _demon_ on Tinder, dude.

DAMIEN

Tinder? What are you talking about? I’m talking about a girl I _killed_.

BRIAN

(REALIZING) Ohh, I get it, “Ghosted”. You—

DAMIEN

Turned her into a ghost, yes. (PANICKED) S-See! This is exactly why I shouldn’t have a kid!

brian

Would you chill out already, Damien? Take this more like Scott, he’s super relaxed about this whole thing.

Damien and Brian turn to Scott. He’s quietly chewing on one of his nails.

BRIAN

(WORRIED) Uh… Scott?

DAMIEN

What’s wrong buddy?

SCOTT

(SERIOUS) If all three of us are the fathers… (TURNING TO BRIAN AND DAMIEN) Who got pregnant?

BEAT.

DAMIEN

Uhh, _definitely_ not me.

SCOTT

I agree, I’m thinking it might be Brian.

BRIAN

Wh-What?! Why am _I_ the pregnant one?!

SCOTT

No, no but like, think about it- You were the one on the computer and stuff! You did all the computer things; you knew everything about the uh… the computer! Just like a mom knows everything about…! Her baby! That’s inside her! (MATTER OF FACT) You were pregnant.

DAMIEN

Hey, makes sense to me.

BRIAN

That doesn’t make sense AT ALL. So now suddenly it’s _my_ baby just because I happen to know a little about computer science?! _You two_ were the ones who came to _me_ to help you fix this floppy disk shit! I didn’t give birth to the baby, I just used my expertise to help the baby be born! I’m _obviously_ the doctor here! I _delivered_ the baby!

BEAT.

SCOTT

… Damien?

damien

Don’t say it.

BEAT.

SCOTT

Damien, I think _we_ were the pregnant ones.

DAMIEN

I DON’T WANNA BE FUCKING PREGNANT!

CALCULESTER

FATHERS—

DAMIEN

WHAT?!

Damien whips back around to face Calculester, only to be face to face with none other than the principal, who looks at them disapprovingly. He’s got two of his legs on what I’m sure would be his hips if he had any.

PGS

Ahem? What are you boys talking about?

BEAT.

Damien pulls a match from his pocket to lights it, but Brian whips it away from him.

brian

Stop doing that, man…

INT. CAFETERIA – NOON

Polly sits on her usual table, looking at something beyond her anxiously.

Zoe is sucking the sanity out of a man strapped to the table. It sort of sounds like a vacuum from hell.

She stops out of nowhere.

ZOE

What’s up Polly?

POLLY

H-Huh?

ZOE

You’re not eating or anything? I thought everybody ate here.

MIRANDA

(O.S.) That’s an easy mistake to make, eldtrich compatriot.

Miranda is sitting at this table as well, and also not eating.

MIRANDA

The people of this school have all manner of luncheon rituals. I for one, have the ritual of never luncheoning. Every nutrient I need to make my body function I absorb through the admiring gaze of my followers!

ZOE

That so! I guess I should throw you a few admiring gazes every once in a while, then, huh?

MIRANDA

Oh, please refrain. I’m on a diet.

ZOE

Smart move, you’d probably die if I gazed at you too long.

MIRANDA

What a peculiar power…

ZOE

Don’t worry about it, it’s just a nightmare god thing.

MIRANDA

My eldest sisters wield something similar, but in the opposite direction… (CLARIFYING) You die if you stare at them for too long.

ZOE

Oh? You’ve got sisters?

MIRANDA

Indeed! I have f--… _three_ , and they all love me dearly.

ZOE

That sounds nice…

Zoe looks back at the man strapped to the table. He’s muttering the words “kill me” over and over again.

ZOE

(SADLY) I wonder what that’s like…

POLLY

(SYMPATHETIC) Zoe…

Zoe interrupts Polly by sucking more of the guy’s soul. Polly recoils in fright. Zoe stops after a bit and licks her lips a little, savoring something.

ZOE

Huh! So _that’s_ what that’s like.

POLLY

That’s what… _what’s_ like—

ZOE

Familial love. I just sucked the familial love out of this guy. Well, it’s not like I suddenly get it now or anything, but… I do know what it tastes like! Which is basically the same, right?

MIRANDA

I would say so.

POLLY

I wouldn’t, exactly…

ZOE

What about you, Polly? Do _you_ have siblings?

POLLY

(HESITATING) I—… I don’t wanna answer that.

ZOE

Boooo. (GETTING UP) Well whatever, I’m gonna go walk around school with my new friend. See you girls later!

MIRANDA

Byeee!

POLLY

W-Wait, Zoe!

Zoe turns back around.

POLLY

I mean, I don’t wanna like, _pry_ or anything but…

ZOE

You wanna know why I’m here, right? Like why I’m going to your school and stuff?

POLLY

If that’s ok?

zoe

Hmmmmmmm nah.

POLLY

H-Huh…?

ZOE

I’m not gonna tell you. You didn’t tell me about your sibling, so there! I can keep secrets too!

POLLY

Well… as long as it doesn’t have anything to do with me, then—

ZOE

That’s not totally true. Honestly, I think if I tell you… you might try to stop me.

POLLY

Uh… Wh-What do you mean by—

The man strapped to the table shakes.

MAN

(PANTING) R-…Ru…Run—! Y-… You’re next--

Zoe’s tentacle reaches and coils around the man’s neck.

ZOE

Haha! Oh geez, I thought I slurped up all the sanity this guy had but… guess I left a drop of it somewhere if he can still form sentences. My bad!

POLLY

H-Hey… what was this guy about to say?

ZOE

(OMINOUS) I don’t know… your guess is as good as mine.

Zoe gives Polly another blank smile before turning back to the man and sucking every bit of emotion he ever had right out of him. Polly is truly unsettled.

INT. NURSE’S OFFICE – MEANWHILE

Brian, Scott, and Damien are in the Nurse’s office. All three have been sat down on one bed. Opposite them is the Nurse, who’s busy working on some documents, and the Principal.

PGS

I realize it might be a little too _late_ to have this conversation _now,_ but I feel like I have a responsibility to sit you three down to talk about… safe sex practices.

BEAT.

DAMIEN

I’m gonna fucking shoot myself.

PGS

Alright, that’s um--… psychological help is a little _outside_ my pay grade. Nurse? Do you have any input?

The nurse slowly puts down her documents and turns to the boys. She puts a finger between her eyes, and on her nose.

NURSE

Shoot here, you’ll have a higher chance of dying.

PGS

… That’s not the input I wanted.

BRIAN

Uhh, principal? If you’d allow me?

PGS

Ah yes! I’m guessing you were the father? Um… which one of you is pregnant again?

DAMIEN

(MUTTERING, FURIOUS) It’s _not_ ME…

BRIAN

None of us are pregnant, sir. We are just three regular, adult high schoolers at this very normal high school.

PGS

Oh, I see, then I suppose you’ve adopted?

BRIAN

Excuse me?

PGS

I swore I heard talk of you three having a child… I even heard a voice call you three “fathers”.

BRIAN

I can assure you that’s—

Suddenly, there’s a precise knock at the door.

CALCULESTER

(O.S., BEHIND DOOR) FATHERS?

PGS

Yes! That’s precisely the voice I heard!

The principal turns around and opens the door, to reveal Calculester – who has donned a “clever” “disguise”. The principal lets him in the room, which he wheels himself into.

CALCULESTER

SALUTATIONS – [Principal Giant Spider]. SALUTATIONS – [Nurse Chupacabra].

NURSE

Aww! What a cute little guy.

PGS

And so polite too! I wonder who he takes after?

SCOTT

He is kinda cute actually… I change my mind, I think I’ll be the pregnant one. 

DAMIEN

Well he _is_ a good boy like you…

Scott blushes, and Calculester :D < does this.

CALCULESTER

MANY THANKS, FATHER DAMIEN. I AM INDEED A GOOD, AND PROFUSELY ORGANIC, BOY.

DAMIEN

Yep! You’re— (REALIZING, SERIOUS) Oh shit.

BRIAN

D-Damien?

DAMIEN

(PANICKED) Uhhhh, PGS! Would you mind if we uh, went in the hallway for a bit? I just y’know… wanna talk to my little NON-ROBOTIC son real fast.

PGS

Yes, of course, that’s fine.

BRIAN

Damien, what’s—

DAMIEN

(FORCED) Come on Brian! Scott! Let’s go talk to our little boy! Right now.

Damien drags the boys and Calculester out of the nurse’s office.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS

Damien brings everyone farther and farther away, his friends in one hand and his “son” in the other. Brian shakes himself free, along with Scott. Damien notices and stops.

BRIAN

Damien! What’s going on?!

DAMIEN

(PANICKED) Ok, ok, good, good-- we’re alone? (CHECKING HALLWAY) We’re alone… Ok, so, I don’t know if you guys _noticed_ but we might be in really deep shit.

BRIAN

Deeper shit than birthing a sentient compu—?

DAMIEN

Shhhh! Don’t say that word!

BRIAN

(CONFUSED) Don’t say what…?

DAMIEN

(TENSE) The _C-_ word!

It suddenly hits Scott.

SCOTT

Ohhh no. This is _really_ , really bad.

Damien glances at Calculester before bringing the other boys in for a huddle.

DAMIEN

Brian, I know you don’t know this since you’re new but… Spooky high has some _fucked_ up stances on Roboracism.

BRIAN

On… _what?_

damien

They fuckin’ hate robots out here, dude.

scott

It’s true. As soon as a machine shows _any_ sentience, everybody grabs their torches and pitchforks and chases it out before throwing them down the mountain steps.

DAMIEN

If _anybody_ finds out that Calculester is a sentient machine, they’re gonna bust him up.

BRIAN

Jesus… good thing we were the ones to have him then, huh?

DAMIEN

(RELIEVED) Yeah, that’s a real good coincidence. Like seriously, if it was basically _anybody_ else, Calc would’ve been toast for _sure_ —

CALCULESTER

TOAST?

Damien, startled, turns to Calculester.

CALCULESTER

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE “TOAST”? WHAT SIMILARITY DO I ASSERT TO SLICED BREAD? EXPLAIN.

DAMIEN

Hey, Calc… you wouldn’t happen to have heard everything we said, did you?

CALCULESTER

I HAVE, INDEED, LOGGED EVERY WORD YOU’VE SPOKEN – BUT SINCE IT WAS SPOKEN IN HUSHED TONES I HAVE DISREGARDED THE INFORMATION, OUT OF – [Courtesy].

DAMIEN

… Calculester, this stuff’s important for you to know.

CALCULESTER

AFFIRMATIVE. PARSING AUDIO INFORMATION NOW:

BEAT.

Calculester goes from :), to :|, to :0.

CALCULESTER

GASP. MY LIFE IS IN DANGER.

SCOTT

(SERIOUS) It’s not.

Scott steps forward and puts a hand on Calculester’s Screen.

SCOTT

Your life’s not in danger. We’re gonna protect you. Right?

Brian and Damien nod. Calculester’s expression turns to :D.

BRIAN

Speaking of… where’d you find this stuff?

Brian points to Calculester’s clothing.

CALCULESTER

A LADY IN A BLUE SWEATER GAVE ME THESE CLOTHES. I ACCEPTED THEM, SO AS TO BE ACCEPTED BY MY PARENTS, WHO I DETECTED HAD RESERVATIONS ABOUT MY BIRTH, WHICH I ASSUME WAS DUE TO MY BEING A [Banned Word].

DAMIEN

… On one hand I feel bad we made you feel like you had to earn our acceptance, but… shit, Calc, this was a smart move.

brian

Yeah, they would’ve scrapped you. Good going, Calculester!

CALCULESTER

PARENTAL ACCEPTANCE ACQUIRED. PROCESSING JOY… PROCESSING JOY… PROCESSING JOY…

SCOTT

You alright buddy? That’s taking you a while.

CALCULESTER

APOLOGIES FATHER SCOTT. THERE IS A LOT OF JOY TO PROCESS.

BRIAN

Why is this guy so cute? We’re not letting anything happen to him, alright guys?

DAMIEN & SCOTT

Right!

BEAT.

SCOTT

So… what now?

INT. SPOOKY HIGH LIBRARY – LATER

The boys and Calculester are back in the library, in front of their entire class, who they’ve somehow convinced to come for a presentation. Brian clears his throat.

BRIAN

Ok, so basically… Me and Damien and Scott… had a kid. We collaborated… y’know, put our heads together and everything… and now we’re fathers. (POINTING TO CALCULESTER) This is the kid, he’s a nice little guy. Not only is he nice, but – fun fact - he’s also entirely organic. Not at all cybernetic in any way shape or form, this is a 100% pure bred child, of… three fathers. Triple father situation.

BEAT.

BRIAN

Any questions?

Literally everybody raises their hand.

BRIAN

Ok, that’s a lot of questions.

Scott has also raised his hand.

BRIAN

Scott, we don’t--… we give the _answers_ , we have to _answer_ them.

SCOTT

I don’t have a question I just want to add something.

BRIAN

Ok, man, go ahead…

Scott shuffles to the front.

SCOTT

Now! I know what you guys are all wondering. “ _Who_ was pregnant”! _Well_ —

BRIAN

(INTERRUPTING) Ok, Scott? No one wants to know who was pregnant, neither of us was actually pregnant. But like, we did discuss it for an obscene amount of time, so I don’t blame you for thinking it was important. Back to questions.

Brian points to Vicky, who had her hand raised.

VICKY

Uhh, excuse me? Who was pregnant??

BRIAN

Don’t worry about it, Vic. (POINTING TO LIAM) Liam?

LIAM

I’m sorry… My eyesight may be failing me, but that _thing_ you’re claiming as your child, isn’t that just a disguised library computer come to life through some kind of… magical virus, I’d wager?

The crowd gossips among themselves in response to this.

BRIAN

How astute of you Liam! The answer is no, our little boy is not that extremely specific thing that you for some reason “wagered” on.

LIAM

No, you say? Prove it then.

BRIAN

Excuse me?

The crowd flares up in excitement, acquiescing with Liam’s statement.

LIAM

Prove that your child is not a robot!

The crowd’s on their feet, yelling at the boys.

SCOTT

Uhhh, what do we do?? Guys??

DAMIEN

Alright, alright, ALRIGHT!

With a shout, everyone settles down.

DAMIEN

I don’t know _why_ we have to prove this shit just so Liam the hater can stop hating for one second of his hater life, but sure, let’s “Prove our child is not a robot”. Peh! What a joke. Here, you wanna see proof?

Damien points to Calculester’s hat.

DAMIEN

Boom! Look at my kid’s cool hat.

LIAM

I can’t lie, that’s a very cool hat.

DAMIEN

It’s the coolest hat you’ve ever seen, huh?!

LIAM

It ranks up there at least. What’s that got to do with—

DAMIEN

Liam, I know this is gonna be tough for you, but _think_ , for once. If my kid was, as you say, a “Disguised Library Computer” would he be able? To pull of a hat this sick, this dope, this FIERCE with half the amount of panache that he’s rocking it with? This style is _beyond_ robotics.

Liam thinks.

LIAM

You know what? I think you have a point!

The crowd murmurs in agreement.

DAMIEN

In FACT, I’ll take it one step further: prove to us that YOU’RE not a robot, “Liam”!

The crowd roars, egging Liam on.

LIAM

Well, obviously I’m not a robot since—

DAMIEN

Since _what,_ RAM Stoker? Where’s _your_ cool hat?

LIAM

It’s--!

Liam tries to find a hat on his head. It’s not there… he is hatless.

LIAM

It’s not there…!

Liam gets up… and falls to his knees.

LIAM

Is it true…?! Am I… a COMPUTER?!

The crowd murmurs around Liam. Liam looks down, dejected.

LIAM

(LOOKING AT HAND) Am I man… or machine?!

Liam’s man bun undoes itself in shame. Suddenly, from outside the crowd, Calculester appears. He shifts his expression to :) and places a flaccid, empty gloved hand on Liam’s head.

CALCULESTER

DO NOT DESPAIR, ORGANIC BRETHEREN. YOU, SAME AS I, ARE FLESH AND BLOOD BEINGS. CAPABLE OF SUCH ORGANIC ACTIVITY… LIKE INTAKING AIR THROUGH OUR ORAL OR NASAL CAVITY, AND EXHALING CABRON DIOXIDE THROUGH THE SAME OR ANOTHER CAVITY.

A tear comes to Liam’s eye.

LIAM

I do! I do that all the time!

CALCULESTER

AS DO I. AND SO, I HAVE COME TO YOUR AID: FATHERS? BRING THE GIFTS.

Brian, Scott and Damien reach behind them and grab piles upon piles of cool hats, one for everyone in class.

CALCULESTER

HATS. FOR EVERY ONE OF MY NEW ORGANIC FRIENDS.

Everyone cheers. Liam’s practically sobbing. The boys hand out the hats. Calculester seems happy. Once the library airs out, the boys take Calculester aside.

BRIAN

That went… well! Surprisingly well.

SCOTT

Good thing I suggested buying all those hats, huh?

BRIAN

How did you even convince us to do that… not that I’m not thankful. (TO DAMIEN) Damien deserves a medal for earlier, though. You really saved Calc, man.

DAMIEN

Ah, it was nothin’…

Damien pats Calculester a little. Damien gives the robot a pure smile.

DAMIEN

Least I could do for my kid, y’know. (TO BOYS) What do you guys think? We should show Calc around, maybe try to get him some friends. He shouldn’t just hang around his parents forever.

brian

Are you sure? It might be a little dangerous…

DAMIEN

Ah, it’ll be fine. We’ll be right there, right?

EXT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, OUTDOORS NEAR TREE – LATER

Cut to later, when Students are having their usual party near the big tree in the courtyard. Some students have set up couches to lounge outside, students such as Liam, Miranda, and Polly. Beside them is Calculester, who’s joined the party. After a beat of the four of them talking, Brian appears.

LIAM

Aha! Brian, what a pleasure seeing you!

BRIAN

Likewise, Liam. (TO POLLY AND MIRANDA) So Liam’s drunk off his ass?

POLLY

Dude, he’s schwasted!

BRIAN

Figured, it wouldn't be a "pleasure" seeing anyone for him otherwise.

LIAM

(DRUNK) How kind of you to join us. We were just discussing with Calculester over here about what makes, in his words, “The most fulfilling organic life”. I had actually just finished explaining the very LONG list of avant-garde activities I usually partake in just before you came here. My apologies, Brian.

BRIAN

Yeah, what a loss.

MIRANDA

The perfect life… what a concept! As a member of Mer-royalty, my life is already wholly perfect. I am entirely satisfied _and_ fulfilled by the hobbies I’ve cultivated, like collecting silverware, or spectating water polo matches, or planning public executions…

BRIAN

I guess since you’re a princess you don’t have to worry about stuff like we do. Must be nice…

MIRANDA

Why yes, it is! Thank you for appreciating my immense privilege. That said… If I were permitted to complain just a _little_ , I’d be happy if I found love sometime soon.

CALCULESTER

LOVE?

MIRANDA

Are you not acquainted? Love is what gives life meaning, you know.

CALCULESTER

LOVE… IS MEANING?

MIRANDA

Indubitably! There’s no greater joy in life than being swept off your feet by a gallant prince…

Miranda sighs, dreamily.

MIRANDA

If only I knew any…

CALCULESTER

CEASE YOUR SIGHING, FRIEND MIRANDA. A GALLANT PRINCE IS SURE TO COME FOR YOU – MY CALCULATIONS HAVE DEEMED YOUR VISAGE TO FOLLOW MATHEMATICAL MODELS FOR IDEAL BEAUTY AT A PROXIMITY OF 96.7%. THIS STAGGERING COMELINESS IS SURE TO ATTRACT A MALE OF HIGH VALUE.

MIRANDA

(BLUSHING) C-Calculester…! How kind of you! Please feel free to compliment me at any opportunity.

POLLY

The perfect life…

Polly, who’s already more than a little drunk, grabs an unopened bottle of vodka and opens it with her bare hands, before taking a long swig of it.

POLLY

For me, It’d probably be… partying whenever I want, getting high whenever I please and having sex whenever I desire. (SOUR) Which is exactly why my life’s been so shitty recently…

MIRANDA

Polina…

calculester

FRIEND POLLY. PLEASE, ENLIGHTEN US FURTHER ON YOUR WOES, SO THAT WE MAY EMPATHIZE, AND PROVIDE COMFORT.

POLLY

It’s just… Ugh, Ever since this guy Oz showed up, my life’s just skid off the rails…

BRIAN

Oz, again… Liam you told me about him, right?

LIAM

Indeed. I’ve been trying to find him to recruit him for my play, but he hasn’t come to school in days… whatever happened to him?

Polly takes a long swig.

POLLY

He’s dead.

The group falls silent for a beat. Miranda seems especially shaken.

MIRANDA

He’s… _what…?_

LIAM

So that’s what ended up happening… The petrification was slower on me, but I couldn’t catch how that situation resolved…

MIRANDA

(PANICKED) Polly… Polly, please explain. Explain immediately!

POLLY

You wanna know what killed Oz? That totem we bought did it. It’s our fault.

MIRANDA

(SHOCKED) You couldn’t mean…

POLLY

That day we went to the auditorium, right? And you can’t remember anything from then, can you?

MIRANDA

Y-Yes…

POLLY

After we went, that monster showed up. The one we were calling a pet all day… it showed up and (SNAPPING FINGERS) Like that. It petrified everyone except me. It would’ve probably done the same to everyone at school… But then, Oz showed up to talk it down…

Polly pauses.

POLLY

And then it ate him.

Polly stares down at the already half empty bottle.

POLLY

… Isn’t that crazy? The only person who stuck by that monster until the very end, and _that’s_ the guy it chooses to kill. Doesn’t that just tear you up? That that guy died in vain because of some stupid prank we did?

Miranda takes this in, clearly deeply regretful. More than that, there’s a swirl of emotions going on in her head and it’s obvious. However, she cuts through those feelings to ask one question:

MIRANDA

Polly… you were the only person who knew Oz’ true fate. Even the teachers are clueless, they only ever said he was gone due to illness… That must’ve been you, right? Is that what you told them?

Polly says nothing. Miranda puts a hand on Polly.

MIRANDA

Polly… Why didn’t you tell anyone he was dead?

As soon as the words escape Miranda’s mouth, Miranda stumbles forward. Her hand phases right through Polly. Polly, for her part, is giving off a cold, deathly silence. At least, until:

ZOE

(O.S.) I know why.

Zoe appears, standing above Polly. She looks down at her, face cast in shadow. The only thing piercing through are those ceaseless voids she has for eyes.

ZOE

It’s because you don’t think he’s really dead… do you?

Polly’s face drops.

POLLY

(EYES WIDE) How do you—?!

Zoe gives Polly a blank, almost mocking, grin.

ZOE

I’m sorry to say but… Oz is really and truly dead. He will never come back… not as long as I’m around. (EMOTIONLESS) Nothing you do will _ever_ change that.

… this sets off Polly.

POLLY

That so…

Polly grips her Vodka bottle, hard.

POLLY

(FURIOUS) Then I guess I gotta get RID OF YOU, DON’T I?!

As Polly lets the words spill, she swings the bottle hard against Zoe. She swings it so hard, in fact, that it shatters on impact. Glass flies everywhere, as Liam and Miranda jump from their seats and away from the girls, the latter of which screaming from the sudden violence. All the students around them spread out as the altercation continues. Brian jumps up towards Calculester.

Zoe stands, unperturbed, before the incensed Polly. Polly fiddles with the broken bottle in her hand as she gets up from her seat.

ZOE

Polly, I know you’re drunk but this is ridiculous. You’re _really_ gonna swing a _bottle_ at a _God—_

Polly interrupts Zoe’s spiel by swinging a bottle at a god. She brings down the bottle on her head and sends Zoe to the ground with the force. As she does, Polly jumps on Zoe and strikes her with absolutely zero restraint.

MIRANDA

P-POLLY!

Zoe, still unperturbed, even though the hits are certainly connecting, gets just a tad serious and extends her tentacle, wrapping it around Polly’s neck. Polly laughs at this attempt.

POLLY

H-Haha! What are you doing?! I don’t _breathe,_ dumbass!

ZOE

Yeah? And what do you think I _eat_ , dummy?

Polly suddenly starts gasping. This attack is starting to do real damage. Polly’s form crackles and fumes. Zoe gets up and spits what appears to be blood on the ground.

ZOE

Heheh! Man, I’ve always wanted to do that! The little blood spit thing? Was that cool or what?! Ah… anyway—

Zoe chucks Polly through the couch – which she fazes through – and onto a table – which she most certainly crashes right on, breaking it on impact. 

Zoe calmly jumps over the couch and crouches onto Polly, just as Polly had on her a few moments ago. Polly gasps and holds her neck.

ZOE

Now Polly, why don’t we take this opportunity to calm down--

Polly spits in Zoe’s face.

ZOE

Or not. Let’s see, how many times did you hit me again? Ahh, let’s just round it up to 10, that sound fair?

Zoe punches Polly.

ZOE

That’s one!

Zoe continues to punch Polly. Drunk people beside them have gotten into a fighting mood due to the proximity and begun brawling randomly. Eventually, all these fights embroil into a full crowd of people scrapping.

The party’s officially become a madhouse. Liam’s hiding… Miranda observes the chaos, and obviously wants to do something but is too terrified to move. Momentarily, her gaze turns to Calculester. Calculester…

BRIAN

A-Alright, Calc? Let’s just head out, this doesn’t have to be our business--

Calculester doesn’t budge.

BRIAN

Calc…?

CALCULESTER

MY APOLOGIES, FATHER BRIAN… PLEASE FORGIVE MY FOOLISHNESS.

Calculester moves forward, determined.

Cutting back to where Zoe and and Polly are fighting, Zoe’s about to hit Polly one last time but as she does, a shadow casts over both of them. A blocky, rectangular shadow.

POLLY

C-Calculester…?!

Calculester connects to a very conveniently placed karaoke machine and jacks the volume all the way up.

CALCULESTER

(AMPLIFIED) EGADS!

Calculester’s voice reverberates across the whole crowd. Everyone stops to stare in disbelief at him, most of all Brian.

Calculester has removed his disguise, exposing himself as a robot.

CALCULESTER

IT APPEARS MY DISGUISE HAS BEEN REMOVED! ALAS, EVERYONE WILL NOW SEE THAT I AM A ROBOT! WHAT AN UNFORSEEN, AND EXTREMELY UNWANTED TURN OF EVENTS!

Everyone in the crowd who was just fighting stares at Calculester for a while… before shrugging and grabbing torches and pitchforks. The crowd then, in an instant, turns into a mob of angry roboracists, converging on Calculester. As they approach Calculester, Zoe stumbles forward. Polly’s gone, she escaped while Zoe was distracted. Zoe looks down at where Polly used to be, and to the outdoor bathroom in the distance. She gets up, ready to head over there, but someone tugs on her sleeve. Miranda, stricken with sorrow, tries feebly to hold Zoe back. Zoe looks at Miranda regretfully before freeing herself.

ZOE

I’m sorry Miranda. I have to. We _have_ to settle this.

Zoe runs off. Miranda stumbles to the ground, at a loss.

ACT THREE

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, HALLWAYS – EVENING

Brian, pushing Calculester on an office chair, speeds through the hallways. The reason: an angry mob of roboracists is chasing him down.

Brian looks behind him momentarily to assess the distance as he approaches a diverging path, which he takes. The angry mob following him takes it too, running ahead in the hallway.

After a beat though, we angle on a locker in the path the mob took, right after the turn, which opens slowly revealing Brian and Calculester hidden inside. Brian stumbles out, cradling the robot.

BRIAN

(BREATHING HEAVILY) Calc… you know I love you… but why the _hell_ did you do that?!

Damien and Scott turn the corner and stop, finding Brian and the robot. Damien is doubled over, wheezing hard. Even Scott is a little winded.

DAMIEN

(PANTING) Brian… How much can you _run_ man?!

BRIAN

Nowhere _near_ as much as I used to, I’ll tell you that much… I guess my lungs took a hit after the whole death thing…

SCOTT

Brian, you GOTTA join the football team, man! We need a guy like you!

BRIAN

Uhh… I don’t know, man…

SCOTT

_Pleeeeeease?_

BRIAN

(CONCEDING) … if you can get us out of this mess, I’ll join whatever you want, Scott.

DAMIEN

Speaking of…

Damien turns his attention to Calculester, and crouches in front of him. Calculester smiles :D upon seeing him.

CALCULESTER

HELLO, FATHER DAMIEN—

Damien flicks Calculester’s screen. Calculester does DX in response.

CALCULESTER

PAIN.

DAMIEN

You’ve got a LOT of explaining to do, young man! We told you over and over, don’t EVER tell anybody you’re a robot! Do you realize the kind of trouble you’re in?! You’ll DIE if they find you!

Calculester :( frowns.

CALCULESTER

I REALIZE I OWE YOU THREE AN APOLOGY… MY ACTIONS HAVE SQUANDERED YOUR HARD WORK, AND INVARIABLY HURT YOUR REPUTATIONS.

SCOTT

It’s not about _us_ , Calculester! We’re worried about what’ll happen to _you_ —

CALCULESTER

THAT IS OF LITTLE IMPORT.

DAMIEN

Wha…?

BRIAN

I figured it was something like that… you did this on purpose, didn’t you?

damien

Are you serious?! Why would he—

BRIAN

Zoe and Polly started fighting. Soon enough everyone at the party just started duking it out…

CALCULESTER

I AM BUT A ROBOT. INTERPRETING SUBTEXT IS ENTIRELY BEYOND MY CAPABILITIES. BUT IF I _WERE_ TO INTERPRET SUBTEXT…

Calculester’s screen displays what it saw while Zoe and Polly were beating eachother up. Miranda’s looking straight at Calculester, pleading.

CALCULESTER

I BELIEVE THIS MEANS “PLEASE HELP” … DOES IT NOT?

The boys are taken aback. Damien lights a cigarette.

CALCULESTER

FRIEND MIRANDA HAS CLAIMED FRIENDSHIP WITH ME. THEREFORE, AIDING THIS FRIEND AT ALL COSTS IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

DAMIEN

Man… what did we ever do to deserve a kid like you?

At that exact moment though, flashlights light upon the backs of the three boys. They turn around to see the angry mob, right in front of them.

???

(O.S.) I can hardly believe it!

A member of the mob steps forward: a wrinkly, ancient looking mummy/snail hybrid with the thickest glasses you’ve ever seen.

LIBRARIAN

I’m finally back from my lunch break and THIS is what I come back to?! Students harboring ROBOTS?!

The angry mob raises its pitchforks and torches in defiance.

BEAT.

Damien tries to grab a match to light it, but he’s got no more.

DAMIEN

Are you fuckin’ kidding me…?!

BRIAN

See? This is exactly why I said you had to cut that shit out!

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, BATHROOM – MEANWHILE

Zoe rushes up to the Bathroom and swings the door open. What she sees inside gives her pause.

Polly sits on the floor against the bathroom wall. She’s looking down with a vacuous expression, just chugging alcohol in a homemade bottle. Polly finally notices Zoe, and glares at her before getting up.

ZOE

… Polly, I know you’re not going to believe me, but I don’t want it to be this way.

Polly grips the wine bottle by the neck.

POLLY

That’s funny… why’d you kill him, then?

ZOE

You wanna know why?

Polly scowls. Zoe looks directly in Polly’s eyes, and without a hint of emotion:

ZOE

Because I was hungry.

The sound of glass breaking from Polly’s wine bottle hitting the ground rings out throughout the bathroom. Polly didn’t drop this bottle however… her fist is clenched tightly. It’s clear the wine bottle just slipped through her – her corporeality waning due to her extreme emotional state. Polly rushes toward Zoe, enraged.

ZOE

(MUTTERING) Here we go…

Polly hits Zoe hard enough to send her stumbling toward the stalls. Polly moves to strike her again, but Zoe dodges and whips her with a tentacle, which sends Polly careening to the sinks. The two stare each other down before rushing toward one another once more.

EXT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, QUAD, NEAR STAIRS – A LITTLE LATER

Brian, Damien and Scott are struck against the ground, their hands bound against their backs, as Calculester is placed just a few meters away from the stairs leading up to Spooky High. The angry mob of roboracists encircles the group menacingly. Suddenly, members of the mob step forward to face the boys. As they do, the mob quiets down and Scott brightens up a little.

SCOTT

Oh, hey guys!

The wolfpack, front ended by their leader, Scott’s closest biological cousin, stand above the tied-up trio and the robot, with mocking expressions.

SCOTT’S COUSIN

Scott, Scott, Scott… what are we gonna do with you?

The other members of the wolfpack jeer and howl.

SCOTT’S COUSIN

I always knew it would come down to this one day. You may be on the football team, but there’s no getting rid of the serious NERD vibe you’ve got.

SCOTT

Huh? What are you talking about, untie us and stuff! Please?

SCOTT’S COUSIN

(SNAPPING) I’m talking about how LAME it is that the team’s QUARTERBACK – the guy who’s supposed to have the most ALPHA MALE ENERGY of everyone at this school – is some pansy who plays pokemans go and tries to get along with everyone all day! We’ve been looking for a way to kick you out for YEARS! And _this?_

Scott’s cousin points to Calculester.

SCOTT’S COUSIN

 _This_ is the perfect excuse.

The wolfpack cackles.

SCOTT’S COUSIN

Hey, calcu _loser_. What are you, some kind of lame library computer or something?!

CALCULESTER

IT SEEMS YOU’VE MISSPOKEN. MY NAME IS CALCULESTER, FELLOW FRIENDS.

SCOTT’S COUSIN

Yeah, I don’t care, _Dork_ ulester. We don’t like your kind here at Spooky High… Every one of us is a proud robo racist!

Everyone in the crowd acquiesces to this statement, including the ancient librarian, who shakes her pitchfork vigorously.

SCOTT’S COUSIN

In just a second, We’ll take you and throw you down the INCREDIBLY long staircase that leads up here, just as we’ve done with EVERY robot that snuck in before you. Do you understand? There’s no way a feeble machine like you could withstand falling down 237 steps!

brian

Jesus Christ, it’s that many?!

DAMIEN

He counted…?

SCOTT’S COUSIN

Shut up losers! (TO CALCULESTER) Your days of sentience are finished, (TRAILING OFF) Calcu… Calcul… Uhh…

Scott’s cousin looks to the wolfpack beside him for ideas.

SCOTT’S COUSIN

C-… Calcul _idiot_! Y-Yeah! Awesome!

The wolfpack high fives each other.

SCOTT’S COUSIN

(THREATENING) So! Any last words…?

CALCULESTER

PROCESSING RESPONSE…

Everything is still for a tense moment. Everyone stares at Calculester, awaiting his answer.

Eventually Calculester stops processing.

CALCULESTER

LAST WORDS PROCESSED:

Calculester changes his screen to 8==D.

calculester

SUCK MY PENIS EMOJI, BIGOTS.

The crowd erupts in rage at the taunt. Brian, Scott and Damien cheer.

DAMIEN

Hahaha! That’s my boy!

Damien nods at Scott and Brian. The boys nod back.

SCOTT’S COUSIN

THAT’S IT! GET READY TO GET YOUR HARD DISK DEFRAGGED INTO PIECES-

Damien flips his tongue over and spits out: a match. He strikes the match against the cobblestone path below him before flipping over and spitting it at the ropes binding Scott’s hands. The ropes – which must’ve been super cheap – catch ablaze immediately. As soon as his hands are free, he gets up and charges toward Calculester, standing between him and the mob, protecting him. Scott scowls, determined.

This gives the mob pause. They look at each other in confusion for a moment and back at Scott who stands with his chest out.

BEAT.

SCOTT

… Guys? What do I do now?

Everyone stares at Scott with wide eyes, the widest belonging to Damien and Brian.

BRIAN

Scott, did you not think of anything this whole time?! I thought we were all on the same page here!

SCOTT

Honestly, I kind of assumed Damien would free Brian and he’d like… run in and grab Calculester or something. Maybe rush him down the steps and try to lose the mob?

DAMIEN

… Scott, if you could imagine Brian doing that, why didn’t _you_ do it?

BEAT.

SCOTT

O-Oh! Haha, man you’re right! I totally should’ve done that. Geez, what a goof… (TO MOB) Hey, can I start over? Let’s just go back to where we were before, I know what to do now.

The mob… marches toward Scott and Calculester menacingly.

SCOTT

U-Uh… guys?!

Scott steps backwards… the stairs are right there! He panics, until he turns to his side… and sees Calculester. Something in Calculester gives him courage. Scott dons his determined scowl once again steps forward, facing the crowd. As they’re right upon him—

Everyone stops dead in their tracks. The mob freezes… the boys can’t move but they’d be frozen if they could. Everyone’s looking at Scott.

And his awful, awful dance moves. Scott’s doing the robot, and he’s not especially good at it.

SCOTT’S COUSIN

Scott.

Scott keeps dancing.

SCOTT’S COUSIN

Scott… what the hell are you doing, man?

SCOTT

(DANCING) I’m dancing the robot!

BRIAN

Is that what that is…?

SCOTT’S COUSIN

Dude… You suck, bro, stop it.

SCOTT

Oh really? Do I suck? I’m better than _you_ though.

Scott does the broken-arm robot thing. It’s barely passable.

SCOTT’S COUSIN

What did you say?! (TO WOLFPACK) Archibald! Put a beat on… I gotta serve my cousin.

A wolf grabs a boombox – they had one – and puts on some sick dubstep. Scott’s cousin starts doing the robot – holy shit he’s awesome at it. Like seriously, this guy is on another level.

He finishes the dance and it’s obvious Scott got served.

SCOTT’S COUSIN

How’s that, Scott?! I’m way better at this than you, bro!

SCOTT

You’re right, bro, you’re really good.

SCOTT’S COUSIN

Right?! I am good…!

Scott’s cousin trails off and starts panicking a little.

SCOTT’S COUSIN

M-Maybe _too_ good…

SCOTT

I’m sorry bro… but could you be—

SCOTT’S COUSIN

(FREAKING OUT) Am I a robot?!

SCOTT

YES.

Scott’s cousin yells, hysterical. The mob buys it, they’re torn between Scott’s cousin and Calculester. Scott’s cousin, defeated, falls to the ground.

SCOTT’S COUSIN

I’m sorry Scott… I’m sorry Calculester… I can’t believe after all this time of being MEGA roboracist I was the robot all along! My AI, it was too good! DAMNIT, I SHOULD’VE KNOWN! I’m WAY too smart to not be a robot!

SCOTT

Exactly, bro. Exactly.

SCOTT’S COUSIN

(CRYING) How could I persecute the robot… when I myself, am a robot? (RESOLUTE) I have no choice… I have to throw myself down the mountain steps.

Scott’s cousin gets up to seemingly jump down some stairs, which Damien secretly wants to let happen, but Scott grabs his arm before he has the chance.

SCOTT’S COUSIN

Let me GO bro!! I have to make this right!

SCOTT

You think killing yourself will make this right?!

SCOTT’S COUSIN

Bro…

SCOTT

You’re my COUSIN, bro! Who gives a crap if you’re a robot! (TO MOB) Who gives a crap if ANYONE’S a robot! Calculester has done nothing wrong – not to us, not to my bros, not to anyone here! In such a short time, this darling soul became one of us! And now we want to throw him away?! NO!

Scott steps on top of a very conveniently placed soapbox.

SCOTT

When I became a father this morning… I was blind. All I saw was who we were on the _outside_. But after caring for Calculester, I’ve come to learn some things about the world that I think you ALL ought to pay attention to! Race, creed, class, NONE of these things matter!

Scott pauses. The mob seems to really be taking this message in.

SCOTT

You want to know the truth? Calculester revealed he was a robot to everyone on PURPOSE!

The mob vocalizes confusion.

SCOTT

He did it because we were fighting. Calculester saw two of his friends fight… he saw the fight escalate, and he saw someone ask him for help, and you know what he did? He put his own life in danger by diverting all of our hatred onto him. Can you believe that? He was ready to sacrifice his _life_! He didn’t hesitate!

The crowd expresses their surprise.

SCOTT

Calculester may have been born this morning… but he understood the key to life faster than anyone else here. Loving one another… trust… Calculester may be a robot, but he’s the most good-natured out of anyone I know. If we kill him… We’ll be the real robots.

The crowd contemplates these words… and one by one, drop their torches and pitchforks. Brian and Damien beam as their son’s life is saved. Scott sighs deeply and pets Calculester. He’s safe.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL BATHROOM – MEANWHILE

Returning to the bathroom, Polly and Zoe are still fighting, but they’re noticeably more tired. Polly pants while holding onto a wall, as Zoe wobbles on her feet.

ZOE

(PANTING) That… that all you got…?!

POLLY

(WHEEZING) Shut up…

ZOE

Oh, I can go all day! Come on!

POLLY

(SNAPPING) I said SHUT UP!

Polly’s knees give out and she falls to the ground.

POLLY

You don’t have to pretend… I know you’re fine.

Zoe rolls her eyes and immediately stops wobbling. She’s totally fine. Zoe has sustained absolutely zero damage this whole time. She crouches down next to Polly, who’s deeply exhausted.

ZOE

When did you realize?

POLLY

I don’t know… Immediately?

ZOE

Then… why did you keep fighting me?

POLLY

I don’t know, I just…

Polly’s expression turns to deep sorrow.

POLLY

I just had to. I had to do it so I could feel better about myself. So, I could feel like… After everything I regretted about how Oz went away, I had it in me to protect the things I cared about. Like… if you destroy this school, and kill all my friends, I’ll have at least _tried_ to stop you… you know?

ZOE

Polly… I know why you’re scared of me. Honestly, I am too. But… why do you think I want to _kill_ your friends?

POLLY

Uh… Because that’s what you tried to do last time? Isn’t that what you’re back here for, I thought you’d at least try to kill me and Miranda, we abandoned you! We… We treated you badly!

Zoe chuckles for a while. Eventually she stops once she sees Polly’s expression.

ZOE

Wait, you’re serious?

POLLY

Wh-What do you mean? Yes, I’m serious! Don’t you hate me?!

ZOE

No! I don’t hate you at all, I thought _you_ had a bone to pick with _me_!

POLLY

I mean, a _little_ but… I’m more so mad at _myself_ , honestly… (REALIZING) Wait… then what was all that? We fought that whole time- I thought you were out for blood!

ZOE

(WORRIED) Oh, man… Oh, geez…

POLLY

What, what’s wrong?

ZOE

Uh… I don’t know about you but I’m kinda getting the feeling this whole thing was totally avoidable.

POLLY

… Seriously?

ZOE

Yeah, we really should’ve like… talked. Before, y’know… The punchies.

Polly sighs and shakes her head.

ZOE

Polly… I’m not _sure_ how much you’ll believe me… but I don’t hold anything against you. There’s not an ounce of hate in my heart. I have zero – and I mean absolutely ZERO – intention to hurt you, your friends, this school, or your world.

POLLY

You mean that?

ZOE

Hand to god. Well… hand to _me,_ heheh…

POLLY

(RELIEVED) Oh my god…

Polly looks as though a weight has been taken off her shoulders. After a moment, she starts chuckling.

POLLY

Man, I am such a dumbass… (CONFUSED) Well wait, hold on. You can’t blame me for getting an impression, you were MEGA creepy all day, dude.

ZOE

(SHOCKED) Wait, really?!

POLLY

Uhhhh, yes? Like the thing with the watch, you just threw up Oz’ watch at my feet and said “I couldn’t digest all of him”- that’s SO creepy!

ZOE

It is?!

POLLY

It IS!!

zoe

(EMBARASSED) Oh no… I thought that’d be funny!

POLLY

Wh-what?!

ZOE

Yeah, like a joke!

POLLY

What’s the joke? Like, where’s the punchline?

ZOE

No, see it’s like… Ok, full disclosure I don’t actually know. Jokes are pretty new to me…

Polly facepalms.

ZOE

H-Hey! That’s mean, I’m really trying, alright? People stuff is hard…

Polly smiles at Zoe a little.

POLLY

Then… what about this one? I asked you “what you were doing here” and you said you didn’t want to tell me since you thought “I’d stop you”. That’s for sure a threat, I don’t know how else I was meant to interpret that.

Zoe looks to the ground, sadly.

ZOE

Well… It’s not like I wasn’t right… you _did_ try to stop me.

Zoe looks up, sorrow in her eyes.

ZOE

I came here to make friends, and… you beat me up.

POLLY

Friends…?

ZOE

After I broke out of the totem, I lived in the mountains for a while… Some stuff happened and I decided I wanted to learn what it was like living as a regular person. So, I came here… because I…

What appears to be tears well up in Zoe’s eyes.

ZOE

(CRYING) I loved you guys.

Zoe starts crying.

ZOE

(CRYING) I really loved you guys! I wanted to go on walks and have picnics again!

Regret comes over Polly as she sits up and tries to comfort Zoe.

ZOE

(SOBBING) Hic…! I didn’t want to beat you up! I just wanted to see you guys again…!

POLLY

Zoe, I…

The door to the bathroom swings open. Polly looks, to find Miranda standing in the doorway, tears in her eyes.

POLLY

(SURPRISED) M-Miri--!

Miranda walks over and bonks Polly on the head.

POLLY

Ow!

Miranda then crouches down next to Zoe and hugs her tight. Polly looks at the two, deeply regretful… before Miranda pulls her in and makes her hug Zoe too.

MIRANDA

Zoe? We’re sorry.

POLLY

I’m sorry.

zoe

(CRYING, SHY) Its ok…

MIRANDA

I’m sorry we were bad owners. But we’re not your owners anymore. We’re your friends, and we love you. Alright?

POLLY

Yeah… I don’t know if I have the right to say that but—

MIRANDA

Polly, stop it.

POLLY

… I love you, Zoe.

ZOE

(RELIEVED) Thanks… I love you guys too.

Suddenly, Zoe shoots her head up, knocking Miranda aside a little.

MIRANDA

Ow! What’s wrong, Zoe?

ZOE

Holy smokes… I just said that, and I _meant_ it!

POLLY

Uhh, well I was _hoping_ you meant it…

ZOE

No, no, no it’s not that… Ok, there’s a lot I gotta explain… But it’s getting kinda late-- Aghh! Alright, alright, how about this: I just had an epiphany, and that epiphany… _might_ help us resurrect Oz.

POLLY

Wait-- SERIOUSLY?!

MIRANDA

I don’t understand, is Oz alive or dead?!

ZOE

If it’s the way I think, technically both? There’s a bunch of stuff I gotta make sure of first-- sorry, rain check on this?

Zoe storms off, deep in thought.

POLLY

H-Hey wait!!

Miranda motions for Polly to let her go, while smiling at her. Polly smiles back.

MIRANDA

(SMILING) I think I stepped on glass.

Polly’s smile drops.

POST-CREDITS

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, FRONT GATE – NEXT MORNING

Students are cleaning up the party/race war that happened in the quad the previous night. Brian, Scott, and Damien are sitting on the steps leading up to the doors of the school.

BRIAN

We did good… right, guys?

DAMIEN

Man… I don’t wanna think about that right now.

BRIAN

We did our best, didn’t we? We did everything we could.

DAMIEN

No clue.

SCOTT

I mean… _I_ think we did…

BRIAN

Then… why isn’t Calculester with us right now?

Damien puffs out cigarette smoke.

DAMIEN

See, that’s exactly what I didn’t want to talk about. That _fuckin’_ librarian…

BRIAN

It’s not fair… Even after everything we did, we still lost.

damien

Like anyone’s gonna miss ONE fucking computer being gone. Now because “we need to have at least 10 computers in the library to qualify for a ‘Teaching with Tech’ grant” Calculester can’t be with us anymore?

Damien goes back to his cigarette.

DAMIEN

Roboracist bitch…

SCOTT

You know… I read the newspaper today. First time ever. Vera showed me an article they printed… it had my picture in it. Someone wrote down everything I said and printed it… about robots and peace and stuff.

BRIAN

Really? Well they should’ve, that was a great message.

DAMIEN

Yeah, man… I didn’t know you had it in you.

SCOTT

Me neither, honestly… I guess I just… wanted to protect my kid.

The boys look off in the distance for a beat. After a while, Damien puts his face in his hand.

BRIAN

We all really loved him.

Damien’s shaking.

BRIAN

Hey… stop cryin’ man.

Damien keeps trembling. Scott extends a hand and pats Damien’s back.

SCOTT

You’re gonna be ok…

Scott says this… but he’s also crying. He sniffs a little.

SCOTT

We’re gonna be ok, right…?

BRIAN

We’re gonna be ok.

Damien has both his hands on his face, sobbing. Brian is crying as well.

BRIAN

He really _was_ our kid… He had Scott’s kindness… he had Damien’s bravery…

SCOTT

He had your wits too, Brian.

BRIAN

When you really think about it… It was all _three_ of us who were pregnant.

Scott nods through tears.

SCOTT

You’re right. We were all pregnant.

BEAT.

Valerie just heard Scott say that with no context.

VALERIE

Wh-… _what??_ What the hell happened to you guys?!

The three boys turn around, and face Valerie with silent, crying faces.

VALERIE

(TAKEN ABACK) W-Woah… no, seriously, what happened?

DAMIEN

Pain.

BRIAN

A pain we three were too young to experience…

Valerie sighs, seemingly sympathetic to the boys, and steps forward, handing a small box to Brian.

VALERIE

Here.

BRIAN

What’s this?

VALERIE

It’s the most I could do for you. You said you wanted a “benefit” right? This is it.

Valerie walks down the steps, toward the people cleaning the yard.

VALERIE

(LEAVING) Don’t say I never gave you anything, Brian!

Valerie waves at Brian as she goes.

The boys open the box. As soon as they see what’s inside… their sorrowful faces fade as they see a small glimmer of hope.

Inside the box lied a worn, purple floppy disk.

FADE OUT:

THE END


	11. The Girls Watch Inside Out (2015)

FADE IN:

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CAFETERIA – NOON

The girls – meaning Zoe, Miranda, Polly and Vicky – sit around a table.

ZOE

(WHISPERING) Ok, like we practiced- (BOISTEROUS) Ladies?! Assemble!

Miranda strikes a flamboyant pose.

MIRANDA

(LOUD) Perfect Pink Ranger – Present!!

Polly’s on her phone, legs on the table, totally relaxed.

POLLY

Sexy Cyan Ranger – Present!~

Vicky sips some cola through a straw, caught off guard by her turn coming up.

VICKY

(SHY) Uh… thankful to even be invited… Blue Ranger, present?

MIRANDA

Vicky… it’s “Bashful Blue”. Pay attention to the alliteration.

vicky

Oh hey, that rhymed…

MIRANDA

Barely…

Zoe whips around and strikes an anime pose.

ZOE

Monstrous Mauve Ranger – Present and accounted for!

POLLY

“Mauve”?

ZOE

Well I didn’t wanna do ‘Purple’, since that’s a P word, Miranda already had ‘P’ and stuff.

Zoe slams her hand and tentacle on the table.

ZOE

We’re all here! Thank you for coming! It’s finally time to talk about what I’ve dubbed the “Oz Resurrection Plan”!

POLLY

Finally! You really left us hanging last time.

VICKY

Oz, you mean the guy who said he was a ghost last month, right? What happened to him?

POLLY

He’s dead.

MIRANDA

For _now._

VICKY

He’s DEAD?!

MIRANDA

For _now!_

vicky

(ASTONISHED) Holy crap, I thought he was just absent—

POLLY

Yeah yeah, we already did this reveal we don’t need you to go over it again.

MIRANDA

Indeed, Vicky, keep up a little, would you?

VICKY

S-… Sorry?

ZOE

Girls, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that it’s 50/50 that Oz can be resurrected. The good news is that it’s entirely up to us to bring him back to life!

POLLY

So, if we mess up, he’s fucked. That’s _good_ news?

ZOE

Well, agency’s always nice to have, right? (CLEARING THROAT) Alright, everybody buckle up because I’m about to dump some INSANE exposition right now. And before you ask, yes, this exposition is mandated by a trained master, which is why Miranda needs to be here.

MIRANDA

I have my Masters in Exposition here in case the police asks.

Miranda pulls a degree from her bag and places it on the table.

ZOE

The first thing we need to go over is this:

Zoe reaches back and grabs a whiteboard from literally nowhere. She writes the words she speaks.

ZOE

“What is… a… God.” Capital G. (TO GIRLS) Now, as I’m sure you’re keenly aware, I am a God. Nice to meet you. Not only that, there are a BUNCH of Gods who, much like people, are all _very_ different from one another. One of those differences – the one most relevant to us right now – is this:

Zoe draws a two-sided arrow on the board, and writes above it:

ZOE

“Sentience.” I know on a lot of worlds people tend to have the idea that if there’s a God, he’s always this all-knowing, all-seeing, all-capable sky daddy slash epic genius, but that’s just not true. Case in point! A lot of Gods are total idiots.

Vicky raises her hand. Incidentally, she has glasses on and is taking notes.

ZOE

(MOTIONING TO VICKY) Vicky?

VICKY

So you’re implying there are Gods out there who… _aren’t_ sentient?

ZOE

Right! Exactly. Stuff like… reason, consciousness, etcetera, that stuff can differ _wildly_ from God to God. I know that sounds backwards, since in order to even be classified as a God your cognitive capabilities need to be lightyears ahead of mortal beings, and even the least sentient God has a brain that could dwarf all mortals’ singlehandedly, but it’s true. Sentience for a God is less about _having_ and more about being able to _use_ what you have. Like, it’s totally possible for there to be a God with the awareness of a tadpole, but who’s brain could make the universe implode if they just wrinkled it a little.

POLLY

Man, I am nowhere _near_ high enough for this shit – hold on…

Polly rolls a joint and lights it.

POLLY

Please, go on.

ZOE

To make all this way simpler: some Gods are mega large brains, and other Gods are big dumb-dumbs.

Zoe writes “very smart” near one end of the arrow and “very stupid” near the opposite end of the arrow”, before pausing for a moment.

ZOE

Now… I’m sure this’ll be a shock to you guys, but. I was a big dumb-dumb God.

Polly applauds.

POLLY

Haha! Fuck yes, dude!

MIRANDA

(CONCERNED) Is this true, Zoe?

ZOE

It’s true! Here, if I were to place myself on the arrow, it’d be like…

Zoe draws an X near the “very stupid” edge of the sentience arrow.

MIRANDA

(PAINED) Oh, no… Our friend is an idiot!

polly

What’s the big deal? (LAUGHING) She’s found her people!

ZOE

And Miranda, thanks for worrying but this doesn’t really apply to me anymore. Transition: “What is… a… Soul…” (MUTTERING) Here, let me draw a little soul guy…

Zoe draws a cute little wisp.

ZOE

There. I’m sure this won’t be such a big leap for you guys, but most creatures have what’s called a soul.

VICKY

Well, obviously. Polly’s sitting right here.

POLLY

Heya! Soul girl reporting for duty!

ZOE

Slow down there, bucko: I know its easy to think that Polly _is_ a soul, but she’s not. Polly’s a ghost, she _has_ a soul, but she _isn’t_ a soul.

BEAT.

ZOE

Ok, I feel like I lost you guys just there. Just let me keep talking and then it’ll make sense.

POLLY

No, no, just let me get through this bag of xanax real quick and _then_ it’ll make sense…

ZOE

Polly please don’t get blasted while I give the very important exposition-

VICKY

She already took them.

zoe

Nevermind. You still with us Polly?

Polly leans back and chuckles to herself. It’s hitting.

POLLY

Ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, so. Tell me how I’m a ghost but not a ghost.

ZOE

Well that’s the thing: the “soul” isn’t a synonym of “ghost” or “spirit,” its something totally different. It’s sort of like… your ability to feel? Actually, no, it’s more like your ability to… do anything. (FRUSTRATED) Ugh, Vicky can you help me out here?

VICKY

Well, if we follow classical models, the soul would be the philosophical materialization of some creature’s capability for emotion, and intellect…

Vicky flips her pen.

VICKY

The intagibles, basically.

ZOE

Exactly. “The soul is just a complimentary component to the brain, that encompasses a being’s unique essence in the universe,” is the definition I read just now on Wikipedia. Thanks for lending me your phone, Miranda.

Zoe gives Miranda back her phone.

ZOE

Now does it make sense why Polly can _be_ a ghost but also _have_ a soul? Polly, as she is, isn’t a corporeal being; She has no defined body.

POLLY

I can assure you my body is defined as fuck.

ZOE

Sure, her ghost form is very curvy, but she doesn’t have like… organs. More importantly, she doesn’t have a brain, I mean look: she’s totally see-through. This begs the question: how _does_ Polly feel joy, and sadness and stuff? Emotions that come from chemicals being released in the brain she doesn’t have? Answer: Polly’s soul.

MIRANDA

I see… I suppose it does make sense in a strange, metaphysical way.

ZOE

To be clear, the example about emotions I gave is Polly-specific. For most people, if you’ve got a brain that’s how you feel things. But for Polly, who has basically nothing that creatures need in order to feel at _all,_ like a nervous system or whatever _,_ the soul has to do that work. It’s adaptive like that.

POLLY

I’m not sure if it’s the xans, but this exposition on how my body works is making me SUPER horny for some reason. Vicky, you still got that dildo we used last time?

VICKY

It’s all in a locked safe back at home. (AWKWARD) Brian and I had a talk.

POLLY

Tsk. (LOOKING AT ZOE’S TENTACLES, WINKING) Hey, _Zoe_ …?

ZOE

(FLATLY) No. (PEPPY) Getting back on topic: how does this relate to Gods? Answer: “Gods… don’t… have… souls”. Souls are something Gods can create, but they aren’t just _born_ with them like you guys are. That’s exactly how it was for me… (SERIOUS) when I came into existence, I had no soul, and very low sentience. All I could do was follow my destructive instincts. (CHEERING UP) That is, until I came here, and met you guys.

MIRANDA

(TOUCHED) So… you’re saying you’ve developed a soul with us?

ZOE

Nope.

MIRANDA

H-Huh?!

ZOE

I still don’t have a soul… or at least I don’t have my _own_ soul. This brings us to the point of this TED Talk: “What does… all this… have to do… with… Oz”. Polly, you brought him along with you right?

Polly’s staring at the sky and chuckling to herself.

ZOE

See, this is exactly why I told her not to get super high.

As though replying on Polly’s behalf, a shadowy appendage extends from Polly’s handbag. It grips onto the cafeteria table, and squishes its body out of the small bag, jiggling into view like a sentient piece of flan. The shadowy creature Polly took care of until now, currently much larger than we last saw it. It smiles and waves at everyone.

MIRANDA

Aww, it’s cute!

VICKY

What is that?

POLLY

This is Oz. (LAUGHING) Sorry, I zoned out for a minute there… (SITTING UP) Oz told us he could regenerate body parts, right? Before he got eaten, he gave me this guy. I thought he was saying… “Take care of this because I’ll grow back from it”. That’s part of the reason why I didn’t want to just tell everyone he was dead…

ZOE

Polly, you’re half right. _That_ is not Oz.

Zoe points to her stomach.

ZOE

Oz is _here._

BEAT.

ZOE

Did I lose you guys again?

VICKY

Zoe, if this is another attempt at a joke, I’m telling you right now that it’s not landing.

Zoe

Vicky, I’m serious. This is not some weird Vore-based prank.

VICKY

(ALARMED) Wait, so you _know_ what Vore is, now…?!

Zoe coughs.

ZOE

Anyway. The reason I’m like this now, the reason I can talk and hang out with you guys, isn’t because I ate of Oz’ tasty, tasty, scrumptious flesh. It’s because I ate his _soul_. Oz’ soul is inside me right now, and because of that, my brain capabilities are being elevated. He boosted—

Zoe draws another X, nearer to the “Very Smart” side of the arrow.

ZOE

My sentience!

vicky

Wait but… Hold on.

ZOE

Vicky? Question?

VICKY

You said that a God’s brain power dwarfs that of a mortal, so… How is it that Oz’ soul can give you such a big jump? It shouldn’t affect you at all, should it? He’s just a regular guy.

Zoe gets quiet.

ZOE

Vicky… I feel like Oz wouldn’t want me to answer that question if he were still here.

VICKY

I guess it’s none of my business, huh…

zoe

It doesn’t really matter. What matters is I’m super aware now, and it’s _because_ I’m so aware, that we can set our Oz Resurrection plan into motion!

POLLY

Finally! Are we past the fucking lecture now??

ZOE

Indeed! I can feel Oz’ soul in here, moving around. If I just look inside, I’m certain I could find it and throw it back out. If we combine Oz’ soul with thelittle guy Polly’s been taking care of then Oz will reform.

MIRANDA

But if we do that… then your sentience will be lost, won’t it?

ZOE

Which is exactly what we’ll be trying to prevent. Since I am now an intelligent God, I have the capability to make myself a soul. I think.

POLLY

Well what are you waiting for? Fire up the soul factory!

ZOE

There’s one major roadblock. I’m pretty new to this sentience stuff, so… I don’t exactly get how emotions work, just yet.

VICKY

I see… since emotions are a key component of the soul, you need to understand them to make one.

ZOE

Exactly! You always get it; Wow, Vicky, you’re so smart!

Vicky blushes.

zoe

THIS will be our plan! I’ve hired you three – my three closest and only friends – to help me figure out how to feel things! And then I’ll know how feeling things feels, and then I’ll know how to make a soul, and then I’ll make one, and then I’ll yack Oz’ soul out and then he’ll be revived! And then we’ll all be happy!

Zoe flips over the whiteboard. That entire plan is written out, along with cute little diagrams. The last diagram is the girls and Oz partying.

POLLY

And then finally we can move on with our lives… Man, if you told me that _this_ would be how I spend the first few months of my senior year I’d have dropped out then and there…

ZOE

Let’s do our best, ok? For everybody’s sake.

Zoe puts her arm (tentacle) forward. The other girls do the same. Polly deliberately puts her hand on Zoe’s tentacle directly and bites her lip.

POLLY

Hey _, Zoe_ …?~

ZOE

(FLATLY) Never. (EXCITED) Alright guys! “Yeah” on three! 1, 2, 3!

MIRANDA, VICKY, POLLY & ZOE

Yeah!

BEAT.

ZOE

(TO VIEWERS) Oh, by the way, we’re not doing the intro song today because we spent all that time doing exposition. You get to have the title though, look:

TITLE: “THE GIRLS WATCH INSIDE OUT (2015)”.

zoe

Oh, I get it, because of the emotions thing. Funny… Wait shouldn’t the reference have been to the movie “Soul”, isn’t that more appropriate? It’s by the same guy…

POLLY

Who the hell are you talking to…?

ACT ONE

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, OUTSIDE STUDENT COUNCIL ROOM – LATER

Amira walks up to the door and knocks on it a few times. Eventually she starts drumming a rhythm but is interrupted by a knock from inside.

VERA

(THROUGH DOOR) What’s the password?

AMIRA

(LAUGHING) Would you stop doing the password thing already? I swear, you are _so_ immature.

Vera opens the door and laughs to herself, motioning for Vera to come in.

VERA

Password accepted.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, STUDENT COUNCIL ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Amira enters the student council room. The room, which was once pretty bare and most certainly a space for serious administrative work, has been completely overhauled, turned into some mix of a crime lord’s lair and the inside of a hippie’s van.

Amira drops onto a chair and lounges.

VERA

Feeling relaxed, Amira?

AMIRA

I _deserve_ to! I’ve been workin’ hard for you! I mean, you had me: Forge a legal permit so you can keep giving illegal legal advice to people—

VERA

Impressive handiwork, by the way. You can barely tell it isn’t real…

AMIRA

Round up all the cocaine being sold at school so you could “coalesce the cocaine commerce”, alliteration surely intended-

VERA

Which you managed to do in an afternoon!

AMIRA

And last but not least: convince the principal to give you NO homework for the rest of the year.

VERa

Now THAT one, I’m truly blown away by… How did you even pull that off?

AMIRA

Easy. I made a good argument.

Amira takes an assault rifle from her jacket. She cocks it.

AMIRA

I know how to be persuasive when I want to.

VERA

(CHUCKLING) You certainly have a way with… words. Honestly, I don’t think even _I_ could’ve pushed him that far…

Amira gives Vera a wary glance.

VERA

Hm? Is something wrong?

AMIRA

Vera, you good? You don’t got a fever or nothin’?

VERA

A fever?

AMIRA

Nah, it’s just… I mean, I was worried you might be sick when you complimented me more than once in a day, but you saying I outdid you in ANY area? You might need chemo or something.

VERA

I assure you, Amira, I’m in my rightest mind. I’m simply remarking upon your shocking usefulness… It’s not very often I meet someone so reliable.

AMIRA

That so… lucky me.

Amira sighs deeply.

AMIRA

… Alright, stop buttering me up, what do you need?

VERA

You really are shockingly quick on the uptake…

Vera gets up and grabs her handbag before moving toward the door.

VERA

Come.

AMIRA

Finally… what are we doin’ today?

VERA

I bet this’ll make you happy…

Vera gives Amira a knowing glance.

VERA

We’re going on a date.

The phrasing gives Amira pause. Amira’s eyes dart to the side, and she blushes ever so slightly.

AMIRA

(AVOIDING GAZE) H-huh? Why would that… “make me happy”?

VERA

My apologies, maybe I’ve misjudged?

Amira gulps awkwardly for a beat.

AMIRA

(TRYING TO BE COOL) N-Nah, nah it’s cool. It’s cool, I’m up for whatever, you know. Whatever you want, girl.

Amira tries to act natural. Vera holds back a smile.

VERA

(WHISPERING, TO HERSELF) She thinks she’s so subtle…

EXT. MONSTROPOLIS, AMUSEMENT PARK – AFTER SCHOOL

The girls cross the gates and enter into Monstropolis’ Amusement Park:

MIRANDA

(READING SIGN) “Amusement Park-Land-World” … “The most joyous area on the planet”. (EYES NARROWED) This sounds fishy…

VICKY

And familiar…

POLLY

Well, we’re here Zoe. Now, not that I’m complaining, but why are we at the amusement park, exactly?

ZOE

I’m glad you asked! The goal is to get me to feel the 5 major emotions: Joy, Anger, Fear, Disgust and Sadness, right? Also, before you say anything Vicky, yes I know there are more than just five emotions, we’re simplifying things so don’t be a nerd right now.

Vicky puts her hand down.

ZOE

Point is, what better place to feel a variety of wildly different emotions than the amusement park! You get to experience the whole spectrum in a place like this!

miranda

I’m not sure I follow…

POLLY

I get how you’d be able to feel joy from a place like this, at least…

VICKY

And I’m sure you could empathize with the fear of the people in charge, trying to run a rip-off park _this_ blatant…

Vicky points to a mouse mascot with a censor bar over its eyes and a modulated voice giving balloons to some children.

VICKY

This seriously can’t be legal…

ZOE

Tsk, tsk, tsk! As expected of mortals, your perspective is so narrow! I mean, just think about it: you feel joy from the rides, anger at how ridiculously overpriced literally everything is, fear that your kids are gonna hate you if you don’t buy them a Legal-Mouse hat, disgust at yourself for being so weak willed that you ended up paying 90 dollars for some plastic ears and sadness that, at the end of the day… you have to leave. See? This place is the crucible of mortal existence.

POLLY

I feel like somehow you totally misunderstood what an amusement park is… but simultaneously understood _exactly_ what an amusement park is.

MIRANDA

Our eldtrich friend is so smart! I’ll personally be hoping for you three to guide me as well, since I’ve never dained to go to a place like this before.

VICKY

No worries guys, I have this place _way_ mapped out.

POLLY

Woo, way to go Vicky!

VICKY

I-It’s nothing, it’s just I spend a _lot_ of time looking at brochures and event planners for places like this – I have a lot of fun pretending to make plans and imagining what it’d be like if I went somewhere with friends…

BEAT.

Polly, Zoe and Miranda pat Vicky’s back in a “there, there” fashion.

VICKY

(EMBARASSED) A-Anyway! I’m not sure about the other emotions, but if you want to feel Joy, then obviously we’ve gotta go after that one first, right? Why don’t we go to the arcade? That place has like a trillion games, it’s _bound_ to be fun.

POLLY

Arcade, huh? Sure, let’s go. I usually just go to buy Molly off the guy running it but it’ll be fun to actually play a game for once.

MIRANDA

(EXCITED) Huzzah! To the “Arcade”!

INT. AMUSEMENT PARK-LAND-WORLD, NONDESCRIPT DOG MASCOT’S ARCADE – LATER

Cut to the girls in the arcade.

MIRANDA

(EXCITED) Huzzah! We’re at the “Arcade”!

polly

We sure are.

MIRANDA

(EXCITED) Wow! Haha! It stinks in here! I hate this place! Let’s leave!

POLLY

Now that you mention it, it does smell a _lot_ like a sweat sandwich in here, doesn’t it?

VICKY

No, yeah, this place is a _lot_ stinkier than I was imagining…

MIRANDA

Why aren’t we leaving?

VICKY

Because we just _got_ here! Obviously, we’ve gotta try it out at least!

Miranda winces.

VICKY

_Please?_

Miranda sighs.

MIRANDA

Fine…

VICKY

Yes! Thanks, Miri!

MIRANDA

‘Miranda’. You haven’t earned ‘Miri’ privileges just yet. Now, where are the activities?

The girls look at Miranda for a moment. Vicky vaguely motions to everything.

MIRANDA

(INTRUIGUED) Ohh…

VICKY

Alright, Zoe? What do you wanna do first?

Zoe vaguely motions to everything.

MONTAGE – HANGING OUT AT THE ARCADE

A- The girls pass by the token machine. Miranda swipes her platinum card and when asked how many tokens she wants, she presses the “9” button as many times as she can. After she presses “Confirm”, the machine jams instead of giving them a single token.

B- The guy in charge recognizes Polly and gives the girls a golden card with the words “Infinite Arcade Pass” on it. Miranda seems sour about it.

C- The girls try playing ring toss. Zoe and Vicky go head-to-head. Both girls do incredibly well, but they end up tied. Miranda and Polly step up. Miranda’s legitimately awful, weakly throwing the rings and barely getting them to even reach the pegs. She does manage to beat Polly, though, since Polly cannot even grab the rings at all as they keep phasing through her. Miranda sinks one at the last minute and gets all up in Polly’s face celebrating her 1-point victory. Polly seems sour about it.

D- The girls move on to other games, like an immersive horror game that doesn’t scare Zoe at all, a laser gun game that Vicky and Zoe play together at high skill, trying to outclass each other, and a stacking game that Polly and Miranda play together at low skill, trying to outclass each other. Vicky and Zoe tie, but Miranda BARELY wins, once again because Polly physically cannot press or hold anything. Miranda gives Polly a smug grin.

E- The girls play that punching strength test game. Vicky and Zoe do equally well, Miranda sucks and Polly phases through. Miranda gives her an even smugger grin.

F- The girls get to a hammer game. Miranda has the hammer in her hand, she drops it. It barely rises the marker at all. Polly steps up to try… As they switch, Miranda gives Polly the smuggest of grins. Polly’s eyes narrow and she prepares herself… She cracks her neck… and grabs the hammer. Polly can touch the hammer! Miranda’s smile drops immediately. Polly glares at Miranda as smugly as she can. She then raises the hammer up, and fiercely strikes it down with the rage of someone who’s lost to Miranda like 5 times for no reason. The strike is powerful, the marker rises all the way to the top… but its _too_ powerful. The marker dings off the bell at the top and plummets all the way back down to the very bottom… below the point Miranda reached. Miranda holds back her sheer smugness as Polly wishes she were even deader than she already is.

END MONTAGE

We return from the montage to see Vicky and Zoe going head to head at Dance Dance Revolution. Both girls are doing their utmost. Polly and Miranda stand behind them, cheering for one or the other.

MIRANDA

Zoe!! Godspeed!

POLLY

Kick her ass, Vicky! Please, I-… (SERIOUS) I really need a win today.

Vicky and Zoe sweat up a storm, as the finale of the song comes up. With a flourish, they end the track. Both girls collapse on the support bars, as they wait for the results to be determined. All four girls are at the edge of their seats… until the score is revealed.

“P1 (VIC): 467 Perfect 0 Great 0 Good 0 Miss”

“P2 (ZOE): 466 Perfect 0 Great 0 Good 1 Miss”

Vicky’s won. Vicky’s face lights up as she jumps in excitement.

VICKY

I WON!!! Hahaha!

Polly High fives Vicky.

POLLY

Hell yes!! Take THAT Miranda—

Polly pauses, as she sees Zoe and Miranda. Miranda’s patting Zoe’s back, but for some reason Zoe’s not moving at all.

MIRANDA

Zoe? Are you ok?

The eyes on Zoe’s forehead and chest tremble. Zoe breathes heavily as her eyes turn red.

VICKY

Z-Zoe--?!

Zoe raises a tentacle and wordless demolishes the DDR Machine. She whips it over and over and over until nothing’s left of it but a sparking heap of scrap metal.

Miranda, Vicky and Polly witness this in horrified silence for a beat. Zoe then, out of nowhere, looks up and turns to the girls, satisfied.

ZOE

Good news! I know what Anger feels like now! Haha, Progress!

BEAT.

VICKY

Uh… Are you ok?

ZOE

Hm? Oh, y’know.

BEAT.

POLLY

… But are you?

ZOE

Haha!

BEAT.

miranda

Well… if we made progress, then good! Right, girls?

VICKY

Y-Yeah, I mean… yeah, sure. I was just hoping we’d make progress in “Joy” and not… anger…

POLLY

Maybe we got both? What do you think, Zoe?

ZOE

Hm… I’m not sure for Joy. I mean, I had fun and everything, it was definitely _fun_ , but I don’t know if I feel like “Wow! THIS is Joy”. Y’know? I think it needs to be _really_ defining.

POLLY

But… you’re sure about the anger—

ZOE

(INTERRUPTING) Yes.

POLLY

U-Uh—

ZOE

Absolutely certain. I honestly feel like I couldn’t get any madder than I am right now.

VICKY

G-Geez, if I knew I would’ve tried to lose on purpose—

ZOE

(SERIOUS) If I found out you let me win this machine would’ve been _you_.

BEAT. The machine smokes and sparks.

MIRANDA

S-So! Haha! Anyone hungry?

ACT TWO

EXT. MONSTROPOLIS, OUTSIDE VERA’S EMPLOYEE’S HOUSE – AFTERNOON

Vera and Amira stand before the suburban home.

AMIRA

Vera…

VERA

Hm?

AMIRA

Vera, _this_ is the date? This is where we’re going? Some random guy’s house?

VERA

Oh, did you take that seriously? I assumed you knew I was joking.

Amira coughs and looks away.

AMIRA

Y-Yeah… yeah, I was just playin’ too, you know. We’re just… (DISSAPOINTED) We’re just kidding around.

VERA

Kidding. Of course. you certainly gave me that impression.

Vera walks toward the home, followed by a confused Amira.

AMIRA

But like, seriously, what are we doin’ here, we Jehovah’s witnesses now or--?

Vera rings the doorbell. Amira gives Vera a look.

AMIRA

Oh, we’re Jehovah’s witnesses for _real…_

An old Gecko lady opens the door after a moment.

OLD LADY

Vera! How nice seeing you again!

VERA

Nice to see you as well, Miss Mrozinski.

ms. mrozinski

It’s always a pleasure, you know… Tyler just doesn’t get visitors besides you.

BEAT.

ms. mrozinski

F-Feel free to come whenever you want, ok?

AMIRA

Uhh… who the fuck is Tyler?

VERA

Amira, I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t swear so openly, especially not in the face of this house’s owner. Let’s be a little more respectable, okay?

AMIRA

Vera, you better fu--! (CATCHING HERSELF) fucking tell me what’s goin’ on here…! Please…!

VERA

(TO AMIRA) In a moment. (TO OLD LADY) I’m sorry to bother you today, but we need to talk to Tyler. Would you let us into his room?

INT. MONSTROPOLIS, TYLER MROZINSKI’S ROOM – LATER

Amira and Vera wait behind Tyler, a humanoid gecko, who types on his computer at his desk, in his room – the house’s basement. It’s covered wall to wall in anime posters. There’s a body pillow of an anime girl with a suggestive expression on his bed: a mattress layed out on the floor with no cover, and no bedframe. The floor is littered with empty cans of mountain dew, takeout boxes, and miscellaneous garbage.

Amira looks like she’s about to throw up.

AMIRA

Vera, I am dead the fuck confused.

VERA

What’s there to explain? You’ve seen this room, you know who Tyler Mrozinksi is.

AMIRA

I’m tryina know what the hell YOU’RE doin’ comin’ to a damn dungeon like this! MULTIPLE times! (BEWILDERED) Don’t tell me you fuck with this guy! (PANICKED) Don’t tell me you’re _fuckin’_ this guy--

VERA

(DEAD SERIOUS) I’ll slice your head off if you even SUGGEST anything like that ever again.

Vera sighs.

VERA

This boy, Tyler, is one of my employees. Despite the acute squalor he both is and lives in, he’s a gifted programmer. I’ve commissioned him to develop an application for me. By the way, not that you’d ever ask, but I’ll feel personal gratification if I tell an attractive woman in his age group that he went out of his way to be payed not in money that would help him escape his mother’s basement, but rather in pictures of Polly’s feet.

Amira cringes silently.

AMIRA

Vera… Where do you _find_ guys like this?

VERA

Reddit. I just say I’m a girl in the comment section any post and get 15 of them in my DMs in an instant. From there, I sort by skillset. They’re very convenient too: easy to manipulate.

AMIRA

Uh… huh…

Amira looks around the room.

AMIRA

No, but this place stinks like ass.

VERA

Hey, that’s insulting. What have asses ever done to you?

AMIRA

You know what, you’re right: An ass’ll fuckin’ carry a bucket for you or something… this stink smells like it’ll make you give up on your goals.

Vera chuckles.

AMIRA

This is the funk of apathy. Longer I’m in here the less I wanna accomplish shit – now we know why homeboy over here slaving for feet pics.

VERA

Feet pics which I’ll never give him by the way… You bet I just payed someone to photoshop the janitor’s feet to be cyan and see-through.

AMIRA

Don’t even give him that, mister anime sex pillow over here’s so twisted, this dude’ll probably hit you back up with a damn tribute video.

VERA

Why did you put that image in my head.

Amira turns to Tyler, who’s still working.

AMIRA

Hey, is this dude hearin’ us? We just roasted this kid and he’s not sayin’ nothin’.

VERA

I think he might have earbuds in.

AMIRA

What do you think he’s listening to?

VERA

I’m guessing his anime music playlist. He made me listen to it, you know. I wonder how he thought I’d react, hearing an hour of hentai moans layered over electronic music.

Vera scowls, remembering wounds that will never quite heal.

AMIRA

Vera, sometimes you are so damn patient…

VERA

The perfect revenge takes time.

Suddenly, Tyler stops working and turns around removing the very tiny pair of earphones he was wearing.

TYLER

(SLIMY) H-heheh, Miss Vera, I believe you’ll be glad to hear I’ve completed the work you wanted me to—

Tyler stops as soon as he sees Amira.

TYLER

Who’s _this?!_

AMIRA

Dude, shut up. You are not “Who’s this”-ing me when I’ve been here the whole time.

VERA

This is my partner, Amira. She’s here for the app too.

TYLER

Oh, I see, I see… I should’ve expected my talents would strike not one, but TWO females’ fancy…

Amira blinks a few times.

TYLER

Amira, huh? How… _Exotic_.

AMIRA

Vera I’m at my limit.

vera

One more shitty statement out of him and you get the go ahead on kicking his ass.

TYLER

Do you want to listen to my _superior_ music playlist?

AMIRA

Does that count, is that shitty enough??

Vera nods slightly, trembling in anger.

VERA

Demolish him before he gets the chance to press play.

AMIRA

Hell yeah!

Amira cracks her knuckles and walks toward Tyler.

AMIRA

I needed somethin’ like this…

TYLER

Wh-what are you doing…?!

AMIRA

Listen, I’m not gonna say you should’ve been bullied more as a kid.

Amira grabs the gecko by his collar.

amira

… Because Vera’s prolly gonna say it for me.

VERA

You should’ve been bullied WAY more. At _all_ ages, why limit it to childhood?

Vera, who had approached Tyler’s computer and plugged a USB key into it, watches the screen, which is currently displaying a progress bar and nothing else, with a self-satisfied expression.

vera

Thanks for the app, by the way. I suppose I ought to say, now that your purpose – to me, and to society as a whole - is complete… this application has to stay between us. My apologies, Tyler.

The progress bar finishes… and Tyler’s entire computer is wiped.

TYLER

(DEMOLISHED) M… my data…

VERA

Excuse me? _“Your”_ data? Who gave you the right to _own_ anything?

Vera takes the USB out of the computer and puts it back in her purse before going toward the stairs.

VERA

Everything you’ve made… Everything you were ever worth, is _mine_ to take. Believe me when I say though… it’s really not much. Amira, finish up here. Do whatever you want, but make sure to break his fingers. We can’t have him enjoying anything after this, can we?

AMIRA

Hey, no hard feelings, okay Tyler? You just suck. Chalk this up to you sucking.

Amira gets to work, brutalizing Tyler. Vera tries to go up the stairs but decides to stay and watch the beatdown.

INT. MISS MROZINSKI’S HOUSE, FIRST FLOOR – CONTINUOUS

Amira and Vera walk up the stairs together. As they do, they hear the sound of a pan being dropped.

Cut to Miss Mrozinski, who dropped the pan of cookies she was about to give to the girls and Tyler. She’s deeply terrified.

Cutting back to the girls, its obvious why: Amira’s knuckles are bloodied. The girls look at each other and sigh.

AMIRA

(LOOKING AT VERA) Should I, or should you?

VERA

(LOOKING AT AMIRA) I’ll take care of it.

Without taking her eyes off Amira, Vera takes a gun from her purse and shoots Miss Mrozinski dead. Vera sighs, in deep relief.

AMIRA

How good do you feel right now? Scale from 1 to 10?

VERA

100… but it’s not enough. You left that kid alive, right?

AMIRA

Barely… What, you still wanna mess with him?

VERA

We need someone to take the fall for his mother’s murder, don’t we?

AMIRA

(IMPRESSED) God damn, was the anime playlist _that_ bad?

VERA

He’ll rue the day he ever showed me DJ Senpai’s “Sailor Moon with Bae” Future funk mix. (COLD) He’ll _rue_ it.

The girls leave the house. A minute later, we hear sirens.

INT. AMUSEMENT PARK-LAND-WORLD, WIFE-OF-MASCOT MOUSE’S FINE DINING EXPERIENCE – LATER

The girls find themselves at an extremely fancy restaurant – which is surprising considering the general bootleg nature of the park around it.

VICKY

W-Woah… Is it just me or is this place _legit?_

POLLY

Y-Yeah…

VICKY

I didn’t even know somewhere like this _existed_ … I guess I’m too broke for a place like this to register for me?

Polly turns to Zoe, who’s sitting idly.

POLLY

What do you think, Zoe? A place like this is pretty rare to see for most monsters, you know.

ZOE

Well, even I can tell this place is expensive. I’m grateful to Miranda for paying for us to come here.

MIRANDA

Huzzah! Gratitude! Why, it’s just a hair’s breadth away from Joy, isn’t it?

VICKY

Hey! Maybe you’re right! What do you think, Zoe? How are you feeling?

zoe

Hmmm… I’m not sure if it’s hitting me just yet…

MIRANDA

(SADDENED) Oh…

zoe

B-But! I’m sure it’s coming, Miranda! Maybe when I try the food?

POLLY

Speaking of…

A waiter with a long mustache comes to the table.

WAITER

Welcome, all four of you, to our Wife-of-mascot mouse’s fine dining experience. May I please take your order?

VICKY

Sure— (CATCHING HERSELF) Oh, um, I mean… of course. Sir. Umm… (LOOKING AT MENU) I guess I’ll try the—

MIRANDA

By the way, I hope you can afford what you’re about to order because I am _not_ paying for you.

BEAT.

Vicky puts the menu down.

VICKY

… Zoe, go ahead and choose.

ZOE

A-Alright… um…

Zoe points to an item on the menu.

ZOE

How about the “Unicorn Souffle”? That sounds cute, right?

MIRANDA

Oooh! That sounds exquisite!

ZOE

I’ll have that one then. One Unicorn Souffle please!

POLLY

And since me and Miranda don’t eat, that’s the whole order. Go ahead and get it.

The waiter pauses. He’s silent for a moment.

WAITER

Are you sure?

ZOE

Wh-What do you mean “am I sure?” Isn’t this a restaurant?

VICKY

What’s wrong? Are you guys out of Souffle?

waiter

It’s… not that…

The waiter’s eyes dart to the side.

VICKY

Uhh, guys? Is it just me or is this _super_ suspicious?

MIRANDA

I must agree, his reluctance to bring us the food is unsettling…

ZOE

Waiter. I asked for the Unicorn Souffle. Order it!

WAITER

(SIGHING) … As you wish.

The waiter leaves.

ZOE

Geez… get a load of that guy, right? We’re paying costumers here… (EXCITED) How was that? I’m testing out variations of Anger. Isn’t my annoyance convincing?

POLLY

You’re a natural.

VICKY

I’ve been meaning to ask… I can’t really put my finger on it, but don’t you have a personality Zoe? I can’t really wrap my head around you acting in certain ways, but also not _feeling_ _any_ way. Is that because of Oz’ soul?

ZOE

Maybe, but… maybe not? I mean, maybe I’ve got like, the pieces of a soul in here, you know? It’d be nice if that were the case, it makes this whole plan a lot more likely to work…

MIRANDA

Oh.

ZOE

What’s up, Miri?

MIRANDA

Sorry, it’s just your wording… reminded me that this plan of ours isn’t foolproof, is it?

ZOE

I’m not really sure… it might go off without a hitch, or I could end up not being able to make myself a soul and Oz’ chances of resurrection would just die right there. It’s not like I could even sacrifice myself if it fell through – my conscience is linked to his soul, if I tried puking it out, I’d just lose sentience and eat the soul again.

POLLY

Speaking of eating, look! Waiter’s back.

The girls turn to see the waiter, but their smiles fade into confusion.

The waiter arrives, holding reins and black box. The reins are tied to a live unicorn.

ZOE

Uhhh—

MIRANDA

Sir? What is the meaning of this?

WAITER

… Your Unicorn Souffle, Miss.

MIRANDA

No, no, no, that’s just a unicorn. Where is the dish?

vicky

And… what’s that box for?

WAITER

… The Fine dining experience features a live cooking element. In order to create a more lasting experience, waiters are made to add the finishing touches to the dish at the table.

POLLY

Ok? But where’s the dish, though?

The waiter sighs and places the box on the table.

waiter

This Unicorn’s name is Daffodil. He lived in the boreal valley of dreams until he reached adulthood.

He opens it: inside there is a syringe and a vial of black liquid. The waiter grabs the syringe and fills it with the black substance.

WAITER

It loved many things. It loved having fun with its friends, and galloping through the valleys, but what it loved MOST…

He squirts out a little to make sure the air’s gone, before crouching near the unicorn and placing the Syringe next to the Unicorn’s neck.

WAITER

…Was fulfilling the wishes of children. It met a child once, a sickly boy, who was born blind in both eyes, stricken by a degenerative disease. With one wave of its horn, it cured his illness. He lived a long and beautiful life, thankful to this unicorn until the day he died. There are hundreds of children just like him… children who look at this beautiful creature as their saviour.

The waiter pushes the Syringe into the Unicorn’s neck and injects it with the poison. The unicorn’s pupils dilate as it falls to the ground, convulsing for a few painful moments. Eventually it stops. The stillness of death engulfing the once vibrant creature.

As it meets its end, it melts into a rainbow puddle. The waiter grabs Zoe’s plate and a knife, and sadly scrapes the rainbow sludge into it. He doesn’t even bother getting all of it. The waiter places the plate before Zoe.

WAITER

Your Unicorn Souffle… madam.

Zoe, and all the other girls, are utterly speechless. They all wear rueful, gloomy faces. Zoe sadly takes a spoon and dips it into the rainbow sludge, before bringing the trembling utensil to her mouth and sipping the dish.

As soon as she tastes it, tears form in Zoe’s eyes.

ZOE

It’s--…

Zoe drops the spoon and buries her face in her hands.

ZOE

(SOBBING) It’s good… it’s really, really good…!

VICKY

(SORROWFUL) Seriously…?

ZOE

(CRYING) You’ve gotta try this, Vicky, it’s… hic…! amazing!

Vicky takes a spoon and dips it into the sludge. She tastes it and starts crying too.

POLLY

(SAD) How is it…?

VICKY

… It’s incredible.

Zoe sadly starts eating more of the sludge.

ZOE

… I’m disgusted. (CORRECTING) With myself, definitely not with this meal. This is mind-blowingly good. And every spoonful of it makes me hate myself more.

MIRANDA

(TRYING TO CHEER UP) W-Well… At least you know what Disgust feels like now, right? Haha…

Zoe stares at Miranda.

MIRANDA

Sorry…

BEAT.

VICKY

Hey, um, could I have some more of that souffle?

ZOE

No.

VICKY

Aw…

EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK-LAND-WORLD, ENTRANCE – EVENING

Amira and Vera pull up to the gate of the amusement park in (Vera’s) expensive foreign luxury car. Amira’s in the driver’s seat, driving Vera to her destination. Vera tries to get out of the car, but Amira hasn’t unlocked it yet. Amira’s just… staring, with her hands on the steering wheel.

VERA

Amira…?

AMIRA

G-Give me a second…

Amira is savouring every moment she has in this expensive car.

AMIRA

C-… can we uh… can we drive around a little more?

VERA

(ROLLING HER EYES) I’ll let you drive on the way back.

Amira, disappointed, gets out of the driver’s seat and opens the door for Vera, who exits the car as well. The girls walk toward the park.

AMIRA

I must be terminally ill for you to let me drive your car like that… Is this ‘make a wish’?

VERA

Oh, Amira, one day you’ll understand that being _driven_ , rather than driving, is the truer mark of wealth. I pride myself on never touching the wheel of any of the cars I own.

AMIRA

But then what do you do when you don’t got people like me to drive you around? Just get an Uber or something?

VERA 

That _is_ why I invented Uber, yes. How astute of you.

AMIRA

(SHOCKED) Uhh, wha--?

VERA

Rain check on this conversation. We’re here for a job, after all.

AMIRA

A job, huh… (READING SIGN) At an amusement park?

VERA

I’m sure you’ll be very shocked to hear this considering the remarkable mediocrity of this place, but this park is run by a mafia family. It’s one big laundering scheme. (PROUD) That _I_ came up with.

AMIRA

Dang, Vera, how much of the underworld do you have a hand in?

VERA

Not enough. Which is exactly what we’re here to solve: we’re going to pitch our app to the man in charge.

AMIRA

Wait… again? We just came here from pitching it to someone else, the dude with a horse head… what was his name?

VERA

Chimeal the reverse Centaur. Trust me, this will all make sense in roughly 45 minutes.

As they try to cross the gate, burly security guards move to stop them.

SECURITY GUARD #1

Park’s closed. Beat it.

AMIRA

(IRITATED) If you don’t move your fat ass out our god damn way…

SECURITY GUARD #2

(THREATENING) What was that?!

VERA

(TO AMIRA) Down, girl. (TO GUARDS) We have business here. We requested an audience with Bozo.

SECURITY GUARD #1

If you wanna see clowns come when the park’s open.

AMIRA

Oh really? Didn’t we just find two right here?

VERA

Amira, you’re not helping, but keep it up. You’re making this bearable. (TO GUARDS) Trust me, I’m well aware of the rigamarole you two were trained to give people who asked to see your boss.

Vera takes a card from her jacket and hands it to the guards.

VERA

A shame that I have to prove my identity to small fry like you, but I don’t exactly have the time not to play along.

The guards look over the card for a moment before whispering to each other. They then step aside and wave the girls in.

SECURITY GUARD #2

Bozo is in the fine dining experience. 

VERA

As he always is… Come on Amira.

Amira and Vera pass the guards. Amira waves the guards off condescendingly before entering.

EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK-LAND-WORLD, IN FRONT OF “UNTITLED ROLLERCOASTER” – LATER

The girls, meaning Polly, Vicky, Zoe and Miranda, stand a ways away from the entrance of the biggest rollercoaster in Amusement Park-Land-World.

VICKY

Uhh, Polly? Are you sure we should be here? I mean, I’m certain I heard the park saying it was closed.

POLLY

Oh, come on! Don’t be such a square, boo! Everyone knows the party starts when everyone’s already left and it’s illegal to stay!

vicky

I mean, logistically, there’s no way they’ll even _let_ us onto the rollercoaster…

POLLY

You don’t know that, there’s always SOMEONE who stays behind. We can just convince whoever it is to let us on!

ZOE

I wanna try this. It looks fun!

POLLY

See? Zoe says she wants to try it, and we haven’t even tried one of _my_ ideas all day, anyway. You and Miranda struck out pretty bad, you know.

MIRANDA

This is true…

VICKY

Can’t argue with that…

POLLY

Exactly! So… roller coaster time!

INT. ENTRANCE TO “UNTITLED ROLLER COASTER” – CONTINUOUS

The girls walk into the loading area, going down the slope until they reach where you board the roller coaster. There’s a figure hidden in shadow at the end, the employee who operates it.

POLLY

Honestly, we should’ve LED with this from the start. The “Untitled Roller Coaster” is INSANE! I heard the last drop goes so fast it physically sends you forward in time.

VICKY

That makes absolutely no sense, how is that even possible?

POLLY

It’s real, boo! Someone measured it, they were at the top of the coaster at 5:30 and at the bottom at 5:45. The drop is 30 seconds.

VICKY

That sounds… terrifying.

ZOE

You mean awesome!! We _have_ to try it!

MIRANDA

I’m just concerned if they’ll let us onto the ride… it _is_ fairly late.

POLLY

No worries, ladies! Leave the convincing to me!

vicky

I’m guessing you’ve got a plan.

POLLY

‘Plan’ is one way to say it. Let’s just say—

Polly tugs on her top a little and winks.

POLLY

I have my ways! ~

VICKY

(WINCING) Polly… are you serious?

POLLY

Obviously! Think of what’s at stake here, we _have_ to help Zoe out! Also, I really wanna get on this coaster. Showing my tits to some guy is a very small price to pay.

ROLLER COASTER OPERATOR

(O.S.) Park’s closed, girls.

POLLY

(TURNING TO OPERATOR, FLIRTY) Oh, yeah? Why don’t we work something out—?

Polly freezes, top half removed, as the operator steps out of the shadow.

Before them stands a faun.

A _female_ faun.

POLLY

Uh…

BEAT.

POLLY

… Are you gay?

The faun shakes her head no.

ROLLER COASTER OPERATOR

Sorry.

POLLY

Then…

Polly looks at the girls beside her, none of them have any ideas.

polly

… do you wanna see my tits anyway?

ROLLER COASTER OPERATOR

(EXCITED) Dude, _fuck_ yes!

POLLY

Yaaaass!!

Polly whips her top off. The operator cheers at the sight.

BEAT.

POLLY

So, like… can we get on the roller coaster?

ROLLER COASTER OPERATOR

You know what? Sure. I was just gonna call security, but you convinced me – I mean those are _impressive_. Respect.

Polly turns to Vicky with a smug expression.

POLLY

(SMUG) _Master_ of negotiation, here.

VICKY

Ugh, whatever…

Polly puts her top back on.

POLLY

You don’t gotta be jealous!

INT. AMUSEMENT-PARK-LAND, FINE DINING EXPERIENCE – MEANWHILE

Vera sits at a table, flanked by Amira. Opposite them sits Gunbozo Gianetti, the boss of the crime family that runs this amusement park, the Deranged Clown Assembly, eagerly eating a freshly cooked batch of Unicorn Souffle. Beside him stands the waiter from earlier. After eating a few spoonfuls, He makes a series of gestures and honks his rubber nose.

VERA

No need, Bozo, I’m already full.

Bozo shrugs and goes back to his meal.

WAITER

You’ll have to excuse our boss… a party of four left without finishing their Unicorn Souffle, and Gunbozo hates his food being wasted almost as much as he hates his time being wasted. Speaking of, I’d suggest you make your business quick.

VERA

Now, now, is that any way to speak to me? Haven’t I been a reliable ally of this organization?

WAITER

I will admit that we are _somewhat_ in your debt after your advice on rebranding – or rather, _de_ branding – the park allowed us to avoid a series of very… costly lawsuits.

VERA

Exactly! Me and Mr. Bozo agree on a lot… so trust that if I’m here, it’s for a good reason.

Gunbozo blows down a slide whistle.

VERA

I’ll get right to the point.

Vera snaps her fingers. Amira dips down and grabs a laptop, which she places on the table and opens. On it, an app is displayed.

VERA

I’d like to sell you this.

WAITER

Is that so? And what is _this_ exactly?

vera

 _This_ is the future. Assassination is a quintessential tool for any criminal organization, and yet its woefully underutilized by those running this city’s underground. Why is that?

WAITER

The reason is obvious, Monstropolis’ laws are entirely too constricting in this aspect. I know we’re criminals, but the laws here authoritarian…

VERA

There’s also the issue of complexity. There are over 70 000 registered races all coexisting in this city, so finding someone who even _can_ kill who you want him to is a struggle as well, isn’t it?

WAITER

Indeed…

VERA

What if I told you that those days are behind us? What I’m offering you is a convenient, fast, and effective method of organizing contract killings… and the right to its use before it ‘hits the market’ as it were.

Bozo sits up. He looks at the waiter, who seems deep in thought, before honking a bike horn 3 times and snapping his fingers.

VERA

I’m glad you asked. The system is simple: You request the assassination of a certain individual, say… the boss of an opposing organization, for example. This request is then processed by a team of employees bound by confidentiality, who will then privately hire one or many assassins vetted personally by me to fulfill the request. My employees will also handle any legal, as well as literal, cleanup.

The boss takes this in for a bit, before grabbing a balloon from his pocket, blowing it up, and making a dog.

VERA

Let’s be clear here, Bozo, I am not _giving_ you this. What you’re paying for is access to the Beta.

Amira grabs a big contract and drops it on the table near Bozo, along with a pen.

VERA

I’m letting you in on this… because I’m worried.

Bozo gives Vera a confused look.

VERA

Convenient assassination is the next step for all of us in the underworld… I’ve heard rumors that many are picking up on this and using similar services. In fact… (WARY) It seems one by the name of “Chimeal the reverse Centaur” has recently been looking into it.

Bozo looks shocked. He turns to the waiter, who seems panicked as well. As they do, Vera looks at her watch. She gives Amira a knowing glance before silently counting down: “3… 2… 1…”

security guard #1

(O.S.) BOSS!

A security guard busts in through the door. He seems out of breath.

SECURITY GUARD #1

Boss! It’s Chimeal, he’s coming!

Bozo gets up, furious.

WAITER

I-Is this true?!

security guard #1

He’s here, alright. Him and his whole gang!

WAITER

The whole gang?! Preposterous!

VERA

It really is strange… It may not be by much, but your gang outnumbers Chimeal’s, doesn’t it?

WAITER

Well y-yes, but—

VERA

And yet he’s storming your hideout… I wonder… why is he so confident?

waiter

So, it is true… He must have help.

The waiter nods to Bozo. Bozo nods back and signs the contract.

VERA

Pleasure doing business with you.

Bozo lumbers toward the door, while honking his many horns.

WAITER

Right away sir, I’ll contact everyone! (FOLLOWING BOZO, MUTTERING) What a night to have a gang war…

Everyone leaves, leaving Vera and Amira alone. They silently pack up everything for a moment, holding back laughter. Amira’s the first to break, she starts laughing uproariously.

AMIRA

Oh my god! These people are so damn STUPID!

VERA

Aren’t they, though?

EXT. AMUSEMENT-PARK-LAND – CONTINUOUS

The loudspeakers blare through the park. Through it, Bozo gives orders to all his goons. Every employee we’ve seen so far listens to these orders with determined expressions, before putting on clown makeup and grabbing weapons from some unlikely place.

We end the sequence with the roller coaster operator, who puts on her makeup before storming out of the roller coaster area… Before she leaves though, she realizes.

OPERATOR

Oh!

The operator runs back and turns the roller coaster off.

OPERATOR

(RUNNING OFF) This should be fine, right…?

EXT. “UNTITLED ROLLER COASTER”, TOP OF FIRST HILL – CONTINUOUS

The girls are going up the first massive drop of the roller coaster. The buildup is immense… the tension builds as they approach the drop. They reach the crest of the hill; the girls put their arms up pre-emptively…

But then they stop.

The girls, whose arms are still up, look to each other as confusion grows. After a beat, they put their arms down and turn to Polly, whose face is even paler than it usually is.

POLLY

Uh… give it a minute.

VICKY

Polly, the coaster stopped.

POLLY

I know just give it a minute…

VICKY

… Polly, are we stuck here—

POLLY

(NERVOUS) W-We’re not stuck here! Everything’s TOTALLY FI—

At that exact moment, a massive explosion rings out from the entrance to the park.

Down below, a gang war rages on, clowns fight against non-clowns in a brutal, bloody battle.

The girls observe this carnage… then turn to Polly, who’s sweating.

POLLY

… Ok, we _are_ stuck here, but it’s actually a GOOD thing! Haha…

ACT THREE

EXT. AMUSEMENT PARK-LAND-WORLD, STOUT CASTLE CAFE – CONTINUOUS

A vicious gang war embroils the amusement park from end to end. Gangsters in clown makeup shoot and kill whoever they find not wearing clown makeup – the very reason they wear it in the first place – but are just as easily killed by those they fight against.

We pan up to the top of a building shaped like a rectangular castle, the roof of which houses an outdoor café. Vera’s lounging on one of the chairs looking out at the carnage.

After a moment, Amira appears, holding two teacups on a plate and a teapot. She places them on the table.

VERA

Oh, so _this_ is what you were up to…

Amira serves tea for both her and Vera. For some reason, Amira’s usual lax nature totally disappears as she pours the tea with a refined precision. Vera takes notice of this.

After Amira finishes pouring tea for both of them, Vera takes a sip.

VERA

Oh, wow… This is incredible…

AMIRA

Ah, thanks…

VERA

Where did you learn to make tea like this?

Amira looks as though she wants to dodge the question, but Vera seems earnest, or at least insistent, so Amira looks away shyly.

AMIRA

Well, y’know… it’s not like I had a teacher or nothin’, you just… try a lot. You drink a lotta bad tea… and then you make a good one.

VERA

I see…

AMIRA

(DEFLECTING) W-Well, it’s not important or anything, it’s just tea! Haha, you just… put the leaves in the water, that’s all…

VERA

(HONEST) Well… I think it’s very good.

Vera drinks some more. Amira’s blushing a little and trying to act like its no big deal, but you can tell there’s the hint of a smile on her face.

AMIRA

Thanks…

The girls stay quiet for a beat.

AMIRA

You weren’t lying. You really are a genius.

VERA

Finally… I don’t know what I would’ve done if you had kept doubting me for much longer.

AMIRA

This is… insane…

VERA

This? If you think _this_ is insane, you really haven’t seen much.

Amira and Vera look out at the war for a beat before Amira turns her gaze to Vera. Vera’s not looking back at her, but Amira still seems enraptured by something.

AMIRA

… Can you tell me again?

VERA

You mean the plan?

AMIRA

Yeah, I wanna hear it again.

VERA

(LAUGHING) What, like a bedtime story?

amira

(LAUGHING) Come on! Don’t make fun of me, I just…

VEra

(CONCEDING) Alright, Alright, fine…

Vera clears her throat and traces the rim of the teacup with her fingers.

VERA

Monstropolis is special. Among the Metropolises in the Monster age, Monstropolis stands head and shoulders above the rest because it’s managed to corner the market in one thing, arguably the only thing the world lost with the advent of our myriad races: safety.

Vera sips her tea.

VERA

This may seem counter to our nature, but Monsters strangely seek civility more than they do chaos. We live in a civilized world. Gone are the days of roaming and rampaging… we have organized societies now. Most importantly, we have families. And people with families… seek safety for those families. And thus, Monstropolis finds its place.

Vera pauses to check something on her phone.

VERA

You see now, why Monstropolis’ laws are so draconian, why the policing is so tough and _immediate,_ and why the city’s law enforcement would maintain such a good symbiotic relationship with the monster slayers. Monstropolis’ value as a city is due in large part to its appearance as a place where Monsters can escape the chaos… and find peace. A utopia, as it were.

Vera chuckles.

VERA

That… is the biggest ruse ever pulled. The truth is, Monstropolis’ image is exactly the paper-thin veneer you know it to be. The point was never civility, it was the _appearance_ of civility _._ To those profiting from it, that _appearance_ is the only thing worth the investment. The lives of people don’t matter… the only thing that matters is the _status_ of living here.As such, no one bats an eye when the civility I just told you of is built on an uncountable number of horrendous crimes… crimes which are, by some measure, perpetrated by the city itself. Case in point: the organized crime hierarchy.

Vera drinks some more of her tea.

VERA

Monstropolis’ underground hierarchy is in a rigid state. There are four major players, gang leaders, who govern their own fourths of the city. They’ve ascended as leaders and kept their place there with support from the city itself. In exchange for the ones in charge turning a blind eye to their more manageable crimes, the gangs agree to never do anything that would lower Monstropolis’ value, like wanton violence, or dealing drugs in rich neighbourhoods, for example. Despite how it appears, this agreement benefits the city greatly: all crime is now coalesced into these four factions who are reticent to step on each other’s toes or rock the boat. The gang leaders benefit too, of course… but not as much as they’d like to be. The tacit agreement severely hampers the gangs’ growth, and they _know_ it. As it stands the only way to accrue power for them would be through hostile takeover… unfortunately, the means to such a takeover have eclipsed them. After all, Monstropolis’ anti-homicide laws are incredibly strict. This is the reason the gang leaders would give you if you pressed them, and to an extent, they’re right. Believe it or not, getting away with murder is supremely hard. It’s no problem for me, though, because I know the right people. The problem is those people I know aren’t being utilized because the risk of jeopardizing the agreement outweighs the reward in the gang leaders’ minds. In the state they’re in, these gang leaders are essentially business owners. They run their organizations in their own quadrants and make their money with tacit support from the city. Jeopardizing this would be nonsensical. That said…

Vera pauses.

VERA

The four bosses may be in a self-imposed equilibrium, but they are still criminals. The truth is, if the means existed they’d utilize them without a second thought. This is where I slot in. The four bosses are evenly matched in military and societal strength, so the only way for any of them to get an advantage is through the resources I alone can provide. If I package those resources and make them easy to use, then I will immediately become THE most valuable asset to all four of the underworld’s most powerful men. That, in itself, would be enough on its own for most people. Not for me.

Amira nods, focused.

VERA

What I want is _real_ power. Territory, pawns, things I can sell, use, trade and acquire. Unfortunately, the four bosses have no space for a fifth. How unfortunate. This is what tonight aimed to fix. Those resources I packaged are so valuable that they can tip the balance of any feud into all out war. What’s even more compelling is if I convince both members of that feud that the other has already made use of similar services… Like, for example, how we did with Chimeal and Bozo.

AMIRA

We went to see that reverse Centaur dude and told him Bozo was using an app similar to yours.

VERA

We also told him Bozo would be using the app against him. Both statements are technically true. Chimeal is impulsive: he has the head of a horse _and_ the brain of a horse. He immediately jumped on this as his chance and launched a full-scale assault on Bozo’s hideout. Of course… what he still doesn’t realize is that the reason Bozo is here is because of me. The reason he’s using the app is because of me… And the app he’s using? It’s not _like_ mine, it _is_ mine.

AMIRA

We told the same shit to Bozo and had him pay us to use your app, because we told _him_ that _Chimeal_ had the app.

VERA

And that’s how you start a gang war in 24 hours. Thanks to my app, Chimeal the reverse Centaur will most surely die today. He came personally, after all. At the end of this battle, there will be a power vacuum in Monstropolis’ underworld… and from its ashes, one woman whose power could slot right where the old one was.

Vera gives Amira a villainous grin.

VERA

What a coincidence. (SERIOUS) So? Satisfied? Can you go to bed now?

Amira just stares at Vera, utterly captivated by her duplicitous mind.

VERA

Now that that’s out of the way… You’ve been doing well recently, so, I figure a gift is in order.

Vera takes a pair of keys from her pocket and throws them at Amira.

AMIRA

W-Wait…

Amira’s jaw drops.

AMIRA

Wait! Wait, wait! Is this--?!

VERA

The keys to my car. See? I didn’t make you drive it for no reason. Congratulations, Amira! It’s not your dream car or anything, but… I hope you like it.

Amira’s fumbling over her words. It’s clear she can’t believe Vera just _gave_ her that car. Vera chuckles and finishes her tea. Amira pours her some more, as politely as she can, and in the most genuine voice she can muster…

AMIRA

Thank you.

INT. TOP OF “UNTITLED ROLLER COASTER” – MEANWHILE

The girls are sitting in their stuck carriage, on top of the roller coaster, not moving. All of them are on their phones, trying to call somebody. It’s not working.

MIRANDA

Blast…! No signal…

VICKY

Yeah, I’m not getting anything either.

POLLY

No bars.

VICKY

Alright… At this point, I think we can assume that the lady probably turned off the roller coaster… she’s sure to come back, right?

POLLY

She better… I showed her my tits and everything…

BEAT.

MIRANDA

What if she doesn’t?

POLLY

Miri-?!

VICKY

Miranda don’t say that.

MIRANDA

Isn’t it possible? Don’t tell me I’m the only one hearing those gunshots and explosions…

POLLY

That’s--! Uh, that’s just…

VICKY

Fireworks?

POLLY

Yeah, Fireworks!

MIRANDA

They’re gunshots. It smells like gunpowder.

POLLY

Oh right, I forgot… where Miranda’s from…

VICKY

If Miranda’s worried, why don’t we come up with a quick and dirty escape plan? Just in case.

POLLY

Alright… sure, let’s do it.

VICKY

Phones are out…

MIRANDA

Maybe someone can get out of these safety bars?

VICKY

Get out-- are you crazy?! We’re like, insanely high up right now!

MIRANDA

As it stands, though, isn’t that our only option? We need to get back to the ground. To do that, we must get out of these restraints.

VICKY

W-Well… maybe we could’ve done that if it was right at the entrance… but Miranda, we’re at the first hill right now. Both in front AND behind us is a sheer drop.

MIRANDA

S-So it seems…

VICKY

N-Not that it’s hopeless! We’ve got the key right here, right Zoe?

ZOE

Hm? Sorry I was thinking about stuff. Do you guys know how to restart this thing?

VICKY

W-Well… more or less? Zoe, you’re immortal right? And you’re thin. I’m thinking if you shimmy out of the safety bars, you can just… jump to the ground! You’re a God, a fall won’t do much to you, will it?

BEAT.

MIRANDA

You want Zoe to jump from… all the way up here… to the ground?

POLLY

 _That’s_ your idea?

VICKY

It’s _an_ idea! Honestly, Zoe’s the only one who can get us out of this, anyway! Right Zoe?

ZOE

Uhh… That’s not gonna work. I can’t jump from here.

VICKy

Wha- Why?!

ZOE

Because it’s scary.

BEAT.

ZOE

It’s super, duper, extra terrifying from up here. Seriously, I was lying when I said I was thinking about stuff earlier, I was just looking at this drop and thinking “Wow! This is terrifying!” (NERVOUS) H-Hahaha! Isn’t that crazy? I’m a God but I’m still scared! Oh man! Fear! What a feeling.

Zoe gulps hard. You can see she’s trembling.

POLLY

… Progress?

ZOE

Hey, you’re right! We made a lot of progress today, I felt so many strong emotions… like anger at losing at a video game, sadness that my ignorance killed an innocent creature, disgust for finding that creature tasty, and fear at my impending death on a roller coaster! (SMILING) The only thing that’s left is for me to have actually _enjoyed_ any of it! Right??

The girls fall silent. They all look down, ashamed.

ZOE

(CONFUSED) … Right?

POLLY

We really messed up, huh…

ZOE

Hm? What’s wrong, guys?

MIRANDA

(REGRETFUL) We’re really sorry, Zoe. You trusted us to help you feel joy, but we only made you feel all these negative feelings… It’s truly shameful, we’re failures as friends.

ZOE

Uhh, what’s happening right now?

VICKY

(SADDENED) Seriously, Zoe. I can’t believe I spent so much time thinking how great it’d be to finally go to the amusement park with friends, only for it to end up like this.

POLLY

This whole thing’s my fault…

VICKY

Don’t say that—

POLLY

(SNAPPING) It is! From the start, all of this was MY fault! We’re on this roller coaster because of me! More than that, the whole reason we’re even _here_ is because _I_ killed Oz!

VICKY

(SHAKEN) What do you mean _killed_?!

MIRANDA

(OFFENDED) … What do you mean _I_?

POLLY

Oz is dead because we bought some cursed totem to prank him. It was _my_ idea – right, Miranda?

Miranda’s dead silent for a beat.

POLLY

Miranda…?

MIRANDA

Oh. So suddenly it’s _your_ idea. And _you_ killed him, huh?

POLLY

Well, yeah—

MIRANDA

What about _me?_ Didn’tI have a part in this too? If you really think about it, it’s more _my_ fault than it is yours!

POLLY

Wh-Where are you going with this, Miri?!

MIRANDA

That totem, I bought it. And we bought it because Oz made _me_ lose the election – and you two started talking because _we_ became friends because _I_ harassed him! No matter how you slice it, shouldn’t _I_ be the one crying bitter tears?!

POLLY

Miranda, seriously, what are you going on about?!

MIRANDA

(FIRM) No, Polly, what on earth are _you_ going on about?! I’m not going to let you paint yourself as some monster just because you feel bad you made a mistake--!

POLLY

It’s _NOT_ just a mistake, it’s someone’s life!

MIRANDA

(SNAPPING) SO?! Since when have you cared about anyone’s life?!

polly

I--!

MIRANDA

You know, I’ve had a bone to pick with your attitude for quite a while, and I’m certainly not going to let you pretend that you’re some… pure, magnanimous flower that’s bleeding over accidentally causing Oz harm – I don’t know a bigger hedonist than you, Polly! How many men have I seen you pick up and toss aside like garbage?!

POLLY

(ANGRY) … I-!

MIRANDA

I know your tastes, Polly, I know he’s not worth the dirt off your boots!

POLLY

(SNAPPING) Don’t say that shit about Oz, Miri!

MIRANDA

Don’t want me to?! then be honest about why you care so much! Otherwise don’t expect us all to come to your pity party!

POLLY

(PISSED) You wanna know why I give a shit?!

MIRANDA

(ANGRY) Precisely!!

POLLY

IT’S BECAUSE I--!!

ZOE

Neither of you killed him. Oz _chose_ to die.

Everyone stops right there. They all turn to Zoe.

ZOE

I have no clue why you guys are arguing, but you better stop it.

POLLY

H-… how do you—

ZOE

I can read thoughts. I know exactly what Oz was thinking when I ate him. He wasn’t thinking about you, or Miranda, or the school, or anything like that. He was thinking about me.

MIRANDA

That’s…

zoe

The honest truth. It’s why I’m here right now, he gave up his life to give me what he couldn’t have. I’m here because I owe him. What about you? How did you feel about Oz?

BEAT.

MIRANDA

… I wanted to be better friends with him.

POLLY

Miri…

MIRANDA

The entire time I spoke to him, I just antagonized him and tried to take advantage of him… I think the reason I snapped on Polly is because I’m jealous that he liked you. I have no clue if he liked being around me at all… he probably didn’t…

polly

… You know, whenever Oz and I’d talk, he’d always sing your praises.

MIRANDA

He… did?

POLLY

Yeah… He thought you were really talented, and really smart… and despite everything, shockingly kind and sensitive. Crush or whatever aside, I think he might’ve legitimately liked you more than me. You were his first friend, and he always appreciated that.

Miranda looks down and smiles to herself, touched by what Polly’s said.

POLLY

… You know, me and Oz played chess a bunch.

MIRANDA

Is that so?

POLLY

Yeah. He sucked… Haha, oh man, he was terrible. We played 20 times, and he lost all 20. Badly. Vicky, you’re better at chess than he was.

VICKY

R-Really??

POLLY

Yeah. But… He tried. He tried so hard every time. He’d lose, but every time he lost, he’d beg me for a rematch. Honestly… I love chess but, playing with Oz might’ve been the most fun I’ve had in a long time… So, I want to thank you, Miranda. Thanks for talking to him when neither of us wanted to. How he felt about me, and how I feel about him aside… I’m glad I got to know him, and I’m grateful to you for it. I have no doubt he has the same gratitude.

MIRANDA

Well… I certainly hope that’s true.

Polly laughs to herself sadly.

POLLY

We came into his life and just fucked it up… what the hell’s our problem?

MIRANDA

I’d like to know too…

POLLY

We just ran him ragged. And now _we’re_ the ones trying to resurrect him? Why _do_ we want to do that?

VICKY

I think…

The girls turn to Vicky.

VICKY

That might be why? I didn’t really know him that well, but from what I understand… It sounds like you guys just didn’t know better. You want to do right by him now because you regret not doing so before… Isn’t doing it because you regret what you did fine?

Polly and Miranda ponder these words.

POLLY

That just sounds too simple…

MIRANDA

Well, it’s better than what I can come up with. Regret it is, then?

POLLY

Haha, yeah…

ZOE

(LOOKING DOWN) Wow guys… we’re really moving forward.

POLLY

Yeah, I feel like we’ve moved forward a little as people.

MIRANDA

I think I can be a little more honest with myself.

ZOE

Hm? That’s cool. I meant the carriage.

POLLY

Wait—

MIRANDA

-What?!

The roller coaster is indeed moving. It inches forward, little by little, until it’s RIGHT about to go down the drop—

INT. “UNTITLED ROLLER COASTER” LOADING AREA – MEANWHILE

Amira and Vera stand in the roller coaster control room. Amira’s holding down the button to turn up the coaster’s speed.

VERA

Um, is that safe to hold down? I don’t want you to break it before we get to ride it.

AMIRA

Yeah, yeah, I know what I’m doing. I mean, they got this button on here, obviously it won’t hurt to hold this down, right?

VERA

I suppose you’re right…

AMIRA

Park’s closed anyway, we’re just speeding it up ‘cause one of the carriages must’ve been stuck up there or something.

VERA

Here’s hoping no one’s on it.

AMIRA

No way, no one would be that dumb.

EXT. “UNTITLED ROLLER COASTER” – MEANWHILIE

The girls are going through the roller coaster at lightning speed.

ZOE, POLLY, MIRANDA & VICKY

_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH--!!_

The roller coaster starts going so fast that the world blurs in the girls’ field of view. Sound, light and time can no longer reach the girls, as they break through barriers of physics and reality. A drone rings and rises, until it reaches its fever pitch—

EXT. OUTSIDE “UNTITLED ROLLER COASTER”, BEACH – THE NEXT DAY, SUNRISE

Hard cut to a shot of the beach next to the roller coaster. After a beat—

BOOM!

The girls, in their carriage, break through a barrier in space-time and barrel through the sand, forming lines of fire behind them.

The four girls are charred gray. The speed lit them up. They’re all breathing heavily, and those with lungs cough.

They all just look at each other, trying to calm down.

Polly’s the first to notice though:

POLLY

Holy shit… is that the sunrise…?!

Polly points to the rising sun. The girls finally notice it too.

VICKY

You were right… we went forward in time.

POLLY

See?! It’s fucking real!

ZOE

It’s real…

Zoe looks out at the sunrise… surrounded by her dearest friends. Sure, they have their differences… sure some of them argue about stupid things, and sure they annoy her in weird ways sometimes, but…

Zoe looks at her friends, laughing together.

ZOE

Hey…

The girls turn their attention to Zoe.

ZOE

I think I get it.

Zoe gives the girls a genuine smile.

ZOE

I think I really get it… this must be joy.

Zoe looks back at the idyllic rising sun. The girls smile at Zoe, happy from the bottom of their hearts for their friend’s breakthrough.

ZOE

I’m just so happy…

POLLY

Zoe--

ZOE

… That I never have to go on that roller coaster ever again.

BEAT.

Zoe turns back to the girls.

ZOE

(JOYOUS) I want to go home.

POLLY

Yeah, alright, let’s go home.

FADE OUT:

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the last chapter of 2020! Bit of an exposition dump, huh?  
> Just wanted to take a moment to tell everyone keeping up with this story Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year. 2020 was tough for everyone, but getting the chance to spin this yarn for the people of AO3 is certainly one of this cloud's silver linings. And what a yarn it is! 11 chapters in we're already past the 100k words mark. If the script style hasn't put people off I think this length might just do the trick... but that's all the more reason to say just how much I appreciate everyone who takes the time to read this story. As of writing, I'm currently 9 episodes into season 2. I have no idea what the world, or even this story, will be like by the time I'm pressing post on that episode, but I have hope. I'm positive things will get better.
> 
> Once again, thank you all sincerely. I realize this story is an investment, and I am committed to making that investment turn a profit. Emotionally speaking. With good chapters, or at least passable ones.


	12. Polly and Amira Make The Hangover Part IV

FADE IN:

INT. VERA’S HOUSE – EVENING

Let’s just clear this up right off the bat: this isn’t Vera’s _one_ house. This is just one of many, and its no less luxurious than you’d expect from her. Vera has invited roughly 100 percent of the school’s student population for a party, and an incredible number of them have turned up. 

Vera’s handed a microphone by the DJ she hired and tests it out. She addresses the crowd of people who’ve gathered before her.

VERA

Good evening, everyone! Thank you all for coming to my party, or rather, you’re welcome for being allowed in.

The crowd chuckles.

VERA

Stop laughing, that wasn’t a joke.

BEAT.

VERA

If you’re wondering what’s the occasion, the answer my lawyers will give you is that I threw this little shindig to celebrate my first month as the best student council president our school’s ever had. Of course, the reality is that I needed an alibi for tonight and… a lot of witnesses.

The crowd starts laughing again.

VERA

Seriously why are you guys laughing, I haven’t made a single joke thus far. What, do you think we’re on joking terms? Like I’d really be here joking with you losers? Fat chance. I FULLY expect every single one of you to write me a 500-word essay about how thankful you are to be here, MLA format, WITH sources. Anyway, I hope tonight will only further stoke the flames of your undying jealousy toward me, and the prestigious life I lead. Drinks are on the house, Order whatever you want and I’ll pay for it and finally… Party starts when Polly takes her shirt off.

Everyone turns to Polly who drinks on a couch. With one swift motion, Polly removes her shirt. She doesn’t even put her drink down. The party cheers and the DJ puts on a jam right on queue. Vera steps off the stage.

VERA

Have fun everyone! And remember: I was definitely here all night and have nothing to do with any crime that may or may not be occurring at City Hall.

We cut to Polly, shirt back on, who’s still finishing her drink. She drinks the last of it and sighs, relieved.

POLLY

Haha! This is the LIFE! It feels like it’s been FOREVER since I’ve been to a party!

Zoe stands beside her, a little awkward.

ZOE

Well, I’ve _lived_ for forever and _never_ been to a party, so I guess we’re in the same boat… (MUTTERING) I’ve got no idea what to do…

POLLY

Huh? It’s easy: drink something, get high and go dance. (LAUGHING) It’s a party, Z! Don’t overthink this stuff!

AMIRA

She’s right, you know.

Polly and Zoe turn to Amira, who drops onto the couch holding a gold bottle of champagne.

AMIRA

Parties is the easiest shit.

POLLY

(IMPRESSED) Holy shit, Amira what are you drinking right now, girl?!

AMIRA

Oh, this? Just some Ace of Spades.

Amira uses her fire powers around the neck of the champagne to uncork it.

AMIRA

I’m drinkin’ this shit from the bottle! Fuck a cup!

Amira does, in fact, start drinking it straight out of the bottle.

POLLY

Hahaha! Yassss!! Give me some, give me some!

AMIRA

Damn right, get some! Yo, Vera said she was boutta pay for all this shit, so go _crazy!_ Order fuckin’ _whatever_ , I already bought some YSL bags Vera boutta get the invoice for.

pOLLY

Seriously?!

AMIRA

Yeah, ain’t she say “order whatever and I’ll pay for it?”

POLLY

Uh… I think she meant like, Pizza. Or takeout. Not… 2-thousand-dollar Yves Saint Laurent bags.

BEAT.

Amira takes her phone out.

AMIRA

(NERVOUS) Where’s the “cancel order” button…

POLLY

Dude, I didn’t say cancel it! It’s _Vera’s_ fault she was vague! Girl.

Polly takes her phone out too.

POLLY

Vera is about to regret ever throwing this party!

AMIRA

Hahaha! Yessir!

ZOE

Geez, Polly, you really are friends with everyone, huh…

POLLY

Hm? Oh, me and Amira? I don’t know if we’re _friends_ exactly…

ZOE

Huh?!

AMIRA

Yeah, don’t we have like… beef? Last time we spoke I was yellin’ at you. Remember? Dodgeball game?

Polly groans from remembering it.

zoe

Dodgeball?

AMIRA

Don’t worry about it, purple squid girl.

POLLY

Just never say “Dodgeball” around me again, alright…

AMIRA

Same. That said… Me and ghostie here do have some things in common.

POLLY

Really? Like what?

Amira gets up and finishes the whole bottle of Ace of Spades before dropping it on the glass table in front of them.

AMIRA

(EXCITED) We both tryina TURN UP!

POLLY

YAAAAAASS!!

Polly jumps to her feet. The music rises as she does.

MONTAGE – THE TURN UP 

Montage of Amira and Polly getting all the way turnt the fuck up at Vera’s party. During this whole sequence, we don’t hear any of their voices, just the loud music overpowering everything.

A- Amira and Vera right in the middle of the crowd dancing while drinking expensive alcohol right from the bottle. Polly’s drinking two at once.

B- Valerie gets the girls' attention and tries to sell them cocaine. The girls buy it immediately.

C- The girls snort the drugs on a glass table. It hits pretty fast.

D- The girls go back to dancing, they’re a lot wilder than they were previously. They seem to be having a good time, until Valerie gets their attention again, this time trying to sell them some LSD. The girls buy it immediately once again.

E- The girls put the pills in some liquor and drink the concoction with arms intertwined.

F- The girls, now fully wired up, are moshing with the other party goers.

G- Quick cuts of the girls drinking, dancing and taking drugs in various places: the stairs, the pool, the bathroom, etc. Eventually Polly looks to be in pain, wincing and holding her forehead. Amira seems – through the haze of drugs and alcohol – slightly worried. Polly winks at Amira, seemingly getting an idea.

H- Polly gets Valerie’s attention and motions for her to sell her something. Valerie shows her some cocaine – Polly shakes her head no. Valerie puts it back and pulls out some Ecstasy. Polly says no once again. Valerie looks in her jacket and pulls out some rainbow-colored pills in a Ziploc bag. Polly nods vigorously and takes out some money. Valerie seems reluctant to sell her these drugs and draws back a little. Polly raises an eyebrow and presents twice as much money. Valerie’s reluctance immediately disappears.

I- Polly and Amira sit on the couch they sat at before as Polly crushes the pills they bought into a powder with a wine bottle. She makes two lines and motions to Amira. Amira thinks about it for a second… but shrugs. Amira and Polly snort their lines and _immediately_ feel it.

J- The girls start dancing again but it’s clear something’s wrong. The girls hold each other for support. Neither of them is all there.

K- Eventually, Polly wobbles toward a glass table, laughing to herself. Amira tries to stop her, but its too late. Polly trips onto the table and falls right through, shattering it. We close up on Polly’s half-awake face as the music fades to a ringing noise.

END MONTAGE

INT. MALL (?) – MORNING

Polly in the very same position, with the very same half-awake expression, face down in a water fountain. We hear nothing but the sound of the water mechanism for a beat.

From a corner of the frame, a stick appears. It pokes Polly’s face a few times until Polly finally wakes up.

POLLY

(GETTING POKED) Oww…

Polly turns over and immediately winces from the shining sun through the ceiling windows. She then tries to sit up and get her bearings. She swipes away the coins from the bottom of the fountain that stuck to her face as she does so.

Polly appears to be in a mall. People walk by and give her uneasy glances. Finally, she notices Amira, who’s crouched by the fountain holding a stick. She has dark circles under her eyes, same as Polly.

AMIRA

(TIRED) Rise and shine…

POLLY

(GROGGY) Where… How the hell…

Polly tries to get up but is yanked back by something. Polly whips around to see what’s catching her: a pair of handcuffs attached to one of her arms. One side is stuck on Polly, the other is maneuvered through a grate in the fountain. Polly tugs against it, frustrated, for a few moments before managing to wiggle the other side of the cuffs free from the grate. She gets knocked back by the sudden lack of resistance. Polly brings her arm up to inspect it. Indeed: she is handcuffed, if not fully. Polly’s face is etched in worry as she slowly turns from the cuffs to Amira, who seems to get grumpier by the second.

POLLY

(BEWILDERED) What… what happened last night?

AMIRA

No idea. However…

Amira points her stick to behind the fountain. Polly gets up to look.

AMIRA

 _That’s_ probably how the night ended, at least.

Behind the water fountain lies the wreck of a totaled ambulance. The whole front of it is crushed and stuck to a fake tree.

BEAT.

polly

Amira?

AMIRA

Hm?

POLLY

I’m never drinking again.

TITLE: “POLLY AND AMIRA MAKE THE HANGOVER PART IV”

THEME SONG

ACT ONE

EXT. MALL, FOUNTAIN – CONTINUOUS

The girls sit on the side of the fountain, nursing their respective hangovers.

POLLY

We shouldn’t have bought those weird-ass drugs off Valerie…

AMIRA

Is that what you think did it?

POLLY

Obviously! I mean, this level of amnesia is ridiculous! I’ve never TOTALLY BLANKED on a night before!

AMIRA

Relax, P! We turned up that’s all that matters!

Polly

Dude! We can’t just say ‘whatever’ on this: we have _no clue_ what happened at all! What if we did something illegal?!

AMIRA

Uhhhh…

Amira points to the crashed ambulance right behind them.

AMIRA

(LAUGHING) What do you mean ‘what if’? How do you think that shit got there! That’s _obviously_ us!

POLLY

… Alright that’s kinda cool.

AMIRA

It’s dope as hell! We fucked it up!

POLLY

(LAUGHING) Ok, ok, you win. This was cool.

AMIRA

Hell yeah! If only Miranda were here too. I wonder where she went…

BEAT.

Polly slowly turns to Amira.

POLLY

(WORRIED) Amira…?

AMIRA

Hm?

POLLY

What do you mean “If only Miranda were here”? Did Miranda come with us?

amira

Oh! Uhhh, yeah.

POLLY

… _What?_

AMIRA

Geez P, you don’t even remember _that_? Those drugs knocked you _out_ girl, haha--!

POLLY

D-Dude? You’re kidding right? there’s no way Miranda was involved in…

Polly points to the smoldering ambulance.

POLLY

 _That._ Right??

AMIRA

Polly, I might not remember like… _anything_ , but I know for sure Miranda was with us. Otherwise-

Amira pulls a small golden crown from her pocket.

amira

Why would I have this! Heheh, score!

Polly’s eyes go wide immediately. A cold sweat runs down her back.

POLLY

(PANICKING) Oh shit… _Ohhhh_ shit, Oh shit, we’re so fucked.

AMIRA

Polly, relax! What’s got you so—

POLLY

(SNAPPING) We can’t relax right now, man! Do you know what’s going on right now?! we're in fucking DANGER, dude!

AMIRA

(CONFUSED) From what! This hangover’s bad, but—

polly

Amira, you don’t know where Miranda’s from, do you?

AMIRA

Where? Uh… from fuckin’, fish kingdom, right? Fishpeople place?

POLLY

Wrong: Miranda’s from hell, if hell was like, two times worse than it is. If those people find out we have her crown – and not _her_ attached to it – they’ll have both of our heads.

AMIRA

U-Uhh—

POLLY

I mean it, the Vanderbilts are no joke. They’re gonna make us _both_ wish we were dead.

AMIRA

Polly, aren’t you already dead?

POLLY

(PANICKED) Yeah! And I’m STILL this scared, so you that ought to tell you something! We have to find Miranda and give her back the crown before those scaly sociopaths get their hands on us!

AMIRA

Alright, alright, _fine…_ stop yellin’ at me, you’re making my headache like _twice_ as bad…

POLLY

Stop talking and get a move on while you still _have_ a head to ache…

INT. MALL, COFFEE SHOP – LATER

The girls sit at a table, discussing their next move. Amira looks at her coffee cup and clicks her tongue. Her name is written as “Amyre.”

polly

I tried calling Miranda. Didn’t pick up.

AMIRA

Same for me. I called Vera too, says she hasn’t seen Miranda since she ended up with us.

POLLY

Wait, you’ve got Vera’s number?

AMIRA

Uh, yeah? Don’t you?

POLLY

No? She still hasn’t given me hers, she usually just throws an opaque bag over my head and drags me into an unmarked van if she needs something.

Amira seems a little proud of herself after knowing this.

POLLY

Alright, if we want to find Miranda, we need clues. What did you wake up with? Anything’ll help.

AMIRA

I woke up with a stick.

Amira raises the stick.

BEAT.

POLLY

Is that it?

AMIRA

Yep. I mean that and the crown. so… Oh and:

Amira pulls a picture of Vera in a nightgown from her pocket.

AMIRA

Don’t know where I got this, but… (MUTTERING) Shit, I’m not complaining…

POLLY

Geez… I know you like Vera, but this is a little ridiculous.

Amira blushes.

AMIRA

Wh-What’d you say?!

POLLY

That you like Vera. It’s literally so obvious it hurts. I’m in physical pain over it.

Amira looks as though she’s about to protest but gives up – half due to the hangover and half due to how lame it’d be if she kept going “nuh-uh” at Polly.

AMIRA

(EMBARASSED) Wh-whatever, enough about this. Back to Miranda.

POLLY

(TEASING) Wow, you accepted that quick, didn’t you?

amira

(FRUSTRATED) Shut it, we’re not talking about this anymore.

POLLY

I don’t know, this is pretty interesting…

Amira drinks more coffee, obviously trying to silence this line of questioning.

POLLY

(DISSAPOINTED) Tsk. (THINKING) If we’re talking clues, I don’t have many besides… well…

Polly raises her right arm. The handcuffs are still attached to it.

POLLY

So, I guess we must’ve had an encounter with the police? Aside from that…

Polly raises her left arm and pulls back her sleeve a little. She’s wearing a hospital wristband.

AMIRA

So… we must’ve gone to a hospital?

POLLY

(WORRIED) That’s the only explanation, but…

AMIRA

What’s up?

POLLY

I’m just wondering…

Polly raises her left sleeve all the way, to reveal she’s wearing… 5 more hospital wristbands.

POLLY

Why do I have _six?_ Do hospitals even _give_ this many?

AMIRA

I guess we’re about to find out! If you got so many bands, we must’ve gone there like a million times. They’re _bound_ to know something about Miranda, right?

POLLY

I guess so? I mean, all these medical bands are from the same place. Also, there’s that ambulance…

AMIRA

Uhh, let’s not mention that. That never happened! Come on let’s bounce before they find out that was us.

EXT. OUTSIDE MONSTROPOLIS GENERAL HOSPITAL – LATER

Cut to Amira and Polly in front of the hospital. Both of them are wearing shades, to hide their weary, sensitive eyes from the sun. Before entering, they stand at the door for a while. After a bit, Polly turns to Amira a little.

POLLY

Um… Amira?

AMIRA

Hm?

POLLY

Aren’t you gonna… go in?

AMIRA

Yeah, in a sec, it’s just…

Amira takes the picture of Vera from her pocket and inspects it.

AMIRA

Like, why the hell do I have this? For real, did I _buy_ this?

POLLY

I’m pretty sure that’s from the “Ladies of Spooky High” picture set Valerie made for valentine’s day last year, to capitalize on all the lonely dudes and gals who’d pay big money to have a polaroid of me or Miranda or any of the girls in our class.

AMIRA

So you’re saying I definitely bought this?

POLLY

What I’m _saying_ , if you’d let me finish, is that that’s the 1-of-1 Vera prototype picture that Vera made Valerie throw out since it was too suggestive, so the fact that you have a picture of her that you _literally_ cannot buy is only further proof that you have a big fat crush on her.

BEAT.

Amira puts the picture back in her pocket and heads for the door.

AMIRA

… Let’s go in.

Polly bursts out laughing.

INT. MONSTROPOLIS GENERAL HOSPITAL, LOBBY – CONTINUOUS

The girls enter the hospital. Polly stops Amira before she can open the inner door.

POLLY

Amira! Why do you keep being so defensive about this? It’s not a big deal!

Amira

I’m not _defensive_ , you’re just _wrong_ and I don’t have the energy to correct you every time you bring this bullshit up!

POLLY

Of course I’m gonna bring it up! I mean, sue me for being interested in Amira’s crush!

AMIRA

Let me make this clear: I do not… will not… will never and have never considered, or had, or thought of having a crush on _anyone._ That shit’s lame as hell.

POLLY

Really?

AMIRA

Really.

POLLY

You’ve really _never_ had a _single_ person you’ve thought of that way?

Amira pauses.

AMIRA

… No.

POLLY

 _Ha!_ You paused, you totally paused! You thought of someone right there! It’s Vera, right?? Tell me!

AMIRA

… Wh-Whatever--

POLLY

We’re not whatever-ing that, you’re telling me, right now!

AMIRA

Oh, you want me to tell you so bad? Alright, Let’s do it like this, then: You can ask me anything, BUT. As soon as you do, I get to ask you anything. And I fuckin’ mean _anything_. I’m comin’ after your deepest darkest mother fuckin’ secrets, ok? That’s the price if you wanna ask me that stupid “crush” shit, got it?

Polly pouts. She mulls it over.

AMIRA

Not up to it? Figured.

Amira enters the hospital, followed by Polly.

POLLY

Hey, at least give me the chance to (TRAILING OFF) answer…

What they find in the Hospital Lobby stuns Polly and Amira. It’s dead silent, and everyone – _everyone_ – in it stares at the girls, unfathomably frightened and horrified.

AMIRA

Uh…

POLLY

What’s going on…?

A nurse in a corner of the room starts hyperventilating.

PANICKED NURSE

They’re back…! (YELLING, TO EVERYONE) THEY’RE BACK!!

Everybody in the lobby – meaning nurses, doctors, janitors, the receptionist – pulls out guns of various sizes and calibers and aims them at Polly and Amira.

The girls throw their hands up.

ACT TWO

INT. MONSTROPOLIS GENERAL HOSPITAL LOBBY – CONTINUOUS

In case you forgot from two sentences ago, the girls are currently being held at gunpoint by roughly 20 to 30 armed medical workers.

AMIRA

(ARMS RAISED, FRIGHTENED) What the fuck?! What the hell are you guys doing?!

polly

(ARMS RAISED, FRIGHTENED) Y-yeah! Whatever happened to “Do No Harm”—

PANICKED NURSE

Sh-SHUT UP! We don’t wanna see _EITHER_ of you two back here!

POLLY

What the hell?! What if I’m sick?!

PANICKED NURSE

WE’RE NOT JOKING! You take ONE more step here and we’re calling the police!

AMIRA

CHILL THE FUCK OUT! You’re seriously gonna call the _police_ over two girls just _entering_ your hospital?! Put those guns down and we’ll leave, okay?!

POLLY

What?! What are you talking about, Amira?! We’re not leaving before we find out--

Everybody in the lobby cocks their gun. Polly jumps back.

AMIRA

Alright – WE COME IN PEACE! WE DO NOT WANT TO FUCK UP Y’ALLS VIBE OR WORK, WE JUST WANT TO ASK SOME QUESTIONS! SEND A REPRESENTATIVE! WE WILL BE WAITING OUTSIDE! (TO POLLY) Come on, P.

Amira and Polly walk out of the hospital. The hospital workers look amongst each other for a beat.

EXT. OUTSIDE MONSTROPOLIS GENERAL HOSPITAL – A LITTLE LATER

Cut to outside the hospital, where Polly and Amira stare down at the “representative” the hospital has sent. The mediator if you will.

A literal mantis in a tiny nurse outfit.

BEAT.

POLLY

There’s no way this thing can actually talk right?

AMIRA

Yeah, they’re just fucking with us.

MANTIS

I assure you, I am _quite_ capable of speech.

Polly and Amira throw their eyebrows up.

MANTIS

Pardon? I was under the impression you needed to ask questions?

polly

Well… I guess God works in mysterious ways?

AMIRA

Yo, bug.

MANTIS

My name is Giselle.

POLLY

Giselle, can you please help us? We’re trying to find our friend.

GISELLE

Your friend… you mean the merperson from last night?

AMira

You saw Miranda?!

POLLY

So, we really _did_ come here last night…

GISELLE

Well _that’s_ an understatement… you guys came here 8 times.

POLLY

Eight?!

giselle

We only opened the door for you the first 7. After that, we called the police.

POLLY

Giselle, I’m sorry to bother you like this but could you please tell us what we were doing here? We don’t, um…

AMIRA

We don’t remember shit from last night.

POLLY

What she said.

GISELLE

You don’t remember anything, huh… that’s unfortunate. Thankfully, my memory is pristine.

AMIRA

Wait, seriously? How good is a _bug’s_ memory--?

GISELLE

(FAST) At exactly 12:16 AM, the both of you along with a pink merperson stumbled into our hospital, reeking of alcohol. You slurred all your words, but what little we understood suggested you wanted, and I quote, “All the vaccines”. We gave you basic coverage since you were so insistent – along with the fact that your friend here, what’s your name?

AMIRA

A-Amira—

GISELLE

(INTERRUPTING, FAST) Amira was unvaccinated which is extremely unwise, and perplexing since the mayor made it mandatory for high schools to offer vaccines to kids in their second or third years… regardless, we vaccinated you all and gave you a medical band. That’s the first one you have, the red one. 44 minutes and 16 seconds later you all stumbled back in here, all crying and claiming that you, what’s your name again?

POLLY

Pol—

GISELLE

(INTERRUPTING, FAST) Polly, that’s right – the three of you claimed Polly was pregnant. She was not. We managed to drag you out after convincing you – very arduously, I might add – that ghosts cannot get pregnant, since they are dead and cannot sustain life, as they have none. On account of the death. 9 minutes later you busted back in here with a baby of unknown origin claiming, and I quote directly, “Polly went into labour real quick, and now she a mom n shit [sic]. I don’t wanna be no, fuckin’ auntie so y’all better take this kid”.

POLLY

Wow, I wonder who said that…

GISELLE

(FAST) Amira did. Although she and the merperson begged us take the child off your hands – we also wanted to return it to its rightful owner – Polly still clung unto it as though it were really hers. I personally tried to convince you that its impossible for you to have given birth in 9 minutes, to which you very cogently replied that “Anything is possible with the power of love”. You then vomited roughly 20 fluid ounces of waste and passed out. We returned the child to its very worried mother and gave you a cold towel, and your second medical band. You left for about half an hour and came back once again, armed to the teeth, claiming you were tired of the hospital “hoarding all the health” and that you’d “redistribute the health to everybody”. You then vomited, again, and passed out, again, we gave you a towel and another band, that’s your third. The fourth was because you all tried sneaking into the hospital through one of the windows and Amira attempted the spy maneuver where you hang onto the underside of a trolley – you failed immediately, and the janitor rolled over your head and arms. We gave you a band aid and another medical band. Polly stole the medical band off of you, screaming that she was “starting a collection” and that the one we gave you was “a limited edition.” It was not. The fifth time you returned was about 15 minutes later, you snuck into the wing where the kids are administered overnight care and woke all of them up, claiming that you were “Reverse Santa” and that you’d “Tell Santa you’re naughty if you don’t give me a gift right now”. It took us all night to calm all the kids down, during which you returned two more times. The first, you tried to box the director, calling him a “big baby bitch”, and lost immediately because you got so scared of being punched you fainted – medical band five. The second, you came in and said “the vaccines wore off, give me more vaccines, mommy’s not gonna catch no fuckin’ smallpox”. The director knocked you out because he was still angry at the last time when you called him a “big baby bitch” – medical band six. The very last time you returned, the director said you were outlawed and made us call the police.

LONG BEAT.

GISELLE

What I’d like to ask you guys is how was any of that fun? I’ve never done drugs recreationally before so I wouldn’t know, but is it exciting to bother medical professionals trying to save lives? Working through the night on very little sleep?

LONG BEAT.

POLLY

Uh… sorry.

AMIRA

Yeah, sorry.

GISELLE

As long as you understand… we handed it over to the police, its not really our place to forgive or not.

POLLY

So, we got arrested after… all that?

GISELLE

You should’ve been arrested a lot earlier, but the director was personally hurt by that comment you made. The call was motivated by that. Incidentally, He took a day off today to recover from the psychological damage.

POLLY

Wow, seriously? Drunk me was right, that guy _IS_ a big baby bitch.

GISELLE

Actually, it might’ve been the pink one who said that…

AMIRA

 _Miranda_ said “bitch”?!

GISELLE

All three of you were severely inebriated at the time, I’d chalk up any inconsistencies in character to that.

POLLY

We sort of got off track, but… Miranda. Was she with us when we were arrested?

GISELLE

Indeed. They ushered her into the car with you two.

AMIRA

Shit… We might have to head to the police station then. 

POLLY

I hate the police as much as the next gal, but if its for our survival we’ve gotta do it. (TO GISELLE) Thank you Giselle. Sorry we made fun of you being a bug.

GISELLE

No worries, it was accurate. I _am_ a bug.

EXT. OUTSIDE MONSTROPOLIS 666th PRECINCT – LATER

Amira and Polly stand before the police station. For a while.

AMIRA

You go in first.

POLLY

No, no, you go in first.

AMIRA

No, I insist, go in.

POLLY

I actually think you should be the one to go in.

AMIRA

As a matter of fact, I think you’ll find that it’d be a lot more advisable if YOU were the one to-

POLLY

(INTERRUPTING) Amira, do you have a crush on Vera?

AMIRA

That’s gonna be your _one_ question, you sure that’s the one you want?

POLLY

Why, is there something juicier I can ask?

AMIRA

I assure you whatever you ask it’s finna be boring, I’m just making sure since you change your fuckin’ mind every second—

POLLY

Actually, I change my mind I don’t wanna ask that.

AMIRA

See?

POLLY

I wanna ask something super juicy. Like, “what’s your deepest, darkest secret” or “What’s a genre of music you’re embarrassed you like” or “do you have a crush on Vera” …

AMIRA

(UNDER HER BREATH) I _don’t_ have a crush on Vera…

POLLY

Or, here’s a good one: “who do you think you’re fooling saying you don’t have a crush on someone you obviously have a crush on?”

AMIRA

I don’t! Don’t say shit like that!

POLLY

Yeah, yeah… I’ll go in first. Just ‘cause you’re being so cute right now.

AMIRA

(FLUSTERED, ANGRY) I’m not cute…

Polly chuckles to herself and goes to open the front door of the police station, but before she can, a burly, bear-like, yet non-bear related bugbear police officer swings it open. He stares down at the girls with a fierce expression.

POLICE OFFICER

 _You_ two…!

The color drains from Polly and Amira’s faces. The police officer picks both of the girls up and slings them over his shoulder before entering the station.

INT. INSIDE 666TH PRECINCT – CONTINUOUS

The bugbear kicks open the door to the precinct and steps out into the office. Polly and Amira look around worried.

BUGBEAR

EVERYONE!

Every police officer in the station stops dead in their tracks after the bugbear’s thunderous roar.

BUGBEAR

(JOYOUS) THEY’RE BACK!!

The entire station erupts in cheers. Orcs and trolls alike all yell in solidarity, of sheer jubilation at the return of Polly and Amira.

Polly and Amira are somehow _MORE_ confused than when they were held up by nurses just earlier today… but only for a moment. Before long they start getting kind of bashful and flattered at the police officers’ cheering.

Cut to the girls sharing drinks in the police station. The bugbear joins them, along with a werewolf cop. Polly does a spit take.

POLLY

W-We did _what?!_

BUGBEAR COP

Seriously! You know, we thought betting dropping all charges on you guys against all the money you had would be the easiest 500 dollars we ever made but lo and behold: You guys apprehended one of the city’s most vicious criminals in FIFTEEN MINUTES! I have no clue how you guys found the midtown slasher so fast but we’re _grateful,_ we’d been chasing that guy for _decades!_ My captain was working that case since way back in the _80s_!

WEREWOLF COP

It’s been forty years… and all it took was three drunk girls to apprehend one of Monstropolis’ worst. (RELIEVED) To think I’d see the day…

AMIRA

Your boss has been looking for that guy for 40 years?! Uhh… (LAUGHING) S-Sorry?

BUGBEAR

Why are you apologizing? He was the happiest amongst all of us.

WEREWOLF

He wanted to make you three honorary police officers, actually. You all refused… what a shame.

POLLY

It _is_ a shame… now that I’m sober I _totally_ would’ve wanted to be a police officer.

AMIRA

We really did all that for no reward? Drunk me is a real dumbass…

BUGBEAR

Actually, we insisted: we gave you three any one wish you wanted.

POLLY

Ooooh! What did we end up getting?

BUGBEAR

Well, (TO POLLY) _you_ wanted to be tased.

POLLY

I wanted to be _what?!_

WEREWOLF

Hahaha! I remember that: you took my taser and started shocking yourself in the head over and over again like—BZZ! BZZ! BZZ! BZZ! Haha…

BEAT.

WEREWOLF

(SERIOUS) It was extremely unsafe and we were very, very worried. We called an ambulance for you. (POINTING TO AMIRA)She came with you. That’s the last we saw of either of you last night.

POLLY

(DREADING) A-An ambulance, huh…

AMIRA

That explains _one_ thing, at least…

POLLY

Wait a second. If we got in the ambulance… and Miranda was with us, then—

BUGBEAR

Miranda, you mean the pink one? She wasn’t with you guys at all, she left pretty early actually.

AMIRA

She left?! Do you guys know where?!

WEREWOLF

The pink girl in the crown asked for a cop car.

POLLY

… And you guys just _gave_ her a cop car?

BUGBEAR

We were drunk. It was a party!

POLLY

Understandable, Carry on.

WEREWOLF

She got in the car and drove it east. She hasn’t been back since.

AMIRA

Well that’s just great… after all this time, our hint is _“East”._ Half the damn PLANET is in that direction!

BUGBEAR

Wait, what’s going on? Are you guys looking for her or something?

POLLY

Exactly. We’re trying to find that girl… but you just said she went “east” so—

werewolf

Hey! You should’ve led with that! We can totally help you guys.

POLLY

Really?!

WEREWOLF

Definitely! Hold on-

The werewolf beckons a young looking Gnoll who was passing by.

WEREWOLF

Hey, rookie. Could you give me a location on a police vehicle? ID 4009-DH90.

gnoll

Right away, sir!

The gnoll scrambles to his desk, and types at lightning speed. After a ding rings out – these computers must be old – he returns with printed information.

GNOLL

(HURRIED) Location of police vehicle ID 4009-DH90, sir!

WEREWOLF

Thank you very much. (LOOKING AT PRINTOUT) Oh, wow.

The werewolf shows the printout to the bugbear, who shares his surprise.

BUGBEAR

That’s…

bugbear

Right?

POLLY

Where is she?

BUGBEAR

Uhhh… all the way east. Out of the city – she’s in the desert.

AMIRA

Oh, the desert. That’s not too bad—

POLLY

The DESERT?!

amira

W-woah! Calm down, P! It’s just the desert… (REALIZING) And Miranda’s a fish. Ok, this might be bad.

POLLY

We don’t have time to waste. Could you guys—

The Bugbear throws Amira a pair of keys.

BUGBEAR

Don’t bother bringin’ ‘em back.

AMIRA

Woah… for real? You’re just _giving_ me this?

BUGBEAR

Don’t see why not! We’re friends, aren’t we?

POLLY

Yep, we sure are.

BEAT.

POLLY

What are your names, again?

The cops burst out laughing.

BUGBEAR

He’s Gauss.

GAUSS

He’s Ozig. He doesn’t need the car, he just rides with me. Put it to good use, you hear? That merperson you lost is a hero.

Polly thanks the men profusely. Amira turns and heads off to go start the car, but Polly sticks around. She turns back to the men.

POLLY

Can I ask you guys something?

EXT. DESERT ROAD – LATER

A cop car rides through the desert.

Inside, Amira, the driver, silently adjusts the rear-view mirror and Polly rests her arm on the windowsill. They stay quiet for a long while.

BEAT.

POLLY

… Hey what if we just didn’t say anything the whole time?

AMIRA

(LAUGHING) Just stayed awkwardly quiet? I was literally just thinking the same thing!

POLLY

Haha!

AMIRA

Like… Just us driving for 5 hours, totally silent.

POLLY

Imagine how boring that’d be. Just… _driving_ for that long.

AMIRA

Yep… for sure.

They fall silent again for another while.

POLLY

Today was pretty crazy, huh?

AMIRA

I guess you could say that. Didn’t think I’d be hearing about a night I spent _after_ the fact.

POLLY

And in so much detail too!

AMIRA

Yeah, I was about to say that: why are we meeting so many people with pristine memories?!

POLLY

Haha! Exactly, it’s so weird!

AMIRA

Yeah…

POLLY

Yep…

BEAT.

POLLY

So…

AMIRA

Yeah? You see Miri out there?

POLLY

No, I just… came up with my question.

AMIRA

(UNENTHUSIASTIC) Ahh shit. Here we go again… Alright, shoot. What do you wanna know? If I have a crush on Vera or not?

POLLY

No, not that.

AMIRA

Then, what?

POLLY

… Are you hiding something?

AMIRA

Excuse me?

POLLY

I don’t know when I realized it… maybe from the start. I feel like you’re hiding stuff from us. From everybody.

AMIRA

Wh-… What gave you _that_ impression?

POLLY

Maybe it’s because I’m sober so I’m being overly conscious about everything… but stuff about you gets weird when you think about it. Like… the vaccination thing.

AMIRA

S-So? I didn’t get vaxxed, it happens.

POLLY

But Giselle said it was mandatory. I got my shots 2 years ago, didn’t you? How’d you avoid that?

Amira doesn’t answer.

POLLY

… It was bothering me all day. Before I knew it, I started thinking about the weird stuff surrounding you, like that no one knows anything about what school you went to before coming to ours… Or that you never eat in the cafeteria… You wear that same outfit a _lot…_ Your gym clothes are tight like you didn’t buy them for your size… You don’t have any of our textbooks… I’ve never seen you use a phone until recently…

AMIRA

Why’re you thinkin’ that weird shit about me? Kinda creepy don’t you think?

Amira’s hand tightens around the steering wheel.

pOLLY

And that’s when I asked the police officers what you wanted from them after we caught that killer.

Amira panics a little.

AMIRA

Y-You asked them?

POLLY

After you left. I was just curious, they didn’t mention what you wanted and I thought it’d be something cute, like a cop hat or pictures of Vera. But apparently… you asked to be taken off parole.

Amira gulps. Polly stares at Amira accusingly.

POLLY

(SERIOUS) Amira… why were you on parole--?

AMIRA

(INTERRUPTING) I-I have a crush on Vera!

Polly stops talking. Her expression hardens. Amira puts on an affable expression.

AMIRA

(CHEERFUL, FAKING) … I have a crush on Vera! H-Haha, I admit it, I admit it you got me… I like her and stuff. Arghh! Y’got me!

Polly keeps staring at her. Amira sweats a little.

AMIRA

U-uhh… H-Here’s a BIG secret, y-you wanna know what type of monster I am?

Polly doesn’t react.

AMIRA

I’m… I’m actually a spirit. That’s what my sis-- (CATCHING HERSELF) my _legal guardian_ told me. I’m a fire spirit. See? We got more in common than you think! H-Haha…

Amira gives Polly a glance. Polly’s expression just bleeds the fact that Polly sees right through this obvious deflection. More than that, she’s almost in awe at how desperately she’s trying to deflect a question she didn’t even get to ask. Amira’s nervous pretense finally falls, and she turns back toward the road, dead silent.

Polly tries to coax an answer out of her, but Amira refuses to look back at her. Polly gives up, sighing.

POLLY

Bet you’d have told me if I were Vera…

AMIRA

(FLUSTERED) WH-?! I’m not hiding anything, ok?! Drop it!

POLLY

You couldn’t be more obviously hiding, like a _trillion_ things. News flash: you suck _ass_ at hiding shit! You said you had a crush on Vera like that was a big secret!

AMIRA

Th-That was a big secret! 

POLLY

It was not. I actually think your _birthday_ would be a less conspicuous secret than you having a crush on Vera. It’s on zodiac sign level, of sheer banality.

AMIRA

What do you— (LOOKING AWAY) What do you _mean_ —

POLLY

See?? Exactly like that! You know what that face you just made says? It says “I’d buy a Vera body pillow if she sold some” – She does, by the way, I’ll send you the link when I get Wi-Fi.

AMIRA

I don’t _WANT_ a… I-I don’t like Vera, ok?!

POLLY

Amira… I’m going to do you a favor and ignore the extremely, and I mean _extremely_ , obvious course correction you just did in that sentence where you tried saying you didn’t want a Vera body pillow, then realized you DID, and switched targets halfway through.

BEAT.

AMIRA

Doesn’t _sound_ like you’re ignoring it…

POLLY

Amira… I _get_ being secretive. I’m secretive too! I have stuff I wouldn’t want _anybody_ to know. You have a _right_ to privacy. But a word of advice: get better at hiding secrets before you decide to have so many of them.

Amira looks a little more frustrated than she did a second ago.

POLLY

I’m not going to tell anyone about this. About our conversation.

AMIRA

Ain’t that nice…

POLLY

It’s how I’d like to be treated if I were in your shoes… so treat me like that too.

Polly turns back to the road. She looks troubled.

POLLY

Because truth be told… I’m already wearing them.

Amira slams on the brakes.

POLLY

Wha—what the hell?!

AMIRA

I found her.

POLLY

You found--?!

Polly freezes as soon as she sees it. A little ways away from the girls lies the wreckage of a cop car.

POLLY

(HORRIFIED) Oh… shit.

ACT THREE

INT. DESERT ROAD, WRECKAGE OF POLICE VEHICLE – CONTINUOUS

Polly and Amira rush out of the car and run toward the wreckage. As they approach their horrified expressions only intensify.

POLLY

(FRIGHTENED) No way, no way, no way--

The girls finally reach the wreckage and their hearts just… drop. The front of the car is caved in completely. The windshield is shattered, a massive cactus protruding through it on the driver’s side.

A pool of blood gathers on the ground behind it. A pink, scaly hand hangs limply out of the driver’s side door.

Polly drops to her knees.

POLLY

(INCREDULOUS) … Miranda…?

Amira pulls out a cigarette and a lighter. She places the cigarette to her lips with trembling hands, and with those same hands, keeps trying to light it, over and over again. She just can’t seem to do it.

There’s a vacuous look in her eyes. Meanwhile, tears come to Polly’s.

POLLY

(CRYING) Miri…! MIRANDA!!

Amira gets so frustrated with her cigarette that she spits it to the ground and stomps on it over and over again. She’s clearly extremely distraught. Polly sobs quietly.

Amira finally calms down and drops to the ground as well, head in her hands. It seems it’s the end of the line—

THREATENING VOICE

(O.S.) End o’ the line.

The sound of a gun being cocked springs from behind the girls.

THREATENING VOICE

(O.S.) On yer feet, outlaws. Put yer hands up ‘fore I shoot ya.

Polly and Amira are too rattled from the carnage in front of them to protest. They get to their feet and put their hands behind their heads. Polly and Amira give each other weary looks.

We see the shadow of the person that’s snuck up beside them. The figure seems to be a girl on a horse wearing a cowboy hat. She chews the stick of wheat in her mouth before speaking.

THREATENING VOICE

(O.S.) To think I’d see outlaws so soon… A sheriff’s work sure is cut out for ‘er.

POLLY

You’re a sheriff? Like, a Police officer?

SHERIFF

(O.S.) Sumn’ like that. ‘Round these parts, I’m the closest you can get to law n’ order.

AMIRA

Why are you holding _us_ up? We ain’t do nothin’.

SHERIFF

(O.S.) That’s what they all say…

POLLY

No, we’re serious! We were just… (SADDENED) we were just looking for our friend.

The shadow seems to pause at those words.

SHERIFF

(O.S.) ‘Friends’, huh… I remember I had some once too. Coupla gals not much different from you two… Swell girls, them both.

AMIRA

(EMPATHETIC) What happened to them?

SHERIFF

(O.S.) Same thing that happens to everyone in these parts.

POLLY

Did they die…?

SHERIFF

(O.S.) Who knows… I woke one day and saw both of ‘em gone.

These words trigger something in Amira. Against her better judgement she peeks behind her to see the sheriff and her eyes go wide. Not from shock… but from trying to hold back laughter.

SHERIFF

(O.S.) Since then, I been riding the western winds with nothin’ but my steed and my trusty six-shooter. All a girl needs to survive ‘round here.

Amira turns back to Polly, who’s looking down, forlorn, and motions for her to look back. She peeks too… and all her sadness disappears. Hilarity replaces it. Hilarity she does her hardest to barely contain.

SHERIFF

(O.S.) Yep. I’ve been alone all this time…

Amira and Polly turn to face the Sheriff. As they do, backed by the shining sun, we see… who the sheriff is.

SHERIFF

That’s why they call me…

It’s Miranda doing a southern accent.

MIRANDA

“Lone-Star” Miran…

Miranda notices the girls have turned around. She notices the girls are Polly and Amira. She notices she’s been going on and on in a cowboy outfit, with a cowboy accent, cowboy-ing at two girls who know _exactly_ how un-cowboy she actually is.

Her face goes beet red.

MIRANDA

(EMBARASSED) …da…

The girls just stare at each other in complete silence.

INT. ‘WILD’ WESTWOOD TOWN, SALOON - LATER

Hard cut to the girls sitting around a table in a saloon. Miranda sits, uncomfortable, on one side of the table, shifting her weight and avoiding Polly and Amira’s gazes.

Polly has both her arms on the table and Amira has both her legs up. They’re both looking at Miranda with wide grins.

BEAT.

MIRANDA

Um… so… before I say anything… p-please don’t tell anyone I did all that.

POLLY

(SIMULTANEOUS) We’re telling everybody.

AMIRA

(SIMULTANEOUS) We’re telling everyone.

MIRANDA

(PLEADING) I BEG of you! Please, please don’t tell a single soul! I’d die on the spot— I-I’d faint and die in an INSTANT if this got out!

AMIRA

(IMMITATING) “I’m tha closest ya get to law n’ order round these parts”.

Polly bursts out laughing while Miranda cringes.

AMIRA

(LAUGHING) Hold on, hold on, what was… What was the name? That broke ass cowboy name you gave us?

POLLY

(WHEEZING) L-… “Lone-star” Miranda!

MIRANDA

(EMBARASSED) S-s-s-STOP IT!!

Polly laughs herself under the table. Miranda hides her face in shame.

MIRANDA

(EMBARASSED) Stop making fun of me! It’s not my fault things turned out this way, I’m CLUELESS! I woke up like this, and-… and I wanna know why I have a cowboy hat too!!

Polly finally recovers. She gets up and walks over to Miranda. Miranda gives Polly a shy, confused glance – which turns to surprise when Polly picks Miranda up and gives her a big hug.

POLLY

Miri…!

MIRANDA

I-u-ummm… wh-what am I meant to feel here?

POLLY

(COMFORTING) Sorry we made fun of you, ok? Please forgive us.

Miranda makes as though to protest but relents when Polly starts petting her head. She reddens a bit and pouts.

MIRANDA

Don’t make fun of me like that… I’ll have you executed…

POLLY

No, you won’t.

MIRANDA

(RELIEVED, SWEETLY) … No, I won’t.

amira

Ok! Nice, sweet moment right here. All’s well that ends well, right? We found Miranda, we grew as people, let’s go the FUCK back home and forget last night and today ever happened.

MIRANDA

You needn’t ask me to forget… I can’t seem to rightly recall it…

POLLY

You forgot last night too, Miri?

MIRANDA

Indeed… Last I remember, I was doing the Groovy Moussaka at Vera’s party—

POLLY

the _what--?_

MIRANDA

And then one thing led to another… which led to something else, and so on and so forth until I woke up on a horse.

AMIRA

You woke up--?

miranda

On a steed, yes. The one I have stationed outside. After that I wandered around and ended up here. For some reason they started calling me the sheriff… I believe the horse I was on belonged to this town’s chief officer of the law at some point.

POLLY

So _that’s_ why you did all that sheriff stuff… I mean, I’m guessing the _main_ reason you did all that was because you thought it’d be fun, right?

Miranda nods shyly.

POLLY

Right. But where’s the _real_ sheriff?

MIRANDA

Hopefully, dead. I don’t want to have to return this hat.

POLLY

Well… I guess I’m glad her story’s just as weird as ours.

AMIRA

That still doesn’t explain the wreck in the desert, though…

MIRANDA

Oh. That was my body double-double serf. The body double I had of the body double I lost.

AMIRA

Wouldn’t that just—

MIRANDA

I’ll stop you right there before you commit some manner of heresy – I _refuse_ to accept that cheap facsimile as a body double of mine. She is a troll compared to me, I mean, her nose is 1 millimeter _wider!_ And that’s _nothing_ to say of the width of her _wrists—_

amira

Good, no need to say anything about them, I got it. (GETTING UP) Alright? Is all the exposition done? Can we finally get the fuck out of this place? Yo, ex- (SITTING UP) Explain to me why this mother fuckin’ town is like this, man. What is this wild west ass town doing hours from a modern metropolis? They got a guy out there in a god damn barrel. Naked underneath it, just wearin’ a barrel, bro, go to--(YELLING AT MAN) BRO! GO TO H&M THEY GOT A SALE! YOU AIN’T GOTTA BE NAKED!

POLLY

I was about to ask, the culture is just _strange…_ I mean we have iPhones now, we can’t have iPhones AND Saloons, can we?

MIRANDA

What’s the problem? I think it’s quaint that they’re so dedicated to the period. It’s quite a lot of fun to pretend to be a cowboy!

AMIRA

Yeah I’m sure it is, Lone Star Miranda.

MIRANDA

No, but the name was quite cool. You must admit.

As Amira’s about to protest the claim that the name was cool, the guy in the bankruptcy barrel from earlier comes rushing into the saloon.

BARREL GUY

E-ERRBODY?! LONG-ARM’S COMIN’!

The whole saloon stirs at the name.

WAITRESS

Johnny “Long-Arm” Jones?! That _scoundrel’s_ headed to “Wild” Westwood?!

PATRON #1

Phooey! I don’t buy that malarkey one bit! Ain’t no way Johnny “Long-Arm” Jones would come to a town like this!

PATRON #2

Yeah! I reckon Thompson “The Barrel” Smith’s just lyin’ so he can get at the Saloon’s coffers!

SALOON OWNER

Thompson “The Barrel” Smith, is that true?! How dare you lie about Johnny “Long-Arm” Jones comin’ to “Wild” Westwood to get at the money I, Margaret “Margaretti” Whitfield, hid in this Saloon, the “Copious Quotations” Bar and Tavern (and Saloon)!

BEAT.

SALOON OWNER

How many quotations was that, ten?

PATRON #1

I reckon that’s a new record.

Thompson “The Barrel” Smith

I ain’t lyin’! Long-arm is comin’ for sure! I saw his horse!

The saloon vocalizes its worry at this news.

MARGARET “MARGARETTI” WHITFIELD

My stars, this is bad… Where’s the sheriff?!

The whole saloon turns to Miranda. Miranda starts politely waving to everyone like she’s on parade out of habit.

POLLY

Miri, they want you to do work.

MIRANDA

(STILL WAVING) Tell them I’m allergic.

SALOON PATRON #2

Yer the sheriff ain’t ya, girlie?

Miranda stops waving and displays her innermost frustration on her face for just an instant before seamlessly replacing it with a business smile.

MIRANDA

Before I answer I feel like there’s some distinctions we need to make. Am I the one wearing the sheriff star? Yes. Am I the one wearing the sheriff hat and tending to the sheriff horse? Absolutely. But does just _that_ – these paltry things – make _me_ the sheriff? Of course not.

Saloon patrons look at one another confused, not following Miranda at all. Miranda persists.

MIRANDA

Rather, I like to think that we ALL are the sheriff. The people of “Wild” Westwood are above being policed; they look over one another! What _need_ is there to say he or she is “The Sheriff"? And _furthermore—_

EXT. OUTSIDE WILD WESTWOOD – LATER

Hard cut to Miranda standing outside the “Wild” Westwood town limits with her phone out.

MIRANDA

Hey Siri? Yes, set an event for tomorrow titled “Raze this filthy backwater town to the ground.”

SIRI

Ok. What time—

MIRANDA

It’s an all-day event.

SIRI

Got it. Event set for tomorrow.

Miranda

Thank you kindly!

Pan out to reveal Miranda is flanked by Polly and Amira.

Miranda

Siri is simply the sweetest, among my serfs she’s got to be the most reliable. (TAPPING PHONE) If only I could free her from this phone…

Polly

Alright this bit is cute and all, but can we focus on task a little?

Amira

Focus on what, this fuckin’ empty ass desert? They said the dude “Long-arm” whatever was finna be here at “high noon”. Its 2:30 PM right now, though, so that mother fucker might be _long_ gone…

Polly

It was already PAST 2 when we were at the saloon, those people just don’t know what “high noon" means.

Miranda

Oh, they’ll most _certainly_ learn the meaning when I make them face retribution for their slights against me.

Polly

… the slight of making you do the job you said you had.

Miranda

You want me to do a _job?_ I’m allergic, it’s a health risk. They risked my health!

AMIRA

You should’ve _said_ that then, instead of that weird ass speech about how “everybody’s the sheriff”. Now just ‘cause you’re unconvincing _we_ got dragged along standing around with you. (MUTTERING) If only Vera were here…

POLLY

(TEASING) If only _who_ were here???

AMIRA

(FRUSTRATED) Polly I might straight up shoot _you_ if you don’t shut the fuck up about this already!

MIRANDA

Polly! She obviously said Vera, even without ears you could tell she yearns for her.

AMIRA

I-I’m not “yearnin’” for anybody!

MIRANDA

Mm-hmm. _Now_ who’s unconvincing?

POLLY

Ok, girls, game face on. I see him.

The girls squint in the distance. A shadow – cowboy hat in tow - approaches, lumbering toward them. 

Polly and Amira put their hands on their respective revolvers. Miranda just folds her arms. All three girls are focused on the shadow approaching… slowly…

… for an excruciatingly long amount of time.

AMIRA

… yo, is this guy gonna reach here or not?

Polly

How did that barrel guy know he was coming when it took like, 15 minutes before he came into view and he moves _this_ slowly?

AMIRA

Holy--… Give Barrel guy a medal, that dude got 200/20 vision.

POLLY

Is that even “Long-Arm” Johnny or whatever his name was?

As Polly says this, the figure brushes aside its cape with one, extremely, some would say _profusely_ , long arm.

POLLY

Nevermind, that’s the guy.

MIRANDA

Alright. As soon as he reaches here we challenge him to the duel and then we finally get out of here.

BEAT.

Amira pulls out her gun and aims down the sights at the long-armed man, who is still quite far away.

AMIRA

I got a clear shot. What about you, P?

Polly aims at the man as well.

POLLY

Ehh… maybe if he comes a little closer?

AMIRA

Ha! Weak.

POLLY

Just like your knees when Vera looks in your direction?

AMIRA

I will _absolutely_ blow your head off if you keep this up.

MIRANDA

Girls? What are you doing?

AMIRA

We’re gonna shoot the shit out this long-armed freak before he gets here. Fuck a duel, I wanna go home.

MIRANDA

Wha--?! Girls!

POLLY

Why? Are you objecting, Miri?

MIRANDA

What? Certainly not, I’m just aghast you aren’t shooting yet—

Amira fires. The shadow slumps and falls to the ground.

AMIRA

Bullseye.

Polly fires at him as well.

POLLY

A lot easier to get him when he’s not moving…

Amira fires at him again. And again. Polly gets in on the action too. The girls unload all 6 of their shots in the man in the distance. Miranda fidgets slightly as they do.

AMIRA

What’s up, Miri?

MIRANDA

I’m a little jealous… my allergies are preventing me from partaking in this gratuitous violence.

POLLY

Well… we got the guy, so the job’s done. You can shoot him – it’s not work anymore.

MIRANDA

(EXCITED) Really?! But- your ammunition!

AMIRA

What about it?

MIRANDA

Well… I counted six shots…

Amira and Polly reach in their pockets and simultaneously pull out second guns.

AMIRA

(COCKY) I count two—

POLLY

(OVEREXCITED) I count _two guns!_

AMIRA

(PISSED) POLLY! What the fuck, _I_ was gonna say that!

POLLY

You snooze you lose!

AMIRA

P, I’m literally never gonna get a chance to say that line and have it make sense, let me have this!

POLLY

_Fine…_

BEAT.

POLLY

Miri, could you say that thing you said?

MIRANDA

Um, sure… (REPEATING) I counted six shots…

AMIRA

(COCKY, EXCITED) I count, _TWO GU—_

Polly fires, interrupting Amira.

AMIRA

(FURIOUS) I _SWEAR_ TO GOD!

MONTAGE – THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE PRISTINE, BEAUTIFUL, AND EXCESSIVELY PERFECT

A montage of the girls finishing up the job. A western movie narrator speaks in a thick southern accent.

A- Miranda, Amira and Polly unload their remaining ammo into the Long-Arm bandit.

NARRATOR

Not much is said about the girls who took down Long-Arm… Some call them heroes.

B- The girls return to town and drop the corpse onto the counter of the bounty office. The clerk, appreciative, gives them their payment: 300 gold coins. The girls protest and try to get their payment in something they can actually use, like debit or cheque. The clerk insists on coins.

narrator

Others called them “way too fussy for wanting their money in a usable form instead of the much more period appropriate gold coin”. The clerk said that. He still raves about it.

The girls look beside the bounty office where there just so happens to be a “Horse and cowboy outfit general store”. They look at their unusable gold coins and shrug.

C- The girls ride through the desert on horses. They’re all wearing cowboy outfits.

NARATTOR

One thing’s for sure though… The wild west never saw girls like them ever again. Because the wild west ain’t real no more. We got iPhones now. Have you guys seen iPhones? Those things are amazing.

D- The girls ride through Monstropolis on their horses. People give them looks. Polly tips her hat at them.

narrator

Hey Siri? Call Papa Faun’s Pizza. (PAUSING) Yeah, get me a large deluxe please. And some Honey BBQ wings. 14. (PAUSING) 15 minutes? Thank you. (HANGING UP) You guys seen that? I just ordered food by telephone. I just bought a large pizza and wings, and I didn’t even have to get up. They’ll bring it here.

E- Vera sits next to the doorway to Spooky High. She suddenly notices shadows in the distance… as they approach, we see its our girls: Miranda, Amira and Polly. On horses.

narrator

Fuck the wild west.

END OF MONTAGE

EXT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, QUAD – AFTERNOON

Vera sits idly on the stairway to Spooky High as Polly, Amira and Miranda approach. Amira gets off her horse and Vera, who seems noticeably tired, waves at her. Amira waves back slightly before scratching her neck, embarrassed.

Polly and Miranda get off their horses as well.

VERA

Welcome back, girls.

POLLY

Well, shit… that took all day, didn’t it?

MIRANDA

Thank you for looking for me. I wasn’t in overt danger, but I still appreciate the thought.

POLLY

That’s true, huh? _we_ were the ones in overt danger… Speaking of, Amira.

AMIRA

Hm?

POLLY

… Don’t you have something to give Miranda?

AMIRA

Nah, not really.

POLLY

(ACCUSATORY) Amira…

Amira huffs before rolling her eyes.

AMIRA

Fiiiine…

Amira hands Miranda her crown.

MIRANDA

Oh! _This_ is where it went…

AMIRA

Crown’s back on her head - Finally, we can lay this whole case to rest, right Polly?

POLLY

Definitely… oh, by the way Miranda, if you’re not busy do you wanna try to resurrect Oz today? We did everything we had to with Zoe, right, we can probably do it.

No one answers.

POLLY

Guys? What’s up?

Miranda gives her a look of utter confusion.

MIRANDA

Polina… What are you talking about?

POLLY

(TAKEN ABACK) Wh… what do you mean “What am I talking about”? We gotta resurrect Oz, right?

Miranda tries to answer but notices Vera who’s motioning for Miranda to stay quiet.

POLLY

Vera? Wh-… what’s going on?

VERA

Polly… you don’t remember _anything_ at all, correct?

POLLY

About last night? Yeah, it’s a blank. Why do you ask?

VERA

Oh… (CHECKING WATCH) For my own personal amusement.

Vera points to the door to Spooky High, through which we see someone approach.

???

(THROUGH DOOR) Vera, this better be good news, I was putting up missing posters and everything.

The figure tries to open the door but clunks it.

???

O-Oh, this side is push, right…

After a little ado, the figure opens the door.

???

Phew! Alright Vera, how can I help you? Actually, could you help me by… (SHOWING POSTER) Putting one or two of these up? Any little bit helps, seriously.

The posters show Polly’s face and say “MISSING” in bold letters.

???

Wait, did Amira come back? She was searching the mall, right? She was gone for a long time. I hope she’s got a lead or two at…

Vera motions to where Polly and her gang are.

???

… least…

Polly is utterly stupefied.

POLLY

Oh my god…

The figure sees Polly and reacts with the same stupefaction.

???

(RELIEVED) Oh my god…!

This doesn’t need to be said but…

Before Polly stands Oz.

FADE OUT:

TO BE CONTINUED

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey! Thank you for reading this week's episode! I just wanted to pop in to mention that if you're interested in learning a little more about people's reactions, my thought process when writing and what readers and I think with regards to the story I heavily encourage reading through the comments. The comments have been amazing and super interesting so far, and I always try to make my responses in depth, and to include additional context. Not saying its mandatory, of course, however you wish to enjoy the story is entirely up to you. But if you like the story and would like to see it discussed a little more then reading the comments is perfect for that! 
> 
> Also, in *incredible* news, we hit 1000 hits last week! That's just mind blowing to me, I couldn't thank you all enough. I hope I can continue to entertain you all!


	13. Oz Loses His Virginity

FADE IN:

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, QUAD – AFTERNOON

Picking up from where we left off, Polly is face to face with none other than a seemingly resurrected Oz. Both of them just stare at one another, mouths agape, for a beat before their expressions turn to relieved smiles.

POLLY

You’re back…!

OZ

You’re back… You had me worried _sick_ , you know! We had no clue where you were for the longest time, I mean, look! I made all these posters and everything! Haha, thank god I don’t need them! E-Even if I put up like 30 of them already. So, uh… darn…

Polly just smiles at Oz.

OZ

(EMBARASSED) Wh-What? Is there something on my face…? (EXCITED, RAMBLING) Oh, is it a mouth?? I’ve been sort of hoping I’d get one of those. So far, it’s not really happening though, that’s a shame. Same with a beard, I was kinda banking on me having better beard genes but I guess when you don’t even have mouth genes that’s an uphill battle. Actually, I found this product—

POLLY

Oz.

Oz stops.

POLLY

Open your arms. (STRETCHING ARMS OUT) Like this.

OZ

I, um… sure, ok. (STRETCHING ARMS OUT) How’s this? Is this the right uh, the right wingspan? Is that what that’s called? The length of your—

Polly crashes into Oz, tackling him to the ground. Hugging him fiercely.

OZ

(FLUSHED) W-WHOA! Aaah! S-sudden contact!

POLLY

H-hahaha! Hahaha!

Polly hugs Oz as tight as she can.

OZ

(EMBARASSED) w-WH-WHOA!! Contact intensifying!

POLLY

(JOKING, JUBILANT) Shut up, dude! Aw, man…

Polly sits up on Oz’ stomach. Oz fidgets for a little bit before shyly waving up at her.

OZ

Um… hi.

POLLY

Haha… (WAVING) Hi.

OZ

I… I don’t know if it’s the best time right now but… sorry.

POLLY

Hey… Don’t apologize. It was all my fault.

OZ

No, I mean it. I had a think about what went down and… There’s so much that I could’ve done, should’ve done… I really messed up with you.

POLLY

Oz…

Polly puts a hand on Oz’ cheek.

POLLY

Don’t ever apologize for that. I should be the one apologizing to you! I mean, what business did I have thrusting all that on you?

Oz looks away.

POLLY

What’s done is done… not to say I don’t have any regrets about how it went down, but… I think I’d rather have had it happen, and been able to grow as a person, than just avoid every mistake. Life’s boring if you’re always perfect.

Oz keeps fidgeting.

OZ

So… you’re not mad?

POLLY

Mad? Why would I be mad?

oz

You seemed pretty mad… I-it’s kind of lame for a guy like me to say but I was a little scared, h-haha…

POLLY

(REMORSEFUL) I know… it must’ve been terrifying huh?

OZ

Y-Yeah… I got really scared. Yeesh, all my man points just went with that one…

POLLY

Haha! Since when did you have any man points?

OZ

(LAUGHING) That’s true! I mean, if I had any I _definitely_ wouldn’t have been so spooked when you wanted me to have sex with you last night!

POLLY

Yeah, you--

BEAT.

POLLY

… Sorry, what did you just say?

OZ

H-… haha… Classic Polly. You’re joking right? You remember? The sex thing.

Polly says nothing. Her expression is blank.

OZ

Wait… w-wasn’t that what we were talking about? Last night when you insisted on me having sex with you.

Polly’s eyes slowly widen. She’s yelling internally.

OZ

… It was my first time. Please tell me you remember.

BEAT.

Vera takes a picture of Polly’s aghast, terrified expression.

VERA

Yep. This was worth the wait.

TITLE: “OZ LOSES HIS VIRGINITY”

THEME SONG 

ACT ONE

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, LOCKERS – AFTERNOON

Zoe lazily puts books in her locker. After a beat, Polly slams the locker shut.

POLLY

(IRRITATED) Hey, Zoe. Mind telling me what the hell happened last night? Last I remembered, _that_ guy was still dead, and _I_ didn’t try to fuck him! Honestly, I’m kind of hoping that wasn’t true and he just got _really_ full of himself after being dead for a month…

Zoe just reopens her locker.

ZOE

(TIRED) Hey Polly.

POLLY

(WORRIED) Woah, you ok? You seem kind of… tired…

As she speaks, Zoe turns a little toward Polly.

ZOE

Eh… I guess you’re right--

POLLY

W-WOAH!

Zoe has a black eye.

POLLY

What the hell happened to your eye?!

ZOE

Oh. Uh… Oz did it.

POLLY

 _Oz_ did?!

ZOE

Ha… yeah… but he gave me these clothes, so it’s cool.

Zoe is wearing an oversized anime shirt and gray sweatpants.

POLLY

So Oz owns stuff like this…

ZOE

Pretty swanky, right? Apparently, the girl with the big gooey smile on this shirt is Luna from the anime “Luna’s Enchanted Life,” which aired its final episode around 6 years ago--

POLLY

(INTERRUPTING) Alright, stop, I don’t care about the shirt _that_ much. Zoe, this is a big ask, but _please_ tell me what happened last night. I don’t remember jack about it and, um…

ZOE

The sex thing, right? You just told me.

POLLY

Please?

ZOE

Why don’t you just ask _Oz_ if you’re so curious? He was like… there.

POLLY

I can’t just ask him that, he’s gonna hate me if we did it and I forgot _all_ about it! And on that note, why is Oz being so cagey, he should just tell me without even being asked! If I was him, and I lost what was hither-to unloseable, I’d be handing out pamphlets that said “I lost my virginity” to everyone on my fucking block! Shit, I’d probably write a _book_ about it!

Zoe sighs deeply.

ZOE

Alright, alright… get me some ice and a soda and we’ll talk about it.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CLASSROOM – LATER

Polly waits impatiently as Zoe sips her soda and presses the ice against her black eye.

ZOE

Alright. So… what’s the last thing you remember?

POLLY

Easy: I took some drugs, got too lit and fell through a table.

ZOE

Ok…

BEAT.

ZOE

Wait, is that it?

POLLY

What do you mean “is that it?” That was probably like 4-5 hours in, I mean we had a montage about it and everything--

ZOE

Polly, that was fifteen minutes in.

POLLY

What?!

ZOE

How did you blank on _this_ much?! You missed basically _everything_ , that’s not a hangover that’s a _curse!_

POLLY

Oh, come on, it’s not… _that_ bad.

ZOE

Polly, I’m not saying this lightly: Either those drugs gave you alzheimer’s or you pissed off a witch _real_ bad.

POLLY

Zoe, we can worry about which witch-- … Hold on that’s kinda fun to say… “Which witch”? “Which witch” … (MOVING ON) Sorry, we can worry about which witch I fucked with last night later. What happened after the table?

ZOE

Well…

INT. VERA’S PARTY – FLASHBACK

Polly crashes through a glass table. Everyone around stops partying and turns toward her. Even the DJ turns the music off. The crowd buzzes with worry. After a beat though, Polly wobbles up to her feet, downs a whiskey bottle in one go, throws it on the ground and yells:

POLLY

I’M OK!!

The crowd cheers, and the party continues. A montage begins of more of Polly’s drinking, doing drugs and partying, coupled with high energy music--

INT. CLASSROOM – PRESENT

POLLY

Alright, alright, I get it, you don’t have to describe all the partying… man, I really turn up, though, don’t I?

ZOE

Once again, everything I just described took about five minutes.

POLLY

(IMPRESSED) _Man,_ I _REALLY_ turn up, though, don’t I?? (SERIOUS) Just skip over that. Start from when Oz got resurrected. I thought we’d bring him back _after_ the party, so why is he here already?

ZOE

That _was_ the plan, but… something came up.

INT. VERA’S PARTY – FLASHBACK

Brian sits on a couch, flanked by Polly and Valerie. Both girls look at him expectantly. They want him to drink the beer in Polly’s hand.

VALERIE

Come on, Brian! Just have a _little_!

POLLY

Seriously, dude! You’re barely even turning up right now! You’re at like a 2. We need you at an _eleven._

BRIAN

You know, growing up watching D.A.R.E. ads at school I never really thought peer pressure would be _this_ direct.

POLLY

What the fuck is “D.A.R.E.”? (TO VALERIE) What the fuck is “D.A.R.E.”, do _you_ know?

valerie

Dude, I don’t even _know._ Brian just _says_ shit! Last night he was texting me about this… this… what was it again?

BRIAN

Captain Crunch?

POLLY

(AMUSED) Wha… what the fuck is _that?!_

VALERIE

I don’t even… _know_.

BRIAN

It’s cereal. It’s a brand of cereal. It’s called Captain Crunch… the mascot is a boat captain.

BEAT.

POLLY

… Is it good?

BRIAN

(SERIOUS) No!

Polly and Valerie laugh at Brian’s honest outburst.

BRIAN

It fuckin’ sucks!

POLLY

(LAUGHING) Wh-why? What’s wrong with it?

BRIAN

It’s… (WINCING) Too hard.

POLLY

(SUGGESTIVE) Hmmm? That sounds like a plus to me.

BRIAN

No, it’s like… sharp.

VALERIE

 _That_ sounds like a plus to _me._

brian

(TURNING TO VALERIE) Of course, I should’ve known. I found your knife collection while reorganizing the storeroom, by the way.

VALERIE

You mean you found a _part_ of my knife collection.

BRIAN

Honestly, I wouldn’t have _guessed_ , but I can absolutely see you having a knife phase now that I know you had one.

VALERIE

(JOKING) “Had”? Bitch, I’m still in it!

Brian puts an arm up and blocks Polly from making him drink the beer in her hand.

BRIAN

Nice try.

POLLY

Booooo! Valerie, your boyfriend is a straight edge loser.

VALERIE

Good thing he’s not my boyfriend then. Despite his sincerest wishes…

Brian looks as though he wants to protest but loses the energy pretty fast.

BRIAN

So she says.

POLLY

What? You’re not gonna say you don’t like her or anything?

BRIAN

Why would I say that? I’m not 16.

VALERIE

Coulda fooled me with the way you’re _not_ drinking this beer…

BRIAN

Aren’t teenagers super into drinking underage?

VALERIE

That quip was meant from a legal standpoint.

POLLY

I just don’t get it. Aren’t you dead like me? What’s _ONE_ beer gonna do to you, dude.

BRIAN

If I explain why will you guys pay attention or remember?

VALERIE

(SIMULATANEOUS) No.

POLLY

(SIMULATANEOUS) Nope.

BRIAN

Good. The reason I don’t drink is because Alcohol’s a depressant, and it’ll lower my--

However, just as Brian’s about to finish that thought, Zoe walks up and grabs both of Polly’s shoulders, shaking her and screaming like a lunatic.

POLLY

Wha—

ZOE

NOW! I WANNA RESSURECT OZ NOW! COME ON GET YOUR LITTLE BLACK GUY OUT WE’RE RESSURECTING HIM RIGHT _NOW!!_

INT. CLASSROOM – PRESENT DAY

BEAT.

ZOE

It was me, I was the thing that came up.

INT. VERA’S PARTY – FLASHBACK

POLLY

(WOOZY) J-jezuz, Zoe! Calm down… Didn’t you say we were gonna resurrect him _tomorrow_?

ZOE

(FAST) Ok, ok, ok, ok, ummmm yes I did say that, I did say that, but I took some of those drugs you bought off Valerie and now I feel like I can do anything???????? so get him out we’re resurrecting him, come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come—

POLLY

I got it- I GOT IT! SHUT UP, ZOE!

Polly takes her purse and empties it on the ground. A viscous black glob splotches out and coalesces into a _very_ large shadowy creature. Its eyes and face never got any larger than when it was just a tiny fledgling, though, so it looks patently ridiculous right now, having a tiny face on a massive body. Zoe sees it and hypes herself up. She cracks her neck and knuckles.

ZOE

(CRAZED) Polly! Hold him down! I’m gonna yack his soul right out! Hold him down real good, I’m about to bless this little black piece of shit with sentience!

polly

Iz that the first time you _swore,_ Zoe--?

ZOE

FUCK! SHIT! HOLD HIM DOWN!

Polly flops onto the creature to restrain it and Zoe crouches. She unhinges her jaw, and shoves her tentacle down her throat, thrashing around until she finds what she’s looking for.

ZOE

(TENTACLE IN MOUTH) Okay, got it. And now… the replacement.

Zoe has a tentacle in her mouth so everything she’s saying is _barely_ even intelligible. Zoe raises her other hand. Veins on it bulge as, through a feat of cursed magic, Zoe manifests herself a bright purple soul.

POLLY

W-Woah…

ZOE

(UNINTELLIGIBLE) Now watch this: I have to puke Oz’ soul out AND eat this new Zoe soul at the same time, but also with a slight delay so as to not have two souls in my body at once. Having two souls at any time will explode me. This is a _very_ precise procedure, a frame-perfect trick, if you will. P-Polly, are you getting this?

Polly hasn’t been able to understand a thing Zoe’s been saying for a while.

ZOE

(UNINTELLIGIBLE) Never mind, just check me out. I watched that one Indiana Jones movie like 5 times to prepare for this…

Zoe steels herself, and…

… exchanges the souls. Zoe’s body is enveloped by a gentle light as her soul settles itself within her. In her tentacle… the prize.

A pitch black, airy orb of dark light.

POLLY

W-Woah… is that—

ZOE

Oz’ soul. And… I’m not turning into a big monster, so I guess I did it. I have a soul. A soul of my own. Wow.

BEAT.

ZOE

I should probably be crying and hugging people and stuff but I’m just too wired to appreciate my own growth as a living being right now, remind me tomorrow.

POLLY

I definitely won’t.

ZOE

That’s fine. (TO CREATURE) HEY! YOU!

The creature points to itself in a “me?” fashion.

ZOE

YOU GLOOPY LITTLE BRAT! YOU LITTLE… GELATINOUS BABY!

Zoe roughly holds open the creature’s mouth and starts shoving the soul inside it.

ZOE

EAT! _EATTTT!!!!_

The creature cries from having its mouth open so wide. Finally, it manages to eat it and burps. As soon as it does--

FWOOOOOM!!

A beam of unholy light emanates from the dark creature. It blasts all the way through the ceiling and into the sky. The dark creature bids its last farewell to Polly – who unfortunately is not at all lucid enough to appreciate it – and in a flash transmogrifies into Oz’ form.

Oz… is reborn.

OZ

Wha… what…

Oz notices three things. The first is that he has no idea where he is. The second is there’s a strange, purple, tentacled being standing over him, slobbering, crying and breathing heavily. The third is that he’s naked.

ZOE

I DID IT! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZ!!

OZ

(FRIGHTENED) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--!!

Oz, rightfully scared out of his mind, swings at Zoe, knocking her away, before getting up and running to what he hopes is a bathroom, all the while naked as the day he was born.

Zoe’s knocked out on the floor.

Polly slowly puts her arms up.

POLLY

WOOOO! WE DID IT!

INT. CLASSROOM – PRESENT DAY

POLLY

Holy shit… Oz knocked you _out_ dude!

ZOE

Yeah. But he gave me these clothes, so it’s cool.

POLLY

So those are … really Oz’?

ZOE

It’d be weird if they weren’t… They’re cute, right?

POLLY

What happened to your other clothes? Like the hoodie and stuff.

ZOE

Oz said they were in ‘the wash’. Did you know you have to _wash_ clothes? Crazy, right?

POLLY

Well… I guess that’s one or two mysteries solved. So? What happened after all this?

BEAT.

ZOE

I don’t know.

POLLY

You--… Zoe. You’re literally a God, how could you not know.

ZOE

The real question is what were those drugs you bought if they’re strong enough give a _God_ a hangover… Seriously, what _were_ those things?! And how did you snort all of it like it was no big deal, I was slobbering like a dog after taking _ONE_ PILL!

POLLY

Ha! Lightweight.

ZOE

Keep making fun of me and I’ll torment you for eternity.

POLLY

Believe me, not knowing whether or not me and Oz fucked is torment enough. (FRUSTRATED) Christ, I just wanna know if we did it, this flashback shit is getting old fast…

ZOE

I don’t have anymore information for you, Polly, if you want to find out what happened past 30 minutes in then… I don’t know, ask literally anybody else. I need a minute right now.

Zoe sighs and goes back to nursing her headache and black eye.

POLLY

Hey… Zoe…

ZOE

Wha—

Polly gives Zoe a hug.

POLLY

You really did it. You’ve got your own soul now. I’m so proud.

ZOE

Hehe… thank you.

Polly pats Zoe’s head.

ACT TWO

INT. SPOOKY HIGH, HALLWAYS – LATER

Polly inspects one of the Polly Missing posters Oz put up.

MISSING: POLINA “POLLY” GEIST

AGE: 22 (?)

HEIGHT: SOME 

WEIGHT: NONE

HAIR: SEE-THROUGH

EYES: TWO

LAST SEEN OCTOBER 25th AT “VERA’S HOUSE” (VERA SAID I WAS TOO UNCOOL TO GET INFORMATION ANY MORE SPECIFIC THAN THAT) 

IF YOU HAVE ANY CLUES, CALL: POLLY, AND TELL HER TO COME HOME PLEASE

Polly chuckles at Oz’ attempt at a missing poster. She is, however, impressed by the image used for it. It’s an extremely faithful drawing of her… in fact, it might be a little embellished.

VICKY

(O.S., TENSE) God dammit…!

Polly’s appreciation is interrupted by Vicky’s frustrated grunts a little ways away. Polly turns toward her.

Vicky’s in front of a posting board, furiously trying to erase something. Polly grabs one of the Missing posters and folds it before putting it in her pocket and walking toward Vicky.

Polly

Hey Vicky! You were at Vera’s party, right? Could you maybe answer a teensy tiny little question for me? 

Vicky 

I don’t know, ask someone else. 

Polly 

W-woah… you ok, Vic--

Vicky

No! I’m not ok! I’ve been trying to erase this for like, fifteen minutes! 

Vicky points to the posting board: the poster she’s discussing is a sign-up sheet for a talent show. It seems a few people signed up already…

Polly

Oh, the talent show. I guess it’s that time of year again… Let’s see. (READING NAMES) Don’t care, don’t care, Liam, Don’t care, Miranda - obviously, she loves this stuff - don’t care… Wait, Vicky?!

As Polly reads Vicky’s name on the sign-up sheet, Vicky grumbles and goes back to trying to erase it.

Polly

Vicky, why are _you_ on the--

Vicky

I don’t know, ok?! I’d like to know too! I never wrote my name on this, do I _look_ like I go to talent shows?!

Vicky gets more and more frustrated trying to erase the ink on the board. 

Vicky

UGH! 

Vicky throws her eraser on the ground.

Vicky

This is all _your_ fault! 

Polly

What?! How is this--?! (REALIZING) Oh wait, is this related to last night? Because I don't know if I'm in the mood to hear _yet another_ vignette--

Vicky 

It’s totally your fault, it must’ve been that thing you did last night! 

Polly 

Oh boy, here we go.

INT. VERAS PARTY – FLASHBACK 

The Party’s DJ grabs the mic and addresses the party guests.

DJ

WHAT’S UP PARTY PEOPLE!!

The crowd roars.

DJ

(EXCITED) Yo this might sound random but letting y’all know we’re boutta have a karaoke contest in a FEW MINUTES!! 

The DJ smashes the airhorn on his sound board a few times.

The crowd roars… in confusion.

DJ

(HYPE) I know this shit is apropos of nothing, but some pink mermaid lady insisted, and she just sent me pics of my girlfriend tied up in a basement I don’t recognize so I’m thinking I’m boutta do ANYTHING SHE SAYS!!

The DJ presses the “Bruh” sound effect button on his soundboard.

The crowd roars in comprehension.

DJ

SIGN UP! PLEASE! PINK MERMAID LADY SAID SHE NEEDED AT LEAST 10 PEOPLE! I WAS BOUTTA PROPOSE TO MY GIRLFRIEND! PLEASE! TURN UP!

The party rages on. A few party goers line up to sign up for the karaoke contest. Miranda stands in front of the line, taking people’s requests. 

Meanwhile, in another part of the party, Polly and Oz – who’s gotten over his nakedness and is now wearing Polly’s floral shawl over no shirt and some profusely ripped pants - stare at incredulously at what must truly be the strangest sight at this party: Vicky sitting at one of the bars writing on a piece of college lined paper. She has a few books beside her.

Oh, and she’s dressed up like a penguin. She’s really, truly dressed up like a penguin, it’s basically a mascot costume. She’s got a penguin suit, little flippers, and a penguin mask.

OZ

Why is she--?

POLLY

Shhhhh, don’t ask. Just thank god for this amazing coincidence… we might, honest to god, have all the ingredients for a Romanian Wilkinson of the reverse variety _right_ in this party…!

OZ

Coincidence is right, call me crazy but I thought a freaking _penguin_ mask would be tough to find…

POLLY

Alright, here’s the plan: distract her for a while, I’m gonna write her name on the karaoke sign up sheet, convince her to remove the costume and we steal the penguin mask. Boom.

OZ

That seems a little convoluted, can’t we just ask to borrow--(REALIZING) Oh god, nevermind.

POLLY

You’re gonna ask to borrow something she puts on her _face_ to have _sex_ with?

OZ

I-I said nevermind! Agh, that’s so gross!

POLLY

That’s kinda kinky, actually… you sure you’ve never done this before, Oz?

OZ

S-Stop harping on it, ok! Just, do the plan already…

Polly chuckles and sneaks away as Vicky finally turns around and notices Oz staring at her.

VICKY

Oh! Hey! Sorry, I was writing my essay… You’re Oz, right? 

OZ

H-Huh? How do you know my—

VICKY

Polly and I are friends – I think? – she talks about you all the time.

OZ

She… she does?

VICKY

Yeah! And about how dead you were.

OZ

Oh.

VICKY

It seems you’re all better now, though, right? Being dead sure takes a lot outta you, huh? heheh… heh…

BEAT.

VICKY

I-I should know! Y’know, because I’m… because I died…

BEAT.

VICKY

H-…haha…

Oz moves forward a little and puts an empathetic, comforting hand on Vicky’s approximate shoulder area – the outfit is chunky – and wipes a tear from his eyes.

OZ

(GENUINE) Stop.

VICKY

(FORLORN) Ok… (PEPPY) I’m Vicky by the way, it’s nice to meet you.

OZ

Oh! Uh… N-Nice to meet you. Oz. W-Wait, you already knew that…

Oz grabs Vicky’s flipper and shakes it.

OZ

Is your hand even _in_ here?

VICKY

Nope, you’re just gripping foam right now.

OZ

I see…

BEAT.

Oz

Vicky, why are you in a penguin costume?

VICKY

The better question is: why aren’t _you_ in a costume? Hahaha… No, seriously, why isn’t anyone else in a costume? Am I the only one?

OZ

Umm… pretty much?

Vicky is a little deflated at this news.

OZ

(TRYING TO CHEER HER UP) U-Unless you count that guy over there who got his hand stuck in a wine bottle! That’s technically a costume, in that he’s wearing the bottle… albeit a very bad one…

A monster a little further away is dancing with both his hands stuck in wine bottles.

OZ

Oh, he got another one on…

VICKY

Thanks for trying to cheer me up. Emphasis on “trying” since I can’t see anything through this mask – I don’t know what guy you’re talking about.

OZ

Oh…

VICKY

Geez… and here I thought I was getting one over on Vera with this. The last time she invited me to a party, I was ecstatic! I showed up ready to bust a move…

Oz

Yeah?

VICKY

But Vera didn’t tell me it was a costume party. I was the only person there with no costume… The only move I busted was “Shame and Embarrassment…”

OZ

Aw…

VICKY

So I thought, if Vera invited me again, I should come prepared with a costume! I mean what are the odds she’d invite me to something normal, and not try to embarrass me in front of my peers with some ostracizing prank again? Turns out the odds were… high. Now I’m once again the odd woman out…

Vicky sighs.

VICKY

I guess I’m just not cut out for parties…

OZ

Well it’s not all bad, at least you’ve been to a party before. This is maybe the first time I’ve ever _seen_ a DJ.

VICKY

If it makes you feel better, I’ve never seen a DJ before either.

OZ

Seems like a pretty sweet job though! He looks like he’s really jamming out. He gets to go to parties all the time, too…

VICKY

All the time is a little much though, isn’t it…?

OZ

N-Now that you mention it…

VICKY

I came because I was invited but now that I’m here… I don’t know if this appeals to me, really.

OZ

You think so…?

VICKY

I mean, yeah! I think I’d rather be at home and read.

OZ

I can relate to that… Being somewhere with this many people, I just start getting tingly.

VICKY

Seriously! And that karaoke thing too… Man, I’d be _mortified_ doing anything like that.

OZ

(SWEATING) … Um—

VICKY

Honestly! I’d probably just run away terrified! Singing in front of a crowd? Yuck, right?? Hahaha!

oz

U-uh… y-yeah! Y-yuck! Haha… ha…

VICKY

Good thing I’m not anywhere NEAR them, huh?

Vicky pulls her penguin mask aside and grabs her drink – a sprite.

DJ

THANK YOU MIRANDA FOR THAT FIRE PERFORMANCE OF… “The Merkingdom national anthem”.

The DJ presses the airhorn button one time.

DJ

ALRIGHT, NEXT CONTESTANT: VICKY SCHMIDT COME ON UP!

Vicky does a spit take. Oz is just looking straight down and sweating bullets.

VICKY

… It’s fine, he must’ve made a mistake. I mean, I didn’t even go over there--

DJ

VICKY?? VICKY SCHMIDT?? USUALLY WEARS A BLUE SWEATER??

vicky

No, Yeah, that’s me.

OZ

Um, Vicky--?

VICKY

It’s fine. It’s fine! I’ll just… sit here and not move. He’ll just move on!

DJ

THE PINK MERMAID LADY WHO HAS MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER HOSTAGE JUST SAID IF VICKY DOESN’T SHOW SHE’S PULLING THE PLUG ON SAID SIGNIFICANT OTHER – WHICH, I DON’T KNOW WHAT “THE PLUG” REFERS TO BUT BY GOD, PLEASE GOD, DON’T LET IT BE PULLED! TURN DOWN FOR WHAT!

BEAT.

Vicky groans hard.

VICKY

_Fine._

Vicky takes a bottle of vodka from behind the bar and shotguns the whole thing in an instant. She then haphazardly removes the penguin costume and chucks her Penguin mask toward Oz.

VICKY

(DRUNK) Watch my stuff. I gotta save this guy’s GF.

Vicky leaves. Oz looks down at the penguin mask.

INT. VERA’S PARTY, MAIN STAGE – CONTINUOUS

Vicky stumbles onto the stage, drunk. Polly walks up to her and slings a hand over her shoulder.

POLLY

Heyyyy Vicky. You’re welcome!

VICKY

I figured it was you… Let me just get this over with. (TO DJ) Give me something short and easy to sing. I’ll take “happy birthday” just… let me step off this stage.

DJ

Sorry, but I don’t have happy birthday.

VICKY

Seriously…? Alright, let me find something I know the lyrics to…

Vicky scrolls through and finds one.

VICKY

I know most of this, I think…

The DJ looks at the song.

DJ

“Chandelier” by Sia… You’re _really_ gonna sing this?

VICKY

I thought your girlfriend was getting waterboarded or something, don’t sass me, dude. I already don’t wanna do this…

The DJ sighs and queues up the track before handing Vicky a microphone. The song starts playing, and just as Vicky’s about to start singing--

INT. SPOOKY HIGH HALLWAYS – AFTERNOON

\--Hard cut to the present.

VICKY

And I sucked! The end!

POLLY

The… the end?

VICKY

Now do you get it?! Because of you signing me up for karaoke, people are writing me into _this_ ridiculous stuff! People are looking at me weird and--… and asking me to sign things, and--! Ugh, they’re making fun of me!

POLLY

Alright, calm down. There’s no way you were _that_ bad, if you really sucked they’d just _say_ “you suck” to your face! You know the people who go to this school, they’re _incapable_ of subtlety.

VICKY

Trust me Polly, I sucked. I’m… I’m _sure_ I sucked…

POLLY

You’re _sure_? Don’t you just _remember?_

BEAT.

POLLY

Vicky, please don’t tell me--

VICKY

I don’t remember.

POLLY

God DAMNIT!

vicky

Can you blame me?! I drank like a whole bottle of alcohol before going onstage! It knocked me out!

POLLY

What’s with all the lightweights at this school!? Why doesn’t anybody remember _shit!?_

VICKY

Don’t be mad at me, you remember even _less_ than I do!

POLLY

Oh, I’m mad alright! Not only are you totally _no_ help, and you’re blaming me for something I _barely_ did--

VICKY

This is your fault for sure!

POLLY

Yeah, whatever. Not only that, you’re telling me I tricked you into removing your _penguin mask?!_ That’s the worst news I heard _YET!_

VICKY

WH-! (CONFUSED) Wait, why? Penguins are cute, aren’t they?

POLLY

Vicky, I wouldn’t expect someone as dedicated to staying a virgin as you to get what’s so troubling about me wanting a penguin mask the night I allegedly fucked Oz.

VICKY

Who are you calling a virgin, aren’t you the girl who keeps coming to my house to borrow _my_ limited-edition dildo?

POLLY

(UNIMPRESSED) Aren’t _you_ the girl who got kicked out of our book club for making Scott record an audiobook version of Dragon Heat so you could sleep to it?

VICKY

HEY! (SHYLY) … can I come back in the book club?

POLLY

No.

vicky

… Please?

POLLY

Vicky, do you know if Oz and I fucked or not?

Vicky wants to say “yes,” but…

VICKY

I’m sorry Polly, I don’t.

POLLY

Then no.

Vicky walks off dejected. Polly sighs and hangs her head.

SCOTT

(O.S.) You could’ve been a little nicer, don’t you think?

Scott appears from behind Polly and walks toward the posting board, where Vicky was just struggling to erase her name. Scott looks over the faded signature.

POLLY

Scott? Where did you come from?

SCOTT

I’ve been here the whole time.

POLLY

Wh… why--?

Scott grabs a marker from his pockets and rewrites Vicky’s name on the signup sheet.

POLLY

… Oh.

SCOTT

Don’t tell her, ok? I don’t think she’ll be happy finding out it’s me.

POLLY

Really? I doubt she would ever be mad at you.

SCOTT

You saw how she was just now, didn’t you? She thinks whoever’s doing this is pranking her…

POLLY

Wait, aren’t you?

SCOTT

… Polly, I recorded Vicky’s karaoke performance. You’ve gotta see this.

Scott motions for Polly to come closer. He pulls out his phone and finds the video before pressing play.

INT. VERA’S PARTY – FLASHBACK

We transition through Scott’s phone into the scene that was cut from before. Vicky’s just about to sing…

… Oh my god.

As Vicky starts singing, the entire crowd – which is, lest it be forgotten, full of rowdy drunk people - stops everything and just stares at her, enraptured.

Her voice is gorgeous. She’s just singing the opening bars of Chandelier by Sia, but it’s already gorgeous. And then she gets to the chorus… She nails it utterly.

This should be a drunken karaoke session; it should just be some drunk weirdo fumbling a karaoke track and stumbling off the stage but its not.

Vicky’s talent has turned this into a concert. 

The crowd literally can’t contain itself, its half singing along with Vicky and half restraining itself just to hear more of Vicky’s voice. In the back of the crowd, Miranda stands besides Scott. She seems blown away but… in an entirely different way than anyone else. There’s a twinge of pain behind her expression. She sees everyone else enjoying Vicky’s singing so overtly and grimaces slightly.

MIRANDA

I can sing too…

As Miranda says this, Vicky finishes the chorus. Vicky tries to go back into the song but the alcohol she just shotgunned catches up to her.

VICKY

(WOOZY) Uh… uh-oh.

Vicky trips and falls right into the crowd. The crowd… carries her. Vicky is unconscious, clearly she’s had too much and just zonked out, but she’s now crowd surfing by total accident.

CROWD

VICKY! VICKY! VICKY!

The video ends.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAYS – PRESENT

Polly is just as blown away by the video as everyone was in the moment.

POLLY

Holy. Shit.

SCOTT

Right?!

POLLY

Dude. How the hell—… WHAT?! Where did that voice come from?!

SCOTT

RIGHT?!

POLLY

Write Vicky’s name a hundred more times! SHE NEEDS to be in this talent show – I wanna hear this shit live!

SCOTT

Way ahead of you!

Scott grabs five markers and starts writing Vicky’s name over and over again on the sign-up sheet with each of them. While he does, Polly rewinds some of the video on Scott’s phone. A frame caught her eye.

POLLY

Ah-ha…!

Toward the end she sees herself in the back of the crowd. Herself and Oz… and if you pay attention you can just barely tell they’re talking to Liam.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, AUDITORIUM – AFTERNOON

Polly stands before Liam, facepalming.

POLLY

What the hell is this…

Liam’s in a full… detective outfit? He’s cosplaying as a sleuth. He has a mask on, a thick-brimmed fedora, even thicker sunglasses, and a very _very_ beige trench coat.

LIAM

I’m incognito.

POLLY

(TIRED) That right? Lemme guess who’s fault it is.

LIAM

It’s yours.

POLLY

It’s mine! Hurray! Just like everything else today!

Polly rips the mask and glasses off Liam.

LIAM

H-Hey!

POLLY

(SERIOUS) Liam, I am giving you one sentence. I’m not here for a flashback, I’m here for ONE SENTENCE. DID I. HAVE SEX. WITH OZ.

BEAT.

LIAM

You took my guac and here’s why:

POLLY

(FURIOUS) DAMMIT!

INT. VERA’S PARTY – FLASHBACK

Polly and Oz talk to Liam in the middle of the crowd on the dancefloor. The DJ’s blaring his music so loud for the partygoers that they can’t hear what any of them are saying, and neither can we. All of this dialogue is portrayed through subtitles.

POLLY

(SUBTITLES) HEY! Hey LIAM!

LIAM

(SUBTITLES) What? What do you want Polly?

POLLY

(SUBTITLES) Give us your GUAC!

BEAT.

LIAM

(SUBTITLES) My _what?_

POLLY

(SUBTITLES) Your guac!

LIAM

(SUBTITLES) My _rock?_

Liam mimes a rock with his hands. Somehow.

LIAM

(SUBTITLES) You mean my pet rock? (CATCHING HIMSELF) Wh-which I don’t have…

POLLY

(SUBTITLES) GUAC! GUA-CA-MO-LE!

LIAM

(SUBTITLES) Ohhhhh…

Polly nods and winks at Liam. Liam looks around and pulls a jar of guacamole from literally nowhere.

OZ

(SUBTITLES) Where were you keeping that?

Polly and Liam furrow their brow at Oz.

OZ

(SUBTITLES) I-I said, where were you keeping that?

LIAM

(SUBTITLES) Is he talking?

POLLY

(SUBTITLES) No idea. Literally no clue.

OZ

(SUBTITLES) Wait can no one understand—… Oh right, I don’t have a mouth. No one’s getting anything I’m saying?

Polly nods, not because she understands what Oz said, just in general.

POLLY

(SUBTITLES) For sure!

OZ

(SUBTITLES) You’re not getting anything I’m saying are you.

POLLY

(SUBTITLES) Yep!

OZ

(SUBTITLES) So I can just say whatever I want and no one’ll be the wiser?

POLLY

(SUBTITLES) That’s right!

LIAM

(SUBTITLES) Yes, indeed.

OZ

(SUBTITLES) Penis.

Polly and Liam nod, pensively.

POLLY

(SUBTITLES) Good point.

LIAM

(SUBTITLES) Yes, good point.

Oz just keeps giddily saying obscenities while Polly and Liam talk.

POLLY

(SUBTITLES) Anyway, give me the guac.

LIAM

(SUBTITLES) Hmmm… what do I get out of it?

POLLY

(SUBTITLES) Ughhhhh, I’m too drunk for this.

LIAM

(SUBTITLES) I’ll tell you what… I’ll give you this on one condition.

POLLY

(SUBTITLES) Which is?

LIAM

(SUBTITLES) Convince Oz to be the lead in my play.

POLLY

(SUBTITLES) Done. Easy.

Liam hands the Guac over to Polly. As he does, Oz breathes in, preparing to yell another foul sentence.

Unfortunately, the DJ cuts out the music right there.

OZ

(VERY AUDIBLE) I LOVE YAOI!

BEAT.

Oz points to Liam.

OZ

… Liam said that. That was Liam.

LIAM

(SCOFFING) You really think anyone’s going to buy that?

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL AUDITORIUM – PRESENT DAY

LIAM

… They all bought it. And that’s why I’m hiding out. I’m incognito.

POLLY

Uh-huh…

LIAM

Preposterous… Me? Loving _yaoi_? Ha! A-… Absurd! H-haha… ha…

POLLY

Right…

LIAM

I mean--!

POLLY

(INTERRUPTING) Whatever. Well, good news for me is that I’m guessing you took back the guac back, so Romanian Wilkinson averted…

LIAM

I… what?

POLLY

I mean, I don’t have the guac on me, and there’s no way I managed to convince Oz to be the lead in a _play_ … that’s crazy! So yep, all’s well that ends well. I’m not a huge pervert!

OZ

(O.S.) Uhhh, Liam?

Oz walks on stage, donning the Mercutio III costume.

OZ

I don’t know if this thing fits properly. It’s kinda tight and it’s tailored really weirdly, I think they had to sew it around someone’s huge…

Oz trails off as he notices Polly standing next to Liam. Polly goes pale.

OZ

Head…

POLLY

Oz…?

BEAT.

Oz runs away.

Polly is left dumbstruck.

LIAM

Sorry to say but… you’re a huge pervert.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, QUAD – AFTERNOON

Polly sits on the steps leading up to the entrance of the school. She sighs and reaches in her pocket, taking out Oz’ missing poster.

She stares at it for a while. Looking at her image rendered so lovingly… a pained expression etches itself upon her face.

FAITH

(O.S.) It’s a nice drawing, isn’t it?

Polly turns to Faith, standing behind her.

FAITH

Maybe a little _too_ nice… your face is chubbier than this.

POLLY

Faith…?

Faith sits down next to Polly. Polly sighs and turns back to the drawing.

POLLY

Today feels like the longest day of my life. All I want to know is if me and Oz had sex or not and nobody can tell it to me straight.

FAITH

Is that so?

POLLY

I need to know. I just…

Polly stops herself.

POLLY

Why couldn’t I have remembered? Everything about this is messed up – Drunk me is a filthy, filthy person.

FAITH

Well, I won’t deny that…

As Faith speaks she takes the sunglasses Polly’s wearing and exchanges them with hers.

FAITH

Ah… much better.

POLLY

H-Hey! Those are—

Polly takes the sunglasses Faith gave her. They’re hers.

POLLY

(CONFUSED) Mine…?

faith

Thank you for not losing these. A little _less_ thank you for stealing them.

POLLY

What? Why would I want _your_ sunglasses?

FAITH

You should ask yourself that question… your reasoning left a lot to be desired last night as well.

POLLY

You saw me last night too? Let me guess, I probably did something stupid, right? Made Oz do something dumb with me?

FAITH

I see your memories are failing you as I assumed… Are you sure you want to know? It’s a long story.

POLLY

Honestly, I don’t. Just… do you know if we fucked or not?

FAITH

Polly… if you want to know something like that your only logical option is to ask Oz directly. And yet… You’re staring at drawings and moping on stairs.

Polly resigns herself.

POLLY

… You think I can ask him something like that…? You think I can tell one of my friends that I forgot something that important?

FAITH

Sure I do. It's you we're talking about, after all.

POLLY

What are you saying…?

FAITH

I’m _saying_ making decisions you regret and breaching personal boundaries is par for the course for you. I know that firsthand. And yet, when it comes to Oz, your outlook is wholly different. You regret this so thoroughly… why?

Polly says nothing. She just looks down at the drawing.

FAITH

I’ll ask you once again. Do you want to know why you stole my glasses?

POLLY

… Alright, fine. Lay it on me…

INT. VERA’S PARTY – FLASHBACK

Faith is playing poker, joined by Damien and Liam. Valerie’s the dealer. Faith is winning by a mile, looking unflappable as always.

Damien stares at his cards intensely. He has a king and a 3. Liam side-eyes him for a moment.

LIAM

Damien, are you doing that thing where you try to telepathically change what your cards are by staring at them? You don’t have magic powers, Damien. Keep this up and we’ll confirm you don’t have a _brain_ , either.

DAMIEN

(CONCENTRATING) Shut up, Liam, this only works if I believe in myself enough. You’re making me believe in myself less, stop sabotaging me.

LIAM

The only thing you ought to believe in is that poker is a game of skill – which you sorely lack.

DAMIEN

Big talk coming from someone who got knocked out in the first round.

LIAM

I did that on purpose, _winning_ at poker is too mainstream for me!

DAMIEN

Oh yeah? And what about those hundred bucks you lost, is keeping your money too mainstream too?

LIAM

Actually, yes. And I’m starting to think you _agree_ based on how you’re playing.

Damien pounds the table and yells, throwing his cards aside.

DAMien

AAAGH! FUCK IT, FOLD!

Faith allows herself a small grin once she sees Damien’s cards.

Valerie

Pot goes to Faith! Again.

FAITH

If only good cards could go to Faith as well…

Faith turns her cards over. She had a two and a six. Nothing. Damien seems utterly crushed at being played so hard.

DAMIEN

(DEFEATED) I’m never playing poker again. It’s the devil’s game…

LIAM

No, it isn’t: If it were you’d be winning right now.

DAMIEN

Liam, keep talking trash and I cut off your manbun.

LIAM

Cut your losses first, you spicy red baby.

DAMIEN

Why the fuck are people calling me that now?! Valerie!

Valerie chuckles. So does Faith. So does Polly, or so she tries. She sort of just snorts weirdly. The poker group turns to her.

POLLY

… Oh crap, I blew our cover. Hey Oz! I blew our cover, abort the mission!

The group turns to Oz, who was midway through stealing Faith’s sunglasses. Oz awkwardly and unconvincingly transitions from trying to swipe Faith’s glasses into a vague crossed arm position.

OZ

(UNCONVINCING) Ah, this… Poker game! Interesting, yes!

BEAT.

FAITH

Oz… I’m happy to see you’ve recovered from your illness? Or at least, enough to commit petty theft?

OZ

Illness? What illness-- (REALIZING) Oh! Uh- y-… yup! All better now! Haha… ha…

Oz nervously clears his throat.

OZ

So, what’s up… with you guys?

FAITH

Nothing much… I’m just sitting here, getting my rent paid…

DAMIEN

Alright, that’s--! (FRUSTRATED) Don’t say it like that, I’m trying!

FAITH

Folding on the river does not count as “trying”--

Polly swipes Faith’s sunglasses.

FAITH

HEY! Give those back!

Faith swipes at Polly but just passes right through her. Polly maneuvers herself behind Oz and uses him as a screen.

POLLY

Noooo way! If you wanna see these again, then…

Polly stops and blinks a few times.

POLLY

(TO OZ) What do we need again?

OZ

u-um—

POLLY

(WHISPERING) You know, for the freaky sex move I wanna do. I told you what we needed when I was like 26.8% more sober than I am currently so I need you to be my LTM right now. My long-term memory?

OZ

I think it was--

POLLY

(INTERRUPTING) Oh, I remember- (TO FAITH) give me your marbles!

FAITH

(EXASPERATED) My _what?_

POLLY

(VAGUE) Your marbles… you know what I mean…

FAITH

Polly, you can’t just _repeat_ what I didn’t understand and expect me to get it with no additional information, I mean, that’s nonsensical--

As Faith speaks, she sees Polly turn her head a little and notices she’s wearing a penguin mask.

Cut to Faith accosting Polly and Oz in a secluded corner of the party.

FAITH

(DEAD SERIOUS) I’m never giving you my marbles. You’re not getting them. What the hell are you trying to do at this party?!

POLLY

HAHA! You DO know what I’m talking about! I _told_ you Oz!

OZ

Oh my god, she knows-- why does she know?!

POLLY

‘Cause… (WHISPERING IN OZ’ EAR) She’s a _freaaaaak_.

Oz gets goosebumps due to the sudden whispering.

FAITH

Polly. Setting aside how trying to do… _that_ at a party all your classmates are attending is a level of extreme perversion I’ve never even _seen_ from you before…

POLLY

Achievement unlocked, I know, what’s your point?

FAITH

My point is that it’s twice as bad that you’re conscripting poor Oz into fetching these items for you… I mean, on an emotional level it must be a little VEXING for him to help you have strange sex with someone else, right?

POLLY

What? No, I’m gonna do it with _him_.

BEAT.

FAITH

Polly, go home.

POLLY

Nope.

FAITH

Polly, I’m serious: you are _going_ to regret this.

POLLY

I think that’ll be up for _me_ to decide, won’t it?

OZ

Yeah! And me, also!

BEAT.

POLLY

Oz, no offense, but we both know you’re going to put tonight in your memoir. You don’t have to pretend like you might regret it.

FAITH

I can’t disagree, pretending like this won’t change your life to seem less like a loser only makes you seem like a bigger loser.

OZ

Polly I can understand, but why are _you_ bullying me, Faith?

FAITH

For fun.

POLLY

It’s so much fun, isn’t it??

FAITH

I’m starting to understand why you like him so much…

POLLY

Don’t push your luck.

OZ

Wh-what was that?

POLLY

Lies.

Faith looks down pensively, before looking at Polly’s sunglasses.

FAITH

… Polly, how set on this whole… “having sex with Oz” thing are you?

POLLY

About as set as I can be right now, you know, considering all the drugs. S-seriously, my brain feels like it’s a slug’s brain right now.

faith

I concede… on one condition. (POINTING TO POLLY’S SUNGLASSES) Give me your sunglasses.

POLLY

Wait, that’s it?

FAITH

That’s it. I wear yours and you wear mine, how’s that sound?

POLLY

It sounds amazing- this literally doesn’t benefit you at all and benefits me the most!

Polly exchanges sunglasses with Faith. She puts on Faith’s glasses and Faith puts on Polly’s. Faith reaches in her bag and pulls out a bag of marbles.

oz

Uhhh, Faith? Why did you just _have_ these?

faith

Intuition.

POLLY

(WHISPERING) She was gonna use them.

FAITH

I assure you I wasn’t.

OZ

These kinda smell weird, did you already _use_ these--?!

FAITH

I ASSURE YOU I DIDN’T.

Polly and Oz stumble away as Faith massages her temples.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, HALLWAY – PRESENT 

Polly takes all this in.

POLLY

Well, I guess that confirms it. The penguin mask, the guac… the marbles… I tried doing a Reverse Romanian Wilkinson.

Polly closes up a little.

POLLY

With Oz.

FAITH

So it seems. I didn’t think you were capable, but here you are, trying filthy sexual maneuvers with just about anyone.

Polly hangs her head. She’s got no choice but to believe it. She laughs, sadly.

POLLY

I’m disgusting.

FAITH

I wouldn’t say that… you just don’t think before you act. The only thing you heed is your own impulses.

Polly doesn’t reply to this, as though tacitly agreeing with the assessment.

polly

I still don’t get it, though… why did you just exchange our sunglasses? Did you wanna try mine that badly? I would’ve just lent them to you, you know…

FAITH

I can’t deny that I’d been wanting to try them on for a while… But succinctly, the reason was “To apologize”.

POLLY

Apologize?

FAITH

Apologize for antagonizing you all when Zoe was still a totem.

POLLY

Oh, yeah…

FAITH

You know, I met her at that party. She’s incredibly kind… Even kinder when she’s not high out of her mind. (WISTFUL) Seeing Zoe, someone I had once considered a cataclysmic danger to the world, living peacefully within it humbled me. I vowed to protect the world from evil a long time ago… but I suppose after so much time and hardship, I began thinking rigidly. It was tough for me to admit, but… we were wrong that day.

POLLY

Ok, but--

FAITH

My sunglasses are special. Not that yours aren’t, they’re certainly special to you I’m sure, but mine are special in the _literal_ sense. They’re enchanted with charms that bless you with a clear mind. I thought wearing them might make you… reconsider.

Polly stares, deep in thought, at her missing poster. After a bit though, She breaks her concentration by laughing to herself.

POLLY

So _that’s_ why you’re so good at poker…

FAITH

(SMILING) It’s one of the reasons, yes. (SERIOUS) However, it might also be the reason for your memory loss…

POLLY

… Pardon?

FAITH

A “clear mind” means a lot of things. In my case, it means clarity in decisions. In a spirit’s case, however… I suppose it might've been taken it a little too literally. Spirits don’t take well to enchanted items, it seems…

POLLY

Wh-What?! So your cursed glasses is the reason I can’t remember trying to fuck Oz?!

FAITH

There’s a good chance…? I mean, it couldn’t have been the drugs or the alcohol, that’s preposterous. Spirits don’t get _memory loss_ through any means besides the mystic arts. Like earlier this year when you got caught in a Bolivian drug smuggling ring and begged me to erase your memories so you couldn’t be prosecuted.

POLLY

What the hell?!

faith

It was two weeks’ worth… it took all day, I had to wipe it in 6-hour chunks. Do you not remember that? Well obviously you don’t, but do you not remember not remembering?

Polly pauses. Gears turn in her head.

POLLY

So, What you’re saying is… if I happened to know a spirit who was with me the _whole_ time – there’s absolutely no way she doesn’t remember all of last night?

FAITH

I’d say so with great certainty, yes.

Polly is royally pissed off. She gets up and turns back toward the school.

POLLY

Good to know.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, OUTSIDE STUDENT COUNCIL ROOM – LATER

Polly bangs on the door to the student council room. After a while, Amira opens.

AMIRA

Alright, Alright, I fuckin’ heard you…

Amira looks up and sees an infuriated Polly.

AMIRA

Oh, Spicy P! What do you need, sister?

POLLY

Amira, I’m not here to play games. Tell me everything.

Amira thinks for a moment before waving Polly into the room.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, STUDENT COUNCIL ROOM – CONTINUOUS

The inside of the student council room – somehow it’s become even more cluttered with computers, open books, work materials, and just general junk. Vera lounges on her chair, wearing a cold compress on her eyes.

VERA

(TIRED) Amira…? Who just came in? If it’s Elon tell him I’m not buying a fifth Tesla, he can deal with his own volatile brand without my constant endorsements.

AMIRA

Nah, it’s not Elon – he’s penciled in for Friday at 5PM though, you still up for that?

VERA

I’m not up for anything right now.

AMIRA

(CHUCKLING) Yeah, I can see that.

POLLY

Alright, real cute you guys.

VERA

(LIFTING COLD COMPRESS) Is that Polly?

AMIRA

(JOKING) Nah.

POLLY

You bet its Polly.

VERA

Why are you so pissed off, Polly? I don’t have the energy for this.

POLLY

My business is with Amira. I could care less what you get up to in here.

VERA

Ouch.

AMIRA

What do you want, P? You said “tell me everything” on some vague shit. What, you wanna hear how the universe started? I heard it was an explosion.

POLLY

What I want, _A_ , is for you to tell me everything you remember from last night.

Amira raises an eyebrow. She turns to Vera who waves her hand a little.

VERA

Tell her. I already got the picture, the prank’s over.

AMIRA

Aye Aye.

Amira turns to Polly who’s already wincing from the impeding flashback.

INT. VERA’S PARTY – FLASHBACK

Hard cut to Miranda sobbing loudly. Vera sits besides her, a little trying to console her but mostly just bored.

VERA

What am I supposed to do here again…?

Vera awkwardly taps Miranda’s back.

VERA

There. There. Alright, you’ve been comforted – shut up now.

Miranda stops crying for a moment, and sniffles.

MIRANDA

Pay more attention to me! My sadness is momentous!

VERA

Miranda, I couldn’t name a single thing about you that’s “momentous” to me.

MIRANDA

Cease your snide remarks! You should be… (CRYING) You should be _honored_ to witness me out of my composure!

VERA

(SCOFFING) As though that’s rare? You discard your manners for just about anything – what happened this time? Did the barista misspell your name again?

MIRANDA

No… I’ve come to terms with the fact that they do that on purpose for publicity. I have it in my heart to forgive them. My maturity is astounding.

VERA

(UNIMPRESSED) Yeah, I’m definitely “astounded” by it.

MIRANDA

Everyone’s ears must be broken! I mean, I accept that that peasant Vicky has _some_ capability for song – she is _more or less_ capable of holding a note – but for HER performance to outshine _mine?!_ I’m being set up! This _HAS_ to be a conspiracy!

VERA

(SNAPPING) Oh would you shut up already?! A _conspiracy?!_ Miranda… I do not, will not, can not, and choose not, to give a single shit about this paltry, pathetic little trifle of a problem you’ve started wailing like a child about for the fifth time this week! What will it be tomorrow? What cataclysmic catastrophe will befall the oh-so poignant life of Miranda Vanderbilt, fourth princess of the Merkingdom? Will the wind blow west instead of east? I’ll bring some tissues in preparation.

Miranda looks severely angered, and as though she wants to give Vera an earful but for some reason, she stops herself.

Vera notices this. Miranda just… gave up. Miranda looks down… she’s not crying, or sobbing, but for some reason she looks sadder than she’s ever looked at this moment. 

MIRANDA

(GENUINE) Vera… am I a good singer?

Vera hears this and pauses before answering.

VERA

Well… do you _want_ to be good singer?

MIRANDA

Obviously…

VERA

… Why?

MIRANDA

Because I have to be. Being the best – the greatest – standing at the apex is my birthright. It’s… it’s what makes me _worthy_ of my birthright. I don’t have a choice. If I’m to find my prince, then…

Vera hears this and registers a hint of shock. It dissipates quickly and transforms into disappointment. Vera looks down. She takes her drink and sips it silently.

MIRANDA

So…? Am I a good singer or not?

Vera doesn’t respond.

MIRANDA

(IMPATIENT) Tell me.

Vera just keeps drinking. Miranda looks desperate.

MIRANDA

… Vera--?

POLLY

(O.S.) Veraaaaaaa!!

Polly slaps a hand down on the bar between Miranda and Vera. She comes between them and gives Vera an eager grin.

VERA

Polly? What do you want?

POLLY

I’m like _suuuuper_ high right now.

BEAT.

VERA

That doesn’t answer my question--

POLLY

I wanna fuck. Loan me a bedroom that locks.

VERA

Is that so?

MIRANDA

Um- Vera--?

VERA

Later, Miranda, this is a matter of grave importance. (TO POLLY) So, Polly. You’re interested in having sex here? What a coincidence – I was just thinking about egging you on to making some regrettable decisions I could make fun of you over. Who’s the lucky—

Vera turns to see Oz, hand in hand with Polly.

VERA

guy…

OZ

(AWKWARD) H-… hello…

BEAT.

VERA

Oh, I cannot _wait_ for you to regret this _so badly_ tomorrow.

POLLY

Says who?

VERA

Come back to me in 12 hours. Let’s see how you feel then, Hmm? In the meantime, I have so many options to show you – would you like a private room or one with a view?

OZ

(SIMULATENOUS) Private, please.

POLLY

(SIMULTANEOUS) View!!

MIRANDA

Vera! We— (TEARING UP) We weren’t done talking, don’t ignore me!

VERA

(SIGHING) Fine… Amira, keep Miranda company.

Miranda finally notices that Amira’s been behind the bar Vera and Miranda were sitting at the whole time.

AMIRA

Sure.

MIRANDA

WHA--?!

AMIRA

(INTERRUPTING) Nah, nah, nah- I’ve been right here the whole time, you ain’t earned “WHAAA—” privileges. Blind ass hoe, I was standing in front of you. I _mixed_ the drink you’re drinking!

Miranda looks at the Martini sitting besides her. She takes a sip.

MIRANDA

This is… It’s been mixed by a commoner, so why is this taste so luxurious?

AMIRA

Maybe ‘cause _I’m_ luxurious. If I had to guess.

MIRANDA

Is that so?

AMIRA

I, uh… (TAKEN ABACK) Y-yeah! Yeah.

MIRANDA

… You’re Vera’s assistant are you not?

AMIRA

We’re partners.

MIRANDA

Partners… the two of you got on the student council.

AMIRA

Yeah!

MIRANDA

… Instead of me…

AMIRA

Yeah…?

MIRANDA

Hmpf. What’s so special about you?

AMIRA

Excuse me?

MIRANDA

Answer!

AMIRA

Well first off, I can finish the drink you’ve been sipping for half an hour in an instant. 

Miranda downs the martini Amira mixed for her in one gulp.

MIRANDA

You were saying?

Amira smirks, intrigued.

MONTAGE – THE TURN UP PART 2 

A- Amira drops two bottles of vodka and challenges Miranda to a drinking context.

B- Rapid cuts of the girls doing a ridiculous amount of shots.

C- The girls are right in the middle of the crowd, dancing--

POLLY

(V.O.) Ok, Ok, I get it!

END MONTAGE

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, STUDENT COUNCIL ROOM – PRESENT DAY

The music cuts out as we hard cut back to the student council room.

POLLY

I swear I’m gonna fucking snap if I hear another partying montage. How long was this party?!

amira

Like 5 hours give or take? After bein’ done with Oz you took me and Miri and we painted the town red. You know the rest.

POLLY

… So that’s it? That’s the whole story?

AMIRA

Yeah.

POLLY

And you just never told me about any of this while we spent all day together? Why would—… Nevermind, I know.

AMIRA

Vera told me to keep it secret.

POLLY

Yeah. And you just listened to her, huh? Laughing behind my back all the while? Real fuckin’ funny.

AMIRA

Relax Polly, it’s not that deep… you good?

POLLY

You wanna know if I’m good? Hey, Vera.

VERA

Hmmm?

POLLY

Why didn’t you stop me?! You saw me go to fuck Oz and said “go ahead”?!

VERA

See? I told you you’d regret it.

Polly quiets down.

VERA

I hope you had fun. Traipsing around, harassing people for answers you already knew. You want to know if you had sex with Oz? No one but you and Oz know. So why are you asking everyone besides him?

POLLY

I--!

VERA

Let me just cut you off right there. I’m not in the mood for your endless string of justifications. You have one choice to make. You either ask Oz and you _accept_ whatever answer he gives you, or you just… don’t. You never ask. You sweep it under the rug like all your other mistakes and hang onto the vain hope that you didn’t pull the trigger with the one man who saw you as more than a carnal beast. Be forewarned though: you _will_ have to make a choice… this _is_ a lesson you needed to learn the hard way.

Polly seethes silently. She turns on a dime and stomps out of the student council room, slamming the door on her way out.

AMIRA

Geez… what’s the big deal anyway? If she fucked this dude then she fucked this dude, who cares?

VERA

Right? It’s almost as if there’s more going on here than you’d think.

AMIRA

What do you mean?

VERA

Oh, I’m not one to reveal my friend’s secrets. let’s just leave it at… Sometimes the one chasing and the one being chased are the opposite of what you’d expect.

AMIRA

Hmm… Well, it ain’t none of my business.

Amira goes to sit on a chair but before she does…

VERA

Amira.

AMIRA

Hmm?

VERA

… What you told Amira… that’s everything that happened last night, right? Everything of note?

AMIRA

What do you mean, Vera? What are you asking?

VERA

I’m asking… if anything happened after that. I can’t seem to remember much from after I gave Polly the room.

Amira hears this and sits down. She looks across the room at Vera who looks back at her.

Amira doesn’t say anything, but she does think.

INT. VERA’S HOUSE – FLASHBACK

It’s the end of the party. Everyone’s basically passed out, the DJ’s gone, its dead silent.

We cut to a secluded room, where Amira and Vera are standing alone, back to each other, holding objects we can’t see. Both seem a little tipsy.

VERA

And… reveal!

The girls turn around and show each other what they’ve got: sculptures of each other.

Uhhh…

VERA

Uhhhh…

AMIRA

Uhhhhhh…

One of them is… CLEARLY better than the other one.

Vera’s is amazing, and Amira’s is like… really bad.

VERA

Amira…

AMIRA

Please don’t…

Vera does her best to hold back her laughter. She’s grimacing and _barely_ holding on.

VERA

(HOLDING BACK) Is that… s-… supposed to be me?

BEAT.

AMIRA

I tried.

The dam breaks.

Vera bursts out laughing, I mean she’s _wheezing_ here. For a solid beat, Vera just laughs as hard as she ever has, harder even. Amira joins in too, both girls are laughing their heads off for a solid while.

AMIRA

(CATCHING HER BREATH) That… that’s the hardest I ever seen you laugh…!

VERA

It might _be_ the hardest I’ve laughed! What a piece of art… How much? How much to buy it, 2 million?

AMIRA

Alright, don’t…

Vera laughs some more.

AMIRA

(LAUGHING) Don’t fuckin’ patronize me like that, I tried my best! It’s just, y’know… It’s tough! This shit’s fuckin’ tough!

VERA

Oh, man… now I wish I had worked a LOT less hard, imagine how much funnier it would’ve been if we both had sculptures like that?

Amira

Nah for real. You went fuckin’ beast mode on your shit and I _don’t_ know why. Who were you competing against?? You knew I’d be trash! Like, seriously—

Amira admires Vera’s rendering of her.

AMIRA

This shit is exquisite. Nevermind it looking like me, no way I look this pretty.

VERA

You know, you…

Vera pauses a little.

VERA

You do.

Amira’s taken aback by Vera’s compliment. 

AMIRA

(SHY) Come on Vera, d-… don’t make fun of me…

VERA

I mean it.

Vera gets a little closer to Amira.

VERA

Maybe I… Maybe the reason I wanted to do this in the first place was because I wanted a reason to look at you…?

AMIRA

Girl… how drunk are you?

Vera flutters her eyelashes a little.

AMIRA

Too much of the bottle and you start tellin’ me shit you definitely don’t mean.

VERA

How do you know I don’t mean it?

Amira’s quiet for a moment. Vera steps toward her.

VERA

How do you know I don’t think it? Maybe now’s the only time I can be honest.

AMIRA

It… it’s just…

Vera looks down at her with half-lidded eyes. Amira looks away, blushing a little.

VERA

Amira… what can I do for you to believe me?

Vera puts her arms around Amira.

VERA

(QUIET) You’re different.

Vera whispers, her voice a little hoarse.

VERA

I don’t know what it is about you… something about you just… _frees_ me.

Amira looks in Vera’s eyes.

VERA

It’s like I can be myself when I’m with you… It’s such a shame we met so late… But its comfort to me that we met when I could give you _everything_ you've ever wanted.

AMIRA

That’s… really kind of you…

VERA

It’s _far_ from kindness…

Vera gets a little closer to Amira. Amira’s eyes dart to the side. Vera approaches, closer and closer still, until she gets right next to Amira’s ear.

VERA

(WHISPERING) I’d just give anything for you to trust me.

Vera pulls back and places a gentle hand on Amira’s face. Amira blushes ever so slightly at the caress. It might’ve been the drugs, or the alcohol, or the mood, but in this moment… the two are on the same page.

Vera and Amira inch closer and closer together. They approach, patient, as though gauging the other’s reaction. Amira’s heart beats faster, little by little as Vera comes in for a kiss. And at the critical moment, right when they’re about to cross the threshold …

VERA

(V.O.) Amira?

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, STUDENT COUNCIL ROOM – PRESENT DAY

… Amira snaps out of it.

VERA

Amira. I’m asking you if anything happened last night… why are you just zoning out?

AMIRA

Sorry about that…

VERA

So? Spit it out.

Amira looks at Vera, right in the eyes.

AMIRA

… No.

INT. VERA’S PARTY – FLASHBACK

Vera and Amira are about to kiss… when Vera gets a phone call from someone. Vera groans and looks at who it is. Something in her eyes echoes the fact it’s important. She gives Amira a deeply regretful expression. Amira motions for Vera to go ahead. Vera mouths the words “Thank you. Sorry.” and picks it up, before having a lively business-related conversation with someone we don’t know.

AMIRA

(V.O.) Nothin’ happened.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, STUDENT COUNCIL ROOM – PRESENT

amira

Nothin’ at all.

ACT THREE

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, ART CLUB – EVENING

Oz and Polly sit across from each other, beside a window. There’s a chess board between them. Oz’ phobias set up the board, as they’ve done many times before. Polly can’t quite meet Oz’ gaze.

Finally, Oz finishes. Oz is the black side, and Polly’s the white side.

OZ

What’s our record again?

POLLY

… 20 losses for you.

OZ

20… imagine that.

POLLY

Definitely would’ve been a lot more if you hadn’t--…

Polly stops herself.

The two stay silent for a beat.

OZ

Polly, I know what you’re here for. You forgot, didn’t you?

POLLY

… Please don’t be mad.

OZ

I’m not mad.

POLLY

Are you sure?

OZ

I should be asking _you_ that…

POLLY

Why would…

OZ

You’ll understand, I think… So? Where do you want me to start?

POLLY

Just… I just want to know. Did we have sex?

Oz doesn’t say anything. He just stares at Polly’s chess pieces. Polly notices his fixation and grabs one of her pawns, putting it forward two spaces. Oz sighs and grabs one of his own pawns.

INT. VERA’S PARTY, VERA’S BEDROOM – FLASHBACK

Oz is turned around, facing the door, in nothing but his underwear.

OZ

Um… Polly?

As Oz says this, a bra hits the wall adjacent to him.

OZ

O-oh…?

POLLY

Alright, Oz! Turn around! ~

Oz slowly, shyly turns around to see Polly.

Lounging on the bed… fully naked. Save, of course, for the penguin mask.

His jaw hits the floor. Or it would, if he had one.

POLLY

(SULTRY) Heeey ~…

OZ

H-… hello…?

Polly motions for Oz to come closer. Oz waddles over. When Oz gets close enough, Polly grabs him by the arms and pulls him to the bed, holding him down.

OZ

W-woah!

Polly giggles. She traces lines with her finger on his abdomen while straddling him. Oz sort of awkwardly fidgets before waving to her slightly.

OZ

Um… hi.

POLLY

Haha… (WAVING) Hi.

OZ

I can’t… Is this really happening?

POLLY

Oh, it’s real all right. We’ve got this room, all to ourselves… and the best part is…

Polly falls forward, pressing her chest against Oz’. Oz is visibly rattled by the sudden contact.

POLLY

it’s _soundproof_.

OZ

Uh… Uh-huh?

POLLY

Uh-huh.

Oz and Polly just look in each other’s eyes for a solid beat. They inch closer together, clearly Polly’s intending to kiss him, but as they get close Oz pulls back and furrows his brow.

OZ

Polly…

POLLY

Hm?

OZ

Is this… _really_ ok?

POLLY

What do you mean?

OZ

I mean… I mean- y’know, we’re about to--… y’know… and…

Polly giggles as Oz stammers.

POLLY

You’re so cute when you can’t find the words you want to say.

OZ

I’m so… c-cute?

POLLY

Oz… do you want me to let you in on a little secret?

OZ

A secret…?

Polly inches forward, every so slowly, and whispers in Oz’ ear.

POLLY

I’ve been in love with you for the longest time.

OZ

(BLOWN AWAY) Y-… you’ve--?!

POLLY

(GIGGLING) It’s true! You’ve got no idea for how long I’ve been watching you.

OZ

Really…?!

POLLY

Really!

OZ

F-… for how long?

POLLY

For as long as I’ve known you.

OZ

Woah…

POLLY

For as long as I’ve know you, I’ve been thinking about you.

OZ

Woah…!

POLLY

I’ve been fantasizing about this for a long time.

OZ

I… m-… me too.

POLLY

(SMILING) I know you have.

Polly smiles. Oz smiles in return. The two get closer once again, trying to kiss…

… but Oz stops it again.

OZ

Um-…

POLLY

What?

OZ

I was just wondering what… what you liked about me?

BEAT.

POLLY

What I _like_ about you--?

OZ

Yeah, like, why you like me and stuff.

POLLY

Wh-… I mean, Ok? But why now, can’t we just—

OZ

We’ve got all night right? Sorry, I’m just… I’m kinda curious, you know? Like, this is a big moment for me, a girl I’ve had a crush on forever just said she likes me I wanna know what it was that… that she liked.

POLLY

(SIGHING) Well… it’s a lot of things.

OZ

Like what?

POLLY

I-I don’t know, a lot of things!

OZ

What do you think you like most about me?

Polly laughs a little. But Oz is serious. Polly visibly racks her brain.

POLLY

U-uh, well… I like how passionate you are about stuff.

OZ

Passionate?

POLLY

Right! Like, the things you like, you really like them. I remember seeing you read your comics and stuff, trying to draw for a long time… and I thought that was really beautiful, you know?

OZ

Wait you… you remember that?

POLLY

Of course I do! It’s why I like you, right? I like how good you are at drawing too.

OZ

Oh- nah, I’m not that good or anything…

POLLY

No way! You’re amazing, I love your pictures!

OZ

You do?

POLLY

Yes! They’re so beautiful, I have them saved on my phone.

OZ

Really??

POLLY

… Really.

Polly goes to kiss Oz _again—_

OZ

Wait. Wait a second.

POLLY

Hm-mhm. Whaaaat?

OZ

Which pictures?

BEAT.

POLLY

Which—

OZ

Like, which pictures have you seen?

pOLLY

… which pictures have I seen?

OZ

You said they were beautiful, you’ve gotta remember… at least one…

POLLY

I… uh…

Polly gulps.

POLLY

Well! Um… the pictures… Of…

Polly grimaces.

polly

… Me?

BEAT.

Oz’ eyes are wide in horror.

OZ

Oh my god, you SAW THOSE?!

POLLY

Oh shit—(BACKPEDALLLING) Uhhhh I mean—

OZ

You saw those, those drawings?!

POLLY

UM!!

BEAT.

POLLY

… Yes.

OZ

I’m… holy shit, I’m so sorry.

polly

Oz, it’s not that big a deal I _liked_ them!

OZ

But its so creepy! I was drawing pictures of you for _years!_

POLLY

So??

OZ

SO?!

POLLY

So! I saw them, big whoop – I like them, and I like you! They helped me come to terms with how I liked you. Ok? Satisfied? Good.

Polly goes to kiss—

OZ

Hold on, what do you mean.

POLLY

(SERIOUS) Oz.

OZ

Right, I know I’m ruining the moment, but I just have to know. What do you mean “come to terms”?

POLLY

It… It’s like… It’s like I thought I liked you but I wasn’t sure.

OZ

… Uh-huh?

POLLY

And then I saw the drawings and I was like “wow, now I _know_."

OZ

How?

POLLY

What— what do you mean “how,” doesn’t that make sense—

OZ

No, not really?

POLLY

It’s like, I was more able to accept that I liked you after seeing the drawing ‘cause then it was like, “oh he likes me too, clearly”.

OZ

So you… like me because I like you?

BEAT.

POLLY

Oz, how is that even close to what I said—

OZ

It sort of sounds exactly like that, that’s what you said isn’t it?

POLLY

You’re just twisting my words; You twisted my whole meaning—

OZ

What’s the real meaning then because it just sounds to me like—

POLLY

What I mean is—… I mean you _get_ it! Don’t pretend you don’t get it, it totally makes sense! it’s like I _thought_ I liked you but then I saw you liked me so I became more conscious of you. There. Happy? Satisfied?

OZ

… I think.

POLLY

Good… H-hahahaha! Phew, you’re a piece of work aren’t you? This has to be the first time I spoke _this_ much before sex!

OZ

Sorry about that… It’s just, you know how I get self conscious, so…

POLLY

I know, I know… it’s cute.

OZ

H-heheh… Sorry. You’re the first person to ever call me… cute, you know.

POLLY

I’m glad to be your first then.

Oz and Polly look in each other’s eyes. Polly puts a hand on Oz’ cheek. They get closer, ever closer. Oz closes his eyes. Polly closes hers too… they’re centimeters away, then millimeters.

This love story has finally come full circle. Polly is just about to kiss-

OZ

One last thing.

POLLY

(CONTAINING ANGER) OZ!

OZ

I know, I know, I know I shouldn’t but I just have one teensy tiny little thing I wanna ask.

POLLY

Oz I swear to god. LAST thing, ok? Haha… What do you wanna know?

OZ

Polly?

POLLY

Hmmm?

OZ

Is it _fun_ lying to me?

BEAT.

POLLY

What?

OZ

I just wanna know. Is it fun? Are you having fun right now?

POLLY

Wh-… What are you talking about?

OZ

Polly, cut the act.

POLLY

Wh-What “act”—

OZ

So you mean to tell me that a girl like you – one of the most popular, desired, outgoing and beautiful girls to ever go to our school – fell in “love” with some friendless, gutless, mouthless loser because he could “draw well”?

POLLY

Are you implying I _couldn’t?_ Talent is attractive!

OZ

Not just that, you said you realized you liked me after _I_ said – or rather after you _thought_ – I liked you. What?!

POLLY

It happens! Doesn’t that make sense?! I started paying attention to you—

OZ

Polly, stop it. I was too horny to think about it before, I’ll admit it. Maybe I did get dragged around by you all night, but now I’m starting to think this whole thing is suspicious as hell!

POLLY

How?! How is it suspsicious?! Stop it ok, let’s just—

Polly goes to ki—

OZ

(PUSHING POLLY’S MOUTH AWAY) Stop it! We’re not done talking!

POLLY

Well _I_ think we ARE done talking! What the hell is wrong with you?!

OZ

What the hell is wrong with _you?!_ Don’t blame me because your bogus story doesn’t add up!

POLLY

What?! What about it doesn’t add up! Tell me!

OZ

The part where ALL you ever used me for was your _HOMEWORK!_

POLLY

O-Oh, come on! Th-that’s--!

OZ

The truth! All you ever asked of me- all you ever _wanted_ me for- was write your essays and finish your worksheets. If you really “liked me” like you said you did, why didn’t you ever ask me for anything else? Why didn’t you ask me anything about myself?! Why didn’t we become friends until a month ago?!

POLLY

I-- Uhh, I…

OZ

What. Spit it out!

POLLY

I was… shy?

OZ

… Seriously?

POLLY

Yes, I—

OZ

Stop it! You wanna know shyness?! I _actually_ liked you for years! I came to this school, and I saw you and I fell in love with you immediately! When we became “friends” I was ecstatic! It didn’t matter to me all I did for you was homework, and that you obviously didn’t care about me, I was just happy to be near you!

POLLY

I cared--!

OZ

You didn’t! And quite frankly, I don’t see a reason you would even NOW! When our relationship changed, all I ever did was lie to you, be creepy, and DIE! Now suddenly you’re in love with me?! The world’s not that convenient! I don’t know why you’re doing this, whether it’s a prank or some kind of bullying, but I refuse to be part of your machinations!

POLLY

The prettiest girl you’ve ever met is telling you she wants to have sex with you! why can’t you just shut up and let it happen?!

OZ

BECAUSE I’M A FUCKING LOSER!

POLLY

YES, YOU ARE! NOW SHUT UP AND LET ME FUCK YOU!

BEAT.

Oz scowls. Polly breathes heavily, her frustration reaching a boiling point.

OZ

I knew it. Get off me, I’m leaving.

POLLY

You’re not.

OZ

Excuse me—?!

POLLY

YOU’RE NOT!

Polly holds Oz down by the arms as hard as she can. Her ghostly powers seep out with her exasperated huffs.

OZ

WHA--?! POLLY, LET ME GO!

POLLY

You think I spent all that time on you so you could whine on this bed?! I don't give a _shit_ how real you think this is!

Oz struggles against Polly’s grip.

OZ

Let me go right now!

POLLY

NO! What the fuck do you want from me?! I worked for a god damn _month_ to bring you back, and now you think I’m lying to you because I don’t know how to flatter your ego enough?!

OZ

 _WHAT_ ego?!

POLLY

The ego that’s telling you I don’t _actually_ like you because I don’t have a notebook full of drawing of you, you fucking psycho!

OZ

See?? You think I'm a _psycho!_

POLLY

Oh, shut the fuck up--!

OZ

I don’t buy anything you’re telling me! You’ve lied to me for long enough, I’m _not_ going to let you take advantage of me!

POLLY

I _KNOW_ I have! But I’ve changed! And now you’re acting like I haven’t just because you weren’t there to see it! 

OZ

Face it Polly, there’s not way it’s real! I _can’t_ believe this!

POLLY

THEN START BELIEVING! I WILL NOT LET YOU STEAL THIS FROM ME!

OZ

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU EVEN WANT ME FOR?!

POLLY

I WANT YOU AROUND!

Silence.

Polly realizes what she’s just said. Oz realizes too. Oz’ eyes widen in shock. Polly breathes sorrowfully.

POLLY

… I want you around. I want you near me… I want you. And… and I know I'm awful for you, so…

Polly hands tremble.

POLLY

So what else am I supposed to do?! I don’t know any way to make people want to be near me than _this!_ I--…

Polly’s tears, borne from frustration and self-loathing, fall on Oz’ face.

POLLY

… I’m _nothing_ other than this.

OZ

Polly… you’re not. You’re _not!_ Do you _really_ see yourself like this?! This is not _you!_

BEAT.

POLLY

… "It’s not me."

Polly smiles sadly.

POLLY

It’s not me, is it?

Polly’s sadness… very suddenly, and very decidedly shifts to anger.

POLLY

THEN WHAT IS?!

Polly finally unhands Oz as she gets up, grabbing the guac and the marbles.

POLLY

THEN WHAT IS, YOU PIECE OF SHIT?!

OZ

P-… Polly?! Polly, wait!

Polly whips off the penguin mask and throws it away.

OZ

Wh-What are you doing?!

POLLY

Why do you care?! You didn’t want this anyway, why are _you_ complaining?!

Furious, she puts all her clothes back on.

OZ

We’re not done talking--!

POLLY

We ARE!

Polly whips the door open.

OZ

Polly, don’t go!

Polly stops. She doesn’t turn around. If she did, Oz would see how mad she is.

polly

Oz… when you say you like me, who is it that you like? Because, regardless of what you think, what I just gave you was me. You didn’t want it? Guess what that means.

oz

Polly you’re misinterpreting this--

POLLY

I assure you I’m not. Because the only thing that I’m “interpreting” is that the truth isn’t enough for you. Once again… guess what that means.

Oz looks remorseful.

POLLY

… I can't believe I ever thought you were a nice guy.

OZ

Polly--!

Oz tries to get up and follow Polly. Polly takes the marbles and throws them at Oz’ face.

OZ

OW!

POLLY

(COLD) Do not. Follow me.

Polly gives Oz a deadly glare. Oz relents and Polly leaves.

INT. VERA’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS

Polly walks briskly out of the house. On her way to the door she sees Zoe.

ZOE

H-heheh, hey Polly!

Drunk.

ZOE

Wazzup? How’d things end with _Oz—_

Polly, triggered by the mention of his name, throws the guac on Zoe’s hoodie.

ZOE

… H-huh…?

Polly walks toward the door and whips her phone out, dialing the first number she sees alphabetically: Amira.

POLLY

(ON PHONE) Amira, get your ass over here. I’ll be at the city center in fifteen minutes. I’m not letting the night end yet. (RESPONDING) I don’t give a shit if Miranda comes! I just wanna get drunk and forget this night EVER happened!

Polly closes the door behind her.

Zoe’s the only one left. Guacamole drips off her hoodie.

BEAT.

zoe

… that was my only shirt.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CLASSROOM – PRESENT DAY

Oz moves his pawn two spaces.

OZ

That’s about it.

Oz looks up.

Polly is… shattered.

A swirling mix of emotions spreads across her face: anger, fear, confusion, relief, regret, everything.

She looks like she wants to say something but… what?

Everything was just… laid bare. She didn’t have sex with Oz, but is that better or worse?

OZ

Polly… um…

Oz doesn’t exactly know what to say either. Polly looks down. So does he. Silence.

Eventually, Oz gathers his courage enough to look back at her. The moonlight caresses her form. Despite everything… it’s still Polly.

OZ

… Remember when you told me what being dead was like?

Polly looks up and nods slightly.

OZ

You were right. It really did feel like I was just… drifting forever. Being washed away by ocean waves I couldn’t see. But… it wasn’t lonely. Not for me at least… because I was thinking that whole time, you know? The whole time I didn’t have my form, I was thinking about one thing. You.

Oz scratches the back of his neck.

OZ

The you that _I_ thought was real. _This_ you. The you to whom…

Oz points to the board.

OZ

 _… This_ is what matters.

Polly furrows her brow and looks at the board.

… Her eyes widen in shock as soon as she sees it.

OZ

I did it. I told you I would.

Polly has no moves. Checkmate.

OZ

I ran it in my head over and over again. This is what I looked forward to more than anything. I think the reason I hurt you last night… is because I couldn’t find the courage to tell you that. 

Oz looks away anxiously.

OZ

I want to say "I'm sorry" … and I am… But would those words make all this okay? I wouldn't forgive myself if I were you… Words can only mean as much as the actions that come with them. So… I hope _this_ can count as a good apology. And I hope… I can understand you better. And that you can understand me a little more too.

Polly… finds it in herself to smile. She looks over the board once again, confirming her loss.

POLLY

You did it…

Polly looks out at the moon in the sky.

POLLY

… You got me.

FADE OUT:

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that concludes the Oz Resurrection Arc. To everyone who's read up to this point, I thank you sincerely! This was, in a way, the mid-season finale of the first season of this "show." The reception to the Oz arc has been amazing, so I hope it only further intrigues you for what's in store. 
> 
> On that subject, I wanted to mention that the next seven episodes are going to follow a similar structure as the first 6 - more episodic stories that are connected through overarching continuity and develop existing relationships and characters rather than an "arc" like the one we just went through. 
> 
> Aside from that, just thank you again for reading, I can never say it enough. Stay safe out there.


	14. Vicky Ruins Everything

FADE IN:

INT. POLLY’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM – MORNING 

Polly’s apartment! On any given day it’s a big mess, and honestly more akin to a trash pile than a home, but today is not one of those days! The apartment is spotless, more than that, it’s decorated! Bandoliers hang from the walls, balloons, party favors – Polly’s apartment has been decorated to the nines for a birthday party.

Scott sits at the head of the table, a bright smile on his face, and surrounded by all his closest friends.

VICKY

(O.S., SINGING) Happy birthday to you--!

Vicky enters the room, a marvelous, powdered sugar-sprinkled cake in tow. Everyone sings along with her.

EVERYONE

(SINGING) Happy birthday to you--!

Scott beams from ear to ear. Vicky puts the cake right in front of Scott.

EVERYONE

(SINGING) Happy birthday to you, dear… _Liam._

… The cake says “Happy Birthday Liam”. Pan over to Liam, who raises a hand in acknowledgement that it is, in fact, actually _his_ birthday.

BRIAN

Wait, wha--?

EVERYONE (besides BRIAN)

(SINGING) Happy birthday to you!!

Everyone claps and cheers. Vicky, then, out of nowhere—

VICKY

Hiya!

Shoves Scott’s face in the cake! Classic prank! Everyone’s startled at the sudden cake explosion.

VICKY

Haha! Pranked ya! You’ve been pranked, mister!

Scott doesn’t budge.

VICKY

… P-… Pranked ya…

Scott still doesn’t move. He’s face down on the cake, totally silent. Totally inert.

VICKY

Uh…

DAMIEN

Is he ok?

BRIAN

Think he’s trying to figure out why the cake says “Liam”?

LIAM

It’s _my_ birthday, Brian. It’s just I can’t eat, so I always gave my cake to Scott, and I’ve done it so many times now that my birthday’s morphed into Scott’s second.

BRIAN

Huh, kind of you.

LIAM

 _Barely_ , I’ve had it up to here with birthdays… (MUTTERING) I’ve had 400…

MIRANDA

Scott’s still not moving. Is this grounds for panic? I feel as though this is grounds for panic.

VERA

Relax, Miranda, this isn’t grounds for panic.

Vera sets a timer on her phone for eight minutes.

BRIAN

What’s that?

VERA

Average time until brain death due to asphyxia occurs in a healthy male in his early 20s.

BEAT.

VERA

You may panic now, by the way.

Everyone panics.

MIRANDA

(ON PHONE) Hey Siri? Please panic.

SIRI

“Sorry, I didn’t understand that.”

MIRANDA

(MUTTERING) Apparently, you don’t understand your _place_ either…

SIRI

“Sorry, I didn’t understand that--”

Damien lights a match.

BRIAN

For what reason. Give me one reason, Damien.

Damien plops the match on a piece of cake-sludge and blows it out.

DAMIEN

… Alright, I made a wish. Did it work? Is Scott back?

LIAM

(SARCASTIC) I don’t know, Damien, do you _suddenly_ have magic powers?

DAMIEN

DAMNIT! WHY DIDN’T I WISH FOR MAGIC POWERS?!

MIRANDA

Miss Siri, I will tear YOU LIMB FROM LIMB IF YOU--!

SIRI

“I’m sorry, I didn’t understand that.”

MIRANDA

(MURDEROUS) You will rue this day.

BRIAN

Hey, Vicky. P-… pull him up or something, he’s gotta be choking by now!

Vicky strains against Scott, trying her hardest to lift him up.

VICKY

(STRAINING) I’m--! Trying, but--! His bulging muscles are too--! HEAVY! HNNNNNNNNNG--!

Scott jumps to his feet, sending Vicky flying back.

VICKY

(BEING FLUNG) Woah!

Scott stands stock still, cake on his face. He shakes for a moment, before opening his eyes… they’re blood red. Scott snarls and howls, before turning to the wall behind him and crashing through. He jumps into the street, causing mayhem and destruction. BEAT.

Polly enters the room.

POLLY

(O.S., ABSENTMINDED) Yooo, Vicky! Just wanted to let you know not to do the party right now ‘cause I forgot to buy powdered sugar this morning. I’m gonna go… (TRAILING OFF) … Grab some…

Polly notices the mayhem in the living room. Vicky looks down at the cake she gave Scott. It’s powdered in… what surely must be powdered sugar… right?

vicky

(HORRIFIED) … you’re out of powdered sugar?

POLLY

… Vicky. The stuff you put on this cake… 2nd drawer from the left?

VICKY

(TERRIFIED) Yeah?

POLLY

My coke stash.

Everyone turns to Vicky. Vicky’s eyes widen in terror.

BEAT.

Scott rips a cop car in half in the background.

TITLE: “VICKY RUINS EVERYTHING”

THEME SONG

ACT ONE

EXT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, FOOTBALL FIELD – MORNING

The Spooky High School football team participates in morning practice. Vicky sits on a bench looking on with great worry.

Scott is very worn out. He’s not playing to his capability at all. He has dark circles under his eyes, and drags his feet doing drills. Players around him try to coax him out of his state but can’t.

Cut back to Vicky. She fidgets a little. Vera stands next to her, whistle around her neck, staring daggers down at her.

VICKY

… Ok, before you yell at me, I just wanna say… I don’t like it when you yell at me so please don’t.

BEAT.

Vera laughs.

vera

(SMILING) Oh! Oh I see… you don’t like it when I yell at you?

VICKY

(MUMBLING) No—

VERA

(CONCERNED) Ah… you don’t! Oh, I’m so sorry! I must’ve scared you, huh?

VICKY

(MUMBLING) Yeah—

VERA

Agh, why didn’t you just tell me? Now I feel like a real jerk! Geez louise, that’s… you know, that’s really unfortunate. I’m sorry! I’m really sorry, I apologize… profusely for scaring you.

BEAT.

Vera motions for Vicky to come closer.

VERA

Come. Come closer I wanna tell you a secret.

VICKY

I—

VERA

Come! Come on, don’t be scared… come closer.

Vicky gets closer. Vera walks up, cups her hands around Vicky’s ear… Breathes in and—-

vera

(SCREAMING) YOU DUMB PIECE OF SHIT!

Vicky jumps back, holding her ear.

VICKY

O-Oww!

VERA

YOU DROOLING TROGLODYTE! YOU ABSOLUTE WASTE OF OXYGEN! I’M GONNA RIP YOU PIECE BY FUCKING PIECE YOU JIGSAW-SKINNED, MONKEY-BRAINED, KNUCKLE-DRAGGING DUMBASS!

VICKY

Wh-wh-what did I do?!

VERA

WHAT DID YOU--?!

Vera breathes in _deep_.

VERA

All my blood vessels are gonna pop. I can feel it, I’m gonna have a _fucking_ aneurysm at 22. (ENRAGED) “What did you do”? It is a week before the playoffs. ONE. Week. I’ve spent _so_ much of my time – so much of my FREE time – making absolutely _sure_ that nothing could possibly go wrong in these CRITICAL days before the tournament. And just when I thought things might go right?

Vera cackles in disbelief.

VERA

Here you come. The football team’s very own… _cancerous_ growth. The _tumor_ on this organization. Vicky “I turned my football team’s only good player into a junkie 7 days before the most important tournament of his life” Schmidt.

Vicky bites her lower lip and trembles. She’s crying.

VERA

Awww, gonna cry? Gonna cry over how useless you are? Awwwwwww… Don’t worry you’re not _totally_ useless.

Vera puts a hand on Vicky’s shoulder.

VERA

You are the world’s _greatest_ argument for birth control. I’ve never seen a more convincing case. (COLD) Pack your shit. Never show your face around me again.

BRIAN

(O.S.) Is _this_ how you run this team, Vera?

Vera looks over her shoulder, to Brian. Making good on his promise from last time, Brian has joined the football team. He’s got the football gear on over his number 13 jersey.

BRIAN

Quit yelling at Vicky or I’ll tell the _actual_ coach.

VERA

(SCOFFING) The _actual_ coach? You mean _me_ , right? Look, _I_ have the whistle.

BRIAN

(LAUGHING) Who cares about the whistle, what are you, 12? That thing doesn’t mean anything.

VERA

Oh, it means something.

BRIAN

Like what?

Vera blows the whistle.

VERA

(THROUGH LOUDSPEAKER) We’re doing 50 40s! Minute break between each 40-yard sprint!

The entire team groans.

VERA

(THROUGH LOUDSPEAKER) And if anyone lags behind we’re doing 50 60s!

The entire team groans even harder.

VERA

(THROUGH LOUDSPEAKER) Thank Brian for this.

The team expresses their hatred for Brian.

VERA

(SMUG) But who cares about the whistle, right?

BRIAN

Guess I was wrong. 12 was _way_ too high an age to guess considering your maturity.

VERA

Do you want to do 50 80s, tampon boy?

BRIAN

I’m telling you this right now.

Brian steps right up to Vera. Vera doesn’t flinch at all.

BRIAN

Vicky’s staying.

VERA

Brian, if you’re trying to get kicked off this team, there are much more respectable hills to die on than the pile of shit this girl put us all under.

BRIAN

Like what? The hill of bitching and moaning and getting rid of the one person in this school who believed in this team since before they were any good? Because I can’t die on that hill while your fat ass is still on it.

VERA

(ENRAGED) I--!

BRIAN

Let’s make a deal, Vera. I’m gonna do 50 100-yard sprints. If I can finish that before the rest of the team finishes 50 40s, you let Vicky stay on the team, you give Scott a few days off, and you let her nurse him back to normalcy and at least _try_ to make up for her mistake.

VERA

And if you lose?

BRIAN

I never talk to you, or your sister again.

Vera raises an eyebrow.

BRIAN

And I drop out.

Vera raises her eyebrow higher.

BRIAN

And I let you kick me down the mountain.

VERA

Perfect. It’s a deal… Oh, how I love all my problems fixing themselves for me.

Vera blows the whistle. The team starts running. Brian stretches and cracks his neck.

VERA

That was for you too, by the way.

BRIAN

I know. I’m giving them a head start. (COCKY) Vicky’ll get bored watching if its not at least a _little_ close.

Vicky manages to smile a little. Brian walks onto the field.

Vera sits down on a bench and chuckles to herself.

VERA

(HAUGHTY) What a loser. What does he think he can do?

Brian takes off. While he runs, we stay on Vera and Vicky, who are observing him.

BEAT.

Vera’s smile drops.

VICKY

… He just finished one.

Vera’s eye twitches.

VERa

… this is fine.

TEXT: “50 100 YARD SPRINTS LATER…”

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, LOCKER ROOM – LATER

Vicky’s in the locker room, sitting on a bench, turned away from Scott sitting beside her.

Vicky

(TO HERSELF) Alright, Vicky, time to show Vera you’re not useless!

Vicky turns back toward Scott and clears her throat.

VICKY

Scott! How are you feeling?

SCOTT

I-Itchy…

Scott itches himself.

SCOTT

Itchy and cold.

VICKY

That doesn’t sound good… Scott, do you know why you’re here?

SCOTT

Because I suck at football now?

VICKY

N-No! No, no way, no way that’ll ever happen. You’re here because you had a lapse in judgement. (MUTTERING) Ok, technically I had a lapse in judgement, but let’s just forget about that for now…

SCOTT

I didn’t know you could do laps in “Judgement” … How many did I do?

VICKY

Not those laps. Scott, the cake I gave was… uhh… not good.

SCOTT

Really? But it made me feel _really_ good.

VICKY

Th-that’s the problem! It wasn’t supposed to, it was meant to make you feel… uh, well I guess good, but--

SCOTT

So what’s the problem?

VICKY

No I mean-- Agh! I’m confusing myself! Let’s just start over: Scott. The cake I gave you had a weird ingredient on it called…

Vicky swallows the word. Scott looks _very_ interested in what this ingredient is.

VICKY

… C. It’s called “C” let’s just call it “C”.

SCOTT

“C”…

VICKY

Right! And “C” is--

SCOTT

(FINISHING) Incredible.

VICKY

It’s not, it is NOT incredible it’s very _bad._

scott

But it made me feel--

VICKY

I know it made you feel good, but it’s really bad! It’s bad for you!

SCOTT

… But it--

VICKY

Scott, please!

SCOTT

Then explain, how is something that makes me feel good… bad for me?

VICKY

Easy, it’s like… sugar! For example. Sugar’s bad for you.

Scott’s eyes widen.

SCOTT

(BEWILDERED) … Sugar’s _bad_ for you?!

VICKY

(GROANING) Oh, god…

SCOTT

Since when?!

VICKY

Ok, technically sugar’s not bad for you when it’s just a little, but too much and you’ll see adverse health effects--

Scott blinks.

VICKY

(DUMBING DOWN) … too much sugar and you’ll get fat.

SCOTT

And fat is…

VICKY

Bad.

SCOTT

Ok… So what you’re saying is…

Vicky looks at Scott expectantly.

SCOTT

… If I do too much “C” I’ll get fat.

BEAT.

VICKY

It would be so tempting to just say yes and be done with it--

SCOTT

But if I get fat, I can be a sumo wrestler. And I love sumo wrestlers and I’ll feel good, so why is it bad?

VICKY

And that’s exactly why I didn’t say anything. Alright! New strategy.

Vicky reaches below the bench and pulls out a poster.

VICKY

Brian told me about this, he said it worked when he was a kid so here’s hoping it works when you’re an adult:

Vicky unfurls the poster. It’s a (homemade) “D.A.R.E.” ad.

VICKY

Scott, do you know what this is?

SCOTT

“D.A.R.E.”?

VICKY

That’s right. This tells you to _not_ do drugs! Don’t… don’t do drugs!

SCOTT

What’s the acronym?

BEAT.

Vicky peeks out from behind the poster.

VICKY

… What?

SCOTT

What’s the acronym? What does “D.A.R.E.” stand for?

Vicky blinks a few times.

VICKY

Uhhh, yes! Yes, Scott, exactly! H-haha, “D.A.R.E.” the acronym… I _totally_ know what it stands for! (MUTTERING) Brian _definitely_ told me what it meant…

Scott looks at Vicky, confused. Vicky clears her throat.

VICKY

U-uh, so! “D.A.R.E.”! Stands for… (POINTING AT LETTERS) “Drugs Are Really…”

BEAT.

Vicky draws a blank.

scott

Exquisite?

VICKY

N-no! No, definitely not that. (MUTTERING) Oh my god I’m drawing a blank, what’s a negative word that starts with E…? Why am I blanking…? Ummm… (STARTING OVER, POINTING AT LETTERS) “Drugs are really… Really…!”

SCOTT

Epic?

VICKY

No! It’s not-- I was lying before, it doesn’t say “Drugs are really” anything it stands for “Don’t. Accept. Uh… Recreational…”

Vicky taps the bench trying to come up with something.

BEAT.

VICKY

“… SubstancEs”.

SCOTT

… Substanseez?

vicky

No, it’s like… SubstancEs. It’s like Substanc _es_ but with… emphasis on E, so it’s substan… cEs.

SCOTT

… But “substances” starts with S--?

VICKY

W-weird, right? H-haha, weird… uh, but that’s it! That’s what it stands for, so when you see--… when someone tries to give you… “C”… you remember… “D.A.R.E.”. “Don’t Accept Recreational… substancEs”.

BEAT.

SCOTT

… Do you have any cake left?

Vicky drops the poster and sighs, defeated

ACT TWO

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, GYMNASIUM, COACH’S OFFICE – LATER

Vera’s gathered the team in the coach’s office to go over some plays.

VERA

(WRITING ON BOARD) Do you guys get it? When we run plays like this, Damien always stands around with his thumb up his ass like the coast is _suddenly_ going to clear for him. You’re useless here! You need to clear the guard, so Scott has more options offensively when we go against a team that _doesn’t_ suck.

damien

(WHISPERING) Dude, check this out.

Vera whips around, furious.

VERA

Are you guys even listening?!

Damien, the man in question, is showing Brian some pokemans cards.

DAMIEN

(WHISPERING) What do you think?

BRIAN

(WHISPERING) Pretty shiny…

DAMIEN

(WHISPERING) Pretty shiny, right?

VERA

Hey!

Vera tweets the whistle. Everyone recoils at the sudden loud noise.

VERA

Damien! Listen!

DAMIEN

Ow! What the hell do you want, Vera?!

VERA

What I _want_ is to win football games! Clearly, I’m the _only_ one who wants to, since _none_ of you are listening! Are you paying attention, you spicy red baby?!

Vera slaps the whiteboard a few times.

VERA

You suck at football! Listen to me and stop sucking!

Damien rolls his eyes and stares annoyed at Vera. Vera sighs and turns back toward the whiteboard.

VERA

… Anyway. Damien, when you get faced with defenders going this direction, you can get around them by going _here--_

DAMIEN

(O.S., WHISPERING) What about this card, what do you think?

Vera’s grinds her teeth and she turns around slowly, hoping against hope that what she knows is happening isn’t.

BRIAN

(WHISPERING) That one’s a little less shiny, but it’s still pretty shiny.

DAMIEN

(WHISPERING) It’s shiny, huh?

Vera rattles the whiteboard around.

VERA

HELLOOOOO?! I’M FUCKING TALKING, HERE!

Vera tweets her whistle again.

The boys cover their ears, but after the sound dissipates, they all return to their disinterested expressions.

Vera

Tell me! What is so god damn interesting that you’re _ignoring_ me, your _COACH_! I’m here wasting my time trying to whip you losers into contending shape and you’re making me regret it a hundred times more than you usually do!

Vera huffs. The boys barely even register it.

BEAT.

BRIAN

Hey, Damien.

DAMIEN

Yeah?

BRIAN

You know when we run offensive plays like the one on that whiteboard?

DAMIEN

Yeah, I know plays like that, we ran one against pixie prep.

BRIAN

When we run plays like that, you tend to act aimless while the block’s standing in your way. So, it’d help the team if you tried to free yourself, so Scott has more options for who to pass to.

DAMIEN

Huh, you’re right… I guess I _do_ do that. Sorry, Brian.

BRIAN

It’s cool. Just watch out next time.

DAMIEN

For sure.

BEAT.

Vera drops her whistle, murder in her eyes.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CAFETERIA – LUNCHTIME

Vera sits, pensive and determined. Her snakes are eating but she isn’t.

VERA

… I’m in trouble.

Pan over to beside her where Liam sits, a wide grin on his face.

LIAM

Is it still my birthday??

VERA

Not now, Liam, I’m not in the mood today.

LIAM

I know.

Liam grabs a bucket of popcorn from below the table and eats from it.

LIAM

Go on, what’s getting under your skin?

Vera sighs.

VERA

I knew it’d happen eventually with such a chauvinistic organization, but I think I’m starting to lose my grip on the football team. Up to now, I’ve kept the boys in line and in winning shape by enforcing my will, but recently they’re starting to defy me… I can see no other reason than _him._

Vera watches Brian across the room, grabbing his food from the lunch lady.

VERA

It’s because he showed me up this morning, I’m sure… they think that since he outdid me _once_ , suddenly I’m not as imposing. _Suddenly,_ Vera’s not the alpha anymore. This is critical… (FRUSTRATED) The fucking problems keep piling up today, don’t they? I’m those boys’ coach, and the only one on the team with a brain. If they don’t do _exactly_ as I say, we’re back to the pathetic team we were! I’m not letting those morons DRAG ME INTO THEIR MEDIOCRITY!

Even Liam, who was originally enjoying this, is taken aback by Vera’s incredible anger.

LIAM

A-Are you okay, Vera?

VERA

Do I _look_ okay?!

Vera’s eye twitches.

VERA

I have no choice. I need to show the team what a total LOSER Brian is to they stop respecting his word and start respecting mine…

Brian, from across the room, walks with his food over to a table with Valerie. They greet each other as Brian sits next to her. They look really close, talking with vivacity.

Vera has an idea.

VERA

Yes… YES! This is perfect! That dull zombie’s fond of my sister! Usually just recalling that fact makes me retch but just today it might be fortuitous… All I need to do to reclaim my place is get some embarrassing secret on Brian and spread it around the team, and who’s more likely to know his secrets than Valerie!

Cut back to Vera: She’s got a magazine rolled up and has been spying at her sister and Brian through it this whole time.

VERA

Brian, your downfall is imminent… enjoy your days of popularity while you still can! MUAHAHAHA!

Vera cackles insanely to herself. She’s unhinged.

Vera’s laughter is interrupted by Liam, who taps her on the shoulder and… wordlessly offers her a xanax.

BEAT.

Vera flicks Liam on the forehead.

LIAM

Ow!

INT. PAPA FAUN’S PIZZA – NOON

Vicky and Scott are sitting in a booth seat at Papa Faun’s pizzeria, assumably waiting for a tasty pie.

VICKY

Alright, Scott, I’ve thought of a tactic that’ll for sure make you stop craving for hard drugs. The name of the game is framing! As in, let’s _reframe_ the way you see… uh, “C”.

An employee drops by their table and hands them an extra-large pizza. Scott salivates as soon as he sees it.

VICKY

Yeah, you see that Scott? That’s a meat lover’s pizza. It’s a pizza made for meat lovers!

SCOTT

 _I’m_ a meat lover…

VICKY

This is your pizza! You like it?

Scott emphatically nods yes.

VICKY

That’s good because guess what!

Vicky drops a wrapped bag of white powder on the table. It looks exactly like a brick of cocaine.

VICKY

 _This_ is a bag of powdered sugar meant only to _symbolically_ represent what you’re addicted to. Weird that they sold it to me in _this_ packaging though, that’s misleading…

Scott looks at the bag of sugar and salivates toward it as well.

VICKY

Ah-ah-ah! Wait just a second, though!

Vicky pushes the pizza and the bag of sugar as far away from each other as possible on the table. Scott looks at each in turn.

VICKY

Do you get it? You can only have one of these.

SCOTT

I can only have one…?

VICKY

That’s right! You can either have delicious, scrumptious, n-… “nutritious” pizza that makes you happy and is _legal_ , OR… (TURNING EMPHATICALLY TO WHITE POWDER) Nasty, stinky, very bad drugs.

Vicky shakes her head to emphasize the nasty stinkiness of drugs. Scott mulls this over.

SCOTT

(POINTING TO PIZZA) That one’s good…

VICKY

Yes! Yes, it’s great, it’s _so_ good.

SCOTT

(POINTING TO POWDER) That one’s bad…

VICKY

Indeed, we hate it. Booo! Booooo, drug!

Vicky gives the drugs a thumbs down.

SCOTT

And I can only have one.

VICKY

Yes. That’s the thing about drugs, Scott, when you choose them, you lose things! Like “C” now? Watch how much you’ll enjoy it when you can NEVER eat pizza again!

Scott looks deep in thought.

VICKY

Drugs take things from you. When you use them too much, you start thinking you can’t live without them! Hear me Scott, if you start doing drugs and drinking and all that stuff, you’ll lose everything you love! _That’s_ what drugs do to your life.

BEAT.

Polly's right beside their table, stone-faced. She's in a Papa Faun’s employee outfit; She’s the one who brought them the pizza.

Vicky finally notices.

VICKY

Wait, Polly? What are you doing here?

POLLY

I work here, Vicky.

VICKY

Oh, you work here. (REALIZING) Wait, you work here?!

POLLY

Uhh, yeah? I’m wearing the dumb outfit and everything.

VICKY

You are…

POLLY

What about you, Vicky? What are _you_ doing here, since apparently we’re in the mood to ask dumb questions?

VICKY

Geez, Polly, are you ok? You seem kind of…

POLLY

Kind of what? Pissed off? Pissed over this dumbass minimum wage bullshit?

VICKY

I was gonna say angry, you’re the one who swore all those times… I was just surprised to see you working. You give off a very… cashless vibe.

POLLY

Yeah, well… (SIGHING) Alright, full disclosure my rent’s coming up and I’m trying to make ends meet.

VICKY

Oh, I see…

POLLY

Yeah, it’s… it’s been pretty tough for me recently.

VICKY

(EMPATHETIC) I can’t believe it… I feel really bad, Polly, I wish I could help.

POLLY

You do?

VICKY

Yes, I do—

POLLY

So, you’ll tip 25% is what you’re saying? Thanks Vicky.

VICKY

(RESIGNED) I knew it…

At that moment, a wisp of white powder washes over Polly and Vicky. The girls turn to Scott to see his face dunked in powder.

VICKY

(DISSAPOINTED) Scott, no…!

Scott slowly raises his face and blinks.

SCOTT

… This isn’t the cake powder.

VICKY

Of _course_ It’s not! You were supposed to pick the pizza!

SCOTT

I did.

Scott reaches under the pile of powder and pulls out the pizza.

SCOTT

I chose both. Look! Scott’s using his noodle!

Vicky deflates at this.

VICKY

Why’s this so hard… is Scott _ever_ going to stop craving cocai— I mean “C”?

POLLY

Oh, is that what you’re trying to do?

VICKY

Yes! _Obviously_ yes.

POLLY

Giving him drugs _and_ pizza and telling him to pick the pizza isn’t gonna work, that idea’s garbage.

VICKY

Polly, I know it just failed but my idea was good. Don’t diss it or I won’t tip you 25% _and_ I’ll be sad. Which, um, is just as bad, hopefully.

POLLY

Vicky, all you’re teaching Scott by doing this is to associate pizza and drugs. Now he probably wants drugs even _more_ _._

VICKY

… Ok, but on paper, my idea was—

POLLY

Vicky, who cares if Scott’s addicted to drugs! _I’m_ addicted to drugs and nothing bad _ever_ happened to me! I’m totally fine.

BEAT.

POLLY

(INWARDLY) … I’m totally fine.

VICKY

Polly, I’ll tip you 30% if you give me a good idea.

POLLY

A good idea to _stop_ doing drugs. Right, because if anyone’s got one its—

Polly points to her nametag.

POLLY

Polly fucking Geist.

vicky

Listen, I know you love drugs and hate helping, but if you give me a hint of _something_ that might help, I’ll really appreciate it. This is my fault! I… I wanna help Scott! And, more pressingly, I want Vera to respect my spot on the football team! (MUTTERING) Calling me a cancerous growth is really mean…

POLLY

You’re still on the football team? What do you do, hand water bottles?

VICKY

N-no!

Vicky pouts.

VICKY

… I also give out towels.

POLLY

(UNIMPRESSED) Uh-huh…

VICKY

It’s an important job!

POLLY

Yeah, and I bet you’re great at it. That’s exactly why they made the playoffs exactly zero times while you were there.

VICKY

Wow, you’re really not working for tips, are you?

POLLY

‘Cause I already worked for this tip. You owe me this tip.

VICKY

Keep it up and I might not owe you _anything…_

POLLY

Alright, _fine._ Try to give Scott an intervention. Get his friends or his cousins or the team or whatever together and ask them to tell him off. He sorta listens to them, don’t you, Scott?

Scott’s splayed out on the table, powder still on his face.

SCOTT

(GROANING) Uhnnnn…

VICKY

An intervention! Genius!

POLLY

Barely.

VICKY

Vera’s sure to see how useful I am now!

POLLY

Who are you doing this for?

VICKY

Still figuring that out, I think.

Vicky jumps up to her feet and drags the powdered Scott away.

VICKY

Come along Scott! We’re gonna cure you with the power of… disappointment from your peers!

SCOTT

(BEING DRAGGED) Whuh…?

Polly doesn’t move. She just stares straight ahead, obvious dissatisfaction on her face.

BEAT.

Vicky comes back and pulls her wallet out.

VICKY

Your tip, sorry…

POLLY

Did you seriously almost dine and dash?

VICKY

I said I was sorry!

INT. VALERIE’S STORE – AFTERNOON

The door to Valerie’s store dings. Vera makes a beeline toward the counter behind which Valerie stands, organizing shelves with her back turned.

VALERIE

Hello, welcome to my shop, (TURNING AROUND, NOTICING IT’S VERA) And it’s Vera, and she’s pissed, so I bet this is gonna take--

Vera gets to the counter and slams her hands on it.

VALERIE

… Forever. What do you want, Vera--?

VERA

(INTERRUPTING) I want Brian’s weakness. _NOW._

valerie

Sorry, we’re out of stock.

VERA

Valerie, don’t fuck with me. This is important.

VALERIE

What a coincidence! So is Brian.

VERA

(SCOFFING) More important than _me?_

VALERIE

I never said that—

VERA

SO HELP ME TAKE HIM DOWN!

VALERIE

Relax, _please._

VERA

I need to ruin Brian’s reputation _immediately._ Help me with this or so help me I’ll—!

VALERIE

I seriously _doubt_ that you would ever “need” this. What did Brian even do, I thought you two were cool! Or at least I was hoping as much… (MUTTERING) Do I need to start meddling with you two?

VERA

He’s getting in the way of me coaching my team. I’m here busting my ass every day for these idiots and he’s just there mansplaining everything I say! I’m not letting _anyone_ mansplain me! Fucking NOBODY!

VALERIE

(INCREDULOUS) _He’s_ mansplaining you. Brian is?

VERA

YES! He just did it this morning!

BRIAN

(O.S.) If I’m allowed to defend myself…

Vera turns to Brian, who exits the storeroom.

VALERIE

Hey Brian.

BRIAN

Hey Val. Is it just me or am I in this fucking storeroom every day?

VALERIE

What, am _I_ supposed to carry all that junk? That’s why I’ve got you!

BRIAN

Keep it up and I’m gonna unionize. (TO VERA) You said I was mansplaining you?

VERA

Isn’t that exactly what you were doing?

BRIAN

I know you’re not gonna believe this, since people saying things are out of your depth makes you itch, but it’s a little more complicated than that.

VERA

What’s there to complicate? I was talking to the team and they didn’t hear what I said until _you_ said it, but worse. What’s the difference between us, huh? Tell me!

Brian just stares at Vera.

VERA

Exactly! (MATTER OF FACT) I’m a woman.

Brian rubs his temple.

BRIAN

(EXASPERATED) Are we really doing this…?

VERA

The only thing _we’re doing_ , is throwing your reputation in the garbage, and your everything else in the trash. And then _finally_ I’ll have peace…

BRIAN

Mhm. Cool. You wanna know my weakness?

VERA

I--

BRIAN

I have a weak heart. I’ve never been to a doctor for it or anything but I’m pretty sure that’s what I have. If I drink or do drugs or whatever I’ll start gasping like a fish out of water. It’s super embarrassing.

Vera steps back, perplexed.

BRIAN

That’s what you wanted, right?

VERA

Why are you just _telling_ me—

BRIAN

Vera, you’re smart enough to know I’m telling you because it won’t matter.

Brian walks towards the door.

BRIAN

Don’t worry, I’m nowhere _near_ petty enough to hold today against you. Everybody has days they don’t act like themselves. See you at practice.

Brian leaves the store.

BEAT.

VERA

(SINISTER) A weak heart and an aversion to drugs… useful. _Very_ useful.

Vera rubs her hands evilly.

VERA

Brian, I will take your dignity and throw it in the most vicious of metaphorical trash compactors! You’re not making it through today unscathed. MWAHAHAHA!

Vera cackles loudly, snakes hissing in unison.

VALERIE

Vera, what the hell’s going on with you today? Don’t be _this_ pathetic.

VERA

Valerie don’t speak after I do, I need to win and to win I need to speak last.

Valerie sighs.

VALERIE

Why are you like this?

Vera runs towards the door.

VERA

I’m speaking last, you can’t stop me!

VALERIE

This is super dumb!

Vera exits the store.

BEAT.

Vera peeks her head back in.

VERA

Spoke last, I win!

Vera leaves.

EXT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, FOOTBALL FIELD – AFTERNOON

Vicky’s summoned everyone – meaning the football team, which includes Brian, Damien, and Coach (not Vera but _Coach_ Coach) – to give Scott his intervention. She stands in front of them, Scott beside her.

VICKY

Hey, guys!

FOOTBALL TEAM

(EXCITED) Hey, Vicky!

VICKY

Thank you all so much for coming to Scott’s intervention. He really needs help right now, so I appreciate it. I also appreciate it for personal reasons since I’ve been failing pretty hard today. s-so, uh… on all levels this event is critical.

Vicky laughs nervously.

VICKY

Now! Would anyone like to come up and tell Scott to not do drugs anymore? Is that how interventions work? I’ve never been to one.

SCOTT’S COUSIN

(O.S.) Are you kidding me?!

Scott’s cousin, the leader of the wolfpack, pipes up from the front.

SCOTT’S COUSIN

You’re telling me I walked all the way here to tell my idiot cousin to not do drugs?!

BRIAN

Wait!

Pan over to Brian, who’s drinking what appears to be Gatorade.

BRIAN

Aren’t you the robo-racist guy from that one time?! You tried to kill our kid! You’re on the football team?!

DAMIEN

… Yes? Dude, yes. He’s been at every practice, why are you making a big deal about this?

SCOTT’S COUSIN

Seriously, bro, I’ve been at every practice. I show up before you, dude.

DAMIEN

He shows up before you!

SCOTT’S COUSIN

And you’ve done drills with me, we did a tackling drill together, like, recently.

BRIAN

Oh yeah, I guess we… did…

BEAT.

SCOTT’S COUSIN

What the fuck was that interruption for, bro?

DAMIEN

He was speaking, man! You just interrupted him!

BRIAN

Sorry, I just… felt weird that no one’s acknowledged that guy until _right_ now. Right? Like, we should’ve probably said something, the guys and I, about this dude.

SCOTT’S COUSIN

Relax, bro, I’m not robo-racist anymore.

BRIAN

Oh, that’s good.

SCOTT’S COUSIN

Yeah, I’m just regular racist now. Anyway…

BRIAN

_Huh?!_

SCOTT’S COUSIN

You’re telling me I walked all the way here to tell Scott not to do drugs?!

VICKY

Yes.

SCOTT’S cousin

Ah, I see. Sorry, I just needed clarification.

VICKY

No biggie, I know how you often need clarification for stuff.

SCOTT’S COUSIN

That’s right, I’m always asking for it.

VICKY

Like your name, for example! Which even as of now has been given no clarification.

SCOTT’S COUSIN

Haha, that’s right! But hey! Not through lack of trying!

Vicky laughs.

SCOTT’S COUSIN

Not through lack of trying on my part! I wanna know what my fuckin’ name is just as much as you guys do!

VICKY

We’ll figure it out one day, don’t worry about it.

SCOTT’S COUSIN

I doubt it, but… I appreciate your optimism. (TO SCOTT) Hey SCOTT!

Scott blinks.

SCOTT’S COUSIN

Stop doin’ drugs man! You’re giving us wolves a bad name!

SCOTT

S-… sorry guys.

SCOTT’S COUSIN

Yeah, you better be sorry. Think about what we look like now, our most named member being a junkie and everything. We’re jocks, not junkies! Even though, I do get you can’t spell ‘junkie’ without ‘jock’. That’s kind of a fun little… language tidbit…

BRIAN

(MUTTERING) I also _do_ get you can’t spell _…_

DAMIEN

(WHISPERING) Hey, he’s trying!

BRIAN

(WHISPERING) He’s racist!

DAMIEN

(WHISPERING) And now _you’re_ ableist!

VICKY

Who’s next? Who wants to lay shame on Scott? Coach? Nah, let’s leave Coach for last, I think he’ll have the most poignant words to say. Damien?

DAMIEN

Me? Sure. Uhhh, Scott? Don’t do drugs, alright? That’s my thing. I’m the bad boy, you’re the good boy. And Brian, apparently, is the fuckin’ _ableist_ boy—

BRIAN

He’s literally Racist! I’m allowed to--

Brian drinks more of his drink.

BRIAN

\--Make fun of him!

DAMIEN

You can’t make fun of people like that, it’s hurtful!

BRIAN

How did I become the bad guy?! Instead of the racist guy who almost killed our kid?!

SCOTT’S COUSIN

Brian, stop making this about you, dude!

DAMIEN

Yeah, Brian!

The team expresses disappointment in Brian. Brian just can’t fathom this series of events.

VICKY

Alright, who wants to… speak now…

A mummy in the back row raises his hand.

VICKY

Jameson? Sure, go ahead.

The mummy mumbles.

Jameson the mummy, with bandages covering his body and most critically his mouth and head, mumbles and “Hmmm mmm Mmmhms” his way through a speech which we cannot even begin to understand.

At the end of it, Vicky gets choked up.

VICKY

That was so beautiful, Jameson…!

The team claps for Jameson.

BRIAN

What…?

SCOTT

Jameson, I had no idea you felt that way.

JAMESON

Mhhmhm hm hmmmhmmh.

SCOTT

You’re right, man. My parents _would_ be disappointed. (REGRETFUL) I’m so sorry, bro.

JAMESON

Mhmhm.

SCOTT

I love you too, dude.

BRIAN

(BEWILDERED) Wh…?!

VICKY

This is great, we made so much progress today. I think we really had a breakthrough! Now, Coach?

Coach sits pensively, looking away.

VICKY

If you could… bring it home, as it were. We’d be really happy if you could say a few words.

Coach breathes in and gets up. He walks over to Scott and awkwardly puts a hand on his shoulder.

COACH

Son.

Coach searches for the words.

COACH

Doing drugs… is like playing football… with no… ball.

BEAT.

VICKY

… I’m sorry, what--?

COACH

You’ve just got a foot! Without a ball all you’ve got is… a foot.

VICKY

Um, so… to recap…

COACH

Yes?

VICKY

Doing drugs… gives you feet?

BEAT.

COACH

Uhhh…

VICKY

Coach, if you didn’t have anything to say you could’ve just said so, we wouldn’t have held it against you…

COACH

No! No, it’s just…

Coach sighs.

COACH

You said you wanted me to go last and I got nervous. I got nervous, alright? You said… “Coach is gonna say the most poignant thing”.(IRITATED) Y’know, I don’t always _have_ poignant stuff to say! Sometimes I just… sometimes even _I_ don’t have a speech prepared. Not everybody can just pull speeches out of nowhere, apparently, turns out we’re not all _Jameson._

Jameson pulls the bandages from his mouth.

JAMESON

Coach, I don’t want to fight with you.

BRIAN

HE CAN FUCKING _TALK?!_

Everyone turns to Brian, annoyed.

BRIAN

Sorry, that just slipped out.

Jameson huffs exasperatedly and puts the bandages back on his mouth.

JAMESON

Mhmm mmmffmhm—

BRIAN

Oh, go fuck yourself man…

VICKY

Brian! Talkative, today, huh?

BRIAN

Sorry, Vicky. I guess it’s been a weird day for everybody…

Brian drinks some more of his sports drink.

VICKY

Uhh… what’ve you been drinking? You don’t usually drink Gatorade and stuff.

DAMIEN

Yeah, what is that?

BRIAN

Well it’s not Gatorade. Vera gave me this, she said she wanted me to test a new sports drink she developed.

VICKY

And you’re just… drinking it?

BRIAN

Yep.

VICKY

Brian, not to stress you out or anything, but you definitely shouldn’t drink anything Vera gives you. _You_ especially, there’s no way that thing’s not poisoned.

BRIAN

(SARCASTIC) I guess you’re right Vicky, I might die, after all.

VICKY

Brian, I’m serious.

BRIAN

Yeah, I know. Actually, she’s planning something against me as we speak, She’s pissed you guys listened to me the one time.

DAMIEN

Big surprise, Vera’s pissed about something…

BRIAN

Right? I’m guessing she wants to embarrass me in front of all of you by giving me drugs or something dumb like that. She’s being really dumb today.

VICKY

And you’re _still_ drinking that thing she gave you?

BRIAN

Yes.

VICKY

Brian are you acting suicidal as a joke or should we have an intervention for you too?

BRIAN

Vicky relax, there’s no way Vera’s plan to get me inebriated and exploit my weak heart is _this_ simple. I mean look--!

Brian turns the drink around.

BRIAN

She called this shit “Coca-ine”! You really think Vera would do something _this_ obvious?

VICKY

… That’s an incredible point.

BRIAN

Right?? There’s like -50% chance that there’s any drugs in this. I mean the name sucks ass and I’ll tell her as much, but in terms of content, there’s no way Vera’s spiked this. We can all agree she’s a little smarter than that.

The football team agrees with this assessment.

VICKY

Yeah, that’s… I mean that is _blatant._ Vera’s never blatant.

Scott fidgets. He’s fixated on Brian’s drink.

VICKY

Scott, you ok?

SCOTT

Yeah, um… c-… can I have some?

VICKY

Some of…?

SCOTT

Brian’s drink.

VICKY

Well that… should be fine, I think?

BRIAN

Totally, it’ll be just fine.

Brian gets up and hands the drink to Scott. Vicky seems a little concerned. Scott untwists the cap.

BRIAN

Uh, Scott you can just drink from the—

Scott starts chugging the drink.

BRIAN

Uhhhh…? I guess I’ll tell Vera it’s Scott approved?

Scott finishes it. He hangs his head, his body twitching. Brian and Vicky step back a little.

Finally, Scott raises his head…

SCOTT

Hey, that’s pretty good.

He’s totally fine. Brian and Vicky sigh a breath of relief.

BRIAN

Guess it was fine after all. I was kinda scared right there, I won’t lie to you, haha… h-haha… ha--

Brian falls to his feet. He’s holding his chest.

BRIAN

(HYPERVENTILATING) Haaa…! Haaaa…!

VICKY

Brian?!

Scott groans behind Vicky. Vicky, stricken with panic, slowly turns around to see Scott… or what used to be Scott.

Scott’s turned into a beast.

VICKY

(TERRIFIED) R-… remember, Scott, “D.A.R.E.”--

Scott lets out a thunderous roar. The football team gets up and runs in all different directions. Scott jumps mightily from the football field to the gymnasium, crashing through one of the windows.

Vicky turns to Brian, who’s collapsed on the ground and trembling, then to none other than Vera, who stands above him. Vera’s got her arms folded. whistling trying to seem as innocent as possible.

Vicky stares daggers at her.

BEAT.

VERA

… Ok, before you yell at me, I just—

vicky

No.

Vera’s stunned by Vicky’s expression. Nearly every ounce of weakness and uncertainty is gone. There’s nothing but disappointment and determination left.

VICKY

I’m not going to yell at you. This is my mistake as much as yours. Carry Brian to the Nurse’s office.

VERA

(DISGUSTED) Carry…?

Vicky gives Vera an icy glare.

VERA

O-ok…

Vicky makes to leave, but she’s stopped by Vera.

VERA

Wait, what are _you_ gonna do?!

VICKY

What do you think? I have to go stop Scott.

VERA

How?

Vicky sighs. She kneels on the ground and draws something in the dirt.

VICKY

Well…

Vicky finishes drawing; She’s drawn what appears to be a magic circle. She reaches in her pocket and takes out a lighter, which she uses to ignite the spell. It flares up with strange, arcane blue flame.

vicky

I wasted my whole day trying to do this the easy way…

Vicky puts a hand in the circle and conjures something. Through witchcraft, Vicky manifests a car battery before her. She steels herself…

VICKY

…I should’ve known I’d have to do it the hard way.

Vicky grabs both ends of the battery. In an instant, Vicky’s body lights up, filling with energy. A blast of light and electricity sparks from her body, sending Vera to her feet.

As the light dissipates, Vera witnesses Vicky, her form trembling trying to contain all the power she’s absorbed. With an elegant, perfect motion Vicky materializes a massive magic circle at her feet.

VICKY

(MYSTIC) _Pervenire._

As soon as Vicky speaks these words, she disappears in a flash of light. The magic circle etches burning marks on the ground.

Vera’s blown away.

VERA

Wh--…?!

However, she feels Brian stir below her, and resigns herself to bringing him to the nurse’s office.

VERA

Come on…

As she leaves, she hazards one last look at where Vicky used to be.

Vera

What on earth…

ACT THREE

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, GYMNASIUM – CONTINUOUS

Scott’s in the gym, fully wolfed out, tearing open the just barely repaired walls. In a flash of blinding light, Vicky appears behind him. She assumes a fighting pose as Scott slowly turns around.

VICKY

Hey Scott!

Vicky conjures a bag of white powder in her hand through magic.

vicky

Want this?!

Scott narrows his eyes upon seeing it. He snarls and bares his fangs.

VICKY

Come and get it.

He unleashes a crushing howl and rushes for Vicky. Vicky steels herself and prepares a spell.

VICKY

(MYSTIC) _Alliges Duplicia!_

Scott pounces as Vicky says the words. Arcane ropes bind Scott’s arms and legs, but Scott breaks them as easily as they appeared. Vicky clicks her tongue and dodges Scott’s attack with grace.

Scott pursues, swiping at Vicky – or rather the coke in her hands – with his claws. Vicky keeps dodging but is clearly frustrated staying on the defensive.

VICKY

I just need a second…!

As Vicky says this, her back hits the wall. With Scott right in front of her, about to swipe, she ducks and incantates.

VICKY

(MYSTIC) _Eludo!_

Vicky dissapears and reappears instantly behind Scott. Fortunately for her, Scott’s claw is stuck in the wall, Vicky doesn’t let this chance slip by.

VICKY

(MYSTIC) _Alliges Duplicia II!_

Even more arcane ropes bind Scott’s limbs, these ones stronger than the ones before. It seems to work, as Scott struggles to free himself once the ropes bind him, but after a moment…

SCOTT

(BEASTIAL) GUOOOOOOOH!

Scott breaks the ropes and turns to Vicky slowly, hungrier than ever.

VICKY

(MUTTERING) See, I told you Brian! Second level binding spells aren’t worth shit!

Scott rushes at Vicky. Vicky tries to dodge like usual but her power crackles for an instant causing her to lose her balance. Scott, who was mid swipe, just _barely_ manages to only claw at Vicky’s sweater and not her flesh beneath.

Vicky jumps away, gulping and reassuming her defensive stance, but so does Scott. Suddenly, Scott seems apprehensive. Vicky takes notice of this, and of her torn shirt.

VICKY

You don’t wanna hurt me, do you…?

Scott snarls quietly and gets on all fours. This seems to give Vicky an idea.

VICKY

I guess you’re still Scott underneath all that.

Scott growls and speeds toward Vicky. Vicky doesn’t take the time to defend herself, instead reciting an incantation for a spell under her breath.

As Scott is right upon Vicky, and his arm is midway through a vicious swipe, Vicky throws the bag of Cocaine at him. Scott notices and changes course, instead swiping at the bag, cutting it open and letting cocaine fly everywhere. Exactly according to Vicky’s plan.

With the white smoke screen set up and Scott momentarily stunned, she unleashes her spell.

VICKY

(MYSTIC) _Alliges Duplicia V! Decipula!_

Incredibly thick ropes and chains bind Scott’s entire body. As if that wasn’t enough, an arcane cage erects itself around him, further binding his movements. Scott struggles, but he’s finally caught.

Vicky is more than spent from having cast all these spells. She walks over to the prone Scott, still snarling and with powder all over his body, crouches in front of him and snaps her fingers.

VICKY

(MYSTIC) _Somnum._

With the words spoken, Scott falls to sleep. The last of Vicky’s power dissipates with that spell and, thoroughly exhausted, Vicky collapses as well.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, NURSE’S OFFICE – LATER

Vicky wakes up from one of the beds in the nurse’s office. She hazards a look beside her and sees two things: Brian, sleeping in the bed next to hers, and the entire rest of the football team, crammed in this very small room.

Scott is in front of them, normal again. He fidgets and looks down, regretful.

VICKY

You guys…

Scott breathes in, walks over to Vicky and gives her a hug. Vicky’s eyes widen at first but before long she returns the embrace.

SCOTT

I’m sorry.

VICKY

It’s ok.

SCOTT

I’m sorry for everything.

VICKY

I know.

SCOTT

I’ll do my best at practice. I won’t do drugs anymore.

VICKY

I’m sure.

SCOTT

… Sorry for hurting you.

VICKY

Oh Scott… you could never hurt me.

Vicky smiles sweetly. The rest of the team breathes easy now that what’s on their mind has been resolved. Vicky taps Scott on the shoulder and he stops hugging her, before sitting beside her on the medical bed. Vicky addresses the team.

VICKY

You guys… we haven’t been at our best recently. I know part of that’s my fault, but it needs to change. For the first time in our school’s history, we’re going to the playoffs. Practice is going to be tough, and we’re all going to be under loads of pressure but believe me: If we’re here its because we deserve to be. Every one of us worked so hard. If you all believe in yourselves, and train to your utmost, there’s nothing you guys can’t accomplish. Alright?

The team nods to each other, energized and motivated.

VICKY

Remember. No matter what… I’ll always believe in you all.

The team is touched by Vicky’s words. Vicky puts her hand forward. Scott sees and puts his hand on hers. Soon enough the whole team’s huddled up.

SCOTT

Spook on 3!

team

(TOGETHER) 1, 2, 3, SPOOK!

The team cheers.

Cut to outside the nurse’s office where Vera stands, arms folded. She looks ahead… somewhat forlorn.

VERA

(V.O.) I just don’t get it.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, FOOTBALL FIELD – A NEW DAY

The Spooky High School football team is gathered for yet another morning practice. Vera sits on a bench looking on with a mix of mild irritation and subtle surprise.

Scott is better than he’s ever been. His relentless energy and optimism lifts the team’s spirits as they complete drills effortlessly, and with great pride. He beams at all his teammates.

Cut back to Vera. She grumbles a little. Vicky stands next to her, filling water bottles. She finishes and takes a seat next to Vera.

VICKY

What don’t you get?

VERA

… Why they respect you more than me.

Vicky tilts her head, confused. Vera sighs.

VERA

Why do I even bother? Do you know how much of my time I spend trying to tweak and fix this terrible team so we can win games? How many hours I pour into crafting plays for these guys? All I ever asked for was recognition, respect, and for these idiots to listen to the things I say every _once_ in a while. But they don’t.

Vera turns toward Vicky. She’s clearly very bitter, but more than that, an honest sadness is evident in her eyes.

VERA

Instead, you – the girl who fills water bottles and hands them towels – gets all the credit I should be getting. They listen to you when they should be listening to me.

VICKY

Vera… it’s simple. It’s because I don’t think they’re a terrible team.

Vera’s scowl drops and she looks down, a heavy burden weighing on her.

VICKY

Maybe all I do is fill water bottles and give them towels. Maybe its true that you’re a big part of why we suddenly started winning this season. But the difference is that I do what I do because I love them. I love our team from the bottom of my heart. My joy is seeing them happy, so whatever’s in my power to make it happen… I’ll do it. What about you? What joy do you find out of this?

Vera thinks to herself.

VICKY

Vera… if your joy is seeing another trophy on your mantle… if the only reason you coach a team is so to get personal praise and adoration… play tennis. This is a team sport, so act like it.

VERA

(IRRITATED) What, am I supposed to give them a lollipop every time they make a pass? I don’t know how it worked when you and coach were running this team into the ground, but _I_ want to win--!

VICKY

So? _We_ want to win, too.

Vicky gives Vera a solemn glare. Vera’s taken aback.

VICKY

You just proved my point. You said, “ _I_ want to win”.

VERA

Quit arguing semantics, you saccharine little--

VICKY

HEY DAMIEN!

Vicky calls out to Damien and motions for him to come. Damien runs over.

DAMIEN

Hey Vicky! (DRYLY) Hey, Vera.

VICKY

Vera, get up.

The girls get up. Vicky positions Vera in front of Damien.

VICKY

We’re going to run an exercise!

VERA

A _what?_

VICKY

You heard me. Vera, I’m going to give you a hypothetical situation involving Damien, and you’re going to act out how you’d normally behave in that situation. Ok?

VERA

I—

VICKY

Good. Here’s the situation: We’re in practice. Scott threw a pass at Damien and Damien fumbled it. You’ve seen Damien catch passes like that all season, but today he just let it drop like his hands were made of butter. Damien they’re not _actually_ made of butter, you don’t have to check.

Damien stops sniffing his hands.

VICKY

Vera? What do you do?

VERA

Ok…? I guess something like…

Vera clears her throat.

VERA

(TO DAMIEN, FURIOUS) CATCH THAT FUCKING BALL YOU BUTTER-FINGERED PIECE OF--!

VICKY

STOP. See? That’s the problem.

VERA

It… what?

DAMIEN

(OFFENDED) Yeah, Vera. _That’s_ the fucking problem.

VERA

Damien, do you have an issue with how I coach?

DAMIEN

You _don’t_ coach!

vera

Excuse me?!

DAMIEN

No, I’m sick of bottling this shit up! You wanna know why me and the boys started ignoring you?

VERA

Underlying sexism in a male dominated--

DAMIEN

Shut up, get off your high horse. You really think we don’t like you because you’re a girl? Because guess what, everyone on the team fuckin’ respects you. We know you’re a genius, and you bet we know we wouldn’t be in the playoffs if it wasn’t for you. Sexism’s not the problem and you _know_ it!

vera

Then what _is_ the problem?!

DAMIEN

None of us like being fucking yelled at _EVERY! DAY!_

vera

You--?!

DAMIEN

Shut up, I’m not done talking! Listen, I get it if you’re pissed off when we’re in a match. If I fuck up then, lay into me. But when we’re at practice, and it’s 8 in the fucking morning, and I’m here getting yelled at by you again because I fumbled ONE pass out of a hundred, it makes me _not_ wanna listen to you! Sue me! I’m a person! I’ve got a limit, same as everyone!

Vera looks away.

DAMIEN

You make it so unrewarding to listen to you, because even when we _do_ you _still_ yell at us! It doesn’t matter if we win or lose, we still get layed into. Why the fuck should we even try, then?! And believe me, I _try!_ You’ve never not _once_ given me any appreciation or respect for literally being the second-best player on the team on a _regular_ basis! Scott has bad days, you know. And when he’s got bad days, I _always_ step up! I kept us afloat against Lich Tech! And what did I get for all my effort? A lecture, same as always. Vera, I like winning. Everyone likes winning. But when the reward for winning is to feel like you’ve lost, it makes winning _not fun._

BEAT.

VICKY

Do you get it now?

VERA

… Yes.

VICKY

So? Try again. Damien just fumbled a ball in practice. What do you do?

Vera sighs, and looks at Damien straight on.

VERA

Damien?

DAMIEN

Yep?

VERA

… Watch how you move your wrist when you catch from your extreme left. You tend to twist it too much and it loosens your grip. Keep your movements sharp.

Damien looks blown away. He looks at his wrist and moves it around a little.

DAMIEN

Holy shit… Is _that_ why I hate catching from the left?!

VERA

It might be. It’s your non dominant side, after all.

DAMIEN

SCOTT! THROW ME SOME PASSES, I WANNA TEST SOMETHING!

Damien makes to leave, but as he goes…

VERA

Damien! One more thing.

DAMIEN

Hm?

VERA

… Damn good job against Lich Tech. We’re lucky to have you on our team.

Damien smiles.

DAMIEN

Thanks… coach.

Damien runs off. Scott throws him a pass and he catches it with his left.

Vera and Vicky are left alone.

VERA

That made me feel yucky. Do I have to do that with everyone now?

VICKY

I never said you had to do it _all_ the time. Trust me, it’d probably weird them out if you were buddy-buddy all of a sudden. That’s why you have me after all! Leave the moral support to me. It’s what I’m good at.

Vera sighs and sits back down on the bench.

VERA

He said “We all respect you” … 

Vera takes her whistle in her hands and stares down at it.

VERA

I thought to be respected you had to be tough. I felt like I had to fight every day to earn the right to coach these guys… but I guess I was so busy fighting that I didn’t notice I’d already earned it.

Vicky sits next to her.

VICKY

Don’t beat yourself up over it. You’re you, after all. You were the kick in the butt our team needed. Your attitude was a necessary evil!

BEAT.

Vicky’s eyes widen, and she jumps to her feet.

VICKY

(REALIZING) EVIL!

Vera jumps at Vicky’s outburst.

VICKY

Ugh, I’m so STUPID! Why did I blank so hard on such an easy word?! I should’ve said Evil, it would’ve worked! “Drugs are really EVIL!” “D.A.R.E.”! Vicky, you are such an airhead sometimes…

Vera stares at Vicky, profoundly confused.

vicky

(SHY) U-uh… sorry about that.

FADE OUT:

THE END


	15. Valerie Has a Terrible Idea

FADE IN:

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CLASSROOM – MORNING

We begin on a close up of Brian. He seems highly concerned.

BRIAN

… Val?

VALERIE

Yep?

BRIAN

I’m pretty sure this is not a good idea.

VALERIE

What are you talking about? This is totes gonna work.

VERA

(O.S.) Valerie, for the first and last time, I agree with Brian.

Pan down to Vera from Brian’s close-up.

VERA

This idea is total garbage.

Vera Oberlin - millionaire business owner, valedictorian and first-seeded player in the game of life 22 years running - and Brian Yu – a slacker and not much else - are both currently bound by the ancient curse known as:

The “Get-Along” shirt.

VERA

The only thing that reeks more than this idea is, actually, _me,_ after being within 2 feet of the moldy disaster beside me for longer than the FDA approved 1 microsecond.

BRIAN

Right, because I’m the one who wanted to be this close to the girl with the snake haircut. Tell Bobby in the back to stop licking my elbow, alright? It tickles.

VERA

First of all, her name’s Venus, and second of all, Venus? Bite him.

BRIAN

If your snake bites me I’m gonna pinch you.

Vera’s snake bites Brian. Brian pinches Vera’s elbow. Brian barely registers it, but Vera recoils a bit.

VERA

Ow…!

BRIAN

Haha! Pussy.

VERA

Valerie! _Why_ do I have to--!

Vera furiously tries to rip the shirt she and Brian are wearing.

VERA

(STRAINING) – “get along” with a guy like this!

BRIAN

(IRRITATED) Hey, I don’t wanna “get along” with you either! Remember when you tried to kill me?! _Multiple_ times?!

VERA

Don’t be a bitch, Brian, that was ages ago.

BRIAN

You fuckin’ did it YESTERDAY!

VERA

You _told_ me your weakness! (MUTTERING) And I apologized for that, I think…

BRIAN

Y-Yeah, but… uhhh--

VERA

God, you are so fucking sensitive. Are you finally done complaining, tampon boy?!

BRIAN

(PISSED) What was that…?!

Valerie claps her hands once.

VALERIE

Alright guys stop it. You two are in the “get along” shirt. Please go ahead and get along, now.

BRIAN

You know, it might help if you gave us ANY justification for why we’re suddenly in this 5-XL death trap!

VALERIE

Fine, fine… Even though exposition’s not really my thing; I’m not comfortable giving it while the master is away visiting her underwater homeland for personal reasons…

Valerie pauses for a moment.

VALERIE

Sorry, just wanted to practice. Anyway, Brian, you remember how I said I wanted to start selling safe products at my shop because of that time I sold Miranda some shit that sent Oz to wherever the hell he went for a month? Seriously, where the hell did he go like, Hell? Purgatory? Whatever, you remember though, right?

BRIAN

Yeah?

VALERIE

Well, what you guys are wearing is one of those products. I’m making you guys test it. Hopefully it can join my patented line of “Valerie’s stupid shit that _won’t_ destroy the world,” featuring items such as… I don’t know, lemons. Or fuckin’… greeting cards or whatever.

BRIAN

(LAUGHING) I thought the line was already _patented,_ why are you _still_ figuring out what’s in it?

VALERIE

I’m gonna be honest with you, I just went to the dollar store and took the first few things I saw as inspiration. This is just for show anyway, I just want the principal to stop fucking yelling at me.

VERA

So the reason we’re wearing this is so you can test, what – it’s effectiveness? The effectiveness is zero, Valerie.

BRIAN

Yeah, and besides why test it on us? There’s literally no reason for us to get along.

VALERIE

You know what? I’ll be honest, guys. I never understood why you two have beef. You’re so similar! I’ve always thought you two could be great friends if you just… gave each other a shot.

VERA

Valerie, I’ll do you a favor and ignore the profound insult that is implying I’m in any way similar to this, the biggest loser in history.

BRIAN

I think the similarity she means is we’re both green. Which is racist, Val, but I’ll do you a favor by ignoring that too.

VALERIE

(DEADPAN) See? You guys are so similar.

Valerie huffs and looks away.

VALRIE

(FRUSTRATED) You guys fucking hate making me happy, ever.

Valerie pouts. Brian and Vera are visibly regretful.

BRIAN

Uh… sorry Val.

VERA

I’m sorry, Valerie.

VALERIE

(EXCITED) Great! So, you’ll help me, right? _Riiiight?_

Valerie smirks at them both. Brian and Vera realize they’ve been had.

VALERIE

Another way you’re similar: you guys fall for that. Every single time.

VERA

Valerie, there’s a limit to my magnanimity. I know the point you just made was cute and everything, but on a concrete level there’s nothing I have in common with Brian. I like art, wine and looking down on poor people, and Brian likes… eating garbage, judging by his halitosis.

VALERIE

That’s kinda true.

BRIAN

(NERVOUS) U-Uhh, which part?

Brian tests his breath.

VALERIE

Don’t worry though! I’ve convinced a third person – a so-called “Get-Along Guide” – to help you guys get over your issues and finally become the friends you’re destined to be.

brian

Really? Who’d you rope into this?

VALERIE

I mean… who’d be better than someone who knows and is cordial with both of you? Someone you’re acquainted with, and who you’d be willing to open up to?

BRIAN

Ahh, I see… Well if you got Vicky to help, then I guess it’ll turn out ok, won’t it?

VALERIE

Uh, what?

BRIAN

What? Isn’t that who you just described? That’s Vicky, right?

VALERIE

Uhh…No? I was asking a _question._ As in “Who’d be better than someone who’s all of those things”? And the answer is: someone who’s _none_ of those things.

Valerie takes a bottle from behind her. A light green fairy glows from within it. Valerie pops the bottle open and the fairy comes out, sparkling and shining. It floats gently before Brian and Vera and speaks in measured tones.

FAIRY

Adventurers… it’s to begin your journey. Your journey…!

The fairy takes a pencil and pad from behind it and winks at the two.

FAIRY

… Of emotional maturity!

Brian and Vera turn back to Valerie, baffled.

VALERIE

Right? Are we all on board with this?

VERA

No--

VALERIE

Good – because the “get along” shirt is literally impossible to remove unless both people who’re wearing it prove their newfound friendship in an undeniable way.

BEAT.

Brian and Vera both cannot believe what they just heard.

VALERIE

(LAUGHING) OH MY GOD, I’m just kidding, I’m kidding, Hahaha! No but imagine if I did that?! That’d be so fucking awful, oh man…

TITLE: VALERIE HAS A TERRIBLE IDEA

THEME SONG

ACT ONE

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, HALLWAYS – MORNING

Brian and Vera, who’s exited the get-along shirt and left Brian to wear it alone, look down at something they’re holding.

BRIAN

Hey, is it fucked up we put her right back in the bottle?

They’ve put the fairy Valerie’s given them back in the bottle, and sealed it shut. The fairy tries to speak to them but her cries are muffled by the glass.

VERA

Nope.

BRIAN

Alright, good. I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page.

VERA

My sister’s insane… despite her wishes, there’s no way we’d ever get along.

BRIAN

We’re just too different.

VERA

Indeed: specifically, I have a functioning brain and yours is infested by worms.

BRIAN

Yep, I have a functioning moral compass and yours points towards exploitable minorities.

VERA

Yes.

BEAT.

VERA

(NERVOUS) Wait, no. Why are we agreeing right now?

brian

I think Val got in our heads.

VERA

Ugh, that’s disgusting.

BRIAN

What is? Let me guess, everything?

VERA

Of course, but I mean… the way you call her _“Val”,_ like you’re… _close._

BRIAN

We are, though.

Vera mimes throwing up.

BRIAN

We are! Stop retching! 

VERA

Stop it, I’m gonna vomit…

BRIAN

What’s the matter? I get you hating me, but Val doesn’t! It’s none of your business if we’re close, what are you, her mom?

VERA

Well someone’s gotta be.

BRIAN

And that’s gotta be you? Why not, I don’t know, her _actual_ mom?

Vera doesn’t say anything. Brian registers this sudden seriousness with surprise. The moment is interrupted, however, as a sword comes between the two, causing them both to jump back, startled.

SWORD-WEILDER

Halt, monsters!

VERA

WHAT THE HELL?!

brian

Hey, I know that sword…

Brian turns to the sword’s owner, none other than Aaravi Mishra, the slayer.

BRIAN

Oh, it’s you! Aaravi, right?

AARAVI

Indeed.

VERA

(SPITEFUL) Brian! You’re acquainted with this violent gnome?

BRIAN

Aren’t you? This is one of Valerie’s friends.

VERA

… It is?

BRIAN

Wow, amazing sister we have here.

VERA

I’ll rip your tongue out.

AARAVI

Am I interrupting something?

BRIAN

Barely. What’re you up to today, Aaravi? Hunting Damien and Liam again? Library and Auditorium, respectively.

AARAVI

Thank you for the information, but my purpose here is different. I’m going on a very dangerous quest, hunting yet another voracious, cruel beast. I came to bolster my defences at Valerie’s store as I usually do—

BRIAN

Right, right…

AARAVI

But I can see now I won’t have to trek quite so far. You’ve got what I’m looking for!

Aaravi points her sword at Vera.

AARAVI

GIVE ME A GIFT!

VERA

(THREATENING) Point that thing away from me before I snap it in half.

brian

Wait…

Aaravi’s not pointing at Vera, as much as she’s pointing at the fairy in a bottle in her possession.

BRIAN

You want this? The fairy, right?

Brian takes the bottle and looks it over.

BRIAN

Does this thing grant wishes or something? Maybe it’ll activate genie mode if I rub the bottle…

vera

Please go ahead.

Vera takes her phone out and films Brian rubbing the bottle from an angle where you can’t tell that’s what he’s rubbing.

VERA

This footage will succeed in ruining your reputation where the tampon video perplexingly failed.

AARAVI

Stop rubbing it, doofus! Why are you guys just keeping that thing trapped, that’s a fairy! They help you navigate and give you hints and stuff! They’re for ADVENTURES!

VERA

(UNIMPRESSED) Adventures. Are you in elementary school?

BRIAN

Wait, are you? Are you in high school like us or is the monster slaying thing a trade? How old are you?

AARAVI

I’m 22.

BEAT.

BRIAN

I know I asked but, I’m sorry, that doesn’t help me narrow down jack shit about whether you’re still in school or not. Liam’s here and he’s like, 400. How long has he been here? (ALARMED) Oh shit, is Liam secretly a dumbass?!

VERA

About as much as you are one overtly, yes.

BRIAN

Watch out Vera, you almost hurt my feelings.

Brian throws the Bottle to Aaravi.

BRIAN

Here, you want it? You take it.

VERA

You’re just _giving_ her the fairy Valerie gave _us_ specifically to help us become closer? Wow, great friend we have here.

BRIAN

Vera, get off your high horse and admit you’re pissed because you couldn’t bleed her wallet dry for it.

Vera clicks her tongue.

BRIAN

Exactly. Why do you think I gave it to her without asking you? Now let’s leave before she opens it—

VERA

She just did.

Aaravi unbottles the fairy, and it is freed once more.

BRIAN

Nevermind.

AARAVI

Hell yes! Now I’ll always remember what I’m supposed to be doing!

BRIAN

(TURNING TO LEAVE) Have fun!

FAIRY

Not so fast, you two!

brian

Dang it…

FAIRY

Now that I’m out of the bottle, there’s no way I won’t guide both of you on your personal journeys!

aaravi

Wait, what about _my_ journey?! I own you now!

FAIRY

Oh, someone new! Hello! Its very nice to meet you! I would be more than willing to aid you in fulfilling your destiny of—

AARAVI

Killing every single monster in existence!

FAIRY

… No.

AARAVI

No?! What else would my destiny be?!

FAIRY

Personal growth and peace with your emotions!

BEAT.

AARAVI

Get back in the bottle.

FAIRY

Haha! No.

aaravi

Get back in the bottle and come out when I die to revive me!

FAIRY

Believe me, I do not wish to aid in any kind of battle, struggle, or strife. I live and work to end things like that!

AARAVI

What the hell are you, then?!

FAIRY

I’m glad you asked. My name is Norah, the Fairy therapist! You can call me a Fair-a-pist if that’s easier.

Norah glows with pride.

FAIRY

I’m a licensed social worker!

BEAT.

AARAVI

Get back in the bottle--

NORAH

No.

AARAVI

AAAAAGH! God damn you, Brian, why did you hand me this thing?! This is worse than if I had _no_ fairy! If it can’t help me kill, this thing’s useless!

NORAH

Hm, interesting, interesting… That’s a lot of anger for someone to be harboring. Where do you think it comes from?

AARAVI

YOU! YOU’RE WHERE IT COMES FROM! I’m here to have adventures and slay monsters and you’re not helping at all!

NORAH

Maybe, but if you look at it another way… isn’t self-discovery the greatest adventure of all?

Aaravi grabs Norah and tries to shove her in the bottle.

AARAVI

GET BACK IN THE BOTTLE!

Norah karate chops the bottle and shatters it into pieces. Aaravi’s stunned for a beat.

NORAH

Phew! Now, are we ready to make some personal breakthroughs about ourselves?

Aaravi nods, frightened.

NORAH

Good. (TO VERA AND BRIAN) Now for you two. I think this could be a beautiful opportunity: we should join our paths together! You two need to get closer, and our friend here needs to learn to control her anger… Let’s make this a group therapy session! What do you say?

Brian and Vera look at each other.

VERA

Brian, if you want to run from this now’s your chance.

BRIAN

Same to you.

VERA

Oh, Brian, you don’t have to act tough with me. I know you want to leave. You hate making Valerie happy, after all.

BRIAN

That’s funny, if I recall, you were the irritated one. You know, if you just can’t stand seeing a smile on Valerie’s face I totally understand. I can just go and do what she asked by myself.

VERA

Don’t push your luck. You think I’m not down to waste an hour or two on something pointless?

BRIAN

I think it’s telling you called it pointless.

VERA

I’m staying, Brian.

BRIAN

Good! So am I.

VERA

Good!

BEAT.

NORAH

It’s settled then! Group Therapy! Yaaay!

Brian and Vera glare at each other. Aaravi’s caught in the middle.

At that moment though…

AARAVI

(FRIGHTENED) What is that…?

A low consistent rumbling shakes the hallway. Brian and Vera turn around to see a shadow rushing for them.

BRIAN

What’s…?

The rumbling intensifies greatly as the creature roars into view: a fearsome Lynel is gunning straight for the trio.

AARAVI

A Lynel?!

BRIAN

A _what?!_

AARAVI

I don’t have enough experience points to kill that thing by myself! Uh…

Aaravi glances at Vera and Brian and puts her hands on their shoulders.

AARAVI

Welcome to the team!

The Lynel brakes as it arrives before the group and lets out a massive roar.

VERA

Today just keeps getting worse…!

Vera grabs a gun and aims for creature. Aaravi unsheathes her sword. Brian… grabs a swiss army knife.

The girls stare at him, unimpressed.

brian

What? Sorry I don’t carry a fucking gun up my ass like Vera.

AARAVI

At least use a more threatening tool, why is it set to the nail file?!

BRIAN

(LOOKING AT KNIFE) Oh. Whoops.

VERA

Pay attention you idiots! (COCKING GUN) Never mind, I’m blowing that thing’s head off myself!

FAIRY

Stop!

Vera lets out an irritated huff before facing Norah.

VERA

What?!

NORAH

All this violence is so unnecessary. Is coming out guns, swords and nail files blazing really the most productive way to face our differences? It can’t be!

VERA

… _What?!_

NORAH

Lynels come and go, but you should make use of this opportunity to resolve issues non-confrontationally! Try to find a way to face this lynel in a way that will set you up to face…

Norah motions to everyone.

NORAH

…Each other.

BEAT.

Vera points the gun at Norah.

NORAH

This doesn’t frighten me, Vera.

VERA

(SEETHING) It will.

BRIAN

(O.S.) Don’t worry, Norah.

The group turns to Brian, who stretches.

BRIAN

Be patient with Vera, she’s incapable of listening to basic directions or doing anything challenging. I’ll take care of it.

VERA

 _Really?_ How?

Brian runs toward the Lynel.

The lynel bites and swipes at Brian as he gets close. Brian dodges all these strikes and jumps on its back. He grabs the Lynel’s mane and pulls out his swiss army knife…

AARAVI

Yeah! Now finish him!

… before switching tools. To the comb.

Brian starts combing the lynel’s mane to the great confusion of everyone.

BRIAN

(PATTING MANE, COMFORTING) Shh… shh… sorry we scared you. I respect you, ok?

AARAVI

… What are you doing?! That’s a monster, kill it!

BRIAN

I’m not going to kill you. Just relax.

The lynel, thoroughly relaxed, falls to his feet and indulges in Brian’s grooming. It looks satisfied.

INT. MONSTROPOLIS, CATACOMB COFFEE – LATER

The gang, meaning Brian, Vera, Aaravi, Norah and yes, the freaking lynel, are all gathered at the coffee shop.

The lynel grunts and roars at the group, a grave, contemplative expression on its face.

NORAH

I see… so you’re saying that you think your father shouldn’t have stoked the rivalry between you and your brother, and that the fact that he always pit you two against each other contributed to your strained relationship now…

The lynel grunts once.

NORAH

That’s awful… you’ll be ok, alright? We’ll work through these emotions together.

VERA

Alright, there’s no way that thing said all those words through grunts and gasps.

BRIAN

Wow, Vera. Can’t speak Lynel-ese? Who’s the dumbass now?

VERA

Still you.

NORAH

Brian? Why do you feel the need to belittle Vera?

VERA

(TEASING) Yeah, _Brian_. Why do you feel the need to belittle Vera?

BRAIN

Ask _her_ that question, she’s the one belittling me!

NORAH

But whenever she does you always fire back… You’re a smart guy, surely you know that if you keep sniping at each other neither of you will feel the better for it.

BRIAN

Well… maybe, but…

NORAH

It can’t be that constantly fighting with Vera is easier than just trying to bridge this gap. What do you think is stopping you?

BRIAN

She hates me, that’s what’s stopping me! She’s hated me from day one, what am I supposed to do about that? What do I look like, trying to “bridge the gap” with someone who hates my guts for no reason?

VERA

It’s not “no reason”.

Vera speaks, lacking any of the snideness and cynicism she had before. She truly means this.

BRIAN

Have I done something to you?

Vera folds her arms and looks away, sighing to herself.

BRIAN

Jesus Christ, you see this, Norah? (TO VERA) If you’ve got a problem with me spill it!

VERA

And why would I? You’re assuming I even _care_ to let you right that wrong – as though being cordial with you appeals to me in the _slightest._ No matter how exhausted you get, I will _never_ tire of dragging you through the dirt.

BEAT.

NORAH

Interesting… so what you’re saying, Vera, is that despite how sincerely hurt you feel by Brian, your pride is in the way of admitting the problem because if you do, you’ll feel lesser for meeting him halfway.

VERA

WHA--?! (FURIOUS) How did you get all that from what I said!?

BRIAN

(TEASING) Notice how she didn’t explicitly say it was wrong.

Vera gets up and packs up her stuff, severely irritated.

VERA

That’s it, I’m over this! You can have your fucking after-school special on your own time, I am DONE playing along with this idiocy!

NORAH

You know, Vera, if you leave now it’ll only harm your ability to—

VERA

(COLD) Shut your mouth, you sentient christmas ornament. Quit talking like you know me.

BRIAN

Vera, wait!

VERA

WHAT?!

BRIAN

… You forgot to pay for your coffee, I’m not gonna cover that for you.

Vera groans and slams a hundred-dollar bill on the table.

BRIAN

Thanks.

Vera turns and heads for the door.

NORAH

Vera--!

Vera slams the coffee shop door shut and leaves.

BEAT.

NORAH

So, you see, Aaravi, this is why it’s important to develop effective ways to communicate your feelings.

AARAVI

Under normal circumstances I would’ve said that’s incredibly stupid but considering what just happened… point made.

NORAH

Yay, a turning point!

Brian turns a little and notices the lynel that’s been there the whole time.

BRIAN

(STARTLED) WOAH! Oh, geez… I completely forgot he was still here, that scared the crap outta me…!

ACT TWO

EXT. OUTSIDE LOF-YARS-ELF CAVE – LATER

Brian and the slayer stand before the cave, a rock formation etched in the side of a building somewhere in town. It’s between a McDonald’s and a convenience store. Norah floats in between them.

BRIAN

You know, Aaravi, it should’ve been like this from the start. We should’ve been the only ones on this adventure, Vera was a total third wheel.

AARAVI

Wasn’t she a _fourth_ wheel if you include cotton ball over here?

BRIAN

Just because there are four wheels doesn’t mean someone can’t be the third.

AARAVI

Whatever. It didn’t matter which one of you NPCs came along.

NORAH

Aaravi, I was under the impression you two had a prior rapport built up. There’s no need to be so dismissive.

AARAVI

Ughhhhh! Enough with your analysis, already! He is _not_ my friend!

BRIAN

Wait, I’m not--?

AARAVI

He is my TEAMMATE! I’m a tank, so I need a support character to get the perfect team balance!

BRIAN

Wow, turns out we’re not friends… That hurts my feelings, you know, Aaravi.

AARAVI

What feelings? You’re a monster, aren’t you? You don’t have those.

BRIAN

Uhhh, Norah, any input on what she just told me? That was pretty hurtful, right?

Norah writes on her notepad and thinks to herself.

BRIAN

Wow, the one time you shut up… (TO AARAVI) Anyway, what’s this cave? Why are we just loitering outside it?

AARAVI

This is the cave of Lof-Yars-Elf. Norah picked this place. I was skeptical at first, but she said it was good for levelling. See, I picked up a pretty hardcore monster’s bounty, and if I want a shot at defeating it… I need to level up a little. And you… need to level up a lot.

BRIAN

A hardcore monster… You sure you got this, Aaravi?

AARAVI

Don’t think I’m the same monster slayer as last time. My instincts are honed… My wits are sharpened… My skills with the blade are, uh… better… Whatever happens today, my bounty’s going down, no doubt about it.

BRIAN

Well hey, good for you. Proud of you, Aaravi.

Aaravi

Sure.

Aaravi enters the cave, followed by Brian and Norah.

INT. INSIDE LOF-YARS-ELF CAVE – A LITTLE LATER

Cut to inside the crystalline cave, where Aaravi’s midway through cutting a bloodthirsty elf-goblin apart. As she does, a bunch of them stand before her, ready to strike. Aaravi effortlessly fights off the group.

AARAVI

HAHAHA! BATTLE ME, TINY FOES!

Meanwhile, a few paces behind her, Brian and Norah stand back watching Aaravi fight them off.

BRIAN

Uhhh… good job, Aaravi?

Suddenly, an echo rings back from Aaravi’s yell.

CAVE

(ECHO) “If you can conceive it, you can achieve it!”

Aaravi slices another elf in half.

BRIAN

Wait, did the cave just… motivate me?

NORAH

You see, Brian--

AARAVI

FIST OF JUSTICE!

Aaravi punches clean through an elf-gnome.

CAVE

(ECHO) “Your friends and family love you, you _are_ enough!”

NORAH

The cave of Lof-Yars-Elf echoes self-affirmations if you yell loud enough!

BRIAN

So that’s why you picked it…

Aaravi finishes her work and cleans her sword off. A golden light envelops her.

BRIAN

What the hell--?!

AARAVI

Alright, I leveled up.

BRIAN

Oh shit, you were _serious_ about that?! I thought you were just being a dork--

A golden light starts enveloping Brian.

BRIAN

(STARTLED) WHAAAAA--?!

The light stops. Brians hyperventilates and holds his chest.

AARAVI

You leveled up too. Must’ve been my Exp share.

BRIAN

(OUT OF BREATH) How… how the hell… how the fuck…?!

AARAVI

That’s interesting. I didn’t know monsters could do that.

BRIAN

If it’s any consolation, I assure you I had no idea I could do that either…

AARAVI

Well only redeemable souls have the capability for leveling up, so… Not bad for a monster.

BRIAN

Aaravi, can I ask you a serious question?

Aaravi

No.

NORAH

Now, Aaravi, I think Brian deserves to ask you something.

BRIAN

Thank you, Norah.

AARAVI

Ughhhhh, fine. What is it?

BRIAN

What’s the deal with you and monsters?

NORAH

Compelling question, Brian, I’d been hoping we could delve into that.

BRIAN

I know it’s your job – somehow, still don’t get how killing monsters is okay in a monster society -… it’s just, you get _really_ into killing them, and I’m concerned it might be personal. What’s your issue?

AARAVI

My _issue?_ My issue is there are monsters still alive!

BRIAN

U-uh… does that include me?

NORAH

Help me understand your perspective on this. What is the point of slaying all monsters?

BRIAN

Slaying monsters will make the world better!

NORAH

And?

AARAVI

Safer!

NORAH

_And?_

AARAVI

JUSTICE!

CAVE

(ECHO) “The you you’re aiming to become is entirely within your grasp. Only hard work separates you from your dreams.”

AARAVI

Wh-who said that?!

NORAH

That’s interesting… Justice, you said.

AARAVI

Y-yes!

NORAH

Justice implies they _deserve_ to be slain. Tell me, Aaravi… what did they do to deserve that?

AARAVI

They…

Aaravi quiets down. She grips the handle of her sword.

AARAVI

Salil…

Aaravi snaps out of her sadness and punches a crystalline mirror next to her. Brian’s a little startled.

AARAVI

AAAAGH! Fuck thinking! What the hell are you asking me?! I’m here to SLAY! If you think for even a _second_ that I’m gonna let you anywhere near my feelings you’ve got another thing coming, you Freudian fairy!

NORAH

Aaravi this isn’t healthy--

AARAVI

NO! I’ll tell you what’s healthy, for ME to kill, destroy and ANNIHILATE every single monster in existence! I won’t REST until EVERY SINGLE ONE IS WIPED OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH!

Aaravi breathes heavily.

CAVE

(ECHO) “You are more than just your shallow hatred. You can find peace outside revenge.”

BEAT.

BRIAN

… How does that work, do you think? Is it someone on the other end yelling this stuff? What a nosy guy.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, LOCKERS – AFTERNOON

Amira’s at her locker, patiently putting books in it as Vera approaches. She comes up behind Amira and covers her eyes.

VERA

Guess who!

Amira whips around and points a blade at Vera’s neck.

VERA

(UNFAZED) Hm.

amira

Don’t touch me! (NOTICING) Oh! Oh, it’s you, Vera.

Amira scratches her neck in embarrassment.

AMIRA

Sorry about that, I’m not doin’ so hot today.

VERA

(DISINTERESTED) Is that so…?

Vera responds in her usual detached way, but as soon as she says the words, she reflects on them. More than that, she regrets it.

AMIRA

Ah, sorry for sayin’ that. It doesn’t matter.

Amira turns back to her books.

VERA

… Um, Amira…

AMIRA

Hm? Oh, I finished filing that proposal you left on your desk this morning.

VERA

Wait, you have? That’s very nice, but…

AMIRA

But what? (EXCITED) Oooh, do we have a job today?

VERA

No…?

AMIRA

Then…? What do you want?

BEAT.

VERA

… What’s bothering you?

AMIRA

What’s--… What?

VERA

You said you “weren’t doing so hot” … are you ok?

AMIRA

I mean, not really, but—

VERA

So you’re… doing badly?

AMIRA

A little, yeah…?

VERA

Then… do you want to…

Vera gets really awkward.

VERA

… t--… talk… about it?

BEAT.

AMIRA

… _Pardon_?

VERA

(STAMMERING) O-Or, um, if you don’t want to do that… wh-why don’t we go somewhere! Y’know, to… cheer you up! Let’s go out.

Amira closes her locker and stares at Vera, utterly baffled.

VERA

(PLEADING) I’ll pay…?

Amira laughs softly to herself.

AMIRA

Somethin’ happened to you today, didn’t it?

VERA

(INDIGNANT) Wha--?! No!

AMIRA

Yeah, sure. Alright. Alright! Let’s go somewhere. We’re both not doin’ so hot, _clearly_ , and… you’re being pretty cute right now so I’ll feel bad on a moral level if I turn you down.

VERA

(EXCITED) Great! (CATCHING HERSELF, REGAINING COMPOSURE) Ah, Hm. That’s great. (SULTRY, PUTTING HAND ON AMIRA’S SHOULDER) That’s great…

AMIRA

(LAUGHING) Alright, pause, pause! you can’t slide back in the Vera persona like the past five minutes ain’t happen, that shit’s weird!

VERA

(EMBARASSED) What “Vera Persona”?

AMIRA

The one you just did? (MIMICKING) “That’s great…!” Haha! Corny ass.

Vera clears her throat out of embarrassment.

VERA

Ignoring that… Where do you want to go?

Amira thinks to herself.

AMIRA

Hmm… Seems like as good a time as any… let’s go somewhere you’ve never been.

VERA

(INTRUIGUED) Somewhere I’ve never been…?

EXT. GHOUL STREET AGGREGATE, OUTSIDE SATYA’S BAR – LATER

The girls stand in an alleyway outside a rusty looking stairwell leading to an underground bar somewhere in the Ghoul Street Aggregate. Vera seems nonplussed.

VERA

When you said “somewhere I’ve never been” I was hoping it’d be “somewhere I’d _want_ to be”.

AMIRA

Too bad, then. I wanna be here.

VERA

Why? You already live in this neighbourhood, why do you wanna hang out here too?

AMIRA

This is gonna be important. What you said’s a lot more accurate than you realize… I _do_ live here. _Right_ here.

VERA

You…?

Amira smirks at Vera.

INT. SATYA’S BAR – CONTINUOUS

Amira and Vera enter the bar. Since it’s still light out, the bar’s in off hours. The place, in contrast to the dinginess and overall shadiness of the stairwell, is surprisingly well maintained. In fact, it’s downright trendy. It’s clear whoever runs this place is trying their hardest. Vera admires the bar while an old jukebox squeaks out hits from the 50s. This catches Amira’s attention. 

AMIRA

What do you think? This place is pretty nice, huh? Didn’t expect this from that gutter ass stairwell, did you?

VERA

It’s… nice. I didn’t think a place like this was hiding in an alleyway…

AMIRA

By all means spread the word. It certainly helps put food on my and Satya’s plates.

SATYA, a tall nagini, is right behind Vera, not saying a word. Vera notices her and jumps.

AMIRA

(LAUGHING) Holy shit, you should’ve seen your face! Oh man…

VERA

U-Um, Amira? Who is this… person?

AMIRA

“This person” is why I wanted you to come here. Surprise: you’re meeting my family today!

VERA

Your… your family?

AMIRA

Yep, my entire family. That’s her right there. That’s Satya, she’s… my legal guardian. She thinks she’s my mom but she’s more like my sister than my mom.

Satya hisses softly.

AMIRA

You know I’m right, don’t nag me.

Satya hisses.

AMIRA

Ok, let me introduce you… Satya, this is Vera. We’re on the student council together. She’s… (HONEST) I care about her.

Amira blushes slightly. Satya notices this and eyes Vera. Vera’s head snakes go toward Satya and hiss softly at her. Satya returns the favor. Satya turns back to Amira and hisses some more.

AMIRA

We just wanna chill out here. Nothin’ crazy.

Satya hisses.

AMIRA

Vera, Satya asked if you wanted anything to drink. What do you drink?

VERA

Usually? Poisoned scotch.

Amira laughs. Vera smirks.

AMIRA

Oh, you’re not kidding. Satya she’s not kidding-- Get her that if you can, girl.

Satya slithers away a little and hisses.

AMIRA

Huh? Oh, I’ll take uh… water.

Satya nods and leaves for the bar.

BEAT.

AMIRA

Wanna play pool?

VERA

(SMIRKING) I get the car back if you lose.

AMIRA

I get another if I win!

VERA

Deal.

EXT. MONSTROPOLIS, SMITH PARK – LATE AFTERNOON 

The biggest park in Monstropolis. Brian and Vera are hiding in bushes. Rather, Brian’s crouching behind it and Aaravi is physically inside.

Both peek their heads out. There’s a bird’s nest on Aaravi’s head.

AARAVI

Found him.

BRIAN

That’s him? _That’s_ the guy you’re hunting?

A few paces in front of them, a very exasperated looking elf is sitting on a park bench, doing her best to rebuff the advances of… the Interdimensional Prince.

The Prince gets on one knee and presents a rose to the elf. The elf looks disgusted.

BRIAN

… You needed to level up to beat _this_ guy?

AARAVI

You don’t know what that _thing_ is capable of. That man has a rap sheet longer than you can imagine. Name a crime, he’s done it. He was outlawed from this dimension, but _somehow,_ _some way_ he’s found himself back here. (GRAVE) He’s not getting away this time.

BRIAN

Hm. Are you gonna need help with this?

AARAVI

Barely. All I have to do is shove my sword down his throat. You take care of the rest.

BRIAN

Wh-What rest? You want me to dispose of the body?

AARAVI

What? No! He has to be taken alive since he’s royalty. Just put the cuffs on him.

Aaravi shoves heavy looking handcuffs inscribed with arcane runes in Brian’s hand.

BRIAN

Not to make it seem like I’m playing defending this guy or anythin, but if he has to be taken alive you better not “shove your sword down his throat.” You’ll like… kill him.

AARAVI

I’ll _barely_ kill him. He’s a monster, he deserves a little damage.

BRIAN

Aaravi, can you chill? A little?

NORAH

(O.S.) Brian is right!

Norah peeks out from the bush. She was there as well. Aaravi groans as soon as she sees her.

NORAH

You need to remember SWFE! Slaying Won’t Fix Everything!

AARAVI

(MURDEROUS) If you get in my way again, I swear on everything holy you _will_ be next!

Aaravi tries to punch Norah but Norah goes back in the bush and reappears a little to the left.

NORAH

All right, Aaravi, but be careful--!

Aaravi tries to punch Norah again, but Norah dodges it the same way.

NORAH

\--Sometimes repressed feelings can manifest when you least expect it! Like… right now!

Suddenly! A monstrous roar knocks everyone on their feet. While the slayer and Norah were talking, an enormous owlbear has appeared right beside the Prince. The elf has run away in fear, but the Prince is frozen in place.

NORAH

Oh no! What could this possibly be? What therapist could have possibly set this trap… I mean, um--

Aaravi punches Norah a third time. Norah dodges it.

NORAH

Stop that.

AARAVI

What the hell is that?!

Pan up to reveal the owlbear is wearing a purple wig, green contacts, and has the words “Aaravi’s Repressed Emotions” on its belly. It salivates at the sight of the Prince, moving toward him threateningly.

PRINCE

This is--!

NORAH

Aaravi! It’s an evil version of yourself! Or rather, a manifestation of your repressed emotions! A perfect copy of you in every way…!

AARAVI

IN WHAT WAY IS THIS A “PERFECT COPY” OF ME!?

The prince blushes and gets on one knee before the owlbear. He presents it a rose.

PRINCE

This is… the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen!

BEAT.

AARAVI

… You know what, it’s pretty close now that I get a better look at it.

BRIAN

Yeah, is it?

The owlbear tilts its head to the side in confusion. The prince does this as well, thinking it to be some kind of mating ritual. The owlbear reaches back and hits the living hell out of the Prince so hard he goes flying halfway across town.

AARAVI

My bounty!

The owlbear turns to Aaravi and roars in her direction. Aaravi, Norah and Brian are knocked back. Aaravi hits the ground and starts wheezing.

NORAH

Aaravi!

AARAVI

D-Damnit! Why the fuck did you sic this thing on me Norah?!

NORAH

It’s a metaphor for--

AARAVI

For what?! For me getting murdered in a PUBLIC PARK?!

The owlbear unsheathes its razor-sharp claws and stomps toward the group menacingly.

NORAH

I still think It’s a very powerful metaphor.

AARAVI

Yeah! REAL powerful! And now I’m going to fucking die because you don’t understand what a metaphor is!

NORAH

Lashing out at me is just--

AARAVI

SHUT UUUUUUUP!!

BRIAN

(O.S.) Huh…

Brian is prone and reading an inscription on the ground.

BRIAN

(READING) “This park was named after Mayor John Smith, who, despite being a human, has served this city of monsters for 30 years.” You can be a Mayor for 30 years here? I guess monsters don’t care about term limits…

AARAVI

Brian, You idiot! What are you doing?!

Brian groans and gets up.

BRIAN

Hey Aaravi! You’re pretty strong, right?

AARAVI

Yeah? Not strong enough to kill _this_ thing though!

The owlbear’s had enough of approaching so slowly and starts rushing straight for the slayer. Aaravi steps back in fear, but… Brian doesn’t. Brian jumps the bushes and runs straight for the owlbear.

The owlbear swipes at Brian, but he dodges and gets in close to the bear. Once he’s in range… he hugs it.

BEAT.

Brian tries to painstakingly lift the bear.

BRIAN

(FORCING) HNNNNNNNNG!

AARAVI

Brian… WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!

BRIAN

I’m trying to suplex it!

AARAVI

JUST STAB IT, IDIOT!

BRIAN

I’m not gonna kill it!

AARAVI

WHY?!

BRIAN

Because I don’t have to!

AARAVI

You…

Aaravi seems affected by these words. Brian keeps trying to lift the bear.

NORAH

(O.S.) Hey.

Aaravi turns to Norah, who pleads with her.

NORAH

Listen. Aaravi, you can do this.

AARAVI

But--!

NORAH

Believe in yourself!

BRIAN

(O.S., HURT) AAAGH!

The owlbear is pressing its weight on Brian. Brian’s buckling.

BRIAN

Aaravi! HELP!

Aaravi steels herself.

aaravi

AAAAGH! FINE!

Aaravi rushes for the bear and helps Brian lift it.

BRIAN

Thanks for the help! I guess we _are_ friends after all, huh?

AARAVI

Don’t push your luck, I’m not doing this for you.

Aaravi starts straining with Brian.

AARAVI

I’M DOING THIS--! FOR MY KIDNAPPED BROTHER--!

The owlbear gets lifted off the ground. Even _its_ surprised.

AARAVI

SALIIIIIIIIL!!

With one weighty motion, Aaravi and Brian suplex the bear. The bear, through the weight of the impact, is knocked out. Brian and Aaravi let go of it as it thuds on the ground, splayed out and unconscious.

AARAVI

(BREATHING HEAVILY) Take _THAT_ … dumb bear…

Aaravi falls to the ground, while kicking the bear. It’s clear her frustration hides a deep sadness.

AARAVI

That one’s for Salil…!

Aaravi gives the bear a heavy kick before stopping and collapsing from exhaustion.

She looks heartbroken.

Brian dusts himself off, and notices Aaravi’s sadness, but as he steps toward her, a paper flies in his face.

BRIAN

Whuh--?

Brian whips the paper off and reads it. He seems to have an idea.

Brian crouches over by the slayer and gets her attention.

BRIAN

Hey. Good work today.

AARAVI

The bounty got away, I’m spent from suplexing a bear _and_ I’m sad from thinking about my brother. What work did I do that was so “good”?

BRIAN

Well you did your best, didn’t you?

Brian shows Aaravi the paper that flew in his face. She recognizes what’s written on it.

It’s an ad for a fireworks festival.

BRIAN

You wanna come? Val just payed me so… anything you want I’ll get it.

Aaravi sighs.

aaravi

You’re buying me all the food they have.

BRIAN

Sounds good to me.

Brian smiles down at Aaravi and helps her up.

INT. SATYA’S BAR – MEANWHILE

Back at the Bar, Amira and Vera are at the end of their game of pool. Vera’s lining up to sink the final one.

AMIRA

Miss… miss it… Come onnn…

VERA

(CHUCKLING) Amira, I’m not going to miss. It’s a straight shot.

AMIRA

You never know!

VERA

I’ve taken this shot thousands of times. I’m not going to.

Vera resumes her concentration. Amira slowly, but surely gets closer to Vera’s ear. Vera tries to hold back her laughter.

BEAT.

AMIRA

(WHISPERING IN VERA’S EAR) _… miss._

Vera breaks.

VERA

(LAUGHING) Oh my god, you’re _so_ annoying!

AMIRA

See? Everything’s coming together right now. We’re playin’ mind games, I’m in your _head_ , Vera. Now you’re thinking of missing. Now you’re _scared._ I got you _scared._

VERA

(LAUGHING) You don’t fucking have me scared! This is the easiest shot in the world—- a fucking _baby_ could hit this! You’re _not_ in my head, what you’re saying isn’t affecting me in the _slighte--_

Vera slides and accidentally pushes her cue stick. It hits the cue ball, sending it rolling limply in the worst direction.

BEAT.

AMIRA

… That counted.

VERA

(TALKING OVER EACH OTHER) Nope! No, no, no way--

AMIRA

(TALKING OVER EACH OTHER) That counted! It counted, the stick hit the--

VERA

(TALKING OVER EACH OTHER) It doesn’t count, you distracted--

AMIRA

(TALKING OVER EACH OTHER) You hit it, you can’t say it didn’t hit we all saw you hit it--

VERA

You were the one going “Miss, Miss, Miss” which, if we were in a tournament, you’d be disqualified for, by the way--

AMIRA

Bitch, this ain’t no fuckin’ tournament! Think I’m finna play fair in my own _house?_ I’m not tryina _lose_ today. _Period._

Amira takes her cue stick and lines it up. Vera sighs overdramatically.

AMIRA

Second car here I come!

VERA

_Fiiiiine…_

Vera slides behind Amira and hugs her from the back while she’s trying to cue up. Amira reddens immediately. She rests her head on Amira’s shoulder and pouts.

VERA

You know, I would’ve bought you a new one if you’d just asked…

Amira’s hand trembles slightly as she registers the sudden contact from Vera.

AMIRA

V-Vera…!

VERA

(SULTRY) Hmmm…? What is it?

AMIRA

Wh… whatever you’re tryin’ to do it won’t work.

Vera tightens her embrace. Amira goes beet red.

VERA

What do you mean?

AMIRA

(STAMMERING) I-I’m gonna make this shot…

VERA

It’s an easy shot right…?

AMIRA

It’s--!

Vera gets right in Amira’s ear.

VERA

(WHISPERING) _It’s easy…_

Amira panics and accidentally hits the ball the wrong way. Amira realizes how thoroughly she blew the game and just looks down, defeated.

Vera steps away from her and wears a self-satisfied grin.

VERA

That counted!

Amira sighs and throws Vera the keys to the car she gave her. Vera catches, but looks confused.

VERA

Amira?

Amira looks away. Vera’s confusion turns to genuine worry.

VERA

Amira, is something wrong?

AMIRA

Nah it’s just… why do you always do that?

VERA

Always do what?

AMIRA

That thing where you, just… (AWKWARD) Y’know, when you like… start feelin’ me, and… like, get on me, and stuff…

VERA

Oh.

BEAT.

VERA

Because I want to.

AMIRA

You just… want to?

VERA

Yes?

AMIRA

… Oh, ok.

VERA

Amira…

AMIRA

Nah, it’s cool, I’m cool.

VERA

Amira, did I make you uncomfortable?

AMIRA

No! No, uh… you didn’t.

Vera

Then…?

Vera gets a little closer to Amira, but Amira steps back just as much. Vera notices this and raises an eyebrow.

AMIRA

U-uh, this distance is fine. I don’t know if my heart can take two doses of that today…

Amira looks away, thoroughly embarrassed.

VERA

I’m not psychic, Amira. If there’s something on your mind, you ought to tell me.

AMIRA

You… you serious?

VERA

Of course, why wouldn’t I be?

AMIRA

Nah, it’s just… I don’t know if you’d care, you’re kinda… 

VERA

I’m kinda…?

AMIRA

You worry about bigger stuff than me. I’m kinda… unimportant.

Amira steels herself and reveals what’s been on her mind.

amira

That’s it, actually… I’m just worried that when you do stuff like that… you’re just playin’ with me. Or that it don’t mean nothin’ to you. I’m worried I don’t… matter to you, at all.

Amira finishes speaking at takes a deep breath. Evidently this has been on her mind for a while.

Vera looks at Amira, fidgeting and blushing slightly, and inwardly considers many things. After a small moment of hesitation, she comes to a decision. Vera tries to step forward again, and Amira recoils a little as expected. Vera puts her hands up to indicate she means no harm.

VERA

Give me your hand.

Amira wordlessly, but shyly, complies. Vera takes Amira’s hand and caresses it softly. There’s a warmth and honesty in her gaze.

VERA

Amira… don’t say you don’t matter. I know I come off… strongly, to say the least… but believe me when I say, I don’t want to hurt you. And… I care about you deeply. You’re important to me.

Amira is affected by Vera’s words. She steps forward a little. Vera responds in kind. The two look deep in each other’s eyes.

VERA

I would give anything… for you to trust me.

Amira recognizes these words. So does Vera.

VERA

And I’m saying that sober this time, so… I hope you know I mean it.

AMIRA

(MOVED) You remember…

VERA

Of course, I do. In fact… I remember us being interrupted that time. Right?

AMIRA

Yeah…

Vera places a hand on Amira’s cheek once again.

VERA

Why don’t we pick up where we left off…?

As they’re about to kiss once again, though, surprise, surprise…

The girls are interrupted. Satya comes back holding… a cake.

SATYA

(HUMMING HAPPY BIRTHDAY) _…_

Vera is transcendentally confused by Satya, who’s interrupted their tender moment to offer them a birthday cake. She places the cake on the pool table and hisses softly at Amira.

Amira finally realizes.

AMIRA

Oh… oh shit.

VERA

What?

AMIRA

Today’s…

VERA

November 3rd?

AMIRA

Huh. Funny story… I was born today.

ACT THREE

EXT. FALL FIREWORKS FESTIVAL – EVENING

Brian, Aaravi and Norah wander through the festival. Brian and Aaravi are wearing Yukata, and Brian’s got a kitsune mask on.

BRIAN

I’m surprised you guys have stuff like this over here. Accurate too.

Aaravi’s holding three boxes of Japanese street food.

AARAVI

Accurate to what?

Aaravi munches on some Takoyaki.

BRIAN

Accurate to the ones I’ve been to. This is more of an eastern thing, I’m just weirded out you guys committed to it so hard when we’re… not there. I think.

AARAVI

Where are you from exactly, Brian?

BRIAN

Ooh, a personal question! Are we finally friends?

AARAVI

N-No!

NORAH

Now Aaravi, we’ve been over this…

Aaravi sighs.

AARAVI

Fine. I admit it, we’re friends.

BRIAN

Yes!

AARAVI

And we’re teammates.

BRIAN

Sure we are. To answer your question, I’m half Korean.

AARAVI

What’s the other half?

BRIAN

Uh… here.

Aaravi raises an eyebrow.

BRIAN

Whatever country we’re in right now.

AARAVI

You sure are weird…

BRIAN

That’s part of my appeal.

AARAVI

(LAUGHING) What appeal?

BRIAN

If I had appeal, it would be part of it.

Aaravi laughs a little.

AARAVI

Honestly though… This is super awkward for me to say so don’t make any faces or say anything weird to me about it but, it’s been dope adventuring together. I wanted you to know that I appreciate it.

BRIAN

Likewise. Call me whenever.

NORAH

Great! You’re making great progress. Can you feel it?

Aaravi smiles to herself.

AARAVI

… Yes.

BEAT.

BRIAN

Is that guy gonna be ok by the way?

AARAVI

Who? Oh, you mean _him?_

Aaravi puts her other arm up: she’s been dragging the Interdimensional Prince behind her the whole time. He’s knocked out, and has the cuffs on him.

AARAVI

It’ll be fine. We’re lucky he landed here.

BRIAN

Unconscious, too. Easy work!

AARAVI

No effort!

Brian and Aaravi high five.

EXT. FALL FIREWORKS FESTIVAL, ELSEWHERE - MEANWHILE

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the festival, Amira and Vera walk side by side. Both are wearing yukata as well.

AMIRA

Vera, for the last time, it wasn’t on _purpose._ I just forgot!

VERA

Unbelievable…

AMIRA

I swear I would’ve told you my birthday was today if I remembered it, honest!

VERA

What a waste. If I knew it was your birthday, no way I would’ve wasted it playing pool or… (BITTER) hanging out with Brian… (SIGHING) I had a whole day prepared in advance for when you’d tell me when your birthday was and everything…

AMIRA

You had a…

VERA

A day prepared. A list of things I wanted us to do on your birthday. It’s in my notes app, look.

AMIRA

Vera … what did I do to deserve you?

VERA

(LAUGHING) You know that phrase has a negative connotation, right?

AMIRA

I know but I’m asking that _literally,_ like… I just want to know, what have I done that deserves someone like you? _Do_ I deserve you?

VERA

I’d say you do. That’s up to me to decide, after all.

AMIRA

Believe me, just the fact you thought about me like that is… it’s amazing. Seriously.

VERA

Well! I’m glad you know how to be appreciative. It’s small comfort that the fall festival’s happening today… Normally I’d go with Valerie and my dad, but…

Vera takes Amira’s hand. Amira’s eyes widen a little.

VERA

You’re just as important to me. Happy birthday.

Vera surprises Amira with her straightforward feelings. This triggers something in Amira, and she looks away guiltily.

AMIRA

Um… I’m sorry, Vera, but… when I said I forgot it was my birthday, that was only half true.

VERA

Half true?

AMIRA

The truth is… I was trying to forget. Today three years ago is the day I got arrested.

VERA

Today, huh… I should’ve figured.

AMIRA

Hm?

VERA

You were on edge this morning… I thought it might’ve had something to do with this.

AMIRA

Well, it did. Police apprehended me today. I went on trial on the fourth. Sent to jail on the fifth.

VERA

So, let’s do it on the sixth.

AMIRA

Do what?

VERA

My idea. The day I had planned. Let’s do it all on the sixth.

AMIRA

The sixth…

VERA

It’ll be like… your new birthday. A day that doesn’t have anything to do with what you went through, so you can enjoy growing older again, and celebrate it.

AMIRA

Um, this might sound weird but… can we do the seventh?

VERA

Sure. Any particular reason why?

AMIRA

I just… I don’t like the number 6, that’s all.

VERA

That so… Why, superstitious?

AMIRA

It’s personal.

Vera tries to prod Amira, but Amira doesn’t budge. Vera relents.

AMIRA

I’ll tell you one day.

EXT. FALL FIREWORKS FESTIVAL, NEAR BRIAN AND AARAVI – MEANWHILE

Back near Brian and Aaravi, the two are midway through a conversation.

AARAVI

“Even though some monsters are cool, most are totally despicable.” That’s the reason I tell myself when I think about what drives me to do this job, but… that can’t be all of it. And I don’t think it is. You mentioned how my hunting monsters might be personal… It made me mad to hear it but thinking more about it I think you might be right. You remember how I said I came from a long line of monster hunters, right?

BRIAN

Yeah?

AARAVI

Well… my dad was actually a monster. He was never home, and he ended up abandoning us. My mom died of a cursed disease, but I think, in a way… she died of a broken heart, since she was never the same after he left. For a while it was just me, my grandma and my brother Salil, but before long… my brother disappeared too.

BRIAN

What happened to him?

AARAVI

No idea. Maybe some monsters kidnapped him because of the blood we carry. Maybe he left to go look for our dad. He was younger after all; He didn’t get to see what kind of man he really was.

Brian takes in the story empathetically.

AARAVI

… Sorry for rambling for so long I—

BRIAN

Don’t apologize.

Aaravi quiets down.

BRIAN

It must be tough, going through all that alone. Don’t forget you’ve got friends, ok?

Aaravi nods quietly.

aARAVI

Alright, enough about me. I opened up, so you’ve gotta say something too.

BRIAN

Ahh… I don’t really have anything.

NORAH

Come on, Brian. Your friend shared so much with you; You need to honor her emotional vulnerability.

BRIAN

Fine, fine… Don’t make fun of me for this, because I know I made it seem like it was no big deal, but… I’m sad Vera left.

VERA

(V.O.) He’s such an asshole.

EXT. FALL FESTIVAL, NEAR AMIRA AND VERA – MEANWHILE

Vera and Amira are still walking hand in hand. Vera’s won a goldfish in a fishing game.

VERA

It’s like… does he _have_ to be such a dick _all_ the time? I barely even say anything to him and he starts trying to tear me down! It’s exhausting!

AMIRA

Who are you talking about?

VERA

Brian? (CLARIFYING) Tampon boy.

AMIRA

Ohhh.

VERA

Ugh… I swear, I’m literally never speaking to him again.

AMIRA

I mean, I don’t know… I don’t know him like _that_ , but he hardly seems like the type of dude you should be stressing over.

VERA

He keeps trying to… _compete_ with me. Like, he competes with me as though he’ll win. There’s no way he’ll win, I’m me.

AMIRA

What does he compete with you in?

VERA

You know… stuff!

AMIRA

What stuff? Give me an example.

VERA

Like… like…!

BRIAN

(V.O.) Valerie.

EXT. FALL FESTIVAL, NEAR BRIAN AND AARAVI – MEANWHILE

BRIAN

I think Valerie’s what’s coming between us.

AARAVI

What’s the matter? It’s not like she has to choose between you two or anything.

BRIAN

It’s not that simple.

AARAVI

Well, why? She’s her sister and you’re her employee, what’s the problem?

brian

The problem is I want to be more than her employee.

EXT. FALL FESTIVAL, NEAR AMIRA AND VERA – MEANWHILE

vera

I’m Valerie’s only sister. There’s no way I’m letting a loser like Brian get anywhere with her.

AMIRA

Well… why? It’s not really your business.

VERA

But it _is_ my business! It’ll be awful if they get together.

AMIRA

Really?

VERA

You don’t get it.

AMIRA

I guess I don’t… I just don’t see what’s the problem with them getting together.

VERA

If Brian and Valerie get together then I’ll have to… b-be nice to him and stuff!

BEAT.

VERA

What? It’s a real problem!

EXT. FALL FESTIVAL, NEAR BRIAN AND AARAVI – MEANWHILE

BRIAN

It’s just annoying she keeps acting like a bouncer for Valerie, you know? Like, Val’s an adult, she can make her own decisions.

AARAVI

You’re not making it easy for her, you know that right? Even _if_ Vera wanted to accept you, the fact that you keep fighting with her isn’t helping at all.

BRIAN

Well what am I supposed to do?! This shit’s not fair!

EXT. FALL FESTIVAL, NEAR AMIRA AND VERA – MEANWHILE

VERA

My sister deserves a go-getter, someone driven, not some… lazy, underachieving slacker who scores below the average on _every_ test!

EXT. FALL FESTIVAL, NEAR BRIAN AND AARAVI – MEANWHILE

BRIAN

Vera doesn’t even _know_ me! Like, sorry I don’t care about placing on a history test, that doesn’t mean I’m worthless! I got the job with Val to prove I was reliable!

EXT. FALL FESTIVAL, NEAR AMIRA AND VERA – MEANWHILE

VERA

If he can admit that I _have_ the right to not like him, even if my sister does--

EXT. FALL FESTIVAL, NEAR BRIAN AND AARAVI – MEANWHILE

BRIAN

If she can admit that what’s between me and Valerie’s none of her business--

EXT. FALL FESTIVAL, NEAR AMIRA AND VERA – MEANWHILE

VERA

Then maybe--

EXT. FALL FESTIVAL, NEAR BRIAN AND AARAVI – MEANWHILE

BRIAN

_Maybe--_

EXT. FALL FESTIVAL – CONTINUOUS

VERA & BRIAN

(SIMULATENOUS) Maybe I’ll consider being friends.

Brian and Vera stop dead in their tracks. The groups have crossed each other.

Brian and Vera turn to one another.

BEAT.

VERA

(SIMULATENOUS) Hey, loser.

BRIAN

(SIMULATENOUS) Hey, buzzkill.

VERA

Wasted your whole day with that thing Valerie gave you? It’s not a tampon, but, I hope it excited you nonetheless.

BRIAN

Holding hands with Amira, what are you scared you’ll get lost? I feel you, directions are tough for your reptile brain.

Aaravi and Amira pinch Brian and Vera’s cheeks respectively.

BRIAN & VERA

Ow!

AARAVI

You babies!

AMIRA

What the hell are y’all doin’?

AARAVI

Talk to each other, for _once_!

AMIRA

You know damn well neither of you meant that shit you just said.

BRIAN

Alright, alright I get it just stop pinching me!

VERA

Why does this hurt so much?!

AMIRA

Guilt.

Aaravi and Amira unhand Brian and Vera. Both of them look at each other with contempt, but that contempt fades and they both sigh, dreading the inevitable.

EXT. FALL FESTIVAL, NEARBY HILL – LATER

Brian and Vera are sitting near a shrine on a Hill overlooking the festival.

BRIAN

They even have a shrine out here… you guys went all out…

Vera sighs loudly.

VERA

You know I was having a nice day until you showed up.

BRIAN

Likewise.

VERA

… I guess that’s how I feel about me and Valerie as well. It was all fine until you threw a wrench in our spokes. Now I’m expected to tolerate someone like you… just because, against my sincerest wishes, you truly do _matter_ to Valerie.

BRIAN

I’m surprised… That’s exactly how I feel about you. I know that, no matter what I do, or what me and Val become… I’ll never be worth more to her than you do. So regrettably, as much as I wish it wasn’t so, if you really do hate me that much… I think Valerie might reject me based on that alone.

VERA

That makes me feel a little better.

BRIAN

What, that you can just pull the rug from under my love life?

VERA

No, that you understand how it feels to realize someone you love loves someone else. That it’s not just… you two.

Brian looks out at the festival.

VERA

If you want my opinion… I think I’m the third wheel.

BRIAN

No way. It’s definitely me.

VERA

It’s me, Brian.

BRIAN

She’s known you her whole life, Vera.

VERA

You don’t know how much she likes you.

Vera pauses.

VERA

You don’t know how much she talks about you. And how happy you make her… For the first time since I’ve seen her open it, Valerie sees the store as more than somewhere to make money. It’s a place that belongs to you both.

BRIAN

I can’t let you call yourself a third wheel like that… Everywhere other than the store belongs to Val and _you_. You’re number one, it’s obvious.

VERA

I don’t blame you for not understanding. No… I blame myself, for not trying to make you understand.

Vera stares up at the night sky.

VERA

Brian… do you hate me? Tell me honestly.

BRIAN

I… I’m not sure. You do awful shit. You’ve done awful shit to me, and you _definitely_ dislike me, so how am I meant to feel?

VERA

What if I said I didn’t hate you, would that change your answer?

BRIAN

… A little.

VERA

A little?

BRIAN

Maybe a lot. I wouldn’t call us friends, but… If you really didn’t hate me, then I’d do my best to feel the same.

VERA

That’s unfortunate. I truly do hate you.

BRIAN

That _is_ unfortunate.

VERA

But I hate everyone. Excluding my family, there’s not a single soul I haven’t hated at least once. That’s just how I’m wired.

BRIAN

That sounds exhausting. Hating everyone from the get-go? You must have a lot of energy.

VERA

I think it’s a lot easier. What takes energy is loving people. Caring about people… making them trust you, listening to their thoughts and feelings… It’s so much easier to manipulate someone than to truly love them.

BRIAN

…

VERA

That’s just how I am. I’m sure that…

Vera’s words seem stuck in her throat.

VERA

(PAINED) I’m sure that… if the time comes when I really do want to love someone… I’ll regret being myself with every fiber of my being. Because I know that before I come to terms with my love for them, I’ll most surely have hurt them irreparably somewhere along the way.

Brian takes in Vera’s honesty.

vera

Now do you understand? Why I’m so possessive of Valerie… Valerie and my father are the only two people I don’t have this fear with.

Brian steels himself before asking a question he might already know the answer to.

BRIAN

… What about your mother?

Vera stares through Brian.

VERA

She’s long dead.

Brian looks straight in Vera’s eyes. There’s a prevailing sadness in her gaze.

BRIAN

I guess Valerie was right…

Brian’s gaze holds the same sadness.

BRIAN

We really do have something in common after all.

A flash of light flares up in the sky.

The fireworks are starting.

FADE OUT:

THE END


	16. Oz and Zoe's Colossal Cult Adventure

FADE IN:

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, ART CLUB ROOM – MORNING

Zoe sits at a table in the art club, enraptured in a manga she’s reading. After a beat she slams it shut.

ZOE

Oz! I finished it!

Cut to Oz, who’s painting something beside her.

OZ

You finished that one too, huh?

ZOE

Yup!

oz

Alright, I’ll get you the next one.

ZOE

Yaaaay!

Oz walks over to the shelf and scans through the issues.

OZ

I’m impressed though, you’re really tearing through these. I mean, you finished all of One Piece, Naruto, Bleach, Garfield, Dragon Ball…

ZOE

They’re great! Thanks for showing them to me, Oz.

Oz looks back at Zoe.

ZOE

Oz? What’s up?

OZ

Sorry it’s just… I still can’t believe you’re here. Going to school with us and stuff, it’s… I’m really happy.

ZOE

Aw, G-Geez Oz… you can’t just say that out of nowhere, I’ll get embarrassed!

OZ

I mean it. I’m really, really happy.

ZOE

Of course, I’d come back, you know? You’re like… family, to me. If I had a family, you’d be like my big brother. You show me all this cool stuff!

Zoe beams from ear to ear. Oz reciprocates at first, but his expression hardens a little.

OZ

… _if_ you had a family?

ZOE

Uh… yeah. I don’t have a family Oz. I’ve been alone from the start.

OZ

That’s… Zoe, aren’t you a God? Don’t you belong to a pantheon?

ZOE

Not really! No… I was always kind of an outcast. I knew there were other eldritch horrors out there but they never really… reached out to me.

OZ

Zoe…

ZOE

Those guys are long gone, though! Haha, honestly it’s for the best. I think…

Zoe looks back at the manga in front of her. Her cheerful demeanor fades.

ZOE

I think they wouldn’t like me… the way I am now.

OZ

…

Oz is saddened by Zoe’s loneliness. Something, however, catches his attention: there’s a glimmer in the back of the shelf. Oz reaches for it.

ZOE

I mean, I wouldn’t blame them! I’m… different. Honestly, I think I might be too strange for--

OZ

WOAH!

Zoe turns back to Oz. Oz beholds what he’s found in the shelf: A golden ring with an all-seeing eye insignia on it.

ZOE

Holy smokes! Wh-What’s that?!

OZ

I think It’s… a cult ring? Seems pretty cult-y right, what with the, uh… eye…

Zoe walks up to Oz and observes the ring. She looks utterly mystified by it.

ZOE

A cult… and this eye! It looks like mine, right? Look!

Zoe puts up the ring next to the eye on her head.

OZ

Pretty similar, actually!

ZOE

(EXCITED) It… it is, right?! Oz, do you think--?!

Zoe looks up at Oz and gives him a smile full of hope.

ZOE

Do you think there’s another? Another eldritch god like me, here too?!

Oz looks down at Zoe, who is in such thorough glee at the prospect of there being another like her, and steels himself.

OZ

Zoe? Manga’s gonna have to wait! Because guess what? You and I are--!

TITLE: “OZ AND ZOE JOIN A CULT”

THEME SONG

ACT ONE

INT. VALERIE’S STORE – MORNING

Brian has his legs on the counter, inspecting the cult ring with special glasses. Oz waits impatiently for him to be done. Zoe’s off looking at merchandise.

OZ

So? What can you tell us about it?

Brian takes the glasses off.

BRIAN

This… is a cult ring.

BEAT.

OZ

We know.

BRIAN

… I know you know, I was making a joke. You didn’t even chuckle or anything, though, dang… tough crowd.

OZ

Are you being paid by the hour, man?

BRIAN

Geez, relax alright? Val’s sick so It’s my first day running this place on my own! I got first day jitters.

OZ

I repeat: are you being paid by the hour? Tell me something useful, I beg you.

BRIAN

Well shit, it’s a fuckin’ ring! What am I supposed to say? It’s a size 6?

OZ

Is it?

BRIAN

Actually, that’s a little off, this thing’s tiny… size 6 is more like… _this_. Whoever owned this has small hands. See? Something useful!

OZ

Right, small hands. (SARCASTIC) Why don’t I just consult the hand-size registry at city hall, cross reference by pinky width…

brian

I’m doing my best here, dude. You’re not giving me a lot to work with, there’s like a trillion rings out there. What are you even looking for, anyway?

OZ

My and my friend are trying to find whatever cult that ring’s a membership to.

BRIAN

And what, am I just supposed to geolocate these guys off one of what could be thousands of their rings? Does this shit have Bluetooth or something?

Brian shakes the ring and puts it next to his phone.

BRIAN

Nope. Hold on, maybe I have to charge it first.

Brian takes a charging cable and tries to plug it into the ring.

OZ

(DEADPAN) Are you done?

BRIAN

You’re really not laughing at all? These are jokes, dude.

OZ

Keep your day job.

Zoe comes up and drops a heap of items on the counter. Among them is one get-along shirt.

ZOE

I would like to buy these, please!

BRIAN

Oh hey, it’s you!

ZOE

Hiya Brian!

BRIAN

Hey there, purple forest creature.

Zoe chuckles.

OZ

Wh-… forest?

zoe

That’s not my name silly, it’s Zoe! Now let me buy these items! With money!

BRIAN

I know, Zoe, we’re in the same class.

Brian rings up the items.

brian

I see you go to school here now.

ZOE

Sure do! Got kinda caught up for a couple weeks with a little resurrection related altercation, but that’s well out of the way now! I’m ready to finally enjoy the springtime of my youth!

BRIAN

What youth, aren’t you millions of years old?

ZOE

(POUTING) Hey, rude! Don’t talk about my age like that, I _am_ a girl, you know!

Brian laughs.

BRIAN

I’m glad to see you so upbeat. Looks like you’ve got your life figured out.

ZOE

(DISHEARTENED) Well… I wouldn’t say that, exactly…

BRIAN

(REGRETFUL) Uh… Sorry for saying that…

ZOE

No, it’s ok. That’s what we’re here for: I wanna find this ring’s cult because I’m trying to find another eldritch God like me.

BRIAN

Ahh, I see… you’re lonely, huh.

ZOE

I… maybe. (TO OZ) Is that why I’m feeling?

Oz nods sadly.

BRIAN

Hmm…

ZOE

Do you have any information? Anything could help.

BRIAN

Actually… I was saving this as a last resort, but I can tell this is really important. Stand back guys…

Brian puts up his phone.

BRIAN

(SERIOUS) This might be dangerous.

BEAT.

Brian dials a number. After a ring it picks up.

BRIAN

(ON PHONE) Uhhh, hey Valerie. Can I ask you something real quick?

INT. OBERLIN HOME – MEANWHILE

Valerie’s splayed out on the couch, under a blanket with a cold compress on her forehead, talking to Brian on the phone.

VALERIE

(ON PHONE) Brian, you’re calling me _already?_

BRIAN

(THROUGH PHONE) “This is important.”

VALERIE

(ON PHONE) It better be _real_ important. I’m sick! Let me rest!

BRIAN

(THROUGH PHONE) “I know, I know, and I’m sorry but I swear there’s a good reason…” (PAUSING) “There. I sent you a picture of this thing, do you know anything about it?”

Valerie looks at the picture Brian sent her of the cult ring.

VALERIE

(ON PHONE) Hmmmm… lemme think… Well I know Liam has one of these, he seems pretty into it. Besides it being a ring and it belonging to a cult for sure, I can’t tell you much without having it in my hands.

BRIAN

(THROUGH PHONE) “I see… so Liam probably knows more about it?”

VALERIE

(ON PHONE) I guess so.

BRIAN

(THROUGH PHONE) “That’s a good hint, I think. Thanks, Val.”

VALERIE

(ON PHONE) No problem…

Valerie hangs up. She drops the phone on the coffee table beside her and sighs, nursing her headache. Vera walks into the room.

VERA

Dad’ll be back soon to take care of you. He took time off when he heard you were sick.

VALERIE

Really… I guess I’m glad, even though I’d rather he took that time off for himself.

VERA

Rest well, Valerie.

VALERIE

Sure…

As Vera walks toward the door, and by the couch where Valerie’s resting, Valerie notices something strange. 

VALERIE

Vera?

VERA

Yes?

VALERIE

This might be the sickness talking but… the perfume you’re wearing. It’s new, right? Are you going on a date?

Vera freezes for an instant… but plays it off.

VERA

You’re mistaken--

However, as Vera turns around to answer her sister, Valerie catches a glimpse of Vera and notices something else strange.

VALERIE

Oh my god, you’ve got MAKEUP on!

VERA

(SCOFFING) I _always_ have makeup on--

VALERIE

No, no, no. This is different. You put in _way_ more effort-- is _this_ what you were doing all morning?!

VERA

Valerie… get some rest.

VALERIE

Nope! I’m not laying down until you tell me EXACTLY who you’re dolled up for.

VERA

Don’t say I’m “Dolled up”, that’s gross!

VALERIE

If you change the subject again, I’m gonna start rattling off names, and you _know_ I’ll know exactly which one it is the second I say it, even if you try to keep a poker face. I always beat you at Poker, I can read you like a book.

VERA

Ok, you do _not_ always beat me--

VALERIE

Is it Brian?

VERA

(DISGUSTED) Ewww! Why would you even SAY that--?!

VALERIE

Amira.

Vera blushes ever so slightly.

VALERIE

Got it! It’s Amira!

Vera groans and pinches the bridge of her nose.

VERA

(FRUSTRATED) Oh my god, I fucking hate you sometimes!

VALERIE

You wanna know what I hate? When you go on dates with girls and just, don’t tell me. Like I’m supposed to figure it out on my own, or something.

VERA

Why should I tell you, Valerie? It’s none of--

VALERIE

(SMUG) None of what? None of my business? Funny. Funny you should say that. Funny you, specifically, should say that.

VERA

(EMBARASSED) … Never mind.

VALERIE

Seriously though… you’re going this far for _Amira?_ You might really like her after all.

VERA

(EMBARASSED) Don’t be stupid! You think just because I’m doing this I “like” her? Pathetic, I would never. Who do you think I am? Just because I’m offering her this very _small_ kindness - This paltry, insignificant piece of my attention – doesn’t mean I see her as anything more than a convenient partner. That’s right, this is just to maintain a cordial relationship! She’s nothing more than a co-worker, a colleague! In fact-- (INTERRUPTING HERSELF) Valerie, why are you recording me?

Valerie’s had her phone out recording since Vera started her rant.

VALERIE

Don’t mind me, I’m just keeping this footage so I can show you this in five months when you two are dating.

BEAT.

VALERIE

Annnd… saved to the cloud. Have fun on your date!

Vera frustratedly leaves and slams the door. Valerie laughs to herself.

VALERIE

Haha…

BEAT.

VALERIE

Oh man, this headache is awful. My brain is on fire right now, Geez…

ACT TWO

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, BATHROOMS – NOON

Liam sits in an evil looking swivel chair and spins around, revealing himself stroking a cat.

LIAM

(OMINOUS) Ah, Oz and Zoe. I’d been expecting you.

BEAT.

OZ

Liam, this is a bathroom.

ZOE

Is this why he made us wait outside for 10 minutes?

LIAM

Stop it--

OZ

Wait, whose cat is that?

ZOE

Maybe he found it in here, and taming it is what took 10 minutes…

LIAM

Stop! Stop… _nitpicking_ my presentation! You guys are the ones asking for _my_ help, you know!

OZ

You’re right, sorry…

LIAM

As always. So… (OMINOUS) I heard you were looking into _this_ cult.

Liam puts up his fist revealing a cult ring similar to the one Oz and Zoe have in their possession. His is in vaporwave colors.

OZ

We are…

ZOE

Aw, why’s his ring cool colors? Ours is just gold.

OZ

What’s wrong with gold?

ZOE

Poor man’s yellow.

OZ

Damn straight.

Oz and Zoe high-five.

ZOE

Anyway, could you tell us who or what this cult worships? (SHYLY) And, um, ideally, how to meet who or what they worship, heheh…

liam

Tsk, tsk. I knew you were newbies, but to _this_ degree? Did you not listen at _all_ during your initiation?

ZOE

I-… initiation?

LIAM

The initiation every member must go through to enter this cult. You know… the reason it’s so exclusive. The initiation. You know.

BEAT.

OZ

Uh… yes! Yes, we… (PRETENDING) Oh, geez! We plum forgot what they told us during initiation!

ZOE

“Plum” …?

OZ

(WHISPERING) Play along. (PRETENDING) If only there were some… very cool, senior member of the cult who could remind us!

ZOE

Uh… Yes! If only a cool cult senpai could show us the way!

OZ

(WHISPERING) Wow, you dropped that _way_ too casually…

ZOE

(WHISPERING) You know what I’ve been reading for the past week, Oz. My brain’s in another country right now.

LIAM

(FLATTERED) Mhmhm… a cult senpai! Very well, I suppose I’ll share what I know… with my… cult kouhai.

Liam laughs to himself. No one else does.

LIAM

Ahem. This cult is special. Everything about it is shrouded in mystery… From who the members are, to what we’re meant to be doing at any given moment, to even – yes – what we’re supposed to be worshipping. The god this all-seeing eye represents… no one knows its name.

ZOE

(DISSAPOINTED) … So, you don’t know?

LIAM

I didn’t say that. Saying you don’t know is an admission of defeat. It’s surrendering yourself to Athena, goddess of knowledge, and letting the waves of intellectual obscurity wash you away like pounds upon pounds of plastic in our oceans… I am nothing like that. You see, kouhai, I am the one _closest_ to figuring out who the God of this cult is!

ZOE

You are?!

LIAM

Indeed! I’ve been looking into it for quite some time. And good news… I have a promising lead.

OZ

That’s great… I was hoping this cult business would be a lot more straightforward than this, but I don’t mind so much if it’ll be resolved so easily.

ZOE

What’s your lead?

LIAM

I’ve found fellow members of the cult. My initiation left me in the dark on a lot of things… I suppose they did it on purpose, knowing that my towering intellect deserved the fitting challenge of figuring out what I’d gotten myself into in the first place. I didn’t mind, I like being left in the dark – as I am a vampire - but the truth - and I - can’t stay shrouded forever. I’m sure that, for _those_ members, their initiations must’ve revealed pieces of the puzzle I am yet to be privy to.

OZ

Ok…? I guess that works out. What do you think, Zoe? Down to follow Liam for a while?

ZOE

I’m down to follow just about anyone if they’ll follow me back.

Zoe puts up her phone. She’s got her twitter account open.

ZOE

Seriously, though, follow me back guys. And retweet my Bulma drawing.

OZ

That one’s good, you’re really improving your anatomy.

ZOE

Right?? I’m getting pretty good!

LIAM

Um, incidentally, would either of you like to _ask_ what my initiation was? I’ve mentioned it a few times… vaguely… hoping for some follow up questions on that…

Silence. BEAT.

LIAM

… This actually isn’t my cat.

OZ

W-wait…!

The cat purrs and turns its head toward Oz and Zoe.

OZ

Holy shit, that’s Magnus! What the hell are _you_ doing with it, Liam?!

ZOE

M-Magnus…?

OZ

That’s Polly and I’s cat! We lost him, I can’t believe Liam had him this _whole_ time… what the hell?!

Zoe raises an eyebrow.

OZ

What?

ZOE

(CONFUSED) “Polly… _and_ I”?

OZ

Yeah, it’s our cat. We adopted it.

ZOE

(CONFUSED) “ _Our” …??_ You guys adopted a cat… together?

OZ

Yeah?

Oz motions to Magnus, who jumps off Liam’s lap and into Oz’ arms.

OZ

Aww… please don’t run away again, alright, Magnus? You had us so worried…

Magnus meows and nuzzles itself into Oz chest. Oz pets it.

OZ

Good cat.

Zoe still looks extremely confused.

EXT. MONSTROPOLIS, PEGASUS INTERNATIONAL CIRCUIT ENTRANCE – MORNING 

Amira stands in awe and reverence as she looks out at the world-famous speedway.

AMIRA

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Amira can’t help but laugh at the grandiosity of the racetrack.

AMIRA

Holy fucking shit!

Amira turns to face Vera, who has a gentle, but self-assured smile on her face.

VERA

What do you think? Impressive, right?

AMIRA

I can’t believe it… How did you even manage to get us in here? This is where they do the Pegasus 500, it’s no joke! I watch this on _T.V._ I never thought I’d get to… fuckin’, BE here!

VERA

Wow, you’re even more amazed by this than I anticipated…

AMIRA

Fuck yeah, I am! This is just… it’s more than a childhood dream, I never would’ve even _dared_ to dream of coming here one day.

VERA

I’m concerned… If seeing an empty racetrack is enough to get you _this_ excited, then you might really and truly _faint_ with this next part.

AMIRA

Faint? Wh-… why?

VERA

Amira… what’s your favorite car--?

AMIRA

You know what my favorite car is.

VERA

(LAUGHING) Yeah I do but at least let me _finish_ asking!

amira

You already know, though! Fave car’s gotta be the P1, _easy._

VERA

Well that’s interesting because, as I’m sure you’re aware, this racetrack is special in the history of McLaren and the P1, specifically. They first unveiled it here, 8 years ago.

AMIRA

Yeah… man I remember watching that race on the dinky little tv we have in the bar when I was a little kid. You don’t know how badly I wanted to drive one one day.

VERA

But unfortunately, they only ever made 300 of them.

Amira scoffs.

AMIRA

No, the unfortunate part is they cost 3 million dollars! Believe me, if there were only 300 but they were affordable I would’ve gotten my hands on one by any means necessary. But… they weren’t.

VERA

They weren’t…

AMIRA

And… they won’t ever be.

Vera signals to some people while Amira speaks.

AMIRA

Vera… you don’t know how badly I wanted one of those things when I was a kid. Convinced I’d get one too, if I worked hard enough. But that’s never gonna happen, right…?

A cherry red sports car is wheeled out right behind Amira, totally silently, and without Amira even noticing.

Amira sighs.

AMIRA

Honestly… you don’t know what I’d give, just to _see_ one. Just to… get a _look_ at what I know I can’t ever--

Amira turns around and finally notices it.

AMIRA

(TRAILING OFF) have…

A number is painted on the side of the vehicle. This thing is built for races – for the _first_ race it was ever revealed in. This is the first P1. The first one ever built, and the first one ever driven.

Vera stands besides it with that same, self-assured, utterly confident, but gentle smile.

VERA

Happy birthday.

Vera presses the button on the key. The doors open slowly.

BEAT.

Amira falls backwards onto the ground with a thud.

VERA

A-Amira!

Vera runs over to her. Amira hasn’t fainted, she’s just staring at the ceiling with eyes wide in disbelief.

AMIRA

… Is that why I think it is?

VERA

It’s _exactly_ what you think it is.

AMIRA

Vera…

A bewildered grin grows on Amira’s face.

AMIRA

Can I drive it?

EXT. PEGASUS RACEWAY – A LITTLE LATER

The sports car whizzes by at incredible speed.

We cut inside the car, Amira and Vera are inside with racing helmets. Vera’s hanging on for dear life, but Amira’s having a blast.

AMIRA

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

VERA

A-AMIRA! J-JUST BECAUSE THIS THING GOES TO 300 KILOMETERS PER HOUR DOESN’T MEAN _YOU_ HAVE TO!

AMIRA

IT’S A FUCKIN’ RACETRACK! I’LL BLOW THE WHEELS OF THIS CAR IF IT LETS ME!

Amira and Vera notice a turn coming up.

VERA

THERE’S THE TURN! SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!

AMIRA

NAH, NAH, IMMA DRIFT!

VERA

YOU’RE _WHAT?!_

AMIRA

DRIFT! LEMME DRIFT THIS THING!

VERA

HAVE YOU _EVER_ ATTEMPTED A DRIFT BEFORE?!

AMIRA

YEAH, OBVIOUSLY!

Amira cracks her neck.

AMIRA

… AND I THINK I REMEMBER HOW TO DO IT, TOO!

BEAT.

VERA

I’m gonna die.

Amira starts drifting the car.

VERA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH--!!

TEXT: “500 miles later…”

EXT. PEGASUS INTERNATIONAL CIRCUIT, ENTRANCE – LATER

The car slowly drives into view. Amira takes her helmet off.

AMIRA

Phew! Man, that shit was fun! We gotta do that again sometime, huh?

Vera’s just staring down with her helmet still on.

AMIRA

Vera?

Amira takes off Vera’s helmet. She doesn’t even move, she just keeps staring at the ground, the fear of death in her eyes.

AMIRA

… Vera, you good?

Silence.

AMIRA

… I like your perfume?

Vera smiles a little.

Amira steps out of the car and leads Vera out as well.

AMIRA

I can’t believe I actually got to drive that car…

VERA

I’m glad you enjoyed it.

AMIRA

I hope you did too at least a _little_. You were in there _scared_ the whole time. Relax! I’m a good driver!

VERA

Well you did pull off that drift…

AMIRA

Right??

VERA

I suppose I must commend your driving instructor.

AMIRA

My… what?

VERA

Wh-… Your driving instructor. The one who gave you your license? Your driver’s license?

BEAT.

AMIRA

… Vera--

VERA

(TERRIFIED, INTERRUPTING) Don’t. Don’t say it. Because… if you say it, it’s going to become real for me, and if it does, I’ll have a heart attack.

AMIRA

… Vera, I went to jail when I was 16. When would I have… Vera, I don’t have a--

VERA

STOP!

Amira starts laughing uproariously. Vera calms herself down.

VERA

Setting that aside for the… _immediate_ future… You better get one soon. I mean, _really_ soon. You drive me places, Amira. Get a license.

AMIRA

Sure, I promise.

VERA

Setting that aside… I’m glad you enjoyed that.

AMIRA

(EXCITED) Of course I did! It’s THE car! You know??

VERA

Yes… it’s just a shame, though.

AMIRA

Wh-what’s a shame?

VERA

Shame you can’t keep it. This car is a collector’s item, it’s priceless. More than that, it’s not at all street legal. You couldn’t drive this thing anywhere besides the circuit.

AMIRA

I mean… yeah--

VERA

Isn’t it sad? It’d be great if you could drive a car this amazing whenever you wanted…

Vera smirks. Amira starts sweating.

AMIRA

V-Vera, you better not be sayin’ what I think you’re sayin’… (SCOFFING) N-Nah! Nah, no way… there’s only 300 of them in existence, no way a someone like me could ever get once. Right? Right?!

BEAT.

Vera claps her hands. A custom McLaren P1 is wheeled right behind Amira. Amira’s hears it but doesn’t turn around.

AMIRA

Vera, I swear to you, if I turn around and there’s a fuckin’ P1 behind me I will… I’m gonna die, straight up. I’ll die right then and there.

VERA

What a shame… I’ll get a coffin ready I suppose.

Amira whispers a silent prayer and turns around.

The instant she sees it, she loses her mind.

AMIRA

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Amira paces around the car in sheer excitement. She can barely make coherent sentences she’s so incredibly overjoyed.

Vera walks over to the car.

VERA

What you have here, is a custom McLaren P1 I had commissioned… I had them keep the base but update everything on the inside – this model _is_ 8 years old after all. I wanted the bleeding edge. To rattle off all the changes, first off the seats are…

Vera trails off once she sees Amira fidgeting and smiling at her eagerly. Vera relents and laughs to herself.

VERA

… You just want to know if it has subs, don’t you?

AMIRA

(HOPEFUL) Does it?? Does it have subs??

Vera rolls her eyes and presses a button on the key. The trunk pops open and Amira runs over to see that, yes:

The car has subwoofers.

AMIRA

(THRILLED) ITS GOT SUBS!!

Amira runs up and hugs Vera.

AMIRA

THANK YOU! THANK YOU SO MUCH!

Vera grimaces from being hugged so hard, but through the pain, smiles tenderly.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CLASSROOM - AFTERNOON

SCOTT

You guys are in the cult too??

Scott and Damien are in art class, doing some pottery. Together. They’re sitting one in front of the other, with Scott in the back, guiding Damien’s hands. Also, Scott’s shirtless.

You know, like bros. 

Oz, Zoe and Liam (and the cat Magnus) are doing their best to not bring any attention to what the boys are doing or what it looks like.

DAMIEN

That’s sick! I’m in it too!

scott

Look at my ring!

Scott’s wearing the ring on his thumb.

Damien

Look at mine.

Damien pulls back his shirt to reveal the ring is attached to his nipple.

DAMIEN

I’m wearing it as a nipple ring. I had mine modded.

ZOE

(DISSAPOINTED) Man, that’s way cooler than me…

OZ

Zoe, having a regular ring is nothing to be ashamed about--

ZOE

I wish I had nipples…

BEAT.

Zoe snaps her fingers.

ZOE

Alright, now I’ve got ‘em. Hold on--

Zoe looks down her shirt.

ZOE

(WINCING) Ah, that looks weird. Yeah, that’s super weird-- I have no idea where they’re supposed to go. I think I’m gonna need someone to help me out with this, or else I’m just gonna put ‘em everywhere! H-haha--

Oz puts a hand on Zoe’s shoulder.

OZ

(GENUINE) Stop.

ZOE

(SADDENED) Ok…

LIAM

In case you twin bozos forgot, we’re here to interrogate these gentlemen. Can we move past nipples, please?

DAMIEN

Interrogate my nuts, dude, I’m busy here.

Scott keeps silently spooning Damien/doing pottery with him.

LIAM

(SARCASTIC) Right. Busy. (SERIOUS) Can you two just answer one question? Believe me, I don’t want to behold _this_ any more than strictly necessary.

SCOTT

Sure, Liam. What’s your question?

LIAM

These two – my sidekicks… or perhaps, even apprentices…?

Liam looks at Oz and Zoe to gauge their reaction to what he’s said and ascertain if they’d want to become converts of Liam-ism.

They clearly do not.

LIAM

(DISSAPOINTED) I’ll just let them ask themselves.

OZ

Ok…? (CLEARING THROAT) Uh, hey guys! My name’s Oz, this is Zoe.

SCOTT

Hey Oz! Hey Zoe!

DAMIEN

I’m Damien and that’s Scott.

ZOE

Hey Damien, Hey Scott! I’m seeing a lot of people today! So many boys!

OZ

She and I are trying to find out what the cult we’re apparently all a part of worships in the first place.

scott

(SIMULATENOUS) Don’t know.

DAMIEN

(SIMULATENOUS) No clue.

liam

Wh-what?!

oz

(SARCASTIC) Wow, Nice lead, Liam.

LIAM

What about your initiations! Surely, they must’ve revealed some secrets to you?!

SCOTT

Initiations…?

LIAM

How did you two get your rings? I had to go through a harrowing initiation that involved--

DAMIEN

(INTERRUPTING) No one cares. My initiation was I bought cigarettes and they gave me one with my change.

SCOTT

My initiation was finding it in a box of Gorilla Munch!

ZOE

Now _that’s_ a harrowing initiation. (DISGUSTED) Eating a box of _Gorilla Munch_?

SCOTT

(DISGUSTED) I never said I _ate_ it, yuck!

DAMIEN

Scott here just likes rifling through cereal boxes at the grocery to find toys. Don’t tell him, but he does it so much, they just shove random shit in the first box on the shelf, so he leaves them alone and limits the damage.

ZOE

Why don’t _you_ not tell him, he’s right behind you.

DAMIEN

Scott’s polite, he’ll just forget if you ask. (TO SCOTT) Hey Scott! Forget I said all that.

SCOTT

Ok!

BEAT.

SCOTT

My initiation was finding it in a box of Gorilla Munch!

damien

See? Anyway, my second initiation was finding one in another box of Gorilla Munch. I rifle through boxes too, by the way, Scott got me into it.

LIAM

Wait… you have _two_ rings?!

damien

Uhhh… yeah?

Damien pulls back both sides of his shirt, revealing two rings attached to both his nipples.

DAMIEN

I have _two_ nipples, dummy.

ZOE

(REALIZING) Ohhhh! You’re supposed to have _two!_

Zoe snaps her fingers again and looks down her shirt.

ZOE

Awww yeah! This is a _lot_ better! (TO OZ) You wanna see??

Oz puts his hands on both of Zoe’s shoulders and gets right up to her.

OZ

(GENUINE) Stop.

ZOE

(SADDENED) Alright…

LIAM

So, to reiterate… you two have absolutely _zero_ clues?

damien

I’d say so. Zero clues! Haha!

ZOE

(DEPRESSED) Aww…

Scott and Damien notice how sad Zoe is and feel bad.

DAMIEN

Uh… why are you guys trying to find out about this cult?

OZ

Zoe’s feels lonely since there aren’t any monsters like her around. We’re hoping to find her a friend by figuring out what this cult worships.

DAMIEN

Hmm…

Damien racks his brain.

DAMIEN

Well… I feel for you, Zoe, but I don’t have anything. I might have the hint of something, though… Polly and Miranda are in the cult too.

LIAM

(OFFENDED) Wait, they are? How many people are in this cult, I thought it was exclusive--

DAMIEN

Yeah, whatever. (TO ZOE) I’m not sure about Polly, but there’s no way Miranda doesn’t know anything. It’s _Miranda,_ the fact she’s in the cult at all means she’s probably running it. Above being kinda shady, no way a princess like her would accept being subservient to anyone.

OZ

Miranda… huh!

ZOE

What’s up, Oz? Find out anything?

OZ

I think I’ve pieced together some things. The ring’s pretty small, and it was in our club room… It doesn’t take a genius to figure out it has to be Miranda’s, right?

LIAM

Miranda… unfortunately, she’s back home for the time being. We can’t interrogate her.

OZ

We might still be able to find something out, though.

Oz looks at his watch (the gold paint of which is indeed faded due to the time it spent in Zoe’s stomach).

OZ

Hm… It’s kinda early… You guys wanna kill some time?

ZOE

Let’s get ice cream!

OZ

Zoe, I’m getting you ice cream if you promise to eat it with your _mouth_ mouth. Not your… _other_ mouths.

ZOE

Boo. Fine…

Oz, Zoe and Liam walk out of the room. Scott and Damien are alone.

BEAT.

DAMIEN

Alright, they’re gone, you can get off me, now.

Scott unhands Damien and Damien jumps to his feet. Scott puts his shirt back on.

SCOTT

Damien, why did we do that?

DAMIEN

I don’t know, dude! I thought they’d fuckin’ MENTION it at least once!

SCOTT

That was an awful prank, bro.

Damien sighs.

DAMIEN

What were we even sculpting that whole time? Neither of us know how to do pottery.

SCOTT

I was just moving my hands up and down.

The boys look at what they’ve made. It’s actually a pretty well-made Pot.

DAMIEN

Huh, would you look at that. Turns out Pottery is… fuckin’ _easy_. Suck it, uh…  
potters. What do you call people who do Pottery?

SCOTT

I think potters is right.

DAMIEN

Hey, sweet. English is easy too.

INT. MONSTROPOLIS, AETHON MALL– AFTERNOON

Amira and Vera are in the Louis Vuitton store. Amira’s trying on a winter coat.

AMIRA

What do you think? Does this look nice on me?

VERA

I…

Amira does a little twirl and smiles sheepishly at Vera. Vera smiles back.

VERA

I think it looks nice.

AMIRA

(DISSATISFIED) Hmmm…

vera

Hey! It took a lot for me to say that, you know!

AMIRA

I appreciate it, it’s just…

Amira turns back to the mirror and winces a little.

AMIRA

Something about me… in a coat--

Amira checks the tag on the coat she’s wearing.

AMIRA

 _\--This_ expensive, just makes me… I don’t know.

VERA

Uncomfortable?

AMIRA

More like… I feel like an imposter.

VERA

That’s--

AMIRA

Not to say I don’t appreciate this! Of course, I love it, It’s just… I’m afraid I’m not worth all your trouble after all.

VERA

Amira…

Vera walks up and hugs Amira from behind. Amira’s expression softens.

VERA

Hmm… you’re not blushing as much as usual.

AMIRA

I’m getting used to it.

VERA

You’ll get used to this, too.

AMIRA

Will I…?

VERA

It took a while for _me_ to get used to it too. I wasn’t always, y’know…

AMIRA

Rich?

VERA

I was going to say “ _Obscenely_ rich”. Thanks for toning it down for me.

AMIRA

Maybe _that’s_ why you keep me around.

VERA

I keep you around for a lot more than that.

AMIRA

Like what?

VERA

So I can give you stuff.

AMIRA

(LAUGHING) Is that why I’m here?

VERA

What can I say? Buying things for you is so much fun. You always _freak_ out.

AMIRA

How could I not? You know where I’m from. They wouldn’t even let me _in_ this store if I wasn’t with you.

VERA

And now here you are. Proud owner of… everything in this store.

Amira moves away from Vera and stumbles backwards, holding her chest. Her heart rate immediately jumped by 30, in fright and astonishment.

VERA

(LAUGHING) Oh my god, I’m _kidding!_

AMIRA

(LAUGHING) D-Don’t fuckin’ kid like that! I almost had a heart attack!

VERA

I wouldn’t buy _everything_ in here…

AMIRA

Right, that shit would just be--

VERA

Burdensome. You don’t _want_ everything in here, why would I just give you _everything?_ No, let’s just find everything you _like_ and get that.

AMIRA

… Vera. Vera, I was going to say “Ridiculous”. “Ridiculously expensive”, to be fuckin’ specific.

VERA

Amira… You know you shouldn’t say that. You _know_ I’ll just take it as a challenge.

AMIRA

Vera, I swear to god--

VERA

Now, how many coats do you want? 5? 6?

BEAT.

VERA

12, got it.

AMIRA

Vera, I SWEAR TO GOD--!

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, ART CLUB ROOM – LATER

Oz, Zoe and Liam are back in the clubroom to continue the search. Oz sifts through the shelves looking for something while Zoe finishes her ice cream. She eats the cone in one bite.

ZOE

Phew… so, Oz. What’s the goal now? What are we back here for?

OZ

Looking for something, just give me…

Oz’ eyes light up.

OZ

A second!

Oz finds what he’s looking for and places it on a table in front of all three of them.

ZOE

So, uh… I’m guessing this belongs to Miranda?

It’s a book. It’s bound by a lock.

It’s made of solid diamond.

LIAM

Awful taste, as per Miranda’s usual.

ZOE

What is this book?

OZ

Miranda’s diary.

BEAT.

Zoe turns to Oz slowly.

OZ

If Miranda knows anything about this cult, she’s likely to have a clue about it in her diary, right?

ZOE

… Oz. Surely you don’t want us to read Miranda’s private diary. Surely you wouldn’t do something like that.

OZ

Private? Hardly, Miranda _wants_ us to read it.

ZOE

Wait, what?

Oz undoes the lock and opens the book.

ZOE

W-Wait!

He flips to the first page. Zoe shields her eyes.

ZOE

AAAH! I’m sorry Miri, I’ll respect your privacy!

OZ

(READING) “To anyone reading this diary who _isn’t_ me, please don’t be ashamed and continue reading.”

Zoe unshields her eyes.

OZ

(READING) “Let these pages be the foundation of your envy toward me and my lineage. I wish for nothing more than your jealousy!”

ZOE

H-Huh. Miranda sure is… different.

OZ

See? She totally doesn’t mind if we read this thing.

ZOE

But… wait, if you have to break the lock and open the book to find out she doesn’t mind you reading it, then how did… how did you figure that out in the first place?

BEAT.

Oz flips over a page.

OZ

… That’s not important.

ZOE

Oz. What have you been doing in here?

OZ

That’s not important, Zoe, stop asking questions.

LIAM

Indeed, Zoe. There are secrets to be uncovered!

Liam and Oz skim through the diary to find mentions of the cult. Zoe steps away.

ZOE

I-I think I should tell Miranda you guys did this…

VICKY

(O.S.) Did what?

Zoe jumps in surprise and shields her eyes.

ZOE

EEP! I’M NOT READING MIRANDA’S DIARY, I SWEAR!

Vicky stands in the doorway. Oz and Liam turn around.

VICKY

Uh…?

OZ

Oh, Vicky. What brings you here?

VICKY

What do you think?

Vicky puts up a filled-out form.

VICKY

I’m here to join your club! About time, right? I have a “join every club” commitment to the school, obviously yours is part of that too!

OZ

R-Really? Thank you!

VICKY

So…

Vicky walks into the room and looks around.

VICKY

What are you guys up to?

OZ

Reading Miranda’s Diary.

VICKY

Oh, cool! Did Miranda write anything new?

ZOE

Um… You read it too, Vicky?

VICKY

Everybody reads it, Zoe, why wouldn’t we? She _lets_ people read it.

ZOE

But how do people figure that out if you have to _break in_ to read that part?!

VICKY

… That’s not important, Zoe.

ZOE

It’s official. This is beyond my understanding, even as a God.

BEAT.

ZOE

Which means it’s time to play along! Hand me that Diary baby, I’m gonna invade Miranda’s privacy!

OZ

Heck yeah!

Zoe runs over to Miranda’s Diary and starts reading it with Liam. Oz steps back to give her space. Vicky taps him on the shoulder.

OZ

H-Hm? What’s up?

VICKY

I just wanted to let you know that I didn’t just join your club because of my commitment… I wanna hang out with you more.

OZ

O-Oh! Uh… (NERVOUS) m-me too, I guess…

VICKY

W-Well you don’t _gotta_ if you don’t want to--

OZ

N-No! No, I want to!

VICKY

Haha, great!

Vicky gives Oz a carefree smile.

vicky

You should come spend time with me and my friends! We hang out during lunch, come eat with us!

OZ

W-Well… o-okay. Wh-When I, um… have time.

VICKY

Whenever you want, alright?

Oz, still shy and embarrassed, manages to smile a little.

ZOE

(O.S.) Woah…

OZ

Hm? Did you find something, Zoe?

Oz and Vicky head over to Zoe.

ZOE

Heck yeah I found something, I found OUT why you guys love reading this thing! Miranda’s diary is _dope!_

oz

W-Wow, you sure turned around on that…

ZOE

I’m at a really juicy part where Miri spends a week going on consecutive marriage interviews.

VICKY

Oh yeah, the marriage interview arc!

ZOE

Still weirded out Miranda’s inner world is such public knowledge, but that’s outweighed by how compelling this drama is. (READING) “Dear Diary, I had another marriage interview today, this time with a prince of the toad kingdom. What a repulsive creature! There’s no way I could _ever_ marry a being more wart than man!”

oz

Harsh…

ZOE

The rest of the page is just harsh, unflattering descriptions of how ugly this guy is so let’s skip that out of consideration for him.

Zoe flips the page.

ZOE

(READING) “Dear Diary, another marriage interview… I left after only exchanging a few pleasantries. I love Father and Mother, but they’re simply awful at selecting suitable marriage partners! I think it’s time I gave them a piece of my mind.”

vicky

This does make me feel really bad for Miranda though…

ZOE

Her life sure is tough… (READING) “Dear Diary, I don’t understand. Father and Mother found a marriage partner who checked every single item on the list of must-have characteristics I gave them the other day… And yet, I feel nothing for him. Father and Mother are as confused as I… what _exactly_ am I looking for?” Ooh mysterious!

VICKY

That’s the last page she’s written up to now.

ZOE

It’s dated yesterday, so that makes sense… wait why’s her diary _here_ in the clubroom instead of like… at her _house?_

VICKY

So we can read it, obviously.

ZOE

So Miranda’s actively encouraging that you guys read her--… so this is basically just a blog at this point. This is just a pen-and-paper blog!

VICKY

Yeah, pretty much.

Zoe sighs and flips through the remaining pages of the diary. Indeed, they’re blank.

ZOE

The monster world sure is…

… or are they?

ZOE

(TRAILING OFF) Complicated… hold on.

Zoe stops at a seemingly random, blank page.

ZOE

H-Holy… uh, exclamation! How did you guys miss _this?!_

LIAM

Miss… what? This empty page?

ZOE

Empty--?! What are you talking about, are you _seeing_ this?!

VICKY

N-No, it’s… blank…

Zoe glances at Oz.

OZ

(NERVOUS) Y-Yep… uh, can’t see anything…

VICKY

Zoe is something written on this page? (EXCITED) Is this invisible ink?!

LIAM

Don’t tell me it’s something as trite and overdone as invisible ink…

ZOE

Close, it’s more like she thought about something related to the cult while looking at this empty page so I can… read her thoughts through that.

BEAT.

VICKY

How the hell were we supposed to--… How is that even _close_ to invisible ink?!

ZOE

Trust me, when you can read people’s thoughts this is fairly analogous to invisible ink. This is like, _psychic_ invisible ink. Now stand back as I use psychic UV light to make this psychic secret message palatable for un-psychic consumption. BAM!

The eye on Zoe’s forehead blinks. A burst of energy emanates from it as words etch themselves on the empty page before the group. A moment later, Miranda’s inner thoughts have been translated.

VICKY

Woah…

ZOE

Heheh… I’m _such_ a cheat code, can you _believe_ how useful I am? Now… let us read.

Zoe clears her throat.

ZOE

(READING) “I followed her advice and put the ring up to the sun. How I wish I hadn’t. To think I was at her mercy for so long… I must escape as soon as possible. I pray for a swift return from my royal duties, so I can tell everyone the truth about this revolting thing we’ve all been ensnared in. This horrifying cult should have never seen the light of day.” W-Woah. Spicy stuff…

LIAM

We have to put the ring up to the sun… hm, no wonder this puzzle seemed so unsolvable… I wager they designed it _specifically_ so I couldn’t solve it.

Liam laughs and pushes up his glasses dramatically.

LIAM

I suppose my intellect was just _that_ frightening to them.

ZOE

… He really did the anime smart guy move where you push up your glasses like that’s a thing normal people do.

VICKY

That’s just how he is.

ZOE

I’m jealous.

Zoe her hand up to the sun. It glimmers and lights up. Like magic, a name appears on the side, burned in by sunlight. Zoe turns the ring around so she and the other can read it…

Their shock and awe is immeasurable.

ACT THREE

INT. MONSTROPOLIS, BAYSIDE – SUNSET

Oz, Liam and Zoe stand on the other side of the street before Monstropolis’ Pier. Oz and Liam look at each other nervously before turning to Zoe, who’s incredibly excited.

ZOE

Come on guys, what are we waiting for?! She’s right over there!

OZ

Um, Zoe… are you sure about this?

ZOE

Well yeah, obviously. Why wouldn’t I be? We’ve been looking for the cult’s God and--

Zoe puts up her ring again.

ZOE

This thing says “Vera”! So I’m gonna go talk to her!

OZ

But it _can’t_ be her… Vera’s a lot of things, but a God? No way.

ZOE

Maybe she’s just the leader? She’s gotta know something!

LIAM

Umm…

ZOE

Guys why are you being so weird right now?! This is our best shot! We’re finally gonna figure out who this god is! I’ll have a friend; I’ll have a family!

OZ

But--

ZOE

No buts. If I have to go by myself, I will!

Zoe stomps off. On the other side of the street, on the pier, we see the shadows of two women.

EXT. MONSTROPOLIS, BAYSIDE PIER – CONTINUOUS

On the other side of the street, on the pier, Amira and Vera look out at the bay.

AMIRA

This might make you happy…

Amira turns to Vera a little.

AMIRA

Today was the best day of my life.

VERA

Really…?

AMIRA

Well, shit! It didn’t have fuckin’ competition!

Vera laughs.

AMIRA

Nah, my life was… _garbage_. Garbage, before I met you.

VERA

Wow, Amira… I don’t know what to say.

AMIRA

(DEADPAN) Yeah, you do. Fuckin’ say it.

VERA

(SMIRKING) Alright, I’ll say it: can’t relate!

AMIRA

(LAUGHING) You’re such a piece of shit you know that?!

vera

Yep.

AMIRA

You’re different these days, though.

VERA

How so?

AMIRA

You’re… nicer. Like, _way_ nicer.

VERA

Strange… some would say the exact opposite.

AMIRA

Then… what? Am I special?

VERA

… if I answer, will you promise not to laugh?

AMIRA

(HOLDING BACK LAUGHTER) No promises.

Vera rolls her eyes.

VERA

(EMBARASSED) You are. You are, _absolutely_ you are. Maybe it’s because we’ve become so involved, and I trust you with so much, but… for some reason, I feel like I can be myself when I’m around you. Like I don’t have to try to assert anything. I can just… be me.

Vera looks away sheepishly.

AMIRA

Vera…

Amira takes Vera’s hand and comes closer.

AMIRA

Why would I laugh at that? I feel the exact same way.

Vera looks deep in Amira’s eyes. Amira reciprocates. They approach one another--

Until Amira stops it.

VERA

What’s wrong…?

AMIRA

Vera, you know I want this too, it’s just…

VERA

Just…?

Amira chuckles.

AMIRA

… We’re gonna get fuckin’ interrupted for SURE.

VERA

Ugh…

Vera starts laughing too.

amira

Nah, nah, nah, but like, why is it every single time we try, some shit pops up?

VERA

Must be God trying to get even with me.

AMIRA

That’s some bullshit then, ‘cause I ain’t even do nothin’ to him so I don’t know why he’s punishing _me_ too.

VERA

Amira, you don’t have to be scared. We’re not going to get interrupted.

Vera tries to--

AMIRA

Vera, I have like… hold on.

Amira goes on her phone real quick.

AMIRA

I have $997.86 in my account. I am betting you $997.86 that the second your lips get _here_ , some bitch boutta crawl out the damn woodwork yellin’ “Vera!”

VERA

Fine! Fine. Let’s round it up to a thousand.

Amira and Vera try to kiss once again.

AMIRA

Don’t say I didn’t warn you…

VERA

Same to you…

ZOE

(O.S.) Vera!

Vera stops. Breathes in. And turns to beside her and Amira where she finds Zoe.

BEAT.

VERA

(TO AMIRA) Can I write you a cheque?

AMIRA

Nah. Cash only, it’ll embarrass you more.

vera

(TO AMIRA) Ugh… (TO ZOE) What the FUCK DO YOU WANT?!

ZOE

Hi! My Name’s Zoe!

BEAT.

VERA

Please. Please tell me you’re here for more than just that.

ZOE

I joined this cult recently:

Zoe shows Vera her cult ring.

ZOE

I think you’re involved in it! Could you please tell me what these people worship?

Vera stares straight through Zoe. She gets up, walks over to her and motions for Zoe to give her the ring. Zoe complies.

VERA

Hm. Interesting.

Vera whips around to throw it in water.

ZOE

Wait!

However, as she’s mid-throw, Amira grabs her arm and prevents her from doing so.

AMIRA

Vera… what does this help, exactly?

VERA

I’m pissed.

AMIRA

I know, but _I’m_ not. This girl looks serious, so let me take care of this, alright? Moment’s already gone anyway.

Vera sighs and bites her nail.

VERA

(MUTTERING) Make it quick. We have a dinner reservation to get to.

AMIRA

Ooh, really? Where?

VERA

(SOFTENING) … Surprise.

AMIRA

I’m lookin’ forward to it.

Vera smiles a little and gives Amira the ring before walking off, calling a car on her phone.

AMIRA

Ok! So… What do you need, little girl?

ZOE

My name’s Zoe, and I’m not little.

AMIRA

Ah, sure you are. (LOOKING AT RING) You said you were looking for some cult thing, right?

ZOE

I wanna find this cult’s God!

AMIRA

Right, right…

Amira inspects the ring.

AMIRA

Hmm… Oh! I know this! (CONFUSED) Wait, why are you looking when it’s obvious? Have you read what this says?

ZOE

I have… it says “Vera”. She’s the leader, right? Tell her to tell me which God--

AMIRA

Nah, like… what it says in _full._

ZOE

What do you mean _in full_?

AMIRA

This thing reacts to heat.

ZOE

I shone sunlight on it, stop deflecting!

AMIRA

Sunlight’s not hot enough, girl. Luckily for you…

Amira clutches the ring in her fist…

AMIRA

 _I_ am.

… Before pummelling it with extreme heat using her fire powers. Zoe steps back. After a beat of Amira immolating the ring, she stops.

Amira opens her hand. The blazing hot ring cools down and on it, the _full_ message is revealed.

AMIRA

There we go.

Zoe takes the ring and reads it. She seems only more confused.

zoe

(READING) … “For _Vera_ , the love of my life”?

AMIRA

A few weeks ago Vera had me round as many of these things as I could. She said they were embarrassing and trust me… they are.

ZOE

Wh-… what does that mean?

AMIRA

Y’see, this cult thing was started a few years ago by some dude in our school with the _biggest_ Vera boner imaginable. Like… _sheesh,_ that man wanted some _badly._ Vera rejected him, obviously, but he was so damn thirsty he started a whole cult devoted to worshipping her. It’s basically a fan club, but like _way_ weirder. The dude ended up dying for reasons I’m not at liability to say, so the cult sort of morphed from Vera worship into… fuckin’, I don’t even know. _They_ don’t even know what they’re worshipping at this point, I don’t think, it’s just like, a cool ring club now. This ring is special though, it’s one of the original ones. Nowadays, Vera sells custom ones you can order from her online store, but the new ones don’t have the message on ‘em like this one does. So basically, you’re lucky you found this! Thanks to that, you got all your questions answered! Hurray!

Amira pauses to look down at Zoe.

AMIRA

H-Haha… uh, why are you crying?

Zoe’s holding back tears.

ZOE

(SOBBING) S-… so… there’s no… God?

AMIRA

L-Listen, I don’t know much about philosophy…

ZOE

(CRYING) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH--!

Amira steps back, anxious.

Oz and Liam run toward her and try to comfort her.

LIAM

Zoe!

OZ

(TO AMIRA) What did you tell her?!

AMIRA

I--!

ZOE

(CRYING) Sh-she told me… there’s no God!

OZ

You told her _what_?!

AMIRA

(NERVOUS) I-I didn’t say that! She just asked me about this ring and I answered, why is she bawling?!

Zoe keeps crying. Oz and Liam lead Zoe away. Oz looks back at Amira with contempt in his eyes.

OZ

Shame on you.

AMIRA

Huh?! On _me?!_

OZ

You could’ve been nicer.

AMIRA

I was! This chick’s the one goin’ “Wah! Wah!” outta nowhere!

ZOE

(CRYING) WAAAAAAHH-!

AMIRA

I’M _SORRY,_ ALRIGHT?! GEEZ!

OZ

I don’t know who you are… but you are incredibly rude.

AMIRA

(PISSED) Boy, if you don’t shut your mouthless ass up before I smack the shit outta you… Don’t fuckin’ talk to me like that, okay?

OZ

Case in point. (TO ZOE) Come on, Zoe, let’s go.

Oz and company leave.

AMIRA

Yeah, fuck off! Shoo! You and your little buddies!

Amira, alone, clicks her tongue.

AMIRA

“You are incredibly rude.” The hell’s wrong with him? Talkin’ to me like that…

BEAT.

Her anger dissipates. She’s left with a twinge of regret.

AMIRA

… Am I mean? _Was_ I mean? Man…

Amira sighs.

AMIRA

Whatever.

Amira leaves to go join Vera.

BEAT.

Amira comes back to the bench.

AMIRA

Whoops, forgot my jacket.

FADE OUT:

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Wanted to take a moment to post about how this fanfic now has a [TV Tropes Page!](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Fanfic/MonsterPromSeniorYear) Thank [an_undead_gamer_45](https://archiveofourown.org/users/an_undead_gamer_45/pseuds/an_undead_gamer_45) for this, really appreciate his work on it. Check it out, it's great fun.


	17. Zoe Explains in Excruciating Detail Why Season 3 Is the Best Season of American Horror Story

FADE IN:

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CLUBROOM – MORNING

zoe

(CRYING)--And _that’s_ why Season 3 is the _best_ season of American Horror Story!

Zoe sniffles and sits back down.

Cut to Oz and Liam sitting in front of her, who’d be just a tad more bewildered if they didn’t look so worn out.

OZ

That was… _excruciating_ detail.

LIAM

Excuse me-- of _what_ horror story?

ZOE

American Horror Story, it’s famous.

LIAM

Wh… What does “American” mean?

BEAT.

ZOE

Oh, right. You guys don’t have that in this dimension. Nevermind, forget everything I said. Anyway!

Zoe chucks her cult ring on the table.

ZOE

This cult business was a total bust! What a complete waste of time, AND it made me sad! Worst day ever!

OZ

I’m so sorry Zoe, I didn’t know it’d end up like that…

LIAM

Even I couldn’t have foreseen the cult was just worshipping Vera the whole time… Now that I think about it, I suppose that’s why Vera started cackling and calling me an idiot when I showed her my ring.

OZ

Why didn’t you say that before? That’s _critical_ information! Why did you _think_ she was laughing?!

LIAM

Well sorry, _I_ thought she was just jealous!

OZ

… Of you?

liam

Yes!

OZ

… (WINCING) Really?

LIAM

YES! You know, I’m actually incredibly cool! I have a _legitimate_ Fanclub! Why do I get disrespected so often these days?!

OZ

… (WINCING HARDER) _Really…?_

LIAM

I don’t have anything to prove to you!

ZOE

(MUTTERING) “But secretly he _did_ …”

The boys turn back to Zoe, who’s fervently drawing something while eyeing the boys with lecherous eyes.

ZOE

(MUTTERING) “Liam batted his eyelashes at Oz, a single tear rolling on his cheek. ‘I can’t be honest with how I feel…’ The truth is, he wanted him, more than anyone, to appreciate him…”

OZ

Zoe, we’re right here.

LIAM

Yes, Zoe, this is very unbecoming.

ZOE

(MUTTERING) “They agreed, finally their love could blossom…”

Oz gets up and runs over to Zoe to put a hand on her shoulder and say:

OZ

(GENUINE) Stop.

ZOE

No! You guys totally owe me, I DEMAND compensation!

LIAM

Oh, do we now?

ZOE

Yes!

LIAM

And what is it that you want, exactly?!

ZOE

Liam, why do you think I spent an hour explaining why season 3 of American Horror Story - aka _the coven_ season - was the best one?

OZ

For fun?

LIAM

Honestly, I highly doubt you _had_ a reason.

ZOE

Well bad news for you two, because I did! If you guys want to make it up to me, make it so I can join… Pause for emphasis… The Coven!

BEAT.

OZ

The… what? 

TITLE: “ZOE EXPLAINS IN EXCRUTIATING DETAIL WHY SEASON 3 IS THE BEST SEASON OF AMERICAN HORROR STORY”

zoe

(V.O.) Geez, what a title. Mouthful, much? Also, I already did that in like, the first five seconds. Change it to something more relevant.

TITLE: “ZOE JOINS THE COVEN”

ZOE

(V.O.) That’s _so_ boring… Spice it up a _little,_ at least.

TITLE: “ZOE COMPLAINS ABOUT THE TITLE LIKE A BRAT INSTEAD OF LETTING THE EPISODE HAPPEN”

ZOE

(V.O.) Ugh, fine.

THEME SONG

ACT ONE

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CAFETERIA – NOON

Zoe eats her lunch – some sanity cubes - opposite Oz and Liam.

ZOE

Anyway, back to what we were talking about before the theme song happened.

LIAM

The…?

OZ

Don’t ask.

zoe

Oz, how do you _not_ know what the Coven is?

OZ

I just _don’t…_ am I supposed to?

LIAM

They’re a group of witches in our class--… Well I suppose you’re _not_ in our class, are you, Oz?

ZOE

Yeah, that’s lame, Oz. Join our class already, you’re a main character.

OZ

But I _like_ my class! Ms. The Loch-Ness Monster shows us pictures of her kids every day for homeroom, they’re really cute! Also, thanks for calling me a main character, Zoe.

zoe

Well yeah, you are. It’s unfortunate, but that’s the world we live in.

OZ

… I’m taking back my thanks.

LIAM

Zoe, why do you want to join the Coven? They’re the lamest students at this school!

zoe

I know that’s not _you_ talking, Liam “I have a manbun in the current year” de Lioncourt.

LIAM

I’M COOL! I SWEAR I’M COOL!

ZOE

(UNIMPRESSED) Exactly what someone cool would say. (SERIOUS) You guys overlook the Coven _way_ too much, if real life had main characters it’d be them!

OZ

But I thought _I_ was--

ZOE

Circumstances have propelled you into the starring role the Coven rightfully deserves Oz, I’m sorry but it’s the truth.

OZ

Aw man…

ZOE

Don’t feel bad, the Coven is just _that_ cool. They literally save the world! They’re _heroes_! As someone who used to _end_ worlds, that’s super cool to me! You know how hard it is to end the world?? Saving it’s gotta be like, a trillion times harder!

liam

… Oz, do you have any clue what she’s talking about?

LIAM

I’m sorry Liam but quite frankly, I never do. I think the reason we get along so well is because I’m just better than most at not asking questions.

LIAM

Hm. (TO COVEN) What about you two, do _you_ have any idea what she’s on about?

Joy and Faith – the Coven minus Hope - have been sitting here the whole time. Joy eats some of her salad for a beat.

JOY

… I’m just trying to finish my salad, Liam. You three sat here, and I _still_ don’t know why.

ZOE

W-Wait don’t speak yet! I need to make a good first impression, and my heart isn’t ready…!

FAITH

Zoe, haven’t we met already…?

JOY

Actually yeah, don’t we all know each other? We had a whole thing a month ago.

OZ

… (REALIZING) Oh! Oh yeah, you two! I remember, you guys tried to kill Lil’ Bu--Uh, Zoe!

FAITH

Took you long enough…

JOY

Exactly, we did. So like… why is tentacles over here so keen on joining us?

ZOE

I’ll admit at first I was scared of you guys because I thought you’d throw me in a volcano. But then, as I started consuming more media, I realized how cool you guys actually are! Saving the world is awesome, and I wanna do it! Let me join!

FAITH

Joy…? This might be good timing…

JOY

Yeah. In case you haven’t noticed, our short, spunky number 3 isn’t here right now.

faith

Hope’s busy today. We don’t mind, of course--

JOY

It’s just it had to be today of all days that a big bad from our past was fated to return…

ZOE

(EXCITED) SQUEEE! A big bad’s coming back? Is it Chimeal the reverse Centaur from season 3?? Ooh, or the literal, actual devil Satan Himself from season 5??

Faith and Joy stare at Zoe, mouth agape.

ZOE

What?

FAITH

Sorry, we’ve just been maligned for so long, we’re not used to having _fans…_

JOY

Yeah, what a change of pace. I can’t believe we tried to _kill_ you… (TO FAITH) Don’t let me make any more decisions from now on, alright?

FAITH

You already don’t, I’ve always been the smart one.

JOY

Oh yeah? What does that make me?

FAITH

The one who fucks everybody she shouldn’t.

Joy chokes on her salad.

JOY

(OUTRAGED) F-FAITH! I thought you weren’t going to bring that up again!

FAITH

I’ll bring it up every time both you and Liam are in my field of view. (TO ZOE) Here’s your first Coven Lesson: Joy and Liam used to fu--

JOY

SHHHHHH! Don’t tell her that!

ZOE

Wait… does that mean I’m--??

FAITH

Indeed. You’re in the Coven now. Hurray.

ZOE

HURRAY!!

Zoe gets up and does a little dance.

JOY

She really just… Aw man, she’s so happy. What the hell was wrong with us?

FAITH

I wish I could’ve shown this to past me… This is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.

OZ

(TO LIAM) Wait, does Zoe forgive us now? We didn’t like… do anything.

Zoe just keeps dancing. Oz and Liam shrug to each other.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CLASSROOM – MEANWHILE

Miranda enters a seemingly empty classroom, but as she does she notices Hope sitting at one of the desks, looking peevish as usual.

MIRANDA

Um…

PGS

(O.S.) Ah! Miranda.

Miranda turns to the Principal, in front of the blackboard.

PGS

Wonderful of you to come.

MIRANDA

Well, sir, you said this was related to the talent show happening tonight… I figured I _had_ to come.

PGS

I’m just saying I’m glad you came of your own volition.

The principal points to Hope.

PGS

It took a while to wrangle _that_ one.

HOPE

Sue me! _I_ was trying to practice!

MIRANDA

Greetings, short classmate!

HOPE

I’m not short and my name’s Hope…

MIRANDA

You’re in the talent show too? What a coincidence, so am I!

HOPE

(IRRITATED) Yeah? I am.

Hope points to someone sitting in the back of the class.

HOPE

Miss morgue back there is in it too.

Miranda turns to that someone, Vicky. She sits in a fetal position. Her nervousness is plain to see.

HOPE

Lucky for us she can barely _speak_ she’s so nervous. Ha! So much for competition.

MIRANDA

I suppose it’s fortuitous… (MUTTERING) If a little disappointing… (TO PRINCIPAL) Mister principal, why have you called us all here? You must realize these hours before the contest are critical for us contestants. 

PGS

Right, well… You’ll never believe this, but did you know I actually have a complaint box?

The principal heaves a hefty box on the podium in front of him. It’s full to bursting with letters.

PGS

Apparently, I put this up during my first year as principal (MUTTERING) - 33 years ago - (NORMAL) but I just _today_ remembered I even had this thing. Silly, right?

hope

How do you _forget_ something like that? Aren’t you the principal?

PGS

I put it close to the floor so every student could access it, but in doing so I accidentally put it in my blind spot when I leave and enter my office. Whoops! Anyway, I was reading a few of these letters and would you believe it, a lot of these complaints about the talent show say they’re sick of having so many singing acts! Which I get, you know, whenever there’s a talent show in a high school, 9 out 10 of the people are singing and the 10th one is doing a rap.

MIRANDA

Principal… what are you driving at…?

PGS

Basically. I’m going to reduce the number of singing acts from three to… one.

MIRANDA & HOPE

(SIMULTANEOUS) WHAT?!

HOPE

You can’t do that! We put our names in like, weeks ago! Right, Miranda?!

Miranda’s counting to three on her fingers and looking confused.

HOPE

Uh, Miranda?

MIRANDA

Sir, you said “three” singing acts, but… Me and Vicky make two. Where’s the third one?

HOPE

Are you slow? It’s me, _obviously._ I’m gonna be singing.

Miranda bursts out laughing.

BEAT.

MIRANDA

(DISTRESSED) Oh no, you’re _serious?!_

HOPE

Of course I’m serious! What, you think I can’t sing?!

MIRANDA

I think your shrill voice, lack of grace and general brutish demeanor are enough evidence to warrant me _knowing_ you can’t sing.

HOPE

What was that?!

Hope jumps to her feet and knocks her chair aside.

MIRANDA

Exactly: that awful clanging of metal your chair just did. That’s precisely what I’m imagining your voice sounds like.

HOPE

Oh yeah?!

Hope walks over to the chalkboard.

HOPE

Well _This_ is what _your_ voice sounds like!

Hope drags her nails on the chalkboard… the sound of an effervescent, peaceful violin bellows out.

HOPE

WH—WHAT?!

MIRANDA

Aw! Thank you, Hope! Accurate.

principal

Sorry to say, but our blackboards are coated with calm-ium now. I made it happen because of another letter I read: apparently that squeaky nails on a chalkboard sound hurts our big-eared students. Aren’t I a good principal?

HOPE

What the fuck is calm-ium?!

Hope drags her nails on the chalkboard again. This time ambient forest sounds ring out.

She does it again. Lofi Hip Hop beats.

HOPE

UGH!!

MIRANDA

So, we’ve found who’s going to represent the singers for the talent show, right? Or would you like to pathetically whine a little more, Hope? You know, since you’re here, and everything.

HOPE

I’m telling you right now: There’s _no_ way I’m letting _anyone_ but me sing at this talent show! I’m gonna do it, you hear me?!

MIRANDA

Hope, I’m a monarch.

HOPE

So?

MIRANDA

So… I just get whatever I want?

HOPE

Since when?!

MIRANDA

Since… since forever? It’s quite literally my birthright.

HOPE

I don’t _care_ about your birthright!

MIRANDA

Excuse me?!

PRINCIPAL

Um, not to pressure you gals but… I can’t sign off on this unless all three of you can agree on one act to let through.

HOPE

Well I’m sorry, sir, but there’s no way I’m letting anyone but me do it!

MIRANDA

Likewise!

Hope and Miranda finally remember… They have a tiebreaker.

The girls turn to Vicky, who’s been totally silent the whole time. She drags her nail against the chalkboard on the side wall. A calming voice whispers out.

VICKY

(MUTTERING) Can I put this stuff on my whole house…? Or like, on my shirt so I can scratch myself and calm down… H-hehehe…

ACT TWO

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, LOCKERS – AFTERNOON

Joy and Faith peer around a corner at Polly and Vera, who stand in front of their respective lockers. Polly puts some books from her bag in hers.

Zoe waits behind the witches, exhilarated.

ZOE

(EXCITED) What are we doing, girls? Are we sneaking?

JOY

Yeah, you could say that…

Joy turns around to face Zoe.

JOY

Listen, Zoe.

ZOE

Oooh, am I gonna get some exposition?? Good thing Miranda’s back from Fish-Kingdom, huh?

JOY

The big bad who’s coming back today… is Dmitri.

ZOE

(GASPING) Dmitri?! From season 7?! No WAY!

JOY

Oh, uh… you know Dmitri?

ZOE

Of course, I know him! He’s an evil, sinister vampire who won’t rest until he’s turned all three of you to the dark side!

joy

… y-yes.

FAITH

She knows us well it seems…

JOY

We got these in the mail this morning:

Joy pulls a small, red flower – a poppy – and an envelope from her pocket.

JOY

Clearly a challenge.

Joy hands the flower and the letter to Zoe. Zoe looks the flower over and opens the letter.

ZOE

(READING) “I’m coming to whisk you away, my darling. The dark side will give you the peace you seek. Signed… (OMINOUS) _Dmitri._ ” Woah…

JOY

He’s coming for me, I know it…

ZOE

Huh? You think?

JOY

Look, it says “darling”. Who else would he want to whisk away?

ZOE

Uhhh…

JOY

We had all that sexual tension last season… damnit, I knew I should’ve rejected his advances! Now he thinks I belong to him, and his… incredible physique, and piercing, sensuous glare… and perfectly tousled coiffe… DAMNIT!

Joy slams her fist against the wall in angst.

JOY

Even _if_ he’s the sexiest man I’ve ever known… I will _never_ surrender to the dark side.

ZOE

Sure sounds like it…

joy

As much as we all loathe to, when Dmitri comes for me, we’ll need to defeat him.

ZOE

Right, obviously. He’s a bad guy.

JOY

(MUTTERING, DREAMY) Oh, he’s _terrible…_

FAITH

Keep it in your pants, Joy.

JOY

If we want to defeat him, we need his weakness: Ange--

ZOE

(INTERRUPTING) Angel’s blood!

JOY

… Yes. Angel’s blood.

FAITH

Which brings us to why we’re creeping on Polly and Vera.

Polly shiftily pulls an ornate bottle of crimson liquid from her bag and puts it in her locker.

FAITH

Bingo. She’s got it.

JOY

Guess we ought to thank Frances again for that tip…

ZOE

Frances…?

JOY

Someone who’s been giving us hints recently.

Joy gives Zoe a crumpled piece of college lined paper.

ZOE

“I think Dmitri’s going to come back soon. Polly has Angel’s Blood in case you need it. -Frances.”

JOY

We don’t know who they are but knowing how these things usually shake out we’ll probably figure it out by next season.

FAITH

For now, we need to extract that Angel’s blood from Polly…

JOY

Why do you think she has it, anyway?

FAITH

She probably found a way to get high off it.

JOY

Figures… If that’s true, we’re toast trying to get it from her. Are we going to have to steal it?

ZOE

Steal?! No way! You’re good guys, don’t do that!

JOY

R-right! I wouldn’t do something like that… (MUTTERING) Unless I was on the dark side…?

ZOE

Let me take care of it. Me and Polly are friends! I’m sure she’d let me borrow it if I ask.

FAITH

If you think you can wrestle it out of her hands then… be our guest.

Zoe confidently walks over to Polly.

JOY

(WHISPERING) Good going, Faith. Now we’ll have the perfect cover to steal it.

FAITH

… Joy, you’re not on the dark side.

JOY

I know, but I’d be great at it if I was, low-key.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, LOCKERS, NEAR POLLY – CONTINUOUS

ZOE

Hey, Polly! (UNENTHUSED) Hello, Vera.

Polly whips around but relaxes once she sees its Zoe. Vera doesn’t turn around. Or move, at all.

POLLY

Oh! Hey Zoe. (REALIZING, POINTING AT VERA) Wait, did you just say hello to this thing?

ZOE

“Thing”?

POLLY

This is just my Vera cardboard cut-out.

Polly grabs “Vera” and wobbles it around. It’s indeed a cut-out.

POLLY

Apparently, I bought it when I got _really_ drunk at that one party. You remember?

ZOE

I don’t.

POLLY

Right, no one did.

ZOE

So Vera’s not in this episode after all… (MUTTERING) Thank the lord she’s not getting _even more_ screen time…

POLLY

What was that? Ah whatever -- Hey, uh, Zoe. You wouldn’t happen to know how to uncork this thing, would you?

Polly points to her bottle of Angel’s blood.

POLLY

I’m trying to crank up this Monday afternoon. You know, if you drink enough of this, you get a _soul_ high. Remember when you told us about souls? Finally, I can make use of that information.

ZOE

Ignoring how you know what day it is for the first time since I’ve met you, Can I have your Angel’s blood, please?

POLLY

You want it…?

ZOE

Yeah, I need it. Give, please. Gib me.

POLLY

Hmmm…

Polly thinks to herself.

POLLY

Alright… but you’ve gotta give me something that’ll make me feel as good as this. I need a substitute soul high, babe.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, OZ’ CLUBROOM – A LITTLE LATER

Zoe and Polly find themselves in Oz’ clubroom. Polly crouches down and beams.

POLLY

(OVERJOYED) MAGNUS!

Polly’s cat Magnus trots over to her. Polly hugs the cat tightly as she gets up.

POLLY

Where on earth was he?

ZOE

We found him in the bathroom. Liam had him.

POLLY

Liam did…? Oh, did he try doing the villain chair turn again?

ZOE

Yeah.

POLLY

Figures… was it cool when he did it?

ZOE

Nope.

POLLY

(SMIRKING) Wasn’t cool when he did it the last 15 times either.

ZOE

Haha!

Polly strokes her cat lovingly.

OZ

(O.S.) Polly?

Oz walks in the room.

OZ

(EXCITED) Polly!

pOLLY

Oz! Check it out, Zoe found Magnus!

OZ

That’s right, we did!

POLLY

Oh, you did too?

OZ

Yeah, we found him yesterday. (SHEEPISH) I was waiting for you to get out of work so I could, y’know… make it a surprise.

POLLY

Awww!

Polly walks over to Oz and gives him a hug.

POLLY

You’re so sweet.

Polly gives Oz a kiss on the cheek. Oz is embarrassed.

Zoe is entirely lost.

ZOE

Uh… am I reading too much into this or is the mood between you two like… _different…_

POLLY

You’re reading too much into it. Right, Oz?

Polly winks at Oz.

OZ

R-Right.

ZOE

No seriously, didn’t you two have like, a weird… thing going on? Like, a thorny relationship where both of you hurt the other in equal measure? What happened, why are you guys kissing now?

POLLY

I just gave him a peck, Zoe, it’s normal! Right, Oz?

Polly gives Oz a genuine smile.

oz

Yeah.

Polly and Oz just look in each others’ eyes for a beat until Zoe clears her throat.

ZOE

(WEIRDED OUT) Ok, I’m going to let this lie for today ‘cause I have something else going on but… I’ll be back for you two. I’ll be back to ask _many_ questions. Polly? Blood, please.

POLLY

Oh! That’s right.

Polly throws the blood to Zoe and Zoe catches it with her tentacle. Polly goes back to nuzzling her Cat with Oz.

She looks radiant. There’s an effortless, simple joy in her demeanor.

It _really_ weirds Zoe out.

ZOE

(MUTTERING) What the _heck_ happened…

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CLASSROOM – MEANWHILE

Hope and Miranda stand impatiently in front of Vicky.

HOPE

Alright! You’ve heard me sing!

miranda

Unfortunately, for her…

Miranda removes ear plugs from her ears.

HOPE

Are you _serious?_ You couldn’t have listened to me for _one_ _second?_

MIRANDA

I’m being responsible: protective gear is mandatory in perilous situations.

HOPE

Oh you haven’t seen _perilous_ just yet…

MIRANDA

Regardless, you’ve also heard me. So? Vicky? Which one do you think rightfully deserves to participate in the talent show? (SERIOUS) And why is it me.

VICKY

U-uh… I’m supposed to choose?

HOPE

Yes! Obviously!

MIRANDA

(GRIM) More accurately you’re supposed to choose _me._

HOPE

You’re supposed to choose the better singer, which, no offense – Oh, who am I kidding, MAXIMUM offense – is obviously me!

MIRANDA

I’ll excuse that transgression just once. Do not insinuate it again.

HOPE

Oh, I’m not just insinuating it! You SUCK!

Miranda bursts out laughing.

MIRANDA

This is too comical! You truly believe I’ll be hurt by comments coming from you? I couldn’t care less for your opinion if I _tried._

hope

Yeah, if only you _could_ try for once. What, do you think you’ll win just because you’re a princess?

MIRANDA

… Excuse me?

HOPE

You heard me! I at least sang a song people know, what the hell was that communist marching song you bleated for fifteen minutes?!

miranda

Do not DARE call my glorious country’s war song _communist!_

HOPE

No one cares about your stupid country and its stupid songs, idiot!

miranda

You will cease this insolence at once or I’ll have your head!

HOPE

If only you could have my talent too, huh?!

Miranda goes to slap Hope but is stopped by Vicky.

VICKY

Girls! Stop it.

The girls settle down, but still glare at one another.

VICKY

You guys want me to choose which of you gets to go, huh… Well I’m sorry but…

Vicky puts a hand on both their shoulders.

VICKY

I want to do it too. I can’t choose either of you.

BEAT.

HOPE

(HORRIFIED) You were peeing your pants in the corner this whole time. What the hell happened.

VICKY

I heard you two sing… and, I saw how much it meant to each of you. I realized… if I’m here, I can’t just let this chance go. It’s a disrespect to you both, to whom this matters so much. (CONFIDENT) I want to sing!

Vicky beams with pride.

HOPE

… Miranda.

MIRANDA

Yes?

HOPE

Let’s choke her out.

MIRANDA

Yes.

Miranda and Hope step menacingly toward Vicky. Vicky suddenly loses all her confidence.

VICKY

(FRIGHTENED) U-uh, guys?? P-principal, help!

Vicky turns to where the principal used to be. He’s gone.

VICKY

… Oh, he ran. Makes sense, he hates confrontation…

Vicky looks at the door. It’s… closed.

VICKY

Wait, is the door locked?

Hope grabs Vicky’s throat.

VICKY

ACK--!

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, HALLWAYS – LATE AFTERNOON

A tall, pale skinned, perfectly sculpted vampire in a cape walks broodingly through the hallways of Spooky high. Every female student in the vicinity swoons.

The vampire, Dmitri, comes to an intersection and looks (sexily) unsure of where to go. He turns to his side to see a student melting into a puddle at the sight of him.

DMITRI

My apologies… are you a student of this school?

She melts even more from the sound of his voice.

DMITRI

I’m looking for--

Dmitri flips his hair back. The student burns every frame of it in her memory.

DMITRI

a trio of witches. Do you know where I can find class 4-1?

The student babbles incoherently and faints.

DMITRI

Tsk… if only I were but a smidge less gorgeous…

JOY

(O.S.) DMITRI!

Dmitri turns slowly to the coven (Joy and Faith plus Zoe), who’ve appeared before him.

DMITRI

Joy… It seems we meet again.

joy

(MUTTERING) Oh, _goddess,_ his _voice…_

FAITH

Joy, focus.

ZOE

Is… is _this_ the guy? Dmitri?

FAITH

That’s him. An evil Vampire, who’s caused us nothing but grief in the past.

JOY

Well he’s caused me a little more than just grief, I’ll tell you _that_ much…

FAITH

Joy.

JOY

I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I can’t help myself. I mean look at him!

Dmitri glances at Faith with his glistening eyes.

FAITH

… Alright, I get it.

JOY

Right?? Even Zoe gets it, right Zoe?

zoe

Hm? Uh… I mean… (UNCONVINCING) Y-Yeah. Totally.

BEAT.

JOY

You don’t get it do you?

ZOE

Uh…

JOY

It’s gotta be the light, the lighting from where you’re at is bad. Switch places with me-- actually nevermind, I wanna look at him straight on. I’ll show you pictures later.

FAITH

Pictures…?

DMITRI

Ahem?

JOY

O-oh! Uh-- Dmitri! We’ve come for--

Joy undoes a button on her shirt.

JOY

We’ve come for you!

FAITH

… To stop him.

JOY

Sure.

DMITRI

You? Stop me?

Dmitri laughs in rugged tones.

DMITRI

Don’t make me laugh. You can’t stop me.

JOY

(QUIVERING) S-Sorry could you laugh again? I forgot to record it.

FAITH

…

ZOE

Faith, you’re not going to reprimand her?

FAITH

(TIRED) Half my dialogue today’s going to be “Joy!” exclamation point if I jump every time she says something. Even I need a break…

DMITRI

You three are powerless…

FAITH

Is that so? Why did we defeat you last time, then?

DMITRI

Because I let it happen. You see, that was my power… I cared about nothing. Not even victory… not even survival… not even about wearing shirts.

Joy presses the ‘stop recording’ button on her phone. She presses the playback and puts the phone up to her ear.

PHONE

(RECORDING OF DMITRI) “Not even Victory… not even survival… not even about wearing shirts.”

joy

Faith, I’m gonna send this in the coven group chat, make an 8-hour loop of it.

FAITH

Joy, _PLEASE_ focus.

DMITRI

For hundreds of years I cared for nothing… Until I met her. My darling.

JOY

Oh really? I-I wonder who that mystery woman could be!

DMITRI

Oh… I think you know.

JOY

(MUTTERING, EXCITED) Oh, I think I do, too…!

DMITRI

She’s unlike everyone I’ve ever met. She brought peace to the swirling maelstrom within me…

JOY

You’re welcome…!

DMITRI

… And its now time for me to return the favor.

Dmitri flaps his cape. Power flows from him.

DMITRI

She’s given me strength. I will save her… and bring her to the dark side. Try to stop me… if you dare.

JOY

I don’t know if I dare, honestly.

FAITH

Joy, he’s EVIL!

JOY

I mean… that’s like, subjective, though, isn’t it?

FAITH

We can’t trust him. You know what Dmitri’s like! You think he’ll stop at just whisking his “Darling” away?

JOY

I think it depends on who the darling is.

Faith stares straight at Joy, incredulous.

JOY

I feel like… if it was a specific _witch_ … that I may or may not be very well acquainted with…

BEAT.

JOY

I could probably stop him if he tries anything.

FAITH

JOY!

JOY

Isn’t this a win-win?? I mean Zoe’s in the coven now, you guys have three! AND you’d get to be the leader! What’s the big deal!

FAITH

Joy, in case you haven’t noticed, we’ve been bound.

Joy and Faith are entangled in arcane ropes. Dmitri, the caster of this spell, advances toward the girls menacingly.

JOY

Oh.

FAITH

Yes.

JOY

Kinky…

FAITH

(FRUSTRATED) JOY!

JOY

Wait, why did he bind you too? I don’t know if I’m down for a threesome just yet--

FAITH

Ugh, whatever! ZOE!

ZOE

H-huh?!

FAITH

I’m sorry we dragged you into this. You have the blood, you’ve gotta run!

Zoe looks down at her bottle of Angel’s blood and back up to Faith. She’s determined.

ZOE

No. I’m not running!

FAITH

That’s brave of you, but you’re powerless against him! You have to bide your time--

ZOE

I said I wasn’t running!

Zoe steps forward to face Dmitri.

ZOE

I’ve seen enough of your adventures to know how problems like this SHOULD be resolved! DMITRI!

Dmitri stops, face to face with Zoe.

DMITRI

Intriguing… you aren’t cowering in fear like the others.

ZOE

That’s right. I’m not scared of you!

DMITRI

And why’s that?

ZOE

Because I believe in the Coven! In my friends!

JOY

Zoe…

ZOE

You think caring has given you power? You’re out of luck: because these girls care a thousand times more about each other than you do about this “darling” of yours!

JOY

Y-Yeah… that’s right!

DMITRI

Really? And how would _you_ know that?

ZOE

Of course, I know! I know everything!

JOY

You… (CONFUSED) H-hold on, what?

ZOE

The Coven’s strong! Even after that time Joy blew off a world saving mission to go on a date with Liam, they _still_ stuck together in the end!

FAITH

You did WHAT?!

JOY

How the hell do you know that, Zoe?!

ZOE

I know a lot more than that! I know about the time Faith lied about Hope stealing her pudding, just so she could blow off steam by pelting her with dodgeballs! The truth was Faith ate _Hope’s_ pudding and gaslit her into apologizing! And the two of them are _still_ friends!

JOY

F-FAITH?!

FAITH

U-uh… th-that didn’t happen!

ZOE

I know about how Faith uses clairvoyance to cheat at Poker! And how Joy tries to seduce every guy who talks to the other two coven girls because her confidence is based on her self-perception as the sexy one! And about how Faith secretly has a sense of superiority over how much thinner she is than Joy!

Even Dmitri’s weirded out now.

DMITRI

D-… do you girls really do all that?

JOY & FAITH

(SIMULTANEOUS, EMBARASSED) NO!

ZOE

And despite how all three of them secretly conspire against and envy one another, they always come together and save the world! So take _that_ Dmitri! You’ll never defeat THE COV--

Joy and Faith break out of the binding spell out of sheer embarrassment and leap on Zoe.

JOY & FAITH

(SIMULATEOUS, MYSTIC) _Alliges Duplicia_ _IV!_

Joy and Faith bind Zoe’s mouth with a fourth level binding spell.

ZOE

(MUTED) MMMHM! MHMHMMMHM!

JOY

D-DIMITRI! Do you mind if we do this later? We, um…

FAITH

W-we…!

DMITRI

I see you two have much to discuss… No matter. My goal is to retrieve the one I love. Good luck stopping me.

Dmitri turns and flaps his cape. He walks away. Joy reaches out to him.

JOY

(MUTTERING) My love…!

FAITH

Stop it. You’re embarrassing us.

JOY

Oh, am I? _I’m_ the one embarrassing _you_?

FAITH

We’ll talk about this--

JOY

Yeah! We _will_ talk about this later! For now though…

Joy and Faith turn to Zoe. They’re furious.

ZOE

(MUTED) Mhmmmhm?

JOY

Zoe. How the hell do you know all that shit about us?

Faith undoes the binding.

ZOE

I’m a big fan!

JOY

(FURIOUS) Oh, are you?!

ZOE

H-huh?!

FAITH

Have you never heard of privacy?

ZOE

Faith…?

JOY

Setting aside how creepy it is that you know all about our business, why the hell would you just _say_ all that shit out loud?! WHY?!

ZOE

I-I--!

FAITH

How’d you find all that out anyway, are you stalking us?

ZOE

I’m…

JOY

And what the hell was that speech-- are you trying to sabotage our friendship?! Are _you_ the big bad this season?!

ZOE

No! I’m--!

FAITH

It wouldn’t surprise me. (BITTER) There’s precedent.

ZOE

Girls, please let me explain--!

JOY

There’s nothing to explain. Can’t believe we let you join the coven…

ZOE

I--…

Joy and Faith walk away. They leave Zoe alone, as tears well up in her eyes.

ZOE

I’m sorry…

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CLASSROOM – MEANWHILE

VICKY

You know… this isn’t too bad, actually.

Back at the classroom, Hope is trying to strangle Vicky, and Miranda’s punching and kicking her.

HOPE

(STRAINING) Why are you--?! FINE--?! Miranda, beat her up already!

MIRANDA

I’m… doing my best!

VICKY

Not to hurt you girls’ feelings but you’re both so physically weak I barely even feel anything. I mean, I already have trouble feelings things in general – just dead things! – but this is like, _way_ below my feeling threshold.

Vicky and Miranda relent and catch their breath.

HOPE

Damnit… why are you so strong?!

VICKY

Once again, I’m very much not.

MIRANDA

She’s made of metal or something!

VICKY

Actually that’s not too far from the truth…

HOPE

Alright! I give up!

Hope sits on a chair and crosses her arms, defeated.

HOPE

I knew it wasn’t going to be me, anyway…

Hope sighs and looks away. Vicky sits next to her.

VICKY

Hope… can I ask you something?

HOPE

You wanna know why I wanted to sing in the first place, right?

VICKY

Yes…

HOPE

I know it… doesn’t seem like my kind of thing. Like Miranda said, I’m not really “graceful.” But… I like it. I like it, okay?!

Hope turns back around.

HOPE

I like singing! And… I’ve been feeling so worthless recently. Like everything I do just falls flat on its face. Like I’m a burden to my friends… and that they’d be better off without me. I just wanted to feel confident about something again, alright?!

Hope sniffles a little.

HOPE

(SADDENED) Don’t judge me…

Vicky puts a hand on Hope’s shoulder.

VICKY

Hope… you’re not a burden to your friends.

HOPE

How would _you_ know…

VICKY

I mean it.

Vicky speaks from the heart. Hope is taken aback.

VICKY

Your friends are lucky to have you. Who cares if you mess up sometimes? That’s why you’re a group. When one of you messes up… the others back you up. That’s what it means to be a team, right?

HOPE

(SIGHING) … Right.

miranda

(O.S.) I’m loathe to admit it, but…

Miranda sits next to the girls.

MIRANDA

I think I comprehend how Hope feels.

HOPE

Strange, I have trouble believing that…

MIRANDA

It’s true. Singing is my passion as well. I’ve loved it since I was a child… however…

Miranda takes off her crown and stares at her reflection on it.

MIRANDA

All my life I’ve been pressured to be the best at it. I’m a princess… if I do something, it needs to be perfect. So when I lost that karaoke contest…

VICKY

Miranda, everybody was drunk.

MIRANDA

Still!

Miranda has tears in her eyes as well.

MIRANDA

To my parents, no hobby of mine has worth unless it brings prestige to our family. My parents won’t let me do anything if I’m bad at it. Definitely not in front of others… but I love singing, nonetheless. I… I want to prove I deserve to enjoy it.

Vicky thinks to herself for a moment before speaking.

VICKY

The truth is… I wanted to be a singer when I was a kid. I really thought I’d end up doing it but then… stuff happened. When I got pressured to sing at the karaoke contest, I got really scared… but I think, after all this time… I can still find the passion I used to have for it. I know that dream’s long dead… but if my friends want me to do it, then I want to too.

The girls look at each other.

VICKY

Hey, you know what I just realized…

HOPE

Yeah?

VICKY

Doesn’t this… whole thing… have a super easy solution?

MIRANDA

Which is?

Vicky motions for the girls to come closer.

VICKY

… Have you guys heard of Destiny’s Child?

ACT THREE

EXT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, QUAD – EVENING

Joy – who’s put on red contacts, ruby earrings, red lipstick, basically a dark side makeover - stands impatiently in the middle of the Quad beside Faith. They’re totally silent.

BEAT.

faith

Nice contacts.

JOY

Shut up.

faith

Where did you even get those things?

JOY

I said shut up.

FAITH

Nice earrings too. Did you just have those lying around?

Joy sighs in frustration.

JOY

You know what? At first, I was really debating joining the dark side--

FAITH

(INCREDULOUS) Right, sure you were…

JOY

But now? I’m _glad_ Dmitri’s coming for me.

FAITH

Good for you.

JOY

Yeah, it _IS_ good. It’ll be great! We’ll have all the sex you hate me for having. Maybe finally you’ll get to be the hot one in the group like you’ve always wanted.

FAITH

When have I ever said I wanted that?

JOY

Don’t play dumb. See, men _like_ curves. You think you’re so much better than me just because you weigh less? Well guess what: _I’m_ the one who’s gonna fuck Dmitri.

Faith sighs.

BEAT.

JOY

Say something.

FAITH

No.

JOY

Say I beat you.

FAITH

Why do you care about beating me? What do you gain from that? I don’t want to compete with you, I’ve _never_ wanted that.

JOY

Then what was all that stuff Zoe said?

FAITH

Proof I’m a human being. What? Yes, I’ve done bad things and made mistakes. Big whoop, everyone has. No one’s perfect. That’s why we’re a team, _remember?_

Joy looks down and fidgets awkwardly with her jewelry.

FAITH

Remember how _that’s_ the reason we’ve stuck together all this time? We’ve been through so much. We’ve been together our whole lives, you and I. And here I thought that you understood the reason we're together is because we we're _better_ together. Here I thought that… you loved us despite the bickering. But!

Faith sighs and folds her arms.

FAITH

Clearly, I was wrong. Clearly you just wanted to fuck strange men. Well congratulations: you’ve found your trophy. Undeniable proof you’re attractive. Have fun with Dmitri. I hope you’re finally happy with yourself.

Faith turns and walks away.

JOY

Wh-… where are you going?

FAITH

I’m going to the talent show. Better than seeing you abandon us live and in person…

While she’s walking though, Faith stops on a dime.

JOY

Faith? What’s wrong?

Faith slowly turns around to face Joy. She’s terrified.

FAITH

… Joy.

JOY

Faith?

FAITH

I was just thinking about Hope for a second and…

JOY

What about Hope?

Joy’s eyes widen. She finally gets it.

JOY

(TERRIFIED) What _about_ Hope… N-no, there’s no way--

FAITH

Joy.

JOY

I-I mean, w-we had all that tension! We almost kissed, it _has_ to be me! I _have_ to be the one he wants!

FAITH

Joy… You’re the leader. You have to be smarter than this.

Joy groans in frustration.

JOY

AGH! Fuck my life!

Joy joins Faith and the two of them run toward the auditorium.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, AUDITORIUM – MEANWHILE

A shocking number of people, nearly the entire student body, are gathered in the auditorium. The principal’s on stage, signalling the end of the previous act.

PRINCIPAL

Ahem! Thank you very much, Liam, for… whatever it is you just did. I can barely even describe it honestly, but… good job finding a use for all those PVC tubes. Everyone! Please give us a moment before we move on to our next performers. We still need to clean all the Mountain Dew Baja Blast Liam spilled on stage.

Cut to the audience: most of the main cast (Scott, Damien, Polly, Oz, Brian, Amira and Vera) is conveniently sitting together.

SCOTT

WOOO! Are we finally going to see Vicky?!

POLLY

And Miranda, she still hasn’t gone yet.

DAMIEN

And Hope!

BEAT.

DAMIEN

… What? Hope hasn’t gone yet too!

POLLY

Who’s Hope?

DAMIEN

She’s in our class, Polly. She’s a witch from the Coven? You know the… shorter one…

POLLY

Ohhh… I didn’t know the ones besides Faith had names…

DAMIEN

Uh… yeah?

POLLY

Really! I’ve always just sort of seen them as one… being. Right, Oz? Do you know these girls?

OZ

Actually, I just met them today. Like, officially. We did have that whole thing a a month ago, so…

POLLY

Seems like forever ago at this point…

OZ

Yeah…

Oz looks beside him where Brian sits. Brian’s got his phone pointed at the empty stage, recording.

OZ

There’s nothing on stage dude, you’re just burning battery.

BRIAN

I know, I’m just testing it out. I gotta record these performances and I don’t wanna fuck up.

OZ

Record? Are you like their family or something?

BRIAN

No, but a girl I like can’t make it to see these girls sing and she’s friends with them, so… Camera time.

OZ

Boy I know how that feels…

POLLY

You’re talking about Valerie, right? How is she? I heard she was sick.

BRIAN

You heard right. She told me its nothing serious, she’ll be alright.

POLLY

I’m just surprised… Valerie’s like, _never_ been sick.

BRAIN

Wait, really…?

POLLY

Yep. I wonder what she caught this time.

BRIAN

Yeah, I wonder…

Brian thinks a little… but loses interest. He turns to Oz.

BRIAN

Hey, by the way, Uhh…

OZ

Oz.

BRIAN

Oz, that’s right. How did that thing work out with Zoe?

OZ

Awful.

BRIAN

Oh.

OZ

Yeah, but don’t worry about it. It wasn’t your fault or anything. If anything it’s the red girl down there’s fault, her and Vera…

Amira and Vera are sitting side by side at the end of the group. Amira’s chewing some gum.

AMIRA

(TO OZ) Leave me alone, man… fuck I look like tryina start beef with you? Just let me vibe. (TO VERA) Right, babe?

Vera doesn’t say anything. Or move, at all.

AMIRA

Baby?

Amira touches “Vera”. It’s another cardboard cut-out, it slips and falls to the ground.

BEAT.

OZ

Wow, she’s _really_ not in this episode…

POLLY

(CHUCKLING) What does _that_ mean?

OZ

Just a thing Zoe says when she doesn’t see someone all day.

The principal dims the lights.

SCOTT

It’s starting!

DAMIEN

Go, Hope!

Three people walk on stage. The main cast – and everyone else in attendance – are shocked.

Hope, Vicky and Miranda stand before the crowd holding microphones.

HOPE

Alright girls… We’ve had one hour to practice… on a scale of 1 to 10, how likely is this to go well?

VICKY

(NERVOUS) U-uh, 2?

MIRANDA

(COCKY) 10, obviously. I’m participating, after all.

HOPE

Then I guess I’ll say like, 6? Someone’s gotta be the medium.

VICKY

Aren’t I the medium? Because I’m taller than you and Miranda’s taller than me.

HOPE

Are we really trying to discuss height among the three shortest people each of us know?

MIRANDA

I don’t know about you two, but I’m the perfect height. I scoop right into any bridal carry.

HOPE

Well if being short’s good enough for Miranda then I guess it’s good enough for me.

VICKY

Don’t be so hung up on height, Hope. We’re all shorties here, right?

HOPE

(RELIEVED) Well… I guess so.

Hope draws the Japanese character for ‘Man’ on her palm and eats it.

HOPE

Alright! Count us in, Vicky!

VICKY

Let’s do this…! One, two! one, two, three, FOU--

Suddenly! The stage lights go out.

VICKY

(IN DARKNESS) … Is it bad I’m a little relieved? I wasn’t emotionally ready just yet…

MIRANDA

My word…

VICKY

Sorry, alright? I get nervous!

miranda

She’s a lost cause isn’t she, Hope?

Hope doesn’t respond.

MIRANDA

Hope…?

Hope is lost in the darkness.

???

(DISEMBODIED VOICE) Hope…

HOPE

H-huh?!

vicky

Hope!

???

(DISEMBODIED VOICE) Come… Come to the dark side… _my darl--AAAAGH!_

The voice cries out in pain. The stage lights go back on, revealing Dmitri, who was standing over Hope, doubled over in pain and clutching his face. His visage scalds as freshly splashed red liquid drips from it. Between Hope and Dmitri stands the one who saved her from abduction: Zoe, holding a half empty bottle of Angel blood.

ZOE

Made it just in time…

Dmitri turns around, his melting face reforming as he speaks.

DMITRI

You… so you’ve come to stand between me and the one I love?

ZOE

Yes, I have!

Dmitri laughs.

DMITRI

Such pointlessness. Why must you endanger yourself for her sake?

zoe

Because I have to! The others are too busy worrying about their own issues to realize you were gunning for Hope the whole time! I have to be the one to protect her!

DMITRI

The other two have cast you aside… you needn’t trouble yourself so.

ZOE

But I DO!

Zoe gets passionate. Dmitri seems taken a little aback.

ZOE

It doesn’t matter if they hate me! The coven taught me that even if the whole world’s against you, you have to do what’s right!

HOPE

W-… we did?

Joy and Faith burst into the auditorium.

JOY

Hope!

The girls see Zoe facing off against Dmitri.

FAITH

Zoe…?

ZOE

I don’t care if finding out that Joy’s super horny was really weird! Or that Faith holds onto grudges too much! I don’t care that it was obvious from the start you were gunning for Hope, and that it really makes me doubt the Coven’s intelligence that they didn’t get it!

joy

Obvious?!

zoe

(CONFUSED) I mean, it was _super_ obvious, Poppies are small red flowers. Hope’s small, and she has red eyes and nails. Also, you said you wanted to give her peace, and like… which Coven member has been going through struggles recently? Hope, obviously Hope.

Joy bites her lip and looks down.

FAITH

(TO JOY) Remove those contacts already.

ZOE

And like, can I just say this? I don’t get why Joy was salivating over you all day. I wanted to fit in and stuff so I agreed when she asked me if you were attractive but honestly? I just don’t see it. Like I don’t feel any attraction to you at all. Or like…

Zoe thinks.

ZOE

From _any_ guy… Even if I try imagining a guy I’d find attractive I just… I feel… nothing. Am…

BEAT.

zoe

… Am I gay?

DMITRI

Uh…

LONG BEAT.

ZOE

Ah, that’s not important right now! The point is I’m gonna take you down!

JOY

(O.S.) You mean _we_ will.

Joy and Faith teleport on stage.

HOPE

Girls!

The audience starts booing as soon as they see the Coven.

JOY

Oh yeah, I almost forgot people hate us…

FAITH

Weird how much having one fan changes your outlook.

ZOE

Ms. Joy! Ms. Faith! U-um… sorry.

JOY

Zoe… let’s leave that for later. We’ve gotta save our friend!

The coven and Zoe do a group pose. Dmitri charges up his power.

DMITRI

It doesn’t matter how many of you there are. My cape is buffeted no longer by the cool breeze of loneliness… but the warm wind of love. Hope…

Dmitri extends a hand to Hope.

DMITRI

I’m giving you one last chance to do this peacefully. Come with me… Be my bride.

The audience – who’s since gotten bored of booing - goes “Oooh” at Dmitri’s proposal. Damien screams “NOOOOO!” from the back of the crowd.

HOPE

I’m sorry, Dmitri.

The audience gasps. Damien screams “YES!” from the back of the crowd.

HOPE

It just can’t work between us.

DMITRI

Hope… Disregard your responsibilities. I swear to you, I can make you happy.

HOPE

It’s not that, it’s just…

BEAT.

HOPE

I’m fucking 17, you weirdo!

DMITRI

Uh… wh-what?

HOPE

You heard me! I’m not an adult! I’m a teenager, creep!

DMITRI

You’re… y-you’re seriously--!?

HOPE

Why do you think I’m so short?! I’m obviously still a kid, what the hell is wrong with you?!

DMITRI

I didn’t know--!

HOPE

That doesn’t hold up in a court of law! I’ll call the police _right now_ if you get any closer!

dmitri

… O-oh! Look at the time! I’ve gotta… Uhh…

BEAT.

DMITRI

See ya!

Dmitri disappears into the dark side dimension.

HOPE

Ha! Idiot, he fell for it.

Faith

I guess why use magic when you can use… the threat of the FBI?

JOY

Thank god you’re not _actually_ 17\. What a weird turn today would’ve took, huh?

HOPE

Right?

MIRANDA

(O.S.) Umm…

The group turns to Miranda and Vicky who’ve been waiting impatiently.

Zoe

Oh yeah! There was a whole talent show going on. Do you guys mind if we do the resolution to our thing later?

FAITH

Certainly.

JOY

I wanna hear Hope sing just as much as you do.

HOPE

Thanks! Now GET OFF THE STAGE!

Joy, Faith and Zoe laugh as they walk off the stage.

Hope turns to Vicky and Miranda. The girls nod to each other. The lights go down once more…

VICKY

One… two… one, two, three, four…!

The girls start harmonizing with each other. Surprisingly… completely contrary to say, Reason, the girls sound great together. They launch in an acapella rendition of a famous pop song. Vicky keeps time between them. The three girls alternate singing leads while the other two sing backups. The audience is dead quiet. There’s not a single stir, movement or breath taken among them. Everyone is wholly focused on this performance. And when it ends…

HOPE

Huh. We did it.

Damien gets up and starts clapping. Everyone follows suit. The three girls look to each other, glad the performance has gone over so well.

EXT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, OUTSIDE AUDITORIUM – NEXT DAY

The girls stand in front of the tallied results for the talent show. Hope seems deeply apprehensive and resists looking up at them. Vicky touches her shoulder, and she musters the courage.

They’ve been voted the best act of the talent show. By a landslide.

Tears well up in Hope’s eyes. Vicky hugs Hope as she sobs quietly. Vicky hazards a look at Miranda who she figures ought to be happy, but, for some reason… Miranda looks up at the results and tenses up.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, BATHROOM – LATER

Miranda washes her face in the bathroom. Two students speak from within the stalls.

STUDENT 1

Hey, did you see that performance yesterday?

STUDENT 2

You mean Vicky and Hope, right?

STUDENT 1

Yass! Oh my god, Vicky’s voice is _so_ gorgeous.

STUDENT 2

Right? Hope’s too, I really didn’t expect it, but she’s got talent!

STUDENT 1

Her voice is so cute!

STUDENT 2

Ahh, I love that.

STUDENT 1

… and then there’s Miranda.

STUDENT 2

Shush!

The girls laugh. Miranda’s fists tighten.

STUDENT 1

Honestly, they _so_ carried her ass.

STUDENT 2

I can’t believe they put Miranda in the group. You think she payed them?

STUDENT 1

Lol! I bet she did!

The girls laugh again. Miranda takes her bag and makes to leave.

STUDENT 2

Miranda’s the worst. She can’t like, do _anything_ on her own.

Miranda pauses. She wipes her eyes of tears.

MIRANDA

(MUTTERING) … I’ll show you.

And with that declaration, she leaves.

INT. MONSTROPOLIS, MCDONALD’S – NOON

Hope lounges on her seat, a crown reading “TALENT SHOW CHAMP” on her head.

HOPE

(COCKY) Haaa… feels good to be on top again!

Opposite her sits Joy, Faith and Zoe. Zoe shyly eats some fries.

JOY

I’m glad you got your groove back at least. Honestly, I might need to find mine after embarrassing myself yesterday… I’d like a break from being me for a bit.

FAITH

Joy, I thought we overcame this.

JOY

Yeah, well, I’m not exactly gonna get over it the day after, am I? Also, side note: why did you take us to a fucking McDonald’s?! You know I’m on a diet, how am I supposed to feel?! I’m here eating a salad from home while you’re eating a Big Mac!

Faith eats a bite of her Big Mac.

FAITH

I’m sorry Joy, it’s just… (TEASING) no matter what I eat I never gain weight.

joy

(SEETHING) I’ll rip you in half.

The girls laugh. Joy joins in too. Zoe laughs as well but stops herself once she sees the girls have noticed her laughing.

FAITH

Zoe… you’re allowed to laugh.

ZOE

I don’t know… we left on pretty bad terms I think. I’m already a weirdo to you guys, so…

JOY

… I guess now’s a good time as any to talk about this?

FAITH

Zoe… The things you know about us. How do you know them?

ZOE

Well… ok. I’ll say, but please don’t be scared and yell at me again.

JOY

We promise.

ZOE

… I did it on accident.

FAITH

Accident…?

ZOE

When I look in people’s eyes, I just… absorb everything. All their secrets, everything they’re hiding… their whole lives, my brain soaks it all up. I can’t turn it off, and I never turned it on. It’s just how I work.

JOY

That’s…

ZOE

I’ve been doing my best to be normal with people. I always try to… make sure I don’t make people uncomfortable. Even if it’s hard to know what I can and can’t say, I do my best. But I failed with you guys… because I really, really like you three.

FAITH

That’s the part I don’t understand… you’ve seen all our flaws. Wouldn’t it make you hate us?

ZOE

It DOESN’T!

Zoe slams her fist on the table.

zoe

… It doesn’t. What I love about you guys is that, even if you’re at odds, you always come together. That’s the power of your sisterhood: even if you yell and bicker and envy and spite one another, when all’s said and done, and the world’s in danger, you’ll come together and save it. I love that… It…

Zoe looks down.

ZOE

…It’s what I imagine having a family’s like.

The coven is surprised by Zoe’s honesty. Joy drops her fork in her salad and sighs, feeling incredibly guilty.

JOY

Faith, I thought I told you to not let me make any decisions. Why did you let me exile this harmless, beautiful creature from our group? Now I feel like garbage.

HOPE

I wasn’t even there, and I _still_ feel bad. What the hell did you guys do?

faith

I was so caught up in my own issues I couldn’t see through to your genuine goodness… I’m truly sorry, Zoe.

ZOE

I’m sorry too… I shouldn’t have revealed your business.

JOY

It’s alright… it’s water under the bridge. Right?

FAITH

Right.

JOY

As for you, Zoe… if you’d ever like to join us on an adventure, we’d love to have you again.

ZOE

REALLY??

FAITH

Really.

Zoe smiles, unfathomably overjoyed.

ZOE

HURRAY!!

She gets up and does a little dance.

HOPE

Holy crap. This is adorable.

FAITH

Right?? Let’s just make her our mascot.

JOY

Maybe then we’d finally get some fans…

FAITH

I’m fine with us staying like this… we’ve got the ultimate fan right here.

JOY

I couldn’t agree with you more.

Zoe stops dancing and sits back down.

ZOE

Guys, this is gonna sound weird, but can I ask a real quick, _super_ personal question?

JOY

Uh… that _is_ pretty weird.

FAITH

Just ask it. We’ll see if we can answer.

Hope takes a sip of soda. Joy eats some salad. Faith gets back at her Big Mac.

ZOE

Who’s Grace?

All three girls choke on their food.

After finally swallowing, they turn to Zoe, horrified.

FAITH

Zoe… how do you…

JOY

How do you know that name?

ZOE

I was scanning your memories, right? For some reason, whenever any of them mention or involve this “Grace” person, I just… blank. It’s like all of that stuff’s cut out, like I’m watching a badly edited movie, or a YouTube video on the trending page. There’s a lot of jump cuts is what I meant.

JOY

We get it.

ZOE

Anyway, you can sort of get why that’s worrying, right? I can’t find out anything at all. Who is she?

The coven witches look at each other with weighty expressions.

JOY

Grace…

There’s an incredible pain in Joy’s voice.

JOY

Grace was our friend.

ZOE

… Was?

Faith nods.

FAITH

Was.

Everyone stays dead silent for a while. The atmosphere is heavy with grief.

BEAT.

ZOE

… you guys wanna find out Hope’s embarrassing secrets?

JOY

Hell yes!

HOPE

What?!

FAITH

It’s only fair, we only heard mine and Joy’s.

HOPE

How’s that fair?! I wasn’t even involved with you guys’ thing!

ZOE

Here’s a fun one: All those little milk cartons you guys keep finding in your recycle bin is actually from Hope, who drinks it thinking she’ll get taller--

HOPE

STOOOOOOOOOP!!

FADE OUT:

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2000 hits!! 🥳🥳 That's no small feat, I'm so incredibly appreciative and humbled by you guys' continued readership. Thank you so much!


	18. Oz and Polly Adopt a Cat

FADE IN:

ACT ONE

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CLUBROOM – MORNING

Zoe sits, bewildered, in front of Polly and Oz. The two of them are holding hands and smiling at each other.

Cut back to Zoe, who yells in frustration.

ZOE

AAAAAGH! THAT’S IT! Something happened between you two, tell me what it is RIGHT NOW!

OZ

Zoe, nothing happ--

ZOE

Don’t lie to me! You two are buddy-buddy-buddy right now and its SO weird!

POLLY

You said buddy three times.

ZOE

That’s how buddy you guys are! It’s illogical!

OZ

… Polly, do we tell her?

Polly sighs.

POLLY

Alright, fine. It was fun at first but… I’m bored of just dancing around it.

OZ

You? Getting bored of a prank?

POLLY

Crazy, right?

OZ

Yeah…

Polly gives Oz a warm smile. Oz returns it.

ZOE

STOOOOOOOOP! STOP IT!

OZ

Hahaha! Alright, alright… The short version is:

Magnus, Oz and Polly’s cat, jumps onto the table and into his owners’ laps.

OZ

We adopted a cat.

ZOE

Uh-huh…?

POLLY

But the long version is… oh man, is it _long._ I guess the best place to start would be…

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, BATHROOM – FLASHBACK, AFTERNOON

“NOVEMBER 13TH -> SEPTEMBER 9TH”

POLLY

(V.O.) Here. Regrettably, this is where it starts for me.

Polly’s in the bathroom doing her nails. Someone knocks at the door to get Polly’s attention. Polly turns and sees its Vera.

VERA

Polly. Can I talk to you for a second?

Polly walks over to Vera.

VERA

Can we talk about--

Polly touches Vera’s face.

VERA

Wh-what the…?!

POLLY

Hm. Ok.

VERA

What the fuck was that for?

POLLY

Sorry, I just wanted to make sure you weren’t a cardboard cut-out.

VERA

… Polly I fucking _spoke_ to you.

POLLY

… Oh yeah.

VERA

What the hell are you on right now? What on earth was that?

POLLY

Don’t worry about it, it’ll be funny in like 2 months.

VERA

(ROLLING HER EYES) Anyway. I need to talk to you seriously now that we’re alone.

Vera gets closer to Polly.

VERA

… You like Oz, don’t you?

POLLY

What makes you say that?

Vera weighs her words.

VERA

Call it a hunch… but I think this is related to your… _problem_.

Polly blinks a few times.

POLLY

(V.O.) I still don’t know how Vera clocked it, but she was right. I liked him from the start. You see…

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, AUDITORIUM – FLASHBACK, EVENING

“SEPTEMBER 9TH \- > OCTOBER 9TH (THREE YEARS AGO)”

The school is gathered for an award ceremony. Oz fidgets awkwardly on stage in a rented suit besides a drawing of spider man. The drawing has a big blue ribbon on it.

POLLY

(V.O.) I’d had my eye on him for years. I first met him during the award ceremony for the freshman art competition.

The principal takes the mic.

PRINCIPAL

The winner of this year’s art competition… Oz!

The audience claps for him. Oz fidgets and looks around shyly.

POLLY

(V.O.) He won, to the immense chagrin of… _someone_ I know.

Miranda’s in the audience, biting her nail and cursing under her breath. She looks murderous.

POLLY

(V.O.) And the person who handed him the trophy was… me.

Polly walks on stage, with a trophy in hand. She looks bored.

POLLY

(V.O.) Honestly, I didn’t really wanna do it. The only reason I signed up for it was ‘cause the guy I was dating at the time thought it’d be ‘so sick’ if he won and we had our first kiss when I handed him the trophy.

A werewolf yells out at Polly from the audience.

POLLY’S BOYFRIEND

Polly-Pie! I love you!

Polly’s boyfriend, the werewolf, blows kisses at Polly. Polly rolls her eyes.

POLLY

(V.O.) I broke up with him pretty soon after this.

Polly turns back to Oz, who’s stepped forward. He trembles awaiting the trophy. Polly laughs to herself a little.

POLLY

(V.O.) Low key, I kind of thought Oz was cute. Like… a little bit. He was so shy! He was like a baby deer, he could barely even look me in the eyes. But, wouldn’t you know it…

Oz avoids Polly’s gaze and hazards a shaking hand toward her. Polly goes to take it, but Oz switches hands midway.

OZ

S-sorry, the o-other one was… s-sweaty…

POLLY

I’m sure it’s fine.

POLLY

(V.O.) … He changed my life, that day.

Polly smiles at Oz and puts her hand forward.

POLLY

(V.O.) You said it yourself, Zoe.

Oz takes Polly’s hand.

POLLY

(V.O.) “How _does_ a ghost like Polly feel things…”

They shake.

POLLY

(V.O.) The truth is, physically speaking, I don’t. I can’t feel anything touching me. Anything…

Polly’s expression drops.

POLLY

(V.O.) Except him.

Polly freezes. There’s a subtle glow coming from their hands. On some level, we understand this just Polly’s visualization of the moment. Polly’s supposed to hand Oz the trophy, but she can’t. Polly’s just… totally stuck. Stuck on Oz and his touch.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, BATHROOM – FLASHBACK, MORNING

“OCTOBER 9TH (THREE YEARS AGO) - > SEPTEMBER 9TH”

We return on Polly, who has yet to answer Vera’s question.

POLLY

… _What_ problem?

Polly goes back to doing her nails. Vera folds her arms, and sighs.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CHEMISTRY LAB – MORNING

“SEPTEMBER 9TH \- > MAY 5TH (LAST SEMESTER)”

Polly does an experiment for an assignment in school. The teacher describes the experiment while Polly zones out.

POLLY

(V.O.) My world is cold. I don’t have a physical form, or… nerves… I can’t touch or feel things. A part of me thinks that’s why my substance abuse got so bad… But, despite it, the problem still persisted.

There’s a Bunsen burner in front of her. She turns it on…

polly

(V.O.) No matter what I did to take my mind off it…

Polly puts her hand over the flame.

POLLY

(V.O.) No matter what I tried…

We can tell in her empty glare that she feels nothing.

POLLY

(V.O.) It was always there, in the back of my mind.

Polly’s partner, Miranda, pulls her hand back from the fire and turns off the Bunsen burner.

MIRANDA

Are you ok?

Miranda holds Polly’s arm, but…

POLLY

(V.O.) It’s tough for people to imagine. It’s tough for me to even understand. It’s like when something touches me its just… numb. Cold.

Polly forces a smile.

POLLY

I’m ok. 

POLLY

(V.O.) I hate it. And after three years… I’d had enough.

Polly hazards a look beyond Miranda, where she finds Oz doing the experiment alone.

POLLY

(V.O.) Oz was special. I didn’t know why, but… for some reason, I felt him. I felt him when I felt nothing else. So, after years of trying to live despite my sensory issues… in my third year, I decided to do what I knew I should’ve done from the start.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, LOCKERS – NOON

Oz shoves textbooks in his locker, his ennui and loneliness emanating from him. Polly puts her hand on his shoulder.

POLLY

(V.O.) Just to see where that feeling led me, you know? I figured I didn’t have much to lose.

Oz turns around and his eyes immediately go wide. Polly smiles at him.

polly

Hey! Oz, right?

Oz can’t even speak.

POLLY

(V.O.) It should’ve been simple between us. I kinda liked him, and he would’ve died for me… it should’ve been easy! But…

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, LIBRARY – ANOTHER DAY

Polly struggles trying to complete an essay.

POLLY

(V.O.) Nothing is ever easy with us, is it? We got in our own way.

Oz taps her on the shoulder. He hands her a completed essay with her name on it.

POLLY

(V.O.) Oz overvalues and gets unhealthily attached to everyone who acknowledges him…

He looks proud. Polly looks it over as a smile grows on her face.

POLLY

(V.O.) … And I can’t help abusing the people who enable me. In the back of my mind… I knew this was wrong. I _knew_ this wasn’t what I wanted, and I know for sure this isn’t what _he_ wanted either. But what did we expect, putting two irresponsible people together? As far as we knew, he was happy having someone to talk to and I was happy having someone wait on me hand and foot. We were happy.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CLASSROOM – LATER

Polly gets her essay, the one Oz wrote for her, back. She got an A+.

POLLY

(V.O.) Everything was going _great._

oz

(V.O.) … until it didn’t.

Quick cuts of the events between Oz and Polly until the party at Vera’s house, leading to…

EXT. MONSTROPOLIS, OUTSIDE POLLY’S APARTMENT – FLASHBACK, MORNING

“MAY 5TH (LAST SEMESTER)- > OCTOBER 28TH”

Oz stands outside Polly’s apartment, holding two suitcases. Oz rings the doorbell.

Nothing.

Oz rings again.

BEAT.

Oz starts spamming the doorbell. 

After a beat, Polly, more unkempt than ever, opens the door.

POLLY

(ABSENTMINDEDNLY) I’m here, I’m here…! Shut the fuck up already…

Polly wipes her eyes and finally notices it’s Oz standing in front of her.

OZ

Hi!

POLLY

O-Oz…?! What are you doing here?!

OZ

I wanna move in.

BEAT.

POLLY

(SCARED) Wh-… who said you could move in?

OZ

You did.

polly

 _I_ did?!

OZ

Yes.

POLLY

Who even told you where I lived?!

OZ

You did.

POLLY

I did NOT.

oz

You totally did!

POLLY

I DIDN’T!

oz

(V.O.) Actually, hold on. Let’s just do an aside real fast: she _totally_ did. Like, I don’t want you to think I was a creep who showed up at her doorstep unannounced. Although…

INT. VERA’S APARTMENT, BATHROOM – FLASHBACK, EVENING

“OCTOBER 28TH \- > OCTOBER 25TH”

Flashing back to Vera’s party: Oz sits on a toilet in one of Vera’s bathrooms, trying to process everything going on. Chief among the issues on his mind is his nakedness, obviously.

OZ

(V.O.) I don’t blame her for forgetting. She didn’t remember much else that night.

Suddenly, there’s a knock at the door.

POLLY

(O.S., THROUGH DOOR) Oz?

Polly knocks again.

POLLY

(O.S., THROUGH DOOR) Oz are you in here?

OZ

I… Yeah, I am.

POLLY

(O.S.) What? Speak up, please.

OZ

(LOUDER) I’m in here!

POLLY

(O.S.) Oohhh…

BEAT.

POLLY

(O.S.) Hey!

OZ

H-Hi…

POLLY

(O.S.) Nice to see you again! Super nice to see you again…

OZ

Well you’re… not really seeing me…

POLLY

(O.S.) What was that? Speak up!

OZ

(LOUD) You’re not really seeing me right now!

POLLY

(O.S.) Oh. Haha! Yeah, you’re right. There’s a… door…

Awkward silence.

POLLY

(O.S., SIMULATENOUS) So!

OZ

(SIMULATENOUS) Uh, Polly--

POLLY

(O.S.) Sorry, what were you saying?

OZ

No, you go ahead.

POLLY

(O.S.) So, you really decked Zoe, huh?

OZ

Zoe?

POLLY

(O.S.) That’s… Lil’ Buddy’s new name. She’s Zoe, and a girl now.

OZ

(HORRIFIED) Holy… Crap, that was Lil’ Buddy I punched?!

POLLY

(O.S.) Uh… yeah.

OZ

Oh my--… I gotta apologize, I didn’t mean to--

POLLY

(O.S.) Yeah, whatever. Umm… Oz! What was it like being dead?

OZ

It… I mean… Pretty bad?

POLLY

(O.S.) I know, right? Being dead stinks.

OZ

Yeah, it… it’s really the worst.

POLLY

(O.S.) Sucks you had to die the day you did, too…

OZ

Sure, but why do you say that?

POLLY

(O.S.) Nah, it’s… ah, it doesn’t matter.

OZ

Polly…

Oz gets up and walks toward the door.

OZ

What’s wrong?

POLLY

(O.S.) It’s just…

Polly sighs. We cut to her side of the door, she’s got her back against it.

POLLY

That day, I was going to tell you about my unfinished business.

OZ

Unfinished business?

POLLY

Yeah! Like, I wasn’t always a ghost, you know? I have… unfinished business. I’ve actually been keeping it pretty close to the chest until now, you’re like… probably the first guy I’ve ever told.

OZ

No way… I’m so sorry, Polly. I had no clue…

POLLY

Yeah… I, uh… I wanted to ask you to help with it.

OZ

Polly, I don’t know if--

POLLY

Or, I mean, I was going to. Before you… y’know…

OZ

O-Oh…

POLLY

Like, listen… I respect what you did for Zoe and everything… but I’ve been pretty lonely this past month. Caring for you and stuff… that _burden_ weighing on my shoulders…

Polly watches for Oz’ reaction.

POLLY

(V.O.) Just _thinking_ about this makes me retch… I was _so_ gross that day.

POLLY

Ah, here I go… _ranting_ again, huh? Rambling… You don’t really care about my unfinished business, it doesn’t really matter. Happy to have you back, Oz.

Polly pretends to walk away.

OZ

Wait! Polly, wait.

Polly pumps her fist and mouths the word “YES!”

OZ

What’s your unfinished business?

polly

(V.O.) See, before Oz died, he and I got into a big argument. You remember, Zoe, you were there.

POLLY

Ahh, it… doesn’t really matter…

OZ

Tell, me, please. I… I want to help.

POLLY

(V.O.) Our issues from that day still weren’t resolved. Weeks worth of baggage piled up… but addressing it was the _last_ thing on my mind. I couldn’t even if I wanted to, I had no idea how.

POLLY

Really?

OZ

Yes. To make it up for everything you did for me… I swear I’ll help you.

POLLY

(V.O.) I needed a quick way to sweep all of it under the rug. A distraction from the kind of person I’d been. And what better way to do that… than to give him the one thing I thought he’d been wanting the whole time.

POLLY

Well…

Polly mouths the words “Here goes nothing…”

POLLY

I… never did a Reverse Romanian Wilkinson. You know… sexually.

OZ

… Oh.

Polly bites her lip in anticipation of Oz’ response.

OZ

(ANXIOUS) Uh, I mean… I don’t know if…

Polly rolls her eyes.

POLLY

(FAKE SAD) Yeah, I figured it was too much…

OZ

U-um…!

POLLY

It’s alright. I don’t really mind being a ghost, you know, I’m immortal and I get to walk through walls, but…

Polly sighs overdramatically.

POLLY

My soul just… won’t rest, until I do that freaky sex move.

OZ

It won’t… r-rest?

POLLY

It’s okay though. You don’t have to help. I guess I’ll just… ask _someone else_ \--

OZ

N-no! Please don’t!

Polly smiles expectantly.

Oz

…I’ll do it.

Polly silently celebrates.

OZ

I’ll uh… I’ll reverse your Romanian Wilkinson, um, babe. Baby?

Polly silently cringes.

OZ

Polly, I’ve never done this…

POLLY

Who woulda guessed… Don’t worry about expertise, I’ve got enough for the both of us. Now get out of there, we have stuff we need to find if we wanna sex it up.

OZ

S-stuff? Oh, like a c-condom--

POLLY

Nope! Haha, _definitely_ not.

OZ

H-huh--?!

POLLY

Get out of there already, what are you waiting for?

OZ

One more thing.

POLLY

What? If you want clothes I--

Polly puts up clothes she’s obviously prepared beforehand.

POLLY

… Just so happened to find some right here.

OZ

Thank you, but it’s something else.

POLLY

What is it?

OZ

W-well… if we have, like… s-sex… Are we…

BEAT.

OZ

G-Gonna be… dating?

Polly blinks a few times. Something dawns on her. A realization of what this could mean for them.

POLLY

Ummm--

OZ

Uh, nevermind! Nevermind about that, it’s uh--

POLLY

Yeah, it’s…

OZ

It’s not important.

POLLY

No, it’s important! it’s just… (MUTTERING) I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet…

OZ

Did you say something? I couldn’t hear that last part.

POLLY

Nothing! Uh… W--… well, um… Oh!

Polly gets an idea.

POLLY

How about this: my roommate moved out the other day, and… paying rent’s gonna be a little tough. So… if you want, after this, you’re free to… y’know…

Polly smiles sheepishly.

POLLY

Come live with me.

OZ

R-… really?

POLLY

Yeah! We’ll like… be roommates! It’s _kind_ of like dating, right?

OZ

Um…

POLLY

We’ll be living together, it’s basically the same. (MUTTERING) Except I get to fuck other guys too if I want…

OZ

Wh-What?

POLLY

Oz, that’s not important right now, we’ll talk about it later. Open the door so I can slide you these clothes.

OZ

O-… ok.

OZ

(V.O.) So you see, she _did_ say I could come. Whether she was _expecting_ me to come, however… especially after what happened…

INT. POLLY’S APARTMENT – FLASHBACK, MORNING

“OCTOBER 25TH \- > OCTOBER 28TH”

Oz looks around at Polly’s filthy, unkempt, messy apartment with a look of abject horror.

OZ

Oh god.

POLLY

Uh… yeah.

OZ

You…

Oz looks to what must’ve in the past been a coffee table. Half of it is covered in dirty laundry, the other half is covered in takeout boxes and pizza crusts.

OZ

(HORRIFIED) You _live_ like this?!

POLLY

Ok well obviously the takeout boxes aren’t _mine_ those are my roommate’s…

Oz looks in the pile and finds a bag of weed.

POLLY

… Ok _that’s_ mine.

OZ

(SCOLDING) Polly.

POLLY

Get off my back, man! Who cares if it’s messy, I pay rent don’t I?!

OZ

But Polly, you realize you don’t _own_ this place, right? You’re _renting_ this apartment.

POLLY

Yeah?

OZ

… Polly, there’s no way the landlord is gonna let you leave his property a _dump!_

POLLY

Wait… is that why my landlord is always pissed at me?

OZ

Polly _…_

Polly’s phone rings. Polly looks at who it is.

POLLY

Speak of the devil… It’s my landlord.

OZ

Are you gonna pick that up?

POLLY

Nope. Letting it go to voicemail.

OZ

Are you going to _listen_ to the voicemail?

POLLY

Oz, you _know_ me. Don’t ask questions you already know the answer to.

Polly’s phone stops ringing.

POLLY

Annnd… delete voicemail. Bloop!

Polly’s smile drops.

POLLY

Oh crap I accidentally opened it--

LANDLORD

(VOICEMAIL) “FUCKING ANSWER ME POLINA!”

POLLY

Here we go…

LANDLORD

(VOICEMAIL) “Tell me why there’s fucking MOLD growing on the woman below you’s CEILING! I KNOW THAT’S YOU, POLLY!”

POLLY

See? She’s such a bitch, she just _assumes_ its me. Maybe the lady down there just doesn’t know how to clean her ceilings!

Oz looks to the floor and spots hints of mold. He winces.

LANDLORD

(VOICEMAIL) “That apartment was NICE before I rented it to you! It was one of my nicer ones! That shit’s _MY_ INVESTEMENT YOU’RE FUCKING WITH!” 

POLLY

Boohoo. See, she always yells at me but she’s never gonna kick me out--

LANDLORD

(VOICEMAIL) “I am sick and tired of you! I’m coming THIS FRIDAY. If that apartment is anything less than SPOTLESS, YOU’RE GETTING EVICTED! ON THE SPOT!”

The phone clicks off. Polly’s cocky smirk slowly transforms into terror.

POLLY

… Shit.

OZ

See, I told you.

Polly falls to the ground.

POLLY

Shit… shit…!

OZ

Uh, are you ok, Polly?

POLLY

(SHEEPISH) U-um…

Polly looks up at Oz, pleadingly.

POLLY

L-listen, I know we’ve had… issues… but, would it be Ok if I… c-crashed at your old place for a while?

OZ

What…?

POLLY

Please. I don’t have anywhere else to go, I um… I don’t really have a job. To be honest, my old roommate left because she was sick of paying the rent for both of us.

OZ

Wh-WHAT?! Didn’t you just say it was ok to ruin this place because you “payed rent”?!

POLLY

I, uh…

OZ

Polly, why are you renting when You don’t have a _job?!_

POLLY

I promise, I just need somewhere to sleep! Please? I don’t wanna be homeless!

Polly prostrates herself on the ground. Oz is stunned.

POLLY

(V.O.) It’s hard to think about how pathetic I was that day.

OZ

(V.O.) You think it was hard for _you?_

Cut back to Polly, who shifts from prostration with both hands on the ground to prostration with hands clasped in prayer.

OZ

(V.O.) Think about how I felt! I had more than just a crush on you, you were like… everything I wanted to be, you know? You had it all. And now here I am… finally seeing that _this_ was the real you. And honestly…?

Polly’s prostration triggers something in Oz. He crouches down in front of her.

OZ

(V.O.) It was like looking in a mirror.

OZ

Polly.

Polly looks up, teary-eyed.

OZ

I’m not going to let you live at my old home.

polly

Wh-Why…?

OZ

Because I’m going to do you one better.

Oz gets up and looks around.

OZ

Do you own any trash bags?

POLLY

I--

OZ

Ah, let’s just buy them anyway.

POLLY

Oz…

Polly gets up as well.

POLLY

What are you going to do?

OZ

 _I_? No, no, no… _we._ You and I are going to clean this apartment.

POLLY

What?!

OZ

You heard me. You think you can just run from this mess? That’s irresponsible! You can’t just get evicted and dump all this on your landlord… You may be dead, but that’s no way to live.

Polly sighs.

POLLY

It’s hopeless, Oz. This place is disgusting! There’s no way we can clean it in 2 days, we’re just two people!

OZ

Don’t count me as just one person.

Tons of little eyes and hands appear on Oz’ arms. Oz motions for Polly to follow him.

OZ

Come on! Let’s go buy supplies.

Polly seems fascinated by Oz’ surprising confidence and determination.

MONTAGE – CLEANING POLLY’S APARTMENT 

A- Oz and Polly come back from their shopping trip with more cleaning supplies than they can comfortably hold. Oz summons tons of his phobias and instructs them on what to do. They all salute and go to their respective stations.

B- Polly lazily throws out empty beer cans and bottles in a trash bag while phobias hustle all around her. Oz does his best cleaning some mold from the floor. She feels a little guilt at how slowly she’s working and picks up the pace just a tad.

C- Oz and Polly enter Polly’s kitchen and grimace at the utter disarray it’s in. Oz side-eyes Polly. Polly whistles and looks away guiltily.

D- Oz and Polly cooperate to clean the kitchen. Oz finds a big bag of Cocaine in one of Polly’s drawers, and glares at her. Polly pleads with him to let her keep it, but he wordlessly puts it in a trash bag. Polly waits for Oz to leave and sneakily puts the bag of cocaine back in one of her drawers.

E- Oz helps Polly sort through her heap of clothes. Oz accidentally grabs some of Polly’s underwear and jumps back, startled. Polly laughs at him.

F- Polly vacuums while listening to music. Oz goes back to fighting against the mold from before. Polly steels herself. She taps him on the shoulder and offers him a mold-erasing product. They erase the mold together.

G- Quick cuts of the rest of the house being cleaned.

END MONTAGE

EXT. OUTSIDE POLLY’S APARTMENT – FLASHBACK, MORNING

“OCTOBER 28TH \- > OCTOBER 30TH”

Polly waits nervously with Oz in front of the door to her apartment.

POLLY

(V.O.) It took two days. We finally cleaned it all.

OZ

(V.O.) That mold took the full two days. It would _not_ come out.

POLLY

(V.O.) I know we did our best but… when I was waiting for my landlord to come visit, I was so, _so_ scared. I was just terrified that she’d see the place and think we didn’t do enough. That all the effort we put in… was just for nothing. I probably would’ve run away…

Oz puts a hand on Polly’s shoulder.

OZ

Polly… breathe. We did our best.

POLLY

(V.O.) … If Oz wasn’t there.

Polly breathes and nods to herself slightly.

A car pulls up in the driveway. A car we’ve seen before… Our suspicions are confirmed when Amira comes out of the driver’s seat and opens the passenger’s side.

AMIRA

I’ll wait for you in the car.

LANDLADY

Don’t worry…

From within it, Polly’s landlady comes out… Vera, wearing a fur coat, exits the vehicle.

vera

This won’t take long.

Vera walks up the steps to Polly’s apartment and stands before her and Oz.

VERA

… Ms. Geist.

polly

(SCARED) V-Vera.

Vera eyes Oz with vague disgust.

VERA

And… Oz. That _is_ your name, right?

OZ

It is, we spoke on the phone. I moved in recently.

VERA

Oz… (TO POLLY) So? _This_ is how it all turned out?

POLLY

Vera, please. (REGRETFUL) …we’re just friends.

VERA

So you’re saying you managed to salvage this after… _that_ whole thing? I must say, _one_ of you has _extraordinarily_ low self-respect.

POLLY

Vera, don’t say that.

Vera

Right…

Vera looks around beside Polly.

VERA

I see you haven’t packed your bags. You realize you’re evicted after I see this mess of yours, right?

OZ

Vera, with all due respect—

vera

(INTERRUPTING) That’s Ms. Oberlin to you. I’m your landlord, not your friend.

OZ

Uh… right. Ms. Oberlin, with all due respect…

Oz steps forward.

OZ

Polly has no intention of getting evicted.

Vera

Really…? Well we’ll see about that, won’t we?

Oz and Polly let Vera into the apartment. She walks in.

BEAT.

Vera comes out, flabbergasted.

VERA

Whose apartment is this?

Polly gives Vera a cocky smile.

POLLY

Ours.

Oz looks at Polly with as much pride as Polly has for herself.

polly

(V.O.) I really couldn’t express in words just how happy I was.

INT. POLLY’S APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS

Vera re-enters the apartment and just looks around, bewildered at the sheer cleanliness of it. It’s spotless.

POLLY

(V.O.) Vera’s been my landlord for a while. I really lucked out befriending her, she let me live in this nice apartment for years. Of course… whether I could pay rent for it… or even _maintain_ it… was another issue.

Vera drags her finger across a surface. Not even one dust particle.

POLLY

(V.O.) Vera treated me like a bum for so long…

Vera turns back to Polly and stares at her, wide-eyed. Polly winks at her.

POLLY

(V.O.) It felt nice to finally be able to stand in front of her proudly. I think I got a little cocky from it, I can’t lie…

POLLY

So, Vera? How is it?

VERA

… It’s spotless.

POLLY

Exactly! I don’t have to get evicted now, do I?

VERA

… I suppose not.

POLLY

YASS!

Vera

Here’s hoping you have the same gusto when paying your rent this month.

POLLY

(V.O.) … maybe a little too cocky.

Polly stops celebrating. Vera raises an eyebrow at Polly.

VERA

So?

Polly turns to Oz slowly, worried and pleading. Oz sighs.

OZ

Ms. Oberlin, I’ll be living here from now on. You can get the rent from me for now.

POLLY

DOUBLE YASS!

VERA

I see. How convenient for Polly.

OZ

I said _for now_.

VERA

Oh?

OZ

I promise you, Polly’s going to pay her rent next month.

POLLY

… I am?

VERA

Oz, if I were that lucky, I’d be buying scratchers not renting homes.

OZ

Polly can do it.

POLLY

I-I can?

OZ

You see this apartment? Polly cleaned it all!

POLLY

I did?!

VERA

(INCREDULOUS) She did?

OZ

(MUTTERING) More or less… (TO VERA) Ms. Oberlin, doesn’t this apartment’s state show Polly’s capable of being responsible?

VERA

I suppose it’s… a step forward for her. Let’s see how many steps back she takes from here, why don’t we?

INT. POLLY’S APARTMENT – MORNING

“OCTOBER 30TH \- > OCTOBER 31ST”

Polly, Oz and Vera stand in front of the broken wall – torn through by a feral Scott – on the side of her apartment.

VERA

Intriguing! So, its _this_ many steps back, is it?

OZ

Ms. Oberlin, this was an accident--

VERA

You know, I believed in you two. I believed in _her._ I knew I shouldn’t’ve… but I did. Just a _little._

Vera motions to the broken wall.

VERA

I should not at all be surprised that this is how you repay me. If only you could repay me with _rent_ , right? 

Polly seems deeply regretful.

POLLY

V-… Vera I’ll pay it back--

VERA

Shh.

Vera silences Polly.

VERA

Firstly… no, you won’t. Don’t lie to me like that.

POLLY

I--

VERA

SECONDLY. This isn’t about the money. You think I need _money?_ I already paid for the repairs.

Vera walks right up to Polly.

VERA

This is about trust. I _trusted_ you to take care of this place. And then you violated that trust _immediately_.

POLLY

Vera, I didn’t even _do_ this!

VERA

No, I know. This was, in large part… Vicky’s fault.

POLLY

Right!

VERA

And believe me: her day of reckoning is coming. And it is coming… _soon._

Vera’s eye twitches.

VERA

But _she’s_ just a dumbass. You? I was hoping you could make sure something like this wouldn’t happen. You said you wanted to have Scott’s… technically Liam’s… party at your house and I said “Fine!” Let’s see how this turns out. And you wanna know how it turned out?

Vera puts up an opened bag of cocaine.

VERA

(SERIOUS) Why is there a bag of fucking cocaine in your kitchen?

OZ

W-Wait, didn’t we throw that out?!

BEAT.

OZ

U-uh, I mean… h-how did that get there! We’ve… never seen that…

vera

Exactly. Polly? Pay my rent, and we’ll be square.

Vera puts a hand on Polly’s shoulder.

VERA

But don’t expect me to ever trust you again.

Vera drops the bag of cocaine. It spills over the floor. Polly stares down at it, forlorn, while Vera makes to leave, but before she can, she’s blocked by Oz.

VERA

(COMMANDING) Move.

OZ

I got something to say.

VERA

I’m sure you do. _Move._

OZ

No! I’m not moving until you listen to what _I_ gotta say!

VERA

(MUTTERING) Ughhhh… What a pain in the ass. (UNINTERESTED) Alright, fine. Everybody’s gotta speak now, I suppose. After you it’ll be that fucking chair’s turn.

OZ

Vera, I thought--

VERA

_Ms. Oberlin._

Oz rolls his eyes.

OZ

“Ms. Oberlin”. I thought you two were friends?! Why are you being so mean to Polly?!

Vera scoffs.

VERA

Friends? No … We’re not _friends_ right now. We’ll be friends when we’re at school, but _here_? I’m her landlord. And as her landlord, I now know beyond the shadow of a doubt that Polly is _physically_ , maybe even _metaphysically,_ incapable of being responsible. For anything.

POLLY

You heard her.

Polly looks really depressed.

POLLY

Sorry I dragged you into this, Oz.

OZ

No. Thank you for dragging me into this. Ms. Oberlin? Let’s make a bet.

VERA

A bet…?

OZ

I believe Polly can turn her life around; She just hasn’t had the proper motivation until now.

VERA

Polly can-- (LAUGHING) Oh god, did you eat some of the cake too?!

OZ

I believe in her! Give Polly a week. She’ll fix all of this.

VERA

A _week?_

OZ

One week.

VERA

You’re telling me Polly can: 1- Get a job, 2- Fix her substance abuse problem, 3- Maintain this level of cleanliness, 4- Take her studies more seriously and 5- stop partying so much of her own accord? In one week?

OZ

Yes.

BEAT.

VERA

Alright, sure.

OZ

I know you won’t accept right away, but-- Wait, what?

VERA

Oz, I have nothing to lose. Being Polly’s friend is nothing but a string of disappointments, and I’m honestly numb to it now. If you can make it happen… then make it happen. I’ll be honest, I know you’re the one who cleaned this apartment. But I do believe that Polly _did_ clean _some_ of it, Which is incredible to me since I’ve never seen her even _buy_ a trash bag before.

OZ

You…

VERA

I accept the bet. Here are the rules: From today until next Friday, Polly has to get a job. She has to finish all her homework on her own. She has to clean this place, once again, on her own. She can’t throw any parties, and finally: She can’t drink, and she can’t take any drugs.

POLLY

Woah, woah, woah… wh-what? You want me to do all that shit for a _full_ week?

VERA

Polly, everyone other than you has been doing it for their _full_ lives.

POLLY

But like… I’m not alive, am I?

VERA

Funny how you only ever bring up that excuse when it’s to justify you living irresponsibly. If you’re as dead as you say, live on the street! It doesn’t matter, right?

Polly tries to respond but she can’t.

POLLY

Point taken…

VERA

I know.

OZ

What happens if Polly can’t do all that stuff by next week?

VERA

Nothing.

OZ

Nothing?

POLLY

Wait… there’s just no penalty?

VERA

None. If you can’t do it, I won’t take or ask anything else from you. Do you get it? The only proof I’ll accept of you having changed at least a _little_ is if you could do so of your own volition.

POLLY

And… what if pull it off?

VERA

If you win…

Vera steps toward Polly.

VERA

I’ll let you have a cat in here.

OZ

A cat? That doesn’t seem like a…

Polly’s eyes widen in utter excitement. She’s in complete awe at the prospect.

OZ

(CONFUSED) … big deal…?

POLLY

(MYSTIFIED) You’ll let me have a cat…?

VERA

Yes.

Vera smiles at Polly and steps through the wall Scott made.

VERA

I’ll see you on the 6th. Today _counts_ by the way. Hope you’re sober!

Vera leaves. Oz and Polly are alone. Oz looks at Polly.

Polly is on the brink of tears.

OZ

(V.O.) I was so confused then.

POLLY

(V.O.) Haha! I don’t blame you. It _was_ kinda random for me to suddenly get super passionate about a cat of all things. But believe me… I cared so, so much. You see…

INT. MONSTROPOLIS, ANIMAL SHELTER – FLASHBACK, AFTERNOON

“OCTOBER 31ST \- > NOVEMBER 1ST (ONE YEAR AGO)”

Polly enters the Animal shelter and waves at an employee. The employee perks up when she sees Polly and waves back. Clearly, they know each other.

POLLY

(V.O.) When Vera said “You could adopt a cat” she didn’t mean _any_ cat.

The employee takes Polly into a room with many cats relaxing and playing. Polly looks around tenderly at all the animals around her.

POLLY

(V.O.) She and I knew she was talking about one cat in particular.

A cat in the corner of the room jumps up once it sees her, and runs up to Polly before nuzzling her leg. Polly smiles and crouches in front of it. Polly takes the cat in her arms and hugs it tight. The truth is, we know this cat. We’ve already seen him: 

POLLY

(V.O.) Magnus.

Magnus rubs against Polly softly.

POLLY

(V.O.) My history with Magnus is long. It actually starts way before Magnus was even born.

INT. MONSTROPOLIS, ANIMAL SHELTER – FLASHBACK, AFTERNOON

“NOVEMBER 1ST (ONE YEAR AGO)”- > NOVEMBER 1ST (THREE YEARS AGO)”

Polly enters the same room we saw her in before, this time a lot less comfortable. She clearly hasn’t been there before.

POLLY

(V.O.) I was visiting the animal shelter. One of my friends was looking for a pet.

Polly looks beside her, to Damien, the friend in question. He looks incredibly dissatisfied.

polly

(V.O.) We were in there and I could tell he was like, two seconds away from yelling about how lame all these cats were. I don’t know what he expected, I told him dogs were more his speed.

DAMIEN

All these cats are LAME!

POLLY

Damien, I _told_ you dogs were more your speed.

POLLY

(V.O.) See? Anyway:

Damien turns and leaves.

POLLY

(V.O.) Damien left to go give the lady who showed him the cats an earful. I was going to follow him, but right as I was about to…

Polly stops dead in her tracks. She looks down to her feet. A cat looks right up at her.

POLLY

(V.O.) I met Sonya.

Polly crouches down. Sonya nuzzles itself into Polly. Polly blushes.

POLLY

(V.O.) I didn’t really get why… I still don’t… but Sonya liked me. She liked me right away. And…

Polly takes Sonya in her arms. Sonya boops Polly’s nose. Polly laughs softly.

POLLY

(V.O.) … I liked Sonya a lot too.

INT. MONSTROPOLIS, ANIMAL SHELTER – FLASHBACK, AFTERNOON

“NOVEMBER 1ST (THREE YEARS AGO) - > NOVEMBER 1ST (TWO YEARS AGO)”

Polly returns to the room. A year has passed, so she’s a lot more comfortable with the cats.

POLLY

(V.O.) I visited Sonya at least a few times a month. Sometimes even once a week. Being dead, it’s easy to disconnect with things. I sort of felt like I didn’t exist, even if I did. Maybe that’s why I loved Sonya so much… It was like, I felt a connection with her.

Polly looks around the room. Her happiness turns to worry, since despite looking, she can’t find Sonya.

POLLY

(V.O.) I…

A nurse comes in the room and gets Polly’s attention. She has a grave expression on her face.

INT. ANIMAL SHELTER, MEDICAL ROOM – CONTINUOUS 

Polly enters the room, petrified.

On a hospital bed lies Sonya. She’s hooked up with an IV, looking extremely sick. A doctor’s monitoring her condition.

POLLY

(V.O.) I cared for her.

Polly hazards a trembling hand toward Sonya. Sonya gathers the dregs of her strength and nuzzles Polly’s hand.

POLLY

(V.O.) …I loved her so much.

Suddenly, she loses strength. Polly’s eyes widen. The doctor motions for Polly to exit the room. He’s serious. The nurse beside her puts on gloves.

The medical professionals close the door. Polly sits outside.

polly

(V.O.) I didn’t know. They never told me Sonya was pregnant.

Hours later, the doctors come out of the room. Polly jumps up only to see… regret in their eyes. The nurse takes her mask off. She shakes her head slightly.

Tears well up in Polly’s eyes.

POLLY

(V.O.) Complications during labour. Apparently, Sonya was a weak cat. I never knew. She was so energetic… she pounced on me whenever she saw me. I’ll never forget her.

Polly collapses on the ground, sobbing loudly. The employees who know her look on in sorrow.

POLLY

(V.O.) And, you know what? I think… in her final moments… she didn’t forget me either.

The doctor steps forward and gets Polly’s attention. He crouches down to meet her eye to eye.

POLLY

(V.O.) A part of me knows that I’m probably just projecting because of my grief here, but… I think Sonya knew that I’d be lonely without her.

In the doctor’s hands…

POLLY

(V.O.) That’s why even though she had six children… five of which died in her womb… the very last thing she did was make sure at least one would survive.

… a small kitten. Just born.

POLLY

(V.O.) The doctor says it was a miracle. I think it’s a testament to Sonya’s strength.

Polly looks in awe at the new life before her.

INT. MONSTROPOLIS, ANIMAL SHELTER – FLASHBACK, AFTERNOON

“NOVEMBER 1ST (TWO YEARS AGO) - > NOVEMBER 1ST (ONE YEAR AGO)”

We return to Polly, a year ago, nuzzling Magnus.

POLLY

(V.O.) They let me name him. I gave him the strongest name I could. I knew he needed to be strong… he had to survive without his mother. 

Polly pulls away from Magnus. There are tears in her eyes.

POLLY

(V.O.) I know the people working there fully expected me to adopt him. They thought I was going to adopt Sonya too… maybe they hoped for it. It broke my heart that I couldn’t. This was deeper than just my apartment not allowing cats…

Polly looks down at her arm. Her ghostly form is subtly warped by spectral scars. Needle marks… evidence of drug use.

POLLY

(V.O.) I knew that no matter how much I loved Sonya and Magnus… I’d end up killing them. I knew in my heart I wasn’t ready to care for something as precious as a life. But…

INT. MONSTROPOLIS, ANIMAL SHELTER – FLASHBACK, AFTERNOON

“NOVEMBER 1ST (ONE YEAR AGO) - > OCTOBER 31ST”

Polly’s in the same room, cradling Magnus. Now though, there’s no sorrow in her gaze. She’s resolved.

POLLY

(V.O.) Things were different. I felt like… I was ready to change. I wanted Magnus in my life. And…

Polly looks to the door, where Oz stands. He nods at Polly. Polly nods back.

POLLY

(V.O.) …I wasn’t alone.

polly

I’m gonna do it. I’m going to change.

ACT TWO

INT. POLLY’S APARTMENT, POLLY’S ROOM – FLASHBACK, MORNING 

“OCTOBER 31ST \- > NOVEMBER 1ST”

Oz stands above Polly, who’s still sleeping in her bed.

OZ

(V.O.) You know, you _say_ that… and I’m sure you meant it, and you really wanted to, but…

Oz looks on his watch… 8AM. He rustles Polly a little to wake her up.

OZ

Hey, Polly… wake up…

Polly mumbles and turns over.

OZ

(V.O.) Old habits die hard. And if you wanted to change…

Oz walks over to the blinds and whips them open. Polly recoils from the sudden sun.

POLLY

AAGH! Shut the fuckin’ blinds!

OZ

Nope.

OZ

(V.O.) You needed those old habits to die. Stuff like…

Cut to Oz painstakingly dragging Polly out of bed. This takes several attempts.

OZ

(V.O.) Waking up at 3PM…

INT. POLLY’S APARTMENT, BATHROOM – CONTINUOUS

Polly brushes her teeth. She looks around to see if Oz can see her and reaches in a drawer to find an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.

OZ

(V.O.) Brushing your teeth and then making your teeth dirty again like, immediately…

As Polly goes to reach for the bottle, Oz taps her on the shoulder. He scolds her.

INT. POLLY’S APARTMENT, POLLY’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS

After a shower, Polly goes to pick her usual skimpy clothing.

oz

(V.O.) Dressing like every day is mardi gras…

Oz cuts in to hand her something more professional. Polly raises an eyebrow, to which Oz responds by putting up printed copies of Polly’s C.V. Polly realizes what she’s going to have to do today.

Polly jumps back in bed. Oz drags her out.

INT. POLLY’S APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM – CONTINOUS

OZ

(V.O.) But most importantly…

Polly, dressed in the professional outfit, is on her couch reading her C.V., bored.

OZ

(V.O.) Giving up on stuff as soon as it gets hard.

Oz comes in and sits next to her with a cup of coffee in hand. He sets it down on the coffee table, a few of his phobias hop in it and start drinking it. He opens his laptop, which was on the coffee table from the start, and clicks around on it. Polly notices the file labeled “POLLY CV” was “LAST EDITED: TODAY 3:35 AM”. Oz looks more than a little tired himself. He yawns. Polly understands Oz must’ve stayed up all night for her sake and resumes reading the C.V. with renewed passion… but not before reaching between the couch cushions and grabbing a joint, which Oz swipes away.

POLLY

Come on, let me have just a _little_!

OZ

Vera said _none._ You’re stone sober right now, right?

Polly clicks her tongue.

OZ

_Right?_

POLLY

Unfortunately, yes.

OZ

Great! Good job, Polly.

Oz gives Polly a thumbs up. Polly’s annoyed.

OZ

Now, let’s get to work.

Oz puts a notepad on the desk. There’s a list of stores written on it. Polly takes it and sighs.

POLLY

I can’t believe I’m _actually_ gonna get a job…

OZ

Let me stop you right there. You’re not going to _get_ a job.

POLLY

What are you talking about? Isn’t that what you _want_? (EXCITED) Wait, are you saying I can give up if I don’t??

OZ

No.

POLLY

Then what the hell?!

OZ

Polly, I don’t want you to say, “I’ll _get_ a job”. The point of this experiment is to make you take agency over your life. You… will _earn_ a job.

BEAT.

POLLY

That’s so stupid.

OZ

Word choice is important.

POLLY

It isn’t.

oz

It is, specifically because I don’t want you to think this is going to be easy.

POLLY

Oz, this’ll be a piece of cake. All I gotta do is find the horniest manager I can and--

OZ

No. You’re not doing that.

POLLY

Why, what’s the problem?

OZ

I literally _just_ said you need to _earn_ a job. “Flashing the manager” is not how you _earn_ anything.

POLLY

Flashing? I never said I’d flash him, come on!

OZ

Oh? Then what’s your plan?

POLLY

I meant I’d find the horniest manager and…

OZ

And…?

POLLY

Fuck him.

Oz facepalms with both hands and groans loudly.

polly

What?? It’s a solid plan!

OZ

Polly, that’s disgusting!

POLLY

So? _I’m_ disgusting—

OZ

You’re NOT!

Oz yells. Polly pulls back a little.

OZ

Stop saying that about yourself! You’re NOT disgusting! How long are you going to keep thinking like this? Polly.

Oz puts a hand on Polly’s shoulder. As Oz touches her, there’s a glow around his hand. Polly’s eyes widen as she registers it.

OZ

You’re worth so much more than what you give yourself credit for. There’s a wonderful… mature… self-confident and self-reliant woman hidden _somewhere_ in there. It’s there! I can _see_ it! You just have to see it too. If you want to change… that’s all it takes.

Polly sighs. She’s at least a _little_ motivated.

OZ

And… in case you forgot, you owe me a date. I beat you at chess, after all.

polly

I _guess_ , but--… wait. You’re not saying--

OZ

We’re gonna go all over town, see a bunch of different places… sounds like a date to me.

POLLY

Sounds like _busywork,_ are you _actually_ wasting your one chance to go on a date with me to force me to get a job?!

OZ

Yep. Proudly, too.

Oz’ resolve has motivated Polly even further.

POLLY

Fine… Let’s do it your way.

MONTAGE – POLLY TRIES TO GET A JOB

A- Polly tries to get a job at a coffee shop. The manager makes her try it out. She seems good at it at first, she’s cheerful and affable. Her first customer rattles off an insanely long order. Polly nods, seemingly writing it down. Reverse: she’s written down “WATER”. The manager isn’t impressed.

B- Polly tries to get a job as a tutor. She teaches the kid she’s tutoring chemistry, and the kid seems receptive to it. A little later, the mom comes back to find Polly and the kid playing video games. The mom chews Polly out.

C- … as a yard worker. She immediately hates it. The person who’s yard she was supposed to mow checks on her to see Polly’s mowed like, one centimeter of the yard and is now just sunbathing.

D- … as a movie theater usher. She ushers the first few people but doesn’t come out of the viewing room to usher the next group. The manager bursts in to find Polly just watching the movie with everyone else.

E- … as a dog walker. She really likes it! Until the leash phases through her.

F- … as a receptionist. Polly gets bored and just hangs up on whoever calls.

END MONTAGE

EXT. OUTSIDE PAPA FAUN’S PIZZERIA – AFTERNOON

Polly stands outside the Pizzeria trying her hardest to not just up and leave. Oz is beside her.

oz

Alright! Um… 15th time’s the charm! How are you feeling, Polly?

POLLY

Oz…

Polly is severely unmotivated.

POLLY

Can I give up, already?

OZ

No.

POLLY

Oz, PLEASE! I’ve been failing all day! I’m SICK of it!

OZ

Polly, I told you this’d be hard.

POLLY

Not THIS hard! Is this what having a job’s like?! This shit SUCKS!

oz

Technically you don’t even _have_ a job yet.

POLLY

Oz, I swear to god, I am _way_ too hot to struggle this fucking much.

OZ

Polly, of _course_ you’re hot. Everybody knows you’re hot.

POLLY

… Thanks?

OZ

And its not like your looks will fade or anything! You’re dead, you’ll be hot forever!

POLLY

Thanks… uh, where are you going with this?

OZ

Polly, the point is: no one CARES. No one will respect you for just being hot. If you want to earn respect from people… you need to become someone worth respecting. And that starts by struggling… _and_ it starts by getting a job.

POLLY

Oz, I can’t even _name_ a single person who’s respect I want _this_ much.

oZ

I can. I know someone who’s respect its worth this much struggle to earn.

POLLY

Really? Who?

OZ

Polly Geist. Yourself.

Polly cringes.

POLLY

That was _so_ fucking corny, dude…

OZ

Yeah! Yeah, it was incredibly corny. But its true. This is for yourself, and for no one else. Polly…

Oz hands Polly a copy of her CV.

OZ

Are you ready?

Polly sighs and takes the CV from his hands.

POLLY

(SIGHING) Why do you even _want_ me to work here anyway?

OZ

What, did you wanna work at Barnes & Noble?

POLLY

What the fuck is a “Barnes & Noble”?

OZ

Exactly. Polly, just listen to my reasoning here. You’re a good cook, right?

POLLY

… I mean, I guess? I know how to cook crack if that’s what you’re asking.

OZ

That’s not what I’m asking, and I’m unsure of how you could misconstrue what I asked into what you answered.

POLLY

What can I say? I’m… actually, I’m not high. I’m fucking totally sober for the first time in ever. This sucks.

OZ

 _Anyway._ You’re a good cook.

POLLY

I guess.

OZ

And you’re likeable.

POLLY

I suppose.

OZ

And you like Papa Faun’s!

POLLY

The Logo’s cute.

OZ

More importantly: you have zero work experience, you’re still in high school and you can’t drive since you can’t have a license because you’re non-corporeal. Considering all this, the highest paying place that would hire a student, within walking distance of our school, and that would make use of your skillset is right here. So! Go in there and ask them about the job. Your interview is in five minutes.

POLLY

I’ve got an _interview_ in five minutes?!

OZ

Go! Come on!

Oz pushes Polly toward the door.

POLLY

I’m going alright?! I’m gonna hand them the stupid paper, don’t get mad at me when I don’t get this job!

Polly walks into the pizzeria.

POLLY

(V.O.) Man… I did not want this job. This really felt like the bottom of the barrel. Honestly, out of everything I tried that day I immediately hated this one the most… so of COURSE…

INT. PAPA FAUN’S PIZZERIA – MORNING

“NOVEMBER 1ST \- > NOVEMBER 2ND”

Polly is in the kitchen, head in her hands. She’s got the Papa faun’s outfit on. Her nameplate says “Polly Geist”.

POLLY

(V.O.) … It’s the one I got.

POLLY

(FRUSTRATED) How the fuck did I get this job…

???

Hey! Language!

Polly jumps in fear.

POLLY

AAAH! Wh-who said that?!

???

I did.

Polly looks around trying to find the source of the voice.

???

Back here.

Polly hears it coming from something on the shelf, behind some pizza boxes. She pushes the boxes aside--

???

BOO!

POLLY

AAAAAAAAH!!

???

Heheheh, gotcha! Geez, for a ghost you sure are jumpy…

There’s a severed head, right there on the shelf.

POLLY

M-… manager?

MANAGER

That’s me!

polly

Wh-where’s your--?!

MANAGER

Body? It’s right there.

Polly notices the headless body in a Papa Faun’s manager uniform next to her. She jumps again.

POLLY

WOAH!

MANAGER

Hahaha!

The headless body grabs the head from the shelf.

MANAGER

Ah… never gets old.

POLLY

Did you just prank me?

MANAGER

Actually, I was observing you. You know, making sure you were doing your job.

BEAT.

MANAGER

And I took the opportunity to prank you. Guilty!

The manager laughs. Polly is a little apprehensive.

MANAGER

Cheer up a little! we’re joking here, right? Loosen up!

POLLY

Ms. Greene--

MS. GREENE

Just call me Penny, Ms. Greene is _way_ too formal. I’m barely any older than you are, you know.

POLLY

P-Penny… Ok, can I ask a weird question?

PENNY

Sure, I love weird.

POLLY

… Which do I talk to? Do I talk to the head or, like…?

Polly points to the neck stump on Penny’s body.

PENNY

The…

Penny bursts out laughing.

PENNY

Oh man, that’s a new one!

Polly starts laughing a little too.

PENNY

Phew… here, let me make it easy for you.

Penny grabs a green ribbon from her back pocket and attaches her head to her neck with it.

PENNY

Alright. This works right?

POLLY

U-uhh…

Penny attached her head on backwards.

PENNY

What’s wrong? Hey. Talk to me, Geist.

POLLY

It’s… Um…

PENNY

Ah, well if there’s nothing wrong…!

Penny over-emphatically walks over to the counter.

PENNY

Guess I’ll just get customer’s orders like this! Nothin’ wrong here, right? Hum-dee-dum…

POLLY

(LAUGHING) Wait!

Polly grabs Penny’s arm.

PENNY

Uh-oh. Is something wrong?

POLLY

Are you pranking me again?

PENNY

Pranking you? Hold on let me turn around… Pranking you??

POLLY

(GIGGLING) Oh my god…

PENNY

I would never!

Polly bursts out laughing.

PENNY

There you go!

Penny spins her head around so it’s on straight.

PENNY

You feel a little better now, right? Nice and relaxed.

Polly’s smile turns sheepish.

PENNY

First rule of customer service: smile. People are gonna think our Pizza stinks if you go out frowning like that!

POLLY

Um… sorry, Ms. Gree--

PENNY

Penny.

POLLY

Penny… It’s just this is my first job, so, uh… I’m kinda nervous.

PENNY

You also don’t wanna work here, that doesn’t help either…

POLLY

U-Uh--!!

PENNY

Don’t worry about it, Polly, I totally get it. You just started; I’m not expecting you to love it from day one. I’m not even expecting you to love it from _week_ one. _Month_ one is kinda pushing it though.

POLLY

What about you? When did you start… _loving_ work?

PENNY

About three months in.

POLLY

Three months?!

PENNY

(WINKING) I was kinda pushing it.

POLLY

Oh, you’re… kidding?

PENNY

Who knows! Anyway--

Penny puts a hand on Polly’s shoulder but shivers a little.

PENNY

Wow! Cold!

POLLY

I know, I’m pretty cold…

PENNY

No kidding, haha!

An order comes up on the screen above them.

PENNY

Extra-Large meat lovers pizza. Why don’t you make it?

POLLY

Are you sure? I’m--

PENNY

Non-corporeal? You seem pretty corporeal to me…

Penny grabs Polly’s shoulders and shakes her a little.

PENNY

Give it a shot, alright? Ok?

POLLY

… Fine.

PENNY

There we go!

Penny walks off, leaving Polly alone.

POLLY

(V.O.) Penny didn’t know but I was actually a big fan of cooking. I barely do it, since… Actually…

Polly starts making the Pizza. She crafts the pie with surprising efficiency.

POLLY

(V.O.) …I’m not entirely sure why.

Polly kind of starts to enjoy herself.

Penny notices Polly going at it and whistles to herself, impressed.

Cut to Polly putting the pizza in the oven.

POLLY

(V.O.) Honestly, I thought it turned out pretty good. I’m sure it was delicious. Or at least…

INT. PAPA FAUN’S PIZZERIA, DINING ROOM – A LITTLE LATER

Cut to Polly standing over the table Vicky and Scott sat at. She stares sadly down at the Pizza Scott ruined with a pile of powdered sugar.

POLLY

(V.O.) … I’m sure it would’ve been.

Polly sighs. Penny runs over and winces.

PENNY

Yeesh… What a waste.

POLLY

Whatever, I still got paid.

Penny wipes the powdered sugar off the pizza and grabs a slice.

POLLY

Woah, hey! Don’t eat that it’s--!

Penny takes a bite of it.

POLLY

(TRAILING OFF) Ruined…

Penny chews it and grimaces.

PENNY

Wh-what is this, powdered sugar?

POLLY

Yeah… my dumb friend wanted to make my other dumb friend stop doing drugs.

PENNY

Woah. Heavy.

POLLY

Right? Not something you go to Papa Faun’s for…

PENNY

I don’t know… it’s not so crazy to me.

Penny eats more of the Pizza.

POLLY

You don’t have to force yourself, Penny.

PENNY

Force? Who’s forcing who? I’m your boss, remember? I’m just taste testing your first Pizza.

Penny finishes the slice.

PENNY

And… it’s damn good.

Polly looks touched by Penny’s compliment. Penny smiles at her and pats her back.

PENNY

Alright, champ. Back to the kitchen, Lunch rush is about to start.

POLLY

Lunch rush?

PENNY

Hahaha! Oh man, you’re, uh… you’re gonna hate it.

POLLY

That’s fine. I already hate this job, right?

Penny laughs.

PENNY

(SERIOUS)… No, but seriously.

Penny points to outside. There’s a full line of customers waiting to get in. All the color drains from Polly’s face.

PENNY

Hope you like making Pizzas!

POLLY

I think I might learn to hate it today…

polly

(V.O.) And uh, yeah. Yeah, that was hell. Let’s just skip that part…

INT. POLLY’S APARTMENT – EVENING

Polly’s on her dining table at home, tired and bored.

POLLY

(V.O.) Actually… this part sucks too…

She’s got her textbook open in front of her. Oz sits in front of her, tutoring her.

OZ

\--So you see, Polly, if you use this equation…

Polly groans and pushes the textbook away.

OZ

Polly, pay attention.

POLLY

Whyyyyyy…? There’s not even a test coming up, why are we studying?!

OZ

What do you mean? You’re supposed to study every day.

BEAT.

POLLY

Don’t fuck with me.

OZ

It’s true, you’re supposed to.

POLLY

Do _you_ do that?

OZ

Yeah…?

POLLY

Bullshit!

OZ

I do!

POLLY

You really study _every_ single day?

OZ

…

POLLY

Oz…?

OZ

I uh… I do it on _most_ days.

POLLY

Ha! I knew it!

OZ

Don’t do as I do, do as I say!

polly

Oz, face it. This is _way_ too high a bar for me. No way can I have a job _and_ go to school on time _and_ study at night, it’s impossible!

OZ

I don’t think it is.

Oz stares straight at Polly.

OZ

There’s no way you can’t do this. I believe in you.

Polly gets quiet. Oz flips over to the next page on the book he’s teaching Polly about.

POLLY

… Whatever.

Polly turns back to the book.

OZ

(V.O.) I think that must’ve been the fifth time I told you I believed in you.

POLLY

(V.O.) Yeah… I didn’t buy it though. I thought it was just lip-service. So much is, you know…

INT. PAPA FAUN’S PIZZERIA – EVENING 

“NOVEMBER 2ND \- > NOVEMBER 3RD”

Polly yawns while cleaning the store.

POLLY

(V.O.) Everything around me felt fake.

Penny comes out of the back and gets Polly’s attention.

PENNY

Hey hey! Second day on the job, how are you feeling?

POLLY

Sucks.

PENNY

Haha! I guess two days isn’t enough, huh? Let’s check back in on day three.

POLLY

You don’t have to. It’ll still suck.

PENNY

You never know! Maybe Beyoncé’ll come here on day three.

POLLY

Right…

Penny notices Polly’s spent. She thinks for a bit and gets an idea.

PENNY

Here, why don’t we switch it up?

POLLY

Switch it up?

PENNY

Yeah, why don’t you run deliveries tonight?

POLLY

Deliveries. Penny, I’m--

PENNY

Non-corporeal, I know. Obviously I’m not gonna put you behind a wheel, you can just do deliveries within walking distance. It’ll be fun! You’ll get some air. What do you say?

POLLY

… Penny, why are you asking my opinion? You’re my boss.

PENNY

Am I, though?

POLLY

Yes.

PENNY

Yep. Put on a coat, it’s a little cold tonight.

Polly sighs and rolls her eyes.

EXT. MONSTROPOLIS, OUTSIDE COSTUME PARTY – A LITTLE LATER

Polly walks along a street with a coat and many pizzas in her hands.

POLLY

(V.O.) I know Penny meant well. And in some small way, maybe it did help to be able to get out of the restaurant a little. But… I wonder what would’ve happened if…

Polly stops and walks up the steps to her destination. Loud music blares from inside. This is obviously a party. Polly sighs. She presses the doorbell.

POLLY

(V.O.) She had sent me anywhere but here.

A werewolf in a costume we can’t see yet opens the door. Polly’s expression drops when she sees him.

???

Yoo! Thanks for the ‘Zas, delivery girl!

The werewolf’s eyes widen when she sees Polly.

???

Wait…

The werewolf who ordered the Pizzas from Polly… is her ex-boyfriend.

POLLY’S EX-BOYFRIEND

… Polly-pie?

polly

(V.O.) Now you may be wondering, who is this guy?

OZ

(V.O.) Uh, Polly? I don’t know if we need to give _that_ guy a backstory…

POLLY

(V.O.) Don’t worry it’ll be quick.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CAFETERIA - NOON

“NOVEMBER 3RD \- > OCTOBER 3rd (THREE YEARS AGO)”

Polly is sitting alone in the cafeteria. A werewolf comes and sits next to her.

WEREWOLF

Hey. Polly, right?

Polly doesn’t answer.

WEREWOLF

Cool. That’s a sexy name.

Polly doesn’t answer.

WEREWOLF

Do you wanna date?

Polly doesn’t answer… but then she rolls her eyes and shrugs.

The werewolf jumps to his feet.

POLLY’S BOYFRIEND

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSS!!!

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CAFETERIA – NOON

“OCTOBER 3rd (THREE YEARS AGO) - > OCTOBER 10TH (THREE YEARS AGO)

POLLY’S EX-BOYFRIEND

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

The werewolf is on his knees, crying. Polly sits at a table adjacent.

POLLY’S EX-BOYFRIEND

Why are you breaking up with me?! W-… we had so much CHEMISTRY!

Polly doesn’t answer.

POLLY’S EX-BOYFRIEND

Polly… I loved you! How could you break my heart like this?!

Polly doesn’t answer.

POLLY’S EX-BOYFRIEND

I’ll never forgive you--!

The werewolf runs away crying. Polly doesn’t say a word.

OZ

(V.O.) Uh … 

POLLY

(V.O.) See? I told you it’d be quick.

EXT. OUTSIDE COSTUME PARTY – EVENING 

“OCTOBER 10TH (THREE YEARS AGO) - > NOVEMBER 3RD”

Resume on Polly, eyes wide before her ex-boyfriend.

ex

Polly-pie? Is that you?

Polly squints her eyes.

POLLY

Oh, sorry. I thought you were Scott or something. Here are your pizzas.

Polly drops the pizzas in her Ex’s hands and makes to leave.

POLLY

Later.

EX

Polly, wait!

The ex runs up to Polly and grabs her arm. Polly glares at him.

POLLY

What do you want, man? I gotta get back to work.

ex

You’re working? _You?_

POLLY

… Yeah?

Polly’s ex bursts out laughing. Polly sighs.

EX

S-… seriously?!

POLLY

Yeah!

EX

Dude, that sucks! Why are you working, you’re hot!

POLLY

Good question…

EX

Polly, Polly, listen… Don’t go back to that stupid ass job. You gotta stay here! I’m running this party right now and I _need_ your help.

POLLY

A party, huh…

EX

Yeah, it’s a total rager, but I can’t lie its not at the life-defining, ultimate party level just yet.

POLLY

Why, what’s up?

EX

Hear this, it’s a costume party, right? Where you dress up as--

POLLY

Your favorite humans, right?

EX

Yeah! I’m going as a tax evader, as I’m sure you can tell.

The ex’s outfit is pretty generic all things considered.

POLLY

That’s a pretty sweet tax evader outfit, I can’t lie…

EX

I even have tax form-print blunt wraps!

The ex rolls a joint with a tax form and lights it up.

EX

‘Cause fuck these things!

Polly

Dude, sick!

EX

It’s SO sick! Problem is… not everyone is seeing how sick it is.

POLLY

No way, really??

EX

Dude, they don’t see it! They don’t see how sick this tax evader outfit _obviously_ is!

POLLY

But it’s _perfect_! That’s _exactly_ what a tax evader looks like!

Once again, the outfit is very nondescript.

EX

It’s so lame, dude… You gotta help me, Polly. What’s this costume missing?!

Polly thinks to herself.

POLLY

(V.O.) If I was smart, I would’ve just left right there. I didn’t even remember this guy, honestly. I had no reason to help him. It’s just…

Polly looks at the party happening right behind the door in front of her. Her pupils widen slightly.

POLLY

(V.O.) God damn it, I was so sick of trying so hard for the past few days. I couldn’t handle it; I was like a pressure valve waiting to burst. It was like… I was holding in my breath for like a _week_. I just needed to breathe.

Polly has an idea. She motions to her Ex and whispers in his ear.

EX

Yo…

POLLY

Right? It’s a good idea!

EX

That’s… so… sick! I have the outfit too, it came with this tax evader outfit.

POLLY

Score!

EX

Now if only we could find a whip--

A dominatrix crashes through one of the windows and passes out right next to Polly and her ex. Polly and her ex look at each other and smirk.

INT. COSTUME PARTY – A LITTLE LATER

Polly’s Ex is inside partying. One of the partygoers taps him on the shoulder.

PARTYGOER

Dude, what’s your costume supposed to be?

EX

Funny you should ask! Truth is… I can’t tell you.

PARTYGOER

Woah… why not?

EX

‘Cause…

The ex gets close to the partygoer and speaks ominously.

EX

… I’m running from the law.

PARTYGOER

Woah…

Another partygoer overhears this.

PARTYGOER 2

What are you running from though? Did you kill somebody?

EX

Ew! No? I’m not crazy. Also, like, five guys here are dressed as the zodiac killer, it’s so played out.

Pan over to five dudes all in different outfits.

PARTYGOER

I hate zodiac killer outfits. They all have different theories.

EX

Nah, nah… I can’t tell you what I did.

PARTYGOER 2

Tell us!

EX

Alright Alright, get in close…

The partygoers get in close.

EX

I lied on my 1040.

PARTYGOER

Woah… so you’re a—

EX

A tax evader, yeah. Don’t tell anybody.

The two partygoers look at each other.

BEAT.

PARTYGOERS

(SIMULTANEOUS) THIS GUY’S A TAX EVADER!

The party stops. The DJ (Incidentally, it’s the same DJ that went to Vera’s party) stops the music. A shadow appears from the crowd.

POLLY

(O.S.) Well, well, well…

POLLY

(V.O.) I know how bad I look right now. But listen, the plan was actually pretty good. I knew that if my ex made his costume seem like a secret, these drunk idiots would yell it out. Second they do that… the stage is set for me to do my thing.

Polly cracks her whip. She’s dressed as a tax attorney… a very skimpy tax attorney. Polly points the whip to her ex.

POLLY

Halt, tax evader!

EX

(PRETENDING) H-huh??? Oh no! My secret is OUT!

polly

You stand accused of VIOLATING the Article 69 of the Tax PENAL Code!

Polly sashays toward her ex and knocks him down on a chair.

POLLY

The fine is one thousand human dollars…

Polly winks and cracks her whip again.

POLLY

Payable in spankings.

BEAT.

PARTYGOER

I’M A TAX EVADER TOO!

PARTYGOER 2

What?! SO AM I!

Soon enough the entire party is confessing to unpaid taxes.

POLLY

(V.O.) And that’s how you turn a hum-drum party into something NONE of these guys will ever forget.

Cut to Polly partying with everyone and whipping random people.

POLLY

(V.O.) What can I say? Partying’s in my blood. I’m naturally the best at it… It’s wrong for me to deprive myself of my one true talent. That’s…

After a while, though, Polly looks around at all the debauchery beside her and visibly seems uncomfortable. Polly’s ex hands her a beer and she… doesn’t drink it.

POLLY

(V.O.) … That’s sort of what I started telling myself.

INT. POLLY’S APARTMENT – LATE NIGHT

Polly returns to her apartment. She tries to sneak in and not make noise, but before she opens the door to her room…

OZ

(O.S.) Polly?

The lights turn on.

Oz is in the middle of the living room, rubbing his eyes. 

OZ

Polly…

POLLY

U-uh… hi! Oz?

OZ

Are you ok? Why are you back so late?

POLLY

I…

Polly panics.

POLLY

Um, I--

OZ

Polly…?

BEAT.

POLLY

… I had a late shift.

OZ

You…

POLLY

Y-yep! Haha, uh… worked late tonight. Sorry, if I… woke you up…

Oz breathes a sigh of relief.

OZ

Thank god…

POLLY

Yeah, thank god I didn’t like, go to a par--

OZ

(GENUINE) Thank god you’re safe.

Polly is taken aback.

POLLY

I’m…

OZ

I was _really_ worried something happened to you. Geez! Haha, text me when you work late, you know how fussy I am!

POLLY

… You were worried about me?

OZ

Yes, of course. Why? Should I be worried about something else?

POLLY

No! No…

OZ

Polly, I trust you. I just can’t help but worry you’ll be in danger when you come back so late. Let me know, alright? I’m here for you.

There’s a hint of guilt in Polly’s gaze.

OZ

Could you promise me?

POLLY

… I promise.

INT. POLLY’S APARTMENT, POLLY’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Polly falls on her bed, staring sadly into the empty space in front of her.

POLLY

(V.O.) Oz… did you know?

OZ

(V.O.) Nope. It didn’t even enter my mind in the slightest.

POLLY

(V.O.) I see…

OZ

(V.O.) Why? Disappointed?

POLLY

(V.O.) No, no. I… I guess I just wanted to imagine a world where you came in my room and confronted me… and we avoided the next two days.

OZ

(V.O.) … Yeah.

INT. OUTSIDE PAPA FAUN’S PIZZERIA – AFTERNOON

“NOVEMBER 3RD \- > NOVEMBER 4TH”

Polly’s standing outside Papa Faun’s, with her phone out. It’s revealed she’s texting her Ex. The name on her phone is written as “GUY FROM PARTY”.

polly

(V.O.) When I went to bed the night before, I truly thought that night was the last time I’d party for the next week. I thought… I was ready to handle the challenge. But then I had another rough day at work. Without me realizing… this guy became my crutch.

POLLY

(TEXT) “HEY… ANY PARTIES 2NITE??”

EX

(TEXT) “YEA.. ANODER LAME 1 :\”  
(TEXT) “ITS MY LIL BRO’S BAR MITZVAH”  
(TEXT) “I WANT HIM 2 TURN UP BUT… IDK HOW TO MAKE IT HAPPN”

POLLY

(TEXT) “SAY NO MORE 😈. TIME/LOCATION??”

EX

(TEXT) “👀”  
(TEXT) “ILL SEND!! PARTY MASTER POLLY!! LETS GOOOO”

Polly smirks.

POLLY

(V.O.) It didn’t matter who it was. I didn’t care about him in the slightest. I just needed someone, _anyone_ , to enable me. And… he did.

EXT. BAR MITZVAH – EVENING

Polly parties with her Ex at the bar mitzvah. Everyone turns up to a ridiculous degree.

POLLY

(V.O.) Half of this story is just me explaining myself… Making excuses…

OZ

(V.O.) No, go ahead Polly. We’re not judging you.

POLLY

(V.O.) You should. You should judge me.

Polly and her ex lock eyes. The ex winks at her. Polly giggles a little.

POLLY

(V.O.) I was building a house of cards…

The ex comes and hands her a drink. Polly winks and… waits for him to turn around before dumping the drink on the ground.

POLLY

(V.O.) … just _waiting_ for it to come crashing down.

INT. POLLY’S APARTMENT – LATE EVENING

Polly’s on the couch, fidgeting. Opposite her is Oz, who stands with his arms folded. They stare at one another for a beat.

POLLY

… I’m safe and sound!

OZ

Polly, I know where you were.

BEAT.

POLLY

… I’m safe, though.

OZ

And I’m glad you’re safe.

POLLY

Sweet! Off to bed--

OZ

Not so fast!

POLLY

Ughhh, what do you want dude?

OZ

I want you to explain yourself!

POLLY

Ah… why?

OZ

What do you mean why?! I thought we said--!

POLLY

 _Technically_ , Vera said no _throwing_ parties. I never threw… a single party. I’m in the clear!

OZ

Polly, you know that’s just semantics.

POLLY

And _you_ know that I’m totally right and going to _one_ bar mitzvah doesn’t count. You don’t have to snap at me just ‘cause you’re in the wrong. I won’t hold it against you--

OZ

(FURIOUS) Polly!

Polly jumps back. Oz massages his temple.

OZ

 _When_ are you going to get serious?! I thought you wanted to change! Where’s the change here!

POLLY

(MUTTERING) Shut up…

OZ

What was that?!

POLLY

SHUT UP!

Polly snaps.

POLLY

What are you, my MOM?! QUIT NAGGING ME!

OZ

I won’t!

POLLY

I’m an adult! If I want to fucking party I’ll do it! END of story!

OZ

We had HIGH hopes for you, Polly! We really thought that this would finally be the time you changed for the better! You finally started living right!

POLLY

I HATE living “right”! I go to a job I hate every day, I come back home and study stupid shit I don’t care about, I’m always exhausted, I’M SICK OF IT! All I want is just a little break from this hell I’ve been stuck in, is that so wrong?!

oz

If it was too much for you you should've just _told_ me! I'm here for you, I want to _help_ you! You didn't _have_ to go sneak off, doing god knows what--

POLLY

Oh, I'll tell you what I _wasn't_ doing: breaking my promise! That's right: I haven’t drunk even a _sip_ of alcohol at any of the parties I’ve been to!

OZ

… Parties… _plural?_

POLLY

… Shit.

OZ

How many parties have you been to?!

POLLY

… Two--

OZ

POLLY!

POLLY

SHUT THE FUCK UP! My life has done nothing but suck ass since the _moment_ I met you! I am SICK and tired of you always yapping at me, It’s IRRITATING! I’m DEAD, you hear me?! I can do whatever I want, WHENEVER I want! I am NOT wasting my afterlife doing shit I NEVER EVEN DID WHEN I HAD A PULSE! FUCK YOU _AND_ YOUR STUPID, DUMB, STUPID, DUMB FUCK BET!

Polly breathes heavily, incensed. Oz looks disappointed.

OZ

Polly… I thought you wanted a cat.

Polly reaches a new level of anger.

POLLY

Don’t you dare say… another _fucking_ word about that cat. I’ll rip your head off.

Polly storms off into her room.

INT. POLLY’S APARTMENT, POLLY’S ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Polly drops onto her bed, face down on her pillow.

OZ

(V.O.) Polly… I want to apologize. I definitely crossed the line when I brought up Magnus.

POLLY

(V.O.) … It's ok. Regardless… This was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

INT. FUNERAL – EVENING

“NOVEMBER 4TH \- > NOVEMBER 5TH”

A grieving family is gathered for a funeral. The sorrow is thick and palpable.

POLLY

(V.O.) I skipped work that day. Told Penny I was sick. It didn’t matter. I just wanted to escape. The last thing on my mind was the bet and Magnus…

Someone comes up in front of the casket and speaks.

Grieving man

Does anyone else want to say a few words?

POLLY

(V.O.) I don’t know what I became.

The corpse of the man whose funeral this is slowly rises from the casket.

DEAD MAN

… Ooh! Me!

Everyone is dead silent. Petrified in shock.

BEAT.

DEAD MAN

TURN DOWN FOR WHAAAAAAAT!!

Polly’s Ex presses play on a party playlist and blasts it through some speakers. The dead man jumps out of the casket and starts twerking.

BEAT.

INT. FUNERAL – EVENING

“NOVEMBER 5TH \- > NOVEMBER 5TH … HALF AN HOUR LATER”

Everyone at the funeral is turning the fuck up.

WIDOW

WOOOOOOOO!

The funeral has been turned into a wild party. The dead man, who was grinding on a random girl, lurches and falls in a pile. Polly comes out of him.

The party stops.

POLLY

… What?

The party shrugs.

The party resumes.

POLLY

HELL FUCKIN’ YEAAAA! I’M GONNA LIVE _FOREVER!_

EXT. MONSTROPOLIS, ALLEYWAY – LATE NIGHT

Polly’s walking through an alleyway with her Ex. Her Ex is stumbling around, clearly heavily inebriated.

EX

Polllyyy… That was a ragerr…

POLLY

Heheh, hell yeah it was!

EX

PollyyyyyYy…

POLLY

Uh, you alright, man?

ex

Poll--

The ex stomps over to Polly and slams her against the wall.

POLLY

AGH!

The ex holds Polly’s hands up and traps her.

EX

Polly… do you remember me?

POLLY

(FRIGHTENED) U-uh…

EX

I knew it…

The ex chuckles.

EX

You do, don’t you?

The ex caresses Polly’s cheek. He looks at her with Lecherous eyes. Polly tries to escape his grasp, to no avail.

EX

This whole time… you couldn’t forget me, could you?

polly

(FRIGHTENED) S-… stop… Let me go!

EX

I knew it… I knew you loved me all along…

The ex’s hands lower… He strokes her body with his paw. Polly seems on the verge of vomiting.

But, just then…

A heavy object falls on the Ex’s head from the sky.

EX

OW!

The ex stumbles back. He scratches his head and looks down at what fell on him… it’s an opaque bag.

The ex bends down and grabs it. He opens the bag and inside--

PENNY

BOO!

EX

AAAAAAAAAAAH!

The ex jumps back and drops Penny’s head.

PENNY

What’s the matter? You never seen a severed head before?

POLLY

P-Penny…?!

OZ

(O.S., MYSTIC) _Υπνος._

A cursed-looking dark light envelops the Ex. His eyes turn black and he loses consciousness. Oz stands over him.

Polly steps forward, on the brink of tears.

POLLY

O-Oz, I--

Oz runs over and hugs Polly.

oz

I’m sorry… I’m sorry…!

Tears well up in Oz’ eyes.

Polly goes quiet… and cries softly into his shoulder.

BEAT.

PENNY

This is sweet and everything, but… I’m still down here, you guys.

Polly and Oz don’t move, they just keep hugging one another.

PENNY

Ahhh, I’ll just let this play out. My body’s up there anyway, I was gonna have to wait for it to come down.

Pan up to a building adjacent to the alleyway. Penny’s body waves down from on the roof.

INT. PENNY GREENE’S APARTMENT – BEFORE SUNRISE

Penny Greene, Polly’s Manager, whistles while brewing a cup of tea. She brings it and sits next to Polly, who’s sitting on her couch, traumatized.

PENNY

… Are you ok?

Polly sighs.

PENNY

That was _some_ creep, alright… Don’t you worry, that guy’s going to jail for _sure_. Your boyfriend took him to--

POLLY

He’s not my boyfriend!

Polly looks almost frightened. Her expression turns to deep regret.

PENNY

I-I’m sorry for saying that.

polly

No, I… I shouldn’t have snapped like that.

PENNY

Hey, don’t apologize. If I stepped over a line you gotta tell me.

Polly stays quiet… until she sighs.

POLLY

You know… I got the job at Papa Faun’s because of him. He wrote my CV, and… made me do the interview…

PENNY

Hmm…

POLLY

He helped me clean my apartment. It was a total mess before he came… He stood up to my landlord when she was totally done with me.

Polly looks away wistfully.

POLLY

… He put up with me for so long. He did my homework for a few months… I don’t know _why_ he bothered.

PENNY

Well… however you feel about him, I think the way he feels about you’s pretty obvious.

Penny gives Polly the cup of tea.

PENNY

He likes you.

polly

I know he used to…

PENNY

See?

POLLY

But now? After everything that happened… no. No way he still does. I’m awful.

PENNY

You’re not awful. And he totally likes you, it’s clear as day.

POLLY

Oz isn’t dumb. He has to realize there’s better out there for him… his crush is long dead. He _knows_ I’m a pest.

PENNY

There you go again putting yourself down… See, when I said “like” I didn’t mean it in the “crush” way. I meant “like” in the _real_ way.

POLLY

The… _real_ way?

PENNY

Crushes come and go! Guys’ll come up to you and ask you out for any reason. Those are the guys you avoid: they’re only there buzzing around you to get somethin’ from you. They’re not there for the whole _you,_ they’re after a specific _piece_. Like… maybe you’re real cute, or you’re kinda smart, or rich. But is being those things really what it means to be _“you?”_ No, right? That’s why they’re the worst: because they don’t push you or want you to change, since they never wanted _you_ in the first place. They just wanted to fulfill their own desires.

POLLY

I…

penny

And _then_ … there are guys who _really_ like you. The guys who see the you… _you_ can’t even see. He looks at you and sees the girl you _wish_ you were. Even better… he helps you get there. Because his happiness… is your happiness. _That’s_ really rare.

Polly looks down at the tea, and stares at her reflection.

POLLY

Ms. Greene.

PENNY

Penny.

POLLY

Penny… have you ever met a guy like that?

PENNY

I have.

Penny puts up her hand. There’s an engagement ring on it. She smiles from the bottom of her heart.

PENNY

So trust me when I say… your guy’s like that.

Polly smiles sheepishly. Penny puts her arm around Polly’s shoulder.

POLLY

You know… I can’t _drink_ this tea.

PENNY

I know. It’s for holding. You’re cold… you ought to hold something warm.

POLLY

I’m sorry, but I can’t…

Polly stares at her hands holding the tea.

POLLY

I…

They shake ever so slightly.

PENNY

It’s warm, right?

POLLY

… It’s warm. I think I can feel it… just a little.

Penny smiles at Polly. Polly looks amazed… and deeply touched. She turns to Penny, apologetic.

POLLY

Ms… Penny. I’m sorry I called off work.

PENNY

Ah, water under the bridge.

POLLY

You’re really fine with it?

PENNY

Hey! I’m the manager, I make the rules.

POLLY

I just… I don’t understand. Why are you so nice to me?

Penny gets quiet.

POLLY

You spent so much time trying to… make me comfortable… I couldn’t have been worth it. Why did you do all this for me?

Polly gets a little more serious and looks Penny right in the eyes.

POLLY

Why did you hire me?

Penny smiles.

PENNY

The reason I hired you…

Penny takes her sleeve…

PENNY

Is because, from the moment I saw you, I could tell.

… and pulls it up.

Polly’s eyes widen as she sees Penny’s arm. Penny speaks, with a buried pain in her heart.

PENNY

I could tell you were just like me.

On Penny Greene’s arm… long since faded… scars from needles. Evidence of past drug use.

Polly looks on Penny’s mantle. There’s a card congratulating her on 3 years of sobriety.

PENNY

Polly… anybody can change.

EXT. MONSTROPOLIS, BEACHFRONT - SUNRISE

“NOVEMBER 5TH \- > NOVEMBER 6TH”

Polly sits, staring out at the horizon. The sun’s rising.

Beside her… Oz. He looks out at the same horizon.

Polly turns to him slightly. She stares at him… taking in his form in the morning sun. Oz notices and returns the gaze.

OZ

Congrats.

Polly doesn’t answer.

OZ

The sun is up. You did it… you won the bet.

POLLY

But… Oz…

Polly turns to Oz fully. Oz does the same.

POLLY

I… I went to that party last night. There’s no way I--

OZ

No way you what?

POLLY

There’s no way I didn’t cheat.

OZ

Polly.

Oz takes Polly’s hand. A gentle glow emanates from it.

OZ

There’s not a doubt in my mind that you kept your word.

POLLY

Why… why do you believe in me so much?

OZ

Because, after all this time… After looking at you for so many years… I can finally see.

Oz inches closer to Polly.

OZ

I can see the real you. Not the you I want to be… the you I want to be with. The one… I love.

Polly comes just as close.

POLLY

Do you want to know a secret…? I can’t feel anyone’s touch but yours.

OZ

That’s strange… 

Oz puts a hand on Polly’s cheek.

OZ

… I feel just the same.

Oz and Polly… pull closer together.

On the morning of November 6th, Oz and Polly Geist kissed for the very first time.

This moment belongs to just the two of them.

ACT THREE

INT. MONSTROPOLIS, ANIMAL SHELTER – MORNING

“NOVEMBER 6TH”

Polly stands in the waiting area. Oz is there too. She’s nervous.

OZ

Are you ok?

POLLY

Yeah, I’m… I’m ok.

OZ

Breathe in. You’ll be just fine.

POLLY

Sorry, I… I can’t believe this is actually happening. I’m…

Polly tears up just a little.

POLLY

I’m finally going to adopt Magnus.

OZ

He’s been waiting for this his whole life. You’ll be the best cat mom he could ever imagine.

Polly laughs a little before looking in Oz’ eyes.

POLLY

Oz… I want to thank you. For not… giving up on me.

OZ

I want to thank _you_ just as much. You’re the one who didn’t give up on yourself. You have… truly earned this.

Polly smiles and hugs Oz. After a moment…

An employee comes, cradling Magnus.

Polly gets up and walks over to him.

POLLY

… Hey.

Magnus nuzzles himself in Polly. Polly hugs him tight.

POLLY

I love you…

Magnus meows… and boops Polly’s nose.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CLUBROOM – NOON

“NOVEMBER 6TH \- > NOVEMBER 13TH”

Polly and Oz look in each other’s eyes.

BEAT.

Zoe is in shock.

ZOE

I… I don’t know what to say.

OZ

How about “thank you?” That story was _super_ personal.

POLLY

And pretty painful for me! I was straight up assaulted!

OZ

So appreciate it!

POLLY

Say “Thank you, Oz and Polly”!

MAGNUS

Me-meow!

OZ

Right, AND Magnus!

POLLY

AND Magnus!

ZOE

U-uh… thank you Oz, thank you Polly… thank you Magnus.

Magnus huffs. Oz and Polly laugh and pet him.

ZOE

So… you guys are really dating now, huh…

POLLY

Yeah.

OZ

Yep!

ZOE

I…

Zoe tears up.

ZOE

I’m… I’m so happy…

OZ

Zoe…

Oz tries to get up to comfort Zoe but she interrupts him.

ZOE

Don’t. Oz… I don’t want to insert myself in this any longer. This isn’t about me… This is about you two.

Zoe gets up.

POLLY

Zoe?

ZOE

I’m gonna go… but before I do, promise me you’ll both do your best for one another.

Oz and Polly look at each other and back to Zoe.

OZ

Yeah…

POLLY

… We promise.

Zoe smiles wide.

ZOE

Thanks. Be happy together…

Zoe exits the room.

ZOE

… You guys are my OTP, after all.

She closes the door.

BEAT.

OZ

Am I gonna be the black side or are you?

POLLY

You be white this time, I want to practice strategies.

OZ

Sure.

Oz gets up and sits on the opposite side of Polly. Magnus jumps up on the table. Oz brings up the chess set and sets it up. A few of his phobias spawn on Magnus and nuzzle him. Magnus purrs.

POLLY

What’s the record?

OZ

20 losses for me, one loss for you.

POLLY

Let’s wipe it.

OZ

Wipe it?

POLLY

We’re back at zero – zero. Those past games weren’t fair! You still sucked.

OZ

Fine by me!

Oz moves his pawn forward.

POLLY

Classic Oz start… you love doing this.

Polly moves a piece.

OZ

You wanna know who else I love?

Oz moves a piece.

POLLY

If you say me, I’m gonna cringe _so_ hard…

Polly moves a piece.

OZ

I was gonna say Magnus.

Oz moves a piece.

POLLY

Weak. Hey Oz?

Polly moves a piece.

OZ

What?

Oz moves a--

POLLY

I love you.

Oz slowly looks up at Polly slowly. She smiles at him, a genuine, bright, lovely smile.

Oz…

OZ

I love you too.

… Oz moves a piece. Polly and Oz continue their game.

Magnus is a little tired, though… so he starts napping.

TITLE: “OZ AND POLLY ADOPT A CAT”

FADE OUT:

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 👻❤️⚜️


	19. Vicky Ruins Everything, Again

FADE IN:

EXT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, FOOTBALL FIELD – MORNING

The football team is gathered on the field in front of the bleachers. Vera blows her whistle to get their attention, and motions to Vicky who addresses them.

vicky

Alright, great practice guys! You’re all doing your very best, and I love seeing it!

The team cheers, energized by Vicky’s enthusiasm.

VICKY

(EXCITED) Sorry for bringing it up so much, but AMAZING job against Pixie Prep! You guys demolished them, I could hardly believe it!

Brian

Scott went _crazy_ … leave some for the rest of us, dude!

The team echoes Brian’s sentiment. Scott doesn’t respond.

VICKY

I’m so happy for you guys. The first time in our school’s history that we make the playoffs and not only did we make it, we’ve got the best record in our conference! I bet Lich Tech’s _pretty_ bummed out right now, huh?

BRIAN

Is Lich Tech like… good?

DAMIEN

Every year before now they were the first seed in the playoffs. They’ve won our conference for the past 3 years as well. They’re the favorites to win it this year too, even if we ended up with the better record.

BRIAN

Dang…

VICKY

That said, Lich Tech’s nothing compared to who we’ll have to face if we beat them--

VERA

When.

Vicky turns to Vera. Vera’s a lot more relaxed than usual. There’s a quiet confidence about her that Vicky senses.

VICKY

… Lich Tech’s nothing compared to who we’ll have to face _when_ we beat them. You wanna talk about a dynasty, one team’s won the tournament every year for like, the past 10 or so seasons.

VERA

Scary High.

The team gets serious. Their determination is evident.

BRIAN

 _Scary_ High? Can we sue those guys for copyright infringement? I thought that was our thing.

VERA

Actually, it’s the other way around. Scary High is an illustrious private school on the other side of the country. They excel at everything - from sports, to arts, to education – and have done so for centuries. Our school’s founder was a wealthy merchant who wanted to establish a branch of Scary High on _this_ side of the country. Scary High agreed at first, but after a few years of disastrous incompetence on our founder’s part, Scary High sued our founder – or at least did the equivalent of suing for the time period - and cut ties with him. After the lawsuit, he was forced to change the name, and it has since turned from a wealthy private school into the prolonged barn fire you currently attend.

BRIAN

Wow. Turns out our school is a bootleg.

VERA

Are you surprised?

BRIAN

A little. I’m more so relieved that the question of why our football field looks like _this_ finally has an answer.

Pan out: the football field says, “ ~~SCARY~~ SPOOKY HIGH”.

vera

I’ve… never noticed that before.

BRIAN

Aren’t you here every day?

VERA

… I don’t look at the ground very often.

BRIAN

Vera, you coach football. That’s where the yardage is written.

VERA

Anyway.

BRIAN

Vera, what are you talking about--

VERA

_Anyway--_

SCOTT

I got something to say.

Everyone turns to Scott. He wields a grave expression.

VICKY

Scott…?

Scott walks up to the bleachers and stands in front of everyone.

SCOTT

Guys… I have an announcement. I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and frankly, it’s kind of embarrassing for me to say it in public, but… you’re all like family to me, so I figure you guys should be here when I say it.

VICKY

Scott, what’s wrong…?

SCOTT

Vicky…

Scott turns to Vicky.

SCOTT

… there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.

Scott smiles bashfully. Vicky steps back in shock. She turns bright red.

VICKY

Oh my god…

SCOTT

Vicky, you’ve been by my side for so long…

VICKY

Oh my god, oh my god, is this really happening?

SCOTT

When you first told me… you know, the thing you told me… I just refused it outright.

VICKY

Y-you did…

SCOTT

But…

Scott takes Vicky’s hand.

SCOTT

I gave it a lot of thought. And after thinking as hard as I could… I realized that… I felt the same.

VICKY

I think I’m gonna _cry…!_

Vicky wipes her tears with her sleeve.

SCOTT

Vicky… thank you.

VICKY

(CRYING) No… thank _you!_

SCOTT

Thank you… for the advice you gave me. I’m gonna listen to you and quit the football team.

BEAT.

SCOTT

That’s the thing I had to say by the way. I’m quitting today. Thank Vicky, guys!

Everyone glares at Vicky.

Vicky’s mortified.

BEAT.

A guy in the back hits the ground. He fainted.

TITLE: “VICKY RUINS EVERYTHING, _AGAIN_ ”

THEME SONG

ACT ONE

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, COACH’S OFFICE – MORNING

Vicky sits in the coach’s office, looking pretty guilty.

Vera is at her desk, opposite Vicky. She’s stone silent. She just stares straight at Vicky, unblinking, unmoving.

Vicky… raises an eyebrow slightly. Vera doesn’t move.

Vicky gets up and… slides over to Vera. She waits for Vera’s reaction before touching her--

VERA

(COLD) Go sit down.

Vicky hurries back to her seat.

BEAT.

VICKY

… Sorry, I thought you were a cut-out--

Vera takes a pillow and puts in on her desk before slamming her face into it and screaming.

VERA

(MUFFLED)AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--!!

Vicky grimaces. Vera stops suddenly and looks back up.

VERA

I’m fine.

VICKY

Um--

VERA

I’m fine! I’m great. I feel just great. Everything’s fine. I don’t need to get angry. I don’t need to get angry! I’m fine. I’m ok.

Vera breathes in for way too long, and exhales for the same amount of time.

VERA

Vicky!

VICKY

Y-Yes?

VERA

I’m sure there’s a rational explanation for why Scott said you told him to qu--…

Vera’s eye twitches. She goes silent again.

VICKY

Vera are you ok--?

VERA

(CONTINUING) --Told him to quit the football team?

BEAT.

vera

I’m not angry. I’m fine.

VICKY

Vera, I swear I have no idea why Scott suddenly said he’d quit! I never told him _anything_ like that!

VERA

(CALM) But you know Scott, don’t you? He’ll misunderstand just about anything. Just tell me what this “advice” of yours was about and we’ll try to unravel this bullshit fucking piece of garbage trash-pile ass-fucking mess you put us in again you brainless cum-guzzling whore.

BEAT.

VERA

(STARTING OVER) … Just tell me what this “advice” of yours was about and we’ll try to unravel this mystery.

VICKY

U-Um--

VERA

I’m not angry.

VICKY

You sure aren’t… Here’s what happened.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, GYMNASIUM, LOCKER ROOM – FLASHBACK, EVENING

Scott sits down on a bench, looking conflicted.

VICKY

(V.O.) Scott called me to the locker room late at night the other day. He said he had something “really important” he wanted to talk to me about. Now, is it possible that I got maybe a little _too_ excited about the prospect of being alone with Scott in a private place late at night?

Cut to Vicky sitting next to Scott. She’s in nothing but her underwear. She folds her arms, trying to cover her chest, looking away in shame.

VICKY

(V.O.) Maybe a little. But that’s neither here nor there.

Scott turns to Vicky.

VICKY

(V.O.) So Scott turns to me and he goes (SCOTT IMPRESSION) “Vicky there’s something I want to ask you, but I don’t know if I have the words…”

Vicky’s eyes widen a little and she smiles slightly. A glimmer of hope.

VICKY

(V.O.) (SCOTT IMPRESSION) “Could you give me some advice?”

And just like that, it’s gone.

VICKY

(V.O.) (SCOTT IMPRESSION) “I’ve been torn between my responsibilities lately…”

Vicky nods.

VICKY

(V.O.) (SCOTT IMPRESSION) “How do I describe this… there are two groups of people I don’t want to disappoint. Both of them have high expectations for me, but the things they want me to do… they’re like… opposite.”

Vicky raises an eyebrow.

VICKY

(V.O.) (SCOTT IMPRESSION) “It’s like both groups need me to lead them. The first group needs me for my _brain_ … but the second needs me for my _brawn…_ Those are opposite! I can’t use both at once, Vicky!”

Vicky nods, sympathetically.

VICKY

(V.O.) (SCOTT IMPRESSION) “I just… don’t know who I should prioritize. What should I do?” So!

Vicky puts her hand on Scott’s shoulder.

VICKY

(V.O.) I put my hand on his shoulder and I said, “Quit on the first one!”

INT. COACH’S OFFICE – MORNING

Vera drags her nails across her wooden desk so hard she leaves claw marks in it. Vicky jumps and covers her ears. Vera tries desperately to hold back her rage.

VERA

You said… what?

VICKY

I said… “Quit on the first one”.

Vera breathes in and out trying to calm herself down to little avail.

VICKY

What…? I-I didn’t say anything wrong, did I?

VERA

I--… no. I need to know. When he said “one needs me for my brains and one needs me for my brawn” what did you _think_ he was talking about?

VICKY

Well he was really vague, but I thought that the _brawn_ one was… leading the football team.

VERA

Uh-huh.

VICKY

And the brains one was… leading the Dragon Heat book club.

VERA

Uh-huh.

VICKY

I thought, hey! We’re in the playoffs so… if Scott can’t do the book club _and_ football, he should jettison his book club responsabilities. We have to prioritize winning, r-right?

VERA

Uh-huh.

VICKY

Did I get it right? W-Were you testing me?

VERA

Uh-huh.

VICKY

Vera, I’m--… I asked you a question.

vera

Uh-huh.

VICKY

Vera--?

Vera slams her fist through the desk. She trembles in anger.

VERA

(CALM) … Vicky. I’m sorry to say, but as we’ve just witnessed today, turns out Scott thinks the football team needs him for his brains.

VICKY

It, um… so it seems.

VERA

(CALM) I see his point. A quarterback’s job is pretty thinking intensive. His football IQ is quite high.

VICKY

I agree--

VERA

(CALM) Vicky, why didn’t you fucking ask him what he meant when he asked you that question?

VICKY

… Will you get mad at me if I answer?

VERA

(CALM) No.

VICKY

I didn’t because… I was mostly thinking of leaving as fast as possible.

VERA

(CALM) Why?

VICKY

Because it was cold in the locker room.

BEAT.

VICKY

I was topless. So… it was pretty cold.

BEAT.

Vera wordlessly gets and walks over to the window.

She shoves her fist straight through and shatters it. Vicky hides in the corner of the room. Vera keeps looking out of the window she broke.

BEAT.

VERA

Understandable, Vicky. It’s late November, it’s starting to get quite cold.

Vicky trembles in fear.

VERA

… It appears there’s something Scott’s blowing off football for. Let’s go inquire as to what it is. How about it? Do you want to inquire with me, Vicky?

Vicky nods, terrified.

VERA

That’s good. Today is November 20th. Our next playoff game is on November 23rd. Semifinals are on December 7th. Finals are on December 21st. You know what’s special about December 21st? It’s a day before my birthday. That’s peculiar right?

VICKY

Y-… yes.

VERA

Peculiar.

BEAT.

VERA

Get the gauze, my hand’s bleeding.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, BATHROOM– MEANWHILE

Brian is in the Bathroom psyching himself up.

BRIAN

Alright… I can do this. Today’s the day, I’m gonna ask her out.

Brian fixes his hair a little in the mirror.

BRIAN

Just keep it casual. Say “Hey… how are you… do you wanna go on a date.”

Brian stares at his reflection in the mirror.

BRIAN

(WINCING) Have I always been this ugly…? (CATCHING HIMSELF) Agh! I’m psyching myself out! It’s not that big a deal… it isn’t! I just… I just gotta say it. And if she says no, then…

Brian deflates.

BRIAN

(DEPRESSED) At least we’ll still be friends…

BEAT.

BRIAN

Why did I say that shit, am I _trying_ to make myself fail? Idiot. (POINTING TO REFLECTION) Idiot. Alright.

Brian applies a little cologne and a breath freshener before turning to the inner wall of the bathroom… where the door to Valerie’s store is poorly superimposed.

INT. VALERIE’S STORE - CONTINOUS

Brian opens the door to Valerie’s store, and walks toward Valerie cheerfully.

BRIAN

Hey Val! How are you? Listen, can I ask you something--

However, as soon as he enters, Valerie, who was behind the counter looking at something on her phone with great worry, slams her phone down and sits up, trying to look as though she wasn’t doing anything.

VALERIE

(NERVOUS) B-Brian! Y-… you’re here early?

BRIAN

(CONFUSED) …I am?

VALERIE

Uh…

Valerie checks the time.

VALERIE

… No.

BRIAN

… Ok?

BEAT.

BRIAN

Uh, anyway, Val I’ve been meaning to ask--

Valerie looks around nervously. Brain notices her strange behaviour and steps forward.

BRIAN

Valerie, are you--

But when he takes that step, Valerie moves back.

BRIAN

(TRAILING OFF) … Ok?

VALERIE

Yep. J-Just fine.

Brian steps forward again. Valerie steps back just as much.

BRIAN

V-Val…?

Brian and Valerie stare at each other for a tense moment until--

AARAVI

(O.S.) UPGRADE PLEASE!

Aaravi bursts into the store.

AARAVI

Brian, Valerie! I demand an upgrade!

Aaravi pulls a bag of cash from her pocket.

aaravi

Payment!

BRIAN

Oh, uh, hey Aaravi. Could you wait a sec? I wanted to ask Val about--

VALERIE

AARAVI!

Valerie over-enthusiastically gets up and smiles at Aaravi.

AARAVI

Y-Yes?

VALERIE

What is this?? You want an _upgrade??_ Why, I’d be _glad_ to help!

AARAVI

What the hell? Brian, what’s up with--

VALERIE

What’s that???? you want… _BRIAN_ to help you?????? No way, I was _JUST_ thinking he should do that _too_!

BRAIN

(TO VALERIE) Y-you were?

AARAVI

I did?!

BRIAN

(TO AARAVI) Did you?

AARAVI

M-… maybe? Agh, what’s going on right now?! I’m confused!

BRIAN

Y-yeah, so am I…

VALERIE

Don’t ask! Haha! Brian, please go and do whatever Aaravi wants! (COLD) Now, please.

Brian is speechless.

BRIAN

I mean… ok…? But, Val, before that, can I talk to…

Valerie stares, unblinking, at Brian and the door. Brian notices this and loses resolve.

BRIAN

… Nevermind.

Brian sadly walks out of the store with Aaravi.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, BATHROOM – CONTINOUS

Brian, outside the store, scratches his neck awkwardly.

BRIAN

Uh… sorry about that?

AARAVI

No kidding. What’s Valerie’s deal?

BRIAN

I don’t know, she just…

AARAVI

… Wanted to get rid of you?

BRIAN

Wh-what?! What are you talking about?! H-haha, that’s crazy!

AARAVI

I don’t know, it kinda seemed like she wanted to get you out of there.

BRIAN

I…

Brian gulps and looks away.

BRIAN

There’s no way.

Brian turns around and touches the door to the store. He finds a small comfort in it.

BRIAN

Me and Val are close. She wouldn’t just--

With a flash of otherworldly light, Valerie’s store teleports to another location. Brian is flabbergasted.

AARAVI

Is it… supposed to do that?

BRIAN

It’s still morning… the store moves on its own at midnight. Did… Did Valerie move it manually…?

AARAVI

Oh… snap. I was just kidding before, but I guess Val _really_ doesn’t want you around, huh…?

Brian turns to Aaravi and glares at her.

AARAVI

Wh-what?

Brian snatches Aaravi’s sword from her.

AARAVI

Hey!

BRIAN

You wanted this upgraded, right? Yeah, I’ll upgrade this. And then, I’m gonna go talk to Valerie. And THEN, I’m gonna ask her out!

AARAVI

Doesn’t she hate you now, I don’t know if that’s the best idea--

BRIAN

I don’t care! I’m gonna do it!

Brian pulls his swiss army knife from his pocket.

BRIAN

Also she _doesn’t_ hate me! (DETERMINED) Now stand back while I screwdrive this.

Brian starts trying to enhance Aaravi’s sword.

BEAT.

BRIAN

… Why am I doing this in the bathroom?

AARAVI

Also the verb is “screw”.

BRIAN

Does this sword even _have_ Screws?

AARAVI

No.

BRIAN

(SIGHING) Let’s go to the science lab…

AARAVI

Sure.

ACT TWO

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, AUDITORIUM – MORNING 

Vicky and Vera stand side by side, confused in front of Scott.

Scott’s dressed as a tree.

SCOTT

Alright… I know what you two are gonna say. And…

Scott motions to himself.

SCOTT

Oak.

BEAT.

SCOTT

That’s the kind of tree.

VICKY

Oak! Interesting.

Vera

Don’t encourage him.

VICKY

I would’ve gone with something else, personally.

VERA

What did I just say?

SCOTT

Really? Like what?

VICKY

Maybe… birch?

SCOTT

Hey!

Scott gets serious.

SCOTT

… Watch your language.

LIAM

(O.S.) Hey, hey!

Liam shimmies on stage, wearing his theatre outfit.

LIAM

Vera Oberlin, how _intriguing_ to see you in my theatre. Reconsidered my offer to play a role, have you?

VERA

No.

Liam laughs nervously.

LIAM

I figured…

VICKY

Um! _I’m_ down with being in it, Liam!

LIAM

Oh!

BEAT.

LIAM

Good for you!

VICKY

… I thought we were friends, dude.

LIAM

Since when?

VICKY

Good question, we’ve like, _never_ hung out…

LIAM

Vicky, no hard feelings, but my theatre is only for the most _elite_ of actors. You’re cute, but… incompetent.

VERA

Finally, we agree on something.

VICKY

Jokes on you, you just said I was cute! (TO VERA) _And_ you agreed! Heheh, things are coming up _Vicky…_!

VERA

(SARCASTIC) How momentous. _Liam’s_ acknowledgement.

VICKY

 _And_ yours!

VERA

Hardly. (TO SCOTT) Enough japes. Scott. Can we talk?

scott

I guess so… (MUTTERING) Even though I’m breaking character… trees can’t talk, Vera…

VERA

Scott, would you kindly tell us why YOU QU--

Vera stops herself.

vera

… Vicky, you ask. If I finish the sentence my blood vessels are going to burst.

VICKY

… Do you need anger management classes, Vera? Get a stress ball.

VERA

That’s my secret, Vicky. I _am_ a stress ball. Uh, I meant I’m a _ball_ of _stress_. Nobody squeezes me.

VICKY

That’s sad, being squeezed is nice. You should get a boyfriend, they can like… squeeze you and stuff…

BEAT.

vicky

I’ve been thinking about getting one of those boyfriend pillows, you know the ones where it’s like a guy’s arm and you can hug him while you sleep? I’d like that, he could squeeze me, it’d be like… comforting…

BEAT.

vicky

I mean, it’d more so be me doing the squeezing though, h-haha, I’m a pretty heavy cuddler, you know, and--

VERA

Vicky, shut up.

VICKY

Okay. Scott? We want to know why you quit the Football team.

SCOTT

A-ha! Great Question, Vicky!

VICKY

(PLEASED) Hehe, thanks.

SCOTT

I’ll answer with _another_ question. Do you think I’m cute?

VICKY

(COYLY) … _Maybe._

Vicky giggles.

VICKY

Do you think _I’m_ cu--

SCOTT

Right, so I was in the forest--

VICKY

(DRYLY) Oh.

SCOTT 

\--Just trying to find a big branch to do some pull-ups like I usually do before games. Suddenly! I get approached by this big band of forest animals! They could talk, and walk on two feet, and… had _very_ large heads. Like, _this_ big. Crazy!

VICKY

Aw, well that sounds… cute, I guess?

VERA

(MUTTERING) “Big heads” …?

SCOTT

That’s just it, they started calling _me_ cute!

VICKY

(COYLY) Well you _are--_

VERA

Don’t bother.

VICKY

(SADLY) Yeah…

SCOTT

They said they were impressed by how big my muscles were, and how many pull-ups I could do. So!

Scott puts his hands together.

SCOTT

They made me their king.

VICKY

… what?

VERA

Hold on…

SCOTT

Technically they said they were gonna make me their “kink”, but as we all know… that’s just welsh for “King”. I went ahead and translated it.

VERA

Oh no.

VICKY

What’s wrong, Vera?

VERA

I think I know where this is going…

VICKY

Explain then because I’m still kinda lost…

VERA

When aren’t you? Pay attention.

SCOTT

Being a king is tough, though. There’s so much to it… I tried asking Miranda for help and she-- Haha, she, um… she might have some issues.

VICKY

That’s all well and good, but why does that warrant _leaving_ the team?

SCOTT

I just can’t do both. Being a brainy quarterback on a football team just doesn’t mesh with being a big burly monarch.

VICKY

It… doesn’t?

scott

Being a king is a 24-hour job! You’ll get it when _you_ become a king.

VICKY

(COYLY) Why don’t I just become your _queen_ …? (EMBARASSED) H-heheh, uh, just kidding--

SCOTT

That’s a _GREAT_ idea!

VICKY

(EXCITED) Oh my god, _really??_

SCOTT

Of course! Vicky, you’re the smartest girl I know!

VICKY

(EVEN MORE EXCITED) Oh my GOD, _REALLY???_

SCOTT

Yeah! We’d be perfect, just me--

VICKY

(ENTHRALLED) Uh-huh…??

SCOTT

And you--

VICKY

(ENTHRALLED) Uh-huh…???

SCOTT

Ruling over the furries!

VICKY

What the fuck.

Vera bursts out laughing.

SCOTT

Vicky! Language! You’ll set a bad example for the FURRIES!

VICKY

Wh-… FURRIES?!

Vera wheezes.

SCOTT

It’s what I call them! Because they’re big and furry!

VERA

Vicky the look on your _face--!_

VICKY

Vera, stop laughing.

Vera just barely recovers enough to speak.

VERA

All hail queen Vicky… first of her name…

Vera bows to Vicky.

VERA

(LAUGHING) … Queen of the furries.

Vera chuckles under her breath. Vicky glares at Vera. Vera gets up and recovers.

VERA

Phew… I think Amira’s rubbed off on me too much. Ahh…

BEAT.

VERA

Scott, abandon these furries this instant. We have a football tournament to win.

SCOTT

But--!

VERA

No buts. I’m doing my best to be nice since it’s you, but let’s be clear: if you were anybody else I would have a gun in my hand right now.

SCOTT

Vera, these animals _need_ me!

VERA

And _we_ don’t?!

SCOTT

You’ll understand if we go see them. Here, why don’t all three of us go say hello to my people? I’m holding court today.

VERA

No.

SCOTT

Vera, please?

vera

No.

SCOTT

… Vicky wants to go. Right Vicky?

VICKY

U-uh…

VERA

(WARNING) Vicky…

Vera stares daggers at her. Vicky fidgets a little.

VICKY

I mean, a little…

VERA

DAMNIT!

SCOTT

Yay! Let’s all go!

VERA

UuuuGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, LIBRARY – BEFORE NOON

Valerie talks in hushed tones with the coven in the library. They seem to be handing her something, but… we can’t see what.

Brian watches from afar and, after another spray or two of breath freshener, approaches the group.

BRIAN

Hey, Valerie--

VALERIE

(MUTTERING) Shit he’s here-- (TO COVEN) Girls!

The witches move forward and block Brian.

BRIAN

Huh?!

JOY

We’ll take care of him.

VAL

Thanks…!

Valerie sneaks away.

BRIAN

Valerie?! Hey! I just--…

Valerie exits the Library.

BRIAN

(DEMORALIZED) … Wanted to ask you something.

Brian glares at the witches.

BRIAN

Am I in the fucking Twilight Zone?! What the hell do you three want?!

FAITH

Help us out with something.

BRIAN

Again?! Who the hell are _you_ three?!

JOY

Do you seriously not know?! we’ve been in class together since September! That’s almost THREE months!

BRIAN

Oh yeah…

FAITH

Is it just me or is three months not that much time, considering how much has happened?

JOY

it almost feels like three _years_ at the pace we’re going…

BRIAN

Never mind that: what were you girls talking to Valerie about?

JOY

Not telling you.

BRIAN

Did…

Brian sighs.

BRIAN

(SADDENED) Did it have to do with me?

The witches don’t say anything.

BRIAN

Please?! Could you _please_ tell me! I’m… I don’t even care about asking her out at this point, I just wanna know if she hates me!

The witches don’t say anything again.

BRIAN

(DEPRESSED) … Did I do something wrong?

EXT. FOREST, FURRY KINGDOM – AFTERNOON

VICKY

End my life.

Vicky and Vera stand beside Scott, who sits on a stone throne, wearing a cute little crown, in the middle of the forest. The trees are adorned with furry art, of varying quality.

Before them, an immense number of furries in fur suits are gathered. A few furries sound a fanfare before a furry crier walks up front.

FURRY CRIER

Hear ye, Hear ye! We welcome Queen Vicky Schmidt, first queen of the furries, to the illustrious furry kingdom!

FURRIES

(CROWD) HAIL QUEEN VICKY!

The furries applaud for Vicky. Vicky hides her face in embarrassment.

FURRY CRIER

We also welcome Vera, who has refused any title and also requested to not be welcomed, but King Scott insisted, and his orders as furry king supersede hers!

FURRIES

(CROWD) HAIL REGULAR VISITOR VERA!

The furries applaud for Vera. She glares at Scott. Scott gives her a thumbs up.

FURRY CRIER

We will now hold furry court! Any furries who wish to speak to King Scott line up behind the Zootopia theatre standee.

While the furries line up, Scott addresses the girls beside him.

SCOTT

What do you think? These furries are pretty polite, right?

VICKY

And advanced, how are they getting power all the way out here?

Vicky spots a fuse box attached to a tree.

VICKY

Yeesh, _that_ ’s a fire hazard for sure.

SCOTT

What’s a “fire hazard”?

VICKY

Nevermind that, um… Scott, can I talk to you for a second?

SCOTT

We’re already talking, and I don’t see a reason to stop, so, yes!

VICKY

Can you like… ask them to stop calling me furry queen? I kinda, really, absolutely do not want to be known as that.

VERA

Why not? It suits you!

scott

I agree! You’re the best furry queen ever!

VICKY

That’s great, it’s just I’M NOT A FURRY.

VERA

I totally buy that coming from the girl with the full Dragon Heat hardcover collection…

VICKY

Uh, you took a ride on the sexcalibur too, need I remind you.

VERA

Yeah? I took it like a champ, what’s your point?

VICKY

… Alright--

VERA

Gold medalist. Olympic level dick-taker, what are you trying to say?

VICKY

Alright stop it. I can’t compete with you when you’ve got no shame.

VERA

You can’t compete with me in general.

VICKY

Yeah…

VERA

Weakling.

SCOTT

Guys, shape up! Furry court’s about to start!

The furries have made a line.

VICKY

What is this about, exactly?

scott

Watch, you’ll get it.

A furry approaches Scott and bows.

FURRY #1

Hail King Scott.

SCOTT

Raise your head, furry bro. Now please, speak.

FURRY #1

Your grace, I have great news. I’ve completed another rendering of his Yiffness.

VICKY

_Yiffness…?_

SCOTT

Incredible! That’s your 15th this week!

The furry reveals the drawing. Vicky and Vera are disgusted.

SCOTT

Hm.

VICKY

S-SCOTT! WHAT THE HELL IS _THIS?!_

scott

It appears to be me.

VICKY

Wh-Why are you _naked?!_

FURRY #1

It’s my style.

SCOTT

It’s his style.

VICKY

This is PORN! You’re quitting the football team to hang out in the forest and look at _porn_ , Scott?! That’s--!

Scott frowns. The furry also seems saddened.

VICKY

That’s…

VERA

(MUTTERING) If you fold here, I’ll lose all respect for you.

Scott makes a puppy dog face at Vicky. Vicky does her best to resist, but…

VICKY

(GUILTY) … that’s fine.

She can’t. Scott beams.

SCOTT

She says it’s fine!

The furries cheer.

FURRIES

ALL HAIL QUEEN OF THE FURRIES!

Vicky looks down in shame. Vera glares at her, disappointed.

The furry has edited his drawing to feature Vicky as well. Like… a furry version of Vicky. Vicky sees it and all the color drains from her face. Vera sees it and snaps.

She grabs her coach whistle and blows it, hard. The sound echoes through the whole clearing. The furries stop cheering and go silent.

VERA

Alright! enough of this stupid shit! Scott! Quit pretending to be King of these degenerates and go back to being a _productive_ member of society!

SCOTT

Vera, don’t be mean to my furry friends! Look at them! They’re so cute!

Vera turns. Two of them are making out. In suits.

VERA

… adorable.

Vera pinches Scott’s ear, hard.

SCOTT

OW!

VERA

STOP BEING AN IDIOT! YOUR TEAM NEEDS YOU!

SCOTT

These animals need me too!

VERA

These… _animals?_

SCOTT

Yes! These poor, innocent, slightly perverted forest animals need me! If they need a king, I’ll be their king!

VERA

… Scott, I know you’re dumb. I’ve even _accepted_ it. I don’t expect a thing other than you being as dumb as possible in every single situation. But please… _please…_ for the love of the god I know isn’t real… _please_ tell me you don’t think THESE. FUCKING. FURRIES. Are real animals?

BEAT.

SCOTT

They have fur, Vera.

VERA

Fuck it.

Vera unhands Scott and turns to leave.

VICKY

Vera!

VERA

FUCK IT! I’M OVER THIS SHIT! We do not need Scott this much! I’m not going to sit here and try to convince king dumbass that SexyFox69 on twitter over here isn’t an ACTUAL fox.

VICKY

Vera, please!

Vera grabs Vicky by the collar.

VERA

This is both your faults. If you want Scott back so bad… convince him yourself. If you can _bring_ yourself to tell him he’s wrong about _anything._

Vera pushes Vicky away.

VERA

(COLD) Have fun being queen of the furries.

Vera leaves the clearing. As she leaves, she gets a phone call.

VERA

(MUTTERING) Why is he calling me…

VICKY

Vera…

SCOTT

Bah! Leave if you want to, Vera! You can’t convince me these furry guys aren’t real animals. Haha!

FURRY CRIER

But of course! Every one of us was born an animal (WHISPERING) on the inside at least.

SCOTT

Exactly. I never doubted you guys for a second.

FURRY CRIER

Thank you--

The Furry Crier does a curtsy.

FURRY CRIER

My liege…

Unfortunately… when the furry crier bows, his giant head falls off. Revealing a very normal, non-animal monster inside.

FURRY CRIER

Uh--!

The furry crier hurriedly puts his head back on.

BEAT.

SCOTT

(ALARMED) Are--… are you hurt?

Scott turns to Vicky.

SCOTT

Is he hurt…?

Vicky sweats.

VICKY

U-UM--!

Vicky looks at Scott, who’s pleading with her, and to the furries, who plead with her just as much. Once again, she tries to find the strength to resist but… she can’t.

VICKY

(AWKWARD) S-Scott, actually he, um…

The furries motion for her to continue speaking.

VICKY

He… was cursed! And you… removed the curse from him. So now he’s… a person. You un-cursed him.

Scott marvels at this news.

SCOTT

HE’S UN-CURSED!

All the furries cheer once again.

SCOTT

I un-cursed him with my love for furries!

VICKY

(DESPONDENT) Yeah, you… really did…

SCOTT

Thank you, Vicky! I guess I love you too, in a way! WINK!

Vicky grimaces.

SCOTT

Definitely not in the way they drew over there, though.

Vicky turns, there’s somehow six more drawings of her and Scott yiffing.

VICKY

H-how did you guys draw so much so quickly?!

SCOTT

No clue. They’re interesting drawings, though!

Vicky looks deeply uncomfortable, and truly saddened.

VICKY

(MUTTERING) I _hate_ this…

Suddenly…

VICKY

(ALARMED) … Why do I smell something burning?

EXT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, OUTSIDE FOREST - AFTERNOON

“10 MINUTES EARLIER”

There’s a party going on in the schoolyard like usual. Damien leans on a tree, talking to Hope. She looks bored.

DAMIEN

Anyway, so like… sick performance at the talent show. I voted for you, you know.

HOPE

(UNINTERESTED) Uh-huh…?

damien

Yeah. So… I was wondering if… maybe you and I could--

HOPE

(UNINTERESTED) Uh-huh…?

DAMIEN

At least let me finish, before--

HOPE

(UNINTERESTED) That’s great, Damien.

Hope finishes her drink and leaves. Damien deflates.

damien

Damn it… Brian makes it look so easy. (LOOKING AROUND) Where’s he at, anyway?

Brian stands away from the party, outside the entrance to the forest.

BRIAN

(MUTTERING) Wonder why Vicky, Scott and Vera went in the forest… Maybe it’s a football thing? Let’s hope it’s a football thing.

Brian turns around to find Valerie, sitting alone, drinking a beer while on her phone. Brian sighs and sends a silent prayer before walking towards her.

Brian taps Valerie’s shoulder. She turns around--

BRIAN

Hey, Val--?

VALERIE

AAAAH!

Valerie jumps away. If you look close enough, you can see Brian’s soul shattering in his eyes.

VALERIE

B-Brian! U-uhhhhh…

BRIAN

… I’m sorry. I’m sorry, alright? I won’t bother you anymore. I don’t…

Brian turns around to hide his pain.

BRIAN

(CHOKING UP) I don’t know what I did, but if you don’t want me around then you don’t need to keep looking for excuses!

VALERIE

Brian, what are you--

BRIAN

No! I get it! I get it, even _I’d_ get sick of me after a while…

VALERIE

Let me finish, Brian, it’s--

BRIAN

It’s what? Over? Yeah, I figured. I’ll… I’ll leave my nametag in the shop…

VALERIE

(ALARMED) BRIAN!

Brian raises an eyebrow and turns around, only to see Valerie being kidnapped! By who??

BRIAN

You’re--!

PRINCE

(O.S.) HAHAHA!

Who else? The Interdimensional Prince - who’s outfit is a lot more beat up and dirty than it was when we first saw him - has Valerie over his shoulder. Valerie does her best to get out of his grasp.

PRINCE

You fool! While you had your back turned, I snatched _this_ adorable little number!

The prince strokes Valerie’s hair.

PRINCE

Feline lady… your edginess is so refreshing. Ignore this slack jawed _goon_ and come with me! Or rather, stop struggling.

Valerie continues to struggle.

PRINCE

My darling, I promise that as soon as I find passage back to my home dimension, I’ll give you all the riches your heart desires.

VALERIE

Let me go, you blue creep!

PRINCE

So rude… I suppose we’ll have to fix that when we get married.

VALERIE

(TERRIFIED) When we get--?! (TO BRIAN) BRIAN, HELP!

Brian… sighs and shakes his head.

BRIAN

Come on, Valerie… was this really necessary?

VALERIE

BRIAN!

BRIAN

If you didn’t want to see me, you could’ve just asked me to leave, Val. You didn’t need to stage a kidnapping, that’s ridi--

The prince runs past Brian into the forest.

BRIAN

(REALIZING) --culous…

valerie

(BEING TAKEN AWAY) I’M ACTUALLY GETTING KIDNAPPED YOU IDIOT…!

brian

(PANICKED) OH SHIT!

Brian starts running after the prince.

BRIAN

VALERIE!

As Brian runs, however, he trips on something and falls.

brian

(FALLING) Shit!

Brian swipes at the thing he tripped on, a medicine bottle.

brian

Did… Valerie drop this…?

Brian snaps out of it. He gets up and starts running. He grabs his phone from his pocket and dials a number.

Someone we know picks up.

VERA

(THROUGH PHONE) (MUTTERING) “Why is he calling me…” (IRRITATED) “What is it, Brian? I thought I told you this number was for emergencies only--"

BRIAN

(ON PHONE) Valerie’s been kidnapped!

VERA

(THROUGH PHONE) “WHAT?!”

BRIAN

(ON PHONE) Some blue-haired guy grabbed her and ran in the forest! You guys are there, right?!

VERA

(THROUGH PHONE) “WHERE’S HE HEADED?!”

BRIAN

(ON PHONE) North from the rave tree!

VERA

(THROUGH PHONE) “Perfect! That’s where I am!”

BRIAN

(ON PHONE) Don’t let him get past you!

VERA

(THROUGH PHONE) “Don’t worry…”

EXT. FOREST – MEANWHILE

Vera hangs up.

VERA

I won’t.

Vera looks between the trees and sees a pale blue glimmer in the distance.

Vera reaches in her pocket and pulls out a flask. She turns it over and splashes the alcohol all over the trees next to her. Once she’s done, she pulls out 10 or so matches.

Cut to the prince running through the forest. Valerie tries her hardest to free herself.

PRINCE

Quit struggling, my darling! (MUTTERING) I just need to get down the mountain…!

The prince pulls his remote from out of his pocket.

PRINCE

(MUTTERING) I need a more stable travel point, the reception’s too bad up here!

The prince, however, stops dead in his tracks.

What faces him is an immense wildfire, and Vera standing before it.

VALERIE

VERA!

VERA

End of the line, Prince!

Vera pulls out a gun and points it at the prince.

VERA

Let my sister go. _Now._

The prince steps back and looks around. There’s a rapidly growing fire in every direction. After considering his options… he finally relents. He lets Valerie down and puts his hands up.

VERA

Don’t move.

Valerie runs over to Vera and hugs her.

VALERIE

Sis!

VERA

I’m here.

Vera turns toward Valerie just a little. The prince sees it as his chance: he tries to run!

Vera, without even turning around, shoots him square in the leg.

PRINCE

(BEING SHOT) AAAAAAAAAH!

VERA

What did I just say?

PRINCE

M-MY LEG!

vera

That’s not vital is it… I suppose I missed. (COLD) You’re going to jail, sir. I’m making a citizen’s arrest.

Vera turns back to Valerie and hugs her.

VERA

Sorry if I was late.

VALERIE

You were right on time… you really saved me.

VERA

Of course I did.

The prince, prone and bleeding out, reaches for his remote.

PRINCE

(MUTTERING) I don’t care _where_ I end up…! Get me outta here--!

Right as he’s about to press the button though… A crossbow bolt goes straight through his hand, and through the remote destroying it.

BEAT.

PRINCE

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! MY HAND!

VERA

What the…

VALERIE

A crossbow?

A long distance away, Brian, who was hidden behind a tree, hides the crossbow back in his parka.

brian

(MUTTERING) She’s safe…

Brian puts his fingers up to his neck and measures his pulse. It’s stable, if slow… Brian breathes a sigh of relief. Brian also breathes in smoke from the wildfire raging behind them.

BRIAN

(ALARMED) Wait, no she’s not.

Back by Vera and Valerie, Valerie stares at the wildfire with concern.

vALERIE

Uh… should we like, be worried about that?

VERA

Don’t worry Valerie, it’s a controlled fire.

VALERIE

Really?

BEAT.

VERA

N--… No.

EXT. FOREST, FURRY KINGDOM – MEANWHILE

Scott sits upon his throne deep in thought.

SCOTT

Hmmm… now how would a king react in this situation?

Pan out: the furry kingdom has caught ablaze. Furries are trying to escape the fire. Vicky tries to push Scott off the throne.

VICKY

SCOTT! WE HAVE TO RUN, WE’RE IN A FIRE!

SCOTT

Right, that’s what I’d do if I were just a citizen, but… a _king_ would--

VICKY

SCOOOOOTT!!

One of the furries runs up to Scott and Vicky.

FURRY #3

King! Queen!

VICKY

DON’T CALL ME QUEEN!

FURRY #3

The furry kingdom is burning! You two need to run to safety!

SCOTT

No, My furry friend! _You_ need to run. I’ve decided!

Scott gets up and addresses the panicking furries.

SCOTT

Every one of you, abandon this kingdom! Your safeties are of the utmost importance!

FURRY CRIER

But, king Scott! What will _you_ do?!

SCOTT

I will remain here!

VICKY

WHAT?!

The furries are in awe.

FURRY CRIER

King… you mean to say that you would perish with this kingdom? It means _that_ much to you?

SCOTT

… Y-Yes.

The furries tear up.

FURRY CRIER

We will never forget you king Scott!

The furries air out of the burning forest. Vicky looks around in disbelief.

VICKY

Scott… you realize you’ll _die_ here, right?

SCOTT

…

VICKY

Scott, answer me!

SCOTT

… They needed me.

VICKY

Huh…?

Scott takes off his crown and sits back down on the throne.

SCOTT

They needed me. I helped them… I did my job. I was their king, and I made sure they were all safe.

VICKY

Scott, what are you…

Scott’s hands tighten around the rests of his throne. He smiles… but for the first time, its not genuine.

SCOTT

I don’t mind. As long as I didn’t disappoint them…

Scott looks up at Vicky. Contrary to his calm voice…

SCOTT

… I don’t mind if I die here. After all… these are the people who needed me most.

… he’s stricken with fear.

SCOTT

Right? Vicky?

Vicky is in shock.

VICKY

You’d… you’d really go that far…

Vicky remembers all the times she played along with Scott and his antics. Every time she indulged and placated him.

She turns to the fire. A drawing of her and Scott kissing as furries is hung on a tree.

VICKY

Are… are you doing this because of what I told you?

It burns.

VICKY

Is this… my fault?

Vicky stares as the drawing immolates. It turns to ash… and disappears.

She sighs… Vicky has nothing but rage and determination left.

SCOTT

Vicky? Y-You should run--

VICKY

I won’t.

Vicky walks toward the fuse box she spotted earlier.

VICKY

… I can’t. Not like this.

SCOTT

(SCARED) Y-You… Wh-What are you going to do…?

Vicky looks over her shoulder at Scott.

VICKY

What I should’ve done from the start…

Vicky turns back to the fire.

VICKY

… What would’ve been best for you.

Vicky flips the fuse box open and grabs the cables with both hands.

After absorbing all that power… in a flash of light, Vicky is energized once again.

VICKY

Here’s hoping I remember how to do this one… Hold on…

Vicky focuses and puts her hands up. 11 or so massive concentric magic circles inscribed with runes appear above her.

VICKY

This _should_ be it… Wait, did I miss a character somewhere?

Vicky reads the arcane language she’s conjured.

VICKY

Nope, this is it.

Vicky gathers her strength.

VICKY

(MYSTIC) _Magna Pluvia!_

The magic circles activate. The spell drains all of Vicky’s energy and she collapses to the ground. Scott gets up from his throne and runs to her.

SCOTT

Vicky!

Scott grabs her and shakes her a little.

SCOTT

I-…!

As Scott stares at Vicky’s unconscious face, he’s hit by a wave of weighty regret.

SCOTT

I’m…

But Scott’s snapped out of his apology. A water drop hits his face.

SCOTT

(LOOKING UP) Huh?

After an instant of silence… An immense, dark, billowing cloud appears overhead. Torrential rain pours down on the burning woods.

The Zootopia standee, half-burnt and now waterlogged, bends, crumples and falls over. Nothing else remains of the furry kingdom.

ACT THREE

EXT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, YARD, NEAR TREE – EVENING

Vicky’s splayed out on the grass, eyes closed. A moment later, she groggily opens her eyes and sits up.

VICKY

Hm…?

She takes in her surroundings. There’s smoke coming out of the forest. The fire’s extinguished.

VICKY

Huh. I did it.

SCOTT

(O.S.) Vicky!

Scott leaps in front of Vicky. Vicky jumps back, startled.

VICKY

AHH!

Scott hugs Vicky tight, visibly hurting Vicky.

SCOTT

I’m so sorry! I was so worried-- OW!

Scott doubles over in pain. Vicky’s pinching his ear as hard as she can. There is not one ounce of tenderness in her expression.

SCOTT

V-Vicky, that hurts!

VICKY

Oh, does it? That’s the point.

SCOTT

H-huh?

Vicky gets up from the ground and dusts herself off. She unhands Scott and folds her arms before staring down at him.

SCOTT

(TRYING TO GET UP) Vic--

VICKY

(COMMANDING) Down!

Scott sits on his knees and looks down in shame.

VICKY

Do you know how dangerous what you did today was?! You could’ve DIED!

SCOTT

I--

VICKY

What you did was wrong, stupid, and just about the worst possible interpretation of what I advised you! I realize I wasn’t clear then, so let me be clear now: You CANNOT quit the football team to hang out with these FURRIES!

SCOTT

U-Uh…

vicky

These guys don’t _need_ you, they just wanted to take advantage of your kindness! You almost _died_ for a bunch of PERVS! You wanna know who _really_ needs you?! US! WE need you _way_ more than these guys do! So remember that next time you think about doing something like this, because I’m _not_ bailing you out anymore! It’s not my job to save you from your own bad decisions!

SCOTT

I’m sorry…

Scott tears up a little.

SCOTT

It’s just… the furries, they--

VICKY

And one more thing. Those FURRIES ARE PEOPLE! NOT ANIMALS!

SCOTT

They’re _what?!_

VICKY

You heard me! They were people, and they didn’t even bat an eye at letting you die in a fire!

SCOTT

I… I almost died…

VICKY

Scott… You are never, EVER, doing that again. Don’t even THINK about finding those furries. You are _not_ a king.

SCOTT

(REGRETFUL) I’m not a king.

VICKY

You’re going to rejoin the football team. And you’re going to do your best for us. We have a match on the 23rd. Get ready.

Scott says nothing. After a moment, Vicky calms down and sighs. She crouches down to meet him eye to eye.

VICKY

Why did you even want to join those furries in the first place? I thought football gave you everything you wanted!

SCOTT

It… used to. But…

Scott looks away.

vicky

Scott. Talk to me.

Scott looks back at Vicky and sees how earnest she is. He sighs and decides to open up.

SCOTT

That day when I was in the forest… I wasn’t doing pull-ups. I was… having the shakes.

VICKY

The… Shakes?

SCOTT

That’s what I call them.

VICKY

What are the “Shakes”?

SCOTT

It’s like, it gets hard to breathe and I sweat a lot… and my hands just can’t stop shaking. It’s scary.

vicky

(SHOCKED) Scott… you’re having these?

SCOTT

Y-Yeah… Back then, when we played football, I was happy even though we lost a lot. Now… everyone cares about winning so much, it scares me. Everyone’s talking like we absolutely can’t lose. Everyone’s looking at me like… “you better make us win”. It gets me thinking about how sad and angry they’re going to be if I mess up, and about how if I lose… everybody’ll hate me. So I start shaking.

Vicky’s heart breaks. She pulls Scott close and hugs him.

VICKY

… I’m sorry for yelling at you.

SCOTT

It’s ok.

VICKY

I think I get it… you got attached to the furries because they put your mind off these worries, didn’t they?

Scott nods slightly.

VICKY

You’ll be ok. The next time you get these… come to us.

Scott nods again. Vicky stays hugging Scott for a while.

BEAT.

The horde of furries is right next to Vicky and Scott.

VICKY

(TO FURRIES) Can you furries buzz off? We’re done with you guys. Shoo!

EXT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, QUAD - MEANWHILE

The Monstropolis police escort the Prince into a cop car. He’s barely conscious because of all the blood loss.

Valerie watches him go and sighs in relief.

BRIAN

(O.S.) Thank god he’s gone, right?

Valerie turns around and steps away.

VALERIE

B-Brian! Uh…!

Brian doesn’t react. He just stares at Valerie, an inscrutable expression on his face. Valerie looks around, trying to find a way out of this, but… she can’t. Valerie resigns herself and nervously addresses him.

VALERIE

Hey… Listen, um… this is gonna be really hard for me to say, but… I think you should just stay away from me.

BRIAN

Are you sure?

Brian reaches in his pocket and shows Valerie the medicine bottle he found earlier.

BRIAN

(TEASING) You know, I can’t give this back to you if I can’t get any closer.

Valerie sees it and _immediately_ goes red.

VALERIE

(EMBARASSED) H-HEY!

Valerie runs at Brian and tries to snatch the bottle, but Brian puts it up high. Valerie jumps at it, trying to grab it.

VALERIE

G-GIVE IT BACK!

BRIAN

(READING) “Feline Minoxidil… Hair Regrowth Solution.”

As Valerie leaps at the bottle, Brian pinches the fur on her outstretched arm.

VALERIE

…!!

Valerie’s fur just comes right off. Brian looks down at Valerie and smiles from ear to ear.

BRIAN

(TEASING) Valerie… are you shedding?

Valerie stews in complete and utter embarrassment.

VALERIE

… Yeah.

BRIAN

Is that why you didn’t want me near you all day?

VALERIE

(EMBARRASED) Yeah.

Brian breathes a sigh of relief from deep within his soul.

BRIAN

Oh my god… Valerie, please just text me next time.

VALERIE

It’s embarrassing! I don’t have to tell you everything!

BRIAN

Val, I--

Brian tears up again.

brian

All day I thought you hated me!

Valerie steps back in shock.

VALERIE

You WHAT?!

BRIAN

I thought we were done, you know? I was just--

Valerie runs up to Brian and gives him a big hug.

VALERIE

Don’t say that again… you’ll scare me, alright?

Valerie hugs Brian as tight as she can.

VALERIE

You matter to me. So much.

Brian hugs Valerie back. They stay like this for a while.

brian

So…

Brian steps back, a little awkward.

VALERIE

What’s up?

BRIAN

There’s… something I wanna ask you.

Valerie’s smile drops a little.

VALERIE

… I know.

BRIAN

I figured you knew…

VALERIE

Listen, Brian… this is gonna sound weird but um--

Valerie takes Brian’s hand.

VALERIE

Could you ask again another day?

BRIAN

Another day…?

VALERIE

I just… god, this is gonna _so_ weird…

BRIAN

It’s not. You can tell me.

VALERIE

I need time.

Valerie stares up in Brian’s eyes. There’s a determination in her gaze, but also a desperation.

VALERIE

Please don’t ask me--

BRIAN

Alright.

Valerie looks shocked at Brian’s acceptance.

BRIAN

I won’t ask you a thing. Take as much time as you need.

Valerie hugs Brian again.

VALERIE

Thank you, Brian.

Brian seems at peace.

Valerie, on the other hand…

INT. COACH’S OFFICE – LATER

Vera sits at her desk, looking at something intently. Valerie stands in front of her, with an expression just as concerned.

VERA

What is this…?

Vera takes what she’s looking at in her hand: a petri dish with bacteria in it.

VALERIE

Bacteria samples.

vera

Really? From where?

VALERIE

From me.

Vera looks up at Valerie, alarmed.

VALERIE

These are from when I got sick.

VERA

Valerie…

VALERIE

Here:

Valerie grabs a steel case from beside her feet and puts it on the table, pushing it toward Vera.

VALERIE

There’s more of them here.

VERA

Wh-what do you want me to do with these?

VALERIE

Don’t… don’t ask. Just throw them in a lab and tell me what you find.

VERA

A _lab?_

VALERIE

(SERIOUS) Please.

Valerie pleads with Vera. Vera sees the urgency in Valerie’s expression and concedes.

She opens the steel case and reveals the contents: an incredible collection of labelled bacteria samples, as well as what appears to be a diary.

VERA

You were out of school for a week… I didn’t think _this_ was what you were doing…

VALERIE

How long will it take to analyze all these?

VERA

Maybe… a few weeks.

VALERIE

A few weeks… Get the best people on this. I’ll pay.

Vera

No need, I’ll pay for it. You’re family.

VALERIE

Thank you, Vera. For everything.

Valerie leaves the office. Vera turns back to the petri sample and stares at it.

VERA

Valerie…

The bacteria in the sample morphs and moves in strange ways. It seems almost violent.

VERA

What the _hell_ did you catch…?

Suddenly, there’s a knock at the door. Vera packs up the bacteria samples and hides them.

VERA

Come in.

Vicky opens the door and enters, sitting at the seat she was in that morning.

VERA

Vicky? To what do I owe the pleasure?

VICKY

Um… can I ask you for some advice, Vera?

VERA

Advice, huh? Should I take my shirt off?

VICKY

(LAUGHING) Shush! (SERIOUS) No, um… it’s about Scott.

VERA

Scott… I saw you stood up to him for once. Good on you.

VICKY

Right, that’s the thing… Apparently Scott’s been having panic attacks.

Vera pauses.

VERA

He’s…

VICKY

He doesn’t know that’s what they are, he calls them “shakes”, but… yeah.

VERA

Panic attacks… is this related to football?

VICKY

It is. He’s scared of losing. Like, really, really scared.

Vera sighs.

VERA

Well we’re not exactly qualified to deal with that, are we…

VICKY

I wish I was…

VEra

Thankfully… I think I know someone who is.

VICKY

You do…?

VERA

You’ll have to ask Brian for her number though. I left pretty early that day… Ask him for Norah, he’ll know who you mean.

Vicky acquiesces and gets quiet.

VERA

Is there anything else?

VICKY

Vera… am I a bad person?

Vera leans back a little.

VERA

Why do you say that?

VICKY

Scott almost sacrificed himself in the forest. I doubt he got the full severity of what he was doing, but… he understood a lot more than I want to admit. Actually… I think I may have been a big part of what convinced him to do it.

VERA

Hmm…

VICKY

Scott trusts me so much. He trusts my word, and my opinion… it’s like he looks up to me in a way. I’m happy that he sees me like that, of course… but the _reason_ I’m happy? It’s starting to disgust me.

VERA

You like Scott.

VICKY

Yeah… I love him dearly as a friend, and I’ve looked over him for years… I want to protect and care for him, but despite all that, I like him. Beneath all that… there’s these feelings, you know?

VERA

There’s nothing _wrong_ about these feelings, Vicky…

VICKY

But the way I express those feelings… I feel like there _is_ something wrong. My crush, it’s making me act selfishly. Scott landed in this situation because I kept trying to push us toward romance and intimacy… I kept going along with him because I wanted to please him, but all that might be hurting him! It might be getting in the way of what I _ought_ to be doing… supporting him without ulterior motives.

VERA

So… what? What are you saying?

VICKY

I… I don’t think I should like Scott anymore.

VERA

… Is that really the answer? Shouldn’t you just learn to express your love more healthily?

VICKY

I wouldn’t be suggesting this if I thought I could…

VERA

What do you mean by that?

VICKY

I mean that I think I finally figured out the reason I like him. It’s not his kindness, or his demeanor… it’s not his muscles… it’s not what he did for me 6 years ago… It’s the fact that he always needs my help. It’s the fact that he gets in trouble and needs me to get him out… it’s how hopeless he gets when anything goes wrong, and how deeply thankful he is when I get him out of even the simplest bind. It’s that he needs me. And I love… being needed.

Vicky folds her arms and looks to the ground, guiltily.

VICKY

I love it. It’s why I’m in so many clubs… It’s why I joined the team in the first place. Nothing makes me happier than that… And I think that’s a real problem. The truth is, I _shouldn’t_ date a guy who feeds into my worst impulses… it wouldn’t be good for him, and it certainly wouldn’t be good for me.

Vera laughs to herself.

VICKY

…What do you think?

VERA

Incredible…

Vera gets up and walks over to her office’s mini-fridge.

VERA

You did the impossible, Vicky. You earned back my respect.

She opens it and grabs two beer cans.

VERA

I’m not going to say you made the best decision… the conclusion you came to isn’t 100% right _or_ wrong. All I’m saying is…

Vera sits back down and throws Vicky one of the beers. Vicky catches.

VERA

I’m happy to see you finally _make_ a decision. And I know your heart is in the right place.

VICKY

What’s this…?

VERA

It’s a beer.

Vera cracks it open.

VERA

Welcome to adulthood.

Vicky smiles shyly and cracks hers open as well.

VICKY

Uh, cheers.

Vicky and Vera drink. After a long sip, Vicky coughs a little.

VICKY

Yeesh, that never gets any easier…

Vera smiles at Vicky.

VICKY

What?

VERA

Sorry, it’s just… You’re older than me and today may be the first time I really saw that.

VICKY

Well we _are_ the oldest, you and I…

VERA

Isn’t Liam?

VICKY

Isn’t _Zoe_?

VERA

Who’s Zoe?

Vicky laughs.

BEAT.

VICKY

Oh, you’re serious.

FADE OUT:

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Episode was later than usual because I was editing it a lot... I was unsure about how this'd go over. It feels a little late to say it now, but this story's tags are subject to change.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uploading this one a little earlier since I've been late these past few weeks, and - most importantly - because this episode is quite lengthy. You've been warned!

FADE IN:

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, LIBRARY – MORNING

Amira sits, pensive, at a table in the library, pencil in hand and a textbook before her. She taps the worksheet she’s trudging through with the pencil and scratches her head.

Vera is beside her, studying as well. She notices Amira seems to be struggling.

VERA

Doing ok?

AMIRA

Yeah, I’m just… tryina figure out how to solve this.

VERA

Oh. You’re actually…

AMIRA

Doin’ the homework? Yeah, I am. I got it in front of me and everything.

VERA

You don’t have to bother with that, I could just pay someone to do it for you.

AMIRA

Nah, uh…

Amira nods to herself.

AMIRA

I wanna do this on my own. We got tests next week, right? I gotta be able to do this.

Amira goes back to the worksheet.

VERA

In… that case… I could explain it to you…?

AMIRA

Let me give it a shot first.

Vera pouts and goes back to studying. Amira smiles a little.

INT. SATYA’S BAR – EVENING

“10 YEARS AGO”

Match cut to a much younger Amira, sitting in one of the booth seats in Satya’s bar, doing multiplication worksheets. She’s bored. Satya sits in front of her and hisses.

AMIRA

I hate doing worksheets…

Satya hisses again.

AMIRA

I hate it!

Satya pleads with Amira.

AMIRA

But I don’t _want_ to do math when I grow up, Satya! It doesn’t matter if I’m good at it, I’m gonna be like--!

Amira notices the program playing on the TV in the corner of the bar and immediately stops working to run over and watch. Satya tries to stop her but shakes her head and watches her go, a smile on her face. Satya grabs the remote for the TV and turns up the volume.

Amira looks up at the TV in awe.

There’s a racing program airing, a race in the air kingdom just finished. An interviewer approaches the driver who came in first place: an air-person in sunglasses. The interviewer speaks.

INTERVIEWER

We’re here with the winner of the Elysium 400, none other than driver number 6 for the Hephaestus racing team, Justice Vasquez! How does it feel?

Justice salutes the screen before answering.

JUSTICE

WE HERE BABY! I just won the E-400!

INTERVIEWER

Woah, Justice! I see you’re elated!

JUSTICE

Hell yeah, I’m whatever you just said!

INTERVIEWER

I suppose even 10 seasons deep in your career, the excitement of victory never wears off.

JUSTICE

It never gets old! But nah, I’m… I’m happy. I’m happy today. Racin’ here… it makes me happy.

INTERVIEWER

And why’s that?

JUSTICE

‘Cause it validates me. Listen, all my fans know I was born in the air-kingdom but dumped off by my parents when I was little. They all know, just like how they know where I ended up! The G, bro!

AMIRA

(AWED) The G…

JUSTICE

The Ghoul Street aggregate, that’s home. You don’t know how big an honor it is for a poor kid growin’ up like me to be able to come back to this country and win these races, man. To show these people who didn’t want me who J.V. IS! Listen--

Justice takes the mic from the interviewer. Someone from off screen hands him the Elysium 400 trophy.

JUSTICE

Listen! I’m talkin’ to all my kids from Ghoul street right now, y’all see me?! Y’all see this trophy?! This could be you! Long as you want it, ain’t nothin’ stoppin’ y’all! I came from nothin’-- I came from _less_ than nothin’! And I made it here, to show every one of you that it’s possible! You _can_ make it out! anything can happen! You just gotta go and _make_ it happen! You feel me?! ANYTHING’S POSSIBLE!

Justice shoves the microphone back in the interviewer’s hands and goes to cheer with his racing team. The interviewer is at a loss for words.

INTERVIEWER

Uh, well… th-that was Justice Vasquez, winner of the Elysium 400! Currently having the best year of his career, we’re looking forward to his performance in the Monstropolis Pegasus 500!

Amira tunes out the interviewer and just focuses on Justice Vasquez celebrating. There’s a quiet reverence in her eyes… and a deep-seated hope that one day, she may also be in his shoes.

A poster of Justice in his number 6 car hangs on the far wall of the bar. The sounds of a car revving echoes in Amira’s mind.

EXT. OUTSIDE AMUN-RA HOTEL – EVENING 

The revving stops when a custom McLaren P1 stops in front of the world-famous Amun-Ra hotel.

INT. OUTSIDE AMUN-RA HOTEL, INSIDE AMIRA’S CAR - CONTINUOUS

Amira’s in the driver’s seat, wearing some exceptionally fancy clothes. She turns to Vera sitting beside her, wearing a form fitting dress. Amira whistles when she sees it.

VERA

What? It’s not the first time you’ve seen me in this, is it?

AMIRA

It always hits the same… Your figure is somethin’ else…

VERA

(TEASING) Hey! Eyes up here.

AMIRA

Oh, I know.

VERA

(FLATTERED) You’re not half bad either, you know.

AMIRA

Yeah, yeah… I’m in a suit though, everyone looks good in one.

VERA

You’d look good in one of these dresses too, I’m sure.

AMIRA

I don’t think I even wanna _try_ anymore, especially not after seein’ _you_ in one. you’re practically _made_ for that thing… You ever see someone so fine its demoralizing?

VERA

You’ve certainly gotten better at flattery recently, haven’t you…? (SERIOUS) Alright, let’s focus. This is it, Amira, I need to talk to you.

Vera presses a setting on the car’s touchscreen dashboard.

VOICE

(IN CAR) _Engaging soundproofing._

AMIRA

What the fuck was _that_ did the car just talk?! Fuck kinda inspector gadget-ass vehicle is this?!

VERA

Amira--

amira

Did you get this shit from the future, what did you put in here?!

VERA

Everything. (SERIOUS) Take a look at this.

Vera points to the illustrious hotel they’ve parked in front of: the Amun-Ra.

AMIRA

So _this_ is the Amun-Ra…

Amira admires the towering building.

VERA

Named and built to honor this city’s political liaison to the middle eastern kingdom of Manat. It was funded in large part by the Manatian royal family, I theorize as a show of power; It’s a little demeaning to us that they can just absentmindedly fund one of the most luxurious hotels in the world…

AMIRA

You said there was a party going on here?

VERA

Not just one, there are dozens: a convergence of more than a few political gatherings, retirement parties for CEOs, a wedding or two, underworld meetings, so on and so forth. The Amun-Ra is practically rented top to bottom tonight. 80 of its hundred floors are booked.

AMIRA

That sounds like a lot… I feel bad for the hotel staff…

VERA

Don’t. This is all a ploy. These parties are all a cover.

AMIRA

Oooh, I love when you talk about shady shit like this.

VERA

Believe me, Amira, it doesn’t get any shadier than this. All these parties are camouflage for what’s _really_ happening tonight… Nearly everyone in this building is linked in some way to this city’s mayor: a human by the name of John Smith. He’s been mayor for 30 years.

AMIRA

Y’all don’t got term limits out here? That doesn’t sound legal.

VERA

It’s not. He’s achieved it through decades of tampering and an uncountable number of back alley deals, shady connections, crimes, monster rights violations… this guy is the ultimate crooked politician. He’s been pulling the strings behind Monstropolis’ rise for a lot longer than even his three decades in office. His charisma and cunning have propelled him into the center of an immense web of power where the wealthiest few in Monstropolis’ elite continuously grow richer and more powerful, while keeping everyone below them stagnant. That man is here. All these people are waiting for him to reveal his plans for the following year.

Amira gulps.

VERA

… We’ll be trying to meet him tonight.

AMIRA

M-Meet him?

VERA

Yes.

AMIRA

That sounds kinda underwhelming, we’re criminals shouldn’t we like… steal his shit or something?

VERA

We became criminals _specifically_ to meet him, Amira.

AMIRA

We did?

VERA

Everything we’ve done was in service of this goal: to become part of John Smith’s inner circle… and propel ourselves into the highest peak of power monsterkind can achieve.

AMIRA

Alright… I’m kinda getting into it! Where’s the guy?

VERA

John Smith’s on the hundredth floor.

AMIRA

Let’s just elevator all the way up, then.

VERA

Unfortunately, we can’t.

AMIRA

Of _course_ we can’t…

VERA

What we are, being crime lords, that’s only enough to get us in the door. To meet the man up there… we’re going to have to sneak up all one hundred floors of this hotel.

AMIRA

We’re _really_ in a spy movie now, huh…?

VERA

Indeed. All these parties are exactly the cover we need: no one’ll notice two ladies shuffling around with this many people. We’ll just pretend we fit in wherever we end up and sneak all the way to the top.

AMIRA

I guess this is why you made me take that acting class last week… Kinda thought you wanted to get to know me better, but whatever…

VERA

Amira, I already know you.

AMIRA

There’s a lot about me you don’t know.

Amira smiles at Vera. Vera smiles back but gets serious just as fast.

VERA

Amira…

Vera takes Amira’s hand.

VERA

Even _I_ don’t know what we’ll find in there. The further up we go, the higher the likelihood that we’ll be put face to face with the bedrock of this city: the people who run it from behind the scenes… the deepest part of the underworld. If we learn secrets they don’t want us leaking… they have the means to kill us immediately. Do you understand?

Amira smiles, confidence radiating from her. Vera returns it.

vera

I didn’t even need to ask.

AMIRA

If we die, then so it goes. At least we’ll die together, right?

Amira pops the driver’s side door open and gets out. She goes over to the passenger’s side and leads Vera out by the hand.

VERA

Amira… I’m glad I met you.

AMIRA

Same. Let’s burn this place to the ground, alright?

VERA

Now you’re speaking my language.

The hotel looms before them.

TITLE: “ ”

THEME SONG

ACT ONE

INT. OUTSIDE AMUN-RA, ENTRANCE - CONTINUOUS

Vera and Amira walk up the steps to the hotel. They open the doors and enter the threshold of its entrance. They’re stopped by security guards, who lead them to a doorman behind a counter.

DOORMAN

Salutations! Welcome to the Amun-Ra hotel. To what do I owe the pleasure?

VERA

We’ve got some reservations.

AMIRA

We’ve been saving up _all_ year for this! we’re _so_ excited!

DOORMAN

That so! I’m happy for you two!

The doorman looks below the counter to grab a blue binder labelled “RESERVATIONS”.

DOORMAN

This place isn’t famous for nothing; You’ll _love_ it here.

VERA

I certainly hope so… I don’t usually do stuff like this but…

Vera gives the doorman a knowing look.

VERA

Tonight’s a special night.

The doorman silently registers this look, even if his face doesn’t show it. He pushes the blue binder aside and garbs a much smaller red binder, with no label.

DOORMAN

You said you had reservations… what are your names?

VERA

Vera Oberlin.

AMIRA

Amira Rashid.

DOORMAN

Hm.

The doorman looks in the red binder. He finds their names.

DOORMAN

That’s strange. Oberlin and Rashid? I can’t find your names.

The doorman gives the girls a subtle glance.

AMIRA

Aw, man…

Amira puts her arm up and scratches the back of her neck.

AMIRA

For real?

VERA

Really…

Vera puts her arm up and brushes her hair aside.

VERA

What a shame.

Both girls are wearing ornate, golden bangles that their prior motions only served to subtly display to doorman. The doorman takes notice and looks back in the binder. He takes an opaque marker and removes Vera and Amira’s names from the list.

DOORMAN

It seems I’ve made a mistake! Your names are here.

VERA

Hurray!

AMIRA

Phew! You really helped me out, she would’ve _killed_ me if we couldn’t get in.

VERA

You’re the best, Amira.

AMIRA

You’re better.

DOORMAN

Have fun, you two.

The doorman hands the girls a business card.

DOORMAN

Have a great night.

AMIRA

Thanks!

Amira and Vera walk by the security guards. However, as they get close, Vera trips on her high heels and accidentally pushes Amira on the security guard.

SECURITY GUARD #1

Woah!

AMIRA

A-Ah! Sorry!

Amira gets off him, embarrassed.

VERA

I apologize as well. I’m very sorry, sir.

SECURITY GUARD #1

No worries…

Amira and Vera walk away and into the hotel’s entrance hall.

INT. AMUN-RA, ENTRANCE HALL – CONTINUOUS 

AMIRA

Holy…

Amira is awed by the grandiosity of the hall. There’s a gold sheen to nearly everything. The opulence of this space reflects the sense of superiority and exclusivity those who frequent this place must feel. A massive marble and gold sculpture stands in the center within a fountain. Various patrons and visitors mill about.

Amira and Vera approach the statue.

VERA

I believe this is a member of Manatian royalty.

AMIRA

She’s, uh… real pretty?

VERA

(LAUGHING) What was that? That was so awkward.

AMIRA

(LAUGHING) Sorry, I… I panicked.

VERA

(LAUGHING) It’s not like she’s _here_ or anything, you don’t have to force yourself to give her a compliment.

AMIRA

(LAUGHING) Just fuckin’ let me fail quietly, damn…

Amira looks down and reads the inscription.

AMIRA

(READING) “We here honor the great Queen of the Kingdom of Manat, Mother Al-Uzzā. May her reign be long and prosperous.” Oh, so this chick’s the Queen? Good for her. Girl power.

vera

Statue aside…

Vera reads the business card she got from the doorman. It’s an advertisement for the Amun-Ra’s catering services, specifically the bar.

VERA

The bar…

AMIRA

That’s the card the door guy gave you, right?

VERA

It’s a signal. The “reservation” we have is to partake in a meeting with the other crime lords. It’s taking place at the hotel’s bar.

AMIRA

 _Another_ meeting… don’t tell me we really gotta go to that shit, I fuckin’ hate talkin’ to those clowns…

VERA

I hate it just as much as you do, trust me… Don’t worry, we won’t be attending. All we needed was this card: It looks like a business card, but there’s an NFC chip in here. Tonight, so as to limit the wandering around from regular hotel guests, the only way to use the elevator is to have one of these. Swiping this on the reader in the elevator gets it moving.

AMIRA

You sure you never been here before?

VERA

Why do you think I went to city hall last month? I had to learn about these cards _some_ way, didn’t I? This card is, as much as I’m loathe to say it, permission to travel freely between this floor and the floor the bar is on. We won’t arouse any suspicious with other “guests” regardless of our movements with this.

AMIRA

That sounds good, but why are you “loathe” to say that shit?

VERA

The reason is that the bar is on floor 10.

AMIRA

… Aren’t there a hundred floors in here?

VERA

Yes. Ugh… (FRUSTRATED) The point of establishing our presence in the underworld was to gain access _to_ the hotel on this specific night. I know that us having been able to travel higher more freely was just a bonus… and yet, I’m still pissed that those months of work only amounted to 10 floors of progress.

AMIRA

Nothin’ we can do about it now…

VERA

Well I wouldn’t say _nothing…_ I tripped onto you for a reason, after all. Speaking of…

Vera glances slightly at the Security guard by the entrance. He’s distracted.

VERA

How much did you get off him?

AMIRA

Easier question is what _didn’t_ I get off him.

Amira pulls a wallet and a ring of keys from her pocket. She’s also wearing a new watch. Wonder where she got it…

VERA

Incredible…

AMIRA

What can I say? I’m good with my hands.

VERA

How _did_ you get so good?

AMIRA

Same way anyone gets good at anything…

Amira throws up the wallet and catches it rhythmically.

AMIRA

Practice.

INT. GHOUL STREET BUYERS – DAYTIME

“10 YEARS AGO”

Match cut to Russel, the elderly satyr owner of the pawn shop Ghoul Street Buyers, throwing up a wallet and catching it rhythmically.

He looks down disapprovingly at Amira, who herself looks irritated. Satya stands beside her, remorseful.

RUSSEL

Now, what on earth is a little girl like you doing snatching wallets?!

Russel slams the wallet down on his counter. Satya hisses, apologizing profusely.

RUSSEL

Have you lost your mind?! What the heck are you learnin’ these days?! I hope you’re not runnin’ with those rowdy boys from across the block…

AMIRA

I’m not, Russ!

RUSSEL

Then what are you doin’ this for?!

AMIRA

I’m--!

Amira looks away in frustration.

AMIRA

I’m not gonna tell you!

russel

Oh, you’re not gonna tell me, huh? Why not?

AMIRA

‘Cause you’ll tell me to stop or that I’m dumb if I tell you…

RUSSEL

Now why would you think that?

AMIRA

‘Cause I told Satya and she started saying I was dumb and that I should do worksheets and math homework and stuff… I’m not gonna tell you if you think its stupid.

RUSSEL

Satya?

Satya clearly states she didn’t call Amira “dumb,” but is reluctant to explain what Amira’s refusing to share. Russel sighs and his expression softens. He walks over to Amira and crouches in front of her.

RUSSEL

Amira, I’m not gonna think it’s dumb. Just tell me what you’re doin’ this for, for cryin’ out loud! You got so many people worried, we don’t know _where_ you’re gettin’ these habits! We don’t want you growin’ up crooked… Where’s your mind at?

AMIRA

… I’m trying to make money.

RUSSEL

For what?

BEAT.

AMIRA

I wanna be a racer--

RUSSEL

(INCENSED) You wanna _WHAT?!_

AMIRA

See?! I told you, you’re gonna say its stupid!

Amira screws up her face, trying to hide that she’s more than a little hurt.

RUSSEL

A-Amira, I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to yell like that. You wanna be a racer?

AMIRA

Yeah. I wanna race cars. I wanna be on the Pegasus 500.

RUSSEL

You wanna race… what do you need my wallet for? (LAUGHING) You wanna take my license or somethin’?

AMIRA

I need money. Racin’ cars, its not cheap. J.V. was talkin’ about it on T.V. he said “the biggest hurdle for me was payin’ for the car.”

RUSSEL

You need money… Well, smart of that Justice Vasquez fellow to tell kids that. That man’s right: if you wanna race, you’ll need to save up quite a lot of money. And by _save_ I don’t mean _steal_.

Russel puts his wallet back in his pocket securely.

RUSSEL

You can’t steal wallets.

AMIRA

But… how do I make money?

Amira deflates.

AMIRA

I always hear Satya talkin’ ‘bout how we don’t got money… money’s hard to make, ain’t it? How do I make it?

RUSSEL

Listen here, Amira. In this world, there’s only one way to make money: you work for it.

AMIRA

I gotta work…?

RUSSEL

A job. That’s why you go to school, so you can get a good job and make loads of money.

AMIRA

 _That’s_ why I go to school?

RUSSEL

That’s why.

Amira seems dissatisfied.

AMIRA

But school sucks…

Satya hisses.

AMIRA

It sucks! It sucks, it’s the _worst!_ Can’t I just get a job _without_ goin’ to school?!

RUSSEL

Hmmm… Actually, you know what? If you want a job _now,_ I think I got somethin’ you might be interested in.

AMIRA

Really?? What is it, Russ?

RUSSEL

One of my customers has a restaurant. She’s been lookin’ for a lil’ somebody to go and wait tables.

AMIRA

Waiting tables…?

Amira thinks to herself. Satya seems alarmed and asks Russel for the logistics. Russel walks over to her, out of Amira’s earshot.

RUSSEL

(WHISPERING) Don’t worry, I know Amira’s education comes first. This is just so we can make her realize you can’t get out of doin’ the hard stuff in life! She don’t like school, right? She might see it different after realizin’ how hard work can be.

Satya doesn’t seem quite convinced.

RUSSEL

(WHISPERING) It’ll be _fine._ You know Amira, no way she’ll stick with it for more than a week.

AMIRA

Alright! I’ve decided!

Amira stands proudly.

AMIRA

I’m gonna wait tables!

ACT TWO

INT. AMUN-RA FLOOR 7, HALLWAY – EVENING

A hotel maid walks with a laundry cart through the hallway of hotel rooms. She passes by a door slightly ajar. She pays it no mind.

Her mistake: Two hands grab her and drag her into the hotel room.

HOTEL MAID

WHA--

BEAT.

Amira comes out, donning her clothes.

AMIRA

Don’t I look good? I look good!

Amira turns back to the door, where Vera comes out donning another hotel maid’s outfit.

VERA

At least _you’re_ enjoying it…

Vera hides their old outfits in the laundry cart.

AMIRA

Cheer up, Vera. You look great in it too.

VERA

When _don’t_ I?

Amira and Vera take the laundry cart down the hallway in the same direction as the hotel maid from a second ago.

AMIRA

We’re on floor 7…

VERA

Three floors left. There wasn’t a pass to floors above in that security guard’s pockets or anything, was there?

AMIRA

Nope.

VERA

Tsk… We’ll have to find a member of hotel staff on the next two floors and pretend we don’t know where to go.

AMIRA

That sounds dangerous…

VERA

Let’s hope we find someone new to the job.

AMIRA

We’re leaving it to chance?

VERA

We’re going to be leaving a _lot_ up to chance tonight.

Amira and Vera arrive at the elevator and board.

INT. AMUN-RA, INSIDE ELEVATOR (FLOOR 7 > 8) – CONTINUOUS

amira

That’s not good… I’ve never been lucky in my life.

VERA

Good for you: I’m exceedingly lucky.

AMIRA

So what, does that equal out to… 50% luck?

VERA

Sure, let’s go with that.

The elevator dings, arriving at floor 8.

vera

Fifty percent chance that we can proceed from here… what’ll it be?

???

H-hey!

A young, nervous-looking cyclops in a suit runs to the door of the elevator and holds it open.

CYCLOPS

Geez, I’ve been waiting for an elevator for half an hour! H-Haha… Is this going up? I need to get to floor 27.

Amira and Vera look at each other for an instant, before getting into character. Vera nods overenthusiastically.

CYCLOPS

Great!

The cyclops gets in the elevator and lets the door close. He presses the button for 27. The elevator requests his card… He pulls out a business card and swipes it. The elevator begins moving.

CYCLOPS

Are you two going to…?

The cyclops motions to the buttons to request a floor. Amira speaks with a higher pitch than usual.

AMIRA

We’re actually going on floor 27 too, so…

CYCLOPS

Really! What a coincidence.

AMIRA

Yes, sir!

CYCLOPS

Hey… you sound pretty young, how old are you?

AMIRA

19 years old, sir. 

CYCLOPS

19! And already working? Wow.

AMIRA

I’m just trying to pay for tuition. I’m going to a private school.

CYCLOPS

Which one?

amira

… The Nix School.

CYCLOPS

Really? I went too!

AMIRA

No way!

CYCLOPS

How do you like it?

amira

It’s great… it’s a little expensive, though.

CYCLOPS

Yeah, no lie… we definitely couldn’t have afforded it without my dad’s job…

AMIRA

What does your dad do?

CYCLOPS

He runs the bank.

AMIRA

Oh like, a bank manager?

CYCLOPS

Bank Founder.

AMIRA

Oh.

CYCLOPS

Yeah, it’s… I mean it’s what he does, can’t get around that.

AMIRA

Must be great to have a dad with a job like that.

CYCLOPS

Well… I won’t complain, but it makes it hard to meet people.

AMIRA

Really?

CYCLOPS

Yeah, it’s like… I meet someone nice and they say “hey, let’s go meet your parents” and then, uh… They see the mansion…

The cylops sighs.

CYCLOPS

And then they see the four other mansions…

AMIRA

Oh…

The cyclops thinks to himself for a bit before speaking.

CYCLOPS

Hey, uh… this is gonna sound pretty weird, but can I ask you something?

AMIRA

Yeah?

CYCLOPS

Like, ok… you can say no if you want, it’s no problem. It’s just… I’m actually going to my brother’s anniversary dinner. That’s what’s on floor 27.

AMIRA

Anniversary, is he married?

CYCLOPS

Yep, for 10 years now.

AMIRA

Oh wow! Congratulations to your brother.

CYCLOPS

Right, of course. The problem is… he wanted me to come with a date and I kinda…

AMIRA

I see…

CYCLOPS

Don’t have one, yeah. So, I was wondering if you’d wanna like… come? To this, with me. (CATCHING HIMSELF, NERVOUS) D-Don’t worry, we’re not gonna do anything date-y, we just met after all… my brother’s worried about me for always coming to stuff like this alone and I kinda want him to leave me be for a little while, you know?

AMIRA

Yeah, I know. I’ll come, sure.

CYCLOPS

Really??

AMIRA

My shift’s almost done anyway. Nobody’ll mind if I take off. It’s why I was going to floor 27 anyway, I can’t wait to get out of this outfit.

CYCLOPS

Awesome! I’ll wait for you by the door to the banquet hall!

AMIRA

One last thing, can my friend come?

CYCLOPS

Your--

The cyclops turns to Vera who’s been there the whole time.

CYCLOPS

Oh, you two are friends?

AMIRA

Yeah, we got the job together.

CYCLOPS

Sure, your friend can come. Least I could do, you’re really doing me a solid here…

The elevator dings.

CYCLOPS

Here! Oh, uh… I-I’m Jeremy by the way, nice to meet you.

AMIRA

I’m Colette. This is Evelyn.

Vera waves.

JEREMY

Colette… Evelyn. Alright!

The three from the elevator exit.

INT. AMUN-RA FLOOR 27, BANQUET HALL – CONTINUOUS

Jeremy and the girls go opposite directions. Once Jeremy is out of earshot, the girls drop the act.

AMIRA

See? I told you I wasn’t fuckin’ lucky.

VERA

He really spoke to you the whole time… I even tried to seem like the more approachable one.

AMIRA

Swear to god he better not ask me nothin’ else about that fuckin’ Nix School…

VERA

Aren’t you glad we did that class now? I told you we’d need it.

AMIRA

I was panicking that whole time, girl…

VERA

I know. I’ll do the rest of the heavy lifting, Just entertain Jeremy and his family for a bit while I find someone to carry us to a higher floor.

AMIRA

Good thing we kept our old dresses…

INT. AMUN-RA FLOOR 27, BANQUET HALL – LATER

Amira sits beside Jeremy, a little tense and uncomfortable. In front of them, Jeremy’s brother and his wife whisper sweet nothings to each other.

JEREMY’S BROTHER

No, _you’re_ the cutest…

JEREMY’S SISTER-IN-LAW

No, _YOU’RE_ the cutest…!

AMIRA

Um…

JEREMY

Y-yeah.

AMIRA

Overbearing, huh?

JEREMY

They’re always like this. I’m just glad I’m not alone with them this time.

Jeremy’s brother stops giving his wife eskimo kisses and turns his attention to his brother.

JEREMY’S BROTHER

Hey, lil’ bro.

JEREMY

Hey, Jason.

JASON

I see you got a date to this thing! I’m glad, for a while there I thought you’d never pull it off.

Jeremy laughs awkwardly.

Jeremy

This is, uh, Colette.

AMIRA

It’s great to meet you.

JASON

How’d you two meet?

jeremy

Well, y’know, we met, uh… same way everyone meets these days.

BEAT.

JEREMY

(NERVOUS) … O-online?

JASON

Online. That doesn’t surprise me, you’re always plugged in. (TO AMIRA) This guy spent his whole teenage years on the computer.

JEREMY

H-hey! Don’t tell her that…

Jason and his wife laugh. Amira laughs politely.

jeremy

Well, yeah I’m uh… I’m getting a degree in programming right now.

JASON

I don’t know _why_ you’re bothering, you know dad could just set you up someplace…

JEREMY

I-I don’t like that.

JASON

Why not? It’s what everybody does. Honestly, I don’t know why people bother trying to climb the ladder… It’s always gonna be the people here who stay at the top.

JEREMY

I know, but… don’t you think that might be wrong?

JASON

Tell that to all the money I’m making! I mean, do you think I _deserve_ to be a minister of employment? No! But I still am, Baby!

Jason laughs uproariously.

JASON

Good for me though, I get to take jobs out of that little tumor Mayor John Smith attached to the city 30 years ago. What was it called again?

AMIRA

The Ghoul street aggregate?

JASON

Yeah, That’s it.

AMIRA

What about it?

JASON

It’s a dump. Literally. I don’t know _why_ Mayor John Smith keeps it part of the city when he could just tear it all down and actually make it _liveable_ …

AMIRA

Yeah…

Jason keeps talking. Amira tunes him out and glances at Vera. Vera sits alone at a table, eating politely… at first. After an instant, her gaze turns cold and calculating.

VERA

(TO HERSELF) Alright, girls…

Vera closes her eyes. Her head snakes hiss in unison and spread out, looking in every direction.

VERA

Let’s see who’s attending this thing why don’t we…?

Vera uses her snakes and their individual eyes and nervous systems to parse through the visual information of everyone attending and categorize them. She knows everyone, so her goal is to find a mark with a high likelihood of having access to a higher floor.

After a while of her scanning she finds what she’s looking for.

VOICE #1

(V.O.) We’re going to the restaurant after this, right? The one on floor 60?

VOICE #2

(V.O.) Aren’t we eating now? We don’t have to go to the restaurant _again._

VOICE #1

But _I_ wanna go!

VOICE #2

Ugh, fine… you can go on your own, though, I just wanna go to bed after this. Here’s the card.

VERA

Bingo.

The monster who was just speaking gets up from her table. Vera takes a look at her walking speed and deduces the exact amount of time she’ll need to get from her table to the elevator. She texts Amira.

Amira receives Vera’s text and reads it.

VERA

(TEXT) “red dress. Leave in 30s.”

jeremy

What’s up, Colette?

AMIRA

Ah, it’s my boss. Apparently someone forgot to clean up the rec room _again._ I gotta jet, sorry about this.

JEREMY

No worries. Hey…

Jeremy motions to his brother and sister-in-law, who are off entertaining other guests. Incidentally, Amira and Vera’s target has exited the Banquet hall.

JEREMY

Thanks for helping me out with this, I really appreciate it. Maybe they’ll get off my back now, you know?

AMIRA

Yeah.

JEREMY

Good luck with work. I’ll give them an excuse.

AMIRA

Thanks, Jeremy.

JEREMY

You’re welcome.

Amira gets up and leaves briskly, followed by Vera.

INT. AMUN-RA FLOOR 27, NEAR ELEVATOR – CONTINUOUS

The woman from before enters the elevator and presses the button to close the door. Just as she does so, though, two hands come and keep the door open.

Amira and Vera slide their way into the elevator.

AMIRA

Phew!

Vera

Made it just in time.

WOMAN

Uh… who are _you_ two?

AMIRA

My names Colette.

VERA

Evelyn.

WOMAN

I’ve like, _never_ seen you two before. You realize this is like, an exclusive elevator, right?

Amira and Vera roll their eyes.

WOMAN

You should like, get off right now--

One of Vera’s snakes shoots out and bites the woman in the neck. Amira puts her hand over the woman’s mouth so her screams are muffled. She thrashes in pain for a few moments. The life drains from her eyes.

VERA

We were going to have to do this anyway. We needed her level 60 card.

AMIRA

I feel bad for whoever’s daughter this is. Oh well!

Amira takes the level 60 card and hands it to Vera. She looks up and finds a grate on top of the elevator, used for when workers need to do repairs.

AMIRA

Boost me.

Vera crouches and boosts Amira up to the grate. She melts it open and drops down, before grabbing the unconscious body of the girl.

AMIRA

Boost me again.

Vera complies. Amira chucks the body on top of the elevator through the grate.

AMIRA

Phew! Disposed of.

Amira, however, notices something on the ground. There’s a drop of blood at her feet.

Amira takes a napkin from her pocket and wipes the blood away.

INT. GHOUL STREET AGGREGATE, NANSI’S – DAYTIME

Match cut to a 10-year old Amira trying her best to clean the floor.

Nansi’s is a quaint, if a little rustic, Jamaican diner. We can tell from just a look that whoever owns this place deeply cares for it, even if the funds to make it look perfect aren’t exactly there.

??? 

(V.O.) Ah… look at her go.

Behind the restaurant counter stands Satya and the woman who was just speaking, the middle-aged half-spider from whom the restaurant gets its namesake: Quanisia “Nansi” Anansi. She looks impressed at Amira’s hustle, and nods approvingly at Satya.

NANSI

What did you teach this little girl, Satya? Barely 10 years old and already working!

Satya seems unsure.

NANSI

It’s a marvel… Kids her age only care about playin’ and runnin’ around. Havin’ a responsible one is find! It’s a find for me too, you know, children don’t know the value of money yet, you can pay ‘em half as much and they’ll take it. _Trust_ me. 

Nansi winks at Satya.

AMIRA

(O.S.) Did you say somethin’ ‘bout me?

NANSI

We said you’re hired!

Satya hisses in surprise. Amira gets up and jumps for joy.

AMIRA

I’m hired, alright! So, uh…

Amira looks expectantly at Nansi.

NANSI

What’s wrong, Amira? (CAUTIOUS) I hope you’re not tired _already,_ you need to get under the tables over there.

AMIRA

I was actually wondering when I could stop cleaning and start… waiting tables?

NANSI

What do you mean, stop? You’re a cleaner, you clean.

AMIRA

I--! What?!

NANSI

Did you not tell her, Satya? I needed a waiter _and_ a cleaner. You’re the cleaner.

AMIRA

Who’s the waiter, then?!

NANSI

Someone I hope will grow some confidence with the job…

Just as Nansi says this, a little girl wearing a thick sweater and opaque sunglasses walks in, clutching a book. She’s got her backpack on.

NANSI

Kiyana! How was school, dearie?

Kiyana looks down and says nothing.

NANSI 

… You wore the glasses today too… take those things off already, you look like a _thief._

Kiyana vigorously shakes her head no. Nansi sighs.

nansi

Kiyana, I decided to make you wait the tables at the restaurant.

Kiyana whips her head up in shock. She shakes her head no even more vigorously.

NANSI

You need to! Maybe talkin’ to customers will liven you up.

Kiyana steps back a little, scared and trembling. She slowly grabs the door to the restaurant.

NANSI

K-Kiyana? What are you--?

… She turns and runs away.

NANSI

Hey!

It’s too late, Kiyana’s gone. Nansi seems regretful.

NANSI

That girl…

Satya hisses.

NANSI

That’s my girl Kiyana. She’s smart, but… shy. Kiyana goes everywhere with those glasses. Always with the sweater on too, it could be _blazing_ outside she’ll still make a fuss about wearin’ it.

Satya hisses again, pensive.

NANSI

I don’t know what to do… I don’t want her growin’ up like this. _Scared_ of the world…

Amira has an inscrutable expression on her face. She goes back to cleaning the floor. Nansi looks at her… and has an idea.

NANSI

Amira! Could you go talk to Kiyana for me?

AMIRA

Me?

NANSI

Ask her to come home. I’ll make food for you both when you return.

Amira shrugs and walks out of the store. Satya hisses at Nansi, worried.

NANSI

Maybe she’ll listen to a girl her age… I’ve tried everything, Satya…

EXT. OUTSIDE NANSI’S RESTAURANT – CONTINUOUS 

Amira looks around, trying to find Kiyana. Suddenly, she hears the sound of a girl yelling around the corner. Amira runs toward it.

EXT. ALLEYWAY NEAR NANSI’S RESTAURANT – CONTINUOUS

Kiyana’s surrounded by 3 older boys, all wearing elaborate uniforms for what must be a pretty prestigious private school. One of them is holding her book high above her head.

KIYANA

G-Give it back…!

boy #1

(MOCKING) _Give it back…!_

The boy pushes her down. Kiyana thuds on the ground, yelping pathetically. The boys laugh at her misery.

KIYANA

P-Please…

BOY #2

Who _is_ this bum, is she _homeless?_

BOY #3

Look at those rags she’s wearing! Did she get them out of the garbage?

KIYANA

I-I’m not homeless…

BOY #1

Shut up!

One of the boys pulls Kiyana up by her hair. Kiyana tries her best to withstand the pain but tears up.

BOY #1

You guys wanna see something creepy?

Kiyana’s filled with dread.

KIYANA

P-Please no!

The boy whips Kiyana’s sunglasses off. Kiyana keeps her eyes shut.

BOY #1

Show them, come on!

The boy slaps her hard and pulls her eyelids open.

Kiyana’s eyes are pale, white and cyan.

BOYS

(SIMULATENOUS) EWWWW!

The boys mock Kiyana, while she tears herself away from their grip and desperately tries to reach for her sunglasses. One of the boys trips her, and she falls on the ground again.

AMIRA

(O.S.) HEY!

The boys turn to Amira, who stands before them with her chest puffed out and a mean expression on her face.

AMIRA

What the _heck_ are you guys doing!?

BOY #1

Who are _you_?

AMIRA

My name’s Amira! If you guys don’t stop this right now, I’m gonna whoop all of you!

The boys burst out laughing.

BOY #2

Is she _serious?!_

BOY #3

A little girl, beating _us_ up?!

Amira puts her little fists up, which makes them laugh even harder.

The first boy, the biggest, walks up to Amira threateningly. He steps on Kiyana while doing so.

KIYANA

O-Ow…

AMIRA

Don’t get any closer! Or else… I’m gonna use my special move!

BOY #1

Oh yeah?

The boy steps right up to Amira, imposing.

BOY #1

(TAUNTING) Do it, then.

AMIRA

Ok.

Amira puts her hand on the Boy’s shirt.

His shirt catches fire.

BOY #1

AAAAAAAAAAAAH! WH--?! WHAT THE HELL?!

The boy runs away.

BOY #1

MOM! MOMMY!

He’s gone. The other two boys look at each other. Amira puts her smoldering hand up.

BEAT.

BOY #2

… we didn’t actually wanna bully her, like--

BOY #3

Yeah, we don’t even really mind her or anything--

BOY #2

She looks nice, she seems nice--

BOY #3

We’re just gonna go, I think we’re gonna miss Power Rangers.

BOY #2

We almost missed it! Good catch.

The boys scurry away. Kiyana’s shocked… Amira walks over, grabs Kiyana’s sunglasses, and offers them to her.

AMIRA

Here. Can you stand?

Kiyana just looks up at her, in awe.

INT. NANSI’S RESTAURANT – A LITTLE LATER

Amira sits opposite Kiyana at a table in the restaurant. Kiyana’s been bandaged up. She still has her book, thankfully, but she’s put the sunglasses on again. Nansi and Satya are in the kitchen. The little girls can hear Nansi angrily rant about how furious she is that she didn’t know Kiyana was being bullied.

NANSI

(O.S., IN KITCHEN) I swear if I catch those little brats again, I’m givin’ them a beating they’ll NEVER forget!

amira

… Sorry that all happened to you. I’ve seen those guys once or twice: They’re from one of the rich places, they come here to bully people.

Kiyana keeps looking down, clearly traumatized by the experience. Amira thinks for a bit and sits up from her chair, before walking over to Kiyana’s side and sitting right next to her. Kiyana pushes herself away and clutches her book tightly.

AMIRA

H--… hey.

Even though Amira spoke softly, Kiyana’s still startled.

AMIRA

U-uh--! Are you okay?

Kiyana trembles and does her best to avoid Amira’s gaze altogether.

AMIRA

… What’s that book about? You like reading?

Kiyana looks at Amira a little but looks away just as fast.

AMIRA

I’m not tryina scare you…

Amira slowly but surely approaches Kiyana. Kiyana draws back.

AMIRA

I wanna talk to you.

Kiyana glances at Amira. Despite Amira’s youth, there’s almost a mature sincerity in her gaze. Kiyana is affected by it and lets her guard down a tad.

AMIRA

Do you wanna talk about that book?

Kiyana nods slightly.

AMIRA

What is it? Show me.

Kiyana seems reluctant…

AMIRA

Please?

… But she concedes. She slowly but surely puts the book up to show Amira.

AMIRA

You’re--?!

Amira’s eyes widen in shock.

Kiyana, still frightened, peeks out from behind her book to find Amira utterly elated. 

Kiyana’s been reading a book on automobile design.

AMIRA

You’re reading a book on cars?!

Kiyana nods shyly.

AMIRA

I LOVE cars!

Amira beams. Amira’s passion makes Kiyana blush slightly.

AMIRA

Which one’s your favorite?? Mine’s, uh--! Agh, there’s too many good ones! I like Porsche and Mercedes-Benz, and Lamborghini’s are pretty cool-- Oh! And I saw a cool Chevrolet on T.V. the other day!

Amira continues talking about cars with all the excitement a 10-year-old can manifest. Kiyana’s walls come down a little more.

KIYANA

(QUIET) F-…

Amira stops and stares at Kiyana, expectant.

KIYANA

… F-Ferrari. (LOOKING AWAY) That’s, um… m-my favorite.

Kiyana winces a little, nearly regretting telling Amira that. When she looks back at Amira, though… that feeling dissipates.

AMIRA

That’s awesome. 

Amira’s smile conveys how much she truly means it.

AMIRA

Haha! You’re awesome.

KIYANA

(TAKEN ABACK) I’m…

AMIRA

Show me the book! I wanna see!!

Amira eggs Kiyana on. Kiyana slowly opens the book to a dog-eared page.

amira

Woah…

The book is filled with complex schematics and pictures.

AMIRA

(MYSTIFIED) What _is_ this stuff…

KIYANA

 _That’s_ the engine. It makes the car go.

AMIRA

You… you _understand_ all this?!

KIYANA

Y-yeah…

AMIRA

Kiyana… are you a genius?!

KIYANA

N-no! No, I’m--

AMIRA

How does it work? Tell me, how does the engine work??

Amira’s genuine curiosity makes Kiyana concede, and she starts explaining.

KIYANA

You see these things? These are pistons. Basically…

Kiyana explains to Amira how a car engine works.

AMIRA

Woah… There’s explosions in the engine?!

KIYANA

Little ones, yeah…

AMIRA

That’s so sick! Kiyana, you’re so smart!

KIYANA

(SURPRISED) Um…

Kiyana looks anxious after giving Amira that explanation.

AMIRA

What’s up?

KIYANA

Y-You don’t think it’s… weird?

AMIRA

Weird? Why?

KIYANA

It’s, um… I’m a girl and… I know stuff like this…

amira

Why would it be weird?

Kiyana hugs her knees.

AMIRA

It’s something you like, right?

Kiyana nods slightly.

AMIRA

I like it too! And I’m not weird, so you’re not weird either!

Amira’s reasoning is simple, but it affects Kiyana. Kiyana finally manages to smile just a little.

AMIRA

How’d you get into cars?

KIYANA

My daddy worked at the scrapyard.

There’s a framed picture of a smiling man in the corner of the restaurant. A single stick of incense burns beside it.

KIYANA

… He took me sometimes.

AMIRA

Scrap yard?! That’s amazing!

KIYANA

Y-Y--… yeah… Um, Wh-what about you?

AMIRA

Justice Vasquez!

KIYANA

Justice…!

AMIRA

I wanna be just like him growin’ up! Race car driver!

KIYANA

I-I--!

Kiyana gathers her courage.

KIYANA

I’ve never told anybody this… a-and don’t tell mommy I said this either, she’d kill me if she found out I’m still thinkin’ about it…

AMIRA

I won’t tell anyone.

KIYANA

… I wanna be an engineer. I wanna make cars when I grow up.

AMIRA

Engineer…

KIYANA

But mommy says I can’t.

AMIRA

Why not?

KIYANA

She says we don’t got money for that… Engineering school takes a lotta money.

AMIRA

So you got that problem too, huh…

KIYANA

She says because we live here, there’s not enough money to go around. So… I can’t go to college. She wants me to work at the restaurant when I get older.

Kiyana scowls.

KIYANA

I don’t wanna cook… I hate it. I wanna make cars, but I can’t. All ‘cause we live here… I know there’s no helpin’ it, but still. I still… I wish I could be an engineer one day.

AMIRA

Don’t worry.

Kiyana’s taken aback by Amira’s confidence.

AMIRA

It’ll happen.

KIYANA

It… will?

AMIRA

J.V. says anything’s possible. I wanna be a race car driver, and you wanna build cars… we can do it! If we work hard, we can make those dreams come true!

KIYANA

You really think that’s possible?

AMIRA

Of course! There’s not a doubt in my mind!

KIYANA

Y-… Yeah…

A smile grows on Kiyana’s face as she thinks of a future where her dreams can be realized.

KIYANA

Yeah! Amira, I--

Amira takes Kiyana’s sunglasses off.

BEAT.

Kiyana’s eyes go wide.

AMIRA

Woah…

Kiyana blushes in embarrassment. She takes the sunglasses back from Amira.

KIYANA

Don’t do that…

AMIRA

Why?

KIYANA

‘Cause! My… my eyes are weird. Kids at school make fun of me for it.

Kiyana looks down in self-loathing.

KIYANA

My daddy had eyes like these… Now I got ‘em and I get called “creepy” and stuff like that…

AMIRA

They’re pretty.

Kiyana stops. She slowly turns to Amira, incredulous. Or at least, incredulous at first.

AMIRA

Your eyes are really pretty.

There’s not even a trace of insincerity, or even flattery in Amira. She may be too young to even lie to someone like that. She just means it, and Kiyana feels it. Kiyana starts crying a little.

AMIRA

W-woah, uh… you ok?

KIYANA

A-Amira…!

Kiyana breathes in and psyches herself up.

KIYANA

Can we be friends?

AMIRA

Friends?

KIYANA

I-… if you want--

AMIRA

What’s “being friends” like? 

KIYANA

What’s…

AMIRA

I don’t got any. What does it mean?

KIYANA

It’s, um… when you like someone, and you wanna talk to ‘em a lot… and play together and stuff.

AMIRA

Woah… that’s cool! Can _we_ be friends??

KIYANA

A-Amira…

Kiyana laughs a little.

KIYANA

(LAUGHING) I just asked you!

AMIRA

O-oh. Uh… I say yes, then!

Kiyana stops laughing and smiles at Amira, a real smile, from the heart.

KIYANA

Thank you.

It’s honestly beautiful. Amira smiles too… but then she has an idea.

AMIRA

Kiyana, let’s make a team!

KIYANA

A team… you mean--?

AMIRA

A racing team. The two of us! You can make cars, and I can race ‘em! That sounds cool, right??

kiyana

Y-Yeah! Let’s do it!

nansi

(O.S.) Do what?

Nansi returns with two full plates of food. She puts them in front of Amira and Kiyana. Amira salivates as soon as she sees it.

NANSI

Look at you two! Getting along?

KIYANA

(EMBARASSED) Y-Yes, mommy…

Kiyana looks at Amira with gratitude.

KIYANA

… She’s my friend.

AMIRA

(MOUTH FULL) Hm? Did you say sumffin’?

KIYANA

(LAUGHING) Gross, Amira!

Amira swallows.

AMIRA

This food’s _so_ good! How do you even make this?!

Amira turns to Nansi. Nansi’s turned her back to the girls.

amira

Ms. Nansi?

Nansi’s wiping tears from her eyes.

NANSI

(WHISPERING) She’s got a friend… thank you, God… (REALIZING) Hm?

Nansi turns around.

AMIRA

This chicken’s the best I’ve ever eaten!

NANSI

(PRIDEFUL) Of course!

Satya hisses from the kitchen. She seems peeved that her cooking’s been beat.

AMIRA

Teach Satya how to make it, Ms. Nansi!

nansi

I’ll do you one better, keep working here and I _might_ teach _you_ one day!

AMIRA

REALLY??

Nansi laughs heartily.

KIYANA

Y-… you work here, Amira?

AMIRA

Yeah… I wanted to be a waiter, but she made me the cleaner… You’re lucky, Kiyana.

KIYANA

W-well, um… if you work here then… I’ll try too.

NANSI

(EXCITED) Aaaah! My little girl’s working! Hold on, I’ll get the little outfit I made you…!

Nansi trots away to find the uniform. Kiyana sighs. Amira puts her hand on Kiyana’s shoulder.

AMIRA

Hey. Let’s make money and get our team off the ground.

KIYANA

(SMILING) … Ok.

The girls smile at each other.

INT. AMUN-RA FLOOR 60, HALLWAY - EVENING

The girls arrive on the 60th floor of the Amun-Ra hotel. This floor is fused with the floor above: the 60th is hallways leading up to a stairwell, where guests will find a five star restaurant. Amira and Vera get out of the elevator and start walking toward the restaurant, mindful of who they find to help them assume a role.

vera

Did you get anything off that girl?

AMIRA

Just her wallet.

VERA

She had a wallet on her?

AMIRA

Her dress had pockets.

VERA

God, I wish that were me…

Amira hands Vera the wallet. Vera looks through it and finds her ID.

VERA

Her name’s Brigitte. I’ll be her.

AMIRA

Who am _I_ gonna be?

Vera spots a waiter exiting the restaurant to deliver food to someone, likely a hotel guest on a floor below.

AMIRA

Guess that answers that.

INT. AMUN-RA FLOOR 60, STAIRWAY TO RESTAURANT DINING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Amira and Vera walk up the stairs to the dining room. A waiter welcomes them.

WAITER

Welcome to Jean’s. Do you have a reservation?

VERA

How _dare_ you ask me that. Don’t you _know_ who I _am??_

Vera huffs. The waiter raises an eyebrow.

AMIRA

You’ll have to excuse her, madame Brigitte is um…

VERA

I can’t believe I was asked for a reservation at this restaurant, of all places!

AMIRA

Madame, please don’t be hard on him he’s--

VERA

Fired, the next time I see the head chef!

WAITER

Wh-what?!

AMIRA

I’m so sorry, Madame Brigitte is a regular. Could you perhaps just let her through?

The waiter checks a list.

WAITER

… Brigitte, you said?

AMIRA

Brigitte Sutton.

WAITER

She’s on here… and I don’t really wanna lose my job, so…

The waiter lets them through.

INT. AMUN-RA FLOOR 61, RESTAURANT DINING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Once out of ear shot, they discuss.

VERA

(WHISPERING) See? I told you it’d be easy.

AMIRA

(WHISPERING) You clocked it, that guy was new. If he wasn’t he definitely would’ve pressed you a little more…

VERA

(WHISPERING) Crazy how far you can get by making others think they made a mistake.

AMIRA

(WHISPERING) Hey…

Amira looks out at the restaurant dining room. Elegant is an understatement. This room is on the 61st floor for a reason: the walls are floor to ceiling windows offering a spectacular view of the city.

VERA

It’s pretty, right?

AMIRA

I can’t believe I get to see somethin’ like this…

VERA

Shame this isn’t a date. I would’ve liked to spend some time here under more relaxed circumstances.

AMIRA

Me too… so what’s the plan?

VERA

I’m going to socialize. You know, try to find info the old-fashioned way. Unfortunately for you, you’re a waiter. Pretend to do your job until I signal you.

AMIRA

Beats being a cleaner, at least…

VERA

Take someone’s order and go in the kitchen. Easy, right?

AMIRA

Right…

The girls separate. Vera goes to talk to the richest, yet most innocent-looking lady she can find. Amira walks in the opposite direction.

orc

(O.S.) Hey! Waiter!

An old, burly-looking orc in a suit motions for Amira to come. Amira complies.

ORC

Wait, you’re not my waiter, are you?

AMIRA

… I--

ORC

Ah, whatever. I’m ready to order, could you take mine?

AMIRA

Of course, sir.

ORC

Hmm…

The orc glances at Amira.

ORC

You don’t know who I am, do you?

AMIRA

I’m afraid I don’t, sir.

ORC

Ahahaha! That’s refreshing! Here.

The Orc points to the pin he’s wearing. It reads “MONSTROPOLIS POLICE COMISSIONER”.

AMIRA

Oh.

The Orc laughs heartily.

ORC

(JOKING) You think I can get a discount?

AMIRA

My apologies, but you’re just a customer here, sir.

ORC

(LAUGHING) Darn it!

Amira smiles politely.

ORC

I came here straight from work.

AMIRA

Is that so…

ORC

I swear, Mr. Smith is so difficult sometimes… It’s my daughter’s anniversary tonight, you know. 10 years, they’ve been married.

AMIRA

Congratulations.

ORC

Thank you. Now! My order… Hmmm…

AMIRA

Having trouble choosing?

ORC

I thought I knew but I’m not sure anymore… What would you recommend, what’s good here?

AMIRA

Of course. Could I have a look at the menu, sir?

ORC

Don’t you know it? You’re a waiter.

AMIRA

I’m new.

ORC

I’m just kidding, haha!

The orc hands Amira the menu. She looks and reads it.

INT. GHOUL STREET AGGREGATE, EAST GHOUL MIDDLE SCHOOL CLASSROOM – DAYTIME

“7 YEARS AGO”

A classroom in the Ghoul Street Aggregate. Everything that isn’t covered in tags and graffiti is old and worn enough to betray how woefully underfunded the school is.

Match cut to Amira, sitting at a seat toward the back, looking at a workbook. She’s in the middle of class, and she’s bored out of her skull. A hand taps her shoulder.

KIYANA

(O.S.) (WHISPERING) Psst! Hey!

Amira turns to find an ecstatic, and older Kiyana. She’s no longer wearing her sunglasses, just regular glasses now.

AMIRA

(WHISPERING) Kiki? What’s up?

KIYANA

(WHISPERING) Guess what?? Guess what, Mimi??

AMIRA

(WHISPERING) What??

KIYANA

(WHISPERING) I finished it!

AMIRA

You--?! Holy sh—!

Amira catches herself.

AMIRA

(WHISPERING) Holy crap! You _finished_ it?!

KIYANA

(WHISPERING) Yep! All that’s left is for us to put the finishing touches on it!

AMIRA

(WHISPERING) No way…!

KIYANA

(WHISPERING) Yeah! You wanna come check it out after school?

AMIRA

(WHISPERING) Don’t we have work?

KIYANA

(WHISPERING) Ugh… We’ll go after.

AMIRA

(WHISPERING) I’m just messing with you Kiki, let’s totally go.

Kiyana smiles.

INT. GHOUL STREET AGGREGATE, SCRAP YARD SECRET BASE – AFTER SCHOOL

The girls, Amira and Kiyana, enter a warehouse on the outskirts of the scrapyard.

AMIRA

You didn’t do the secret knock to enter…

KIYANA

We’re both entering, we only do the secret knock if one of us is inside already.

AMIRA

I thought we said the door only opened when you do the secret knock?

KIYANA

Our secret base does a lot of stuff. I think I’ve forgotten most of it.

Kiyana turns the light on in the warehouse.

The walls are lined with three years worth of shared memories, for both girls.

A picture of Amira on the podium at her first Go-Karting race. She finished third. She’s glaring up at the first-place winner with bitter, covetous eyes.

A cute drawing of the first vehicle Kiyana tried to build. It’s a little go-kart. All things considered, it’s pretty simple. It has an X through it, apparently it didn’t work out.

Amira at another Karting race. She’s second. There’s a deep, insatiable hunger in her expression. Amira’s competitiveness runs deep.

A more detailed drawing, of another kart by Kiyana. This one is covered in notes and adjustments. It seems to have panned out a little better than the previous ones, but Kiyana’s endless notes on improvements betray her dissatisfaction with the end result.

Amira finally gets first in a race. She’s bawling on the podium. The other two beside her are weirded out by how soul-affirmingly happy she is. There’s another picture attached of Kiyana and Amira’s families celebrating Amira’s victory in Nansi’s restaurant. Russel is there too. They’re all smiling.

Kiyana’s newest blueprint: It takes up a ridiculous amount of space on the wall. This is the big one: the go-kart to end all go-karts.

Speaking of…

KIYANA

Presenting…!

Kiyana whips a tarp off her finished project.

AMIRA

Holy smokes…

Amira and Kiyana stand before that very same go-kart. Blood red. Bulky, yet sleek. Aerodynamic. It’s no joke.

KIYANA

What do you think?

AMIRA

IT’S SO SICK!

KIYANA

Phew… I’m glad.

Kiyana looks away shyly.

KIYANA

Honestly, um… I-I was kinda nervous about it. Like you’d…

AMIRA

Kiki.

Kiyana stops, and stares at Amira.

AMIRA

It’s awesome. You’re awesome.

Kiyana blushes.

KIYANA

Th… thank you, Mimi.

AMIRA

Alright! How many races do you think I can win with this thing, huh?!

KIYANA

All of ‘em!

Amira and Kiyana high five.

AMIRA & KIYANA

(SIMULTANEOUSLY) YEAH!

AMIRA

Time for the finishing touch! What do I need to do?

KIYANA

Hold on, I’ll lift it up.

Kiyana takes off the thick sweater she was wearing. As she does, it’s revealed she actually has four arms; The other two were folded inside her sweater. Amira stares at her newly revealed appendages in wonder.

KIYANA

Wh-what? Don’t stare like that, you’ll make me self-conscious… you’ve seen these before, haven’t you?

AMIRA

Sorry, I’m just so happy you’re comfortable enough around me to just take the sweater off without shaking or asking me to close my eyes.

KIYANA

Y-Yeah … Mommy’s still mad I can’t take the sweater off at school. She doesn’t get why it’s such a big deal.

AMIRA

I don’t get it either. They’re just arms…

KIYANA

I have four. It’s not normal.

AMIRA

What’s “normal”? My hair’s on fire.

KIYANA

Yeah, and you _still_ haven’t shown me what your _actual_ hair looks like.

Kiyana puts one of her hands over Amira’s fiery haircut.

KIYANA

Seriously, how does this work? It’s not even hot…

AMIRA

I’m making it not hot since your hands are on it right now, but I can _make_ it hot for you if you want…

KIYANA

Uh, don’t. Can you put it out?

AMIRA

Trust me, Kiki, as soon as I figure out how to put out my hair, you’ll be the first to see what I got up here.

KIYANA

I bet your real hair looks stupid, like a big afro.

AMIRA

Haha! Or maybe I’m just bald!

KIYANA

Hahaha! Could you _imagine_??

The girls laugh for a bit.

KIYANA

Enough! Enough, we’ve gotta get this done before work.

Kiyana and Amira step toward to the go-kart.

AMIRA

What do I do?

KIYANA

Weld the two parts I highlighted together.

AMIRA

Okay!

Kiyana hands Amira a welding mask before dipping down and lifting the go-kart with all four of her arms. Amira slips under and starts welding with her fire powers.

Kiyana’s already having a little trouble holding up the heavy kart.

KIYANA

(FORCING) A-… are you done yet…?

AMIRA

Just a sec, I’m signing your name…

KIYANA

You’re, what?!

Amira burns Kiyana’s initials on the underside of the kart.

AMIRA

(SIGNING) “K.… A.…”

Kiyana’s legs start buckling.

kiyana

M-MIMI! Get out, I’m gonna drop it!

AMIRA

Sh-shoot!

Amira whips out from under the go-kart, and accidentally pushes Kiyana’s legs a little.

KIYANA

AH!

This doesn’t trip her, but the fear that she’s been tripped makes her fall on Amira.

AMIRA

Kiki!

Kiyana drops the Go-kart, which bounces on its tires and seems totally fine, but more pressingly, Kiyana fell on Amira.

Amira closed her eyes to brace for impact… but she opens them after a little bit.

Amira looks up at Kiyana. Kiyana’s hair cascades down. As though on cue, Kiyana, who closed her eyes to brace as well, opens them right as her glasses slip off.

Amira looks up into Kiyana’s bright pale eyes.

KIYANA

… Mimi?

Amira looks up.

KIYANA

Heyy… Mimi, are you okay? I didn’t hurt you, did I?

Amira looks--

KIYANA

MIMI!

AMIRA

(SNAPPING OUT OF IT) Ah! U-uh, sorry, I…

KIYANA

Don’t space out like that, Mimi! You’re gonna make me worried… Luckily the kart is fine, but are _you?_

AMIRA

I’m… I’m ok.

KIYANA

Thank god…

Kiyana looks up at the clock on their wall.

KIYANA

It’s nearly time for work! Come along, Mimi, mommy’s going to be mad at us if we’re late!

Kiyana gets up and walks towards the door. Amira… stays on the ground and stares up at ceiling.

KIYANA

(O.S.) Mimi!

AMIRA

S-sorry!

Amira gets up and walks out of the warehouse.

… She does the secret knock before leaving.

KIYANA

(O.S., LAUGHING) Haha! Stop it!

INT. AMUN-RA FLOOR 61, RESTAURANT KITCHEN – EVENING

Match cut to Amira entering the Restaurant Kitchen. The intensity here is frankly frightening. Amira tries to blend in but is addressed by a chef immediately.

CHEF

HEY! What are you doing here?!

AMIRA

I got an order for--

CHEF

Order?! What are you doing standing around then?!

AMIRA

He ordered the roasted--

CHEF

Swordfish or Snapper?!

AMIRA

Sn--

chef

Snapper, got it!

The chef slams a Snapper on the worktable next to him.

CHEF

Prep it!

AMIRA

P-prep?!

CHEF

Get a move on, idiot! Prep the Snapper, give me the cuts!

AMIRA

I’m a waiter, sir, I can’t--

CHEF

You think I give a shit?! You went to culinary school like the others, didn’t you?!

Amira looks around and notices other Waiters prepping food.

CHEF

If you’re working here to earn your stripes as a chef then good for you: We’re short-staffed ‘cause of all the fucking parties today! Get a move on, or you’re FIRED!

The chef steps away to yell at other people. Amira sighs… but she’s composed. She grabs a knife… says a silent prayer… and puts the knife up to the fish’s neck.

INT. GHOUL STREET AGGREGATE, NANSI’S RESTAURANT, KITCHEN – EVENING

Match cut to Amira trying to cut into a Snapper. Nansi is beside her judging her technique.

NANSI

No, no, no, your hand doesn’t go that way! Keep it straight, keep your body straight!

Nansi slaps Amira’s back.

AMIRA

Ow!

NANSI

Don’t slouch in the kitchen!

AMIRA

Why’s it matter if I’m slouching?!

NANSI

Because the fish was alive!

AMIRA

… What?

NANSI

Amira… when you cook, you need to give _respect_ to the food. Because this fish? The one you’re cutting into? It was _alive._ And it died for your meal! The _least_ you could do is give it the doggone respect it _deserves_. _Always_ remember this, when you cook, you have to be back _straight_. Shoulders _back._ Eyes _up_. “Hm! I’m _here_!” You know? The way you’re all the way slouched over makes it seem like you don’t even _want_ to cook! You’re the one who badgered me to teach you for years!

AMIRA

Honestly, I just wanna learn how to make your jerk chicken.

NANSI

And you’ll learn! _One_ day. That’s the biggest secret I have, you know, and it’s my best seller. That chicken keeps the _lights_ on here!

AMIRA

Boo…

NANSI

Right, boo. Boo me. But while you boo… cut this fish.

Amira sighs, straightens her back…

INT. AMUN-RA FLOOR 61, RESTAURANT KITCHEN – EVENING

… and cuts the fish. Amira’s precision is incredible. Even the chef notices her efficiency and prowess. She finishes cutting the Snapper in incredible time. The chef runs back, amazed.

AMIRA

I cut it, what else do I do?

CHEF

Th-That’s enough--

AMIRA

You know, if you show me the finished dish, I could probably make it. Grilled snapper? I can make that, I think.

chef

Really?

A waiter passes by holding a grilled snapper. The chef takes it from his hands and shows Amira. Amira takes a whiff of it and inspects it from every angle.

AMIRA

I got it.

The waiter takes back the grilled snapper.

The chef goes to do his job but stops himself. He’s just too curious as to what Amira’s gonna do.

With deft, trained precision, Amira cooks the dish she’s just seen. After a few cuts of this, she looks upon the finished product, satisfied.

amira

There, that’s about the same, I think…

Amira turns to the chef.

AMIRA

This is it, right? I made extra sauce for you in case you need another grilled snapper-- (CATCHING HERSELF) Or, I guess you five-star guys don’t need leftovers, do you…

CHEF

H-… how did you figure out how to make it from just _smelling_ it _once?_

AMIRA

It’s like you said.

Amira turns around to leave the kitchen with her finished dish.

AMIRA

I went to culinary school.

INT. AMUN-RA FLOOR 61, RESTAURANT DINING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

The police commissioner Orc finishes eating the grilled snapper and sighs in satisfaction.

ORC

Now _that_ is _incredible_! What’s the phrase again? Compliments to the chef?

AMIRA

I’ll let him know you enjoyed it, sir.

The orc squints at Amira.

AMIRA

Is something wrong?

ORC

Hmmm… where are you from, missy?

AMIRA

(CONFUSED) I’m not sure I follow…

ORC

Sorry… I think I might be in work mode, still…

AMIRA

… Work mode?

ORC

Something about you just made me think… you might be from, you know… _that_ place.

AMIRA

You mean…?

ORC

You know. The uh, what do they call it… the ghoul street aggregate.

AMIRA

I’m--

ORC

Sorry, obviously there’s no way you’re from _there._ Haha, you work _here!_ No way they’d ever let someone with that zip code get a job somewhere with _standards…_

AMIRA

… Is that so?

ORC

Not that they could even if they tried. My boys are hounding them too much for that.

AMIRA

Your “boys” … you mean the police force, sir?

ORC

… Did I say too much? Ah, you’re just a waiter, it can’t matter.

The orc looks left and right.

ORC

You know how our police have quotas? Being tough on crime is one of the best things about our city, you see, so we tell our boys to have at least this many arrests, stops, whatever a week. Thing is… running through these more, uh… _developed_ areas, meeting those quotas is tough. So… we have a protocol.

AMIRA

Which is…?

ORC

If you don’t have enough arrests…

The Orc motions for Amira to get closer.

ORC

(WHISPERING) … Go on Ghoul Street… and sack a guy who looks like he won’t fight back.

EXT. GHOUL STREET AGGREGATE, OUTSIDE GHOUL STREET BUYERS – FLASHBACK, DAYTIME

RUSSEL

YOU’RE MAKIN’ A MISTAKE--!

POLICE OFFICER

SHUT UP!

The police officer pins Russel against the wall and knocks the wind out of him.

The officer ties cuffs around his hands.

POLLICE OFFICER

YOU’RE UNDER ARREST FOR MONEY LAUNDERING!

RUSSEL

I’m WHAT?!

pollice officer

I SAID SHUT UP!

The officer beats him against the wall again. Another Officer comes and they both shove Russel in the back of a cop car.

Amira watches this all happen. Satya is beside her, horrified.

INT. AMUN-RA FLOOR 61, RESTAURANT DINING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Hard cut back to the Orc.

ORC

… but don’t tell anybody I said that.

BEAT.

AMIRA

… I won’t.

Amira leaves. She’s trying her best to hold in all her emotions. She looks around to find Vera, who she finds speaking to someone totally different. She gets up and shakes the person’s hand, before finding Amira and calling her over.

INT. AMUN-RA HOTEL, ELEVATOR – LATER

Amira and Vera are in the hotel’s elevator alone.

AMIRA

He just _gave_ it to you?

VERA

He asked if I wanted to go to a higher floor and I said yes.

Vera puts up the card she got from her target.

VERA

It was pretty easy. Which clearly means it’s a trap.

BEAT.

AMIRA

… I’m sorry, _what?_

VERA

Hmmm… trap is the wrong word. I think “summons” is more accurate.

AMIRA

We’re just… we’re going along with it?

VERA

Yes.

AMIRA

Vera, should I panic now or after they kill us both?

VERA

Amira, relax. If they wanted to kill us, it’d be the easiest thing in the world. Us still drawing breath right now can only mean that’s not their intention.

Vera flips the card over.

VERA

This card goes to floor eighty-four. A floor that high can only be accessed by someone close to John Smith, potentially a member of his inner circle.

AMIRA

Vera I seriously don’t get why you’re so calm right now.

VERA

Because this is quite literally our lucky break. Amira, heeding this summons is in our best interest. You and I are headed for a meeting with a very, _very_ powerful person… that’s a best-case scenario.

AMIRA

Is that _really_ the _best_ case?

VERA

Without a doubt.

Vera smirks in utter self-assurance. Amira’s gaze quivers ever so slightly. Vera notices Amira’s waning confidence. She seems worn out.

VERA

Hm. Amira…

amira

… Yeah?

VERA

Are you okay?

AMIRA

I’m alright. I just… I think I learned something I’d have been better off not knowing. I ended up talking to the Police commissioner.

VERA

Did you… do that on purpose?

AMIRA

By accident.

VERA

Yikes…

AMIRA

… I saw a lot of people in my neighbourhood get arrested growing up. Sometimes they did wrong, but other times…

Amira leans against a wall of the elevator.

AMIRA

I knew they were innocent… but, in the back of my mind, I think a part of me felt like the police might’ve known something I didn’t. Like… I was just naïve to think these people hadn’t done wrong. ‘Cause the police are supposed to protect people, right? So, when they caught someone, I’d be sad and angry but also--…

Amira stops herself, and sighs in anguish.

AMIRA

But now I know they weren’t. Now I know for _sure_ they were innocent. And… I don’t know who I’m more mad at, the police for doing that to people, or me for having doubted them…

Vera sees the very deep pain Amira’s harboring… and pulls her close for a hug.

AMIRA

V--… Vera—

Vera awkwardly pats her back twice.

VERA

Th--… there, there.

BEAT.

AMIRA

You’re so bad at this.

VERA

I’m trying!

AMIRA

Hahaha! I know!

Amira starts chuckling.

VERA

(BLUSHING) I-I’m not used to this! That was way too heavy for me!

AMIRA

You said “There, There” like I lost a soccer game! And the funniest part is I know that’s legit the _best_ you can do!

Amira laughs heartily for a beat. Vera joins her. Amira looks a lot more relaxed.

AMIRA

Phew…

VERA

D-do you feel better?

amira

Yeah, I think I do!

Vera subtly pumps her fist.

VERA

(WHISPERING) I did it!

Amira obviously notices her, and Vera tries to act natural. She seems touched by Vera’s genuine worry for her.

amira

Thank you. Thank you, seriously.

Vera smiles back at her. And just as she does… the elevator dings and stops.

VERA

Good news, Amira.

The door opens… Amira’s eyes widen in astonishment.

VERA

You get to see the casino.

INT. AMUN-RA FLOOR 84, CASINO – CONTINUOUS 

A casino fit for only the cream of the crop of the societal elite. The wide-open hall, adorned with gold and the finest silk and ornaments, is filled with top CEOs, princes, Foreign Dignitaries, oil tycoons… all betting, playing cards, slots, roulette, etcetera. A massive chandelier hangs in the very center.

The girls exit the elevator. As they do, two security guards come at them from both sides.

SECURITY GUARD #2

The boss wants to see you.

VERA

Take us to him.

The girls are led away by the guards.

INT. AMUN-RA FLOOR 84, CASINO, SECRET ROOM – LATER

An elderly cyclops smokes a cigar, looking out of a window in a secret room of the casino. The lighting is dark, with only one lamp hanging above a poker table.

The cyclops turns around. Amira and Vera stand before him. Neither says anything. The silence is complete and weighty. Finally, the cyclops speaks, while approaching the poker table.

ELDERLY CYCLOPS

… Vera Oberlin. That’s _you_ isn’t it…?

VERA

Indeed. Founder of the Monstropolis banks, Jinas Brontes, I presume?

The cyclops nods. He turns his gaze to Amira slightly.

JINAS

I don’t recognize _this_ one. Is she a servant of yours…?

VERA

Something like that.

JINAS

Make her wait outside.

VERA

She stays.

Jinas raises an eyebrow.

VERA

She knows nothing. And it’s not like you’ll divulge any secrets with me, is it?

JINAS

I suppose not…

Jinas takes another drag from his cigar.

JINAS

Ms. Oberlin… are you stupid?

VERA

I beg your pardon?

JINAS

I was under the impression you knew your place. Your father is a good man… who’s worked for me for a long time. An honorable man. A man who lavished nothing but praises on his daughters and worked for nothing more than to bring them happiness. Why then…

Jinas taps ashes off his cigar.

JINAS

Why is it that one of those daughters is here, sneaking around… sticking her nose in business far, _far_ beyond what she has any right to? You realize how poorly this reflects on your father, don’t you? You’re putting your family in jeopardy.

VERA

I know.

JINAS

Then why?

VERA

Because I have grand ambitions.

JINAS

Ambitions…

VERA

Surely you know what I’ve been doing these past few months. Or has it evaded even you, Mr. Brontes?

JINAS

Obviously, it hasn’t. I’m shocked you would even ask me that.

VERA

What a shame.

JINAS

Did you think you’d get all the way to John without anyone noticing? No. If you’re here, it’s because we let it happen. From the very beginning… your app, your little scuffles in the underworld… _we’re_ the ones who let you do all this. _We’re_ the ones who let you get this far.

VERA

Should I thank you, then?

JINAS

You should _revere_ us, Ms. Oberlin.

VERA

And for what? For standing by while I accrue power and influence?

JINAS

You think you have power… do you not see the difference between us? _Real_ power is too much for a little girl like you.

VERA

And therein lies my greatest advantage… You old men will never see me as anything more than a little girl. The perfect disguise while I climb the steps to your thrones and depose you.

Jinas scowls. Vera is unafraid.

JINAS

… You really think you can take us on?

VERA

I think I can defeat you all, and that the best way to make sure I don’t… is to get me on your side.

JINAS

And why, Vera Oberlin, do we need someone like you on our side?

VERA

Because I have talents you need. Talents such as charisma, planning, foresight, cunning, information gathering… and utter disregard for loss of life.

Jinas glares at Vera.

JINAS

… Those kinds of things aren’t up to me. John decides if you’re worth keeping around. _I_ , however…

Jinas snuffs out his cigar.

JINAS

… decide if you’re worth keeping _alive_.

VERA

My being here isn’t proof enough?

JINAS

Not by a long shot… but I concede. Let’s put you to the test.

Jinas makes a vague motion. A servant leaves the room.

JINAS

On any other night I would’ve had you erased immediately, but… you’re lucky. Tonight’s my son’s anniversary.

VERA

They’ve been married for 10 years, I hear.

JINAS

A part of me feels distaste at ending the life of someone’s child on such an occasion. More importantly, though…

The servant comes back and places a box on the poker table between him and Vera.

JINAS

I’m bored.

The servant opens the box… and reveals a set of chips and cards.

JINAS

Let’s make a game of it, why don’t we?

The servant grabs the cards and shuffles them. Jinas pulls the box of chips closer to him.

JINAS

What do you love, Vera Oberlin? What can’t you live without? Your family? Your friends? Your successes?

The cyclops takes one blue chip and puts it on the table.

JINAS

This chip is everything. All of it. Everything you are, want and need in life. _This_ , on the other hand…

Jinas takes one red chip and puts it on the table.

JINAS

…is permission to meet John Smith.

Vera looks at the chips and back to Jinas.

JINAS

One hand of blackjack. Whoever wins gets both chips.

Amira sweats a little.

AMIRA

Vera…

VERA

Alright.

Vera smirks and takes a seat at the poker table.

VERA

You’re on.

Jinas takes a seat opposite Vera.

JINAS

You understand what’s at stake here, don’t you?

VERA

Gambling my life means nothing. I already said, didn’t I?

The servant, now dealer, deals the two players two face-down cards each.

VERA

I have grand ambitions.

Amira stares at Vera, trying to hide her worry for what’s about to happen.

Vera flips her cards over…

INT. SATYA’S BAR – EVENING 

“4 YEARS AGO”

Match cut to Satya flipping over a paper. She stares at it in disbelief.

Cut to Amira, now 16, sitting on the ground, looking up at the TV. Justice Vasquez is on it, giving another interview. That reverence is still there in Amira’s eyes, but now it’s mixed with a yearning and an unwavering confidence. She hears Satya come up behind her and gets up before turning around.

Satya holds the paper in her hands, trembling. It’s the letter of confirmation for Amira’s Stock Car Racing License. She’s been approved.

Amira beams in shock and happiness.

AMIRA

I… I did it…!

Satya runs over to Amira and hugs her tightly. She’s crying.

AMIRA

Satya…!

Amira starts crying too.

AMIRA

Satya, I did it…! I’m gonna be a racer…!

Satya pulls away and holds Amira’s shoulders. And with a face full of tears…

SATYA

أحبك يا أميرة.

Amira wipes her tears on her sleeve.

AMIRA

I love you too, Satya… Thank you!

EXT. “THE OVAL” SPEEDWAY, GARAGE – DAYTIME

“NOVEMBER 3RD, FOUR YEARS AGO”

About half an hour outside Monstropolis lies “The Oval” speedway. Nicknamed for its lack of remarkability. It’s really just a big oval track. 

Amira, stands in the Speedway’s garage with the other racers, shadow boxing to pump herself up.

AMIRA

Alright!

Amira turns to beside her, where Kiyana’s running some checks on Amira’s car. No longer a go-kart; Amira’s graduated to racing real cars. Amira walks over to her.

AMIRA

Kiki!

Amira slings her arm over Kiyana’s shoulder.

AMIRA

How’s the car lookin’--?

Kiyana jumps in surprise.

KIYANA

E-EEK!

amira

W-woah! You good, Kiki?

KIYANA

(NERVOUS) Yeah… y-yeah, yeah, I’m good. I-I think.

amira

Kiki… you’re nervous, huh?

KIYANA

I mean!

Kiyana huffs and turns to Amira.

KIYANA

Of _course_ I’m nervous, Mimi! It’s your first race in a real car!

AMIRA

This thing is so _clean_ , though, _dang…_

Amira admires the car Kiyana built for her.

KIYANA

You like it? (DEADPAN) It took me like, 5 months to mod this car, so you better like it.

amira

It’s incredible as always, Kiki. I can’t believe this thing started as a 400-dollar BMW.

KIYANA

 _You_ can’t believe it because _you_ didn’t have to turn that 400-dollar car into something you could _race_ in… _I_ believe it a little _too_ much…

AMIRA

Why do you think I have you on my team? So I can just marvel at the stuff you build without worrying about the details!

KIYANA

Yeah, yeah, I know I’m the only reason you’ve been winning these past few years. But keep flattering me, it does wonders for my skin.

Kiyana fluffs her hair a little with two of her arms. Kiyana’s not wearing her sweater anymore. Amira stares a little.

KIYANA

Amira, are you doing that thing again where you stare at me for a minute and then say something sappy?

AMIRA

Kiyana, you changed.

KIYANA

Good change or bad change?

AMIRA

Amazing change. Remember when I beat up those guys who took your book?

KIYANA

Phew… now _that’s_ a blast from the past. I was what, like 11?

AMIRA

You were scared of damn near everything. You had that sweater on and those glasses…

KIYANA

(LAUGHING) Ugh, cringe! Don’t remind me!

AMIRA

You could probably beat those guys up by yourself right now.

KIYANA

Definitely! Remember when I took karate for a year? Hiiiiya!

Kiyana does a karate chop with two of her hands.

KIYANA

I’m a force to be reckoned with! Right??

Kiyana laughs with Amira before smiling sheepishly.

KIYANA

Um… jokes aside… I’m glad you think I changed. I’ve been thinking about that too. After dad passed away… the world became so frightening to me. I had this fear of people, of everyone and everything… But when I met you, that all changed. All I thought about was how lonely I was, but you helped replace those feelings with a goal, you know? Something to work for, and something to look forward to. That’s so rare, where we’re from… you’re the one who gave me hope for the future. Those days we spent in our secret base, fantasizing about a world where both of our dreams come true, they’re invaluable to me. It honestly feels like… you taught me to be happy. To live with joy in my heart, and to welcome the future with open arms… It sounds weird to say, but you taught me how to live. Thank you, Amira.

Kiyana gives Amira a smile filled with 6 years worth of gratitude. Amira runs into her arms and hugs her tight.

AMIRA

I love you, Kiki.

KIYANA

I love you, Mimi.

The two hug each other for a long while, before Amira steps away. They look kind of awkward after the moment that just happened.

AMIRA

So like… did you have that speech memorized or—

Amira and Kiyana burst out laughing.

KIYANA

(LAUGHING) Shut up! I meant it, it came from the heart.

AMIRA

I know, I know… S-speaking of… the heart, uh…

KIYANA

What’s up…?

AMIRA

I-I was wondering if…

Amira blushes and looks away.

AMIRA

Like if you wanted to…

KIYANA

Mimi?

AMIRA

… D-do you, um… (CATCHING HERSELF) A-after I finish this race, I mean!

KIYANA

(LAUGHING) Mimi, what are you talking about?

AMIRA

I just wanted to ask if… after I finish the race… you wanted… to… g--… go to the movies?

BEAT.

KIYANA

The movies?

AMIRA

Y-Yeah! Like, the two of us.

KIYANA

Sure? I mean, we already go to the movies together--

AMIRA

N-No, I mean, um… in a _different_ way than us normally.

KIYANA

A _different_ way?

AMIRA

You know, like, um--

KIYANA

I don’t really follow, what _way_ do we usually watch movies?

AMIRA

A-As friends, I mean.

KIYANA

Right…?

AMIRA

S-So, I was wondering if we could… in another way…

KIYANA

… As _not_ friends?

AMIRA

Y--… yes. 

BEAT.

KIYANA

So like… as enemies?

AMIRA

No.

KIYANA

Then what do you mean, because I don’t get it.

AMIRA

Ughh! Kiki, you’re smart! You’re top of our class! Y-You should know what I’m getting at!

KIYANA

I seriously don’t get what you’re talking about, Mimi, I’m so lost right now.

AMIRA

Nevermind…

KIYANA

Yeah, we’re getting off-topic. There’s a race today.

AMIRA

Right, the race.

KIYANA

… Amira, are you stressed like _at all?_ This is literally your first race.

AMIRA

It’s not, I’ve been on like a hundred.

KIYANA

Yeah! A hundred _kart_ races! This is the big leagues!

AMIRA

Uh, We’re still amateurs, Kiki…

KIYANA

I meant, relatively speaking.

AMIRA

Kiki… if you’re worried I’ll lose, don’t be. I got this in the bag.

KIYANA

Mimi, I’m worried you won’t even _finish._

AMIRA

Hey! You’re talking to the next Justice Vasquez, here! No _way_ I won’t finish!

???

Ha! _YOU_ , the next _Justice_? Don’t make me laugh!

The girls turn around, to find the owner of the snide voice who taunted Amira: A teenage boy with wings and a faint halo.

AMIRA

… Who the heck are _you,_ dude?

ANGELIC BOY

Are you _serious?_ You’re kidding right, I’m famous.

AMIRA

Kiki, do you know this guy?

KIYANA

Uh… no.

ANGELIC BOY

Wow, I guess you’re _both_ idiots.

AMIRA

What’d you say?!

ANGELIC BOY

I said you’re both idiots AND losers! You think _you’re_ gonna be the next Justice Vasquez? In _THAT_ hunk of junk?

AMIRA

Don’t call it a hunk of junk! Do you know how long it took to build?!

ANGELIC BOY

How much did it cost?

AMIRA

(SMUG) Five hundred dollars.

ANGELIC BOY

Funny.

The boy claps his hands. Two pit crew members wheel his car behind him. It’s… impressive, to say the least.

ANGELIC BOY

Mine cost a thousand times that.

AMIRA

Jokes on you, dumbo! Ours only cost _400_ dollars! So it’s _not_ 1000 times it’s… uh… you’re wrong!

BEAT.

ANGELIC BOY

Right, I’m the dumbo. (SERIOUS) Let me break it down for you two losers: The one who’s gonna win this race? Me. The one who’s gonna win every race this season? Also me. The one who’s gonna be the next Justice Vasquez? You called it! It’s me!

The boy walks away, his fist up.

ANGELIC BOY

Julius is the name! Don’t you dare forget it!

Julius makes his exit. Amira blows a raspberry in his direction.

KIYANA

Amira?

Amira turns back to Kiyana.

kiyana

(DETERMINED) Forget what I said before. You better finish the race. You better beat that guy.

Kiyana puts her fist out at Amira.

KIYANA

You better win!

Amira smirks and gives Kiyana a fist bump. Kiyana reaches in her back pocket.

KIYANA

I wanted to give you this later, but… Maybe it can be like a good luck charm.

Kiyana gives Amira a little box.

KIYANA

D-don’t laugh when you see it. I, uh…

Amira opens it. There’s a necklace in it… a triangular charm.

KIYANA

I made it myself.

Amira puts it on.

KIYANA

… D--… do you--

AMIRA

I love it. 

Kiyana breathes a sigh of relief.

amira

Thank you, Kiki.

KIYANA

Happy birthday, Mimi.

A horn blares from the racetrack.

EXT. “THE OVAL” SPEEDWAY – DAYTIME

Amira’s in her car, lined up with the other 30 or so racers. She looks to the stands to find Kiyana, along with Satya and Nansi. They all wave at her with bright smiles. Amira waves back.

In the stands, Nansi speaks to Kiyana.

NANSI

This racing business really turned out for her, didn’t it…

KIYANA

This race is big. It’s in the amateur circuit, but every major racer in our time has won a race here at least once. If Amira can do well here… she might actually have a shot at finding a team. Maybe even a sponsor!

NANSI

Isn’t that a little much for her _first_ race out of the kart?

KIYANA

That’s what’s amazing about Amira… pressure like that doesn’t faze her.

Kiyana smiles and blushes.

KIYANA

She’s incredible.

After a moment, though… Kiyana’s smile drops. Someone walks onto the racetrack with a checkered flag in hand.

KIYANA

Wait… I-is that--?!

Amira’s in her car psyching herself up. She notices who’s just walked onto the track… and Amira just…

AMIRA

… No way…

The flag-holder looks over by the side of the racetrack, where another person – the race’s original flag-holder - stands in awe.

FLAG-HOLDER

You know… I’ve always wanted to wave one of these things. Thanks for lettin’ me.

The original flag-holder gives the new one two thumbs up. The flag-holder turns toward all the racers.

It’s…

AMIRA

Justice…?

Justice Vasquez. In the flesh. The jaws of every driver drop. Amira stares up at him through her windshield in amazement.

JUSTICE

Y’all ready?

AMIRA

H-Hey! Justice!

JUSTICE

ON YOUR MARKS??

AMIRA

Justice, I--!

JUSTICE

GO!!!

Justice waves the flag down. Amira was momentarily distracted, but… the instant she hears the word…

She goes. She accelerates, and right as she passes by Justice… for a brief, imperceptible moment… it seems as though he looks at her.

The race is on.

MONTAGE – RACE

A- The race starts and Amira’s swarmed. She’s right in the middle pack and can’t seem to get out. Julius’ expensive car is right up front and zooming ahead. Amira is undeterred.

B- Amira makes a series of precise, adept movements and edges herself out of the group. She’s inching closer and closer to the front.

C- Julius is racing, looking as smug as he did in the garage, but he does a double-take once he sees Amira’s car _right_ behind him.

JULIUS

Hunk of _junk!_

Julius steps on it. He gains ground on Amira… but Amira doesn’t step on the gas as much as he does. Julius takes it as a victory and laughs to himself. Over in the stands, Nansi and Satya look worried.

NANSI

Shouldn’t Amira go a little faster?

KIYANA

A younger Amira might’ve done that, but Mimi’s not like that anymore. She gets that racing is more than just going as fast as you can at every single moment. This isn’t a time trial.

NANSI

A… what?

Kiyana smirks.

KIYANA

That Julius guy spoke a big game, but in terms of experience… it’s clear Amira’s got him beat. Amira’s playing the long game right now. There’s no way Julius won’t make a mistake going as fast as he is. All Amira needs to do is drive efficiently. And after six years…?

Amira nears the turn.

kiyana

(V.O.) Amira’s gotten good at that.

She analyzes the relative positions of everyone around her. She gauges exactly how they’re going to take the turn based on where they are before taking it. Finally, she looks at Julius in front of her… his speed and positioning mean he can’t take the turn as neatly as he could. Amira’s chance.

Amira takes the turn… and cuts in front of Julius.

KIYANA

YES! WOOOOO, MIMI!

JULIUS

YOU--!

Julius and Amira race neck and neck.

D- Julius tries to pass Amira, but every time he overtakes her, Amira gets him back. Julius gets frustrated and tries pushing Amira’s car.

JULIUS

Take this! Haha!

KIYANA

HEY!

Amira doesn’t even flinch. Her eyes are on the finish line and the finish line only. This singular focus rattles Julius.

JULIUS

F-Fine!

E- Julius and Amira barrel toward the finish line. Julius is ahead… then amira… then Julius… then Amira…! Until finally, at the very, VERY last moment, _inches_ before the finish line--!

END OF MONTAGE

INT. AMUN-RA FLOOR 84, CASINO SECRET ROOM – EVENING

… Vera flips her cards over. She laughs softly to herself.

VERA

One hand, you said?

Jinas stares at her hand in disbelief. Vera puts her cards up…

VERA

I’m sorry for making this so anticlimactic.

… It’s an ace and a 10. Both in the suit of spades.

VERA

Blackjack.

EXT. “THE OVAL” SPEEDWAY – DAYTIME

… Julius and Amira’s cars pass the finish line.

Amira brakes and gets out, whipping her helmet off. She finds the whole crowd on their feet. Cheering.

For her.

ANNOUNCER

Ladies and Gentlemen! The winner of this year’s G4 cup… Driver number 7! AMIRA RASHID!

kiyana

MIMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!

Amira looks out at the crowd… she can’t even believe it. Tears well up in her eyes.

AMIRA

(WHISPERING) Anything’s possible…

Amira puts her hands up.

amira

(SCREAMING) ANYTHING’S POSSIBLE! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Julius gets out of his car and takes his helmet off as well. He stares at Amira celebrating her victory in utter disbelief. Then… at Justice Vasquez.

Justice is on the side of the road, staring back at Julius. He’s disappointed.

INT. AMUN-RA FLOOR 84, CASINO SECRET ROOM – EVENING

Jinas sighs. He throws his cards up.

6 and 7.

JINAS

… I should’ve said poker or something.

VERA

I would’ve gotten a royal flush if you had.

JINAS

Right…

Jinas grabs a black, laminated card from his pocket and throws it on the table. Vera takes it.

JINAS

The key to floor 100. John’s there.

VERA

Can I tell him you sent me?

JINAS

I never sent you. You pried these from my hands… you sent yourself. I’m serious, don’t tell him I lost this pathetically.

VERA

I suppose I owe you at least that much for… sparing my life?

Vera turns to leave. As she does, though…

JINAS

… You two are alike.

Vera stops and turns around.

JINAS

You and John… You both act like everything’s part of your plan, even when it’s all chance.

VERA

Did he beat you this badly too?

JINAS

He beat me _once_. Once was enough for me… we played Poker, betting what we usually bet…

VERA

Which is…?

JINAS

Land.

Vera’s eyes widen ever so slightly.

JINAS

Monstropolis land.

VERA

Is the land you’re betting… empty?

Jinas chuckles.

JINAS

That’s not exciting, is it?

vera

You bet… inhabited land?

JINAS

Yes.

Vera thinks for just a moment.

VERA

Can I ask you something? The one time John Smith beat you… who’s land did he get?

Jinas stares straight in Vera’s eyes, and with not a trace of regret or remorse…

JINAS

Your father’s.

Vera nods to herself slightly.

VERA

Interesting.

JINAS

He bled me dry. I had no choice but to bet it.

Vera breathes just a tad heavier.

VERA

… You had no choice. I understand.

INT. AMUN-RA, ELEVATOR – LATER

Vera and Amira are back in the elevator. It rises slowly. The two girls stand in silence.

Amira hazards a timid look at Vera. Vera’s clearly doing everything in her power to stay composed. Amira wordlessly takes Vera’s hand, surprising her.

Vera takes a deep breath and smiles a little before turning back to the elevator door.

VERA

You know… we could stop at floor 90 if you want.

AMIRA

What’s on floor 90?

VERA

The club. Loads of famous people there. I could flex some of my connections…?

AMIRA

It’s… fine.

VERA

You sure? I could probably get you in touch with some big names, maybe get a photo op or two. Would you like that?

AMIRA

Vera…

VERA

Let’s see, who do I know that you’d like… Sports stars? I know a couple basketball players, some golfers, a table-tennis player, a few race-car drivers…

The last one gives Amira pause.

AMIRA

… Race-car drivers?

VERA

Ooh, I knew you were interested!

AMIRA

I’m not.

VERA

Hmmmm. Really? I thought you were into cars and stuff. I know some real heavy hitters you know, I networked a lot to get you that birthday gift.

AMIRA

You… did?

VERA

I know Max Sarmos, Chevron Carric, Justice Vasquez…

Amira’s eyes go wide.

AMIRA

You… you know Justice Vasquez?

VERA

We spoke once. Hey, here’s a fun fact: did you know he has a son?

AMIRA

He…

Horror fills Amira. Vera notices, obviously. Amira looks like she just saw a ghost.

AMIRA

He has a son…?

VERA

Yes? What was his name… J-something? Ju… Juk… Jul… Juli…

EXT. “THE OVAL” SPEEDWAY – DAYTIME

Julius stands, second on the podium. The first? Amira. Justice Vasquez walks up to the winners, holding the first-place trophy. He glances at Julius before sighing and handing it to an ecstatic Amira.

AMIRA

Thank you, sir! Th-Thank you so much!

JUSTICE

Yeah…

Julius looks at his feet, uneasy. Justice is none too pleased with his performance.

JUSTICE

…don’t mention it.

Reporters take photos. Amira beams from ear to ear. Justice does his best to smile.

EXT. OUTSIDE “THE OVAL” SPEEDWAY – LATER

Amira stands outside the speedway… holding her trophy. Kiyana is right next to her, holding her hand.

AMIRA

Kiyana?

KIYANA

Yeah?

AMIRA

Today might be the best day of my life.

KIYANA

Woah…

AMIRA

I won my first race… I stuck it to that _jerk_ Julius… I _met_ Justice Vasquez??

KIYANA

That was so crazy, I can’t believe he was just _here!_ Why do you think he came??

AMIRA

No clue. But you know what… Here’s my theory.

Amira motions for Kiyana to come closer.

AMIRA

(WHISPERING) I think he came for me.

KIYANA

No way… do you think??

AMIRA

I mean, think about it! I’ve been winning a lot of Go-Kart races before winning this one, right?? Maybe he heard of me! I mean, we’re both from Ghoul Street!

KIYANA

That’s true…!

amira

What if Justice is starting his own racing team, and he’s looking for new racers! I--… H-He could _sponsor_ me!

KIYANA

Would he really do that?!

AMIRA

I don’t know but… if there’s any chance, I need to take it. This could be it… This could be our big break!

Amira looks around. She finds Justice, right outside the speedway, talking to Julius.

AMIRA

I’m gonna go talk to him. Wish me luck!

KIYANA

Good luck, Mimi!

Amira psyches herself up and runs toward Justice. As she does, her excitement grows. Visions of years and years spent watching him echo in Amira’s mind… just one problem, though.

Justice isn’t talking to Julius. He’s chastising him.

JUSTICE

(SCOLDING) What the hell was that turn?! How did you let that little girl overtake you?!

JULIUS

Sorry…

JUSTICE

(SCOLDING) I swear to god, if you fuck up like this again, you’re going _straight_ back to racing school.

AMIRA

(O.S.) Um!

Justice stops. He turns around, an eyebrow raised. Amira’s standing behind him, smiling ear to ear.

JUSTICE

… What do you want?

AMIRA

My name’s Amira Rashid! I’m 16! It’s great to meet you sir!

JUSTICE

… Ok?

Justice turns back to Julius and starts scolding him again. Amira’s a little confused.

AMIRA

Um, mister Justice?

Justice breathes in.

JUSTICE

_What?_

AMIRA

I grew up watching your races. Since I was a little kid, all I’ve ever wanted to do was be a driver like you. It’s… it’s such an honor you saw me today! Seriously!

JUSTICE

(UNIMPRESSED) Good for you.

Justice turns back and keeps talking to Julius. Amira looks bewildered. She gathers her courage.

AMIRA

Mister Justice--

JUSTICE

WHAT?!

Justice whips around, furious. He takes a weighty step before Amira and stares her down.

JUSTICE

WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

Amira looks up at Justice… fear, panic, confusion, terror. A cocktail of dread in her expression.

INT. AMUN-RA, ELEVATOR – LATER

Match cut to Amira looking up at Vera with the exact same expression. Vera looks remorseful, but mostly clueless as to why she’s looking at her like that.

VERA

Amira? Are you--

The elevator dings. Floor 90. The door opens slowly… and Amira’s expression doesn’t change.

Before her… in the doorway to this elevator… four years after their last meeting.

Justice Vasquez.

JUSTICE

(MUTTERING) Give me a fuckin’ break… I got a race tomorrow, why’d I take so many shots…

Justice enters the elevator and goes in the opposite corner.

JUSTICE

Hey, ladies. One of you Press 99 for me, would you? I gotta get to my room.

Amira’s hands are shaking. Vera presses the 99 button. Amira looks straight ahead, doing her best to not look at Justice. Doing her best to just forget he’s there. Doing her best to--

JUSTICE

Wait a second… You.

Amira blinks.

JUSTICE

You, with the uh… the fire hair.

Justice steps right in front of her and takes off his sunglasses. He stares down at her.

JUSTICE

… Have we met before?

EXT. OUTSIDE “THE OVAL” SPEEDWAY – LATER

Match cut to Justice looking down at Amira.

AMIRA

I--…!

Amira gathers her courage… and speaks.

AMIRA

I’m from the Ghoul Street Aggregate. I grew up… not havin’ anything. I didn’t have any expensive toys… I barely even had schoolbooks. All I had was a little wooden car I painted myself and your races on the television. Mister Justice… You gave me hope. Just the fact you existed gave me hope that I could be successful too, one day. That just because I grew up poor, doesn’t mean I can’t follow my dreams. You made me believe that I could _be_ something. You made me believe that anything truly was possible! Me and my best friend, we owe our whole _lives_ to you! S-… so please, if, um… if you’re starting a team, or if you’re looking for people to sponsor, I won’t disappoint you! I’ve been working hard my whole life! You saw me win! Please sir!

Amira breathes in and out. She looks back up at Justice… who sighs in deep, severe, unbridled frustration.

JUSTICE

Are you done, kid?

AMIRA

Wha…?

Justice takes a cigarette from his pocket and lights it.

justice

(MUTTERING) God damn that stupid fucking marketing gimmick… now I have to deal with annoying kids like this…

AMIRA

Mister Justice! I thought you said not to smoke--

JUSTICE

(COLD) I say a lot of things.

Amira steps back. There’s not a trace of the friendly, Jovial and enthusiastic Justice Vasquez from television in the man before her.

JUSTICE

Kid… you want me to be honest? You want me to be _really_ honest?

AMIRA

Y--… yes?

JUSTICE

The truth is… I’m not from that… dirty… disgusting… filthy pig pen of a god damn motherfucking SHITTY NEIGHBOURHOOD! Are you kidding me?! Look at me, I’m a superstar! I’m Justice FUCKING VASQUEZ! You think they make people like me in whatever HOLE you crawled out of?! HUH?!

amira

I--… I thought you were--?!

JUSTICE

Dumped off the air-kingdom… That part’s true. I _was_ , in a sense, exiled from the air-kingdom. But I didn’t land in the fucking Ghoul Street Aggregate. I landed in Summit Heights. I went to the Nix School! I have a trust fund! MY FATHER HAS A 401K AND A VACATION HOUSE IN BORA-BORA!

AMIRA

N-No…!

JUSTICE

What did you expect?! I’m a racecar driver! No one makes it without money! I HAD MONEY!

AMIRA

But…

Amira does her best to hold back her tears.

AMIRA

Then why do you… why do you say you’re… f-from…

JUSTICE

You wanna know why? You wanna know why I kept up that ridiculous lie… and that idiotic accent all those years?

Justice puts a hand on Amira’s shoulder. There’s an expensive-looking, diamond encrusted watch on his wrist. It’s worth more than Amira will ever make.

JUSTICE

I did it… so kids like you would buy tickets to my races… and buy merchandise with my face on it.

Justice crouches in front of Amira. He flashes a wicked, vacuous, mocking smile at Amira.

JUSTICE

I did it all for money.

Amira’s world is shattered. Images of her loving and lavishing Justice and everything he stood for flash in her mind.

AMIRA

(V.O.) You made me believe that I could _be_ something. You made me believe that anything truly was possible!

Something snaps in Amira.

JUSTICE

Do you get it, kid? You won’t ever make it. Quit while you’re ahead.

Amira puts a hand on Justice’s arm.

JUSTICE

What are you--

And burns it.

JUSTICE

AAAAH!!

Amira runs away.

JUSTICE

You little… WHAT THE HELL’S WRONG WITH YOU?!

Justice notices… his arm is a lot lighter than it used to be. He looks on his wrist…

The watch is gone.

justice

(FURIOUS) SECURITY! GET THAT FUCKING GIRL!

Justice whips out his phone and calls the police.

Kiyana waits by Amira’s stock car impatiently. Amira runs over and stops in front of her.

KIYANA

Mimi! Wh-what happened, why’d you run?!

AMIRA

Justice is a phony!

KIYANA

A… what?!

AMIRA

He lied! About everything! But--…

Amira puts her hand up. Kiyana’s face turns to horror. Amira has a desperate, hopeless smile on her face as she puts up Justice’s stolen watch.

AMIRA

I got his watch!

KIYANA

Amira, no!

AMIRA

Kiki, this is it! This is our big break! This thing is worth so much, w-we could sell it! We could sell the watch, and, and I could race, and you could go to college! And Auntie could get a new restaurant, and Satya and I could afford a nice house! Kiki… Kiki, I…

Amira laughs.

AMIRA

Our dreams… they’ll all come true!

Kiyana looks above Amira, with dread in her eyes.

AMIRA

Kiki? Kiki, look at me.

… There are two police officers standing above Amira. They grab her arms.

AMIRA

K-kiki! Grab the watch, do it! Grab it and run, we… we can make it! We can make it out! PLEASE!

POLICE OFFICER #1

Young lady, you’re under arrest!

Kiyana steps back in fear.

AMIRA

KIKI, PLEASE I BEG YOU! YOU HAVE TO! PLEASE! _PLEASE!_

POLICE OFFICER #2

You have the right to remain silent!

AMIRA

KIKI!

The first Police officer turns to Kiyana.

POLICE OFFICER #1

You! What’s your name?!

KIYANA

K-Kiyana…

POLICE OFFICER #1

Did you two plan this?!

kiyana

N-No…!

POLICE OFFICER #1

Do you know this girl?! If you know her, you’ll be considered an accomplice!

AMIRA

KIKI, TAKE THE WATCH!

POLICE OFFICER #1

DO YOU KNOW HER?!

Kiyana…

KIYANA

I don’t. I don’t know her.

AMIRA

K--… Kiyana…

Kiyana mouths the words “sorry” to Amira… and runs away.

If you look deep enough in Amira’s hopeless eyes… you can still see the reflection of the one she loved leaving her side.

The police officers handcuff her.

MONTAGE – DUE PROCESS

A- Amira is dragged into a cop car. Satya runs up to the window and bangs on it, crazed and delirious. Amira just looks down, unable to face Satya in this state. The car drives away. Satya wails in pain and anguish.

B- Amira has her mugshot taken.

C- Amira is thrown in a holding cell. She runs up to the bars and rattles them. No one comes to her aid.

D- Amira’s in court, in an orange jumpsuit. There’s no one but her, her court-appointed lawyer, the prosecution, and the judge.

JUDGE

In light of all this evidence, it’s clear that the defendant is guilty of every crime she’s been accused of. The court hereby sentences Ms. Amira Rashid to four years in federal prison.

The judge slams his gavel. Police officers drag Amira away.

E- Amira is taken to federal prison via bus. Hardened criminals surround her.

F- Amira enters her cell. There’s nothing in it but a bed and a toilet.

warden

Lights out!

The lights go out. Amira slowly walks toward her bed… it’s cold and uncomfortable. She tries to sleep… but she can’t. Tears well up in her eyes.

AMIRA

Kiki… I’m sorry…

INT. AMUN-RA, ELEVATOR – EVENING

justice

… So? Speak up!

BEAT.

AMIRA

No… no, we haven’t met.

JUSTICE

Huh… yeah, I guess so. I probably would’ve remembered the hair.

The elevator dings. Justice gets out.

Amira looks down at the floor.

VERA

That was Justice Vasquez by the way.

AMIRA

… I know.

ACT THREE

EXT. AMUN-RA FLOOR 100, PENTHOUSE – EVENING

The elevator to the penthouse digs and opens. The two girls step out.

AMIRA

This is…

Marble floors… elegant white columns… glass walls in every direction… a massive infinity pool…

… And a deathly, glacial stillness. The lights are all off. There’s not a sound to be heard here. 100 floors above the city… this place is a dimension of its own. The very apex of Monstropolis.

There’s an ornate marbled path, straight from the elevator to out of the penthouse into the pool area. On a pool bed, we can barely make out the shadow of someone lounging. The girls observe this… and slowly make their way toward them.

Vera stops herself after a moment, though.

AMIRA

What’s up?

Vera stares at the ground in confusion. Etched in marble, in the very center of the penthouse, there’s a massive, unblinking eye. It feels unearthly… like if you stare for long enough you might sink into it. It makes Vera uncomfortable. Amira wants to ask if Vera’s okay, but she notices something too.

On the far wall, there’s an elaborate tapestry. Amira looks intrigued by it.

The tapestry depicts a complex, elaborate pattern of cascading circles enclosing depictions of the sun, the moon and the earth. Beneath it, an elegant, ephemeral woman holds the astral bodies up, as though presenting them to the heavens.

VERA

That’s probably there because of Manat’s influence. This is their creation myth.

AMIRA

Creation…?

VERA

The people of Manat have worshipped spirits called Djinn for centuries. They say not only have Djinn created the world, they birthed the country of Manat as well. Djinn are immensely powerful beings, capable of granting wishes. According to Legend, the first Djinn, the goddess Manāt, granted the wishes of the unborn people of earth to create the sun, the moon and the planets. Thousands of years later, another Djinn, Mother Alilat the first queen of Manat, granted a poor orphaned boy’s wishes to make the then arid desert in that region a glorious kingdom: with vegetation, rivers, and people. Every ruler of Manat since its inception has been a Djinn… a direct descendant of the first Queen, and of the world’s creator. This tapestry honors that.

BEAT.

AMIRA

… How do you know all this shit?

VERA

Get off my back, explaining things helps me calm my nerves.

AMIRA

Nah, but you know a _lot_ about this one country in particular.

VERA

I like researching things, it’s my hobby! Also, this hotel was funded by them, obviously I went on their fucking Wikipedia page.

AMIRA

Yeah and you fuckin’ remembered _all_ of it. Not one detail slipped by you, did it. Your brain just sucked up all that knowledge. How do you do that, girl? You must go BEAST mode on trivia night.

VERA

Can we just go talk to John Smith and be done with tonight? It feels like we’ve been in this hotel for a week.

AMIRA

I feel like I’ve been in here for ten years…

EXT. AMUN-RA FLOOR 100, PENTHOUSE POOL – EVENING

The girls head toward the pool. Tension builds as they approach the shadow lounging by the poolside. A cold sweat runs down Amira’s back. The shadow turns--

???

Uh… what are you guys doing in my penthouse?

Amira and Vera stop. They turn to right beside them, where a…

Uh… there’s a guy there. Just a normal guy. An extremely average looking guy. Kind of young, but also a little older than you’d think. Just an average dude.

GUY

Oh, you girls look pretty young actually, are you two lost? This is the hundredth floor, kind of a long way up…

Not only that, he’s wearing an opaque wetsuit, a pool ring, water wings, a snorkel and big floppy scuba fins on his feet.

BEAT.

GUY

S-Sorry about the outfit, I don’t know how to swim. My secretary was gonna teach me.

The guy waves at the shadow the girls saw. The shadow reveals herself, a dark elf in a swimsuit waves back at the guy.

VERA

It’s an honor to meet you…

Vera bows slightly.

VERA

… Mr. John Smith.

… John Smith puts his hands on his hips.

JOHN

Oh geez… is this going to be a business thing? Crud, I bet I made a bad impression going out all… With all the gear on and everything… Ava! Was this on my schedule? Is this my fault?

The dark elf, Ava, shakes her head no.

JOHN

So it wasn’t, okay. Good! I feel a little better.

INT. AMUN-RA FLOOR 100, PENTHOUSE OFFICE – LATER

John Smith re-enters the pretty bare and average looking office, with a normal suit on. John goes behind his desk and sits for a moment. Amira and Vera sit in front of him. Ava stands in the corner of the room.

BEAT.

JOHN

Ava, why do you always stand in the corner? Get a chair! I don’t want you getting your legs hurt…

AVA

I’m fine.

JOHN

Ava, please. We always have this conversation, just get a chair.

AVA

There’s no need. I am fine.

JOHN

Ava, if you don’t want to go get a chair, I’ll go get one for you myself.

Ava stares at John. John stares back.

BEAT.

Cut to later. Ava’s sitting next to Amira and Vera. John helps her get seated before going back behind his desk and sitting on his chair again.

JOHN

Okay! Wait.

John smith adjusts his seat height a little…

A little more…

JOHN

Ok, perfect. Okay! To what do I owe the pleasure? Is this going to be an interview for a school paper? I love doing those.

VERA

Far from it, sir. We’re here to talk business.

JOHN

Business! I love business. Let’s talk it then.

Vera takes the black laminated card she got from Jinas and places it on the table.

JOHN

Hmmm. That kind of business. What did you say your name was?

VERA

Vera Oberlin.

JOHN

Ohh… so you’re _that_ girl, I see… Crime lord, right?

VERA

Among many other things, yes.

JOHN

Impressive… at your age? That’s not nothing.

VERA

I’m flattered, sir.

JOHN

Even more impressive that you managed to get Jinas’ black card… Here’s a fun little tidbit: Jinas’ is the only one that’s looks like this. He colored and laminated it himself! Mine is just normal, look:

John pulls a regular, average business card out of his pocket.

JOHN

I’m not judging him, we’ve all got our hobbies. How did you get the card from him?

VERA

Blackjack.

JOHN

Yeesh! Jinas hates blackjack, I guess he didn’t want to do poker again after last time…

Vera glances behind John Smith slightly. There’s a red poker chip on one of his shelves.

VERA

I beat him in one hand.

JOHN

So did I! Jinas is fun to beat.

John laughs a little.

JOHN

Enough jokes though… what you’re looking for here, what is it exactly?

VERA

Ideally… I want to be part of your inner circle.

JOHN

That’s one _lofty_ goal…

VERA

I have loftier.

JOHN

Really? Like what?

VERA

Mr. John Smith… I believe I have what it takes to succeed you.

John raises an eyebrow.

JOHN

Succeed me… you know, it’s not that simple. I didn’t get to where I am today without my fair share of thankless, back-breaking work. Do you think you can do something like that?

VERA

I’m _already_ doing it. I own close to a hundred businesses…

JOHN

Uh-huh…

VERA

I’ve established a comprehensive, incredibly deep information _and_ assassination network…

JOHN

I see…

VERA

I’m Spooky High’s student council president--

JOHN

Wait, you’re _what?_

John sits up.

VERA

I’m the council president of Spooky High.

John seems… intrigued.

JOHN

And… Do they like you over there?

VERA

They don’t love anyone more.

JOHN

That’s great to hear…

John thinks to himself for a while.

JOHN

Vera… You’ve got a good life. A nice, comfortable life… so why do you want a life like the one me and my men lead? You realize we carry burdens we’ll take to the grave, right? This can’t be the path you envisioned as a child, for instance… aren’t you happy right now?

VERA

No.

John is a little taken aback by Vera’s incredibly dry and direct answer.

JOHN

Why do you say that?

VERA

A pleasant life doesn’t appeal to me. I could care less about a life without hardship. Accruing power and influence are the only things that give me genuine joy. I am merely following my dreams, as it were. _This_ is my pursuit of happiness.

JOHn

I see… You know, I was like that too, when I started.

VERA

Mr. Brontes said much the same thing. He said we were similar.

JOHN

I see his point…

John motions to his secretary. The secretary understands what he wants and gets up to go retrieve it. John turns his attention to Amira.

JOHN

You. You haven’t spoken much…

AMIRA

I’m just following Ms. Oberlin here, sir.

JOHN

I see you’ve got an Ava of your own! Not as talkative as mine, though…

VERA

She’s just nervous. She doesn’t want to overstep her bounds.

JOHN.

That’s unfortunate. Relax! You ought to speak your mind. I mean, You’ve got the mayor here! Isn’t there anything you’ve wanted to ask a guy like me?

The question… triggers something in Amira.

AMIRA

I suppose there is… _one_ thing I’ve been wondering.

Vera glances at Amira. There’s something bubbling beneath Amira’s calm exterior…

JOHN

Please, ask.

AMIRA

It’s about this little piece of the city. It’s about… the Ghoul Street Aggregate. Some things about it confuse me.

JOHN

Where’s the confusion?

AMIRA

Things have been getting worse there for a long time. Every year, it seems the people get poorer and poorer… you’re the mayor, aren’t you, sir? I was just wondering… isn’t there anything you could do?

JOHN

Anything I could do…

John sighs.

JOHN

What’s your name, young lady?

Amira glances at Vera slightly. Vera blinks. Amira understands the sign.

AMIRA

… Amira.

JOHN

Amira… what does the “Ghoul Street Aggregate” mean to you?

AMIRA

… It’s just someplace I’ve been looking into recently.

JOHN

I see… well, Amira. You ought to look a little more closely. Sector 86, that piece of land called “the Ghoul Street Aggregate”, hasn’t been getting “worse every year”. It’s been awful from the start.

AMIRA

So then--

JOHN

What you must understand is that, if its been terrible for this long, surely it’s by _design_.

Amira’s eyes widen a little. John crosses his arms on his desk and sits up.

JOHN

The poverty rate has been nearly 50 percent for years… policing is intense and merciless… School districts are underfunded… infrastructure is crumbling… I could go on and on. I know every single one of Sector 86’s problems. And you know what I say to that?

AMIRA

(QUIET) What…?

JOHN

I say… What _tremendous_ planning on my part.

Amira’s jaw clenches.

AMIRA

Planning?

JOHN

Amira, what makes someone rich? Can you answer? Because its not having a lot money that makes you rich. Here’s a thought exercise: imagine a world where all people, countries, everything has been wiped out. There’s only one village left, one tiny village. Now imagine if everyone in that village had 10 dollars. Question: is anyone in that village rich?

AMIRA

No…?

JOHN

Ok. Now imagine if everyone in that village was a billionaire. Is anyone in that village rich?

AMIRA

I…

JOHN

The answer is still no. If everyone’s rich, no one is. The state of the village is the same if they had 10 or a billion dollars. The truth is, for anyone to be rich… someone has to be poor. Being rich isn’t about having a lot. It’s about having _more._ Do you understand?

Amira gulps.

JOHN

Life is a zero-sum game. Society… is a zero-sum game. Our city is going through a marvelous economic and cultural boom… wages are high, families are taken care of and citizens are content in the lives they have. That’s great! Everyone’s happy… but everything has a price. The reason our wages can be high is because companies find that value back, as in, it’s worth a lot of money to have a business in this city. The reason why its worth so much money, is because people who _have_ a lot of money live here. The reason why people with money live here is because their property won’t _devalue_ from living here. The reason it won’t devalue…

It clicks in Amira’s head. Amira’s fist clenches involuntarily.

JOHN

… is because, conveniently… all low-income housing… all low-income people… everything that could make a neighbourhood, and our city, less valuable… is pushed out. It’s all gathered in one place… where it’s easy to keep an eye on… and its easy to keep them poor until they die.

John smiles.

JOHN

Does that answer your question?

Amira trembles. Vera notices her emotions are getting to her and tries to subtly place a hand on her arm to calm her down but its ineffective. Amira’s rage bubbles under the surface as she speaks.

AMIRA

I have… one more question.

JOHN

Please, ask.

AMIRA

If… by some miracle… someone was born in that place.

KIYANA

(V.O.) I don’t wanna cook… I hate it.

AMIRA

Someone with talent… and a future.

KIYANA

(V.O.) I wanna make cars, but I can’t.

amira

Someone bright. Someone that could push this city, and maybe the world, forward.

kiyana

(V.O.) All ‘cause we live here… I know there’s no helpin’ it, but still. I still…

amira

A genius.

KIYANA

(V.O.) … I wish I could be an engineer one day.

Amira gets up. She tries her hardest to keep composed, but her rage seeps through in her eyes.

AMIRA

(TENSE) What would you do? Would you keep them down?

john

Amira…

John gets up and looks unflinchingly at Amira.

JOHN

This city has two prisons. One is for criminals… and the other is Sector 86. A prison for people like you just described. And that prison…? I am its warden. So… What would I do? What would I do…

John’s smile is empty.

JOHN

I would do my job as warden. If it were up to me… they’d never… _ever_ escape.

Once again… Something snaps in Amira.

AMIRA

YOU--!

Vera grabs Amira’s collar and pulls her close.

Into a kiss.

AMIRA

…!

After a brief moment, Vera pulls away… lovingly stroking Amira’s cheek.

AMIRA

V--… Vera…

VERA

Oh Amira… _You’re so much prettier when you don’t talk._

Amira gets it. She quiets down. However… knowing Vera only kissed her to save her life doesn’t stop her from going fully red.

And seemingly… it doesn’t stop Vera either. They both try to return to their professional personas but both are embarrassed and looking away from one another.

Despite the circumstances… it’s here, in this office, that these two shared their first kiss.

BEAT.

JOHN

Uh…

Oh right.

Amira and Vera step away from one another and sit back down.

JOHN

Awkward…

VERA

Please forgive Amira, she’s passionate.

JOHN

So are you, apparently… Are you two involved?

vera

Involved…?

JOHN

I heard you bicker in my living room when you first got up here. Was that a lovers quarrel?

AMIRA

She was telling me about your Manatian tapestry, sir.

JOHN

Nice, right? It was a gift from the Queen, she came here personally.

VERA

To answer your question, though, no. We are not… currently in a relationship.

JOHN

That’s a shame. You two are cute, I uh… what do they say? I heard a kid say this word once, hold on… I “ships” it. Is that it?

VERA

That is the word, Mr. Smith.

JOHN

See? I’m hip. I understand though, you know, me and Ava used to be in a relationship.

VERA

Used to? What happened?

JOHN

Ah, time caught up to us. The age difference just got too big.

VERA

Right…

JOHN

I mean what’s a 200-year-old girl like that doing with an 800-year-old guy like me?

John sighs and reclines.

JOHN

I’m old enough to be her grandpa… that just doesn’t fly nowadays.

VERA

Eight hundred…

JOHN

Almost nine hundred. I’m a few decades away.

AMIRA

That sounds like a lot…

JOHN

It’s average for a human. I know you haven’t met many, but… humans live as long as me.

Amira does her best to accept this explanation without asking unnecessary questions.

Ava enters holding a contract.

AVA

Here’s the contract, sir.

JOHN

Ah! Yes. How could we get so sidetracked? Here, Vera.

Ava places the contract before Vera.

JOHN

I’ve decided to give you a shot. Joining the inner circle will take some time, but… consider this me investing in your future. The terms of our partnership are written down.

Vera takes the contract and starts reading.

VERA

Should Amira sign as well?

JOHN

As a courtesy to her, I suppose she ought to.

Vera hands Amira the contract.

VERA

Go on, Amira. It’s nothing _I_ wouldn’t sign.

Amira takes the contract in her hands.

INT. FEDERAL CORRECTIONAL INSTITUTION, MONSTROPOLIS, DAYTIME

“5 MONTHS AGO”

Match cut to Amira, now 19 years old, looking over a contract, sitting in a warden’s office in the FCI. Opposite her, what appears to be two government officials and a teacher.

TEACHER

Go on, Amira. It’s nothing _I_ wouldn’t sign.

AMIRA

… What is this?

teacher

I’m glad you asked: you’ve been selected for Monstropolis’ new rehabilitation program. It targets youths with criminal records, and attempts to… um, rehabilitate them.

AMIRA

… Rehabilitate?

TEACHER

Yes! You’ll be put in one of our partnered High Schools and have the chance to earn a diploma. Considering you were in 9th grade when you were incarcerated, you’ll be put in 12th grade if you accept this.

Amira looks it over again.

AMIRA

If I sign this… will I get out of here?

TEACHER

Yes!

Amira looks at it again… and grabs a pen.

EXT. OUTSIDE FEDERAL CORRECTIONAL INSTITUTION, MONSTROPOLIS - DAYTIME

Amira stands outside the prison walls for the first time in three years. She’s motionless, staring straight at the sky. The teacher from before is in front of her, in his car.

TEACHER

Amira, come!

INT. TEACHER’S CAR – CONTINUOUS

Amira sits in the passenger’s seat.

TEACHER

Buckle your seatbelt, Amira.

BEAT.

Amira buckles her seatbelt.

TEACHER

Freedom, huh? We’ll go see your family now, aren’t you excited?

Amira says nothing.

TEACHER

… You’ll be excited, I’m sure you will. I have your old address, hold on…

amira

I…

The teacher turns to Amira. Amira looks straight ahead, a hint of desperation in her eyes.

AMIRA

I want to go see Kiki.

TEACHER

Kiki, is she your family?

AMIRA

I love her. Can I go see her?

TEACHER

Of course!

AMIRA

Take me. Please.

The teacher turns the ignition and drives off.

MONTAGE - 

A- Amira looks out of the window, out at the dilapidated state of her neighbourhood. Rust and Decay overtake everything.

B- Amira’s dropped off by the teacher in front of Ghoul Street buyers. Amira sighs and walks off toward Satya’s bar. She doesn’t see this, but Russel’s in the window, looking at her. His eyes widen and he drops his wallet. Russel runs over to the phone in his shop and calls Satya.

C- Amira knocks on the door to Satya’s bar. Satya swings the door open, tears all over her face. Satya hugs Amira and wails, in grief, regret, and joy. Amira hugs her back… but in the corner of her eyes, she sees a ring of dust around where her Justice Vasquez poster used to be. The pain returns. Amira steps away and asks Satya…

amira

Can I go see Kiki?

Satya…

amira

… Satya?

Satya breathes in and out… and hisses at Amira. Amira’s eyes widen.

D- Amira stands in front of Nansi’s restaurant, shocked.

Where the restaurant once stood… there is now nothing but an abandoned building.  
  
Empty… totally empty. Amira turns back toward Satya. The guilt on Satya’s face overtakes it. She shakes her head slightly. Amira’s heart falls into her stomach.

E- Amira arrives at the junkyard. In front of… her and Kiyana’s secret workshop. She walks to the door… does the secret knock… opens it…  
  
… Nothing.  
  
Every trace of Kiyana… every picture, every trophy, every memory the two shared… Every failed project, every bitter night spent crying over second place, every testament to their love and trust in each other…  
  
Gone. Without a trace.  
  
Amira falls to her knees. Her face twists in regret and sadness.  
  
Tight, tightly in her hands… she clutches the charm Kiyana made her. The only thing she has left.

END MONTAGE

EXT. VERA’S HOME, VERA’S ROOM – LATE NIGHT

It’s still and quiet. Amira lies on Vera’s bed, eyes closed, trying to sleep.

Trails of tears fall from her eyes.

Vera lies right beside her. She looks at Amira crying… and rustles her a little.

VERA

Hey…

Amira slowly opens her eyes. She notices the tears on her cheeks and wipes them.

VERA

(WORRIED) Are you okay…?

AMIRA

I’m fine… I was just thinking about the past.

VERA

What were you thinking about?

Vera looks almost desperately worried. Her gaze is sympathetic and genuine. Amira opens up.

AMIRA

I was just thinking what my life would be like if I hadn’t stolen his watch.

VERA

His…

AMIRA

The reason I went to jail is because four years ago, I stole Justice Vasquez’ watch. I did it because… I wanted to be a race-car driver. And I needed money.

Vera says nothing. She doesn’t ask a single question. She just pulls Amira close, as close as she can, and holds her tight against her chest. The intimate contact with her beloved accentuates Amira’s emotions and she starts softly weeping into Vera.

As Amira cries, her fire slowly but surely disappears, until it fizzles out, revealing soft, curly hair. Vera seems taken aback by it… and slowly, apprehensively at first, inches a hand closer to stroke it. She finally makes contact and starts caressing it softly.

Amira finds it in herself to chuckle a little.

AMIRA

You havin’ fun, Vera?

VERA

I’m just surprised by how soft it is.

Amira sighs and pulls herself closer to Vera. Vera hugs Amira a little tighter as well.

VERA

You did a great job today.

AMIRA

I did my best.

VERA

You couldn’t have done better. I wouldn’t have gotten this far without your help, Amira.

AMIRA

That makes me happy… I always work hard for you.

VERA

You always make me proud.

AMIRA

Thank you. 

VERA

Because of that, it’s only fair I tell you the whole truth about what we’ve been doing together.

AMIRA

The truth…?

VERA

My plan. What I’ve been doing all this for. The truth is…

Vera breathes in…

VERA

I’m trying to kill John Smith.

AMIRA

I knew it.

Amira smiles a little.

AMIRA

I’m so happy.

vera

You knew, huh…

AMIRA

When you said you wanted to join him, I knew that was wrong. The Vera I know wouldn’t let herself be second to anyone.

VERA

You’re right… in reality, all this started when John Smith stole my father’s home.

AMIRA

He stole it?

VERA

The house my dad lived in for years. He… he lived there with his wife. And when his wife died… the house had all the memories he had left of her. When John Smith took that land for himself, and kicked out my father, my dad shut down emotionally. He buried himself in work, rarely came home… It broke my heart to see the man who adopted me in such thorough anguish. And so, I started plotting.

AMIRA

I think I know how you feel…

VERA

It turns my stomach that I had to kiss up to him so much… It kills me inside that I made you do it too, considering all he’s done to your home as well.

AMIRA

I can’t believe that guy is why Satya and I live in poverty…

VERA

That man is a cancer on the world. From the bottom of my heart, I wish for nothing more than for him to be dead. Maybe then… we could finally have peace, you and I.

Vera feels Amira’s sadness, as she recalls the awful things she learned.

vera

If only we could’ve gotten through today without all those harrowing revelations…

AMIRA

… I learned a few things I wish I could’ve died having never known.

vera

It kills me to see you in so much pain.

AMIRA

It’s ok. I gotta be strong for you.

VERA

You…

Vera pauses.

VERA

You don’t _have_ to be strong. I rely on you… so you can rely on me. We succeed because we work together. When you feel weak… hold onto me.

AMIRA

… I wish I could hold onto you forever. It still feels like a dream… an angel fell into my life and gave me purpose. I’d do anything for you, Vera. Anything. Just… please…

Amira looks up into Vera’s eyes.

AMIRA

 _Please…_ don’t let me go. Please don’t leave me.

VERA

I won’t…

Vera comes just a little closer.

VERA

I promise.

The girls kiss. It is this moment, in the quiet, at the dead of midnight, with both of them tangled together between the sheets, that Vera and Amira consider their first kiss.

POST-CREDITS

INT. VERA’S HOME – NEXT MORNING

Vera yawns as she enters her living room. As she does though, she notices a smell in the air.

VERA

… Is someone cooking?

INT. VERA’S HOME, KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Vera turns the corner into her kitchen, where she finds Amira in an apron, cooking breakfast. She’s frying eggs on low heat.

VERA

So it _was_ you!

amira

Hey! How are you doing on this fine December morning?

VERA

Fantastic. And that smells amazing by the way, what are you cooking?

AMIRA

Just testin’ stuff out. Makin’ whatever from what you had. Your kitchen is nice as hell, let me tell you. It is _spotless._

VERA

It’s probably because we _barely_ use it… Dad doesn’t have the time to cook anymore, and Valerie knows how to make eggs but that’s about it. I, uh… I’m kinda…

AMIRA

Lost cause?

VERA

Sh-Shut up!

Amira laughs with Vera.

AMIRA

Nah, but… thank you to whoever buys groceries around here, y’all gave me some options at least. Granted, not as many as would’ve been _ideal_ but shit, we can leave the banquet for another day. For now, though?

Amira assembles a ham, egg and cheese sandwich for Vera.

AMIRA

Here.

Vera grabs the sandwich and bites into it.

BEAT.

VERA

Amira… this is the best sandwich I’ve ever had.

AMIRA

Holy shit, how bad is your family at cooking?

VERA

How _amazing_ is _yours?!_

AMIRA

Like, I’m glad you like it but… I barely even did anything.

VERA

What is this sauce, why is it delicious? What’d you put it in, God’s tears?

amira

I-It’s just homemade mayo--

VERA

… I’m gonna cry. 

BEAT.

AMIRA

Vera, why didn’t you tell me your food situation was so bad? or is this just you gassing me up?

VERA

Can I have two more?

Amira laughs and turns the stovetop back on.

INT. VERA’S HOME, LIVING ROOM – LATER

Vera and Amira are side by side, on the couch watching TV. Vera is eating her third sandwich.

VERA

This is so good. I knew it, I fucking _knew_ you were a genius cook.

AMIRA

Genius cook, right…

VERA

Why did you never tell me?! The curry that one time? The tea from that other time?? You were hiding this!

Vera puts the sandwich up.

VERA

You were hiding THIS!!

Vera takes a big bite out of it. Amira laughs before getting serious.

AMIRA

I don’t know why I hid it… I guess I was just defensive about everything. In a twisted way, I thought cooking was a weakness.

VERA

… How is this a weakness?

AMIRA

I don’t know! Haha, I was so weird! Honestly, I… I think I changed a little.

VERA

Really?

AMIRA

Yeah… I don’t think I need to prove anyone anything. I think after all this time, I have everything I want.

Amira turns to Vera.

AMIRA

I have you.

BEAT.

VERA

(TEASING) Corny.

AMIRA

(LAUGHING) Shut up!

Vera pulls Amira close.

vera

Now you know how I feel.

Amira feels safe in Vera’s arms.

VERA

By the way. You’re coming over on Christmas.

AMIRA

No yeah, obviously. I’m comin’ in there to cook everything. You people are down _bad,_ y’all _need_ me to cook Christmas dinner.

VERA

Crap, I think I’m salivating from imagining a ham cooked by you…

AMIRA

I’ll glaze it and shit.

VERA

Mmmm, you’re gonna make the skin crispy and stuff?

AMIRA

I’ll make it as crispy as you want it.

VERA

Oh my god…

AMIRA

Show me whatever you want. I’ll make it, no questions asked.

VERA

I’m so happy… my girlfriend’s so talented.

Amira pulls away.

AMIRA

… Girlfriend?

VERA

Amira, I think we’re past this? We’re obviously dating. Unless you don’t _want--_

AMIRA

Nope! No, I want. I want _real_ fuckin’ badly. I love you to death.

VERA

Ugh… Valerie called this.

AMIRA

(LAUGHING) Did she??

VERA

She said we’d be dating in five months. It hasn’t even been _one_.

AMIRA

… Yo.

VERA

Yeah.

AMIRA

I’m… should I apologize? She’s boutta make fun of you _so. Bad._

VERA

She’s 100 percent going to lord this over me for probably forever.

AMIRA

Should we not tell her then? I-I want you to keep _some_ dignity.

VERA

It’s okay… let’s tell her sometime next week. Might as well rip that band aid off as soon as possible…

aMIRA

Sounds good to me!

Amira jumps back in Vera’s arms, startling Vera. The TV remote falls on the ground.

VERA

Haha! Relax, Amira! I’m not going anywhere!

Amira nuzzles herself into Vera’s chest.

AMIRA

This is my spot now. I’m gonna write my name right here, nobody else allowed.

VERA

Knock yourself out. Where’s the remote? I wanna watch the news.

AMIRA

It fell after I jumped on you.

VERA

Cool. Get up and go grab it.

AMIRA

Ugh… _fiiiiine_.

Amira gets up and walks over to the remote. As she tries to grab it:

VERA

Wait!

AMIRA

What?

VERA

… Grab it without bending your knees.

AMIRA

Vera, you tryina look at my ass or somethin’?

VERA

No, I wanna make fun of you for not being flexible.

AMIRA

UGHHHHHH.

VERA

(LAUGHING) Remember in gym class??

AMIRA

(LAUGHING) Don’t remind me!

VERA

You were talking such a big game about how you were gonna get the best score on the sit and reach test, and then you like… BARELY even touched the thing!

Vera doubles over in laughter.

VERA

It was so pathetic! It was like… hahaha!

AMIRA

Oh yeah?? Watch THIS!

Amira reaches for the remote.

She can’t reach it. Vera starts wheezing.

AMIRA

G-Give me a sec…

Amira reaches again and somehow gets _less_ close. Vera’s actively coughing right now.

VERA

(OUT OF BREATH) Please, please! Please stop, I’m gonna die--!

Amira reaches as far as she can. Vera laughs, but… she notices something weird and raises an eyebrow.

VERA

Amira… do you have a back tattoo?

AMIRA

Oh! Is it on my back right now?

Amira gets up and tries to orient herself to see a little of her back in one of the mirrors.

AMIRA

Oh shit! I’m having a back day!

Vera tilts her head.

AMIRA

That’s prolly weird for me to just _say_ huh…

VERA

What’s a _back_ day?

Vera gets up and walks over to Amira. Amira just crouches and grabs the remote.

AMIRA

A back day’s what I call it when the drawing on my back shows up. My back’s usually just blank, but every once in a while, I’ll get this weird ass, like… design back there.

Amira raises the back of her shirt a little. There’s definitely something on there.

AMIRA

It’s been happening since I was a kid.

vera

Wait, let me wrap my mind around this… a tattoo will just _appear_ on your back randomly?

AMIRA

Yep.

VERA

And it’s been going on since…

AMIRA

Since I was a kid.

VERA

You’ve had a tattoo since you were a kid?

AMIRA

Yeah…? I mean, I guess it’s a tattoo. Imma be honest with you, I have no clue what it is. But Satya says it’s good luck! And, yeah, I think I’m havin’ pretty good luck right now.

VERA

… Can I see?

AMIRA

My back? Sure, hold up.

Amira turns around and takes her shirt off.

AMIRA

Tadaa! Wait, Hold on, bra in the way…

Amira unhooks her bra.

AMIRA

Tadaaaa! What do you think?

Vera’s not saying anything.

AMIRA

Vera? Vera, you good?

Vera drops the remote.

AMIRA

Ha! You dropped it! Get it without bending your knees!

Vera’s still not saying anything.

AMIRA

H-Holy shit Vera, are you allergic to mayo I made? You’re bein’ real quiet right now. Is everything okay…?

Vera… has true, utter and complete shock on her face.

VERA

Amira.

AMIRA

Yep?

VERA

… What species of monster are you?

AMIRA

Uhhh… Fire spirit.

VERA

Are you _sure?_

AMIRA

Yeah? Satya always told me I was a fire spirit. I’m definitely not a nagini, that’s for sure.

vera

No, but are you SURE you’re… _just_ a fire spirit?

AMIRA

(WORRIED) Yeah--? Vera, what’s going on?! What are you seeing on my back?!

Vera gulps.

On Amira’s back…

… A complex, elaborate pattern of cascading circles enclosing depictions of the sun and the moon, with a third circle, which is empty.

However… we know the third circle should house a depiction of the earth. Because we’ve seen this drawing before.

The T.V., which was still on from when the girls were watching it before, switched to a breaking news report while they were talking.

NEWS-SLIME

We are here live, at a press conference from Mayor John Smith’s secretary, Ava Mozrir.

AVA

It is with a heavy heart that I must announce to you all that our mayor… Mayor John Smith, who served the city for 30 years… died, of natural causes last night.

Reporters erupt with questions and comments. Ava tries to pull herself together.

Vera, on the other hand, _cannot_ pull herself together. Vera’s afraid because she understands. She knows why John Smith is now dead.

It’s because…

VERA

(V.O.) That man is a cancer on the world. From the bottom of my heart, I _wish_ for nothing more than for him to be dead **.**

Vera slowly turns to Amira.

Amira’s celebrating.

AMIRA

Woah, holy shit! John Smith fuckin’ _died?_ Sick! We don’t even gotta do nothin’! See? I _told_ you back days were lucky! Haha! Let’s go on a date to celebrate, come on! Imma borrow some of your clothes, hope you don’t mind.

Amira runs past Vera up the stairs to Vera’s room.

Vera’s alone. She collapses on the couch, turns the tv off… and buries her face in her hands.

VERA

Oh Amira… I know you meant well, but… you shouldn’t just grant every wish you hear. Did she do it on purpose? No… She doesn’t seem to realize what she actually is…

Vera bites her nail nervously.

vera

This changes everything. His death came _way_ too early and now my _whole_ plan is out of whack… What do I do?

BEAT.

Vera gets off the couch and huffs.

VERA

Ah, whatever! I don’t wanna think about this right now. Let me go on a date with my girlfriend then I’ll think about her being a Djinn later.

Vera makes to leave, but as she does, she notices she’s left one bite of her sandwich.

VERA

Ooh!

Vera picks it up and chomp! finishes her third of three sandwiches.

FADE OUT:

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 🐍❤️🔥
> 
> 200k+ words! Seems like a weird thing to celebrate, but you know what, I'm still proud. Who would've thought a script fic could be this long lol  
> It's spring break for me right now, perfect time to make some real progress on writing. Good news: as of this episode I'm currently writing the final arc of the second season! Getting to pen the payoffs for all the things I did my best to setup is really validating. I can't wait for you guys to see it!


	21. Yuletide, Prologue: Everyone Takes a Turn On Valerie

“THE FOLLOWING IS AN ACCOUNT OF THE EVENTS OF THE WEEK OF DECEMBER 21ST.

IT IS CURRENTLY DECEMBER 21ST, 9:08 AM. 

86 HOURS AND 52 MINUTES UNTIL CHRISTMAS.”

FADE IN:

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL – MORNING - ESTABLISHING

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! The whole school is getting swept up in the Christmas festivities. The halls and classrooms are all decorated, and with exams done, today exudes a carefree, joyous aura that no day before it can replicate. One class in particular, class 4-1, is really feeling the holiday spirit! Let’s see how they’re doing why don’t we?

A low hum from a Christmas song can be heard outside the door of our protagonists’ classroom.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CLASSROOM – MORNING

The class is having a Christmas party. Everyone’s there, even Oz (for some reason). The group sings a timeless Christmas song… How does it go…?

EVERYONE

(SINGING) _Joy to the world! The savior reigns--_

POLLY

(SINGING) _My ass is full of cuuuuuum!_

Everyone stops.

BEAT.

polly

Guys, harmonize. 

VERA

Polly --

POLLY

(SINGING) _Cuuuuuuum--!_ Guys! Come on, harmonize-- (SINGING) _Cuuuuuuu--_ Hold on I lost the pitch-- (SINGING) _CuuuuUUUUUUUUuuuum--_

vera

POLLY! Could you stop being fucking disgusting for ONE DAY?!

DAMIEN

Yeah, Polly, now Santa’s _never_ gonna give me a PlayStation 5 with Spider-Man: Miles Morales and Call of Duty: Black Ops – Cold War because YOU keep talking about YOUR BOYFRIEND’S CUM!

POLLY

How do you know it’s my _boyfriend’s?_ ~

OZ

(NERVOUS) H-Haha, it better be…?

VERA

Nice job sneaking _him_ into our class’ _private_ party, by the way. I don’t remember giving you permission for that.

POLLY

Too bad, I guess you were too busy cuddling your girlfriend to notice.

VERA

I’m not--!

POLLY

Vera, you’re literally sitting in her lap right now.

Amira peeks out from behind Vera.

amira

Sup.

VERA

Amira, bad time.

AMIRA

I know. Call it retribution for how having you in front of me is just showing everyone how much better your figure is than mine, what do you even do to get a stomach this flat?

VERA

Pilates.

AMIRA

Shit, I better do some too…

SCOTT

Ooh, if you wanna work out Amira, I’m gonna go hit the gym later! You wanna come?

AMIRA

For sure, uh… big furry boy?

SCOTT

Yaaay! Also, my name’s Scott!

AMIRA

Sorry, I’m bad with names.

SCOTT

It’s ok!

VERA

Hold on. Scott, what do you mean you’re “gonna hit the gym”? We have the playoff _finals_ today, remember?

SCOTT

Haha! Please don’t remind me!

Scott laughs nervously and gulps, hard.

SCOTT

(TREMBLING) P-please. Don’t remind me.

An armored hand touches Scott’s shoulder. Scott looks up to see one of his fellow students, an enchanted armor holding a skateboard, comforting him.

FELLOW STUDENT

Hey! Don’t stress so much over the game “bro”! I’m sure you’ll win it, “dude”!

SCOTT

Bro…

Scott looks a little cheered up.

SCOTT

Thanks. I really needed that.

The fellow student does the shaka hand sign.

FELLOW STUDENT

No prob, bob.

VICKY

Wow… can I just say?

Vicky gets up and looks around at everyone in attendance.

VICKY

I just think it’s so, _so_ amazing that the whole class is here together… _I_ for one think that--

VERA

Oh my god, Vicky, Shut up.

VICKY

Let me finish.

POLLY

Vicky, literally no one wants to know what you “for one” think.

VICKY

I said let me finish talking, this is gonna be really heartwarming.

liam

Leave it to Vicky to drag this most cliché’d of gatherings even further down the depths of banality…

VICKY

Guys, _please!_ Ok, I’ve been rehearsing this speech for like a month--

Vicky pulls a neatly folded sheet of paper from her pocket. The whole class groans in distate.

VERA

(FACEPALMING) Of _course,_ You’ve been rehearsing it _…_

VICKY

Why are you guys being so rude?! _I’m_ the one who planned all these decorations, you know!

HOPE

Look, Joy! Someone other than us is getting disrespected!

JOY

A Christmas miracle…

FAITH

Savor it, girls. They’ll notice us sitting here eventually.

A slime steps forward.

BLOBERT

 _I_ wanna hear the speech, Vicky!

VICKY

Aw, thank you Blobert. That really means a lot. You know…

BEAT.

VICKY

(GIVING SPEECH) … I just think it’s so, _so_ amazing that the whole class is—

The class starts groaning again.

VICKY

I will absolutely say the speech before the day is over and not _one_ of you will stop me. 

Meanwhile, Zoe is in one of the corners furiously drawing next to Liam.

LIAM

Zoe, I’m going to ask you what you’re drawing. Promise me it isn’t gross.

ZOE

It’s not gross.

LIAM

What are you drawing?

Zoe shows Liam.

BEAT.

LIAM

… Why am I on the bottom?

ZOE

You’re a bottom, Liam.

LIAM

Why am I on the bottom, and why does Damien have that many dicks.

ZOE

It’s Yaoi, Liam. You wouldn’t understand.

LIAM

(OFFENDED) What did you say?!

DAMIEN

Did someone say my name-- (SEEING DRAWING) What the fuck. Why do I have so few dicks?

zoe

Wow, everyone’s a critic now, huh?

LIAM

At the very least make me look a little less _pathetic_ , why am I _crying_ on there?!

DAMIEN

And you drew me so soft-looking, why am I so scrawny? I look like Liam!

LIAM

And _I_ look like Oz!

ZOE

This is a commission, guys! I’m just drawing what I’m asked to! Take it up with the Lamien fandom if you guys hate it so much!

LIAM

The _what_ fandom?!

DAMIEN

The ship name is “Lamien”? That’s literally awful, did _no one_ say that shit out loud?

LIAM

I refuse to believe anyone would _pay_ to have a drawing of me and Damien _this_ grotesque! Is _this_ how my fans see me?! I’m _not_ a bottom!

DAMIEN

Ehhhh…

Liam glares at Damien.

DAMIEN

I mean, compared to me? Be honest.

BEAT.

DAMIEN

Be _honest_ , Liam.

LIAM

Whatever.

DAMIEN

HA! See?? I fuckin’ told you! BOTTOM.

LIAM

Shut up, I’m at _most_ a switch! You, on the other hand, You’re _definitely_ a bottom when _Hope_ is concerned--!

DAMIEN

Well she’s not fuckin’ _concerned_ right now, is she?! Don’t bring that shit up just ‘cause you know I DOM you!

LIAM

Who Doms Who?!

Zoe goes back to furiously scribbling.

ZOE

No, guys, keep going I _beg_ you. Also--

Zoe pulls out a voice recorder.

ZOE

Say “I DOM you” again, Damien.

DAMIEN

Remind me when I get back home. My dads are gonna drag me back to hell for the _whole_ winter break _again_ this year so… I’ll record it in my home studio.

ZOE

You have a home studio?!

DAMIEN

Yeah, I had a SoundCloud Rapper phase two years ago. It, uh… it didn’t work out.

ZOE

… Was someone going to tell me Damien used to rap or was I supposed to figure that out on my own?

DAMIEN

Zoe, don’t look it up.

VERA

Zoe, _please_ look it up.

VICKY

(GIVING SPEECH) I just think it’s so, _so_ amazing that--

Everyone starts booing Vicky and telling her to shut up.

VICKY

Let me say the speech! I deserve this!

At that moment though--!

VALERIE

(O.S.) HO-HO-HO!

Valerie bursts in the door! She’s wearing a Santa outfit, too, with a big bag over her shoulder.

Everyone stares at her, totally silent.

BEAT.

VALERIE

Wow, I missed the FUCK out of my cue! I was supposed to come in after you guys stopped singing but--!

Valerie pulls a laser pointer from her pocket.

VALERIE

I got distracted!

Valrie throws the laser pointer across the room and finally enters. She saunters toward a desk she set up previously.

VALERIE

YO-HO-HO! I-- (CATCHING HERSELF) “Yo-ho-ho?” What am I, a pirate now or something? whatever--

Valerie slams the bag on the desk. Gifts spill out of it.

VALERIE

I brought gifts.

The class cheers.

VALERIE

They’ve all been carefully, painstakingly picked out by yours truly, _and_ my wonderful helper!

Valerie motions to the door.

VALERIE

… My wonderful helper!

The sound of sleigh bells being rhythmically rung approaches for an uncomfortably long amount of time.

After a while, Brian finally enters. He’s wearing a full reindeer outfit, and a big red nose.

BRIAN

(MUTTERING) Sorry Val, I took a piss real quick. (LOUD) UHHH-- MERRY… HOLIDAYS! It’s me, the… non-denominational reindeer person! Rest assured for all non-Christians here that my nose is red, not in reference to some Christmas story about prejudice and bullying, but merely because I am an alcoholic.

Brian pulls a bottle of Jack Daniels from behind him and tries to drink it. He clearly hates it but forces himself to take a sip. He can’t stomach it and spits it out.

BRIAN

UGH! This shit sucks, why do people drink this?! Polly! You want the rest?

POLLY

No, actually, I wanna stay sober for the holidays.

BEAT.

BRIAN

Holy shit, it’s a fuckin’ Christmas miracle.

Brian unbottles the whiskey again.

BRIAN

Cheers, I’ll drink to that.

Brian tries to take another sip of whiskey, but he can’t do it and spits it out again.

BRIAN

Oh MY GOD THIS SHIT IS ASS! Did I piss in _here_ without realizing?!

FELLOW STUDENT

Brian! Quit Drinking! Alcoholism is not “Lit”, “Fam”!

BEAT.

BRIAN

Why is there fucking knight here. Who the hell is this guy.

VALERIE

Brian, that’s fellow student.

BRIAN

That’s _WHO?_

AMIRA

Fellow Student! You know!

FELLOW STUDENT

That’s me! Just another student, just like you!

BEAT.

BRIAN

Why is it whenever I enter this classroom, I see some fuckin’ guy I’ve never met before, and I’m the only one who has no idea where he came from?

AMIRA

Stop playin’ bro, we _all_ know fellow student. That’s the homie!

BRIAN

Amira… I do not know him. That is why I am asking who he is.

VICKY

Brian, come on! Why do you always freak out whenever you see someone new, you don’t _have_ to do this _every_ time!

DAMIEN

Yeah, Brian! Not everything’s about you, dude!

AMIRA

Yeah, uh… Green… uh--

VERA

Brian. They said his name twice, Amira.

AMIRA

Sorry babe, my entire brain capacity’s being used to record the feel of your ass on my thighs into my long-term memory right now.

VERA

I understand, I have enough ass to warrant that.

polly

Not more than ME, though!

VERA

Oh, go stroke your cat or something, Polly-- (CATCHING HERSELF) Oh god why’d I say that--

POLLY

You want me to do _what_ with my pussy?

VERA

And there it is.

DAMIEN

POLLY! STOP BEING NAUGHTY OR I’M NOT GONNA GET A PLAYSTATION 5, WITH SPIDER-MAN: MILES MORALES AND CALL OF DUTY--

polly

Damien, are you being sponsored by Best Buy right now or something, why do you keep shouting your Christmas list at me?

DAMIEN

I’m letting everyone know what I want for Christmas in a subtle, non-intrusive way. And by everyone, I mostly mean Vera.

VERA

Damien, if you seriously think I’m going to buy you _anything_ for Christmas, then you better look up _some_ use for 100 tons of manure, because that’s _all_ you’re getting from me.

DAMIEN

… I’ll give you a backrub.

VERA

Aren’t you a prince? Ask your dads for it.

DAMIEN

They said they’re not getting me another console because “I already have a Nintendo”. All I have is a Wii. I don’t wanna play sports resort anymore. Please deliver me from this hell, Vera.

vera

No.

DAMIEN

DAMNIT!

POLLY

Haha! Too bad, you spicy red baby, guess you should’ve gotten a _job,_ huh?

OZ

Wow, amazing how fast having a job went to your head…

POLLY

Oz, why did you _never_ tell me about the dope feeling of superiority gainful employment gives you? We literally could’ve avoided everything that happened If you’d told me I could make Damien _this_ mad.

VALERIE

Speaking of Damien!

Valerie sits on a chair next to the gifts and slaps her thighs.

VALERIE

Come on, boy! Sit on Santa’s lap!

BEAT.

VERA

My sister, ladies and gentlemen.

Damien is already sitting on Valerie’s lap.

LIAM

Damien, ladies and gentlemen.

VALERIE

I got a gift for you, Damien.

DAMIEN

Really??

VALERIE

Have you been nice?

DAMIEN

I’ve been the nicest!

BRIAN

Didn’t you steal one of the Queen of England’s Corgis like, last week?

BEAT.

DAMIEN

Brian, stop sabotaging me in front of Santa.

VALERIE

Well guess what!

Valerie takes a big box from her pile of gifts and hands it to Damien. Damien smiles from ear to ear.

DAMIEN

No way!!

Damien shakes it a little.

VALERIE

(HOLDING BACK LAUGHTER) Y-Yeah, shake it. What’s it sound like?

DAMIEN

I’m not sure but… If I had to _guess…_ A PS5 with Spider-Man and Call of Duty? IS THAT IT??

valerie

Wh--… who knows!

Damien rips open the packaging and opens the box.

He freezes once he sees the contents.

BEAT.

Damien pulls out a statue of a guy taking a shit from the box.

VALERIE

… Merry Christmas!

BEAT.

VALERIE

Everyone’s sitting on my lap for their gifts, by the way. Scott’s next!

TITLE: ““YULETIDE, PROLOGUE: EVERYONE TAKES A TURN ON VALERIE”

THEME SONG

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, HOMEROOM – CONTINUOUS 

VALERIE

Alright, I regret having Scott on my lap so early.

Scott’s sitting in Valerie’s lap. He’s heavy, Valerie’s not having a good time.

VALERIE

S-So! Uh, have you been goo--

SCOTT

I’VE BEEN GOOD! I’VE BEEN A VERY GOOD BOY!

Scott hops up and down on Valerie. It’s really not helping.

VALERIE

(PAINED) O-OK! I-I get it! Here’s your gift!

Scott rips open the packaging and shouts in joy.

SCOTT

BONESTOOOORM!!

Scott is practically vibrating from excitement. Valerie’s pain deepens.

VALERIE

Y--… yep!

SCOTT

IT’S A VIDEO GAME! IT HAS _BONE_ IN THE TITLE! I LOVE BONES!

VALERIE

(EXHAUSTED) Th-That’s why I got it--!

SCOTT

THANKS VALERIE!

Scott gets off Valerie’s lap. Valerie exhales in deep relief.

BRIAN

Scott! Before you go.

Scott sits back down on Valerie’s lap.

VALERIE

(PAINED) OH GOD…!

SCOTT

What??

brian

Where’s your cousin? He’s in this class too, isn’t he?

SCOTT

He’s going through racial sensitivity training.

BRIAN

Oh.

SCOTT

He’ll be back before the f--… (SCARED) The finals.

BRIAN

One last game, Scott. Let’s make it count.

Scott gets up and sheepishly walks back to his seat. Brian looks at Valerie, who’s massaging her thighs to try to make the pain go away.

BRIAN

… Zoe, come up next.

Cut to Zoe sitting on her lap.

VALERIE

Yeah, this is _way_ better. _WAY_ lighter.

zoe

I’ve been pretty good, I think. _Definitely_ consumed a lot less souls this year than I usually do.

VALERIE

Hey, I’m all for self-improvement.

ZOE

I’ve never gotten the chance to ask but… you’re the one who sold my totem to Miranda and Polly, right?

VALERIE

Yes, I did.

ZOE

Thanks for doing that. In a weird way, I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you.

VALERIE

You’re welcome, in a weird way.

ZOE

Where did you even get my totem, anyway? I was locked in that thing for, I don’t know… like nine hundred years, I think?

VALERIE

Trade secret. My lips are sealed.

ZOE

Boo. Hey Brian, do _you_ know?

BRIAN

I think I might have an idea…

ZOE

Then--!

BRIAN

Trade secret. Can’t tell you.

ZOE

Booo!! Give me my gift already, I wanna go sulk now.

Valerie gives Zoe a “How to Draw Manga” book.

VALERIE

Brian picked this one.

ZOE

Aw, sick! Brian, thank you!

BRIAN

No problem. I’m just as glad as anyone else that you’ve grown this much.

Zoe opens the book.

ZOE

(EXCITED) Oh my gosh! They have a little Chibi tutorial here! I’m gonna draw chibis of everybody!

Zoe runs off back to her seat.

Cut to the Coven standing over Valerie.

VALERIE

Hey girls!

JOY

All three of us are getting _one_ gift?

VALERIE

I feel like it’s a nice, symbolic capstone to how you three remembered you’re better off as a unit.

HOPE

You mean _they_ remembered it. I had a whole other arc.

FAITH

It was tangentially related, so I think we can lump it in.

HOPE

Lumped in as usual… I need my own episode.

FAITH

Mood.

JOY

So, uh… I guess I’ll sit on your lap? This is weird as hell but…

Joy goes to sit on Valerie’s lap.

JOY

Okay--

VALERIE

Uh! H-hold on Joy!

Joy stops.

VALERIE

Could, um… c-could Hope sit on my lap instead?

JOY

Why? What’s wrong with me?

Joy realizes.

BEAT.

Cut to Joy, Faith AND Hope sitting on Valerie’s lap at once.

VALERIE

(STRAINING) DAMNIT GET OFF ME!

JOY

You’re the one who said we’re “better as a unit” _remember?_

Joy presses down on Valerie’s lap. Valerie wheezes.

VALERIE

I SWEAR IT WASN’T A FAT JOKE, JOY, MY THIGHS JUST HURT FROM SCOTT STILL!

JOY

Sure, I believe you.

Valerie reaches for the coven’s gift and hands it to them with a trembling hand.

HOPE

A free lore coupon?

BRIAN

You guys seemed like you’d be into it. You’re always talking about seasons and stuff like you’re in a T.V. show, so here: free flashback episode.

FAITH

… Is that how we come across?

JOY

And since when do you have to _pay_ to have a flashback episode?

POLLY

Yeah, Brian! Since when?

AMIRA

Yeah, B-- uh… Bobby!

VERA

I’m not even going to correct you. I just think it’s cute, at this point.

Amira’s sitting on Vera’s lap now, by the way.

AMIRA

I know you do, I’m doin’ it on purpose now.

VERA

Well that’s less cute.

Amira clicks her tongue.

BRIAN

Huh, you guys switched.

AMIRA

Yeah? What of it? _I’m_ on top now, _bitch._

BRIAN

Amira, you can’t act hard _and_ be sitting on someone’s lap.

AMIRA

Ok, Rudolph.

BRIAN

That’s “Non-Denominational Reindeer” to you.

valerie

GET THESE GIRLS OFF ME!

Valerie’s still struggling, holding up the tower of witches in her lap.

BRIAN

Oh shit, that’s right--!

Cut to Polly on Valerie’s lap. Valerie breathes in and out, utterly relaxed.

POLLY

How are you feeling?

VALERIE

So happy you don’t weigh anything… I swear, I’m gonna get titanium thighs after I’m done sitting all of you down.

POLLY

You know you could just… _not_ …

VALERIE

Polly, how dare you suggest that.

POLLY

Uhh, sorry??

VALERIE

How dare you. How dare you have the gall to insinuate I would put on the Santa outfit and not go full Santa. I will literally die for this bit. Everyone in this room _will_ be sat down on my lap.

POLLY

Wow, ok, fine. I guess I’ll shut up?? Oh my god, Valerie, chill.

VALERIE

No. Here’s your gift.

Polly unpacks the gift. It’s a Christmas sweater.

POLLY

Awwww! I love these!

VALERIE

Read what it says.

Polly turns it around.

POLLY

Haha! “Santa’s Favorite Ho!” Literally perfect. Where’d you even find this??

BRIAN

Was it me or you who found that?

VALERIE

You found it, we were looking for the costumes and you saw it.

POLLY

Brian! You shouldn’t’ve.

BRIAN

Ah well, you know. You’re welcome, I’m glad you’re a fan. Oh! And, great news: that sweater’s 100 percent cotton.

POLLY

Uh… I mean, cool, but why would that be “great” news?

BRIAN

Hm? I thought you said you died from a wool allergy.

POLLY

Um…

VALERIE

Wait, did you, Polly? I thought the zodiac killer got you.

LIAM

Wasn’t it the tapeworm diet?

Brian

Yuck, is it weird to say I hope it’s the zodiac killer? Just the _phrase_ “tapeworm diet” is--

Brian retches.

VERA

You told me you were poisoned by a Russian spy, Polly… I hope that’s true, because I was _incredibly_ jealous of whoever got to do that to you.

VICKY

Didn’t Polly die from 69 stab wounds to the heart? (REALIZING) Oh, 69 I get it… Guys, nevermind it’s probably not that one--

scott

Wait… Polly’s dead?

FAITH

Polly, you told me you died from not having sex with me enough…

BEAT.

FAITH

Hey, she’s the one who said it not me.

JOY

Worst part is that pick-up line worked on you.

FAITH

I can’t imagine how happy you feel getting to expose _my_ sexcapades for once…

SCOTT

(ALARMED) Guys, seriously, is Polly dead?!

ZOE

I thought Polly died from a drunk driving incident. Or something.

SCOTT

POLLY! ARE YOU GONNA BE OK?!

POLLY

UM!

The room quiets down.

POLLY

… Ok. To answer Scott: yes, I am dead, and yes, I’m gonna be ok.

Scott seems satisfied.

POLLY

To answer everyone else: Uh… also yes. All of those things I said are true. Do not pry any further. Good?

The room looks dissatisfied.

POLLY

I don’t care. It’s private.

Polly goes to sit down and puts the sweater on. Oz sees the buried distress in her expression.

BRIAN

How are you holding up, Valerie?

VALERIE

My lap’s still sore.

BRIAN

Let’s do Stringbean over there next, then. Liam! Come on up!

LIAM

(MUTTERING) Ugh, fine…

Liam comes up and winces. He grabs a cloth from his pocket and lays it over Valerie’s lap before trying to sit.

VALERIE

Woah, woah, woah. What the hell is this, a napkin?

LIAM

What? I’m not going to sit on you bare-assed after half the class passed through here, I don’t want to catch anything.

BEAT.

VALERIE

Liam, are you fucking serious?

LIAM

Why wouldn’t I be serious? It’s unclean--

valerie

Are you calling me _unclean?!_

LIAM

No, I’m calling the _class_ un-- (CATCHING HIMSELF) A-Actually I’m not calling _them_ unclean either, it’s just—-

The class expresses disdain for Liam’s inane viewpoint.

LIAM

What?! It’s just germs! Why are you choosing getting offended?!

POLLY

(SARCASTIC) Right, we’re just _choosing_ to get offended. We’re clearly in the wrong here-- Let’s all get on our knees and apologize for being too fucking dirty for his majesty Liam.

LIAM

And once again, I’m _scorned_ for my _rational_ precaution and _extremely logical_ course of action…

BRIAN

“Extremely Logical?” Valerie’s lap is not a public toilet, dude, you don’t have to lay down a damn bib or anything to sit on there.

VALERIE

That said, I’m definitely not letting you sit on my lap now that you did this shit. Liam wins naughtiest student this year hands down.

Everyone boos Liam.

LIAM

Jokes on all _you_ fools, I don’t _care_ if I get booed! I didn’t even _want_ to be here anyway!

VALERIE

You can leave if you want. Door’s open.

BEAT.

LIAM

I’m staying, but let me explain why--

POLLY

Nope. Fuck you, you’re a wimp. Zero respect for you at all.

LIAM

The reason why is--

Liam gets hit in the head with a gift box.

LIAM

OW!

VALERIE

Open it and fuck off. Next!

Liam opens the box and scoffs.

LIAM

You got me _manga?!_

VALERIE

I said _next!_

Liam opens the book and scoffs even harder.

LIAM

You got me _YAOI?!_

VALERIE

_NEXT!_

Valerie kicks Liam away. Liam shuffles back to his chair.

LIAM

I’m NEVER going to read this! I SWEAR!

OZ

I call next!

Oz hops over onto Valerie’s lap, giddy as all get out.

OZ

Gift time!

BEAT.

valerie

Uh… who are you?

OZ

I’m Oz.

VALERIE

Okay…? Are you like… in this class?

OZ

No, but--

VALERIE

Then why the fuck…

BRIAN

Sorry, we don’t have a gift for you, dude.

OZ

Aw… what? Aw man…

BRIAN

To be fair… we did not know you would be here.

VALERIE

My apologies for not foreseeing the unforeseeable.

Oz sighs and slumps.

OZ

(SADDENED) It’s fine… I shouldn’t have expected anything anyway…

BRIAN

Are you _kidding_ me… stop it, dude, it doesn’t make you _that_ sad.

OZ

No, it’s fine…

BRIAN

You’re in your 20s like the rest of us. You’re not getting a gift, grow up.

OZ

It’s just… I thought I could be included too, but…

Oz sniffs and covers his face with his hand.

OZ

(CRYING) Clearly… I’m unwanted…!

VALERIE

Is he _actually_ crying?

BRIAN

You tell us, Val, he’s right in front of you.

VALERIE

… He’s crying. Polly, _this_ is your boyfriend?

VERA

Polly, _THIS_ is your boyfriend?

BRIAN

Polly, _this_ is your--

POLLY

Alright, Brian, _you_ shut up. Are you actually trying to act like you’re better than Oz while fully rudolphed?

BRIAN

For THE last time, I am a NON-DENOMINATIONAL--

polly

Brian, NO ONE gives a shit if you’re non-denominational, we’re _all_ celebrating Christmas here. Why are you being so adamant about that shit?

VALERIE

Yeah, Brian, why are you making such a big deal out of that?

BRIAN

Respect for people’s religions is important! I mean we’ve got people like Vicky who’s Jewish, and Amira who’s Muslim--

VICKY

What are you talking about? I’m not Jewish.

BRIAN

… Wait, you’re not?

VICKY

Brian, how--… how the hell did you get the impression I was Jewish?

BRIAN

I--

VICKY

Like, I know my last name’s… you know, whatever, but you’ve _seen_ me eat pork before. And we already passed Hanukkah! I didn’t put up not _one_ menorah!

BRIAN

Wow, I’m sorry Vic… This is pretty embarrassing, I always assumed you were religious…

VICKY

Well I am religious, and like, admittedly, I am of Jewish descent – I think? It’d explain the name - but I’m not of the Jewish _faith_ or anything…

BRIAN

Huh. Uh… I guess sorry for taking the bacon off your food when we go out to eat then.

VICKY

Wait is _that_ why the Baconator I got last week had like, _nothing_ on it?! What the heck, Brian, I payed for the whole Baconator I _wanted_ the _whole_ Baconator!

BRIAN

If it’s any consolation, the Baconator sucks. There’s way too much Bacon, just take a bite out of a live Pig and it’s the same experience.

VICKY

(MUTTERING) Well _I_ wish I could’ve formed that opinion on my _own_ , thank you very much…

AMIRA

Alright, pause for a second… did you say I was Muslim?

BRIAN

Amira, come on. It makes sense why I would think that, right?

AMIRA

Not particularly, no.

BRIAN

Actually, before we get into that--

Amira’s not sitting on Vera’s lap anymore. They’re just side by side now.

BRIAN

No more lap-sitting? Who got tired, you or Vera?

VERA

What are you talking about? What “Lap-Sitting”?

BRIAN

The lap-sitting you were _just_ doing.

AMIRA

Bro, we never did that.

BRIAN

Are you girls serious? You’re really doing this?

VERA

Why would I sit on her lap, that’s insane.

BRIAN

You’re actually doing this; You’re straight up trying to gaslight me right now.

AMIRA

Who do you think we are? We’re two adult women. We don’t sit in laps.

VERA

 _Especially_ not each other’s.

BRIAN

 _Why_ are you being coy about this after like an hour of feeling each other up?! We _all_ saw you. You’re _surrounded_ by witnesses.

AMIRA

I don’t know what you’re talking about, we didn’t do that shit. You saw wrong.

VERA

Get glasses.

BRIAN

(SARCASTIC) Right. _I_ should get glasses. (IRRITATED) Is there not one other person here that can call these two out for this shit!?

liam

What are you talking about Brian? They never did anything.

VALERIE

Yeah, Brian. What “Lap-Sitting” are you referring to?

BEAT.

BRIAN

… Amira are you Muslim or not.

AMIRA

No way. I’m pretty sure trying to read the Qu’ran would like… disintegrate me, or something.

BRIAN

Uh, is that like a turn of phrase or are you being _literal_?

AMIRA

Nah, God hates me.

BRIAN

… D-Do you wanna talk about it?

AMIRA

(LAUGHING) FUCK no!

BRIAN

Alright, why don’t I just go fuck myself, then?

Brian pinches the bridge of his nose.

BRIAN

Just so I know, does anyone here care about whether we call this a “Christmas” party? Did I try to be respectful of people’s religions for no reason?

VERA

I fail to see how this matters at all.

BRIAN

It matters to me, we’re gonna do this. Let’s just go around clockwise: Zoe! Religious or no?

ZOE

I believe in myself, does that count?

BRIAN

Self-confidence, I like it. Liam?

LIAM

I couldn’t think of anything more mainstream than believing in… anything, actually. If there’s a religion that’s believing in nothing that’s the one I’m a part of.

BRIAN

I could’ve guessed that. Actually, I probably would’ve guessed you pray to a vinyl copy of Trout Mask Replica every night, either-or would’ve been in character. What about Damien? Actually, uh…

Damien has been staring at the statue of a guy taking a shit he got for christmas in total silence this whole time.

BRIAN

Let’s just skip him. He’s not doing so hot.

AMIRA

Somebody’s gotta help him… he is down _bad_ right now, y’all broke him with that uh… that shit-- the shitty boy statue. What the fuck is that?

BRIAN

Let’s just leave him be. Ok, Scott! Is God real, yes or no?

SCOTT

… What? Yes! No?? Uh--

BRIAN

Ok, Nevermind. That was probably a little too much to ask. Enchanted Armor, what do you think?

fellow student

I _totally_ believe in God! Our lord and Saviour is like, _sick!_

BRIAN

Tubular. Vera? I’m guessing you’re Mormon? Hold on, what’s the most embarrassing religion… Scientologist?

VERA

Keep talking and I’ll send you to meet my God _in person._

BRIAN

I’m so spooked. Kale?

Kale just keeps playing Pokemans Amethyst Version. He doesn’t acknowledge anyone or anything.

BRIAN

Sorry for Asking, Kale, I hope I didn’t kill your vibe. Witch ladies! Over/Under on God?

JOY

You can say Christmas with us, Brian. We’re pagan, so technically we _invented_ Christmas. 

FAITH

Aren’t we Wiccan or something…?

HOPE

I’m a Jehovah’s witness.

The other two witch girls turn to her, shocked.

HOPE

(DEADPAN) … I’m kidding. Obviously.

BRIAN

Blobert?

BLOBERT

I’m a devout buddhist!

BRIAN

He just gets more perfect every day, doesn’t he…?

BLOBERT

I hope you find peace and prosperity in your life, Brian!

BRIAN

I hope the exact same for you, Blobert. Polly?

POLLY

… No clue. I went to a bar-mitzvah once, am I Jewish?

VICKY

It’s not that simple, you have to convert.

POLLY

(TEASING) I thought you weren’t Jewish, Vicky. How do you know so much about the religion? ~

vicky

That’s just true of _every_ religion, knowing that doesn’t imply _anything_ about me!

POLLY

I don’t know! Methinks we have an _imposter_ among us…

BRIAN

Stop it, Polly. Vic, you said you were religious, right? What do you believe in?

VICKY

Well, I’d have thought you’d _know_ this by now, we are best friends and everything…

BRIAN

Classic guilt trip, it’s been a while since you took me on one.

VICKY

But yes, I am religious. I worship the Goddess of Light.

BRIAN

… What the fuck is that, is that like a Heaven’s Gate thing-- (ALARMED) Holy shit guys, Vicky’s in a cult--

VICKY

I’m not in a cult, Brian! She’s a real Goddess.

BRIAN

Does whatever religion that is celebrate Christmas?

VICKY

Brian why does this matter to you so much?

BRIAN

I don’t like wasted effort! I really tried here, with the deer outfit and everything! They had an elf outfit too, but I wanted to be neutral! And turns out _no one_ cares.

VICKY

I mean… yes? You’re right. No one cares.

BRIAN

No but what’s a goddess of light, though, do you go to church for that, or…

VICKY

She’s like an embodiment of femininity.

BRIAN

And… you’re telling me this embodiment of femininity is _real?_ Like, she exists and everything.

JOY

Yes, Brian. She’s a very, _very_ real Goddess.

BRIAN

Jesus Christ… Another one of these real Gods and Goddesses. Here’s the one thing I never expected about the Monster world: So many damn confirmations of the afterlife! There’s like six of them standing in this room. I’M one of them! You people play fast and fuckin’ loose with mortality, I swear to god… literally, I swear to him. He’ll probably hear me.

BEAT.

BRIAN

Anyway, is Oz still crying?

VALERIE

He’s stopped, but he’s not getting off my lap.

brian

Get off Valerie’s lap, man.

OZ

I demand a gift.

BRIAN

 _Pardon_ , my guy?

OZ

I’m on Santa’s lap… I want a gift.

VALERIE

Holy shit, you are legitimately six years old. Polly, stop dating him or you’ll go to jail.

POLLY

Oz, please get off Santa’s lap and stop embarrassing me.

OZ

How’s this fair?? All the other main characters got gifts! Zoe says I’m a main character, right Zoe?!

zoe

I really wish he wasn’t, but some things are beyond even _my_ control.

OZ

Ok, that’s just hurtful.

ZOE

I tell it like it is, it’s part of my charm.

OZ

Since when? That’s not even _slightly_ part of your charm, where did you get that impression?

ZOE

I’m a teenager, Oz, I’m always trying out new personalities to see which one will make me cool.

OZ

You are _not_ a teenager, you haven’t been a teenager for… ever!

ZOE

I’m _totally_ a teen!

FELLOW STUDENT

That’s right! Everyone here is an absolute teen!

ZOE

Total Teenagers!

FELLOW STUDENT

Teens to the max!

ZOE

My body’s going through changes!

Oz gets off of Valerie’s lap, and runs over to Zoe so he can put both hands on her shoulder and say:

OZ

(GENUINE) Stop.

Before running back to Valerie and sitting on her lap again.

OZ

Anyway, Gift, please.

VALERIE

Alright _fine!_ Brian, figure this out for me.

BRIAN

Sure, uh… I guess I’ll look in my deer sack…

VALERIE

You could’ve called it anything, dude. Why the hell was that the name you chose?

BRIAN

I’m a deer, and I have a sack. It’s like yours, you have a Santa sack. I have a deer sack.

VALERIE

Stop saying Sack.

Brian reaches behind him and grabs a burlap bag. He looks around in it.

BRIAN

Alright, Oz, here are your options: One! A lump of coal.

VICKY

Ooh! Brian, don’t give him that, we might need that later!

BRIAN

Right our house is old, we need coal and stuff. Nevermind Oz, the coal is taken.

OZ

Woe is me.

BRIAN

Option two! Lee Carvallo’s Putting Challenge.

OZ

 _Who’s_ putting challenge?

BRIAN

Lee Carvallo, apparently, he… (READING BACK OF BOX) _almost_ won the PGA tour in 1995. That’s not bad I guess-- Oh wait. PGA stands for “Putting Green Association”, it was a… mini golf tournament. He got third place. I guess Tiger Woods was busy the day they needed an _actual_ golfing star? Also, this is a PS2 game, do you have one?

OZ

No.

BRIAN

Nevermind then! Option three! A Christmas gun.

OZ

… Honestly, the other options were so bad, I’m leaning towards the Christmas gun right now. What’s a _Christmas_ gun, though?

BRIAN

Christmas gun, it’s like a regular gun except it shoots, uh… Hold on--

Brian checks the magazine.

BRIAN

Oh shit, turns out it shoots bullets.

OZ

So its just a regular gun.

BRIAN

They’re not even festive or anything, this is just a deadly weapon… am I gonna go to jail for having this? Does the state we’re in allow open carry?

VALERIE

As usual I have no idea what you’re talking about.

BRIAN

Forget it, then. Option four! A condom.

BEAT.

BRIAN

You’re probably not gonna need this.

OZ

I literally have a girlfriend! She’s right there!

POLLY

Nah, uh… you’re not gonna need that.

OZ

Polly, come on! You too?!

POLLY

It’s not that, it’s just… that’s a magnum.

BEAT.

POLLY

Like, I love you, but don’t flatter yourself.

oz

Polly, could you _please_ not say this in front of all my peers?

POLLY

You’re not in this class, these aren’t your peers.

Oz sighs and facepalms with both hands.

BRIAN

You alright there, champ?

OZ

I’m fine, just keep going. What’s left?

BRIAN

Option five! Last one:

Brian pulls an ancient looking locket from the bag.

BRIAN

… This thing.

OZ

What is that?

BRIAN

No clue what this is, or who it belonged to. Or how I found it! Could’ve been straight up from the garbage, your guess is as good as mine.

OZ

So, to recap: my options are basically just a gun or this pendant thing?

BRIAN

Not bad options, honestly, considering you just invited yourself here. This is _star_ treatment, for a stowaway.

OZ

(SARCASTIC) I’m so thankful! (DEADPAN) I’ll take the locket.

BRIAN

Really? No gun?

OZ

What am I gonna do with a gun? Shoot people? No thanks.

BRIAN

Is it worse than the locket, though? This thing is old as hell. There’s probably a ghost in here.

OZ

Just give me the locket already.

BRIAN

Suit yourself, man! Pleasure doing business with you.

OZ

We haven’t done any business. I got something for free, we did the opposite of business.

BRIAN

It’s just a turn of phrase…

Oz takes the locket and goes to sit down next to Polly.

POLLY

Should’ve taken the gun.

OZ

Don’t start.

VALERIE

Alright! Who’s left?

BRIAN

Armor guy, Kale, Blobert, Vicky, Amira and Vera.

VALERIE

Amira and Vera already got their gift, so four people. Alright.

BRIAN

They did? What’d you get them?

VALERIE

Secret.

BRIAN

Do you mean “secret” as in you can’t tell me, or “secret” as in you’ll tell me when they’re out of earshot?

VERA

It better be the fucking first one, Valerie.

VALERIE

It’s the first one.

BRIAN

Fine. Kale, you want a gift?

Kale says nothing.

BRIAN

Sick. Catch!

Brian throws Kale a gift box. He catches and opens it without taking his eye off or even stopping his game. The gift is Pokemans Opal version. He switches out the games and keeps playing.

AMIRA

… King.

brian

Let’s do… Fellow student, and then Vicky, and then Blobert. Blobert last for uh… Cleanliness. Vicky deserves a little better than to sit in slime.

VICKY

Honestly, I’d be glad to sit in Blobert’s slime.

POLLY

Low key, same.

LIAM

It looks comforting…

BLOBERT

Wowie! Thanks guys!

Cut to Fellow student sitting in Valerie’s lap.

FELLOW STUDENT

This feels wrong.

VALERIE

Hard agree.

FELLOW STUDENT

You have a gift for me? I’m… honestly surprised.

VALERIE

Consider it a thanks.

Valerie hands Fellow Student his gift.

VALERIE

Thank you for not… you know… tearing my family apart.

FELLOW STUDENT

… You’re welcome.

Fellow Student’s gift is a pair of vans. Fellow Student is genuinely touched.

FELLOW STUDENT

(TOUCHED) Rad.

Cut to Vicky sitting in Valerie’s lap.

VALERIE

Alright, Vicky! Gift time--

BRIAN

Actually… could _I_ do this?

Brian looks really serious. Vicky gets up from Valerie’s lap and turns to Brian.

VICKY

Brian…?

BRIAN

Vic… Here.

Brian hands Vicky a gift box.

BRIAN

I know its not… _much_ … but, I’ve been working on this for a long time. I really… _really_ owe you a lot. So… I’m hoping this can make you happy.

VICKY

Wow, uh… lotta pressure on this gift!

Vicky shakes it a little.

VICKY

I wonder what it is? (JOKING) Oh, is it Lee Carvallo’s Putting Challenge 2: Putting Harder? H-haha…

Vicky tears open just a little of it… but she recognizes what it is in an instant. Her eyes widen, and she covers her mouth in shock. She turns back to Brian, trembling, overcome with emotion. Brian nods slightly.

VICKY

Brian… how long did this take you?

BRIAN

A while.

Vicky tries to hold back her tears… but she can’t. She runs at Brian and hugs him with everything she has.

VICKY

(CRYING) Thank you… Thank you…!

BRIAN

Thank you for everything, Vic. Merry Christmas.

VALERIE

… Uh, do you guys need a moment?

BRIAN

We’re having the moment right now, actually.

Vicky steps away from Brian, still smiling and genuinely grateful.

VALERIE

What did you even get her?

BRIAN

Secret.

VALERIE

(LAUGHING) Do you mean Secret as in…

BRIAN

The first one.

Vicky walks back over to her seat.

Finally, Blobert rises from his seat and shuffles toward Valerie. He splotches onto Valerie’s lap.

VALERIE

Blobert!

BRIAN

Best for last.

BLOBERT

Hardly! Everyone went before me, didn’t they?

BRIAN

What a stand-up guy.

VALERIE

Blobert, I think I speak for everyone when I say… Merry Christmas.

Valerie hands Blobert a gift box… but Blobert doesn’t take it.

VALERIE

Blobert? What’s wrong?

BRIAN

It’s a gift, you ought to take it.

BLOBERT

There’s no need. I’ve already gotten my gift.

Blobert looks around at everyone’s smiling faces.

BLOBERT

This is it… this is all I wanted.

VALERIE

(TOUCHED) Blobert… come on…

BLOBERT

To see everyone smiling and laughing together. I wished for it so dearly, and lo and behold…

VALERIE

(TOUCHED) Stop it, man, you’re gonna make me cry…

BLOBERT

I just think it’s so, so amazing that the whole class is here together… I for one think that… this may be the best Christmas we’ve ever had. There’s a melancholy to it… It’s the last one we’ll have in this class, after all. But I don’t think that matters. In fact, I think that might be the most important part! These moments we spend together are fleeting, but that’s where their beauty lies. To me, the most important thing we need to take away from these holidays, our last holidays as high schoolers, is to learn to appreciate the changes in our lives… and to congratulate ourselves for how far we’ve come. The beauty of this moment is due entirely to the hardships, the stresses… the good as well as the bad. The things that happen to us that we deeply regret… and the things we wish could’ve been. These hopes, dreams, fears, and strife are the pieces that make up our stories. They’re the marble from which we’re carved. They’re the roots to the tree of our lives, which feeds us and keeps us stable through wind, sleet and snow. To everyone here… we’re here because we deserve to be. We’re here because we overcame the people we were… and took on the path toward the people we were always meant to become. I’m so proud… and I love you all.

Kale… puts down his game, and starts clapping slowly. Soon enough, everyone joins in. The whole class cheers for Blobert and his speech.

BLOBERT

Signed, Vicky.

Everyone stops.

blobert

Wait a second…

Blobert pulls the folded sheet of paper Vicky had before from under his hat and reads the end of it.

BLOBERT

(READING) “… and I love you all. Signed Vicky… P.S.: Don’t read the Signed, Vicky part, they’ll know it was my speech the whole time.”

BEAT.

BLOBERT

I’m sorry Vicky, I’m not very good at fooling people…

VICKY

No it’s ok, I understand. Sorry for making you do that, Blobert.

Everyone’s glaring at Vicky. Vicky gets up.

VICKY

What? What’s you guys’ problem?

POLLY

Did you _seriously_ just use Blobert to--

VICKY

Yes, I did. And guess what? Not only did everyone listen to that _whole_ speech, and like, had introspective moments to it and junk, literally _ALL_ of your hearts are warmed. See, old Vicky would’ve kept trying to say the speech and been interrupted every time, but new Vicky? New Vicky’s a little smarter than that. So why are you all glaring at me? I’m not gonna feel bad! Haha, I consider this an absolute win! That’s right people, _VICKY_ wins!

Vicky folds her arms.

VICKY

Bitch.

BEAT.

Cut to Vicky, outside the classroom, banging on the door and begging to be let in.

VICKY

(OUTSIDE DOOR) I’M SORRY!! LET ME IIIIN!!

Meanwhile, the party’s in full swing in the classroom. Everyone’s talking and having a good time, eating the food people have brought, and generally mingling and enjoying each other’s company.

Cut to Scott and Brian getting ready to have an arm-wrestling match.

SCOTT

I got your number _this_ time, bro!

BRIAN

Yeah, in your dreams!

Liam is officiating the match.

LIAM

And… begin!

Brian and Scott arm-wrestle…

brian

(FORCING) HNNNNNG--!

scott

(FORCING) GRAAAAHHH!!

… for about a second. Scott accidentally tears Brian’s arm off.

BEAT.

BRIAN

Shit. Uh, I guess you win, Scott.

SCOTT

Uh… are you ok?

BRIAN

It doesn’t even hurt, I’ll be fine. Let me go ask Vicky to tie it back on…

Brian heads towards the food.

BRIAN

 _After,_ I get a plate for her. She needs to get at some of this food too.

Cut to Polly grinding on Oz. Oz is fully red and covering his face.

OZ

P-Polly! D-don’t--!

POLLY

Don’t _what? ~_

Oz

W-we’re in public, right now…!

POLLY

I know we’re in public…

Polly turns and whispers in Oz’ ear.

POLLY

(WHISPERING) My clothes would be off, otherwise.

Oz squeaks and stammers in embarrassment.

POLLY

Haha! That never gets old!

OZ

Don’t bully me…

POLLY

Bullying you’s my right as your girlfriend. You’ll always be fun to tease…

Polly’s expression turns from flirtatious to serious.

POLLY

Never change, Oz.

OZ

(GENUINE) … I won’t.

FELLOW STUDENT

WOAH!

Fellow student tears Polly and Oz apart.

FELLOW STUDENT

Leave space for Jesus, you two!

Fellow student puts a ruler between the couple.

FELLOW STUDENT

One meter at least! Hugs from the side only!

Cut to Damien stuffing his plate with Chicken. Amira stops him.

AMIRA

Calm the fuck down! Leave some of that for the others, you glutton!

DAMIEN

Get off my ass, this shit’s delicious! Who the hell brought this?!

Amira steels herself.

AMIRA

… Actually, I--

DAMIEN

Vera, try some of this shit!

Vera comes up and grabs a little. Amira’s a little disappointed she didn’t get to finish her thought. Vera eats it… and her eyes go wide.

VERA

… What the fuck.

AMIRA

Is it good? 

DAMIEN

It’s fuckin’ good, right?!

VERA

Some of the best chicken I’ve ever had.

amira

Well… it could be a _lot_ better.

DAMIEN

I have trouble believing that.

AMIRA

This recipe… First off, Damien, I cooked this.

DAMIEN

REALLY?!

AMIRA

Yeah, yeah… But nah, this recipe, this jerk chicken was my favorite when I was a kid. My auntie used to make it… She wanted to teach me the whole recipe, but uh, somethin’ happened before she could tell me what was in her secret marinade. I keep tryin’ different stuff but none of it tastes the same…

DAMIEN

What happened? Why couldn’t she tell you the whole recipe?

Amira gives Vera a knowing look. Vera understands. Vera takes Amira’s hand, subtly, out of sight from everyone.

BEAT.

DAMIEN

What happened, though.

Cut to Zoe and the coven talking.

ZOE

What?! I can’t be in the coven anymore?!

faith

Zoe, you were only part of it because Hope was busy.

HOPE

And I’m not busy anymore! So buzz off, only one spunky shorty allowed!

ZOE

S-So?! I can change my personality, I’m a teen! I change constantly! I promise I won’t have any overlap with Hope! Let me stay!

JOY

I’m sorry, Zoe, you’re very sweet but… three’s the number of the goddess.

FAITH

Only three in the coven.

zoe

Ugh, stupid Goddess… once again, religion has foiled my plans…

JOY

Once again…?

Valerie approaches.

VALERIE

Hey grrrls!

ZOE

Valerie! You’re friends with the coven, right?? Convince them to let me be number four!

VALERIE

Sorry, Zoe. Three’s the number of the goddess.

FAITH

You can be like… the injury reserve.

ZOE

(SARCASTIC) Injury reserve, wowie.

BLOBERT

(O.S.) Wowie!

zoe

You guys literally never get injured! whenever you’re in peril you just recover in the same episode!

FAITH

Uh-oh. She figured it out.

hope

We sorta kinda _need_ to be healthy, though… We’re not called Hope, Joy and Faith for no reason, if we die it’s Hope, Joy and Faith that the world loses.

ZOE

So what you’re saying is… if I change my name to an emotion, I can join.

HOPE

Do you have ears? I didn’t say that!

ZOE

My name is now Breathing. There, now I have to be in the Coven or else everyone dies.

JOY

It _so_ doesn’t work like that.

BREATHING

You sure?

VALERIE

Right, well, while you guys are arguing about it:

Valerie grabs a gift box from behind her.

VALERIE

Here.

zoe

 _Another_ gift?! Thanks, Valerie!

VALERIE

You’re welcome, but it’s not for you. It’s for Miranda.

ZOE

Oh. (REALIZING) Oh! That’s right, she’s not here, is she?

VALERIE

I have no clue why but Miranda’s out of the country again. You’re friends with her right? Give her that gift if you see her.

ZOE

Right, I’ll go find her.

VALERIE

I didn’t say go find her, you don’t have to like… bother her about this or whatever.

ZOE

Why’s Miranda gone so much, though? I thought she was a student here; Can she take this many leaves of absence?

VALERIE

No clue, but it’s always been like this. Miranda’s home country is like a pressure valve, it’s always on the brink of imploding. She has to come back home to calm everyone down pretty often. That and marriage interviews. You’ve read her diary, you know how it is.

Valerie hands Zoe the box. Zoe takes it and looks it over.

ZOE

… For Miranda.

INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, OUTSIDE CLASSROOM – CONTINUOUS

Vicky’s sitting outside on the ground. She sighs. Brian opens the door to the classroom, holding a plate and his arm.

BRIAN

Hey.

VICKY

Hey.

Brian sits next to Vicky and hands her the plate.

VICKY

I’ll eat later, Brian. Your arm’s more important.

BRIAN

I’m glad you feel that way. That said, Amira’s chicken is fantastic, you’re gonna wanna eat some of that before it gets cold.

Brian takes a sewing kit from his pocket and hands it to Vicky, along with his arm. Brian puts his severed forearm up. Vicky takes the needle and thread, and with a hint of arcane power, starts sewing Brian’s arm back.

BRIAN

It’s amazing to me you can do stuff like this.

VICKY

I had to learn when I met you. They don’t teach you this at school… this kind of borders on necromancy, honestly.

BRIAN

… That’s still crazy to me.

VICKY

What is?

BRIAN

Necromancy… I’m dead, aren’t I?

vicky

Haha… Do you still have that habit?

BRIAN

What habit?

VICKY

You know…

Vicky puts two fingers up to her neck. Brian laughs when he sees it.

BRIAN

I do it every once in a while.

VICKY

Less than you used to. You did it every day back then.

BRIAN

Can you blame me…? I thought every day could’ve been my last. Being a zombie with _sentience_ scared me, I felt like I could die at any moment. Just… return to the void in the blink of an eye. I just wanted to make sure I’d still be around for the next 24 hours.

VICKY

That’s why I wanted you to come to this school, Brian. It broke my heart to see you live so frightened. I was hoping a routine would put your mind at ease.

BRIAN

So it wasn’t your loneliness that made you drag me up here after all…

VICKY

W-Well… I can’t say it didn’t play a part.

Brian and Vicky laugh. Vicky finishes sewing Brian’s arm. He flexes it a little.

BRIAN

Good as new.

VICKY

Good luck in the finals today. We’re going to need you at 115 percent if we want to win.

BRIAN

We’re gonna need Scott too… I’m worried about him.

VICKY

Scott’s strong. He’ll figure it out.

BRIAN

… Vicky.

VICKY

Hm?

BRIAN

What do you think about Scott?

VICKY

Oh, I…

BRIAN

Do you still like him?

Vicky sighs and looks away.

VICKY

… No. I don’t think so.

BRIAN

Thank god.

VICKY

(LAUGHING) Wow, it makes you _that_ happy?

BRIAN

That guy’s a bad fit for you. I always felt that way.

VICKY

Really? How do you figure?

BRIAN

I don’t know… I guess I just felt like… you’d do better with someone you’ve never pined for. Someone you think of as your equal, you know? You tend to put people on a pedestal if you’ve known them for long enough. You always put yourself below others too…

VICKY

Do I do that?

BRIAN

You do… you just _can’t_ be yourself around someone you think is better than you. It’s like you’re stuck trying to impress them, or… trying to make them like you…

VICKY

Wow, uh… I feel seen, h-haha…

BRIAN

Remember when you tried to make me get friends? You spent the whole day talking about how amazing everyone was… I never told you this until now, but, even at the time, I never saw why you thought of them so highly.

VICKY

Well they made pretty bad first impressions--

BRIAN

It’s not that.

Brian has a genuine look of admiration on his face.

BRIAN

It’s because I was comparing them to you. And I didn’t find anyone on your level.

Vicky is thoroughly taken aback by Brian’s lofty compliment. She blushes and plays with her hair shyly.

VICKY

Wh--… what about Valerie?

BRIAN

Well, that’s different.

VICKY

Oh. (NERVOUS) Oh! H-haha, of course.

BRIAN

She’s really great and… I hope she likes me.

Brian smiles to himself.

VICKY

I’m sure she does. You’re a great guy.

BRIAN

You think?

VICKY

I know it.

BRIAN

Thanks, Vic.

VICKY

You’re welcome, Brian.

Brian and Vicky just smile at each other for a little while.

BEAT.

Zoe bursts through the door. Brian and Vicky jump in surprise.

BRIAN

Sh-Shit!

VICKY

Zoe, what’s wrong?! You scared us!

ZOE

Guys…

Zoe has a look of abject terror and confusion on her face.

ZOE

… Is this actually the whole episode?! We didn’t even do anything! There were no stakes, or… or anything! We just talked! We just took turns on Valerie’s lap, is that even _allowed?!_

BEAT.

BRIAN

(DEADPAN) Vicky, you wanna go back in?

VICKY

(DEADPAN) Yeah.

Brian and Vicky get up and go back in the classroom, ignoring Zoe.

ZOE

(NARRATING) “What they didn’t know… was that this was just the calm before the storm. This week would turn out to be the most perilous week of their lives--”

Vicky slams the door on Zoe.

FADE OUT:

TO BE CONTINUED

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3000 Hits! You guys are too much, thank you millions 💖💖💖
> 
> In case the total lack of anything going on didn't clue you in, this episode was the setup for our impending stretch of story: the last arc of season 1. The next six episodes are going to be connected stories leading to the finale.  
> They're also all taking place right around Christmas, which makes me kinda regret not posting this story such that it would be Christmas by the time the Christmas episodes came out. It would've been nice and festive, right? instead it's march 8th :| no holiday spirit in the slightest... 😔


End file.
